Christiana Rants!

On High Maintenance Women

2011-06-24T09:55:00.003+01:00

Happy Friday,

It's been a while! I use this phrase more than I should, it's a guilty procrastinators way of subtly apologising for their incompetence. For those that care, I am back! With a video blog on high maintenance women.

The fact I filmed this vlog wearing a sequined gold jacket with Chanel earrings is an irony that does not fail to escape me. I do sincerely hope the visual contradiction does not detract from the spirit of the message.

As per usual I'll refrain from commenting further on the content of the blog. Please!

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For that have already and will, thank you!

I get asked to do hair and beauty vlogs a lot, though I find it flattering that the state of my hair/makeup has finally progressed from the comical state it was permanently in through 1998 to circa 2006, I remain diffident about my abilities. I'll leave the beauty vlogging to those that do it well.

Sidebar: My go to beauty blogger of the moment is Shirley of Meek~n~Mild check her site/videos for hair and beauty tips! www.meek-n-mild.com Did I mention she writes on The Tip too? www.thetiponline.com

However since I get a lot of asks...

Face

In terms of what I used in that video/in general

Foundation: Bobby Brown, Oil Free Compact Golden 6. I've found Bobbi Brown to be the best foundation for my skin. Great match, not too heavy and the right amount of coverage. I don't use it often because I'm still not confident in terms of its application, plus I don't like foundation...but I'm gettig there.

Mascarra: Miss Sporty, Fabulous Lash. Cheap and cheerful. My bestie recommended it to me and it has changed my life. I will stage a protest if it is ever discotinued.

Eyeliner: Sleek, twist up pencil. Cheap and does the job (I'm sensing a trend).

Eyeliner 2 (used on lids) : Blue Heaven, Kajal. It's a product from India and is incredible. It's black as soot and soft. I'd like to shout out my eyebrowologist Mena for introducing me to India's best kept secret/

Blush: Nars, Exhibit A (if blushes could be books in the bible, pretty sure this would be in the pentateuch, it's THAT crucial) and Sleek, Flamingo.

Lips: Can't be bothered to dig through my bag. But I'm pretty sure the gloss is a clear one by Bourjois and the lipstick is a hot pink by Rimmel (maybe?)

Hair

Colour: I don't know my hairdresser Amanda bleached it for me. I simply obediently sat in the chair. It's technically a honey blonde.

Products: Kera Care Silken Seal (great for gloss and finish) and L'Oreal Elnett supreme hold because it's a hairspray that can hold through anything...if you get my drift *cough* Daily I use Elasta QP Olive Oil & Mango Butter Moisturizer.

In the video I'm wearing 3 tracks for a bit of lenghth and bounce, the hair brand I'm currently using is Milky Way, it's colour 4/30. The hair type is yaki because the texture's rough enough to blend with my natural hair.

In terms of shampoo and conditioner, I switch between Kera Care and Motions. Currently I'm loving Kera Care's conditioner, it's superb.

Erm, that's it in terms of makeup/hair stuff. I was asked to give a hair/beauty tip and all I have at the moment is drink lots of water and always believe in your sexy. Hope that was useful!

Thanks for reading,

Christiana xxx

Create Don't Hate

2011-05-27T11:34:00.003+01:00

Happy Friday,

I finally got around to posting this video blog! I recorded it a few weeks back (before I went very blonde at the front of my hair) and kept procrastinating, hence why it didn't go up. Alas I have may vices and procrastinating is the one I can't seem to shake. Procrastinating, over-shopping, over-thinking, under-exercising....yeah let me not list my vices!

As per usual I won't extrapolate further on the content in the vlog. The title sums up its message 'Create Don't Hate'. As a victim of anonymous internet haters via comment sections *waves at the e-haters*, I guess this is the closest thing those people will get to a response. Create more than you criticise. If you're doing more criticising than creating, you're wasting your life. Life is too short to spend it tearing down others, build up yourself so you can in turn help someone else. If you find you have so much vitriol within you, you're compelled to transfer that negative energy to someone else, seek therapy. I say that in all seriousness. Your pain is not there to be transferred to someone else. It is your responsibility to deal with your pain and by doing so you become a better person. Let me stop! I'm trying to not come across as a didactic elitist... : )

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At the moment I'm awaiting an ASOS delivery. Pretty convinced that shopping was ordained by God, but internet shopping was the brainchild of Satan. Do you know how many hours I spend on netaporter.com? There's only so much shoe porn a woman can watch without giving in and becoming a participant. I don't know the names of many of my cousins, however I know the names of shoes, bags and dresses. Why am I telling you this? Oh yes I'm awaiting my ASOS delivery, so I must go because I don't want to miss it. Plus I think I've divulged enough about my sick (yet oh so delightful) sartorial addiction(s).

Hope you all have an excellent weekend and thank you for all the support.

Best,

Christiana

xxx

Growing up African

2011-05-16T13:59:00.003+01:00

Any child of immigrants will attest to the fact that there is a 'moment' you realise your home life is distinctively different from that of your peers. Mine came when I was corrected on my pronunciation of the word “crisps”. I always thought it was “crips”. When I exclaimed to my friend “but my mum says it CRIPS” she seemed rather appalled and retorted “well your mum’s saying it wrong”. Over the years it became apparent that it wasn’t just the way my family spoke that was different, it was also the way we lived.

Though there are similarities, children of immigrants don’t all have the same story. Some of our parents pushed against assimilation and others encouraged integration. Then there were the parents who feared the dilution of their core cultural values, but didn’t want their children to feel left out, so they promoted both integration and rejection.

Depending on their experiences growing up and the ideologies they adopt as an adult, we invariably have radically different perceptions concerning our identities. Some us struggle with a sense of belonging and ask ourselves "where do I belong?" Others aware they're fortunate to have been born “abroad” wrestle with internal guilt. The privilege that comes with being born in the West (especially when juxtapositioned with the perilous state of much of the developing world) burdens many with a sense of responsibility they haven’t chosen to bear.

Then there are those like myself who for whatever reason have never been preoccupied by such questions. However the fact we’re not preoccupied by our national identity and picking a side, leaves us vulnerable to accusations of being a 'sell out’ or not knowing who we truly are.

The politics and complexity of identity aside, I’ve found "belonging" and being familiar with two worlds means my life is richer. I have a deep insight into two cultures. I'm aware of their points of tensions and areas of overlap. My perspectives and experiences have a width and depth they would otherwise lack. This means I understand cockney rhyming slang and Igbo (sadly I speak neither). I can make bangers and mash and then pound yam for my dad (the quality of both dishes is horrendous). Ultimately being from two worlds has taught me the lesson that all people have more in common than they believe. We all seek the same things, love, acceptance and security; we simply have different methods of pursuing our aims. Finally, if a person is good (or bad) it is not because of their culture or nation of origin, it is in spite of it.

I remember growing up and cringing at some of my parents idiosyncrasies. Now I look back and marvel at how two individuals who came here with nothing built incredible lives for themselves and their children. This story of hustle, determination, tenacity, belief and vision is not unique to my parents. Despite what the Daily Mail and other right wing news outlets like to propagate, most immigrants don’t migrate simply to take from society, they come to give. They seek to give to a better life to their children, give to their families back home and ultimately they give back to society.

Today I'll focus on some of the random experiences that occur when you’re raised in the West by parents from Africa. I shared some of these thoughts on Facebook and Twitter earlier last week and two things struck me. Firstly, the sheer number of people who identified with what I wrote. Secondly, how people from other cultures, be it West Indian, Irish, Indian, Arab, English or Polish, also identified with my anecdotes. Apparently it's not just African parents, all parents are a bit special (crazy).

Things that occur when Growing up African.....

That moment of shock when you discover everyone doesn't bath with a bucket and sponge.

That day you discover that they don't serve Supermalt in pubs. In fact they don't serve it anywhere. Most people outside your milieu have never heard of Supermalt. This fact will puzzle you forever.

Finding out the woman you call grandma isn't your grandma. Neither is your aunty, your aunty. Or your cousin, your cousin. In fact 95% of the people you refer to with a term that suggests they're a blood relation are not.

Contrarily, you're often dragged to parties and introduced to someone you have never met who is actually your cousin, aunty or uncle. Due to convention you must then have a conversation where the starter question is "how is school?" No matter how school is going you say "good”

The realisation "how is school?" will be the starter question for every conversation you have with an aunty or uncle until you graduate. When you graduate the question becomes "when are you getting married?"

Going to parties and there's a high table for special guests. Ironically the table is often not that high. It's just an ordinary table covered with wrapping paper and draped with Christmas lights. At some parties there are more people on the high table than at the rest of the party.

Weddings usually begin 1-3 hours late.

Conversations that begin with rhetorical questions such as "Am I your mate?" and "Are you calling me a fool?" rarely end well.

The phrase "Can you imagine" never requires the use of your imagination because it normally follows/precedes a story told in vivid detail.

That embarrassing moment when you go to the airport and despite obsessively using the scales at home, your mum has excess luggage. You stand at the check-in desk watching your parents try and negotiate a deal so they don’t pay for excess luggage. When that fails, they start to "spread the weight" across the suitcases. When that fails they eventually hand over the stuff they really didn't have to take to the relative who drove you to the airport. The first 3 hours of the flight back to Africa is spent with your mum lamenting over the luggage lost.

The shock when you discover that using "Plum Tomato" isn't the only way to make stew.

The phrase "the devil is a liar" is used as an exclamation, response, question, and declaration.

That moment of confusion when you realise that women getting money thrown at them whilst they dance is considered objectification. At the parties/weddings we’re taken to, having a bunch of dollar bills thrown at you is called getting ‘sprayed’. It simply means you're dancing well. And if you're anything like me you've discovered it's a great way of funding your shoe fetish.....

Going to parties in school/community halls and all the drinks are in a big black bin filled with ice.

Living in a house filled with “Souvenirs” collected from parties means you can start the day drinking tea from a mug with a dead man's face on it. On the mug are the words "Chief Adeyemi goes to glory. Sleep well Daddy. Psalm 23:1”

Pretending to be dead after a severe smacking. Your parents never believe you're dead and if they do they either 1) Smack you more to wake you up 2) Leave you for "dead"

Being called downstairs to change the channel, even though the remote is NEXT to your mum.

Trying not to stare at that aunty who shaves off her eyebrows and draws them back on.

That awkward painful silence that envelops the room when a sex scene comes on TV.

When the ends of your extensions have been burned and keep sticking to your school jumper.

The first time you decided to experiment and told your parents to 'shut up'. What happened after is too painful to share on this blog.

Discovering you won't have a room for months because an 'aunty'/'uncle' is coming from back home and they're taking your room. If you're fortunate you'll be notified a day prior to the event.

Microsoft Word putting a squiggly red line underneath your name after you type it. Actually that still happens….

Your mum saving oil to refry food in it. So your plantain tastes like fish. Or your chips taste like plantain.

Your dad giving your schoolteacher permission to "cane" you. She looks appalled and politely refuses. He's disgusted.

Being threatened with getting sent back to the "village" whilst your friend Tommy gets put on the "naughty step"

"Dad I got 96%!!" "Where's the other 4%? The girl that came first did she have two heads?"

Going into the freezer, taking out a tub of ice cream, opening it and feeling devastated when you discover it's frozen stew. This still regularly happens to me.

Best,

Christiana

xxx

The decline of ladies and gentlemen

2011-05-11T14:10:00.007+01:00

The discourse surrounding men and their behaviour is rather polarised. On one side we have those who believe all (or at the very least most) men cheat, lie, have commitment issues, dislike hard work, will forget your birthday and insist on playing mind games. If you're particularly misfortunate you may meet and fall in love with a man who manages to possess all of the above traits.

Then we have the romantics. Those who passionately believe every woman is predestined to meet a man who will perfectly fit her imperfections and specifications. In ‘The One’ she'll find the love, security and serenity she seeks, and finally be able to retire from the futile dating game. Unfortunately we don’t often speak about ‘Mr Average’, the man who lives in the gulf between the two myths. Much like the average woman, Mr Average is fundamentally good but prone to the occasional screw up.

In an ironic twist the reality about men seems to have become as skewed as the myths. Depending on where you go, who you know and what you believe, if you meet a man he’s either a demi-God or a fully fledged demon. Mr Average seems to have all but have vanished and at times it seems as though the demons outnumber the demi- Gods .

It is said there was once a time when being a gentleman was part of a man’s duty. Male identity was so bound up in gentlemanly conduct to behave otherwise was to choose to abdicate from your responsibility and masculinity. Those days are no more. There's been a downward shift in what society expects from men which has negatively impacted the standards men set for themselves. We’re in a bit of a predicament and many women are constantly asking "Where have all the gentlemen gone?"

Before writing this blog, I decided to discus the subject with one of my best friend’s and get his opinion. He raised a number of salient points about why there seems to be an underwhelming number of gentlemen. Firstly, hazy conceptions concerning what precisely it means to be a man and the subject of gender itself being immersed in unnecessary controversy and complexity means men who do display gentlemanly conduct are at risk of being labelled as the "nice guy" and instantly friend zoned.

Gestures that were once deemed gentlemanly are now viewed by some women as offensive. Such women (who he described as “crazier than Germaine Greer on her period”) feel insulted when men behave in a chivalrous manner, as they believe it implies they can’t take care of themselves. After assuring him that no woman I know personally would ever take offence if a man paid the bill or covered the taxi fare home, he responded with “That’s not because you’re post-feminist. That’s because you’d all rather spend your money on shoes. Witches” Yes he called us witches.

When my friend realised I intended to focus this blog on the decline of the gentleman he launched into a long monologue, most of which is too offensive to post. However the final part of his rant is worth sharing.....

“Christiana, where are the ladies? You can’t sit here and lament about the decline in gentlemen, when there are no ladies for real men to court. I'm not trying to deflect. I understand men need to step their game up. But I know even if they did step up their game a lot women aren't doing their part either. However no one’s talking about it because you’re all so sensitive… ”

After thinking carefully about my friend’s argument I came to the realisation I couldn’t blog about the decline in gentlemen without acknowledging that there are less women behaving like ladies.

Tracing the decline in the lady is a complex task. It’s an unsurprising turn of events considering we're in a culture where every female singer in the charts (bar Adele) seems to be in a competition with the next to see who can wear the least amount of clothes without revealing her labia.

We live in a bizarre time where a woman broadcasting intimate details about their sex life is empowering rather than crude. Being drunk and disorderly in public is viewed as liberating rather than uncouth. Edgy is better than elegance. Foulness is preferred to finesse. More (weave) is better than less.

For every man unaware of the power of a well-tailored suit, there's a woman who thinks leggings are trousers.

Sidebar: Leggings are not trousers.

For every man that doesn't walk on the right hand side of a lady, there's a woman that won't cross her legs. For every man that approaches a woman with unnecessary aggression, there's a woman who responds to a man with unnecessary abrasion.

Now I understand the discomfort surrounding labels such as gentleman and lady, they were popularised in a time when women were subservient and men were dominant patriarchs. However I don’t think our status quo is desirable either. A lot of women are losing out on the joys that come from being a lady and being treated as such. Countless men are losing out on the esteem that comes from being a gentleman.

It doesn’t have to be zero-sum. There is a middle way, where we take the best of the traditional conceptions of being a gentleman and lady and then blend it with our modern way of thinking.

In essence being a lady or gentleman is about striving to be excellent in all things. It means holding yourself to a standard that is higher than necessary. It's not so much about one’s appearance (though that comes into play) it's about conduct.

Being a gentleman or a lady involves a great deal of responsibility. We can shirk away from that responsibility or we can aspire to embrace it, and live it. The challenge I leave with all of us (myself included) is to strive to do the latter.

Best,

Christiana

xxx

How To Be Confident

2011-04-15T11:22:00.005+01:00

In my second year of university I selected a module called "The History of European Political Ideas" Its focus was on classic philosophical texts that have come to underpin European political ideas, institutions and conventions. The hope was to give us insight into some of the great thinkers that came before us. If we understood their work, we would better understand our world and just maybe, better understand ourselves.

The syllabus was broad but its breadth wasn't at the expense of depth. Due to the brilliance of the writers chosen if read scrupulously each text had the power to remould you. If you conquered Hegel, you conquered yourself, for you learnt patience and how to push through the absurdly abstract. If you were able to embrace Mill, you'd understand the value of tolerance, no matter how irksome a person's idiosyncrasies or ideologies. By connecting with Hobbes you acknowledged the fear and diffidence alive within all of us, though we rarely speak of it.

There was one philosopher whose work I connected with. I understood him and even though he wrote before my time I believed he understood me. His name was Machiavelli. When he wrote "it is better to be feared than loved" I believed (in) him and I agreed. Though I suspected he (like me), desired to be loved more than he was feared, no matter how unlovable he had convinced himself he was.

In Machiavelli's "The Prince" the concept of fortune is personified as an intangible and spiritual being named "Fortuna" Fortuna is a woman and rather volatile. She may work in our favour or against us. Fortuna's existence means we can only control so much. Machiavelli advocates that in order to restrain the power of Fortuna we must seek to become virtuous. Only inner virtue can act as a guard against her caprice. In hindsight I connected with the work of Machiavelli because I had my own personal Fortuna. My Fortuna was (and is) insecurity.

My position on the confidence spectrum vacillates. On some days I’m convinced I can do anything and on other days I'm unsure of what I can do or worse still, what I’m supposed to be doing. When I was approached by a reader to write a post about how to be confident, it made me smile. Who am I to be an authority? Especially as I’ve recently emerged from a paralysing crisis of confidence.

I learnt many things during my crisis of confidence. I learnt it won’t certainly be my last. Insecurity is like Fortuna. It cannot be destroyed. It will rear its ugly head when it's most inconvenient. I discovered investing energy into fighting my insecurities is exhausting. I’m battling a force with far more strength and experience than myself. After all insecurity has been screwing with humanity since humans began roaming the earth.

I learnt that we are hardwired to be insecure. To resist insecurity is to resist part of ourselves. It's what makes us greater than animals but less than the Gods. However the acceptance that our insecurities will always be with us doesn’t mean we should resign ourselves to being held captive by them.

As I grappled with my insecurity I learnt something beautiful about confidence. Confidence isn't the absence of insecurity; confidence is choosing to act in spite of its presence. These acts of confidence don’t have to be grand. They’re normally relatively small. Like choosing to smile at an abrasive stranger. Uploading a blog post that makes you cringe. Wearing an item that accentuates a body part you once tried to conceal. Leaning in for the kiss first.

The only forces that have power in our lives are the things we focus on. Focus on fear and fear will be your master. Focus on love and love will be your friend. Insecurity exerts a disproportionate amount of influence over us only when we give it disproportionate amount of our focus. However if we treat our insecurity as a banal fact and not care as much, its power diminishes.

We can never completely silence the oppressing voice of insecurity. What we can do is amplify our positive beliefs and thoughts. We must hold on to the belief that in spite of all the things that make us awful, there is much more in us that makes us good. They say faith is the antidote to fear, love is the antidote to hate, I’m not sure if there’s an antidote for insecurity, but I do think belief comes pretty close.

In closing I’ll say there is nothing instant about confidence, whether you’re trying to maintain it, restore it or find it. Whatever stage you’re at it’s a gradual process. I wasn’t sure how to end this blog post. Every single sentence I construct seems riddled with clichés and painful to read. However there’s a Donny Hathaway song called 'Someday We'll All Be Free' that articulates what I’d like to write. It’s more powerful when sung, but it reads well too.

“Hang onto the world as it spins around Just don't let the spin get you down. Things are moving fast. Hold on tight and you will last. Keep your self-respect your very bright. Get yourself in gear, Keep your stride. Never mind your fears. Brighter days will soon be here. Take it from me someday we'll all be free”

Love and Light

Christiana xxx

When Friendships Fail

2011-04-01T11:45:00.005+01:00

Happy Friday : )

Hope you're all well!

I don't think I've ever published a video blog back to back, so this is a first. This vlog is about a journey I've been on in the last 9 or so months. I have a habit of (over) thinking about topics like failed friendship. Then (over) thinking about the fact I tend to (over) think. This is because, though I didn't openly admit it, I struggled to recover from a few friendships that fell apart. I hated the fact I couldn't dislike them and was angry that I still missed them, though they probably didn't miss me. Out of the abstraction of my feelings to the point of confusion, came this. Considering how complex those friendships were it was a surprisingly simple post.

Fast forward a few months later and I decided to do a video blog on failed friendships with more of a redemptive feel than usual. Hopefully I managed it? I'm not sure, I can't stand to watch my vlog's back, recording them is torturous enough.

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A few random things...

I can't stop listening to this 'R&B' artist called Frank Ocean. He's in Odd Future but isn't as dark or beautifully/productively sick as the rest of his crew. If you haven't already you can download his mixtape nostalgia,Ultra here I can't stop playing it. I want to marry his (right) brain.

Two friends of mine are doing EP/album launches. One is on April 6th at Hoxton Bar and Grill, they're a band called Mr Disfit and are kinda like a big deal (you heard it here first). You can buy advanced tickets here for £5 or it's £9 on the door. The doors open at 7.30.

The second is AKS a very talented young MC who has a formidable work ethic and is very skillful. He's launching his EP at The Queen Hoxton on April 10th. You can buy tickets in advance here for £4. The doors open at 7.

In other news I'm editing a lot at the moment for various projects and this space will be populated with a lot of posts over the next month or so. I'm still trying to deal with my shopping obsession, if any of you have suggestions please do send them my way. It seems that my like/love/lust for shoes, bags and clothes increases every single day.

Thanks for all the support : )

Love always

xxx

Women can't change men

2011-03-18T10:35:00.004Z

Happy Friday!

I video blogged. I know it's astonishing considering my output on the video blogging (and blogging) side hasn't been what it should. For that I'm sorry, I need to learn how to balance things more effectively. If any of you have any tips on how to get more done, but still have some semblance of a social life and sleep for a decent amount of time, please email me!

As usual I won't expound further on the blog. It is what it is and all I ask is that you

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b) Comment
c) Share

Sidebar: 'It is what it is' is a phrase that I've recently developed a habit of bandying about too much. I know it reeks of indifference, but it's the only phrase I know that sums up everything, yet attaches itself to nothing. Concrete vagueness is my new thing (I know it's an oxymoron). If any of you have any other concrete vague phrases please send them my way.

Some of you may know it's my birthday on Monday. I will be turning 24 (to think I started blogging at 21...frightening!) As I touch on from time to time, last year's birthday was the worst day of my life (and ironically the best day considering the miraculous outcome) because of the horrific car accident my sisters and I were involved in. The first part of being 23 was spent getting better and the rest of the time coming to grips with the fact my sight would never return to what it was.

I'm grateful to God to still be here. In light of what could have been, I can't not be. You know I'm not a fan of Oprah moments...but I'd like to say thank you to every single person that's helped me through what has been a tumultuous year. Family, friends, all of you that have sent lovely emails, tweets (or just lurked but kept visiting the site : ) ) yeah you're all a bit amazing. Specifically to my three remarkable sisters and my parents. Thank you!

As my life has become an administrative mess, I didn't get around to organising my 'I Didn't Die' party. Much to my distress, the gulf between my income and my taste is so vast, I wouldn't be able to have the party I want. I figure it's better I invest my time in opportunities that close the gap, instead of spending money and widening it.

It seems like my birthday will be spent sending up prayers of thanks, eating lots of cake and buying a pair of shoes that I've had my eye on for while. *clutches womb when she thinks about the price*

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

How To Spot A Man with Potential

2011-03-09T14:29:00.004Z

As a result of my last post I received a number of emails asking the same question.

“Christiana, how do you spot a man with potential?”

The problem with answering this question is potential is a nebulous concept. Although most people got what I meant when I wrote the last post, the absence of a universally accepted definition means what I deem as potential probably won’t be what you view as potential. The spectrum of possibility when it comes to what a man with potential could look like is so vast it almost makes the concept redundant.

Then we arrive at the ironic part of the problem. As parts of my relationship history indicate I am no authority on how to spot a man with potential. I don’t think this fact disqualifies me from answering the question, it just means I can unequivocally state I am a leading expert in spotting the opposite.

For the purpose of this post I’ll lay those complications aside and work under the assumption we all agree that a person with potential is….

“Someone who consistently exhibits behaviour that indicates eventually they'll probably be in a better position than where they are presently”

Sidebar: I made the definition gender neutral as a male friend of mine pointed out that "How to spot a woman with potential" is a subject worth exploring. Tangentially, another one of my friend’s made a compelling case as to why I must not seek a man with potential. Apparently women need ‘a Winner with Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA" (And yes the fact he quoted Charlie Sheen is the sole reason why the case moved from flimsy to compelling)

When I began to ask people (both male and female) for the best way to spot if a man has potential, I kept hearing the same clichéd reponse, “Look at how he treats his mother” The logic being if he treats his mother well, he has integrity and this attitude will extend to other females. I don’t dispute the benefits of observing how a man treats his mother, however I think people have a tendency to overstate its significance. There’s a major logical leap in the “watch how he treats his mum” theory. You are not his mum. And considering his mother gave him a little thing called life, it would be borderline arrogant to ever expect similar treatment. Just because he’s good to his mother, doesn’t mean he’ll be good to you (inversely just because he’s bad to his mother, doesn’t mean he’ll be bad to you).

After I pushed people to become more creative with their responses I received many ‘bloggable’ (is that even an adjective?) answers. Here are 5 of my personal favourites.

5 Ways to spot a man with potential (It should really be 5 ways out of potentially millions but that wouldn’t read as well)

1) Does he work hard?

People with big dreams (and big mouths) are commonplace. However a person with a dream who’s actively and consistently working towards it, is rare. If someone has ambition, a vision and then compounds that with hard work, that’s indicative they have something to offer.

2) What are his closest friends like?

Our closest friends are usually one of two things-

1) A reflection of who we are
2) An indication of what we will be

If his friendship group has a high number of beta males and/or wastemen the probability is he a beta male or wastman. Unless of course you have a thing for beta males or wastemen. If so skip to number 3.

3) What doesn’t he say?

I did a Jazz piano course a few years back and my tutor worked around the principle “It’s not the notes you play that matter, it's the notes you don’t play” In that sense it’s often better to pay attention to what people don’t say, rather than what they do. Talk is cheap and often used deceptively, pay closer attention to actions.

4) Does he remember the things that matter?

You know those inconsequential ‘issues’ that us women are experts at over-thinking to the point we start to believe they’re real issues. For example- Do I cut my hair? Do I dye my hair? Do I go on holiday with super-organised Shelia this year even though she was a headache last year? (Most) Men don’t actually care about them. I suspect they’ve simply found a creative way of simultaneously pretending to listen and absorbing the crucial bits of information. Therefore if questioned they can repeat at least fact that would suggest they were paying attention the whole time

I’m not implying that women only obsess about vacuous things. If anything many of the things we obsess about are deep. For instance last week I was gripped by panic when the penny finally dropped on that biology class I had about ten years ago. I’m losing an egg a month. An egg per month. An egg I can never get back. And knowing my luck I’m probably losing my good eggs. Does that mean when I eventually use my uterus my kids will be bad eggs? I digress.

All the petty "issues" I described above don’t matter that much (bar the losing an egg per month thing, that's terrifying). Men mustn’t be judged if they don't recollect them perfectly. However a man with potential will always remembers the big things that really matter. For instance he'll text you good luck before a big interview and call you afterwards to see how it went. Or the anniversary of the passing of a loved one.

5) Does he pay the bill?

One of my uncle took me aside a few months back and said

‘ I know you have modern views etc but don’t let your ideology cloud your reality. If he doesn’t pay for the bill. Never see him again. If he’s fallen on hard times he should demonstrate the pride to stay in his house and sort himself out until he can afford to date you. Keep your purse in your handbag, where it belongs’

I argued that to use such a superficial way of ascertaining someone’s character was wrong especially in this modern era. More importantly, a man may pay for the date simply because he has the financial means to, not because he’s a decent person.

My uncle's conviction was rooted in his belief that a real man has no objection to shouldering burdens. And a financial burden was the minimum requirement. In his view if a man is unwilling (rather than unable) to take on that burden, you’re better off spending your time elsewhere.

In hindsight, my uncle was (probably) right and I was wrong. Yes it’s archaic, it’s regressive, it’s hypocritical and it reinforces traditional gender roles. However I’m yet to meet a gentleman that objects to or rebels against the expectation that he should pay on a date. Ever. I would tread carefully with those that do…

So those are the 5 ways of spotting a man with potential. The list isn’t exhaustive and barely scratches the surface, it’d be great to hear your thoughts and additions in the comment section. In closing I’d like to say add method of spotting potential is subject to human error. The best bet is to follow your heart, use your head and pray to whatever you worship that the risk pays off.

Best,

Christiana xxx

P.S. I'm in this month's Black Hair magazine. You can see a picture of the article here. But to read it you'll have to pick up the magazine. The article's on the crude "natural vs relaxer" hair divide in the black community and the misconceptions black women often face because of their hairstyle. Please buy it : )

Considering men with potential

2011-02-23T12:37:00.006Z

When people inquire about a single woman’s love life it’s rarely for the sake of inquiring. There's always a motive. The motive is usually to infer and then interfere. Not that they view it as interfering, they believe they’re staging a helpful intervention. And at the grand old age of 23 it seems I qualify for helpful interventions.

"Have you thought about marriage?"
“I think about shoes”

“When are you getting married?”
“Someday”

"Would you like me to set you up with someone?"
“Definitely not”

"Have you considered internet dating?”
"It's.Not.That.Serious"

“What do you want in a man?”
“A good soul who tolerates my love of red soles”

"Surely you want children at some point?”
"I do want children. Just not so many that my tits sag but not so few I lack a diversified retirement plan”

After about 5 minutes most will conclude I’m a lost cause and give up. The persistent ones decide that it’s their duty to give me advice. As my views on life and love are inchoate and the only way I’ll learn is if I’m open to new ideas, I tend to shut up and listen. No matter how didactic they are.

Problematically a lot of the advice centres on what I need to be for a man, rather than what I should seek in a man. Apparently to ‘find’ a long term partner I must be smart but never overly intelligent. Radiate sex appeal without sliding into slutty territory. Maintain high standards without seeming high maintenance. Be independent, make it clear I seek interdependence but never seem co-dependent.

My early twenties are proving confusing enough and I don’t think my prime focus should be constantly reconstructing who I am in order to attract a man. The problem with constant reconstruction is you transform so much your true identity becomes hidden from everyone, including yourself. Because of this fear I’m a bit of a dichotomy. I have a desire to learn, but I’m resistant towards teaching that focuses primarily on what I’m doing wrong. However a recent encounter with my beauty therapist caused a paradigm shift in my thinking.

Anyone that’s ever endured a wax knows the routine. There is minimal communication. The only words exchanged are instructions and a thank-you when you arise from the waxing bed in such excruciating pain you wonder why you pay for it. On that particular day I sent up prayer, asking God to send someone unscrupulous (and benevolent) enough to open a backstreet beauty parlour where women like myself could have epidurals before we got waxed.

My beauty therapist was in a talkative mood “You nice girl. You have boyfriend?”. “No”. “Why?” She seemed bewildered. I shrugged, still too traumatised to muster an answer that wasn’t monosyllabic. “Anyway you young, got lots of time” I gave her a smile and she responded with a knowing laugh. Then I think we had a moment. She started opening up about the issues she was having with her daughters. They were on the hunt for the perfect man and much to her chagrin they were rejecting men she approved of.

She lamented about the generational gap between women of her age and women like me. In her time it was expected that you’d approach relationships with a selfless mindset. Women understood things would be hard initially, but as you grew together things would get better. They’d get better because both the man and woman were willing to be patient, tenacious and work together for a better life. I told her I understood her thinking, because my mother comes from a similar school of thought. However that old school romanticism went out the window with old school values. Thing have changed and our generation are programmed differently. Women are taught to marry someone equally or more successful. The idea of marrying into a struggle (or someone with potential), and working towards success isn’t as popular.

In beauty parlours the rules that maintain conversations in the ‘real world’ are suspended. Private conversations between two people often evolve into group discussions. Interjections by strangers aren’t rude, they’re viewed as helpful. In many ways beauty parlours are akin to an Athenian democracy, every opinion is valid and every voice is heard. Soon all the women in the room started sharing their experiences. Some women spoke about men they wished they hadn’t overlooked because of superficial reasons. Other women spoke about being happy they sacrificed short-term comfort in order to be with someone with potential.

What intrigued me most about my beauty therapist is she didn’t advocate women adjusting their “checklist” or settling. If anything she was ardent they maintained their standards. She wanted her daughters to have the best, but believed instead of looking for the finished article they needed to seek a work in progress, a man with the potential to become what they needed.

“Sometimes you’ve got to help that man become the man he can be. Maybe he not have much money now or big job. But you can help him get there. You make dream man for yourself. Problem is you young girls want it all now”

Despite her broken English and distracting habit of simultaneously gesticulating and punctuating, what she said resonated with me. In fact it hit me like a brick. The idea I’m single because I’ve overlooked men with potential had never crossed my mind.

If I had to condense that conversation (which went on for over an hour) into a phrase it would be the follows;

“Look at what the man could be rather than what he is”

I came away challenged. Truly believing studying a man’s character and using that to gauge his potential, is far more conducive to long term happiness than using his present condition.

A few days later when I came across this quote "Silly women look at what a man drives, Wise women look at what drives the man" I took it as a sign. First a sign I would have to commit change and second that I'd have to blog on this topic.Despite being on the brink of suffering from advice fatigue, I’m grateful to my beauty therapist for taking out the time to share her advice. I do think it’s changed my life (hopefully). I am indebted to her, however not enough to be her customer forever. If any of you know of any beauty parlours that administer local anesthetics or epidurals before waxing, please do let me know.

Best,

Christiana xxx

Valentine's Day Politics

2011-02-11T14:42:00.007Z

Note: The above picture has nothing to do with the post. It’s just a subtle hint concerning what Valentine’s gift I’d like. YSL Tribtoo’s in emerald green or Louboutin fred flats. I’m a 39….

A few days ago a friend approached me and asked that I write a blog entry about how to experience Valentine’s Day as a single woman. I thought her suggestion was a good one as Valentine’s Day can put some single women on edge. Too many people insist on asking “So what are you doing this Valentine’s Day” knowing full well we’re single and following that logic it means we probably won’t be doing anything.

Sidebar: This year I’ve taken to responding with “The usual! Talking to my cats, stalking a man I can never have and then I’ll curl up in bed with The Female Eunuch for company” It’s amusing watching people laugh nervously because they’re not quite sure if I’m lying or not.

As we discussed the blog it became apparent we had completely different perspectives. My friend advocates single women being their own Valentine. This (ordeal) involves taking yourself out to dinner and buying yourself gifts. She also asked that I sign off the blog with a reminder that all single women should stay hopeful as “things will get better soon because every Queen finds her King someday”

The thought of taking myself out on a date on Valentine’s Day makes me feel nauseas. To advise someone else to do what I won’t is hypocritical. Furthermore I don’t have a "things will get better your King is around the corner" blog within me. It’s not how I’m wired. I’m a rehabilitated cynic who still believes life is a beautiful struggle, so you might as well live it wearing great shoes. The truth is things may not get better and you may have to French kiss 25 more frogs before you find your king.

My take on experiencing Valentine’s Day as a single woman is pretty simple. I have nothing but respect for single women who are genuinely ok with spending the evening alone. I love the fact they haven’t capitulated to the pressure to wallow in self-pity. Simultaneously, I don’t see anything wrong with a woman who’d like a bit of company on Valentine’s Day. I just feel women are reluctant to publicly admit it because people automatically conclude it means they’re insecure or needy. When in fact it (probably) means they’d like to be wined, dined and heavily petted (preferably in that order).

If you’re a single woman and you’d rather not be alone on Valentine’s Day, the onus is on you to take matters into your own hands. I’m sure you have plenty of options. These men may not be the greatest options, but they’re options nonetheless. And when life gives you lemons, it is your duty to make lemon martinis. I dare you, call someone you find interesting and say…..

"I’d like to go out on Monday. Are you free?"

As my friend is a hopeless romantic who clings to traditional gender roles, she was appalled by my stance….

"Christiana! Valentine’s Day isn’t meant to be spent with just anyone .It’s a special day! I think if you’re single on Valentine’s Day you should embrace it and just wait for Mr Right to come to you "

Firstly, there is nothing sacred about Valentine's Day. It is a frivolous event where people purchase ostentatious gifts as a demonstration of "love" or deep lust. In reality, like every single date in the calendar, February 14th is meaningless. However the capitalist system has foisted meaning upon it in order to make money. On some level we all know it, but we’re human and humans love to buy stuff. Plus nothing beats the satisfaction gained from indulging our need to consume and telling ourselves we’re doing it for love.

Secondly, I hate the concept of ‘waiting’ for Mr Right to come to you (not that I even believe in Mr Right) just because that’s what women are ‘supposed’ to do. There’s nothing dignified or romantic about waiting for Mr Right. I think it’s passive, slightly archaic, borderline prudish, counterproductive and boring.

This isn’t limited to Valentine’s Day, it’s a general issue. The irony of women proclaiming their independence yet depending on men to approach them or initiate things. Then those same women wonder where all the men are. Well they’re everywhere but you’re (still) waiting for him to text you first.

"So what , you’re actually going to write a blog advocating that women make the first move on Valentine’s Day?"

‘Yes….No…. Kind of. You’re simplifying”

“But surely if he really wants to see you on Valentine’s Day, he’ll make a move? After all if he wants it he’ll come get it because if you’re on his mind all the time he’ll do all he can to get you”

You know that “if he wants you he’ll come and get you” logic? I despise it because it’s riddled with errors. It’s rooted in the assumption that the way a person behaves always indicates their intentions or feelings. Which is nonsense. For instance, I love cake. Sometimes I'll have cake a few feet away from me and I can't be bothered to get up and eat it. There's nothing wrong with the cake. The cake's perfect. If it was a bit closer, I'd gobble it up. So why don’t I? Because I'm human and lazy.

Ladies we are not cake (obviously). I’m just attempting to illustrate that humans are lazy and prone to self-sabotage, therefore we often don’t pursue the things we want. Even when we want those things desperately. Tangentially, how many women have been chased down by men, given in and suddenly the man’s ‘interest’ dissipates? Remember - action doesn’t mean interest and inaction doesn’t mean disinterest.

I also hate the arrogance behind statements that start with "If you’re on his mind all the time" How can anyone believe they’re so amazing someone sits around perpetually thinking about them? No one matters that much and no one is that interesting.

"Christiana, you’re going to have women approaching men who don’t really want them on Valentine’s Day. The men will oblige because they’re men and she’ll end up being disappointed in the long run”

At that point I gave up because she completely missed my point.

At the end of the day it’s a woman’s right to architect her love life how she pleases. Some women are passive, others active, everyone must do what suits them. However if you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day alone, don’t shy away from making the first move because you've been taught to 'wait'.

Anyway! Whatever you're doing Monday, I hope you have an amazing time : )

Christiana

xxx

P.S Cameron and his condematory coalition are planning to close my local library. It’d be great if you could sign this petition against its closure and share it within your network. Thanks so much in advance!

Successful Single Women, the price of sex and worthiness

2011-01-27T15:39:00.005Z

A few days ago I read an article over at Salon.com on a study about the sexual cost of female success. As you all know I’m wary of studies that attempt to ascertain why successful women are single. I’ve found they tend to be built on a number of faulty and archaic assumptions. Researchers work from the assumption that all women desire long-term commitment. We don’t. For many women being single is an end in itself, rather than a means to an end. The recommendations of such studies rarely advocate an alteration in male behaviour. Instead advice is given to women, because being single is obviously our fault! Finally, I rarely come across rigorous research conducted by women. I think you need insight into what it is to be a woman in order to draw firm conclusions about our behaviour, especially in relation to sex and relationships.

Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker (who collaborated on the study and wrote a book on their findings), claim women’s ‘success has come at a great cost to women's sexual bargaining power’. Consequently the price of sex has ‘hit an all time low’. At the core we have a paradox; women have greater financial freedom, but fewer romantic options. This means when it comes to relationships, men call the shots, resulting in less commitment and more sex.

I found myself torn whilst reading the interview. I agree that ‘the price of sex’ has hit an all time low. Although I don’t think sex was the victim of sudden overnight deflation, its value has been decreasing for decades. We’re simply in a cultural space where it’s acceptable to openly express what was once repressed or took place in private. On the other hand some of the advice made me uncomfortable because I found it to be regressive and simplistic. Then again my discomfort could be because it contained inconvenient truths. For example:

‘I don't think it's in women's interest to play the field for a long period of time. My advice is if you find somebody who you love and who loves you, make it work, whatever it takes!’

The idea of a woman avoiding playing the field just because she’s a woman horrifies me. Contrarily I’m seeing a lot of older women ‘settle’ instead of ‘settle down’. Suddenly they’re marrying men they once scorned. Of course they fool themselves and claim it’s love but it’s blatantly desperation. Witnessing this trend has meant that I’m embracing the notion of dating strategically with some sort of vision in mind (a whole other blog post). I don’t want to play the field for so long it means I get to my mid-thirties, panic and marry a man so bland he’s the human equivalent of magnolia paint.

Regnerus recommends that women ‘reacquire control over the direction of relationship.’ The best method of doing so is by ‘the artificial restriction of sex until later in the relationship’ Why? It’s great for a future goal and ‘men who have sex early in a relationship feel little impulse to make strong commitments. Women desperately want that to not be true, but it is’

Do I agree with Regnerus’s advice? Yes. In theory it makes sense yet in practice it’s a very different matter. Plus unless women collectively implement the ‘restriction rule’, the strategy is pointless.

The focus of the study itself points to a wider issue; the fact that our society is obsessed with sex. As a result when discussing the dynamics between men and women, sex is placed at the centre of analysis, even when it shouldn’t necessarily be there. Furthermore research like this only reinforces the dangerous message that a woman’s key ‘bargaining chip’ is sex. That sex is all women have to offer and all men want from us.

Most women will attest to the fact that from the age of about 13, what we have (or haven’t) done with our bodies becomes the yardstick with which people judge our ‘suitability’. No girl wants to gain a reputation for being promiscuous because such labels stick. Like bonding glue to a track.

Sidebar: First and last weave reference of the year. Promise.

Before we know it we’ve internalised society’s judgement and the insidious message that what we do with our bodies will always outweigh what we achieve with our minds. We begin to connect our sense of dignity with what we do with our bodies. What results is an unfortunate situation where sex has the power to make and unmake us.

What irks me about sex-centric analysis is it distracts from the conversation we need to have. That conversation is certainly not about the ‘price of sex’ or which sexual strategies women should employ to ‘keep’ men. What we need to be researching and probing is whether enough women have a sense of worthiness. Some will argue that a woman’s sense of worthiness is often reflected in what she does with her body. This is true to a degree. However there are women who abstain that are crippled with low self-esteem. They've priced sex as "high" as our society traditionally expects them to, yet this hasn’t resulted in a sense of fulfilment or security.

By placing sex and ‘singleness’ at the centre, we put the things that matter at the periphery. In my eyes worthiness should be the focus. You can follow all the rules, be as chaste as you need to be and marry the perfect man, but if you don’t truly believe you’re worthy, it’s pointless and potentially dangerous.

I don’t meet enough women who believe they’re worthy. I’m meet a lot of women who apologise for their strengths and feel uncomfortable accepting compliments. I also meet a lot of women who are way too hard on themselves, whether it’s with regards to their physical appearance or career achievements. I think many women reading this will empathise, because most of us are that woman or have been.

If all single women followed the advice given by Regnerus and Uecker would more of them be married? Probably. But would we have more women with a deep unshakable sense of worthiness? No. And that’s what I'd love to see. A movement of women with such a deep sense of their worthiness, scrutiny around their sexual activity and relationship status ceases to be relevant, because they know they’re more than enough.

Best, Christiana xxx

P.S I have an article in this month’s issue of ‘The Super Super’. The magazine is dope and the issue’s dope. My article’s entitled ‘A New Approach to Dating’. In it I moan about my dating inertia and propose a solution to boringdates.com/Regret. Considering recent events in my life I’m not sure if it’s ironic or prophetic... : ) Anyway! It’s available at WH Smith and other mainstream retailers. Please buy it and let me know what you think!

Let's Care Less

2011-01-21T09:19:00.005Z

Happy Friday : )

It's been a while since I last blogged and it's been months since my last video blog. Today I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

The vlog is basically about caring less about what people think. I'm at a point in my journey where I've become wholly indifferent to mass opinion simply because:

1) Mass opinion is normally incorrect
2) When you imbibe the opinions others have of you those view will eventually kill you.
3) There are a lot of miserable people out there trying to spread their misery via their 'opinions'

Since 2011 is the year where I'm fully committed to living my love story, I guess this vlog is all part of the process. I've been reluctant to vlog for a plethora of reasons. However this year I'm trying to embrace vulnerability and do things I'm not naturally comfortable with doing. John Mayer says....."Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken, Even as the eyes are closing,Do it with a heart wide open, Say what you need to say" So I'm saying what I need to say!

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Sidebar: The John Mayer reference is self-indulgent. I'm a massive John Mayer fan. Like...obsessively so. This week I've listened to his music even more than usual. Which is an incredible achievement since I play his music so much my mum actually recognises the 'Neon' guitar riff . I think one day I'm going to write a series of posts dedicated to my favourite music artists, Lauryn Hill, John Mayer, Donny Hathaway, The Dixie Chicks, Stevie Wonder...ok let me stop (Please no ad hominem criticisms of John in the comments section...he is amazing. Thank you)

Let me stop rambling. As a few people have asked, the turban I'm wearing in the video is from Miss Selfridge and the earrings are from Ebay. Due to my father's wishes my sisters and I never had our ears pierced as babies. I only got my ears pierced at age 16. It gives me great joy as an adult to wear hideous ghetto earrings and watch him flinch when I enter the room. They say the higher your weave the closer you are to heaven...I say the bigger your earrings the bigger your heart. Did that make sense? In hindsight I'm not completely sure...

Anyway! I hope you all have a good weekend. Oh yes one final thing.... If any of you have a photo booth you can lend me (seriously) please drop me an email. I'm planning a birthday party as I'm turning 24 (I know it's such a consequential age!). Really the party is in celebration of not dying in the car crash on my last birthday. I think considering the awful birthday I had last year, the least I can do is dress up (like a slag) and drink (like Lindsay Lohan) in celebration of life and living.

Have a great weekend and keep writing your love story,

Best,

Christiana

xxx

P.S Even though you can't see much of it because of the turban, my hair in this video was done by a very talented lady named Andree Marie. One to watch! If you live in London I'd recommend you see her! You can find out more about her by clicking here!

New Year's Resolutions and....Men

2011-01-07T11:15:00.030Z

I’d like to start my first blog post of the year by wishing you all a Happy New Year! I hope you all have an incredible 2011. I hope when diffidence rears its ugly head you remember that everything you need is already inside you. Live your love story : ) To a year filled with love, laughter, light...and Louboutin's * raises cocktail *

Right!

This year my approach towards formulating my New Year’s resolutions differed radically from my usual routine. Inspired by this post by Gretchen Rubin, I decided my resolutions wouldn't just be a fixed set of 'rules'. Instead my resolution would be a word. The word chosen would encapsulate the theme and energy I want my life to possess in 2011. The word would also define the context and tone of any other 'traditional' resolutions I put together.

Due to my decision to have an overarching word as my resolution, I now have a tiered resolution system. Up top I have my word.

Then I have the major areas of life “Family” “Faith” “Friends” “Finances” “Clothes” (yes clothes, I'm deep like that...Of course I don't have clothes I'm joking!...maybe.)

Then on the bottom tier within each of the major areas, I have the actual resolutions.I know it seems like a rather complex system, but I recommend it to anyone wanting to try something new because...

1) The process of putting it together is deeply enriching
2) I can't think of a second reason but I estimate there's about 2103

When I shared my 2011 resolution process with a friend of mine she said two things

“Christiana.....I love you but you worry me…”

Then she said....

“Erm Christiana…no offence but why haven't you put men as a major area of your life? They obviously are”

I told her I appreciated her honesty and had taken no offence, but I had to disagree with her. Men were not a major area of my life.

I was lying. In truth, grappling with issues relating to the opposite sex is major for nearly every heterosexual woman between the ages of 13-88 .

Sidebar: 13-88, 2103 reasons....throwing out arbitrary figures is my new thing. Apologies in advance.

My friend argued it would make no sense making resolutions for everything and then omit men, the variable most likely to cause the other resolutions unravel. With the aim of learning from past mistakes and making this year better than the last, my friend challenged me to write 'men resolutions' and then blog about it. Since I love her dearly I agreed.

In no particular order...

1) Preserve your sexy

I’ve blogged about this universal principle on multiple occasions. It doesn't matter if your single, engaged or Facebook divorced. All women need to preserve their sexy. Not for men, but for themselves. I stopped trying to dress for men when I realised that my Key Stage 3 tits aren't exactly what makes them go wild. Ironically the more you preserve your sexy and embrace yourself...the more attractive you become.It's a virtuous cycle...even with Key Stage 3 tits.

2) Beware of arsonists posing as firefighters

Again this is a universal principle and doesn't relate just to men. There are a lot of arsonists posing as firefighters. Identify such iniquitous souls and extinguish them. Not literally of course...but you know what I mean....

3) Abandon your "Pry but don’t Spy " policy

I’ve tried to make this list as inclusive as possible, however this is a self indulgent addition. A few years back I wrote a blog where I advocated women operating a 'Pry but don't Spy' policy. For example, Spying = going through his phone, Prying = merely being aware of who calls him.

I'm formally abandoning this policy, not because of a moral awakening. I'm abandoning it simply because if you feel constantly compelled to pry, you will eventually spy.

4) If "he's not that into you"...find someone else or remain content with yourself

5) Raise your standards.

Apparently women are too picky. Myth! We're not picky enough. I personally think all women should raise the bar. Expect more! And no this isn't about money. That's a fickle and unreliable gauge. Expect more respect,more kindness, more love, more cake, more *insert virtue*

6) Become More

If we expect more, we’ve got to become more. Want more respect? Be more respectful. Expect more love? Be more loving. What someone more educated? Continue to educate yourself. Want more cake? I have no clue.....I don't even like baking/cooking, I only enjoy the eating part. And I hate paying for cake myself. If you have any ideas on how I can legally get more cake without paying or baking, please let me know.

7) Don't tell ALL your friends

BIG said 'Rule numero uno: never let no one know how much, dough you hold...' Pretty sure he wasn't dispensing love advice, but the principle still stands. Everyone doesn't need to know what's going in your love life. Know what to keep to yourself.

8) Try not to get (really) drunk in public

Another indulgent entry. Here's to a year of sobriety.... * raises glass of water *

9) Own Your Power

Oprah recently broke down this idea to Serena Williams (and no one puts it better than Oprah!)

You can not pretend to be anything less than you are. You are so huge. You can’t go around dimming your light just to be walking with someone else. What you really want is to be completely full of yourself so that your cup runneth over so you give it to other people. Not in an arrogant way but so that you absolutely own your own power. OWN YOUR OWN POWER!
Oprah Winfrey

10) Resist Guilt

My friend and I believe that some women have a tendency to have a formal code of conduct concerning men. It's made up of a set of rules that become looser as we get older however the ones we think are very important become more entrenched. For example most women will say 'I don't have sex until (insert arbitrary time that fits her moral compass)'

We will insist we always adhere to our code of conduct and nothing can change that. Then a man comes along who causes us to break our 'entrenched rules'. If this hasn't happened to you, it's not because you're that strong...it's probably because you haven't met that man. I sincerely hope you never do.

Contrary to the cliche, rules are not there to be broken. Rules are there to create order and uphold the system. Hence why we feel so guilty when we break them, especially the rules we create for ourselves.

If you don't remember anything else I write today, please remember this. If/when you breech your code of conduct 'Resist Guilt'.

11) Take each day as it comes and enjoy the moment

Best,

Christiana

xxx

P.S Would love to hear your resolutions. Not just relating to the opposite sex, but in general. Please do leave them in the comments section : )

Hold fast to your dreams...

2010-12-31T11:43:00.007Z

We have finally reached the last day of the year! I write that sentence with much joy because this hasn't been my best year. To describe 2010 as my annus horribilis would be an awful act of ingratitude. I have much to be thankful for. I am ending this year alive and healthy, things could have been very different.

If I had a choice I would have avoided much of what I have encountered this year. In hindsight I realise although this wasn't the year I wanted, it was the year I needed.

Anyway! This blog entry isn't really for philosophising or reflecting. I'm writing this blog principally for three reasons.

Firstly to say thank you to every single one of you who has continued to support to this blog throughout this year. It means a lot. The comments, emails, Facebook messages, tweets....everything! Thank you! I appreciate you all, you're an incredible group of people. For various reasons my posting has been sporadic at times and thank you for your patience. In 2011, I'm going to keep blogging, push my boundaries and write better entries for you all to read. Thanks for your support with "The Tip", which in 2011 will continue to evolve and grow, take better shape and become everything I know it can.

Secondly, I'd like to thank all the people in my life that helped me in the aftermath of my car accident. My parents, sisters, immediate family and friends, you are all amazing. Thank you for your patience, support and kindness. And though he's definitely not reading, a big thank you to my ophthalmologist. A man who has the unique ability to help his patients see the bright side, even if the outlook seems bleak.

Finally, I'd like to encourage everyone reading to try and live the life of your dreams in 2011. One of my best friend's (in my head) Blair Waldorf once said:

"Destiny is for losers. It's just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen"

I'm not sure I agree with the entire statement because I do believe some things are predestined/preordained to occur, however I understand its core. We must not live our lives as feeble spectators, hoping that things will magically transform. Life is not the X Factor, where a relative unknown reaps where they haven't sown and is catapulted from obscurity to fame overnight. In the real world there are no quantum leaps in progress. It takes dogged persistence and toiling when no one else is watching.

Bottom line is if you don't like the story your life is telling, the onus is on you to write a better story. No one said it would be easy, but it's far better than sacrificing your life at the altar of fatalism.

Langston Hughes wrote, "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly" So let's hold fast to our dreams and crucially have the courage to work towards making them our reality. Some of us have been strolling through life for too long, it's time we soar : )

To 2011, a year full of Abundance * raises mojito*

Love, Light....& Laughter

Christiana

xxx

Getting Ready for "The One"

2010-12-23T14:19:00.005Z

I’d love to believe that soon the unconquerable forces; God, fate and the universe, will unite to ensure that I meet “The One”. And from that moment on two individual stories will become forever one. Sadly I don’t believe in “The One”. I wrote about why a while back, however I recently read a quote that sums up exactly how I feel on the matter….

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life….”
Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”

Just like soul mates, come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave, I believe the same for “The One”. They come to teach us what we need to learn and then depart, leaving us broken in all the right places. After they leave we meet “The One that counts”, a person who we love just as much, but differently.

There is a part of me that would like to genuinely believe in “The One” in the way everyone else seems to. To belong to that tribe filled with optimistic romantics who believe they will meet their soul mate. In the hope of being convinced otherwise I recently asked a friend, "Do you believe in the one? "Yes I believe in the one” he answered “But you have to be ready for them when they come"

His answer didn’t surprise me, but you know what got me thinking? The "you have to be ready for them when they come” part. Because whether you believe in “The One” or “The One that counts”, being ready still matters.

Funnily enough the concept of being ready is rarely mentioned when people speak about “The One” Perhaps it’s because we’re made to believe the pivotal point in our journey with “The One” is the first meeting. That moment when two people lock eyes and instantly know they’re meant to be together. However what if the pivotal point isn’t the moment when we meet “The One”? What if the real pivot is what we did with ourselves before that moment? What if happiness with “The One” doesn’t hinge on the moment, but in the sequence of events prior to it?

You see whether you believe in “The One” or “The One that counts” I’m convinced in both instances, what matters isn’t necessarily whether we meet, but being ready when we do. Which is the opposite of what we’ve been taught. We’ve been taught it’s all about finding them. That's why so many of us are obsessed with finding “The One”. We read self-help books on the laws of attraction, sign up to online dating sites, trawl Farcebook…. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But doesn’t it seem a bit futile?

Even if you’re successful in the “finding” part, when the relationship eventually implodes we conclude there was something wrong with the other party. Our friends prop us up with platitudes like “There’s something better around the corner babe”, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together”, “He was an asshole anyway” All (probably) true.

So we pour our energy into recovering from our heartbreak and eventually return to the “finding” stage. When we return to our finding adventure, we’re not that much different from the last time we embarked on it. We've learnt nothing from the last time (unless of course you count the excess emotional baggage)

The truth is many of us (myself included) have been guilty of doing things back to front. Expending energy finding “The One”, when we should be investing in ourselves and trying to get ready. So how do you get ready for “The One”? Well I can’t give instruction on how to get ready for “The One” (or “The One that counts”) simply because I am no counselor. If my EBay addiction is anything to go by I should urgently seek counsel.

Sidebar: I was recently devastated when at 1am in the morning I was outbid on a saddle. And no I don't own a horse.

Plus if I gave instruction on how to get ready for “The One” it’d be stuff like

1) Meditate to India Arie's “Ready For Love”
2) Brush your teeth and tongue thrice a day.
3) If you intend on getting drunk in public and wearing a dress with a plunging neckline, use lots of tit tape.
4) Google/Facebook stalk the heck out of men you fancy.
5) Stay waxed.

Which isn’t very useful is it? So I won’t. However I have noticed a common thread running through all those who claim to find “The One” or “The One that counts”.

They’re the type of people who believe they're so worthy of love, they started by intensely loving themselves. They were never halves waiting on “The One” to make them whole. They didn’t believe another man or woman had the power to complete them. They completed themselves.It's not as if they were narcissistic, they just truly believed they were sufficient alone. And that’s why they attracted someone willing to walk the journey of life with them. Perhaps the key to being ready is finding "The One" in yourself first.....

Love & Light

Christiana

Xxx

P.S Merry Christmas in advance. I hope you all have a day full of light, love, food and drink. Love to you and yours : )

The Journey of a 20-Something

2010-12-15T11:41:00.003Z

If you’d asked me at thirteen where I saw myself a decade from then, I'm quite sure I wouldn't have described where I am now. It's with a mixture of disappointment and despair; I find myself, aged 23, not yet having achieved anything on the ambitious “to-do-list” my thirteen-year-old self formulated.

Apparently I’m an adult. On paper I’m an adult, the world looks at me like I’m an adult and on some days I feel like an adult. But my gosh, I am so not an adult.

I look around at my friends and although we’re different, we’re all going through the same phase of being “ adults but not quite adults”. Some of us are broke creatives, living on the financial edge, doing all we can to make our dream a reality. We like to think we’re on the verge of blowing up; our parents think we’re deluded and should hurry up and get a “real job”. Others are doing unpaid internships, which to the outside world seem like Sisyphean quests. However they continuously slave away, hoping their over-worked and under-sexed boss finally rewards their efforts with a job. Some of us are traveling around the world, seeking that “Eat, Pray, Love” moment, all in the effort to stall the inevitability of a 9-5.

Then there are those who were sensible and sold their soul to a soulless corporation and are being paid a hefty sum in exchange. Though their bank accounts suggest adulthood, their lifestyles are markedly different from what their parents were doing at their age.

This isn’t a trend localised to my social circle, it’s global. There are millions of us scattered across the western world. The 20-Somethings ; adults on paper and united by their choice to “avoid” becoming adults in substance.

In an article in the New York Times called “What Is It about 20-somethings?”, Robin Marantz Henig explores why we are the generation that refuses to grow up. Even wondering whether “we need to start rethinking our definition of normal development and create systems of education, health care and social supports that take the new stage into account”

Ironically we were the ones in a rush to grow up. Then we grew up and realised the process isn’t as simple or romantic as we assumed. All we want is time to figure out what the hell what we want to do. Unfortunately the time frame for finding yourself expires as soon as you complete university.When the graduation jollity subsided, and we took off our cap and gowns, suddenly we were surrounded by expectations. Expectations that we never signed up for and are not quite sure we want to meet.

We’re grappling with the world’s expectations of us whilst trying to decipher what precisely we expect of ourselves. It’s a delicate balancing act and at times it feels like we’re cartwheeling on a tightrope that’s suspended over a noisy reservoir. Constantly engaging in such an elaborate acrobatic act is tiring. Many of us have garnered reputations for being unstable dreamers who are unable to execute. Everyone’s concluded that we don’t want to grow up. They don’t understand that we want to grow up, we’re just not sure how.

At least when we were teenagers awkwardness was expected and accepted. Now we’re 20-Somethings we’re supposed to have magically grown out of our awkwardness. Since none of us really have, we've learnt clever mechanisms to conceal it. We walk around with the air of confidence and defiance, when in truth most of us are plagued by bouts of diffidence.

They didn’t warn us that part of the journey in becoming an adult, involves combat with an overpowering force. And when it seems like everything you once dreamed of achieving may never happen, that force has a voice that drowns out everything else. It gets louder with every day and perpetually reminds us "You're not good enough". What’s the force called? Self-doubt. Self-doubt is the real reason behind the 20-Somethings apparent refusal to grow up. We’re just so good at cartwheeling no-one’s noticed.

At the end of this decade, hopefully we’ll be real adults. Warehouse parties, dodgy internships, living in perpetual overdraft and questionable sexual partners, will be a thing of the past. Hopefully we will have overcome self-doubt and decided the only expectations we need to fulfill are the ones we set for ourselves. We’ll have departed from that platform that reads “Not Quite Adults” and boarded on a train marked "Real Adults" or at the very least one that reads “Finally Getting To Grips With This Life Thing.”

Despite the fact we haven’t got the best rep, I like to think of us 20-Somethings as superheros. Complex flawed beings, each in possession of a magical gift. The only thing stopping us flying are the closed doors where our capes are trapped. Maybe a decade from now they’ll be no need to board any train. Perhaps we’ll kick down the doors, cast away our burdens and fly to our destinations.

Until then, To all the 20-somethings wearing capes on their shoulders that everyone sees as chips, stand firm. I heard somewhere that things eventually get easier.

Love & Lght

xxx

Be Happy

2010-12-09T17:24:00.005Z

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

Of late I’ve developed an obsession with Nicki Minaj, tech blogs and happiness. Sadly the three don’t compliment each other. I’ve reduced my rotation of Nicki Minaj’s verse on ‘Monster” to thrice a day (well an hour) and stopped reading as many tech blogs. However I can’t get this happiness thing off my mind.

Much of my fascination with happiness is linked to the fact most people are miserable. I don’t think that’s a cynical perspective I just think it’s a realistic appraisal of reality. Look around you carefully and you’ll see a lot of people behaving like they’re happy, but genuine happiness eludes them.

In my investigation into what happiness is I stumbled upon this sobering quote:

I have now reigned about 50 years in victory or peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honours, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot. They amount to fourteen. (960 C.E.)

- Abd Er-Rahman III of Spain

What a tragedy. A man who possessed everything that the world covets only had fourteen days of happiness!

Our culture has become so infected by capitalism, many people perversely link their personal happiness to how much wealth, power and respect they accumulate. When in reality these things cannot bring happiness. Ironically the country where people live longest and happiest is Costa Rica. A nation where the average person only makes about a quarter of what the average US citizen earns.

Some believe they’ll gain happiness when they find true love. “All I really want it to be happy. And to find a man that’s mine, it would be so sweet” sang Mary J Blige. Really Mary? I think a mistake a lot of people make is thinking that falling in love is the magic solution. Love comes with its own set of issues and finding “Mr. Right” is no guarantee for happiness. Your happiness levels may increase but eventually they’ll fall. Why? Because when all your happiness is dependent on another human being, their fallibility and ability to screw up, will eventually cause you misery.

If happiness isn’t found in wealth or finding true love, where can it be located? Religious people contend that true happiness is found in God. The trouble is most religious people are fixated with knowing their religion, rather than knowing God. So ironically most of them are miserable, repressed and jaded.

As far as I’m aware God does not specialise in delivering happiness packages to our doorsteps. Happiness is one of those things that God/whatever you choose to believe in, leaves us to be the custodian of.

Happiness eludes so many of us because we think that it will miraculously occur. Which is rubbish. Happiness doesn’t happen by chance, it involves hard work. We must actively seek to cultivate an environment conducive to happiness. Our happiness is our responsibility or as Lincoln put it “most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be”

I’ve made up my mind that in 2011 I intend to be happier. In anticipation of the New Year I’ve started a personal project called “Be Happy”. In the brief time of doing the project I can confirm I have been happier. Even my family and friends have remarked in the change in my demeanor.

Sidebar: That last statement may or may not be a lie. Take it or leave it.

As happiness, like shoes, is something you can never have too much of, I’d love for you all to join me in my quest for more shoes, I mean happiness. With that aim in mind I’m going to share a very simplified version of my personal project.

“Be Happy”

Step 1
Define Happiness for yourself

We all define happiness differently. At one point in my life happiness was finding a pair of heels that looked like the sex but didn’t make my toes feel like they were being amputated. Now I’m finding happiness in a reductionist approach to life. A bit like a sculptor chiselling a lump of marble to create a work of art; I’ve found that it’s not about what you add, it's about what you take away.

Bertrand Russell believed an indispensable part of happiness was “to be without some of the things you want “ On the other hand Albert Schweitzer was of the view that “ the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve” Two very different definitions of happiness, but it worked for them.

Step 2
Create a happiness principle and live by it.

My happiness principle is simply:

“Let Go. Hold On”

I believe life’s nothing more than what you decide to let go of and what you choose to hold on to. Now everything in my life is placed into one of those two categories; “Let Go” or “Hold On”. It’s a way of cutting away the bad and cherishing the good.

I found this principle helpful as I’m the type of person that can (over) think themselves into a state of anxiety. Now when I’m feeling worried or fearful I ask myself “Are you going to let go of this thing or hold on to it?”

Step 3
Write your happiness commandments.

My (latest) girl crush is a woman called Gretchen Rubin. The brilliant mind behind the book “The Happiness Project”, her life and work has inspired much of my “Be Happy” project. When you get the time read her book and blog. You won’t regret it. She’s the best thing since Nicki Minaj.

Sidebar: Fret not! This Nicki Minaj obsession is a phase. Probably, maybe, not really. Just bear with me.....

In Gretchen’s blog she writes about creating personal happiness commandments to live by. You can read her commandments and tips on designing your own → here.

I’ve been spending the past few weeks putting mine together and hopefully in a few months I’ll have my 10 happiness commandments. I picked the number 10 because I like the idea of having my own Decalogue (because I’m gangster like that).

I’ve been bouncing around ideas in my head and I thought I’d share a few commandments that could potentially make the final cut.

"Remember the past but do not dwell there, face the future where all our hopes stand" Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

“Be Kind”

"You are enough"

“Love continuously”

"Eat (more) cake without feeling guilty"

“Seek progress, not perfection”

“Embrace vulnerability, what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful” Brené Brown

“Stop judging yourself and others”

“Live your dream and wear your passion”

“Forgive”

Since I’m still collecting ideas for my commandments I’d like to ask….

What would your happiness principle be?

And

What would your happiness commandments be?

Please share your ideas in the comment section because
a) I’m going to steal the ones that take my fancy
b) They’ll be useful for anyone else that decides to join me on the “Be Happy” quest.
c) You’re a pretty deep/intelligent/amazing bunch of people and I love reading your comments.

Can’t wait to read your ideas and before I forget * raises cocktail to an incredibly happy 2011 *

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

P.S At the risk of an information overload if you get a chance watch this TED talk by Brené Brown, another one of my (latest) girl crushes. I guarantee that this 20-minute talk will help you for a lifetime.

Social Media & Dating: Are we revealing too much?

2010-12-03T14:30:00.006Z

Before I start today’s post….

1) If you have some spare time over Christmas, please sign up to volunteer with Crisis at one of their homeless shelters. I volunteered last year and intend on doing so this year. Well worth the experience!

2) I was recently part of the "What Women Want: Blogger Special" over at “The Style King”.You can read about my Kanye obsession, tan brogues fetish, dislike of trainers and other stuff by clicking here.

Right…. today’s blog entry!

Ever since I started blogging the statement, "Please don't blog about this evening”, is the phrase I’m most likely to hear at the end of a date. Normally I respond with “Do you think you’re that interesting?” History has proven that’s not to be the best thing to say following a pleasant(ish) evening.

Funnily enough bar a few exceptions I’ve never felt the need to base a blog post around a single date. I may allude to a disastrous or spectacular date in passing, but it’s rare that I dedicate an entire post to one man.

For me dates are to be endured rather than enjoyed. They’re an overrated social exercise where we behave like the version of ourselves that we’d like people to believe we are. Dates are perfunctory with limited utility and unless they involve Thai food and cupcakes, I despise them. I also despise chronicling them (sometimes).

After reassuring the gentlemen I wouldn’t blog about our evening, he sat back in his chair noticeably calmer. I did ask if it was ok for me to blog about his request not to be blogged about. He obliged, clearly more comfortable with inspiring a blog post, rather than being at its epicenter.

The “please don’t blog about this” request has got me thinking about social media and how it impacts our relationships, specifically how we date. Social media is a recent phenomena and I think many social commentators are overvaluing its significance. Some claim social media has transformed who we are and how we live, I disagree. It’s quickened the pace by which we can access and broadcast information. On a superficial level it’s enhanced our interconnectedness. Though this interconnectedness is overestimated and deceptive. We are no more (inter)connected, than we were 10 years ago. We’re just behaving in a way that mimics genuine connection so frequently we believe that our ties are authentic.

People are confusing “interactions” with “connections”. All we’re doing is interacting, not connecting. Our interactions create weak ties (at best), but we’re not forming the connections necessary to develop real bonds. If anything the illusion of (inter)connectedness is disconnecting us from “real relationships”. Fundamentally we’re the same people we were before the social media explosion. It hasn’t changed us. Social media has simply revealed who we always were and given us a stage to perform in all our flawed glory.

What social media has done is to make us extremely exposed. We are probably the most overexposed generation ever. Most of us signed up to this exposure voluntarily. However what about people being exposed involuntarily?

I've watched women "live tweet" during disastrous dates. It makes hilarious viewing but blurs line between the public and private. There’s no malicious intent behind the tweets, sometimes a date is so crap you need to share it with someone to stay sane. On the other hand, no matter how disastrously the other party behaved, they didn’t sign up to being publicly scrutinised or ridiculed.

Asking what we can or can’t say about our love lives on social media platforms is a redundant question. There is no internet police. It’s a realm of complete freedom where we can say what we want. However what should we say? Well that’s tricky territory.

I remember once reading a blog post a young woman wrote about finally leaving an ex-boyfriend who had apparently cheated, lied and been the kind of human being you’d freely give up for a human sacrifice. It was obvious that the woman found writing the post therapeutic and empowering. The comments alone demonstrated her readers found the post empowering.

In my opinion, no matter how useless her ex-boyfriend was/is, the one-sideness of the post and the addition of pictures, made that blog post borderline slanderous. I know if someone had written that blog post about me, I would have sued. Actually who am I kidding? I wouldn’t sue (unless you can pay for your legal fees in clothes). I’d threaten to sue for dramatic effect and then leave them to the universe.

So what’s the solution? Do we gag ourselves? No. Self-censorship in aid of being sensitive to others is overrated. Furthermore it stifles creativity and individuality. It would also make the internet a really boring place.

However we should be careful. Not because you might write a blog post about a crazy ex and he turns up at your door naked carrying a whip and a box of red velvet cupcakes. (Not that that’s a fantasy of mine or anything….) But simply because though we’re young now, one day we'll be old. And on than wretched day, when we're able to tie our (saggy) breasts around our necks to use an emergency scarf, we may wish we hadn't publicly chronicled so much of our love lives.

So the next time someone says to me “I’d rather you not blog about this evening”, I think I may just respond with “No problem”.

Love & Light

xxx

To confess or not to confess?

2010-11-26T17:02:00.005Z

I recently received an email from a reader, which can be summarised down to the following:

• The reader and her male best friend have been friends for years. Despite accusations of them being more than friends, it’s always been strictly platonic.

• About 3 years ago her best friend met the love of his life. They’re currently living happily ever after.

• About a year ago the emailer realised she’s deeply in love with her best friend and she wanted my opinion on whether she should confess her feelings.

Normally I feel torn when I read such emails. This is because even though I like to pretend I’m objective, I like you all and prefer to take your side. In this case it took all the strength I could muster to not type “DON’T BE SO STUPID”. Fortunately I’ve become more familiar with a concept known as tact.

Sidebar: Why didn’t anyone tell me how handy being tactful is? It’s like lying but it comes with none of the guilt. Plus people still (pretend to) like you after you state your opinion.

Somehow, I found a sophisticated way of stating that a confession would be as wise as meeting Lil Kim and calling her Nicki Minaj.

It’s not that I don’t want her to confess because I’m unromantic (then again my idea of romance is being given a wheelbarrow filled with cash and a pair of Louboutin’s atop). And it’s not because I don’t like happy endings. I just think if she goes ahead with her plan, the results will be catastrophic.

Unfortunately months spent (over) obsessing and engaging in counterfactual thinking have clouded her judgement. As our e-conversation continued it became apparent that she was more likely to confess than not. Furthermore all her friends were advising her to confess her feelings “before it’s too late”.

Sidebar: This lends credence to my theories that “Just because they want what’s best for you, doesn’t mean they know what’s best for you” and “Ignore the majority opinion, because the majority don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.”

I truly believe if this young lady confesses it will be an act of self-sabotage, akin to shaving off her eyebrows and drawing them back on…..with toothpaste. Here are my reasons:

Honesty isn’t always the best policy

You know that platitude “Honesty is the best policy”? I despise it because it oversimplifies the complexity of human relationships. You cheated therefore “Honesty is the best policy”. You may have scratched your dad’s car whilst backing into the driveway then claimed you had “no idea what happened” therefore, “Honesty is the policy”.

Honesty in such instances is really a self-serving, rather than virtuous act. It’s not genuine, it’s simply a tool used to absolve oneself of guilt or whatever emotion (or secret) you no longer want to be burdened with. And after your confession the other party is left shattered from the impact of your confession.

Honesty isn’t always the best policy; sometimes the best policy is to keep your mouth shut and walk away.

A woman must never make a decision about love in a time of famine

In times of famine a gnawed chicken bone is an attractive meal. I’m not implying that her best friend is a gnawed chicken bone. I’m just attempting to illustrate during periods of severe “man famine”, us women consider (and reconsider) options that were once filed under “hell no! Not even by mistake”.

My suspicion is she’s capitulating. This isn’t love! She thinks she has no other options and she’s now fixated on the next best alternative.

Sidebar: Ironically there are 6 billion people in the world, a significant number of them, single adult males looking for company. She has plenty of options.

This is most probably phase and just like all those people that had a gheri curl/perm in the 80s, one day she’ll look back and ask herself “What was I thinking?” On those grounds it’s better to lean on the side of caution and allow this phase to pass.

The girlfriend’s pregnant

I’m aware I should have mentioned this fact in the introduction, however I’m in a facetious mood and thought I’d give this blog entry a soap opera feel. Forgive me.

If confessing was inappropriate before, now it’s just insane. I agree we should all have the freedom to live our own love story, but when our love story catalyses another person’s nightmare, we must be prepared to face the (dire) consequences. Relationships grounded on theft (yes I call it theft, even though technically he’s no one’s property) rarely end well.

In movies, you can ruin another woman’s life by confessing to your best friend that you’ve always loved him. He’ll walks away from her and then you live happily ever after. Why? Because it’s a movie! However this is real life and in real life, the impact of our decisions, ripple and ricochet for years. She can’t make a confession without their being multiple casualties. In light of that, is it worth it?

The real question is this; who does she love more? Her best friend or herself? If she really loves him she should keep quiet. As sometimes truly loving someone means letting them go and putting yourself second.

I’m aware this is dilemma many of us have faced at some point (albeit without the involvement of a foetus) and I’m wondering if I’m being absolutist in my response to it. So what do you think she should do? The floor is yours.

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

In Memory Of Friendships Past

2010-11-19T18:51:00.008Z

I write this post in memory of friendships past. Those men and women who came into my life for a season of time and have left an indelible mark. Some of us parted amicably, others naturally and some drowning in a pool of animosity. Regardless of the circumstances and the words spoken, I thank you. I thank you all. Thank you for being so gracious to teach me priceless lessons. Thank you for giving me your time, for the immeasurable amounts of advice, for the care and above all for the love you bestowed.

Although now we rarely speak and some us walk past each other as though we were strangers, I do hope you know that I’m grateful. I’m not angry or bitter. For some friendships I feel sadness, because I know our pride, stubbornness and inability to compromise brought blossoming relationships to an abrupt end. As it’s inappropriate to communicate with your adversaries, there's no real way of relaying my gratitude without seeming disingenuous. So I have no choice but to use this medium. Juxtaposed with the depth of what we had, it feels rather hollow, but I hope I manage to convey how I feel.

For each friend I lost, through you I gained something that has made me me. You taught me things like humility, confidence, diligence, fearlessness, how to hustle, how to make my hair look great on a budget, how to effectively stalk a man without letting him know you’re stalking him…. : ) How to not care what people think, how to care more about what those that matter think and how to let go....(well almost!).

Perhaps one day we’ll meet again, all will be forgotten and we’ll be friends like we used to. Except things can never be how they used to can they? I’ve changed, you’ve changed and in the real world our decisions aren’t made in vacuum. Reembarking on our friendship would be a road rife with insurmountable complications and I do think we’ve all moved on. Well…almost. You don’t ever ‘move on’ do you? Because old friends like old lovers remain implanted in the walls of our soul forever.

If we get to do this life thing again and we’re reincarnated into new beings, I hope our paths cross again. This time I pray we get it right and have the privilege of watching each other grow old in harmony. Until then, for your presence in my life this time around, I thank you.

Christiana xxx

* This post is dedicated to a special friend who was once like a sister. I wish you well. This universe and all its abundance is yours. Love & Light xxx*

Why we shouldn’t overlook the “nice guy”

2010-11-12T15:29:00.005Z

Working on “The Tip” has meant I’ve literally had no free time and after being reprimanded by my family and friends, last weekend I decided I would relax. I failed woefully.

On the upside, I finally left my bedoffice* and spent some time with a few of my friends. One of whom has recently become a resident of Singleville and as a former serial monogamist, she’s having difficulty grappling with her new status. She’s become contemplative (well paranoid) and believes the Gods are conspiring against her. As she’s the only friend I have that actually wants to get married soon, you can imagine how distressed she is by her current “predicament”.

I find it all very amusing because:

1) She has nothing to worry about and her paranoia is completely misplaced.
2) I think 5 year plans are stupid and love it when I’m proved right.
3) Her rants are the holy grail of all things entertaining.

Mid-way through her, “I’m single and I need to get married in 27.5 months speech” she said something that hit me.

“Christiana, I’m watching men I said no to make other women really happy. What’s worse is there was nothing wrong with them! ”

Why did she say no to these men? At the time she felt they were “too nice”. I can’t judge her because in the past I’ve behaved in a similar manner, as have many women reading this. We’ve passed on perfectly sane men with great prospects just because they were “too nice”.

We weren’t quite sure when our thought process became so polluted, that a man being “too nice” was considered a liability rather than an asset. Since we were feeling ambitious we tried to decipher the root of the problem.

Disclaimer: Our reasoning faculties were severely hampered by drinking too much Rosé. We used the home of all faction aka Wikipedia as our research source.

We concluded that being “too nice” is a liability not necessarily because of niceness itself. Taken in isolation being nice is an attractive trait! However when a man’s too nice and he likes a woman, it means there’s no challenge. The absence of a challenge diminishes a man's attractiveness. Our jaded perception of relationships means that many of us think “true love” must come with a struggle. We believe that if it’s easy to attain, then it’s not worth having. Which is for lack of a better word….stupid.

Not only is there no challenge with a “nice guy”, there’s no competition from other women. Those two factors combined and we have a generation of women who would rather catch a permanent case of thrush, than catch a man who’s “too nice”.

So…..

We are proud to announce that after thinking (well talking) about it extensively, we’re official members of #TeamNiceGuy. We’re also on the hunt for new recruits, because it’s lonely over here. As such we thought we’d compile a list of reasons why the unconverted among you should join us.

Why we shouldn't overlook the "nice guy"

1) Nice doesn't mean he's boring

I think we’re hardwired into assuming that a man being nice means he’s boring. Newsflash! Nice and interesting can co-exist!

2) Even if he is “boring”, it’s still not that bad

Boring is better for your blood pressure, heart rate, weight and you’ll cry less. Yes boring is boring, but I’d take boring over insane any day.

3) Passionate relationships with passionate men are overrated

Romeo was passionate and Juliet is (still) dead. Passion is overrated. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that when “passion” is used to describe a relationship, it’s nothing more than a euphemism for “doomed”.

4) Relationships with other "types" probably won’t work in the long term.

The thug, the commitmentphobe, the serial heartbreaker, the emotionally unavailable hoarder, the man who oscillates between loving you and being indifferent, the dreamer with no work ethic. Relationships with such men have a high mortality rate. And even if they do survive, the relationship is so diseased it might as well be terminated.

If you just want a bit of fun it makes sense to go for such men. After all, the quality of man doesn’t matter when you don’t intend for him to stick around.

Sidebar: Isn’t it funny how the men we don’t intend to keep around, still manage to stick around?

However, if you're at a stage in your life when you've chosen the "No More Drama" route, then a nice guy will compliment that choice.

5) You don’t need to “change” him

At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman engaged in the mother of all Sisyphean quests. She’s trying to change a man. Here’s the thing, no woman has the power to change a man. Not because men can’t be changed, but because people can’t be changed unless they choose to change.

On the other hand if you get with a nice guy you won’t feel compelled to “change” him, because he’s not (as) crazy.

6) Nice guys grow up into great men

Fact.

7) They’ll take care of you AND his mum will be nice too

Anecdata proves (and when I say anedata I’m really talking about statistics I made up in my head) that nice guys take better care of their girlfriends. This is simply because men that treat women like princesses’ tend to have been raised by queens. He’s great, he treats you great and his mum is great. Win. Win. Win.

8) They deserve our time

With so much pressure to conform to the status quo, “nice guys” have the courage to run a different race. They still persist in being nice even though it makes them less attractive and many will overlook them. That alone deserves admiration, respect and at the very least a second date.

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

P.S If you follow me on Twitter or are my friend on Facebook you'll be aware that I have another "secret" blog. It's called "Like I don't blog enough". http://christianam.tumblr.com/ If things are quiet here I may pop up over there. My favourite post thus far is "In Memory of Friendships past" which I felt freed me after writing it. Just thought I'd share it on here as I've had it for months and still haven't got round to it!

* Bedoffice = A bedroom that’s morphed into an office.

The Tip......is live!

2010-11-01T16:31:00.007Z

Hi Everyone!

How I have missed blogging! This hiatus has reminded me how much I genuinely enjoy blogging and precisely why I do it. As some of you know, most of my time since the beginning of August has been spent working on "The Tip". Today at 11am we finally went LIVE.

So yes..... please bookmark

www.thetiponline.com

Log on, read, view all the pictures from the VV Brown shoot and spread the word!

Working on "The Tip" has been such an intense experience (I'm writing this post after having just 4 hours of sleep eeek), but it has been rewarding! I've been able to collaborate with a group of creative, talented, tenacious and ambitious young people, none of whom are willing settle for less than the best.

Whilst putting this together, I have fretted more than I ever have in my life. I have perfected the art of being an insomniac who over-thinks, over-works and over-tweets inappropriate statements late at night. I've learnt that if you neglect doing your hair for too long even your dad will subtly hint that you need to get it done. I've also been the beneficiary of an immense amount of support from family and friends.

The most humbling element of this experience is discovering that humans are kind. Seriously. Humans are kind. Though I don't like to admit it I've always had a Hobbesian view of the world and human nature. During this experience people I have never met have been so kind and helped me even though they don't need to. Without such people "The Tip" would be no more than a bunch of (shoddily drawn) sketches on my bedroom floor.

Anyway! I'm not trying to create any contrived Oprah moments. And considering how much these people have done, a blog post just doesn't suffice. I was going to write about my favourite articles on "The Tip" and recommend them, but I don't want to project my preferences on you. Log on (yes that is another shameless plug) and read away. There's so much going on right now that I need to blog about. Even though I've been quiet of late, I'm going to get back into the flow (promise!). I just need some sleep, some brandy and a pair of shoes.

Sidebar: Yes I said a pair of shoes, buying shoes is the ultimate energy boost. I think I deserve a pair, it's been so long since I last purchased some shoe porn, I'm practically a stiletto virgin.

Finally, thank you to every single person that helped me get "The Tip" off the ground. You are amazing.

Love & Light,

Christiana

xxx

Overcoming Procrastination

2010-10-22T07:30:00.002+01:00

Procrastination is opportunity's natural assassin.
Victor Kiam

Two weeks ago I came across an article in The New Yorker on procrastination.

Sidebar: It’s a lengthy piece but if you have the time read it, it’s pretty interesting. I will warn you that my New Yorker bias may be swaying my opinion

After reading The New Yorker piece I took comfort in the fact that according to ‘anecdata’ I am not alone! Many people also struggle with procrastination.

Procrastinating is a habit I picked up in sixth form and perfected in University. I remember revising entire courses two days before an exam and turning up to exams looking like a prisoner of war. Upon leaving university it became apparent that procrastinating had bled into other areas of my life. Fast forward to age 23 and I’m over-qualified to teach a course on ‘How To Procrastinate’. The only problem is I’d probably keep putting off when I’d run it.
(See what I did there?).

So….

I decided to change.

Not because I wanted to change but because I knew I needed to. The pangs of guilt I’d feel every night when I realised I’d accomplished nothing were bad for my health (I know I’m a drama queen). More importantly I needed to change because I’m trying to be a better daughter/sister/niece/friend/wearer of fabulous clothes. And the less procrastinating I do, the better I become at all of those roles. I realised I needed to learn new habits and crucially unlearn old ones. I started reading extensively (well obsessively) on the topic and seeking advice from anyone willing to give it.

Much to my surprise over the past few months there’s been a significant improvement. I now get things done instead of having a long list of things that need to be done. I’m not there yet. I’ve put off doing my hair for so long yesterday a hairdresser stopped me in the street to offer her services *hangs head in shame * However I’m slowly getting there.

Today I thought I’d share some of the tools I’m using in my journey towards overcoming procrastination. It’d be great if you left some of your tips and experiences in the comments section. The more I learn, the better: )

Here it goes.....

Overcoming Procrastination

1) Re-evaluate your life

‘Anyone that constantly defers everything they need to do, is probably living someone else's life’

The above is what a friend said to me a while back and I do think he has a point. A lot of people fill their lives with things done to fulfill others expectations, rather than things that align to their core. Therefore they're constantly playing the 'I'll do it tomorrow' game, because they don't really want to do those things at all. The question we need to ask is 'Why do I do what I do?’ and 'Am I meant to be doing what I do?'

The more you fill your life with the things you love, the easier ‘work’ becomes. After all 'do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’.

2) Have a reasonable to do list

A lot of procrastination stems from the fact we’re too ambitious when formulating our ‘to do list’.
Long ‘to do lists’ are overrated. It's better to work smart than work hard. Extensive periods of hard work will result in diminishing returns and your work becomes more and more mediocre with each step you take.Contrarily, if your ‘to do list’ is too short, you may gain displaced confidence as a result of doing very little.So keep it reasonable.

3) Keep your ‘To do List’ quiet

I blogged on this a few weeks ago however if you haven’t seen it yet, Watch here -→ Guard Your Goals. Also there’s a brilliant talk over at TED, which puts my vlog to shame and gives a scientific rationale behind the benefits of keeping your goals quiet. Click Here.

4) Prioritise

The more I encounter people obsessed with seeming busy, the more I realise people don’t understand the concept of ‘high priority’.

If everything on your 'to do list' is ‘high priority’ it’s either....

a) Your life is so hectic you're heading towards a heart attack
b) You don’t know what ‘high’, ‘urgent’ or ‘priority’ is.

Prioritise. Placing the most arduous and important tasks at the top of pile. When you do the hard stuff first, everything else will feel easy.

5) Declutter

Decluttering is nothing more than stripping your life down to its necessary components.

So Declutter…

Your workspace
Your head
Your ‘friends’
Your diet
Then…
Declutter your 'to do list' (again)

I intend to write a blog post on the merits of decluttering and how important it is in maintaining good energy around you. My sisters laugh at me every time I mention concepts like ‘energy’, ‘light’, and ‘balance’ but they matter. Unless you’re balanced internally, you will struggle to get things in order externally. To borrow the words of Erykah Badu ‘Pack Light’.

6) Be Accountable

We all need checks and balances. Find someone to be accountable to.

7) Find a routine

Personally this has been the hardest rule to implement. I thrive off the unexpected. However a foundation and routine is needed to hold up the superstructure of our lives.

8) Be Flexible

I had to learn the 'flexibility rule' the hard way. Part of overcoming procrastinating is distinguishing procrastination from a creative block. If you’re genuinely trying to get a task done and it’s not working, move on. Some barriers aren’t meant to be overcome at that moment in time. We must respect our creative blocks, because they have their place. Be flexible and know when to walk away.

9) Choose not to live each day like your last

You know the saying ‘Live each day like you last’? I hate it. It’s stupid advice. Why on earth people subscribe to it, I do not know. If it’s our last day on earth, tomorrow doesn't matter because we won't be here to see it unfold!

On other hand if we live each day in order to make our tomorrow better (and easier), it’s an incentive to get on with things. When I’m about to put off doing something I think (aloud) ‘If you leave it till tomorrow, it’ll only be harder’. And because I feel embarrassed that I’m talking to myself, I start to get on with it.

10) Show Up and Work

I've left the most important rule till last. The bottom line is you’ve got to show up. If you don't show up, rules 1-9 are inconsequential. Show up, work and do your best.

Love and Light

Christiana

xxx

The Tip

2010-10-19T14:05:00.005+01:00

It’s been a week since I last blogged and instead of apologising for what could be perceived as flakiness, I thought I’d explain what I’ve been up to.

At the beginning of August I had a conversation with a friend about how frustrated I was with the lack of women’s magazine that cater to women like me. It’s 2010 and if Vogue (or any mainstream fashion publication for that matter) puts a woman of colour on the cover, it’s considered an event. Which is ludicrous! Despite the liberal media harping on about us being in a ‘post racial era’ women’s magazines clearly aren’t yet ready to regularly include women from all ethnicities on their covers or in their editorial spreads. I didn't want a magazine that catered to a specific race, all I wanted is a magazine that was racially inclusive and celebrated the fact we're global citizens, rather than highlighting divisions.

It wasn’t just the inherent racism and reluctance to change the status quo that riled me up. I hate the fact that so many magazines speak down to women rather than directly to women. They’re filled with insulting quizzes with kindergarten level analysis...

‘If you ticked mostly c’s you’re a strong individual who likes leopard print shoes and isn’t afraid to be the life of the party’ * rolls eyes * Yes because quizzes are the best way of deducing who I am as a woman.

They glorify celebrities to demi-Goddess status yet contradictorily encourage us to pick apart that celebrities body, because *gasp * once a month women get bloated. We scrutinise other women’s bodies and are told about the best ways to conceal (rather than embrace) our own. If they’re not latently trying to get us to hate ourselves, they’ll kindly give us instructions on how we can go about mutating our personalities in order to become ‘what a man wants’. What’s scary is that we’ve become so desensitised to what we’re reading, we’ve forgotten it’s poison.

So I thought instead of complaining about what I see why don’t I create an alternative?

And ‘The Tip’ was born.

Well that’s simplifying things. Between August and now, it’s been weeks of meticulous planning, trying to find writers with the right voice who get the vision, late nights spent frantically trying to get things ready and though I despise this word because it’s so ubiquitous it’s been rendered meaningless…lots of ‘hustling’. I've been riddled with self-doubt and without my family and friends I would have gone into reverse ages ago.....

But! We’re almost there and ‘The Tip’ will go live on November 1st.

If you like this blog, you’ll love ‘The Tip’. And if you’ve disagreed with anything I’ve written over the past few years, you’ll definitely love the ‘The Tip’. Simply because it’s wider, deeper, more robust and more varied in content, topics and opinion.

Our first cover girl is singer and face of Marks & Spencer VV Brown who we shot last month. You’ll be able to see full editorial (she looks fierce) and read the interview when the site goes live on November 1st.

So yes it's official I am now a single mother to two kids. ‘Christiana Rants’ and ‘The Tip’. However what’s great about working on ‘The Tip’ is the talented individuals I’m working alongside. The team is the perfect blend of sanity, insanity, creativity, passion and intelligence (if I might say so myself).

I don’t want to ramble on too much about it because but please bookmark ‘The Tip’ www.thetiponline.com and if you’re a resident of Twietnam follow us @TheTipOnline (we'll follow back!) . The news/gossip section will be updated daily, features/columns/fashion/beauty etc every Monday and our covers are being done on a bi-monthly basis.

So that’s a bit of what I’ve been up to over the last few months! ‘The Tip’ won’t conflict with this blog simply because I don’t write much because I don’t have the capacity to. It’s just been while I’ve been getting things off the ground, I’ve had less time to dedicate to my other interests. However I'll get back into my 3 posts a week rhythm soon!

I do hope you all join me on the next phase of my journey. My sincere thanks for all your support thus far, without it I doubt I would have had the confidence walked down this path at all. So thank you.

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

Where are all the good women?

2010-10-12T15:04:00.002+01:00

A while back I wrote a blog called ‘The Drought’ in which I attempted to debunk the myth that good men are in decline. I argued that they weren’t becoming extinct but certain factors were at work causing them to go undetected.

One of my main arguments was this….

There are 'too many' good women

People often say it’s the ‘hoes’ and women who lack scruple that make it hard for ‘good women’. I disagree. Good women (unintentionally) make it harder for good women. The quality and quantity of good women is so high, there isn't a real incentive for men to retire from bachelorhood. On the other hand if the general perception was good women were becoming extinct, I think the 'good men' would be more inclined to put themselves out there.

Sidebar: You can read the post in its entirety here.

I thought it was a commonly accepted fact that on a purely numerical basis the number of good women will always outstrip the number of good women. Biology has destined it that there are more women than men in the world, therefore all things being equal…

Number of Good Women > Number of Good Men

Sidebar: I’m not a fan of the phrase all things being equal because things are never equal, so I do apologise for using it to prop up limp ‘mathematical’ logic. Please don’t blame me for my shoddy use of mathematics; I am a product of the New Labour educational system, which valued academic attainment over actual learning. Blame Blair and his cronies : )

Yet to my surprise that point was the only one that stirred a considerable reaction. In the blog’s comments section, on Facebook and Twitter, I encountered men vehemently disagreeing with the observation that good women were in abundance.

Initially I dismissed such men as anomalies. However a recent debate with some good friends of mine made it apparent they’re not alone. My friends argued that beautiful women are in abundance, but ‘good women’ are few and far between. As the argument raged on, I was forced to concede that they might have a point.

At the end of our lengthy debate I still held there are ‘too many good women’ and my dear friends claimed I was ‘delusional’. As we couldn’t decide amongst ourselves, I was challenged to write a blog outlining my case and then leave it to you guys to decide. Here it goes…

There are many good women, it’s just that…

1)You’re looking in the wrong places

You’re unlikely to find gourmet food rifling in a dustbin. However that's what many men (and women) do when looking for the 'Mr/Miss Right'. If you want a certain standard of women, you must place yourself in the environments where she's normally found. Complaining there aren’t enough good women (or men) says more about what you choose to expose yourself to, than the actual state of affairs.

2) You've made them friends or they've friend zoned you

See point 1 in ‘The Drought’ for further explanation.

3)You’ve probably already had 1,2,3 or even 8 amazing women but you let her get away

Go on admit it. Just like every woman has that one guy who she remembers with a twinge of regret because she dismissed him for being ‘too nice’, you’ve let an amazing woman get away. It’s an uncomfortable truth that both genders grapple with. We’re self-sabotagers who often let the people who are good for us go, yet allow those who are toxic to stick around.

4) No woman will ever be as great as your mum

Is there a need to expand further?

5) You’re looking for a good woman who doesn’t require much work

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worth it"

Good women involve more work. Get over it! If you’re looking for a good woman, that requires the same level of effort and engagement as an average woman, just like a unicorn that can dutty whine….you won’t find her.

Great things are never easy to acquire and maintain and if you get it and maintain it easily, you’ve probably over-estimated its worth. If you want a woman who doesn’t involve hard work, lower your expectations. Good women will always come with high demands because demanding more of herself and others is one of the underlying reasons behind her substance! Furthermore her demanding more of you is beneficial, because those who expects more from us bring out the best in us.

Sidebar: High requirements are fine, ridiculous requirements are not.

Would it be beneficial for Oxford or Harvard to lower their academic entry requirements? Of course it wouldn’t, because that would dilute what they stand for and tarnish their reputation. In that sense good women are like elite universities, closed to most yet open to a select few. And it seems to me that when people complain there aren’t enough good women, what they really mean is there aren’t enough good women willing to put up with less.

That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it : )

As the point of this blog was to state my case and then get input from you all, are my arguments compelling enough for the naysayers among you to agree that good women are in abundance? Or am I simply blind to the reality that.....

The number of Kat Stacks’ > The number of Michelle Obama’s?

The floor is yours!

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

Guard Your Goals

2010-10-08T12:10:00.002+01:00

It's been a while but I finally got around to it. Yes, I've done a video blog! It's on a life principle I've recently implemented in my life and has helped closed the gap between goal formulation and goal execution. Pfff why am I using fancy talk? In short I've learnt keeping my mouth shut is helping me get stuff done.

In hindsight, there's a lot more I could have said in the vlog but I'm not trying to send anyone to sleep. Unnecessarily long vlogs (heck unnecessarily long anythings) are the bane of my existence. Short and pithy, straight to the point without apologies. That's what I (try to) do.

As ever, if you enjoy the video or if you hate this blog so much yet you contradictorily insist on coming back and increasing my hits * big smile*

1) Share
2) Comment
3) Subscribe

I'm going to do my utmost to post video blog more regularly, as far as my hair permits of course, my regrowth is a force of nature that's untamable on a good day.

In the coming weeks they're going to be a few interesting announcements on this blog so do stay tuned. I would announce them now but that would be contradicting everything I stated in my vlog! Hopefully my lack of posts a few weeks back will make more sense and you'll all continue with me on the next phase of my journey.

Anyway! I must be off, I have a wedding this weekend which I'm looking forward too but I'm dreading that moment when my mum and aunt coerce me into going up to catch the bouquet. The last wedding I attended (where the women had to catch the bouquet to Beyonce's 'Single Ladies') my aunt was so vexed I deliberately missed she rebuked 'the spirit of no marriage, bad sex and poverty in the name of Jesus!'. And you all wonder why I need to blog?

Have a fab weekend : )

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

22 Things Films teach you about love vs. 22 Things Life teaches you about love

2010-10-05T11:46:00.004+01:00

If you read this blog regularly you’ll be aware that I'm not the biggest fan of watching films or going to the cinema. Despite a public vow that I would change, I’ve only been to the cinema once this year. When I was younger I didn’t have to be coerced or bribed into watching films and I’m not sure at what precise moment I became disenchanted with them. I used to love shallow teen flicks and romantic comedies. In fact such films were my main information resource as to how I would fall in love and what love was supposed to be.

Now I’m an adult (albeit a reluctant one) and I’m sieving truth from error, I’ve discovered things often don’t go the way the movies tell us they will. Perhaps that’s the root of my film resentment and rejection. The discovery the information I was gathering about love, life and relationships was false, has traumatised me beyond repair. Secondary School is nothing like ‘Clueless’ and no matter how much you listen to the radio, your ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ moment probably won’t happen.

I’m aware that the blog content over the past couple of weeks has been a bit heavy (See ‘How To Get Over Someone’) and since I woke up in a facetious mood, today I thought I’d post something lighter.

22 things films teach you about love

VS.

22 things life teaches you about love.

22 things films teach you about Love

1)There is such a thing as love at first sight. Love at first sight is followed by a season of denial, then the admission that "from the moment I set my eyes on you I knew you were the one". In the real world such an admission will induce nausea and/or suspicion.

2)You may fall in love with one of your best friends

3) Love comes naturally and bar a few convulsions the path of true love is smoother than a bald man’s head.

4) You need to have a friend who's fatter than you in order to fall in love.

5)A damsel in distress scenario precedes ‘love at first sight’ moments. Engineer them.

6) True Love is inappropriate.

7)Love and prolonged infatuation are the same thing.

8)It’s better to be mute and walking on earth with the man of your dreams, than under the sea living like a princess.

9)Being in possession of big breasts paired with a waist so narrow it borders on invisible, will accelerate the falling in love process. A face paralysed by botox helps also.

10)If he has second thoughts on the wedding day and leaves you a voicemail saying he wants out, that’s ok. Real love is riddled with doubt and contradiction.

11)You will gain the courage to confess you’re in love at the most socially inconvenient moment in time. That’s also ok.

12) Dying for love (well killing yourself for love) is the highest expression of love.

(Wasn't that a book first? Then made into a mediocre film, but it was all worth it just for this vocal performace ---->Click Here )

13) People have to almost lose you in order to truly love you.

14) Your instinct is always right. Trust it.

15) Openly obsessing about love and making it the focal point of all your activity makes you more attractive.

16) It's easier to find love if you haven't used your uterus. However if you have used your uterus, fret not! Try a failing sports agent or any failing man for that matter. Only men with limited options desire women with kids.

17) Not many Asian/Black/Latina/Mixed/white women that don't fit a narrow Hollywood phenotype find love. Fortunately such women are more than qualified for being the best friend and chief bridesmaid for the woman who does find love. * Claps hands in Glee *

18) Love makes you feel superhuman.

19) After living a life free of carbs, being in love is the most glamorous form of validation.

20) Whatever he does, forgive him.

21) Being a cold-hearted bitch with control issues then reforming into a warm hearted quasi bitch with control issues demonstrates that love will change you for the better.

22) You only get one shot at love.

22 things life teaches you about Love

1) Sometimes you have to lose love first in order to gain it.

2) It's indefinable, indescribable and used so flippantly it's been perverted. It certainly cannot be condensed down to 22 things.

3) It’s a simple or complicated as you make it.

4) Love never dies when relationships end.Like energy love transforms into another state. Perhaps it’s anger, pity, indifference, bitterness or sadness. However Love cannot die.

5) It makes you gain weight.

6) It makes you not mind when you've gained weight.

7) When it ‘ends’ 6 will no longer be true.

8) You may or may not call your friends as much as you used to.

9) Like Mulan you’ll leave your personal paradise for unknown shores.

10) The debate over whether it can be bought is valid one.

11) Like death, it is a reminder that we are human, mortal and temporary beings. The fun part is, unlike death, we get to see who’s genuinely happy or sad when we’ve experienced it.

12) You have to work at it. Every. Single. Day. Most can’t be bothered

13) Make up can only attract for a certain amount of time. It’s what’s on the inside that sustains.

14) Love exists in the space between the regions of insanity and sanity. Its endurance requires us to oscillate from region to region depending on the circumstances.

15) True love and prolonged infatuation are very different, yet they feel so similar we can easily misidentify one for the other.

16) Love will change you, but not necessarily in the way you’d hoped.

17) Your instinct could be wrong. Nevertheless, trust it.

18) Love isn’t just about words it’s about works.

19) “Love without sacrifice is theft” Nassim Taleb. Sacrifice requires a spirit of humility and the belief that someone else’s needs override yours. That is difficult.

20) The phrase ‘love yourself’ has been thrown around so much it’s become a banal cliché. However loving other people without loving yourself is a slow form of death.

21) To paraphrase Victor Hugo ‘One can resist the invasion of an army but one cannot resist the invasion of love’

22) Learning to love is a journey with no finish line.

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

How To Stay Positive

2010-10-01T17:35:00.008+01:00

"How do you stay positive, and live your life when everyone around you and you yourself r negative??? Would love you to do a blog on this or personal tips thank you xx"
Candice

We are born into a world defined by duality. Good vs. evil, fire vs. water, fear vs. faith, light vs. dark. We didn't choose to be surrounded by these contrary elements. We didn't choose to come here and most of us will not choose when we leave. However in the space between our arrival and departure, we can choose which side to sit on. We can allow ourselves to drown in the darkness of negativity or we can make a daily commitment that positive energy will outweigh the negative.

It's easy to maintain the commitment to remain positive when life is going swimmingly and things effortlessly fall into place. However how do we remain positive when things fall apart? What do we do on those days when we’re frustrated by our perceived lack of progress and crippled by feelings of inadequacy? Is it possible to stay positive when our issues intimidate us, we’ve maxed out our overdraft and everyone from our weaveologist to foxes seem to be conspiring against us? Of course of it is. In fact it is imperative that we remain positive on such days because that is when it really counts.

So how the heck do we stay positive on the bad days? Since the question was directed at me, I’ll state what I do and the tips I’ve stolen from those I admire….

Note: This list isn't exhaustive please feel free to leave your tips in the comments section.

‘How to Stay Positive’

1) Strive to maintain an attitude of gratitude

Whatever the day brings, I try to end it with a spirit of gratitude. Even if everything went atrociously I whisper a word of thanks for the privilege of ending it alive.

Sidebar: I recently stumbled on a site called 'Gratitude Log' where you're challenged to daily write down what you're grateful for. I've found it to be a great tool for fostering a lifestyle of gratitude.

2) Ignore the minor issues

When we examine the bigger picture the things we allow to weigh us down are often inconsequential. It shouldn’t take being confronted by grave issues such as illness, unemployment or death, for us to gain perspective. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, get over it, some people have real problems.

3) Remember Everything is Temporary

Whatever the problem, it will pass.

4) Think Good Thoughts

Our thoughts of today often determine our tomorrow. So if our thoughts are contaminated, tomorrow's going to be contaminated. If that’s not an incentive to think good thoughts, I’m not sure what is.

5) Have Fun

It's obvious isn’t it? However in this world of 5-year plans, self-help books and the obsessive pursuit of success, it’s as if we’ve forgotten it’s ok relax and have fun. Have a lazy day or two. Eat that extra cupcake. Fart and blame it on someone else.... : )

6) Surround yourself with positive people

7) Exercise and Eat healthily

8) Listen to positive music

I know I risk losing my musical integrity by revealing this fact but despite it's cheesiness, Destiny Child’s ‘Happy Face' always puts a smile on my face! On the opposite end of the musical spectrum my current positives vibes tune is Labrinth's 'Let the Sun Shine' . Amazing.

9) Don’t (always) fight sadness

I'm aware that feeling sadness is diametrically opposed to a life filled with happiness. However happiness isn’t the only legitimate emotion. It's amazing how many of us feel guilty for feeling sadness. Sadness has its place. If you have something to be sad about, be sad. Don’t force yourself to be positive for the sake of it, that's disingenuous. There are seasons for everything. Live your season of sadness but do not allow yourself to wallow in it.

10) Keep Going

This point is summed up best by Graeme Fife.

‘The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet, the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep Going"

I can’t finish this post without addressing the second part of the question…

“How do you stay positive…. when everyone around you and you yourself are negative???’

Is it possible that everyone around us can be negative? Yes, but it’s highly unlikely. So what's really going on here? As I turned the second part of the question over in my head, I concluded there are two probable options.

Like wolves, negative people tend to move in packs. For example, the type of girl who gives an attractive girl a dirty look and makes a bitchy comment about her attire even though she looks flawless, tends to hang around with women who exhibit similar behavior. The people who we spend most of our time with speak volumes about our character. We cannot ignore the possibility that we’re as much a part of the problem as the ‘negative people’ we point a finger at. The question we must honestly ask ourselves is, are the people in my life negative because I am negative?

The second option is that you’re not negative and neither is ‘everyone' around you. Some people around you are negative, but it feels like everyone because those people have a prominent position in your life. It could also be an environment that dominates your life e.g. work, home, place of worship etc has a negative vibe.

Due to my ruthless attitude towards negativity and negative people, if I’d written this a year ago, I'd probably recommend you cut the negative people off or remove yourself from negative environments (See ‘The Friendship Detox’’). However this is a drastic approach to resolving matters. A more reasonable solution is to take the negative people aside and tactfully explain how their behaviour is hampering your life. Negative individuals are like people with bad breath, they're oblivious to their condition, but we’re all made to suffer. If after a discussion they persist with their behaviour, then I think that’s grounds for creating distance.

Finally, if you're trying to stay positive it’s important to develop thick skin and stop caring about what others think. Too many people let others negatively impact them more than they should because they want to be liked. Become comfortable with being disliked. As long as you like you that should be enough.

If none of the above works pretend negative people (and idiots) are invisible. It never fails : )

Love & Light

xxx

Press Pause?

2010-09-28T14:25:00.005+01:00

Whilst at a dinner party, a friend of mine directed a question solely towards the single women in the room.

‘If you met Mr Right today do you think it’d work out? Answer honestly!’

Roughly half of us responded with a no, acknowledging that we weren’t ready for ‘Mr Right’.

Sidebar: I think ‘Mr Right’ is a bit like Santa Claus, a mythical social construct that does more harm than good. But that’s another blog post…

She then turned to the women who felt they were ready and made a compelling case as to why their next relationship probably wouldn’t work out. Pleased that for once I wasn’t the most controversial guest at the table, I decided to sit back and listen, rather than be the voice of dissent.

Sidebar: I’m lying. Me + Free Food = Silence.

Despite the intensity of the debate, miraculously we all left the dinner table with our friendships in tact. And since her theory provoked such a reaction, I thought it was only just I shared it on here…

Press Pause

“Meet a guy, fancy the guy, hook up with guy, guy becomes boyfriend, fall in love with the guy…you and the guy eventually split up”

Give or take a few weeks or months between each stage, that’s cycle most women have been engaged in since they were teenagers. According to my friend this viscous cycle could potentially become a virtuous circle that ends with ‘you and the guy live happily ever after’, if women (and men) radically changed their behaviour.

In the time between the ‘fancy the guy’ and ‘hook up with guy’ stages, she advises that women ‘press pause’ and halt the sequence of events. Instead of allowing things to escalate into a relationship, we must make the seemingly counter-intuitive commitment to stay friends.

Why? Apparently we’re doing it all backwards. We’ve amplified living in the moment and relegated gradually getting to know a person. Consequently we’re using the dating and relationship stage as a method of getting to know a man, instead of the more benign framework of friendship.

We misidentify great sex as a great relationship or a great ‘connection’ as a signifier of a great future. Fast forward a few months or years later and according to her ‘we’re in love with men that we don’t really know’. When the inevitable relationship growing pains emerge, we resent a man for ‘changing’ when in fact he’s simply being himself. We just never took the time to discover who he really was.

After using herself as a guinea pig, she’s come to the conclusion being friends for as long as possible is the better option, as relationships underpinned by sound friendships work best.

As I was being unusually quiet (ingesting carbs has that impact on me), my friend decided to divert the debate away from herself...

‘Christiana what do you think? Do you think you’ll try the 'press pause' method? ”

It’s not that I don’t see the benefits of her approach. Observing before you submerge yourself in a situation is the wiser option. The ‘press pause’ method makes sense. However I couldn’t sit there and advocate something that I lack the capacity to carry out.

Firstly, let’s deal with the elephant in the room touching itself. The whole ‘press pause’ thing is a great theory but in the real world, such theories are discarded. The type of men we want drive us in the opposite direction. They make us jump on the relationship rollercoaster even if we’ve just eaten ten red velvets *guilty face* . When you meet a man and you have an electric connection, being ‘just friends’ ceases to be an option.

Perhaps it’s proof that deep inside me lives a romantic, but I believe when it comes to matter of the heart, when you know you know. It doesn't matter if you were friends for 5 minutes or 5 years. You can ‘press pause’ all you like but when that "thing" in you is triggered and you think, "this is it", you’ll feel compelled to follow that feeling. In hindsight it may have been the ‘wrong’ decision but it'll lead you somewhere and that’s what life’s about. Taking chances and exploring the unknown.

Secondly, I’m usually not a fan of labels but in the realm of relationships for the sake of avoiding complications, we need them. What do we call the type of arrangements we’ve ‘pressed pause’ on? ‘We're just getting to know each other, but we’re exclusive, but we’re not really exclusive because we’re really friends but more than friends’ ? Did that make sense or did you have to read it twice? Exactly. (Shoddy) Proof this ‘press pause’ thing can unnecessarily complicate matters that should be simple.

Finally, the theory is based on the faulty assumption that all women seek long-term relationships. As hard as it is to believe, there are countless women in their twenties who aren’t obsessed with marriage or settling down. Many women desire something casual that fits around their lifestyle. For such women there’s no need to use friendship as a guise for an intensive screening process because the men in her life are temporary.

Are some of us trapped in a dating cycle that’s not working? Yes. Does the ‘press pause’ method ensure that we’ll make better choices and things will change? Of course not. I think a gentler application of the ‘press pause’ method is more practical. Instead of accelerating into a relationship or lying stagnant in a pseudo friendship, we should simply take each day at a time and see what happens.

What’s your opinion? Is ‘press pause’ the way forward? Or is it unfeasible? The floor is yours!

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

How to get over someone

2010-09-21T23:01:00.003+01:00

If I had to rank the questions I’m most frequently emailed, ‘How do I get over someone?’ would be in the top 5. This doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Heartbreak is one of the unavoidable consequences of living. For the women who’ve managed to recover from heartbreak, the memories are enough to make us vow to never love anyone so recklessly again. That’s what we say until we meet someone who’s so intriguing, all those nights spent crying are swept away as we allow ourselves to be swept off our feet. All the while knowing the type of men with the power to break down our walls tend to bring one of two things, indescribable joy or unbearable pain. However it all seems worth the risk at the time.

That’s one of the reasons why trying to overcome heartbreak is such an ordeal. Half of the heartache is caused by the annoying fact it was self-inflicted and we were active participants in causing own pain.

It’s an unspoken rule that we must go through heartbreak silently and privately. Beyond a few friends and family members, no one knows we’re going through it. All this does is compound the misery. Everyone speaks to us like things are normal, we appear normal yet feel like we’ve lost a limb.

So whenever I receive an email with the subject ‘How do I get over someone?’ I immediately respect that woman for being brave enough to come out and discuss a topic many of us shy from sharing publicly. I also wish we lived in a world where women and men were allowed to cry publicly about their heartbreak, without everyone thinking they’re emotionally imbalanced, unhinged or weak. Unfortunately we live in a (western) world, where we may freely show our cleavage and bare our midriffs, but we must hide our emotions in order to make others feel comfortable.

Since pretending you’re fine when you feel like crap is torturous, it’s perfectly normal to seek a quick fix cure for heartbreak. Perhaps if we watch the right films, read the right literature and listen to enough ‘things will get better one day Mary J Bligesque’ ballads, somehow we can catalyse the healing process. Yet the reality is there are no quick fixes when it comes to heartbreak.

Of course there are temporary measures that give the illusion of healing and will momentarily (albeit ineffectively) fill the void. We can feign indifference, party so hard our stilettos need to be reheeled, have sex with someone else, get a new haircut, lose the extra weight or write subliminal yet oh so obvious Facebook updates which allude to us being ‘stronger’. However the accumulative impact of doing all these things will be negligible. It’s a bit like using dental floss to stitch a weave. People may believe it’s real for a while but eventually it’ll all fall apart.

Sidebar: I promise you that’s my last weave analogy of the year (ok maybe the month)

So ‘How’ do you get over someone? Well there is no ‘how’. There is no definitive method. There is no magic formula. There are no 5 easy steps. There is no secret mantra you can whisper to yourself that will alleviate the pain and anyone that attempts to sell you the book with the answer is a charlatan. All we can really do is get on with life. Whatever it is you do, keep doing it. Feign normality until you almost believe things are ‘normal’. Life goes on. One day you’ll stop caring and by the time you stop caring you won’t even care enough to notice you’ve stopped caring. We can’t fight heartbreak, we just live through it.

Sadly in our rush to ‘get over’ people and recover from our heartbreak some of us pour our energy into trying to forget the person that caused our pain. If someone shakes your world so much you need to forget them, surely that’s an experience worth remembering? The experience itself may have been imperfect, but the lessons we could learn are perfect. Perfectly shaped to fit into the fabric of our lives and help us in the future.

Furthermore why must we pretend just because a relationship has ended that person leaves us forever? They’re part of us, whether we like it or not. For good or for bad, they leave an indelible mark on our lives, reshape our characters, change our perspective and help form who we are from that moment on. I don’t think this is something we should reject, rather we should embrace it. They’re always a part of us and as long as they no longer have power over us that’s ok.

As you may have gathered this post was inspired by a young lady asking me how she could get over her first real love. After I sent her an abridged version of this blog her response was…

“Well if there’s no ‘how’, how long should it take to get over someone?”

To which I had to respond with ‘I don’t know’. 7 years? 7 weeks? 7 months? Any number people choose as the appropriate amount of time to spend heartbroken is arbitrary. To condescendingly say someone’s taking ‘too long’ or judgementally state another’s gotten over someone ‘too quickly’, would be projecting our own beliefs and preferences on others. The truth is just like there’s no magic formula for getting over someone, there’s no magic number of days that signify the journey is over. That’s my opinion and for now I’m sticking by it.

What’s your opinion? Have I got the wrong end of the stick? Is there a method for getting over heartbreak? If so, what is it? Or is it simply a question of getting on with life and things eventually getting better? Let me know!

Love & Light

xxx

The Problem With Categories

2010-09-17T14:13:00.003+01:00

Recently a good friend of mine promised me he’s finally ready to have a real girlfriend and I foolishly volunteered my matchmaking services. After listening to his checklist and reminding him that I don’t know Halle Berry personally, I concluded I probably knew about 2.5 women who’d be able to tolerate him without contemplating hanging themselves by their hair.

After coming up with a few names, my friend suddenly informed me of his non-negotiable requirement. He is adamant that the woman must not have a tattoo on her neck. Now none of the woman I suggested had neck tattoos. However I felt offended on behalf of my (imaginary) neck tattooed friend who was amazing yet being unfairly discriminated against for something so superficial.

It so happened that a few of our other friends were present during my ‘matchmaking consultation’ and unsurprisingly a debate ensued about the ‘neck tattoo test’ . Of course we never found common ground however as the discussion evolved I can say I learnt one thing.

Men place women into categories (too).

Well duuh, you’re probably thinking. The thing is prior to this conversation, I hadn’t given extensive thought to the categories men lump women into or if they categorise us at all. I believe a woman should discover her true identity on her terms, and paying too much attention to what she believes ‘men’ want, will inevitably stifle her self-expression. For that reason I deliberately don’t allow my mind to dwell on the topic too much.

However when I have thought about how men may categorise women, I’ve always they’re more flexible than women in their selection process. The commonly accepted idea is it’s women that have the stringent criteria and are supposedly unwilling to compromise. But I’ve changed my mind. I do think men are equally (if not more) stringent than women are. Even though us women don’t like to admit it, our ‘checklist’ is subject to change and most of us can attest to the fact we’ve fallen for a man who was once in the 'why won't he stop calling me?' category.....

On the other hand the conversation I had with my friends made it apparent to me that even though some men may not know what they want, when they know what they don’t want, they stick to it.

Fascinated by the concept of categories I asked my friends to outline them.

Sidebar: It’s too long to go into and will have to be a completely different blog entry. If we simplified matters and used broad strokes, there are women that are worthy of meeting a man’s mum and those that aren’t.Simple.

What was enlightening (and slightly frightening) was that how a woman is categorised impacts:

1) How much a man invests in a relationship
2) How long the relationship will last.

Which basically means there are millions (well thousands) of women in a relationship that they think has long term potential, completely oblivious to the fact that their men have placed them in a ‘short term’ category. Because apparently (heavy emphasis on the apparently)

‘A woman can work her way down the categories, but rarely can she work her way up’

Now I knew there was no point debating whether men should or shouldn’t categorise women, it would be hypocritical as women categorise men. Furthermore bar the neck tattoo test (which I still think is ludicrous) the traits required to be in different categories weren’t as superficial as I thought they’d be. My objection was the fact I felt my friends had missed something crucial…

‘Just because a woman appears to appropriate doesn't mean she is'

All these ‘categories’ and the various requirements necessary to fulfill them are deceptive. Why? Because people are deceptive.

Smart (well devious) women and men will project what they think will help them attract the type of person they want. In essence they can (and will) create a version of themselves, that isn’t reflective of the ‘true them’. For instance one of my friends insists he’ll only be with a woman who goes to church regularly because he wants to be with a Christian. He seems to have forgotten that that many people are churchgoers and many people call themselves Christians, but few are both. Or my other friend who insisted he likes the type of woman who frequents art galleries because it indicates she’s cultured. What about those people who go to art galleries just because it makes them seem cultured? The type that doesn’t absorb anything they observe and really don’t care about extending their minds. For such people going to art galleries is how they polish their particular brand of pretentiousness.The bottom line is people will pretend to be who they think they need to be. They may be so successful at it they fool everyone, even themselves, into believing that’s who they truly are.

Perhaps I’m playing devil’s advocate, but what if a woman gives the appearance of being "less" than she is? What if she's being placed in the wrong category and just needs someone to work alongside her? And what about the women who seem great on paper but internally there’s a she-devil plotting world domination?I’m not denying the usefulness of categorising, I’m merely highlighting how deceptive such a method can be in the long run. Furthermore by placing such a great emphasis on categories, both men and women are essentially closing themselves off to people who could be great for them.

We may not be able to fling aside our categorisations but let’s all bear in mind the only thing we can really ‘judge’ a person on is merit. Opening our horizons and considering more people than we otherwise would can’t be a bad thing…even if they have neck tattoo’s : )

Love & Light

xxx

That September Feeling....

2010-09-14T22:47:00.003+01:00

I loved September growing up. The anticipation of the impending school year and knowing I’d finally be getting a new school uniform meant I was in a perpetual state of excitement. I relished going to WH Smith with The Duchess to buy new stationery. We’d get to the till and she’d say to me in a menacing whisper ‘if you lose any of these things I will not replace a thing…..’. I’d smirk inwardly knowing full well African pride would prevent her from ever allowing me to be the child with sub-standard stationery.

The only thing I dreaded about September was shoe shopping. As a child I had awkwardly shaped feet, so it was the sartorial equivalent of Chinese water torture. We usually began shoe shopping in mid-August and capitulated the day before I went back to school. It was a clash of wills between my mother and I. I wanted trendy shoes whilst she wanted practical shoes that I would ‘grow into’.

Sidebar: Am I the only person who had parents obsessed with buying their children clothes they could ‘grow’ into?

Shoe shopping always ended in tears. I would dramatically declare I would rather die than wear ugly shoes and my mum would remind me she wouldn’t hesitate to call social services if I didn’t shut up.

Torturous shopping trips aside, I still look back on Septembers past with fondness. Each rung I climbed up the school ladder required a new level of commitment, responsibility and represented a new phase of learning. I’ve always loved change and September meant change was being forced upon me and passivity wasn’t an option. September presented the challenges the pugnacious part of me sought. And as my enthusiasm for education dwindled, September meant I was a step closer to finally getting out of institutions I’d come to loathe.

Today I’m at a stage in life where September no longer bears the same significance nor does it produce the same wave of emotions. There’s no back to school flurry, no pep talks from parents/teachers encouraging me to strive for more and there’s no collective sense of excitement amongst my peers about what the future holds. One of the downsides of adulthood is the only time in the year we get a semblance of that old September feeling is at the beginning of January. When we sit down and write down resolutions we lack the resolve to keep, then tuck them away in a draw where they’re forgotten.

I miss that old September feeling and all the good it evoked within me. It’s been a year since I left university and I miss that rush of determination I gained upon the start of a new academic year. However I’d rather slow dance with a fox whilst wearing Lady GaGa’s meat dress, than spend more time in education.

After spending time wondering how I could recapture that September feeling without being imprisoned sorry enrolling in a university, yesterday it hit me. I’d attached too much significance on the temporal. I’d foolishly associated a frame of mind, with a time frame. The ‘September feeling’ I miss is possible on any day of the year. It’s not about the season, it’s about my mentality during whatever season I’m in. That unshakable belief that in the coming year anything would be possible if I worked hard enough could happen on any day. It shouldn’t have to take the arrival of September 1st or January 1st for me to believe in it.

I still wish every day could be like the first day back at school, when we thought ‘this year is really going to be different’ and we’d work extra hard to impress our new teacher. On the other hand the reality is every day isn’t the first day of school. However I don't think this fact should hinder us from actively seeking to tap into that first day of school feeling......I guess the 'September feeling' I've been harping on about is just my feeble attempt at describing Optimism in poetic terms.

If we manage to recapture that ‘feeling’ it’s our responsibility to maintain it. When we find its source, we must daily go back to it, grab on to it and then run with it. We must run so we maintain the momentum necessary for our goals and dreams to become a reality.And on those days when everything goes really disastrously (let’s be real no mater how many positive thoughts we think awful things will happen) at least we'll know we can return to the source of that ‘September feeling’ when we recover from the blow.

I've discovered our perception of our reality determines our reality as much as reality itself, so I’m on a mission to daily tap into that ‘September’ feeling. It's not a contrived effort to create waves of nostalgia or an attempt to live on the highs of the past. Rather this is about using the positive and determined outlook I'd wrongly associated with a pocket of time (rather than a frame of mind), to create greater moments in the present and empower me in the future.

For those that understand where I’m coming from and crave something similar, you’re more than welcome to join me. I figure if we do it often enough, for long enough, before we know it we’ll have that 'September feeling' all year round.

Love & Light

xxx

P.S Thanks for your patience during my blog break. I’ll be resuming with my normal posting schedule (three times a week). Let’s go!!!! : )

Untitled (because I can't think of a title....)

2010-09-03T21:28:00.004+01:00

Firstly, I’d like to say I’m sorry for how quiet this blog has been over the last fortnight. It wasn’t my intention to take what seems like a hiatus and I know some may think I’ve been neglecting this space. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Every morning I wake up just after 6am. I pray, mediate, read and then I start writing something to post on here or for the other projects I’m involved in. For the past few weeks it’s been harder than ever to write. It’s not because I have nothing to say (I doubt that will ever happen!), it’s just I can’t seem to construct anything I think is worthy of posting.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t write anything half decent. I know it’s not because of the (anonymous) scathing comment I’ll inevitably receive. I’ve grown accustomed to them. It’s certainly not because I fear I won’t meet whatever standard ‘bloggers’ are supposed to meet.

Sidebar: Let’s be honest the bar for a successful blog is set remarkably low. Exhibit A: Perez Hilton. A man who has made millions through posting pictures of celebs, doodling on these pictures using ‘Paint’ and has a ‘writing’ style that’s the holy grail of all things awful.

The bottom line is my writing isn’t meeting my standards. Currently it’s mediocre at best. I despise mediocrity and I don’t want to torture you all by positing average content.

I know I could post anything on here. There’s no real incentive to maintain a certain standard or strive for a higher standard. I’m not paid to blog and as far as I know there’s no punishment for posting quantifiably crap content.

Sidebar: Some of the rubbish I see posted on the internet makes me wish there was a Bloggers Tax or some way of restricting people’s internet access. Yes I know it would be totalitarian and restrict the individual’s right to freedom of speech. That’s the whole point. There are too many people who have free speech but enslaved minds. (sorry rant over).

I could go down the polemic root, writing controversial posts to generate hits and deliberately spark futile debates that generate more heat than light. I even contemplated making this blog less labour intensive by writing shorter posts (if you think 1,000 + words is a lot to read, try regularly writing it!). I’ve gone through phases when I’ve concluded I would need to dilute the content. They say sex sells, but not as much as dumb does.

But I can’t bring myself to become everything I’m not in order to make this blogging thing easier. Even though going down an easier route would mean I posted more and would probably give this blog a bigger 'buzz', it would be in direct opposition to everything I believe. And I don’t want to exchange my principles for fleeting popularity.

I’m going to plod on through this rough transition and by the end of it I intend to be able to consistently write posts that I'm proud of. To all of you who have sent me emails, tweets and regularly check if I’ve posted something, I do appreciate you. My absence isn’t a sign that I take any of you for granted. The truth is no one beats themselves up more than I do when I don’t post. I know I’ve fallen well below the 3 posts a week standard I set for myself and I’m still yet to film another video blog. My passion for my blog hasn’t waned; I’m just going through a phase where I want to write more than anything but I’m not happy with what I’m creating.

I’ve been accused by some friends and family members of taking this blog too seriously. Over the past few years I’ve poured so much into it. I’ve gained a lot but at this point it feels like I’ve sacrificed a lot more. It’s impacted my relationships, my ability to gain formal employment and the perception people have of me. And even though close friends and family members have asked me to shut this blog down I’ve kept on going.

And I’m going to keep on going.

Even though to many it doesn’t make sense.

Even though I know a lot of people laugh at me behind my back.

Even though it means some automatically assume I’m arrogant or believe I think I’m intellectually and morally superior.

Even though it's cost me friendships.

Even though many think I’m ‘wasting’ my degree.

And even though keeping this blog has been the biggest endurance test of my life thus far.

I’m going to keep going.

Because even though no one else can see it, I know where this will lead.

So please be patient with me. I thought I’d ridded myself of the perfectionist tendencies I picked up somewhere along the road, but I was mistaken. Hopefully by Monday something will have clicked and the words will pour out as easily as they once did.

Until then,

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

No More Hype

2010-09-01T12:43:00.004+01:00

The chances are you know a few people who perpetually speak about what they’re up to. Every time you connect with them they boast about what they’re about to do and how huge it’s going to be. The next time you run into them you’ll have a variant of the same conversation. Weeks, turn into months and then become years and their hype is yet to translate into anything substantial.

If you don’t know anyone personally take a moment to log onto Twitter or Facebook. I can guarantee you’ll find thousands of people bragging about their ‘hustle’, upcoming ‘huge project’ and how much money they’re going to make. These vapid individuals have glorified the pursuit of affluence and success above all else, yet have little or no concrete achievements to back up their constant hype.

Prematurely hyping about your success is stupidity in motion and people that engage in such behaviour have missed the obvious. Having a brilliant idea is no big deal. Talking about your amazing new idea is even less of a big deal. Most brilliant ideas die in people’s minds or on their lips after being over-talked to death. It’s closing the gap between idea creation and idea execution that matters. People that make things happen don’t spend their time talking about how they’re going to do it or fooling the world with their artificial hype. They just do. Despite this fact, too many people are experts in talking about what they’re going to do.

These individuals are so enamoured with hype and pretending they’re busy, they decide to find things to busy themselves with. In such cases being busy doesn’t necessarily mean being productive or creative. It just means they occupy themselves performing tasks that are inconsequential in order to further delude themselves. And in a society where people type so furiously on their BlackBerry’s they're inflicting premature arthritis upon their thumbs, everyone’s too busy to notice. Consequently a person can engineer their own hype for years without anyone spotting they’re full of crap or calling them out on their folly.

The lines have become so blurred, many confuse their busyness and talking about making things happen, with actually making them happen. Momentum that could be used to fuel a dream is expended talking about the dream. And the tragedy is people with great talent don’t realise that all their talking is distracting them from working.

The gulf between saying you’ll do it and getting it done is a wide as an ocean. Most people spend their time floating on rafts called excuses. However there are a select few who quietly build a boat and concentrate on navigating the waves that seek to set them off course. Part of building that boat (a.k.a ‘working’) involves shutting up and getting things done. Getting things done is boring. It isn’t glamorous or ‘tweet worthy’ and it involves a lot of hard graft, sweat and pain. At times your progress seems so slow you’ll feel like you’re stalling. Except you’re not stalling, you’re simply moving at the pace required to build anything that’s worthwhile.

Sidebar: Nothing worth building is constructed and celebrated overnight. If things come together easily, be wary. It’s probably not going to last.

Getting things done is so mundane you probably won’t want to share it with people, however it’s necessary component of getting anywhere. I know secrecy is underrated and rarely celebrated, but quietly getting things done (as opposed to broadcasting your dream) has many benefits. You get to make your mistakes without an audience. How can you be a failure if no one knew you were even trying?

I’m not knocking ambition, passion or enthusiasm. What I’m knocking is people incessantly speaking about their dreams without a corresponding work ethic. Telling us what you do is useless. Do what you do and it will speak for itself. Quietly and steadily make things happen. Without fanfare or broadcasting it on every social media platform possible. In the words of Nike, Just Do it. Execute. Resist the hype. Be so immersed in your work people forget you exist. There’ll be no need to generate an artificial buzz because if you create something worthwhile it will emit energy so powerful people will have to take note.

Those that broadcast the most often achieve the least and it’s not because they lack talent or skill. It’s because they eventually inhale the highly toxic gas generated by their own hype. So lay low whilst the others keep hyping. By the time they spot you, you’ll be an ‘overnight’ success.

Love & Light

xxx

The Stringent Criteria

2010-08-25T18:36:00.005+01:00

Before I get started with today’s post I’m going to do a shameless plug. A few months ago I did a photo shoot and interview for an online magazine called ‘WWIT’. You can read the full feature here. I’d like to say a big thank you to the editor Dennis Lye and stylist Ivie for putting it together.

Right on to today’s topic!

Whilst Facebook browsing with a good friend, (browsing being an euphemism for stalking), we stumbled on a rather interesting Facebook status. In the status the young lady started off by boldly proclaiming she was through with ‘wastemen’

Sidebar: For those that don’t know a ‘wasteman’ is colloquialism for a man with little prospects and delusions of grandeur. It’s a subjective term that's often used in vain. Recent research has demonstrated that one woman’s wasteman is another woman’s demi-God. (There’s a massive possibility I’m lying about the recent research).

Despite my suspicion I was reading a status that would spark a futile internet debate (one I’d feel compelled to follow until something better cropped up), I kept reading. The young women went on to list the qualities she expects her next boyfriend to possess. In a rather brazen move, (brazen being an euphemism for stupid) she decided to specify the minimum amount she expects her next boyfriend to earn. Initially, the status generated a massive number of likes and comments, as her friends congratulated on her decision to ‘aim higher’.

Fast-forward an hour later, my friend and I are still browsing the internet (seriously we’re browsing now not stalking…) and the status update has sparked an e-conflict of Cold War proportions. A few people had taken personal offence at the salary she listed and validly pointed out how much a man earns has no direct bearing on his character. They also stated suggesting there’s a correlation between high income and character (which she later implied) would be a disservice to the millions of men who don’t earn that much but are great fathers, uncles, brothers, friends etc.

Unfortunately they didn’t quite express their points in this manner. The young lady was called a ‘gold digging bitch’ and the debate quickly descended into an exchange of insults.

Sidebar: Funnily enough I recently had a discussion with my aunt and told her I thought some of her opinions were borderline gold diggerish. Her response? * Nigerian accent * ‘What do you want me to dig for? Copper?’

The sheer tackiness of publicly stating how much you expect a man to earn aside, I had no issue with the traits the young lady listed. They were nothing more than an expression of her personal choice. If tomorrow she decides she wants a man who dresses up as power ranger on the weekends and licks car windows as a hobby, I’d feel worried about the state of her mind, but I'd defend her right to do so.

In all the madness of the debate not one person asked the question that sprung to my mind as soon as I read status…

‘So you’d like all of these traits in a man however…. what do YOU have to offer?’

It’s all well and good sitting around writing down the traits you want your ‘dream man’ to have. All the New Age ‘your love life is crap,let’s make it less crap!’ books recommend it and I do think it’s important to record in writing what you want in life. However here’s something that people miss. We attract what we are. People naturally gravitate towards people who are on the same wavelength as them. Sure they are (slight) differences, but when it comes down to the fundamentals e.g. how we view the world and choose to live our lives, there must be alignment. If you don’t possess any of the traits you desire in your ‘dream’ partner, writing your list is the equivalent of drafting your personal statement for your application to Hogwarts.

Later on in the debate someone coldly pointed out that the young woman didn’t have 50% of the things she wanted in a man. For crying out loud! If you’re going to have a stringent criteria (and publish it publicly) you must.....

a) Already meet this criteria
b) Be actively working on meeting the criteria

If a or b aren’t true, when you meet the person that does meet your stringent criteria, they’d be well within their right to overlook you for not meeting their ‘standards’. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t insist a man drives a Range Rover, if your current method of transportation is a big fat red public limo also known as a bus.

We’re all within our rights to have high standards, but if we fail to match them ourselves, cleaving to them like they’re gospel is hypocritical, arrogant and about as intelligent as Soulja Boy’s lyrics. To all those that disagree…I sincerely hope you enjoy your first term at Hogwarts.

Love & Light

xxx

A Healthy Body or A 'Perfect' Body?

2010-08-20T16:35:00.004+01:00

The awareness that my body was something I should worry about came at age 7. My school had implemented annual health checks on its pupils and one day I was summoned to an office. There I found my mother in tears and a solemn nurse. I don’t remember the exchange between my mother and the nurse, but I remember the nurse pointing to a chart, which indicated I was relatively underweight.

Up until then my parents hadn’t been bothered by the fact I was a naturally thin child. However for a brief period after my parents attempted to get my weight up.

Sidebar: I think it was a pride thing. (African) Parents aren't fans of being summoned to school offices (unless it's to be told their child's the brightest in the class).

I remember feeling outraged that a nurse’s opinion had disrupted our implicit social contract. My parents had once understood I was the child who only ate when she felt hungry. I would much rather devour books than chocolates. Therefore they would buy me books as a treat. Being force fed pounded yam and egusi soup, was not part of our arrangement.

Sidebar: This force- feeding was made all the more traumatic by the fact I wasn't allowed to chew pounded yam. Apparently you're supposed to swallow it. * shudders at the memory *

Although my mother and I now laugh at those days, the experience left an indelible mark on my mind. The worry I absorbed in the nurse’s office caused me to conclude my body was something I should be worried about. I needed to care about my physique because my body was the lens through which the world would view me. Finally, I concluded there must be a ‘perfect’ body that a girl could have and be accepted.

As an adult I’ve realised that my pessimistic conclusions were accurate. Despite the spread of feminist ideals, we live in a society where a woman’s identity is rarely distinguished from her body. In fact a woman’s body is often a tool with which many draw superficial conclusions about her character, attractiveness and sexuality. Flick through fashion magazines and you’ll realise the implicit message is that the ‘perfect’ body is a thin one. With so many successful women (specifically celebrities) being thin, it’s very easy to see why some young girls believe being thin is a prerequisite of success.

The discourse surrounding the ‘perfect’ body is more complicated for young black women. Whilst the mainstream remains enamoured by the ‘size zero’ physique, black women are exposed to a subculture where the expectation is she should be voluptuous. Whilst it’s good there’s a subculture where physiques usually pushed to the periphery are celebrated, the problem is the ‘curvy black woman’ is one-dimensional. Furthermore it fails to reflect the hybrid of physiques (and tastes) that exist within the black community.

A friend of mine recently expressed her joy at the fact the size zero body seemed to be being edged out by the ‘Kim Kardashian’ mould. Personally I think the contradictory ‘perfect’ body messages simply add to the confusion and pressure, rather than create balance. Whatever body type the media celebrates (whether a curvy Kim K or frail Lindsay Lohan), the common denominator is it’s physically flawless. However most women aren’t physically flawless and are unable to attain and maintain the ‘perfect’ body, no matter what it looks like. Despite this, many young women are on a futile quest to attain the ‘perfect’ body, whether it’s via constant dieting, working out excessively or surgical methods.

We’ve internalised so many messages about our bodies, it’s become almost impossible to distil what we want, from what they tell us we should be. Consequently a young woman’s relationship with her body can often be about everyone else but herself. You’d think the fact that women’s magazines are run by woman would help matters. Instead the women who run these magazines seem to be leading the movement that wants all women to hate their bodies. ‘Get Your Bikini Bod’ the headline screams. ‘Dump Your Love Handles’, ‘Duck Tape Your Jelly Belly’ (ok the last one was an exaggeration….). When I pick up a woman’s magazine, I’m more likely to read about how to modify the appearance of my body, not how to maintain (or increase) the health of the body I already have.

Yet funnily enough when it comes down to it, it’s health that really matters.

Sidebar: Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s dealing with a serious health issue whether they still care about cellulite or bit of back fat.

Rather than obsessing over our hip to waist ratio or whether our stomachs are flat enough, or natural ways to get bigger breasteses * hangs head *….our focus should be on what’s going on internally. The real questions we should be asking ourselves are: Am I living and eating in a way that ensures I have the best quality of life possible? and ‘How do change my lifestyle to optmisise the chances of me having a healthy body and long life span?’

Whilst it’s unlikely we’ll be able to take control of a media that insists on putting a disproportionate emphasis on body type, what we can do is take control of our health. Until we do this many of us will remain on a futile journey where we foolishly value aesthetic over our health.

The choice is yours. What do you want, a healthy body? Or a 'perfect' one?

Christiana

xxx

No Constraints

2010-08-17T16:33:00.003+01:00

One day I woke up and realised I had changed. I didn’t notice when the changes were occurring. Change is rarely as dramatic as people make it out to be. Like ageing, it’s a subtle process. It’s happening every day but since we’re not looking out for it, we don’t spot it.

Although the changes were incremental their impact was monumental. I realised that I was going to contradict my (old) self because I no longer believed what I once held as gospel. I began blogging with caution, afraid of making bold statements about my beliefs. I didn’t have a problem with contradicting myself. I had a problem with what people would say when I contradicted myself, knowing that the likelihood was I’d be accused of hypocrisy and inconsistency. I didn’t have the time (or will) to explain to people that what they interpreted as hypocrisy and inconsistency was a sign of evolution.

For a while I plodded on, writing and living in a timid manner, then after discussing my dilemma with a friend she asked….

‘How would you live if you thought no one was paying attention?’

I was unable to articulate how exactly I’d live, but I knew wanted the sense of freedom such a life offered. I decided I'd rather live with freedom and be mocked for who I am, than conform and be embraced for who I’m not. So over the past few months I’ve been on a journey to liberate myself from those intangible constraints I'd allowed to define my life for so long.

Speaking to other people, it became apparent I wasn’t the only one who felt the impact of intangible constraints. The truth is at some point in our lives most of us have allowed what we think people will say or what they’ve actually said, to constrain our actions.

It doesn’t matter if it’s criticism or praise, what others say has the ability to sway our paths in such an insidious manner, we’re often unaware we’re being influenced. The likelihood is after hearing scathing criticism; we’ll feel discouraged, despondent and diffident. Criticism handled badly can become seeds that plant themselves in the back of our minds. If we don’t uproot them, the seeds begin to germinate. Eventually they grow into huge plants with voices of their own. They scream loudest in those moments when we’re contemplating taking a leap and making a change in our lives. In turn of us many of us give up before we've started. We convince ourselves ‘the time isn’t right’, ‘we’re not ready’ or even worse ‘I’m not good enough’. Forgetting history is littered with individuals who rose to greatness despite people telling them otherwise.

On the other hand if we’re constantly told how are amazing we are, human nature dictates we’ll start to believe our own hype.

Sidebar: The exceptions to the rule are those surrounded by people who temper the sycophants and actively seek to remain humble.

We become complacent and no longer seek to push the frontiers of our ability. Initially our growth slows, then it plateaus and eventually it diminishes.

The more I thought about how what others says has the ability to dictate our path, the more I began to question my decisions. Was I doing things because of what people said to me? Was I deliberately living in a way that pre-empted the criticism that came with standing out? Or were my actions truly authentic to who I was?Upon the discovery that too much of my life was being dictated by people that didn’t matter, I decide to rebel by becoming indifferent. Whether I heard scathing criticism or praise, I chose not to care.

Although this route immunised me against getting hurt, it had its downsides. I realised I needed to find a balance between living life the way I wanted to, not caring too much about what people think and being open to words that could change me for the better.

Eventually I found a method. It’s not perfect, but since this is the most balanced I’ve felt in years (I think the jogging and meditating helps!), I thought I’d share the steps on here.

3 Steps to Destroying Intangible Constraints

1) Figure out what matters to you and pursuit it

Want to learn how not to swayed by others? Find your purpose and run after it.

Growing up my dad told me the things that are long lasting, beneficial and able to survive after you’re gone, are those driven by a purpose. The problem was I didn’t understand what purpose was. It was such a grand and almost esoteric term, for years I didn’t bother trying to figure out what mine was. Eventually I came to define purpose for myself. I found the areas in which I wanted to achieve were the things I was passionate about. I found my ‘purpose’ in my passion and in turn my passion energised my purpose. Figuring out what you want and pursuing that wholeheartedly, gives life such meaning it drowns out all other distractions.

Sidebar: If you’ve already found what matters to you and/or your purpose, cherish and cultivate it.

2) Block out the noise

A while back I wrote a post about our mind’s being our greatest asset. See Here.The emphasis in that post was placed on us investing in our minds. However I missed the fact our investment needs to be protected.

We have to be careful what we allow to ‘live’ in our minds. Most people live a life ruled by fear and are resistant to change. As a result of this they project their fears and limits on others. Unless we learn how to guard our minds against the negativity energy, we’ll always be at risk of falling off track. Learn to block out the noise and stay focused on your task. And if you haven’t found a ‘task’ expend your energy finding one, which is healthier than meditating on negative words.

3) Decide whose opinion you value

Some of us have an intuitive ‘hierarchy’ of opinions. We already know whose words we hold in esteem and whose we take with a pinch of salt. However sometimes we forget ourselves and pay attention to the sycophants and ignore the warnings of those who love us. (Or we may amplify the curses of those who don’t know us and ignore the reassurance of those who truly care).

The bottom line is we must decide whose opinions we value and take the time to remind us ourselves. Since we’re giving these people the authority to speak into our lives, we must be careful who we give authority to. The swiftness with which old friends can become new enemies is one of life’s tragedies. However if we pick the right people, living life with intangible constraints could soon be a distant memory.

Christiana

xxx

5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back

2010-08-12T13:15:00.009+01:00

Growing up I used to watch with awe when the women in my family debated. I marveled at their intelligence, sense of humour and ability to passionately articulate their opinions. They had a habit of debating so intensely they’d forget I was in the room. I was a precocious child so eventually I would reveal my presence by offering my view. Immediately I would be shooed out the room. Dejected, I’d sigh inwardly, knowing a loud sigh would mean being shot dirty looks. The most frightening look would be the one from my mum, which was code for ‘I’m going to deal with you when our guests go home, but if you do anything else I will twist your ears in public’.

Things are different now. I’ve crossed the invisible border, to a land where my mum no longer twists my ears and topics the matriarchs used to shield me from are now discussed in my presence.

Yesterday evening, while sitting around the dining room table with my mum, aunt and sisters, the shift in family dynamic was all the more apparent. Initially we were discussing benign topics. Suddenly we landed on a contentious topic (ironic considering the post I wrote a few days ago).

‘If a man says he’s changed, should a woman take him back?’

My mum and aunt belong to the school of redemption. They believe that if a man demonstrates that he’s attempting to change, it’s worth a woman considering giving it a shot. Especially if there are children involved.

In the words of my mother….

“The day I write off another human being, I've written off myself. Redemption is always possible. People are too easy to give up on each other nowadays. You can’t just give up at the first hurdle. Everyone deserves a second chance’"

I agreed with elements of my mum and aunt’s logic ,although I think the fact that they're mothers means they think differently from me. Mothers have the capacity to sacrifice their happiness if they think it will help their children. At present I'm far too single (and selfish) to truly empathise with this approach to life.

My main objection to their approach lies with the fact that when we discuss this matter, the sinister subtext is it is a woman's duty (rather than her right) to grant a man second chance . Apparently a woman ‘owes’ it to herself to try and make even the most toxic of relationships work. This perverse idea is a legacy of the fact that prior to the advancement of feminism, women were made to be subservient. Decades later, western women are fully emancipated yet due to external pressures, they persist in being in relationships where they're made to feel devalued.

During yesterday's debate I was pretty much overruled by the weight of wisdom and experience in the room. I'd spent the day binge eating with my goddaughter and my body was so laden with carbs I could barely think clearly. Today’s blog post is inspired by yesterday’s debate and is my attempt to make up for my poor performance.

Ideally the post would be called '5 reasons why you should take him back' unfortunately our world is far from ideal. Considering the number of women who are in toxic relationships (or have friends or family in such a situation) I think it would be borderline irresponsible to write such a post.

Someone recently commented on my Facebook status claiming my blogs are 'anti-male and anti-relationships'. I didn't dial into the debate because I knew it would generate more heat than light. So I'm aware writing this post makes me vulnerable to accusations of being anti-men.Even though my hearbeat (love you dad!) is a man and posts like this demonstrate that isn't the case, I'd just like to emphasise this post isn't an attack against men in general. This post is simply written with the hope that a woman who's settling will grasp the fact she has options and consider taking a different path.

5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back

1) You have One life

Before we make any crucial decision in life I think we must acknowledge two things we often forgot. Firstly, all of this * points around head * is temporary. Nothing is eternal and it’ll all be over before we know it. Secondly, we get one chance to experience life.Unless you succumb to fear, remembering those two things should propel you towards making the better decision.

We might as well attempt to live in the way we dreamed we could. It's better than wasting days frantically worrying and nights sleeping on pillows soaked in tears. You deserve to live the best version of your life possible. Do you really want to spend your precious time with someone that doesn’t value you?

2) You’re Worth More

The chances are you've probably read some variant of 'You're worth more' message somewhere else. You've heard it so many times you dismiss it as a banal cliche. Which is unsurprising, the amount of New-Age psychobabble women are bombarded with I do think cynicism is the intelligent reaction. However, just because a phrase is ubiquitous doesn't mean it's false. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ‘pretty’, ‘skinny’ or ‘popular’ enough. You’re worth more. Breakaway and allow yourself to find someone that agrees.

3) There's no incentive for him to change as long as you stay

If you really believe he has a good core (despite his actions demonstrating otherwise) I will trust your judgment and respect your right to be tormented. Threatening to leave will change nothing. Contrarily, stubbornly refusing to take him back is more likely to create the conditions for improvement.

4) Single and lonely > Depressed with a companion

It’s better for a woman walk alone and deal with random pangs of loneliness, than have a man and live with constant depression.

5) You Can't Change Him

If you're considering taking a man back because you believe you can change him, I’m going to be the bearer of bad news. You cannot change him. No human has the power to make someone else change. On a good day we may be able to catalyse change,but none of us can cause it. Genuine, long lasting change begins within a person and spills outwards. Not the other way round.

Christiana

xxx

Is it cheating if you're on a 'break'?

2010-08-09T12:53:00.006+01:00

“Hi Christiana, My boyfriend cheated on me whilst we were on a break. I found out through a mutual friend of ours and when I confronted him he admitted everything. Now we both really want to get back together but I can’t forgive him for betraying me the way he did. He says because we were on break he doesn’t think it was cheating. I feel like he did because I don’t think the point of a break is to see other people. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?’

Initially when I read this email I delayed responding because I was afraid of giving the wrong advice. The politics of cheating is a rather delicate issue and diplomacy isn't my strongest point. Also my mum recently said..

‘There are crazy people out there be careful someone doesn’t sue after reading (bad) advice on your blob’

(Yes she still calls my blog a blob.)

Although my mother’s words echo in my mind every time I write (thanks mum!), I'm reassured by the words of Erica Jong

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t’

A quote I’ve personalised into….

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know what we’re going to do, but we pretend we’re open to suggestion’

Therefore I’m taking comfort in the fact that being sued is unlikely because my advice will probably be discarded.

DISCLAIMER: My ‘estate’ comprises of clothes, a few bags of emergency weave stashed in a secret place and shoes my mum thinks are only fit for low-grade prostitutes. Unless you’re a size 8, in desperate need of yaki and contemplating moonlighting as a hooker, suing me won’t bring dividends.

Do you think he was cheating?

A while go my friend and I had the ‘what is cheating?’ debate. My friend was lamenting the fact he was dating a girl who deemed ‘intense flirting and inappropriate text messages’ as cheating, as it indicated ‘the intention to cheat, which is just as bad as the deed in itself’. As extreme as her logic is, it demonstrates that the cheating line is arbitrary and relative to the individuals involved.

Since we were bored and borderline inebriated we decided to come up with a one-size-fits-all definition of what cheating is

“‘If you wouldn’t do or say it in the other person's presence, it's probably cheating or will lead to cheating”

If I crudely applied our definition to this scenario, it could be argued the guy cheated. He had violated his ‘girlfriend’s’ trust, knowing that if she were in the vicinity he wouldn’t have proceeded with his actions. If I were being brutal, I’d tell her to move on. After all there are billions of single men in the world, a significant number of them willing and able to remain celibate during ‘breaks’. Except nothing in life is that black and white, and it’s by examining the shades of grey we become enlightened.

The Grey Area

This issue isn’t her boyfriend’s decision to ‘cheat’; the real issue can be traced back to their mutual decision to go on a break. I despise breaks. Instead of having the guts to decide whether to stick at it or split, we decide to wallow in indecisiveness using a ‘break’ as a shield. In short breaks are simply a method of deferring the inevitable.

The problem is, during the deferral period no one quite knows how they’re supposed to behave. Do you act like a couple who communicate less? Or do you act like you're single? Or is a break a chance to be single when you feel like it? Due to all of these unnecessary questions I only advocate breaks if people agree to sign a binding contract outlining the terms and conditions. If the contract is violated both parties will face severe ramifications. Wait…I think they've got a name for those kinds of contracts, yes that would be marriage!

Many reading this will argue breaks can be beneficial. They may even claim a break made their relationship stronger. However the chances are you're still together in spite of the break, not because of it. Those who believe ‘breaks’ change things are a bit like the thousands of misguided educators who think suspension, detention and expulsion can reform students. They don’t. In fact they often exacerbate the underlying issues. And scenarios such as the one we’re discussing illustrate that the costs of a break going wrong far outweigh the benefits of a break going right.

Since they were on a break, technically he wasn’t cheating. However what’s technically the case is irrelevant when a woman feels hurt and betrayed. The question ‘was he cheating?’ is redundant as the damage has already been done. The real question is the one she needs to ask herself: ‘Do I think I’ll be able to get over this incident?’.

What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?

Despite my reservations with breaks one of their benefits is that they’re a chance explore yourself and find out what you really need. It’s basically like being single but you have an insurance plan if you decide to change your mind. Since you’re on a break you might as well stay on a break. It would be quixotic to think if you got back together now it could work out.

My motto is 'when in doubt wait'. Immediate action after a crisis is overrated. Take time to discover if he matches your needs and if you’re the best woman for him. Furthermore if you eventually take him back, make sure you have the capacity to trust him wholly. It wouldn’t be fair to take him back yet persist in holding on to the past.

I’ve said how I feel, now I'd love to hear your views. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think she should do? Should she take him back? Let me know!

Christiana

xxx

When Quitting Is The Better Option

2010-08-06T12:45:00.006+01:00

I never understood those who lived their lives plagued by worrisome thoughts. I concluded they didn’t have anything better to do with their time. Why would anyone willingly feed their irrational fears with negative visions that are unlikely to come to pass? Yet in the past few months I've finally come to understand how worry can strangle your existence.

You see my car accident turned me into a worrier. The incident showed me that being a ‘good person’ doesn’t protect against the caprice of the universe. I began to worry about what was around the corner. I didn’t worry about my injuries regressing or whether I would ever recover. Instead I worried about my family and all those I loved. What if they were in a plane crash? Or worse another car accident? What if someone I loved got cancer? Or malaria? (pretty impossible when we live in London!). And on those really bleak days I found myself crying about things that hadn’t even occurred.

The most humbling aspect of my journey to overcome worry, is finally grasping that many people carry burdens in silence. These burdens, commonly known as ‘issues’, hang around our necks, weighing us down. They affect every aspect of our life, yet we’ve become so skilled in concealing them, they’re invisible to the world. Their invisibility means on the good days we fool ourselves into believing they’re no longer there. But they are.

On the surface we seem happy. "How are you?" they ask. "Great!" we answer. When in fact we're far from great. We’ve simply buried and bottled things that need to be dealt with and released. We’re being handicapped by things we don’t have the courage to share with anyone. So we limp through life perpetually misunderstood. Some of us have been called a ‘bitch’, ‘prick’, ‘asshole’, ‘idiot’, labels the world places on people whose spirits are poisoned by the puss that festers within invisible wounds.

If we live with an issue long enough, eventually we begin to suffer from a type of Stockholm Syndrome. In a tragic irony, our worst enemy becomes our best friend and the issue that enslaves us becomes the thing keeping us alive. We conclude the constant shadow of negativity over our existence proves at least there’s still light. Sadly, the ‘light’ is rarely alluring enough for us to breakaway from our current state.

Imagine…Just for a moment…. You decided to Quit holding on to the issues that make you less than you really are. Imaging you let it all go. The baggage, diffidence, eating disorder, boyfriend that treats you like crap, daddy issues, addiction, anger, self-hatred, insecurity, malice, resentment, deep dark secrets of childhood abuse, worry….. whatever it is. What if one day we all just Quit.

I’m aware quitting is contrary to everything we’re fed in a society obsessed with success. Many of us have made "Never Quit" and “Don’t Give Up’ our mantras. We courageously finish every expedition we embark on because quitting is the mark of weakness. However, has it ever crossed your mind that quitting is a sign of great strength? It takes a certain boldness to decide that the path you're walking down isn’t working, so you turn around, not caring what others say or think of you.

When we eventually turn around, we discover that most people don't care that much about what we do. Sure a few will gossip for a while, but for the most part whether we choose to live mediocre lives or great ones, people are too self-obsessed to notice. That’s why I think we should Quit living with our issues. However big or small, whatever it is, let it go. If you're scared of what people will think, don't worry. They don't care that much!

In a moment we can resolve to take the crucial first step. Quit. Let it go.

Deciding to ‘Quit’ isn’t an end in itself; it’s simply a means to an end. And the end is a place where we’re free from the things that used to bind us. Yet if we don’t take that powerful first step defeating our demons is all but a distant dream.

If/when you decide to quit, confide in someone who loves you about what you’ve been carrying and how you’ve decided to abandon it. Accountability is key in the journey to overcome our issues. When we're accountable to no one, the temptation to return to our old domicile is often impossible to fight. So tell someone who cares.

There is another option, a safer route. We can decide to stay where we’ve always been and let our issues suffocate us, leaving us with just enough air to survive. Until we exist in a space where we’re alive but not truly living, surviving, rather than thriving.

The choice is ours.

We can remain where we are or take the steps towards being where we should be. Which will you choose?

Christiana

xxx

Are expensive dates worth it?

2010-08-03T17:45:00.006+01:00

A while back I agreed to go on a date. Considering my first interaction with the young man convinced me he posed a threat to society, it wasn’t the wisest decision to agree. However when I agreed I gave a non-binding ‘yes of course we’ll do dinner sometime….’ reply. Despite my vague response a few days later I received a text with the address of a restaurant and the date/time of a dinner reservation. I thought it was a slightly abrasive approach to dating but our mutual friend assured me that he was being ‘assertive’.

In spite of my reservations I decided it would be dishonourable to cancel the date due to ‘period pains’.

Sidebar: Period pains were the easiest way of getting out of P.E in Secondary School. 10 years later and I still use the same excuse to avoid doing things I don’t want to do. What that says about me….I don’t know.

I’d recently purchased an oversized blazer with pockets big enough to conceal a rape alarm and penknife (I’m joking about the penknife part…)(I lied that I was joking). So I concluded that as I’d be well dressed and semi-armed there was no real harm in showing up.

Just before I left my house I decided to Google the restaurant. My mouth dropped when I saw the prices.

Sidebar: According to my ‘stiletto price index’ (I peg everything against the price of shoes) the meal could pay for a few pairs of sexy shoes.

I’ve never been a fan of expensive restaurants. In light of the fact we excrete everything we consume, the food never seems to taste good enough justify the exorbitant price. I think it’s the prestige attached to dining in such establishments that attract its clientele, rather than the quality of the food itself. However I wasn’t paying, so I wasn’t complaining.

The evening started well but as soon as the food arrived the date proceeded to go downhill. I’ve never been a big fan of food and have always eaten for survival rather than enjoyment (No Anorexia). What’s even more problematic is the fact my spirit is liberal but my palate is prejudiced.

Sidebar: This prejudice extends to food from my own culture, I’m not a fan of English/Nigerian cuisine * ducks from virtual bullets *

I tried to eat up and failed. I then proceeded to shove food around my plate to make it seem like I’d eaten.Unsurprisingly, bar a text to find out if I got home ok, after that evening I never heard from the young man again.

Fast forward a few months later and I ran into our mutual friend. He asked me why I thought things had dwindled after one date. I stated I suspected his friend had incorrectly concluded I was bitch with an eating disorder and was (understandably) annoyed that I’d wasted his money. I was wrong.

It seems the main source of his annoyance was the fact I didn’t seem impressed by the restaurant. Now I vividly recall saying and texting ‘thank you for a lovely evening’, because I appreciated the effort he'd made. However I refuse to give a man points just because a restaurant is expensive. My parents taught me to receive every gift with an equal amount of gratitude, irrespective of its price. That idea has been transplanted into my dating philosophy. I don’t get hung up on the price of the date or the prestige of my surroundings; wherever I end up I’m just grateful for the effort and sacrifice made.

The problem is, the young man has bought into the myth that all women are so materialistic spending a lot of money on a date is enough to ensure a date turns out well. When in actual fact there’s little or no correlation between the price of the date and the quality/outcome of the evening. There’s a great pressure placed on men to spend a lot on dates (some bankrupting themselves in the process), however just because it costs a lot, doesn’t mean it’s going to be valuable. Ironically the elements that make dates enjoyable are free. Elements such as being able to conduct a stimulating conversation, being attentive, responsive, engaging, entertaining, witty, funny, none of which can be bought or faked.

When I expressed my stance on this topic to a friend she said......

‘Well I think if you blog about this you’re sending out the wrong message. Women are worth and deserve the best, that includes the luxury of expensive dates.”.

I was bewildered by her response. When did the worth of a woman become contingent on how much is spent on her? Does that mean if a man takes me to Nando's he thinks I’m worth less, and by accepting his offer I automatically become less? I think the ‘I deserve expensive dates because I’m worth it’ idea reinforces the perverse logic that a woman’s worth can be quantified. And the day a woman uses how much a man spends on her as the yardstick with which she measures her self-worth, she’s no longer worth much because she’s devalued herself.

My opinion is that men (or women) shouldn’t spend an excessive amount on dates because the factors that really matter are free. However it doesn't matter what I think because many will continue to bankrupt themselves unnecessarily.

Considering the nature of this post it’ll probably come as no surprise that one of the best dates I’ve ever been on cost absolutely nothing. Then again that doesn't lend further credence to my theory as it could have been a complete fluke. So what's your view? Are expensive dates worth it? Should a woman be impressed by a man who spends more? Or is it all dependent on the people involved? As ever please weigh in!

Christiana

xxx

An Army of Friends

2010-07-30T15:50:00.009+01:00

I’ve started to see life as a battle. I developed this rather hobbesian view of life when I began to encounter issues. Not the melodramatic self-inflicted issues I thrived off in my teenage years, I’m speaking about real issues. These issues changed my outlook.I finally realised life is not easy and people rarely thrive by accident. Though some are the beneficiaries of nepotism or what the world labels as "luck" (which is often years of unseen hard work intersecting with an opportunity), most successful people have had to fight.

The fact is if you want to win in life you have to fight. ‘Fighting’ involves investing in our characters so we develop virtues like discipline, tenacity, humility etc, which in turn maximise our chance of winning. However we cannot possibly win the fight alone. We’ve got to have an army.

In theory our army should comprise of our friends and family. We can't pick our family, but we can pick our friends. The funny thing is, though we choose our friends we often do an awful job. Many of us have unwittingly surrounded ourselves with people who could cause our downfall. We don’t view our friends as an army, so we fail to regularly inspect them. Consequently in our times of need we find ourselves drawing from poor resources.

Sidebar: I’ve previously spoken about methods of ascertaining who are friends are. See –‘The Friendship Detox’

Whilst discussing the concept of ‘an army of friends' with a friend of mine, he asked a thought provoking question......

'If we could create the ideal character profiles of the friends we need in our army and those we need to cut, what would they be?’

After his question we spent the next half hour or so bouncing ideas off each other. We came up with so many ideas we concluded it was a blog post worthy topic. Here it goes.....

An Army Of Friends

The friends we need to keep.

1) The Ride or Die
They may not be very popular or particularly interesting, however they’re loyal and have a pure heart. This type of loyalty cannot be bought and should be treasured. Very few friends are ‘Ride or Die’; in fact if you find two, I’d say you’re incredibly fortunate.

2) The Truth Teller
We all need a friend who is brutally honest with us. Those bold enough to speak the truth, when others pacify us with what we want to hear, rather than what we need to hear.

3) The Left Brain
You need a strategist. Someone with enough intellect to weigh up the options and offer the best rational solution to the problems we encounter.

4) The Right Brain
Life is meaningless without creatives (I’m biased). You need a creative friend who is full of ideas. Whilst your left-brain friend instructs you on how to execute your idea, your right-brain friend infuses your ideas with that extra bit of greatness.

5) The Enthusiast
We all need someone that’s always excited about we you do. They balance the left-brain friend (who tends to border on cynical) and give us the necessary push when we want to give up.

6) The Carer
Caring friends are often kind to a fault. Their nature means they place the needs of others before their own. Most become friends with carers because they’ll be there for them in their time of need. My stance is quite different. I think it’s our duty to be friends with carers so we can be the person to take care of them.

7) The Spiritual Guru
Whatever we chose to believe (or disbelieve) in, we need a friend that shares our faith/life philosophy. Such friends are there to reinforce our values and warn us when we begin to stray.

The Friends we need to cut.

(When I use the word cut I don’t mean to eradicate person from your life.I advocate creating a healthy distance)

1) The Doubter
Whenever you vocalise a dream, they offer up a litany of reasons of why it won't work. Many of us don’t realise the power of the words we speak and the words others speak into our lives. For that reason the doubter should be kept at bay.

2) The Volcano
They have a notoriously violent temper and the capacity to be extremely poisonous with their words. Thus far you’ve only seen them blow up around other people, however one day they will erupt all over you.

3) The Shadow
You cut your hair. They cut their hair. You buy a car. They buy a car. They always seem to ‘coincidentally’ do things you planned to do months before.

Sidebar: My aunt has a theory that female ‘shadow friends’ grow up to be ‘husband thieves’.

I think anyone that needs to model their personality on another person isn’t worth knowing. Give them space to find themselves (or become someone else).

4) The User
They only call you when they need something and aren’t inclined to change because everyone enables their behaviour.

5) The Liability
They're so prone to ignorant/scandalous behaviour, they're beginning to put your repuatation in jeopardy.

6) The Gossip
If she tells you her friend’s business, she’s telling her friends your business. Don’t ever believe a gossip likes you too much to spread your business. Professional gossips don’t adhere to ethical codes.

7) The Absent Kid
Remember that kid in school who was constantly absent, but always seemed to turn up when something fun was happening, like sports or mufti day? Many of us have friends who behave in a similar manner. Those that disappear from our lives when we need them most. They shift us up and down their priorities yet expect to be treated like demigod's.

8) The Backhanded Compliment Expert

‘Well done on getting your degree after so many retakes! ’

‘Who would have thought a woman like YOU could find such a good man’

‘Nice car! Finished paying it off yet?’

Despite being a ‘friend’ they persist in complimenting us in a way that exposes our flaws and makes us feel insecure. Their comments have always irked you, but you’ve been afraid to openly express your annoyance for fear of being labeled paranoid.

9) The Ruthless Opportunist
Ambition is one thing, but being ruthlessly ambitious is another. Anyone who's so driven, they’ll drive over others on their path to success, should be avoided.

-----------------

There it is! Types of people I think should be cut from the army and those I think we should keep. The list is in no way exhaustive and I’m sure you can identify more types of people we could keep or cut. What types of people have I missed? Is there a type you don’t think belongs on either list? What do we do when we have a friend with overlap e.g. they’re loyal but a liability? As ever your input’s appreciated!

Christiana

xxx

Fashion Spotlight: Boxing Kitten

2010-07-27T13:12:00.015+01:00

African celebrations are no ordinary affair. They're elaborate occasions overflowing with food, drink and people.Though the celebrations will vary in size and degrees of opulence, there's a common strand running through all of them. Whatever the occasion, whether it's a wedding, christening,or some 'uncle' being bestowed with a chieftaincy title for an arbitrary reason, the entire family will wear matching attire.

As a child who wanted every opportunity to express her 'uniqueness', I attempted to rebel against this tradition. I was informed I couldn't because the whole family wearing the same fabric was an outward sign of our common identity and sense of unity. I've come to realise as beautiful as that sentiment was, it's nothing more than a romantic interpretation of a simple fact. Africans love to dress up!

As I grew up and developed a greater appreciation of my culture, wearing African fabric wasn't something I was forced to do, it was something I wanted to do. However I struggled to find contemporary African designs that suited my tastes and until recently the concept of trendy ready-to-wear African influenced clothing, was a distant dream.As such, when I stumbled across a picture of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas wearing an ankara playsuit, I immediately began to investigate. I discovered it was from a label called 'Boxing Kitten'.

Created by Maya Lake, 'Boxing Kitten' is a ready to wear line that blends traditional African prints with edgy designs. In many ways 'Boxing Kitten' has become one of the leading brands in a niche that I do believe will go mainstream. By catering to the offspring of African migrants living in the diaspora, it fills a much needed gap in the market. However by sheer consequence of its mainstream appeal, it is for any woman who loves beautiful clothes made with vibrant fabrics.

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Maya and here's what she had to say.

Designer Maya Lake

Hi Maya, firstly thank you for taking the time to speak to us here at Christiana Rants. What motivated you to create Boxing Kitten?

I can't say that any one moment motivated me to create the label. It felt like a natural progression for me to start something of my own that I could share with everyone else. Creating art, and feeling inspired I guess is what keeps me motivated.

There's a definite African influence within the Boxing Kitten aesthetic, in particular the use of Ankara. What was the reason behind this?

The Textiles that are used in the collection are so vibrant, unique, beautiful, and inspiring. Initially I wanted to create an representation of what two different women, from two different generations, and movements would look like if they came together. Women involved in the Black Power movement often wore, Ankara, Khangas and Kente along with other African textiles. That's why I initially chose to use the fabric.

Boxing Kitten has been worn by celebrities such as Beyonce and Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, were you surprised by how quickly it's all taken off?

I am so grateful and equally amazed by the amount of support and love the line has garnered. Its very rewarding and humbling to see the way people respond to the clothes.

Alicia Keys & Beyonce wearing Boxing Kitten on the set for 'Put it in a love song'

Fergie wearing a Boxing Kitten 'Eartha Short'

Many of my readers are making the transition between young adulthood to building a solid career. As a young entrepreneur what advice would you give to them?

Keep moving forward. No matter what. It's easy to get stuck, feeling stagnated is never helpful for creativity. Find something that can keep you motivated and just keep moving.

Your resume is quite unique for a designer as your degree is actually in African American studies rather than a fashion related subject. Has being self taught worked to your advantage or disadvantage?

Being a self taught designer is very empowering for me. I respect people who know exactly what they want to do, and can go to school to study their craft or subject of interest. But that wasn't exactly my path. I can't say if it has served me or held me back, but I do think it makes my perspective unique.

Are there any plans to bring the latest Boxing Kitten collection to the UK?

Yes. I don't want to reveal too much, but it would be amazing to be carried internationally.

What's the inspiration behind the current collection?

The current Resort 2010 collection is specifically inspired by Josephine Baker. All the pieces are named after her movie roles, and female lovers, the most notable being Frida Kahlo; hence the Frida Jumpsuit. Her burlesque performances, sense of humor, and the way she challenged people to view sexuality all inspired the collection. This collection has a very bedroom vibe with all of the bustier elements, and it also plays with some masculine elements.

Finally, what do you see in the future for Boxing Kitten?

The future is to expand internationally and hopefully more collaborations with other artists. I also just look forward to evolving and growing the awareness of the line.

To see more & order apparel visit www.boxingkitten.com . For instant updates follow Boxing Kitten's Twitter account @BoxingKitten

Thanks to the lovely team at Boxing Kitten I have a skirt from the latest collection to give away.

Yes that fabulous skirt in the picture! It's so gorgeous my friends have been offering me very tempting bribes in exchange for it. Due to how much I love you all I've thus far managed to maintain my integrity.

Sidebar: The size being given away is a medium in order to cater to as many people as possible. The competition is open to UK residents only.

To enter, follow me on Google connect, Twitter , Blog Lovin or become a Youtube subscriber (click any of the related icons on this page and it'll direct you straight to the relevant site). If you’re none of these, do take the time to become one! Leave a comment on this post and crucially your email. The winner will be chosen at random and I’ll announce the winner in next week Friday's blog!

Christiana

xxx

300

2010-07-26T17:24:00.003+01:00

I remember the exact moment my cousin dared me to start a blog. We were sitting around the dining table and I was passionately speaking about a topic no one else seemed to care about. Though my family are accustomed to hearing my views, it doesn’t mean they like hearing them. Therefore when my cousin suggested I write my views down for public consumption, he didn’t want me to tap into an undiscovered gift. It had more to with him searching for something to keep my mouth occupied.

However I don’t think either of us thought two years later this blog would still be keeping my mouth (kinda) occupied. If you’d told me back then that I’d be still be writing now, I wouldn’t have believed you. Simply because:

a) I tend to start things off with great enthusiasm then quit.

b) I knew I had a lot to say but I didn’t think I had this much to say.

c) I thought blogging was for sad people (ironically I’ve joined the ‘sad’ contingent I once mocked).

Yet much to my surprise I’ve managed to clutter the blogsphere with 300 posts.

Initially the blog lacked focus and direction because I didn’t think anyone was reading. I didn’t think anyone would read because I didn’t think I could write. One parents evening my A-level English teacher told my father I was ‘an average student, with sloppy syntax,who lacks the ability to communicate with clarity’. I remember crying in the car on the way home. Not because she’d informed me in a polite yet condescending manner that I couldn’t write. I cried because she predicted me a ‘C’ and I was at an all girls grammar school where ‘C’ was the official banner of mediocrity.

Sidebar: I suspect the examiner who marked my exam paper was quite familiar with hieroglyphics. He/she managed to decode my atrocious handwriting and I miraculously got an A : )

That experience means I’ve never written this blog as a ‘writer’ or someone who has confidence in her ability. The self-assuredness people presume I have is nothing more than a mixture of fearlessness and the knowledge I have nothing to lose. Irrespective of what people think (or tell me) I still don’t think I can write. This is a space where I’m learning how to write and you’re all kind enough to entertain my test runs!

Prior to my car accident I had decided that my 300th blog post would be my last. Due to a variety of reasons, this blog had become a burden rather than a source of release. Yet in the dark time after my accident, I couldn’t wait to get back to blogging. Suddenly the prospect of writing thrice a week became cathartic. It’s a shame it took an accident to rejuvenate me but if that’s the one good thing to come out of such a disaster, then so be it.

A few of you have been reading since my first post (which was a rant if there ever was one) and many of you have come on board recently. I also get a lot of emails/Facebook messages telling me to keep writing and I often receive them when I feel like doing the opposite. Thank you all!

I’d especially like to thank my little sister Odo/Joy/Joi/whatever the heck you call yourself this week, without whom there’d be no blog. She’s like a ghostwriter who doesn’t write. Love you sweetheart!

In terms of this blog and the future there’s a lot more to come. I’m just getting started. Everyday I seek to improve myself. Whether it’s as a daughter, sister, friend, human being or a ‘change agent’. Hopefully my longing to improve will become evident in my writing. Thank you for joining me on my journey thus far and I look forward to spending the next 300 posts with you.

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

P.S I’m going to get in trouble for missing someone out but I’d like to thank the following people who have said or done something that's stuck in my mind and kept me blogging. Tobi, Hamida, Kelechi, Akachi, Nii, Gavin, Alani, Wale, Wende, Yvonne,Ben,Vanessa, Ibrahim, Sayo, Femi, Aunty Pru, Rolake, Sumz, Mayne, Timz, Karen and Rachael (Odo’s friend). Love to all of you!

The Hater Myth

2010-07-23T08:58:00.002+01:00

Hi!

It's been a few weeks since I've done a video blog so I thought I'd get my act together and post one. Today's vlog is the shortest I've done thus far. Though I wouldn't let that put you off. Length is rarely indicative of quality. My new motto is 'Say the Maximum amount with the Fewest words'.

Sidebar: My motto was inspired by George Orwell's essay 'Politics and the English Language'. If you have some spare time I do implore you to read it, especially if you're a writer. I can't remember the last time I read an essay that challenged and impacted me in such a manner.

As usual I'll refrain from expanding on the video blog and let you all make up your own minds. I'd love it if you could....

1) Share
2) Comment
3) Subscribe!!!

The chain I'm wearing in the video is from 'Miss Selfridge' and the earrings are vintage. The earrings hurt so much every time I take them off I'm afraid I've lost a bit of earlobe. The world would be a better place if wearing vintage shoes and jewelry didn't make you feel like you were undergoing an amputation. On Sunday I walked from the train station to my house barefoot because my toes could no longer take the abuse. I digress.

This week I'm the 'Fly Girl of The Week' over at Fly Blog! Click here. I'm really chuffed because it's one of my favourite blogs and in the past they've featured some incredible women.

On Monday I'll publish my 300th blog post!

Sidebar: My posts are an average of 1,000 words each. Excluding the posts that never made it, it means I've posted over 300,000 words. For those of you who've read Malcolm Gladwell's 'Outliers' you'll understand when I say I'm determined to get my '10,000 hours' : ) For those who haven't read it....Read it!

As it stands I'm at 2 years and 299 posts. I know I wouldn't have got past post 30 if it wasn't for all your support. To all those who've hopped on this roller coaster recently, welcome and thank you ! I appreciate all your comments, emails, tweets and Facebook messages. Also I rarely shout out those who read regularly but would rather not comment, thanks for reading I really appreciate it! I cannot thank you all enough because without you there wouldn't be a blog. Thanks again and stay with me : )

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and I'll be back on Monday for my 300th post!

Christiana

xxx

These are our Confessions.....

2010-07-20T20:52:00.006+01:00

Of late I’ve developed the strange habit of praying to God on Twitter. It’s my way of verifying if he frequents social networking sites. Apparently he does and I have firm(ish) empirical proof.

Last week after I e-prayed for Bilal tickets and an iPad, a good friend of mine (love ya Karen!) got us complimentary tickets.

Sidebar: No iPad yet, team Apple if you’re reading I’m open for donations.

As a result of last week’s success, today I decided to send up another e-prayer for tickets.

Sidebar: You may be wondering why I don’t just pay for tickets. Unfortunately my friends in the music industry have spoilt me. The frequency with which I end up on guest list has turned me into a cheapskate. Furthermore free gigs always sound better.

After asking God for Damian Marley and Nas tickets, I figured I would need to confess to something in order to increase the flow of positive energy coming towards me. I tweeted the following….

“I once went to see N.E.R.D VIP @ Brixton Academy. The name I gave @ stage door was "Aleesha Dixon". Lovely old man had no idea. #ForgiveMeFather”

In hindsight, it’s not the wisest thing to publicly confess that you’re prone to committing (celebrity) identity theft. However I’m having a not-so-wise day (not that I’m ever wise). Hence why today’s blog will probably be one of those rants I’ll regret in the morning.

Confessions of a woman on behalf of (similar) women

1) We really don’t care about your ex girlfriend

The myth is women have a tendency to despise ‘the Ex’. Lies. We only care about your ex if she is

a) Equally attractive
b) Prettier
c) Beyonce

If a-c isn’t true it’s unlikely that she’ll ever cross our mind. However we’ll gladly feign jealousy in order to stroke your ego.

2) We also pretend we’re listening

I’m convinced my Dad puts my voice on mute at least 50% of the time. How do I know? Because when I ask him to repeat what I said, he’ll stammer and change the subject. Despite the fact he’s learnt how to effectively tune me out, I love my Dad because he loves me enough to pretend to listen. That’s real love.

What he doesn’t know is that my sisters and I also pretend we’re listening. Especially when he starts speaking about classic Ali fights or how he had to ‘fetch water from the stream in Nigeria and we’re so spoilt we grumble about getting water from a tap’.

Sidebar: Dad if you’re reading I’m joking about the last part (not).

3) We don’t think we’re fat

A significant proportion of women have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. It’s just that the headline ‘65% of women are content with their bodies’ will never sell newspapers (not that newspapers sell anymore).

Sidebar: Dear Rupert Murdoch, I’d just like to take the moment to state I resent the pay wall you’ve erected over at TimesOnline. Pull it down. Free content is the future.

4) Most women get on with each other.

The commonly accepted myth is women are prone to hating each other. In fact our hatred is so baseless some women hate women they’ve never met. The reality is that most women get on with each other. Sadly there are a minute percentage of us who are devious, antagonistic and tiresome. As it only takes a tiny bit of poison to make the whole body sick, this small percentage are able to obstruct our progress as a unit.

5) It seems like we’re saying what’s on our mind but we’re still hiding things.

Women are stereotypically known for their random emotional outbursts where they reveal issues they’ve harboured for months. The truth is more complicated.

In any argument, the chances are we know a lot more than we reveal. In fact I’d argue if a woman confronts a man the probability is she will only use 40% of her knowledge as ammunition. The ‘real issue’ is simply buried in our archives. Should men be afraid? I would be.

6) We don’t have Sex and The City type reunions as often as everyone thinks

The chances of all the members of a clique discussing their sex lives in a restaurant thrice a week is unlikely unless…

a) All members of the clique are unemployed
b) All members of the clique are unemployed

However it’s convenient that men believe such conferences regularly take place.

7) We don’t decide in (insert arbitrary number of seconds) whether we’ll sleep with a man

Apparently women decide in 7/9/(insert random number) seconds if they’ll sleep with a man. Nonsense. Most of the men we fall hardest for, we initially had no intention of entertaining.

When it comes to such matters there’s a positive correlation between how much effort a man puts in and what he gets out. Although women don’t like to admit it, if a man works hard and smart enough he will eventually wear her down.

Disclaimer: Wearing a woman down can take anything from 3 weeks to 300 years.

8) We don't just spy on men we like on the internet.....

We spy on the men our friend’s like too. It’s one of the implicit female friendship conventions (crazy) women adhere to.

9) Many of us hate the phone

This is a self- indulgent addition (then again many would argue by very definition a blog is self-indulgence), I hate the phone and I sincerely hope in honour of Schumpeter someone invents a device that renders the phone obsolete. Until then I'll have to keep 'missing' calls.

10) We’re not that tough

The ‘strong woman’ image, in particular the ‘strong black woman’ archetype, is one that irks me. The constant celebration of women’s apparent strength has meant that many (including women themselves) have interpreted this message as proof women have an endless supply of strength. This is far from true. Women aren’t endowed with a super human strength; it’s just that they’re reluctant to complain when their load is heavy because we want to be 'strong'.

We’re not as tough as we seem, we're just afraid of admitting it.

Christiana

xxx

Act Like A Lady & Play it Smart

2010-07-16T16:56:00.006+01:00

I remember my last (pseudo) relationship. It was exhilarating, intense and on some days I’d never felt happier. It was also toxic. At the time I used the ‘I’m in love’ cliché as a justification for abiding with folly. In hindsight it was a lack of love for myself, not an overwhelming love for someone else, that made me stick around.

It got to a stage where my life became defined by indecisiveness. I’d constantly veer between mustering up the courage to leave and deciding to stay. Everyday I’d look into the mirror realising I was becoming a woman I didn’t like.

I remember one day I met up with one of my best friends and before I could launch into the latest melodrama he said…

‘Are we really gonna have this conversation again? You know what you need to do, you’re weak!’

As I watched his face contort into that shape men make when they feel repulsed by a woman’s behaviour, I was speechless. It wasn’t his brutal honesty that silenced me, it was the fact he was right. I had become weak.

A few months later, I admitted to my friend that his ‘weak’ comment was a catalyst in me finally ending things. Instead of graciously thanking me, he laughed and said....

‘Mate it shouldn’t have taken that to make you leave, you should have left way before that.Be careful you don’t make the same mistake thrice. You need to learn to act like a lady but think like a man’

His ‘act like a lady think like a man’ logic annoyed me. Firstly, it perpetuates the myth that there’s a vast difference in how men and women think. Secondly, it implies that the ‘masculine’ way of thinking is superior. Finally, it insults the millions of women who thrive whilst embracing their femininity. What’s worse is it’s one of those clichés women are starting to buy into.

I don’t think women find it difficult to leave destructive relationships because of how they think. In most cases there’s nothing wrong with our thought process. We know what we need to do. It’s just that after thinking clearly, we then place a disproportionate weight on our emotions. The addition of our emotions to the equation causes us to behave in a manner that’s not for our benefit. Our thinking isn’t infected, our behaviour is.

Sidebar: I’m aware there’s a link between thought and action. However in this case, I’m arguing emotional will overrides rational thought.

Most women reading this will agree that as a gender we need learn to play smarter. Our actions needs to line up with our thoughts and when necessary our heads must overrule our hearts.

There’s nothing I can write that can inoculate against the inevitability of a disastrous romance. Yet there are methods of reducing and diverting its damaging effects. Here are a few of my thoughts on how we can ‘Play it Smarter’.

Playing it Smarter

1) Don’t chase Men

If he doesn’t seem interested, he probably isn’t interested. Move on. It’s that simple.

2) Stick to your principles

If a new man causes you to challenge everything that's fundamental to you, don’t question your principles, question him. I’m aware that relationships often cause our principles to evolve. However if our principles adjust every time we’re with someone new, how will we establish our own sense of identity?

3) Keep your Power

I don't believe a woman should ever give her all her power to anyone. Keep something for yourself. You may need it. It is possible to love a man without him defining your existence. Unless his name is Jesus and he's from Nazareth, I wouldn't take the risk.

4) Demand respect

On the occasions I’ve been disrespected in a relationship it’s because I've placed myself in a situation where I could be disrespected. I've also cultivated the conditions for disrespect to flourish. In this day and age earning respect is not enough, you have to demand it and ensure it's maintained.

5) Listen to those you trust

If most of the people you trust are wary about a man you’re entertaining, I’d take it as a cue to tread carefully.

6) Avoid publicising your love life on Facebook

(This theory is based entirely on my own superstition ,rather than extensive research)

Making the Farcebook community aware of who you’re in a relationship with is the equivalent of putting a hex on your union. If a Facebook announcement hasn’t cursed your relationship I can guarantee

a) The relationship existed before one of you joined Facebook
b) You’re rarely on Facebook
c) The curse hasn’t kicked in

Keep it simple. ‘In a relationship’ ‘Married’ ‘Single’. Those who need to know who you’re with won’t need Facebook to tell them.

7) Take your time

Being constantly reminded that there are only a ‘few’ good men and pressure from family, can make women feel like the clock is ticking faster than it is. Consequently as soon as we meet someone that seems to match our criteria we rush things.

Though it feels counter-intuitive, taking our time is the best option.

8) Be wary of who and what you fight for

Unless you’re married, have kids or share assets, I don’t see why you’d fight for love if it were going to leave you maimed. In light of the fact there are billions of men in the world, if it’s about to sink, don’t try and fix it. Get off the ship before you go down with it.

9) Remember he’s not your ex

We must never punish a new man for the sins of an ex. Playing it smarter doesn’t mean regarding every man we meet with suspicion. It means we’re more cautious before we take the plunge.

10) ?

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There they are! My thoughts on how women can ‘play it smarter’. The list isn't exhaustive and as ever I want your feedback and suggestions. What's rule number 10? What have I overlooked? Which ideas do you disagree with? As ever your thoughts are appreciated!

Christiana

xxx

Brick Walls & Brick Breakers

2010-07-14T17:13:00.003+01:00

Last month I had my mid-year review. I began to examine all the goals I’d set at the beginning of TwentyTen and evaluating my progress. To say my progress has been disappointing is an understatement. I don’t think I’ve done 30% of what I intended to.

Whilst discussing my disappointment with my friends and family, most of them told me to stop being so hard on myself. Yet the fact remained I wasn’t meeting the standards I’d set for myself and frankly that wasn’t good enough.

I tried to think about why I wasn’t achieving things that are seemingly within my grasp…..

Was it my car accident?

For about 2 months this year I was out of action recovering from a car accident. Though my injuries aren’t visible they’ve changed how I live. The psychological impact of having to work harder to live in a way that once came naturally has been tough. Yet for the sake of my sanity I’ve had to get over it. I can’t legitimately use the accident as an excuse. Yes it derailed me, but people overcome far worse and the truth is I was off mark before it happened.

Is there a conspiracy to hinder my progress?

Of course there’s no conspiracy! I don’t matter that much. No one matters that much.

Sidebar: People who think the world’s against them usually only have one enemy, themselves.

So what was the problem?

It wasn’t hard to figure out. I was the common denominator in all my failures. The problem lay with me. When I first discovered the power of setting goals and working towards making them manifest, it was a life changing revelation. However there was a crucial problem with my method. I persisted in creating my goals in a vacuum, forgetting goals are actualised in the real world. The real world is full of obstacles. Sadly my mindset didn’t allow for these obstacles. All I had was rigid goals and an inflexible strategy.

In the last 6 weeks I’ve been forced to excavate my life. I shut out the noise and began to dig those areas I’d neglected in my complacency. It has made a huge difference. Firstly, it’s finally dawned on me that goal setting and working hard are the minimum requirements for success and will never suffice. Secondly I realised that when the game changes, I’ve got to hold on to my principles but adjust my strategy.

There’s a chance you’re reading this and you’ve hit a brick wall. There’s an equal chance everything your life is going according to plan. Regardless of what space you’re in, brick walls are one of life’s certainties. It never hurts to know what someone else is using to break down their walls. Today I thought I’d share what I’m implementing in my life, I call them ‘The Brick Breakers’.

The Brick Breakers

1) Get off the seesaw

I’m usually either extremely happy or depressed. There is no in between with me. It’s a constant seesaw, bumping from extreme to extreme. If I’m happy, I’m brimming with ideas and my productivity is at its peak. When I come down, I’ll over-think myself into a state of worry and all my output is mediocre. The ‘seesaw’ was the story of my early twenties.

June taught me that if a positive outlook didn’t become my modus operandi, 2010 would end in disappointment. I had to get off the seesaw. It was monotonous, childish and I needed healthy consistency. Every day I’m training my mind to focus on empowering thoughts rather than allowing negativity to dominate.

Sidebar: A great site with tips to declutter the mind is Zen Habits

2) Learn to Network

Historically, networking hasn’t interested me. I despise those who get to know people simply for what they can gain from them. I want to get to know a person because they’re genuinely worth knowing.

In hindsight I had a myopic view of what networking is. Who says I can’t connect with people who are genuinely worth knowing and can help me with my goals? We live in a world where everyone has something to offer and everyone needs a problem solved. This means within you is the solution to someone’s problem, you just have to find them (and if you’re a capitalist sell it to them!). Anyone who isn’t trying to connect with people is doing themselves a disservice. The more influential people who are aware of what you do, the easier it is to get where you want to go.

3) Remember time is not your friend.

‘Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there."

Morpheus, The Matrix

Since my car accident I’ve developed a sense of urgency about life. In the process I’ve learnt rushing is as counterproductive as being slothful. However we must always be ruthless with time, because ultimately time is ruthless with us.

4) Be Confident

Diffidence has contributed to least 60% of my lack of goal attainment. As such I’m using my twenties to regain the raw confidence I lost somewhere along the way.

I meet a lot of successful people with mediocre minds who have fooled everyone into believing they’re brilliant. YouTube conspiracy theorists would conclude such people are in the ‘illumnati’. The only secret in the society of the successful is confidence. They believe they’re the best and couldn’t care less about who misidentifies their boldness as arrogance. After all, if you don’t believe in what you’re selling, how on earth do expect anyone else to buy it?

5) Break Big Goal’s down into little goals with specific time periods

The Long Run Goal = Marry Trey Songz → 2 years

The Medium Run Goal = Weasel your way into his inner circle → 1 year

The Short Run Goal = Get access to Trey Songz. Buy tickets to a gig. → 6 months

Sidebar: Just to assure you the Trey Songz goal isn’t a personal goal of mine. Promise : )

6) Ask for help

Pride is dangerous. Don’t wait until things fall apart to ask for help.

7) ‘Plus it’

We get it. Hustle beats talent. Yet this doesn’t mean you don’t need to be good at what you do. In fact you need to be so good they can’t ignore you. To do this you must decide to ‘plus it’.

‘Plus it’ is a concept created by Walt Disney. Any time his imagineers would create a new concept he’d tell them to go away and ‘Plus it’. He wanted to push their brilliance to its limits and by doing this he forced them to produce something remarkable.

8) Enjoy it
It’s a crazy ride. I’m slowly learning to enjoy the journey instead of constantly obsessing over when I’ll get to my destination.I recently came across this quote and it hit me so hard I stuck it on my bedroom wall.

‘Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men of talent. Genius will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan, ‘press on’ has solved and will always solve, the problems of the human race’

Calvin Coolidge.

So the final Brick Breaker is: Keep Pressing On

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

The Drought

2010-07-12T11:49:00.003+01:00

If engaged in a discussion with a group of single women, the chances are someone will mention the lack of good men on the market. Theoretically such conversations should have stopped a long time ago. When you take into account the number of lesbians and women who’ve decided to dedicate their lives to their cat/vibrator/career/all the above, you’d think there’d be enough good men to go around. Alas it’s not the case. Apparently like good weaves and polar bears, good men are facing extinction and it's not on the list of the U.N's priorities.

The fact I’m single and know many women who shouldn’t be single, means I should believe there’s a drought of good men. Instead I think it’s propaganda. The problem is whenever I debate this topic some antagonist will pipe up and say…..

‘Christiana if there are really loads of good men and it’s all propaganda, where are they?’

A question that irks me because the inquirant knows I have no idea where all the good men are. If I knew I’d own a hugely successful dating agency and become so rich I’d be able to blow my nose on £20 notes.

Sidebar: Alongside tugging Prince Charles’ ears, blowing my nose on £20 notes is a crude fantasy of mine.

I don’t even have enough ‘destitute woman finally finds true love’ anecdotes to share. All the stories I’m being told are evidence the only thing the average woman has to look forward to is a mediocre man with emotional baggage that rivals Lindsay Lohan’s.

Despite the fact I can’t find sufficient empirical evidence to the contrary, I still believe there are many good men out there. There is no drought. There are simply 3 factors at work that cause a lot of good men to go undetected. As this blog is a space to share theories that would otherwise bounce around my head…

Factors causing Good Men to go undetected

1) We place too many men in the ‘Just Friends’ category

Every month without fail a family member or friend will remark that a male friend of mine and I would make the perfect couple. My mum regularly walks into my bedroom and says

‘Why don’t you marry (insert name of the friend that takes her fancy that day)?’

Sidebar: Is it just my mum that leaps to talk of marriage and grandchildren forgetting that a first date hasn’t been arranged?

My aunt recently met a good friend of mine who has a girlfriend and said…

‘You mean to tell me you had that man within your reach and you let her have him? My God we need to enter serious fasting and prayer for you because you have NO sense’ * She sticks up her middle finger, gives me a dirty look, kisses her teeth and shakes her head. Simultaneously *

Sidebar: I think I need to do a blog post dedicated to my aunt.

Imagine a woman listed all the (straight) men she considers ‘just friends’ and wrote down their credentials. If she had read that list before meeting any of those men, she'd consider most of them boyfriend material. The problem isn’t the lack of good men, the problem is we’ve ‘friend zoned’ too many.

2) They’re overlooked because they’re ‘Good Men in the making’

When it comes to picking men many women have an anti-Ikea ethos. We don’t want men who we have to assemble or need to be fixed. We want a ready assembled piece of greatness. The finished article. Such an attitude isn’t selfish, it’s pragmatic. It’s cumbersome enough trying to build your own life, without picking a man that needs to be built too. However any ‘good man’ has become the man he is because someone along the way decided to invest in him.

I'm not advocating women picking men that need to be ‘fixed’. We do enough of that. What I do think is we need to be less brutal with our sieving process. There are good men out there, but too many of us are obsessed with inconsequential flaws and are unable to see them for the men they could be. We label them ‘not good enough’ rather than ‘making moves towards being good enough’.

3) There are 'too many' good women

People often say it’s the ‘hoes’ and women who lack scruple that make it hard for ‘good women’. I disagree. Good women (unintentionally) make it harder for good women. The quality and quantity of good women is so high, there isn't a real incentive for men to retire from bachelorhood. On the other hand if the general perception was good women were becoming extinct , I think the 'good men' would be more inclined to put themselves out there.

Sidebar: See ‘The Average Chick theory’ a post, which explores the idea that a woman excelling is to her detriment.

Those are the 3 factors that I think have contributed to the incorrect perception that there’s a lack of good men. What are your thoughts? Am I right? Are there any more factors? Or am I being optimistic?

Christiana xxx

Looks 'vs' Personality

2010-07-07T17:42:00.004+01:00

Hi Christiana, I currently like this guy, he is really sweet, we have good conversations, problem = he isn't very good looking, now I wanted to know your thoughts on nice guy vs. good looks? should it matter that he isn’t good looking... I guess it is most definitely something I could answer myself! just a second opinion??

It’s the classic scenario. You meet a great guy but he has a not so great face. Since being openly superficial is frowned upon, most women bury their reservations. Yet secretly you loathe the fact you fancy him and you feel guilty that you’re considering deleting him from your phonebook due to a factor he had no hand in creating.

My response to this email should be a blog post reminding us of the virtue in looking deep inside a person. I should implore the young lady to stop being so superficial. Remind her that life is too short to get hung up on minor details like physical appearance and what should be paramount is his character not his face. That she should focus on what he looks like on the inside because that’s what will make the difference in the long run.

And it would all be true.

However it would be hypocritical of me to spread a message I’m yet to fully implement in my own life (emphasis on the word fully). You see I’m a sucker for a handsome face!

Experience has taught me handsome men are akin to a beautifully wrapped gift. Nice to hold and look at, but no proof that the gift it conceals has any value. Despite this fact (sadly) I’m still more likely to miss the call of the unattractive man with a great personality for the handsome man I can’t help but like even though he has an attitude that stinks more than a crack head.

Yet I know for a fact I’m not the only person who often lets how a person looks cloud my judgement. We don’t live in utopia, where teenagers put posters on their walls of famous people they adore because they have great personalities. We live in the real world. Dystopia. A place where looks mater and famous people tend to be pretty people.

When was the last time you heard the chat up line ‘I saw you from across the room and I knew I had to walk over to take a better look at your gorgeous….personality’. Unless you have a super power which enables you to glare deep into a persons soul, the chances are you’re initially attracted to a person’s appearance not their personality. In fact there’s nothing wrong with being drawn to a specific physical aesthetic. Preferring a particular look is no different from favouring a particular type of food. It’s simply an expression and reflection of your personal taste. However it becomes wrong when how a person looks is the sole impulse behind whether we keep them around or get rid!

In many ways we’ve been taught to view looks and personality as adversarial concepts. More often than not when we debate the two, the typical discourse runs along the ‘looks versus personality' lines. We view the two factors as parallel lines that’ll never meet. When in actual fact they tend to overlap and inform each other.

A few years ago I noticed a common thread that running through men that always seemed to get amazing women. Subtracting the men that were attractive, rich or famous, most of the men didn’t fit the mould of what's viewed as conventionally attractive. In fact many are what the world would deem as distinctively average looking (or even below average). What was the common thread? They all had a personality trait that gave them a certain magnetism. Whether it was being witty, funny, charming, audacious or sarcastic, men that wouldn’t win any beauty pageants got the best women because of their personalities.

This caused me to conclude that if you have a good enough personality it will make you (more) attractive. Contrarily no matter how beautiful you are, if your personality is ugly eventually those around you will view you as unattractive. It’s one of the universe’s balancing mechanisms. Minus the minute percentage of people that are deemed universally attractive (there are very few. The media has set the attractive bar so high, pretty people are the new average). Most ‘attractive’ people are attractive because they make an effort with their appearance and crucially radiate great energy.

Contrary to the typical discourse it’s never really a matter of looks vs. personality. They aren’t warring cousins, constantly pitted against each other; they’re more like conjoined twins who work interdependently. Chances are the people we find attractive have something inside that enhances (or detracts from) what they’re working with on the outside.

Now back to the young lady who emailed me! Even if a man’s personality is perfectly compatible with yours, if the idea of him being in bed with you makes your womb hurt, it’s probably not the best idea to pursue a relationship with him. Why? Because frankly you don't have the character necessary for such an arrangement to work. And most humans don't!

Ideally what we find attractive is a perfect blend of personality and looks. Disproportionate emphasis shouldn’t be placed on either factor .I often hear the phrase ‘beauty fades’ which is annoying because it implies that personalities/characters are immutable and on that basis they should be held in higher esteem. That's nonsense. From experience personalities/characters change (and diminish) at a far quicker rate than physical appearance. The bottom line is both factors matter and for some people they matter equally.

Or am I wrong? Is one factor more important than the other? What are your opinions on the ‘looks vs. personality’ debate? Am I correct in saying they overlap and work together? Are you a person that only likes good looking men/women?! Or is it the ‘inside’ that counts? Let me know!

Christiana xxx

How come you don't call me anymore?

2010-07-05T13:44:00.005+01:00

Have you ever been ‘seeing’ someone you like, everything seemed to be going swimmingly well and all of a sudden they stopped being interested? To make matters worse the person didn’t come out admit they no longer liked you, instead they chose the cowards method of ending a blooming relationship. They simply stopped calling.

If your answer to that question is no, you’ve probably been the perpetrator of such acts rather than the victim. Most of us have been there, it’s just a matter of whether we were avoiding someone’s calls or our calls were being avoided! On the occasion a man has stopped calling me for reasons unknown to me, after recovering from the initial blow to my ego, I tend to forget the matter. I don’t think any woman should waste her time chasing a man who’s relegated her, when there’s another man out there waiting to adore her.

My friend on the other hand has a very different approach. She wants to know exactly why ‘he’ stopped calling. Or in her words…

‘Christiana I need closure’

In my friend’s world closure is rarely an organic process. Instead it involves her orchestrating a confrontation in which she forcibly gets an explanation.

A few weeks ago I had the honour of witnessing one of my friend’s quests for closure. We went out to a party and as the god’s would have it we spotted a man who had recently pulled a disappearing act.

Sidebar: I lied. It had nothing to do with the god’s. We were there because we knew he’d be in attendance. The life lesson? If you intend to go somewhere do not click ‘Attending’ on Facebook.

As he happened to ‘randomly’ be in her vicinity my friend (who lacks subtlety and tact) took the opportunity to ask a question that most women with an ounce of pride dare not….

‘Why the f&*$ did you stop calling me?’

Whilst watching him squirm with embarrassment and use the cliché ‘I’ve been so busy was going to call you this week’ excuse, it occurred to me that many women who had been in the same situation also wanted answers. The only difference is we aren’t crazy enough to e-stalk someone into submission to get them.

Inspired (and amused) by my friend’s brazenness I decided that I would try and find the answer to the question ‘How come you don’t call me?’. Since that day I’ve asked various men what are the usual triggers behind them going hot to cold in an instant. After promising them their responses would be published anonymously, I was given answers that made me laugh, think and shake my head. In fact I think the answers and their implications on how women should conduct themselves are a worthy book topic. However this is a blog not a book. So I thought I’d condense my ‘findings’ into a blog post and list the answers that came up most frequently.

How come you don’t call me anymore?

1)I have a girlfriend you don’t know about

According to 80% of the men I asked (made up statistic) the most probable answer is that the guy had a girlfriend/wife, was determined to cheat and then chickened out at the last minute.

2) You did something that annoyed me

We did something that turned him off, he tried to get over it but he was unable to erase it from his memory. Instead of being honest he chose the ‘noble’ route of disappearing.

Sidebar: No judgement in the final clause of the last paragraph. I’d disappear too.

3) I heard you were a bit of a ‘Samantha’

I find this addition ironic considering the post I wrote last week suggests the opposite. See here. Basically if a friend informs a man that the lady he’s entertaining has a sketchy sexual past and he’s the type of man that cares…..he will terminate what they had.

4) You liked me more when I stopped calling

For reasons too complex to unpack today ‘really nice guys’ are probably the least desired commodity on the dating market. Consequently ‘be mean keep ‘em keen’ tactics are regularly employed by men aware women suddenly become more interested when they phone less.

5) You misread the situation

One of the benefits/dangers of technology is I’m able to copy, paste and save particularly interesting BlackBerry messenger exchanges for future reference. As such I’m able to quote this theory verbatim.

‘I don’t disappear if I really like a woman. If I think a woman’s worth sticking around for I’ll stay. Chances are she misread it all. I didn’t like her as much as she thought I did. Is that so hard to understand?’

6) I got what I came for

Whilst discussing this topic with a man on the train (what is it with me and strangers on the train?) he bluntly said that most men stop calling because they only intended to have sex with a woman and got what they wanted.

Sidebar: He stressed I must mention any women who interprets this as further proof not giving it up too quickly is in her interests, is 'mistaken'. Apparently if a man has no intention of making a woman his girlfriend, sex can never be used as leverage. Women who fall in the ‘will never ever be my girlfriend’ category can never give it up too quickly or too late, as the man never intended to stick around in the first place.I know I digressed but I think this subject warrants a separate blog topic don’t you?

7) You were perfect for me and I got scared

Since this is the most unlikely option I was instructed not to ‘get women’s hopes up or feed their egos by putting this high up the list’. There is a (slim) possibility that we were the perfect woman. Sadly it was all too much for him. Behaving like a classic commitmentphobe he decided to self-sabotage and out of fear he runs away.

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So there it is! A few answers to the ‘How come you don’t call me?’ question that is plaguing thousands of women all around the world whilst I type.

To my male readers! What say you? Is it accurate? When you’ve disappeared has it been for the reasons listed above? Or are there more reasons? Let us know!

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

The Money Trap

2010-07-02T09:02:00.002+01:00

Happy Friday!

It's be a while since I last posted a video blog so I finally got myself together and filmed one. As ever I won't expand too much on the content of the video, I'll just let you watch and make up your own minds. As the title suggests it's about finance and the impulse of the vlog is my personal decision to redefine my relationship with money. I hope my decision to escape the 'money trap' is permanent and as with anything I do, I feel that publicly documenting it is a further personal incentive to maintain a higher standard.

As always it would be great if you could.......

1) Comment & Let me know your feedback (on the blog an youtube video if you can!)
2) Share & Spread the word
3) Subscribe via YouTube

By the way you will notice that I've finally got a short haircut!!! Since I've been a kid my hair's been long and my mum always warned me against cutting it. In fact most people I know would say 'Don't you ever cut your hair!' and I think it became a security blanket. Last week I finally tried something different. I never thought I'd be the kind of woman to describe a haircut as liberating but it really is! The whole front section is red but you can't see it because the camera on my mac isn't the greatest quality (annoying). Anyway enough about my hair lol!

Cosmpolitan are holding their first blog awards and although my chances of getting a nomination are slim I'd love for you guys to nominate my blog! This month it'll be two years of blogging and I often describe the decision to start this site as a 'beautiful mistake'. I didn't believe it would entail so much effort, disappointment and alter my life so radically. However all in all it truly has been one of the best decisions I ever made. If you've enjoy reading my blog and feel it deserves some sort of recognition it would be great if you could take the time out to nominate it.

www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/your-life/cosmo-blog-awards/special

Unlike most blogs the topics on this blog aren't specific to a certain category. Perhaps that's a reflection of my dislike of being pigeonholed and the fact I have a variety of interests. As such I don't think there's a category that sums up this blog perfectly. I think the best categories to nominate it for are 'Lifestyle' or 'Sex and Relationships'. Get everyone to vote! Your family, friends, church/mosque/yoga class members, weave hook up, haters....you get my drift : )

On that note, I hope you all have a splendid weekend. I'll be back on Monday and as ever thank you for your continued support!

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

Hoes, Housewives & myths

2010-06-28T14:23:00.008+01:00

Last week I received an email from one of my readers soliciting advice. Even though it’s a regular occurrence I’m yet to get over the fact that people value my opinion! My mother recently said…

‘Jesus is coming! You’re telling me because of that blob people tell you their problems? You young people have no secrets! ’

Sidebar: Blob is my mother’s word for blog. The phrase ‘Jesus is coming’ is her automatic response to any social or personal occurrence that she finds strange.

I'm prone to siding with my readers on issues. This is because you’re an intelligent bunch (last week someone kindly corrected me, Hegel not Marx/Lenin rejuvenated dialectic logic). And I like you guys! However for the first time in a while an email exchange with a reader revealed that we had no common ground. After agreeing to disagree, she suggested I write a blog post on the subject and you guys have the final say. As I believe a variety opinions voiced by an intelligent audience should lead to a higher solution to any problem, I agreed. Here it goes……….

Hoes, Housewives & Myths

The reader has an older brother who she cares about deeply. For years he has been a known womaniser. Much to her surprise recently he finally decided to settle down. Initially his family were pleased with his choice as his new girlfriend seemed to tick all the boxes. Unfortunately a few months ago an issue arose. According to numerous sources the seemingly perfect girlfriend has a ‘shady history’. Or to put it frankly she is/was a ‘hoe’.

The closing paragraph of the email began with the cliché…..

"You know what they say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife"

The emailer (is that a real word?) wanted advice as to how her family could go about essentially dismantling this relationship. Their words of caution have thus far fallen on deaf ears and she wanted a fresh take on what could possibly be done. Simultaneously flattered and offended that she thought I was that Machiavellian, I explained with good conscience I couldn’t offer such advice.

Before I proceed with my reasons why I came to this decision, I’d like to emphasise that I think her concerns are understandable and in many ways warranted. In fact if I were in her position I'd probably have the same reservations. But I’m not. This gives me the benefit of objectivity and the ability to analyse the situation without emotions clouding my judgment.

My Reasons

1) You cannot change your opinion on someone based solely on secondary sources

What strikes me is the young lady and her family liked the new girlfriend until other people started informing them of her past. There’s a disconnect between what the family have seen and what they’ve heard. On that basis I think the burden of proof should lie with the gossips rather than the new girlfriend having to go through the mill. We live in the world where individuals are quick to write people off based on secondary sources. Until they've seen this woman act indecently they must hold their peace. At present all they're doing is believing hearsay and potentially character assassinating an innocent woman.

2) The term "hoe"

I’ve blogged previously on this matter so I won’t go into too much detail. In short I hate the term hoe. It’s a slur that seems to be used exclusively to demean females, though logically both genders should be capable of being labeled a ‘hoe’. Moreover the ever-shifting hoe boundary means the term is rendered meaningless as it’s always relative to the person using it. Haven’t you noticed people use the term hoe only when a woman falls below their arbitrary sexual standards?

3) The idiotic hoe/housewife dichotomy

I despise the artificial hoe/housewife dichotomy that everyone’s accepted as gospel. Life is never that simple! Which authority mandated that a hoe can’t be a housewife and a housewife can’t transform into hoe? Who created this vast gulf? Surely there must be areas of overlap? Is there a definite correlation between sexual promiscuity and a woman’s character? Are we suggesting that housewives are on the whole better people? That’s like saying policemen and teachers have superior characters just because their jobs are vocations!

Sidebar: Let’s quickly address the elephant in the room touching itself. She stated her brother was a known womaniser. The less commonly used feminist cliché ‘You can’t turn a (man) hoe into a husband’ springs to mind.......

4) Even if the accusations are true….

No one in this world is so perfect they can occupy the moral high ground. My honest opinion is her brother and his girlfriend deserve the opportunity to succeed (or fail) at love as much as the next person. They should be allowed to have the chance to build a foundation without interference. Regardless of if the accusations are rumours or perfect truth, the brother should be allowed to find out by himself. If the relationship isn’t meant to be, universal law dictates it will erode without the need for meddling.

However!

Every time I pose this scenario to a friend they disagree with my stance. Am I wrong? Is my position on this issue far too ‘radical’? Does this family have the right and duty to ensure their loved one finds someone ‘better’? Should women labeled ‘hoes’ be forever avoided? Please let me know, I’m looking forward to your input!

Christiana

xxx

The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame

2010-06-24T12:14:00.003+01:00

I recently asked a young girl what she wanted from her life. Her response?

‘I want to be famous’

This is an answer that has depressed and plagued me since I heard it. I’ve tried to rationalise her answer, put it down to her youth and conclude she’ll grow out of it. Yet the truth is her decision to pursue fame as an end in itself isn’t a silly one. Our culture has created a market for women who are famous for the sake of being famous, so why shouldn’t she cash in on it? Talent and accomplishment are no longer prerequisites of fame. Warhol’s secular prophecy has come true and in post-feminist twist, being famous for no particular reason is something many women strive for.

A conversation about this trend took an entertaining turn when my friends and I discovered our combined years of celeb voyeurism, meant we’re experts on what it takes to become famous. As a result we created ‘The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame’. Our guide has elements of hyperbole yet it contains more truth than err. It’s the latent message the media has been feeding impressionable young girls. The message is poisonous and tells any young girl that doesn’t fit the mould (or seek to) that she isn’t good enough.

The poison of celebrity culture combined with the general difficulty of growing up, means that many girls capitulate and become something they’re not. Girls who once may have been doctors, politicians, journalists, teachers or engineers pour their energy into the futile quest of being the next Kim Kardashian or better still a WAG.

Marxist Leninist logic states for every thesis there is anti-thesis. The clash of the two should lead to a higher stage of development. This means it’s up to those women with substance, drive, ambition and unafraid of individuality, to be the anti-thesis of the status quo. Perhaps I’m an idealist but I do think if this happens about 20 years from now, the pool of vapid celebrity women will have dissipated or at least pushed to the periphery. Hopefully one day we’ll have a society where young girls have role models that reflect variety and positivity rather than represent a narrow harmful stereotype. And those girls who decide they want to be famous, do so with the aim of achieving something that warrants attention and admiration.

Until then….

The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame

1) You must be skinny and attractive. If you’re neither you must do whatever it takes to become both.

2) You need hair extensions. Drown yourself in them. Get a weave so voluminous and heavy it causes spinal damage.

3) You must have a sex tape and/or salacious photos plastered all over the Internet. The key is to act outraged when they mysteriously leak.

4) Go on a reality show. Act like an uber bitch, ridiculously hyper sexual or a woman with a negative I.Q. If you can manage all three the endorsements will come rolling in.

5) Make friends with someone equally untalented and fame hungry. Proceed to regularly fall out limos sans your underwear.

6) Marry a famous athlete.

7) If 6 is proving tough, the Tiger Woods saga illustrates being the mistress of an athlete is quite enough.

8) Ensure that you rid yourself of all individuality.Quick fame requires that instead of finding yourself, you must lose yourself.

9) Remember rule 8 but ironically seek to ‘Be Edgy’. However please keep in mind Daria’s definition of edginess…

'Edgy is a term created by middle-aged, middle-brow people who try to say that they're doing something really dangerous but they're really just, you know, marketing a product that came out of lots of research and meetings.' Daria

Sidebar: If MTV ever need re-commission a show, it’s Daria. Best show ever.

10) Get arrested.

11) Regularly stage photo-ops where you give food to the homeless or pretend you care about fur. Remember all acts of philanthropy or altruism exist solely to feed into your brand.

12) Stop reading. The basis of your fame is that you’re not that smart. It’s best you keep away from any resources that could give the hint of intelligence.

13) If you’ve done 1-12 and still aren’t famous, set up a Twitter account where you claim to have bedded loads of rappers then tweet their ‘phone numbers’ (Google Kat Stacks for a tutorial).

14) Go to rehab. Nothing drums up press interest like a female in (self-inflicted) distress.

15) Remember, in the pursuit of shallow fame there is no thought of consequence. Be self-destructive.

And that’s it. Follow those 15 steps. And you’ll be famous.

Christiana

xxx

The Money Issue

2010-06-22T18:24:00.002+01:00

Today with a heavy heart I watched the budget and our ‘progressive’ coalition implement a series of condemnatory economic policies. A rise in VAT but a fall in corporation tax is just what this country needs isn’t it? * rolls eyes *

Yet the truth is even if the budget sought to create financial conditions for young people to flourish in, unless we’re financially literate as individuals, it’s pointless. And the fact is most of us aren’t financially literate! This is due to an education system that refuses to let go of its Victorian past and insists on placing a disproportionate emphasis on theory paying less attention to practice. So we all leave school knowing the ‘what’ but not the ‘how’. Then there’s the enormous pressure of materialism that most of us succumb to, hence why many young people are living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money. Consequently there’s a whole generation of young people who live on the financial edge, in a land called overdraft propped up by stilts called credit cards.

About six months ago I was forced to take stock of my finances. The realisation I didn’t know how to budget, save and was an expert on squandering was sobering to say the least. My savings account was being constantly depleted as I viewed it as my emergency reserve to buy more clothes. It slowly dawned on me that I had to change. I would have to master fiscal prudence or I would never be financially empowered. If I didn’t do it soon, a life of full of debt and perpetual financial instability awaited me.

As a result of this for the past few months I’ve been on a journey where I’m attempting to change my financial habits. Miraculously I’ve even started shopping less, which I hate but I know it’s for my good.

In light of the fact that I’m not the only young person who's trying to redefine their relationship with money after a reckless spell, I thought I’d do a blog post on it. I could have named this post ‘What I’ve learnt about money’ but that would suggest closure or that I’ve come full circle. Which is far from the truth! Redefining my relationship with money is a constant process. So I settled on the title ‘What I’m learning about money’ as it’s far more appropriate.

What I’m learning about money

1)The founding principle. Keep your expenditure below your income and save before you spend.

It’s blindingly obvious but you’d be shocked how many people don’t.

2) Pay yourself first

This is a rule that I first came across in the interesting (yet in hindsight simultaneously abstract and simiplistic) ‘Rich Dad Poor Dad’. The idea is as soon as you’ve been paid, you pay yourself by saving. Then you pay all your debts and/or bills.

3) Give what you can, as much as you can

Founded in the law of reciprocity, it’s the idea that by giving (whether our finances or time) we’re planting seeds of goodness that will always return to us.

4)Be honest with your friends about your financial position

If you can’t be transparent with your friends about your financial status, find new friends. Too many of us hang around with people who are only interested in fuelling their vapid lifestyles with money they don’t have. You can never ‘keep up’ with a person determined to front with their money. I'd keep away from such people; they’re financially cancerous (and more annoying than a vuvuzela on speed).

5)Learn to make do with what you already have

6) When you can do your hair at home

As you all know I’m an advocate of weaves farmed ethically and sewn in sensibly, so it pains me to put this lesson in. However it's just hair at the end of the day and beanie hats were created to conceal bad hair days.

7) Avoid credit cards

My parents (dad especially) hate credit cards. You would think they were paedophiles melted down into plastic the way they go on about them. It has taken me witnessing the devastating of impact credit cards to share their hatred and conclude in the wrong hands they are Satan’s assistants.

8) Haggle

My mum (still) tries to haggle in Tesco so the embarrassment I endured as a child means I have no shame when it comes to asking for a discount. If you haggle constantly the accumulative positive effect it can have on your finances is astonishing! Where there’s a will, there’s a way…to haggle!

9) Be inventive

Upon the realisation there was an open wireless network in the vicinity, my friend cancelled her broadband contract and is currently using her neighbour’s wireless. I feel simultaneously proud and ashamed to know her.

10)Differentiate between your financial wants and needs, then prioritise accordingly

11)Know the difference between good debt and bad debt

About a year ago in one of his many talks my dad explained to me that all debt wasn’t necessarily bad and broke down the concept of Good debt vs. Bad debt. For once I was really listening. Good debt is any loan taken that’s an investment in your future and likely to reap some reward. For instance a student loan, a mortgage or a bank loan to finance a business. Bad debt is any debt used to fund consumption rather than investment.

12) Discover your unique financial DNA

We’re all wired to relate to money differently, the sooner you find out your individual DNA, the better.

13) Have a financial plan

14)Reward yourself with the odd indulgence

15) Educate yourself about money

I used to think learning about money was a bore. Turns out it is. However it’s a bore that benefits me. There's a blog called ‘Get Rich Slowly’

16) Seek to create passive sources of income

17) And probably the most important rule of all…. Stop caring what people think

Much of what we spend is linked to us feeding our want to be accepted, rather than feeding a genuine need. The day you stop caring what others think of you it empowers every area of your life, including how you spend.

-----------------

That's all I've got for now! But please add your suggestions and personal lessons in the comments section. A (recovering) shopaholic like myself needs all the advice she can get…. : )

Christiana

xxx

The Average Chick Theory

2010-06-18T17:26:00.020+01:00

Before I start today’s blog post I’d like to say congratulations to Kahmila and Joanna who are the winners of the ‘Bitch is the New Black’ competition. I hope you both enjoy the book as much as I did!

Right! Today’s topic…

I must learn to stop talking to strangers. Seriously! All too often I find myself engrossed in deep conversation with people who could easily be concealing deadly weapons. We all know London isn’t the safest place on earth so it’s not exactly wise to speak at length with just anyone. The problem is I’m a sucker for a good conversation.

For instance, the other night I went out with some of my girlfriend’s. During the course of the evening we were approached by two men that looked vaguely familiar (as in Facebook/Twitter/perhaps you were on a TV show familiar). By the time I figured out they were strangers (emphasis on the strange) it was too late to escape.

Sidebar: Technically it wasn’t too late but my friends and I had (foolishly) accepted a round of drinks. I’m trying to break myself from the bondage of being that woman that loves free things so much she can be enticed by them. I’m failing.

Despite the men being strange(rs) we soon found we had a few things to talk about. Unfortunately despite how nice people may be they can never resist the temptation to draw conclusions on others based on a limited interaction. One of the men had the gall to turn around to my friend and say…..

‘I’d be very shocked if you’re married by 35’

At that moment my heart sank as I realised he'd uttered a statement that could potentially cost him a testicle. You see the worse thing you can tell an unhappily single woman (who’s tottering over the line between sanity and insanity) is she’s not getting married for another 7 years.

Convinced that my friend was soon going to duplicate the angry black woman stereotype the media seems enamoured with, I began looking around for an exit I could escort her through with minimal embarrassment .Yet much to my surprise all she did was laugh and say….

‘Why do you think that?’

The man then launched into what my friends and I have now dubbed ‘The Average Chick Theory’. I don’t agree with it. I despise it. I think the theory is flawed, archaic, simplistic and borderline chauvinistic. There’s something about the term ‘average’ that riles me up and I think when this man uses the word average he’s unintentionally using the wrong adjective. The word he’s looking for is docile.

Moreover I refuse to believe the majority of men are this unsophisticated and that the theory reflects their thinking. Nevertheless his theory is an interesting one and he even managed to convince a few of my friends, so I thought I’d share it here.

The Average Chick Theory

‘Average chicks are easier for the male ego to cope with, so they’re snapped up quicker. If you all want to live happily ever after, learn to Be Average.’

That’s it.

According to this man, women don’t realise that being successful, ambitious, attractive and strong is a deadly combination. Apparently by being all these things at once women are acting as their own (long term) cock blockers. If you’re the type of woman that wants to settle down whilst your womb is usable and before you need anti-aging serum, the best bet is to ‘Be Average’. You can’t have it all or even give the impression you’re in pursuit of having it all. Why?

On a basic level there’s a cruel numbers game at work. As we know already there are more women than men. No matter what category a woman is in, whether it’s 'above average', 'average' or ‘procreate with her at your peril’, the demand for men will always outstrip the supply of men. This general numerical disadvantage is worsened when a women is above average because two things occur….

1) The pool of available men decreases further
2) She faces fiercer (and more unscrupulous) competition when trying to bag a man in her league

Now in light 1 + 2 you’d think for a woman who is ‘above average’, focusing on staying that way is a good thing? Apparently not.

The man went on to use a rather crude car analogy to illustrate why this isn’t the case. Apparently women who have it all are akin to luxury cars. Every man would love one, but few men can afford to attain and maintain one. Consequently average women/cars will always be in higher demand and more likely to be purchased. A man may take a luxury car for a spin, but it doesn't mean he's buying! More problematically, the type of man that can afford a luxury car/woman is unlikely to want just one. As he can have more, human nature dictates he’s probably going to want more. Hence why rich successful men have a propensity for cheating on their seemingly perfect wives.

Average women always win in the long term not only because they're in higher demand but crucially because they know they’re average. As such they rarely have delusions of grandeur, are more willing to compromise, set the bar lower and therefore have more options. Whereas women deemed 'above average' have a habit of setting the bar at a point most men can’t reach.

The man ended his misogynistic lecture with the words….

‘I mean you’re all on the right track for having a great life but just know it’s probably going to be a lonely one. Regardless of your gender success is an isolating factor. But it’s far worse for women than men. Sometimes being average isn’t so bad....’

How comforting.

Now although anecdotal evidence suggests successful women are more likely to be single, I refuse to attribute the reason to this theory. I’m even contemplating writing a rebuttal! In the meantime I want all your views (especially some male perspective). Is he right? Are women better off adopting the ‘Be Average’ mantra? Or is there some other cause behind this effect? Weigh in and let me know your thoughts!

Christiana
xxx

Part-Time Lover

2010-06-16T18:24:00.006+01:00

At least once a month I’ll get an email from a reader that is some variant of the following dilemma…

The young lady has been ‘seeing’ Mr X for (insert number of months). From the moment they met Mr X made it clear as much as he liked her, he didn’t want a relationship. Although unsure of how it would pan out in the long term, she obliges to the unorthodox arrangement because as she persists in reminding herself and her friends ‘I’m not that into him anyway’.

Fast-forward a few months and Mr X is quite happy with the arrangement while the young lady is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with still being relegated to ‘just friends’ territory. Despite telling herself that she wouldn’t fall for him, predictably she has.

* Cue relationship status change to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Facebook *

Things are complicated further when she sits down with her friends and tries to ascertain what rights ‘seeing’ someone awards a woman. Is it cheating if they're just ‘seeing' each other? Is she allowed to be annoyed if he doesn’t call back when he says he will? And what on earth does ‘seeing someone’ even mean?

The woman finds herself in a common dilemma. She wants a relationship yet despite constantly professing how much he genuinely likes her, Mr X still doesn’t.

The email will end with a paragraph that reads as follows...

‘I love him so much and apart from he fact he doesn’t want a relationship we’re really great together. I’ve set him ultimatums quite a few times and then I’ll leave him when he doesn’t change his mind. Somehow we always end up back together. But I’m getting tired. What do you think I should do?’

Now I’m aware people rarely seek advice with the intention to implement whatever is recommended to them. Most of us seek advice in the hope that what we’re told will validate the course of action we’ve already decided to take. The truth is any woman intelligent enough to figure out how to send an email has an I.Q high enough to know what she needs to do.

Leave Him!

However when you ‘love’ someone it makes rational decisions that bit harder. The presence of love causes your body to do the otherwise physiologically impossible. Your heart swaps places with your brain and starts to dictate action. Not Good.

Via personal experience or those of friends, most women have insight into the pain being a girlfriend in substance yet being introduced as ‘a friend’ can cause. As a result if you asked your average woman who’s at fault in this situation she would probably blame the man. Historically that’s been my stance. The man in question was described as a ‘bastard’, ‘waste man’, ‘cowardly commitmentphobe’ or other terms I won’t use now since I’m trying to swear less!

However I’ve come to conclude most of the anger that’s provoked by assessing these situations is misdirected. If we had to play the blame game the blame lies squarely with us as women. I’m not condoning the actions of the men who engage in these arrangements. They know deep down that they’re exploiting another person’s emotions in order to get their way.Yet we can’t resent these men for sticking to a decision that was never a secret!

We allow ourselves to become entangled in pseudo-relationships, which don’t reflect our worth and only serve to devalue us. We allow ‘Mr X’s to gain all the benefits that come with being in a relationship yet don't demand them to have any real responsibility. We are willing participants and have the choice to leave when we want. However the bottom line is we choose to stick around!

I’m not naïve enough to believe all women that find themselves in ‘let’s be friends + benefits but I’ll tell everyone you're just my friend’ arrangements are unhappy. There are millions of women who are able to adopt the behaviour usually attributed to men and not dilute their femininity or happiness. In fact many women are at a stage of their lives where such an arrangement is desirable. Contrarily most of the women I encounter aren’t able to compartmentalise their emotions that effectively and there are some who aren't even brave enough to express the fact they’re unhappy.

For many women playing the role of proxy girlfriend is the equivalent of permanently undergoing a bikini wax. Painful! And since I feel so strongly about this topic I’m going to say this….

A woman shouldn’t have to plead, manipulate or issue ultimatums in order to get someone to commit to her. We deserve more. More than being a part time lover, the invisible other half or an accessory that’s pulled out at Mr X’s volition. Believe in yourself enough to leave and wait patiently for someone who is willing to jump thorough hurdles to be with you. Until then walk alone, it's a far superior path in the long run.

Christiana xxx

Cupcakes & The Monday Manual

2010-06-14T12:25:00.003+01:00

Happy Monday!

Before I get into today’s blog…

It is common knowledge that I love clothes, shoes, men and cupcakes. As much as they’ve all caused me much grief, a world void of all four would be unbearable. Therefore it only makes sense that today I’m hosting a cupcake giveaway with the fabulous Gourmet Cupcake Company. If you want mouthgasms delivered to you in a box they’re my top recommendation!

Sidebar: Even though it has the potential to do horrendous damage to my midriff/hips I’m going to go on one of their baking courses. I’m currently the anti-thesis of a domestic Goddess and I’m on a mission to have at least one culinary skill!

To enter the giveaway all you have to do is retweet our tweets relating to the competition (follow @Gourmet_Cupcake ). The winner will be picked at random before 4pm and will have the cupcakes delivered to them via courier by tomorrow!

Sidebar: Apologies to all my international readers as the competition is only open to UK residents. However I have something quite special coming up that will make up for the last two competitions!

Right….Today’s post!

Whilst crossing the bridge between adolescence and adulthood I picked up a horrid habit. I mastered the art of thinking in my sleep. Thinking in your sleep isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it has got its benefits. I often wake up brimming with ideas and concepts that are handy during the day. On other hand it usually it means I wake up mentally congested before I’ve even started my day. It has also led to the personal discovery that sleep and rest, though mutually beneficial, often don’t come together.

Today was one of those days where I thought so much in my sleep I woke up feeling like it was at least Thursday. Consequently all I really wanted to do is shoot the birds singing outside my window and the last thing I felt like doing was writing a blog post for public inspection.

Hitting a rut on a Monday morning has become a frequent occurrence and the major reason why I tend not to blog on Monday’s. Today I decided that rather than wallowing in self-pity, I would write a list of things to help me get through the day. It’s called my ‘Monday Manual’ and hopefully it should help my Monday’s cease from being ‘Mournday’s’ where I’m vexed at everything from the weather to myself!

It’s a personal empowerment tool (how self help does that sound lol!) however as it was so much fun to write, I thought I’d share it on my blog. Some of the points are personal so you will probably find them useless but there are many principles that are transferable.

In hindsight, my ‘Monday Manual’ is useful on any day of the week however I think it carries greater gravitas when examined on a Monday. After all this is the day that’s supposed to represent new beginnings.

The Monday Manual

1) Prioritise. Your family and friends come first. Everything else is embellishment.

2) The Internet has turned the phrases ‘I’m hustling hard’ and ‘I’m so busy’ into annoying clichés. Working hard doesn’t necessarily mean your working smart. Be Productive.

3) Between 4pm and 7pm on Wednesday you’ll hit the inevitable mid week slump, become dejected and hit a brick wall you decide not to leap over. Don’t get so frustrated and stop being so hard on yourself. The deception is that quantum leaps in progress are likely and desirable. So shut up and stick at it.

4) Although you object to them for personal reasons, Wear a (heavily padded) bra.

5) You probably need to call/text someone back. Don’t Procrastinate. Hurry up and do it.

6) Most of your haters are imaginary and the ones that do exist aren’t even worth wasting thinking time on. The real enemy is within, concentrating on conquering her.

7) Anytime you feel low remember that day you saw that woman use her child’s coat as an umbrella to stop her weave getting wet. Laugh really hard. Then ask God for forgiveness.

8) Keep away from dream slayers and be careful who you let into your headspace.

9) Still moping? Play ‘Off the Wall’ by MJ on full blast. If you’re still not smiling, you’re just a miserable cow. Go back to 1 and start again.

10) Fill a portion of today with absolutely nothing.

11) If 1-9 isn’t working pretend it’s Saturday and you’re about to get on a flight to Barbados.

12) Tupac Shakur said it best ‘Know, people gon' hate you for whatever you do’. So you might as well Do Something Special.

13) You ramble too much. Try to respond to emails in no more than 5 sentences. Furthermore an hour of your day will be a BlackBerry free zone. Switch off that bacteria infested machine and give your thumbs a chance to rest.

14)Stop running for the train. It's either you're going to miss it or you’re only going to mess up your hair whilst catching it. Neither outcome's desirable. Try leaving your house in good time.

15) Whatever your Monday brings you must end it on a point of gratitude, at least you got to finish the day.

Christiana

xxx