Considering men with potential

When people inquire about a single woman’s love life it’s rarely for the sake of inquiring. There's always a motive. The motive is usually to infer and then interfere. Not that they view it as interfering, they believe they’re staging a helpful intervention. And at the grand old age of 23 it seems I qualify for helpful interventions.

"Have you thought about marriage?"
“I think about shoes”

“When are you getting married?”
“Someday”

"Would you like me to set you up with someone?"
“Definitely not”

"Have you considered internet dating?”
"It's.Not.That.Serious"

“What do you want in a man?”
“A good soul who tolerates my love of red soles”

"Surely you want children at some point?”
"I do want children. Just not so many that my tits sag but not so few I lack a diversified retirement plan”

After about 5 minutes most will conclude I’m a lost cause and give up. The persistent ones decide that it’s their duty to give me advice. As my views on life and love are inchoate and the only way I’ll learn is if I’m open to new ideas, I tend to shut up and listen. No matter how didactic they are.

Problematically a lot of the advice centres on what I need to be for a man, rather than what I should seek in a man. Apparently to ‘find’ a long term partner I must be smart but never overly intelligent. Radiate sex appeal without sliding into slutty territory. Maintain high standards without seeming high maintenance. Be independent, make it clear I seek interdependence but never seem co-dependent.

My early twenties are proving confusing enough and I don’t think my prime focus should be constantly reconstructing who I am in order to attract a man. The problem with constant reconstruction is you transform so much your true identity becomes hidden from everyone, including yourself. Because of this fear I’m a bit of a dichotomy. I have a desire to learn, but I’m resistant towards teaching that focuses primarily on what I’m doing wrong. However a recent encounter with my beauty therapist caused a paradigm shift in my thinking.

Anyone that’s ever endured a wax knows the routine. There is minimal communication. The only words exchanged are instructions and a thank-you when you arise from the waxing bed in such excruciating pain you wonder why you pay for it. On that particular day I sent up prayer, asking God to send someone unscrupulous (and benevolent) enough to open a backstreet beauty parlour where women like myself could have epidurals before we got waxed.

My beauty therapist was in a talkative mood “You nice girl. You have boyfriend?”. “No”. “Why?” She seemed bewildered. I shrugged, still too traumatised to muster an answer that wasn’t monosyllabic. “Anyway you young, got lots of time” I gave her a smile and she responded with a knowing laugh. Then I think we had a moment. She started opening up about the issues she was having with her daughters. They were on the hunt for the perfect man and much to her chagrin they were rejecting men she approved of.

She lamented about the generational gap between women of her age and women like me. In her time it was expected that you’d approach relationships with a selfless mindset. Women understood things would be hard initially, but as you grew together things would get better. They’d get better because both the man and woman were willing to be patient, tenacious and work together for a better life. I told her I understood her thinking, because my mother comes from a similar school of thought. However that old school romanticism went out the window with old school values. Thing have changed and our generation are programmed differently. Women are taught to marry someone equally or more successful. The idea of marrying into a struggle (or someone with potential), and working towards success isn’t as popular.

In beauty parlours the rules that maintain conversations in the ‘real world’ are suspended. Private conversations between two people often evolve into group discussions. Interjections by strangers aren’t rude, they’re viewed as helpful. In many ways beauty parlours are akin to an Athenian democracy, every opinion is valid and every voice is heard. Soon all the women in the room started sharing their experiences. Some women spoke about men they wished they hadn’t overlooked because of superficial reasons. Other women spoke about being happy they sacrificed short-term comfort in order to be with someone with potential.

What intrigued me most about my beauty therapist is she didn’t advocate women adjusting their “checklist” or settling. If anything she was ardent they maintained their standards. She wanted her daughters to have the best, but believed instead of looking for the finished article they needed to seek a work in progress, a man with the potential to become what they needed.

“Sometimes you’ve got to help that man become the man he can be. Maybe he not have much money now or big job. But you can help him get there. You make dream man for yourself. Problem is you young girls want it all now”

Despite her broken English and distracting habit of simultaneously gesticulating and punctuating, what she said resonated with me. In fact it hit me like a brick. The idea I’m single because I’ve overlooked men with potential had never crossed my mind.

If I had to condense that conversation (which went on for over an hour) into a phrase it would be the follows;

“Look at what the man could be rather than what he is”

I came away challenged. Truly believing studying a man’s character and using that to gauge his potential, is far more conducive to long term happiness than using his present condition.

A few days later when I came across this quote "Silly women look at what a man drives, Wise women look at what drives the man" I took it as a sign. First a sign I would have to commit change and second that I'd have to blog on this topic.Despite being on the brink of suffering from advice fatigue, I’m grateful to my beauty therapist for taking out the time to share her advice. I do think it’s changed my life (hopefully). I am indebted to her, however not enough to be her customer forever. If any of you know of any beauty parlours that administer local anesthetics or epidurals before waxing, please do let me know.

Best,

Christiana xxx

Valentine's Day Politics

Note: The above picture has nothing to do with the post. It’s just a subtle hint concerning what Valentine’s gift I’d like. YSL Tribtoo’s in emerald green or Louboutin fred flats. I’m a 39….

A few days ago a friend approached me and asked that I write a blog entry about how to experience Valentine’s Day as a single woman. I thought her suggestion was a good one as Valentine’s Day can put some single women on edge. Too many people insist on asking “So what are you doing this Valentine’s Day” knowing full well we’re single and following that logic it means we probably won’t be doing anything.

Sidebar: This year I’ve taken to responding with “The usual! Talking to my cats, stalking a man I can never have and then I’ll curl up in bed with The Female Eunuch for company” It’s amusing watching people laugh nervously because they’re not quite sure if I’m lying or not.


As we discussed the blog it became apparent we had completely different perspectives. My friend advocates single women being their own Valentine. This (ordeal) involves taking yourself out to dinner and buying yourself gifts. She also asked that I sign off the blog with a reminder that all single women should stay hopeful as “things will get better soon because every Queen finds her King someday”

The thought of taking myself out on a date on Valentine’s Day makes me feel nauseas. To advise someone else to do what I won’t is hypocritical. Furthermore I don’t have a "things will get better your King is around the corner" blog within me. It’s not how I’m wired. I’m a rehabilitated cynic who still believes life is a beautiful struggle, so you might as well live it wearing great shoes. The truth is things may not get better and you may have to French kiss 25 more frogs before you find your king.

My take on experiencing Valentine’s Day as a single woman is pretty simple. I have nothing but respect for single women who are genuinely ok with spending the evening alone. I love the fact they haven’t capitulated to the pressure to wallow in self-pity. Simultaneously, I don’t see anything wrong with a woman who’d like a bit of company on Valentine’s Day. I just feel women are reluctant to publicly admit it because people automatically conclude it means they’re insecure or needy. When in fact it (probably) means they’d like to be wined, dined and heavily petted (preferably in that order).

If you’re a single woman and you’d rather not be alone on Valentine’s Day, the onus is on you to take matters into your own hands. I’m sure you have plenty of options. These men may not be the greatest options, but they’re options nonetheless. And when life gives you lemons, it is your duty to make lemon martinis. I dare you, call someone you find interesting and say…..

"I’d like to go out on Monday. Are you free?"

As my friend is a hopeless romantic who clings to traditional gender roles, she was appalled by my stance….

"Christiana! Valentine’s Day isn’t meant to be spent with just anyone .It’s a special day! I think if you’re single on Valentine’s Day you should embrace it and just wait for Mr Right to come to you "

Firstly, there is nothing sacred about Valentine's Day. It is a frivolous event where people purchase ostentatious gifts as a demonstration of "love" or deep lust. In reality, like every single date in the calendar, February 14th is meaningless. However the capitalist system has foisted meaning upon it in order to make money. On some level we all know it, but we’re human and humans love to buy stuff. Plus nothing beats the satisfaction gained from indulging our need to consume and telling ourselves we’re doing it for love.

Secondly, I hate the concept of ‘waiting’ for Mr Right to come to you (not that I even believe in Mr Right) just because that’s what women are ‘supposed’ to do. There’s nothing dignified or romantic about waiting for Mr Right. I think it’s passive, slightly archaic, borderline prudish, counterproductive and boring.

This isn’t limited to Valentine’s Day, it’s a general issue. The irony of women proclaiming their independence yet depending on men to approach them or initiate things. Then those same women wonder where all the men are. Well they’re everywhere but you’re (still) waiting for him to text you first.

"So what , you’re actually going to write a blog advocating that women make the first move on Valentine’s Day?"

‘Yes….No…. Kind of. You’re simplifying”

“But surely if he really wants to see you on Valentine’s Day, he’ll make a move? After all if he wants it he’ll come get it because if you’re on his mind all the time he’ll do all he can to get you”

You know that “if he wants you he’ll come and get you” logic? I despise it because it’s riddled with errors. It’s rooted in the assumption that the way a person behaves always indicates their intentions or feelings. Which is nonsense. For instance, I love cake. Sometimes I'll have cake a few feet away from me and I can't be bothered to get up and eat it. There's nothing wrong with the cake. The cake's perfect. If it was a bit closer, I'd gobble it up. So why don’t I? Because I'm human and lazy.

Ladies we are not cake (obviously). I’m just attempting to illustrate that humans are lazy and prone to self-sabotage, therefore we often don’t pursue the things we want. Even when we want those things desperately. Tangentially, how many women have been chased down by men, given in and suddenly the man’s ‘interest’ dissipates? Remember - action doesn’t mean interest and inaction doesn’t mean disinterest.

I also hate the arrogance behind statements that start with "If you’re on his mind all the time" How can anyone believe they’re so amazing someone sits around perpetually thinking about them? No one matters that much and no one is that interesting.

"Christiana, you’re going to have women approaching men who don’t really want them on Valentine’s Day. The men will oblige because they’re men and she’ll end up being disappointed in the long run”

At that point I gave up because she completely missed my point.

At the end of the day it’s a woman’s right to architect her love life how she pleases. Some women are passive, others active, everyone must do what suits them. However if you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day alone, don’t shy away from making the first move because you've been taught to 'wait'.


Anyway! Whatever you're doing Monday, I hope you have an amazing time : )

Christiana

xxx

P.S Cameron and his condematory coalition are planning to close my local library. It’d be great if you could sign this petition against its closure and share it within your network. Thanks so much in advance!