Hold fast to your dreams...

We have finally reached the last day of the year! I write that sentence with much joy because this hasn't been my best year. To describe 2010 as my annus horribilis would be an awful act of ingratitude. I have much to be thankful for. I am ending this year alive and healthy, things could have been very different.

If I had a choice I would have avoided much of what I have encountered this year. In hindsight I realise although this wasn't the year I wanted, it was the year I needed.

Anyway! This blog entry isn't really for philosophising or reflecting. I'm writing this blog principally for three reasons.

Firstly to say thank you to every single one of you who has continued to support to this blog throughout this year. It means a lot. The comments, emails, Facebook messages, tweets....everything! Thank you! I appreciate you all, you're an incredible group of people. For various reasons my posting has been sporadic at times and thank you for your patience. In 2011, I'm going to keep blogging, push my boundaries and write better entries for you all to read. Thanks for your support with "The Tip", which in 2011 will continue to evolve and grow, take better shape and become everything I know it can.

Secondly, I'd like to thank all the people in my life that helped me in the aftermath of my car accident. My parents, sisters, immediate family and friends, you are all amazing. Thank you for your patience, support and kindness. And though he's definitely not reading, a big thank you to my ophthalmologist. A man who has the unique ability to help his patients see the bright side, even if the outlook seems bleak.

Finally, I'd like to encourage everyone reading to try and live the life of your dreams in 2011. One of my best friend's (in my head) Blair Waldorf once said:


"Destiny is for losers. It's just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen"

I'm not sure I agree with the entire statement because I do believe some things are predestined/preordained to occur, however I understand its core. We must not live our lives as feeble spectators, hoping that things will magically transform. Life is not the X Factor, where a relative unknown reaps where they haven't sown and is catapulted from obscurity to fame overnight. In the real world there are no quantum leaps in progress. It takes dogged persistence and toiling when no one else is watching.

Bottom line is if you don't like the story your life is telling, the onus is on you to write a better story. No one said it would be easy, but it's far better than sacrificing your life at the altar of fatalism.

Langston Hughes wrote, "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly" So let's hold fast to our dreams and crucially have the courage to work towards making them our reality. Some of us have been strolling through life for too long, it's time we soar : )

To 2011, a year full of Abundance * raises mojito*

Love, Light....& Laughter

Christiana

xxx

Getting Ready for "The One"

I’d love to believe that soon the unconquerable forces; God, fate and the universe, will unite to ensure that I meet “The One”. And from that moment on two individual stories will become forever one. Sadly I don’t believe in “The One”. I wrote about why a while back, however I recently read a quote that sums up exactly how I feel on the matter….

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life….”
Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”

Just like soul mates, come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave, I believe the same for “The One”. They come to teach us what we need to learn and then depart, leaving us broken in all the right places. After they leave we meet “The One that counts”, a person who we love just as much, but differently.

There is a part of me that would like to genuinely believe in “The One” in the way everyone else seems to. To belong to that tribe filled with optimistic romantics who believe they will meet their soul mate. In the hope of being convinced otherwise I recently asked a friend, "Do you believe in the one? "Yes I believe in the one” he answered “But you have to be ready for them when they come"

His answer didn’t surprise me, but you know what got me thinking? The "you have to be ready for them when they come” part. Because whether you believe in “The One” or “The One that counts”, being ready still matters.

Funnily enough the concept of being ready is rarely mentioned when people speak about “The One” Perhaps it’s because we’re made to believe the pivotal point in our journey with “The One” is the first meeting. That moment when two people lock eyes and instantly know they’re meant to be together. However what if the pivotal point isn’t the moment when we meet “The One”? What if the real pivot is what we did with ourselves before that moment? What if happiness with “The One” doesn’t hinge on the moment, but in the sequence of events prior to it?

You see whether you believe in “The One” or “The One that counts” I’m convinced in both instances, what matters isn’t necessarily whether we meet, but being ready when we do. Which is the opposite of what we’ve been taught. We’ve been taught it’s all about finding them. That's why so many of us are obsessed with finding “The One”. We read self-help books on the laws of attraction, sign up to online dating sites, trawl Farcebook…. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But doesn’t it seem a bit futile?

Even if you’re successful in the “finding” part, when the relationship eventually implodes we conclude there was something wrong with the other party. Our friends prop us up with platitudes like “There’s something better around the corner babe”, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together”, “He was an asshole anyway” All (probably) true.

So we pour our energy into recovering from our heartbreak and eventually return to the “finding” stage. When we return to our finding adventure, we’re not that much different from the last time we embarked on it. We've learnt nothing from the last time (unless of course you count the excess emotional baggage)

The truth is many of us (myself included) have been guilty of doing things back to front. Expending energy finding “The One”, when we should be investing in ourselves and trying to get ready. So how do you get ready for “The One”? Well I can’t give instruction on how to get ready for “The One” (or “The One that counts”) simply because I am no counselor. If my EBay addiction is anything to go by I should urgently seek counsel.

Sidebar: I was recently devastated when at 1am in the morning I was outbid on a saddle. And no I don't own a horse.

Plus if I gave instruction on how to get ready for “The One” it’d be stuff like

1) Meditate to India Arie's “Ready For Love”
2) Brush your teeth and tongue thrice a day.
3) If you intend on getting drunk in public and wearing a dress with a plunging neckline, use lots of tit tape.
4) Google/Facebook stalk the heck out of men you fancy.
5) Stay waxed.

Which isn’t very useful is it? So I won’t. However I have noticed a common thread running through all those who claim to find “The One” or “The One that counts”.

They’re the type of people who believe they're so worthy of love, they started by intensely loving themselves. They were never halves waiting on “The One” to make them whole. They didn’t believe another man or woman had the power to complete them. They completed themselves.It's not as if they were narcissistic, they just truly believed they were sufficient alone. And that’s why they attracted someone willing to walk the journey of life with them. Perhaps the key to being ready is finding "The One" in yourself first.....

Love & Light

Christiana

Xxx


P.S Merry Christmas in advance. I hope you all have a day full of light, love, food and drink. Love to you and yours : )

The Journey of a 20-Something

If you’d asked me at thirteen where I saw myself a decade from then, I'm quite sure I wouldn't have described where I am now. It's with a mixture of disappointment and despair; I find myself, aged 23, not yet having achieved anything on the ambitious “to-do-list” my thirteen-year-old self formulated.

Apparently I’m an adult. On paper I’m an adult, the world looks at me like I’m an adult and on some days I feel like an adult. But my gosh, I am so not an adult.

I look around at my friends and although we’re different, we’re all going through the same phase of being “ adults but not quite adults”. Some of us are broke creatives, living on the financial edge, doing all we can to make our dream a reality. We like to think we’re on the verge of blowing up; our parents think we’re deluded and should hurry up and get a “real job”. Others are doing unpaid internships, which to the outside world seem like Sisyphean quests. However they continuously slave away, hoping their over-worked and under-sexed boss finally rewards their efforts with a job. Some of us are traveling around the world, seeking that “Eat, Pray, Love” moment, all in the effort to stall the inevitability of a 9-5.

Then there are those who were sensible and sold their soul to a soulless corporation and are being paid a hefty sum in exchange. Though their bank accounts suggest adulthood, their lifestyles are markedly different from what their parents were doing at their age.

This isn’t a trend localised to my social circle, it’s global. There are millions of us scattered across the western world. The 20-Somethings ; adults on paper and united by their choice to “avoid” becoming adults in substance.

In an article in the New York Times called “What Is It about 20-somethings?”, Robin Marantz Henig explores why we are the generation that refuses to grow up. Even wondering whether “we need to start rethinking our definition of normal development and create systems of education, health care and social supports that take the new stage into account”

Ironically we were the ones in a rush to grow up. Then we grew up and realised the process isn’t as simple or romantic as we assumed. All we want is time to figure out what the hell what we want to do. Unfortunately the time frame for finding yourself expires as soon as you complete university.When the graduation jollity subsided, and we took off our cap and gowns, suddenly we were surrounded by expectations. Expectations that we never signed up for and are not quite sure we want to meet.

We’re grappling with the world’s expectations of us whilst trying to decipher what precisely we expect of ourselves. It’s a delicate balancing act and at times it feels like we’re cartwheeling on a tightrope that’s suspended over a noisy reservoir. Constantly engaging in such an elaborate acrobatic act is tiring. Many of us have garnered reputations for being unstable dreamers who are unable to execute. Everyone’s concluded that we don’t want to grow up. They don’t understand that we want to grow up, we’re just not sure how.

At least when we were teenagers awkwardness was expected and accepted. Now we’re 20-Somethings we’re supposed to have magically grown out of our awkwardness. Since none of us really have, we've learnt clever mechanisms to conceal it. We walk around with the air of confidence and defiance, when in truth most of us are plagued by bouts of diffidence.

They didn’t warn us that part of the journey in becoming an adult, involves combat with an overpowering force. And when it seems like everything you once dreamed of achieving may never happen, that force has a voice that drowns out everything else. It gets louder with every day and perpetually reminds us "You're not good enough". What’s the force called? Self-doubt. Self-doubt is the real reason behind the 20-Somethings apparent refusal to grow up. We’re just so good at cartwheeling no-one’s noticed.

At the end of this decade, hopefully we’ll be real adults. Warehouse parties, dodgy internships, living in perpetual overdraft and questionable sexual partners, will be a thing of the past. Hopefully we will have overcome self-doubt and decided the only expectations we need to fulfill are the ones we set for ourselves. We’ll have departed from that platform that reads “Not Quite Adults” and boarded on a train marked "Real Adults" or at the very least one that reads “Finally Getting To Grips With This Life Thing.”

Despite the fact we haven’t got the best rep, I like to think of us 20-Somethings as superheros. Complex flawed beings, each in possession of a magical gift. The only thing stopping us flying are the closed doors where our capes are trapped. Maybe a decade from now they’ll be no need to board any train. Perhaps we’ll kick down the doors, cast away our burdens and fly to our destinations.

Until then, To all the 20-somethings wearing capes on their shoulders that everyone sees as chips, stand firm. I heard somewhere that things eventually get easier.


Love & Lght

xxx

Be Happy

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

Of late I’ve developed an obsession with Nicki Minaj, tech blogs and happiness. Sadly the three don’t compliment each other. I’ve reduced my rotation of Nicki Minaj’s verse on ‘Monster” to thrice a day (well an hour) and stopped reading as many tech blogs. However I can’t get this happiness thing off my mind.

Much of my fascination with happiness is linked to the fact most people are miserable. I don’t think that’s a cynical perspective I just think it’s a realistic appraisal of reality. Look around you carefully and you’ll see a lot of people behaving like they’re happy, but genuine happiness eludes them.

In my investigation into what happiness is I stumbled upon this sobering quote:

I have now reigned about 50 years in victory or peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honours, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot. They amount to fourteen. (960 C.E.)

- Abd Er-Rahman III of Spain

What a tragedy. A man who possessed everything that the world covets only had fourteen days of happiness!

Our culture has become so infected by capitalism, many people perversely link their personal happiness to how much wealth, power and respect they accumulate. When in reality these things cannot bring happiness. Ironically the country where people live longest and happiest is Costa Rica. A nation where the average person only makes about a quarter of what the average US citizen earns.

Some believe they’ll gain happiness when they find true love. “All I really want it to be happy. And to find a man that’s mine, it would be so sweet” sang Mary J Blige. Really Mary? I think a mistake a lot of people make is thinking that falling in love is the magic solution. Love comes with its own set of issues and finding “Mr. Right” is no guarantee for happiness. Your happiness levels may increase but eventually they’ll fall. Why? Because when all your happiness is dependent on another human being, their fallibility and ability to screw up, will eventually cause you misery.

If happiness isn’t found in wealth or finding true love, where can it be located? Religious people contend that true happiness is found in God. The trouble is most religious people are fixated with knowing their religion, rather than knowing God. So ironically most of them are miserable, repressed and jaded.

As far as I’m aware God does not specialise in delivering happiness packages to our doorsteps. Happiness is one of those things that God/whatever you choose to believe in, leaves us to be the custodian of.

Happiness eludes so many of us because we think that it will miraculously occur. Which is rubbish. Happiness doesn’t happen by chance, it involves hard work. We must actively seek to cultivate an environment conducive to happiness. Our happiness is our responsibility or as Lincoln put it “most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be”

I’ve made up my mind that in 2011 I intend to be happier. In anticipation of the New Year I’ve started a personal project called “Be Happy”. In the brief time of doing the project I can confirm I have been happier. Even my family and friends have remarked in the change in my demeanor.

Sidebar: That last statement may or may not be a lie. Take it or leave it.

As happiness, like shoes, is something you can never have too much of, I’d love for you all to join me in my quest for more shoes, I mean happiness. With that aim in mind I’m going to share a very simplified version of my personal project.

“Be Happy”

Step 1
Define Happiness for yourself

We all define happiness differently. At one point in my life happiness was finding a pair of heels that looked like the sex but didn’t make my toes feel like they were being amputated. Now I’m finding happiness in a reductionist approach to life. A bit like a sculptor chiselling a lump of marble to create a work of art; I’ve found that it’s not about what you add, it's about what you take away.

Bertrand Russell believed an indispensable part of happiness was “to be without some of the things you want “ On the other hand Albert Schweitzer was of the view that “ the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve” Two very different definitions of happiness, but it worked for them.


Step 2
Create a happiness principle and live by it.

My happiness principle is simply:

“Let Go. Hold On”

I believe life’s nothing more than what you decide to let go of and what you choose to hold on to. Now everything in my life is placed into one of those two categories; “Let Go” or “Hold On”. It’s a way of cutting away the bad and cherishing the good.

I found this principle helpful as I’m the type of person that can (over) think themselves into a state of anxiety. Now when I’m feeling worried or fearful I ask myself “Are you going to let go of this thing or hold on to it?”

Step 3
Write your happiness commandments.

My (latest) girl crush is a woman called Gretchen Rubin. The brilliant mind behind the book “The Happiness Project”, her life and work has inspired much of my “Be Happy” project. When you get the time read her book and blog. You won’t regret it. She’s the best thing since Nicki Minaj.

Sidebar: Fret not! This Nicki Minaj obsession is a phase. Probably, maybe, not really. Just bear with me.....

In Gretchen’s blog she writes about creating personal happiness commandments to live by. You can read her commandments and tips on designing your own → here.

I’ve been spending the past few weeks putting mine together and hopefully in a few months I’ll have my 10 happiness commandments. I picked the number 10 because I like the idea of having my own Decalogue (because I’m gangster like that).

I’ve been bouncing around ideas in my head and I thought I’d share a few commandments that could potentially make the final cut.

"Remember the past but do not dwell there, face the future where all our hopes stand" Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

“Be Kind”

"You are enough"

“Love continuously”

"Eat (more) cake without feeling guilty"

“Seek progress, not perfection”

“Embrace vulnerability, what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful” Brené Brown

“Stop judging yourself and others”

“Live your dream and wear your passion”

“Forgive”

Since I’m still collecting ideas for my commandments I’d like to ask….

What would your happiness principle be?

And

What would your happiness commandments be?

Please share your ideas in the comment section because
a) I’m going to steal the ones that take my fancy
b) They’ll be useful for anyone else that decides to join me on the “Be Happy” quest.
c) You’re a pretty deep/intelligent/amazing bunch of people and I love reading your comments.

Can’t wait to read your ideas and before I forget * raises cocktail to an incredibly happy 2011 *


Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

P.S At the risk of an information overload if you get a chance watch this TED talk by Brené Brown, another one of my (latest) girl crushes. I guarantee that this 20-minute talk will help you for a lifetime.

Social Media & Dating: Are we revealing too much?

Before I start today’s post….

1) If you have some spare time over Christmas, please sign up to volunteer with Crisis at one of their homeless shelters. I volunteered last year and intend on doing so this year. Well worth the experience!

2) I was recently part of the "What Women Want: Blogger Special" over at “The Style King”.You can read about my Kanye obsession, tan brogues fetish, dislike of trainers and other stuff by clicking here.

Right…. today’s blog entry!

Ever since I started blogging the statement, "Please don't blog about this evening”, is the phrase I’m most likely to hear at the end of a date. Normally I respond with “Do you think you’re that interesting?” History has proven that’s not to be the best thing to say following a pleasant(ish) evening.

Funnily enough bar a few exceptions I’ve never felt the need to base a blog post around a single date. I may allude to a disastrous or spectacular date in passing, but it’s rare that I dedicate an entire post to one man.

For me dates are to be endured rather than enjoyed. They’re an overrated social exercise where we behave like the version of ourselves that we’d like people to believe we are. Dates are perfunctory with limited utility and unless they involve Thai food and cupcakes, I despise them. I also despise chronicling them (sometimes).

After reassuring the gentlemen I wouldn’t blog about our evening, he sat back in his chair noticeably calmer. I did ask if it was ok for me to blog about his request not to be blogged about. He obliged, clearly more comfortable with inspiring a blog post, rather than being at its epicenter.

The “please don’t blog about this” request has got me thinking about social media and how it impacts our relationships, specifically how we date. Social media is a recent phenomena and I think many social commentators are overvaluing its significance. Some claim social media has transformed who we are and how we live, I disagree. It’s quickened the pace by which we can access and broadcast information. On a superficial level it’s enhanced our interconnectedness. Though this interconnectedness is overestimated and deceptive. We are no more (inter)connected, than we were 10 years ago. We’re just behaving in a way that mimics genuine connection so frequently we believe that our ties are authentic.

People are confusing “interactions” with “connections”. All we’re doing is interacting, not connecting. Our interactions create weak ties (at best), but we’re not forming the connections necessary to develop real bonds. If anything the illusion of (inter)connectedness is disconnecting us from “real relationships”. Fundamentally we’re the same people we were before the social media explosion. It hasn’t changed us. Social media has simply revealed who we always were and given us a stage to perform in all our flawed glory.

What social media has done is to make us extremely exposed. We are probably the most overexposed generation ever. Most of us signed up to this exposure voluntarily. However what about people being exposed involuntarily?

I've watched women "live tweet" during disastrous dates. It makes hilarious viewing but blurs line between the public and private. There’s no malicious intent behind the tweets, sometimes a date is so crap you need to share it with someone to stay sane. On the other hand, no matter how disastrously the other party behaved, they didn’t sign up to being publicly scrutinised or ridiculed.

Asking what we can or can’t say about our love lives on social media platforms is a redundant question. There is no internet police. It’s a realm of complete freedom where we can say what we want. However what should we say? Well that’s tricky territory.

I remember once reading a blog post a young woman wrote about finally leaving an ex-boyfriend who had apparently cheated, lied and been the kind of human being you’d freely give up for a human sacrifice. It was obvious that the woman found writing the post therapeutic and empowering. The comments alone demonstrated her readers found the post empowering.

In my opinion, no matter how useless her ex-boyfriend was/is, the one-sideness of the post and the addition of pictures, made that blog post borderline slanderous. I know if someone had written that blog post about me, I would have sued. Actually who am I kidding? I wouldn’t sue (unless you can pay for your legal fees in clothes). I’d threaten to sue for dramatic effect and then leave them to the universe.

So what’s the solution? Do we gag ourselves? No. Self-censorship in aid of being sensitive to others is overrated. Furthermore it stifles creativity and individuality. It would also make the internet a really boring place.

However we should be careful. Not because you might write a blog post about a crazy ex and he turns up at your door naked carrying a whip and a box of red velvet cupcakes. (Not that that’s a fantasy of mine or anything….) But simply because though we’re young now, one day we'll be old. And on than wretched day, when we're able to tie our (saggy) breasts around our necks to use an emergency scarf, we may wish we hadn't publicly chronicled so much of our love lives.

So the next time someone says to me “I’d rather you not blog about this evening”, I think I may just respond with “No problem”.


Love & Light

xxx