The Stringent Criteria

Before I get started with today’s post I’m going to do a shameless plug. A few months ago I did a photo shoot and interview for an online magazine called ‘WWIT’. You can read the full feature here. I’d like to say a big thank you to the editor Dennis Lye and stylist Ivie for putting it together.

Right on to today’s topic!

Whilst Facebook browsing with a good friend, (browsing being an euphemism for stalking), we stumbled on a rather interesting Facebook status. In the status the young lady started off by boldly proclaiming she was through with ‘wastemen’

Sidebar: For those that don’t know a ‘wasteman’ is colloquialism for a man with little prospects and delusions of grandeur. It’s a subjective term that's often used in vain. Recent research has demonstrated that one woman’s wasteman is another woman’s demi-God. (There’s a massive possibility I’m lying about the recent research).

Despite my suspicion I was reading a status that would spark a futile internet debate (one I’d feel compelled to follow until something better cropped up), I kept reading. The young women went on to list the qualities she expects her next boyfriend to possess. In a rather brazen move, (brazen being an euphemism for stupid) she decided to specify the minimum amount she expects her next boyfriend to earn. Initially, the status generated a massive number of likes and comments, as her friends congratulated on her decision to ‘aim higher’.

Fast-forward an hour later, my friend and I are still browsing the internet (seriously we’re browsing now not stalking…) and the status update has sparked an e-conflict of Cold War proportions. A few people had taken personal offence at the salary she listed and validly pointed out how much a man earns has no direct bearing on his character. They also stated suggesting there’s a correlation between high income and character (which she later implied) would be a disservice to the millions of men who don’t earn that much but are great fathers, uncles, brothers, friends etc.

Unfortunately they didn’t quite express their points in this manner. The young lady was called a ‘gold digging bitch’ and the debate quickly descended into an exchange of insults.

Sidebar: Funnily enough I recently had a discussion with my aunt and told her I thought some of her opinions were borderline gold diggerish. Her response? * Nigerian accent * ‘What do you want me to dig for? Copper?’

The sheer tackiness of publicly stating how much you expect a man to earn aside, I had no issue with the traits the young lady listed. They were nothing more than an expression of her personal choice. If tomorrow she decides she wants a man who dresses up as power ranger on the weekends and licks car windows as a hobby, I’d feel worried about the state of her mind, but I'd defend her right to do so.

In all the madness of the debate not one person asked the question that sprung to my mind as soon as I read status…

‘So you’d like all of these traits in a man however…. what do YOU have to offer?’

It’s all well and good sitting around writing down the traits you want your ‘dream man’ to have. All the New Age ‘your love life is crap,let’s make it less crap!’ books recommend it and I do think it’s important to record in writing what you want in life. However here’s something that people miss. We attract what we are. People naturally gravitate towards people who are on the same wavelength as them. Sure they are (slight) differences, but when it comes down to the fundamentals e.g. how we view the world and choose to live our lives, there must be alignment. If you don’t possess any of the traits you desire in your ‘dream’ partner, writing your list is the equivalent of drafting your personal statement for your application to Hogwarts.

Later on in the debate someone coldly pointed out that the young woman didn’t have 50% of the things she wanted in a man. For crying out loud! If you’re going to have a stringent criteria (and publish it publicly) you must.....

a) Already meet this criteria
b) Be actively working on meeting the criteria

If a or b aren’t true, when you meet the person that does meet your stringent criteria, they’d be well within their right to overlook you for not meeting their ‘standards’. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t insist a man drives a Range Rover, if your current method of transportation is a big fat red public limo also known as a bus.

We’re all within our rights to have high standards, but if we fail to match them ourselves, cleaving to them like they’re gospel is hypocritical, arrogant and about as intelligent as Soulja Boy’s lyrics. To all those that disagree…I sincerely hope you enjoy your first term at Hogwarts.

Love & Light

xxx

A Healthy Body or A 'Perfect' Body?

The awareness that my body was something I should worry about came at age 7. My school had implemented annual health checks on its pupils and one day I was summoned to an office. There I found my mother in tears and a solemn nurse. I don’t remember the exchange between my mother and the nurse, but I remember the nurse pointing to a chart, which indicated I was relatively underweight.

Up until then my parents hadn’t been bothered by the fact I was a naturally thin child. However for a brief period after my parents attempted to get my weight up.

Sidebar: I think it was a pride thing. (African) Parents aren't fans of being summoned to school offices (unless it's to be told their child's the brightest in the class).

I remember feeling outraged that a nurse’s opinion had disrupted our implicit social contract. My parents had once understood I was the child who only ate when she felt hungry. I would much rather devour books than chocolates. Therefore they would buy me books as a treat. Being force fed pounded yam and egusi soup, was not part of our arrangement.

Sidebar: This force- feeding was made all the more traumatic by the fact I wasn't allowed to chew pounded yam. Apparently you're supposed to swallow it. * shudders at the memory *

Although my mother and I now laugh at those days, the experience left an indelible mark on my mind. The worry I absorbed in the nurse’s office caused me to conclude my body was something I should be worried about. I needed to care about my physique because my body was the lens through which the world would view me. Finally, I concluded there must be a ‘perfect’ body that a girl could have and be accepted.

As an adult I’ve realised that my pessimistic conclusions were accurate. Despite the spread of feminist ideals, we live in a society where a woman’s identity is rarely distinguished from her body. In fact a woman’s body is often a tool with which many draw superficial conclusions about her character, attractiveness and sexuality. Flick through fashion magazines and you’ll realise the implicit message is that the ‘perfect’ body is a thin one. With so many successful women (specifically celebrities) being thin, it’s very easy to see why some young girls believe being thin is a prerequisite of success.

The discourse surrounding the ‘perfect’ body is more complicated for young black women. Whilst the mainstream remains enamoured by the ‘size zero’ physique, black women are exposed to a subculture where the expectation is she should be voluptuous. Whilst it’s good there’s a subculture where physiques usually pushed to the periphery are celebrated, the problem is the ‘curvy black woman’ is one-dimensional. Furthermore it fails to reflect the hybrid of physiques (and tastes) that exist within the black community.

A friend of mine recently expressed her joy at the fact the size zero body seemed to be being edged out by the ‘Kim Kardashian’ mould. Personally I think the contradictory ‘perfect’ body messages simply add to the confusion and pressure, rather than create balance. Whatever body type the media celebrates (whether a curvy Kim K or frail Lindsay Lohan), the common denominator is it’s physically flawless. However most women aren’t physically flawless and are unable to attain and maintain the ‘perfect’ body, no matter what it looks like. Despite this, many young women are on a futile quest to attain the ‘perfect’ body, whether it’s via constant dieting, working out excessively or surgical methods.

We’ve internalised so many messages about our bodies, it’s become almost impossible to distil what we want, from what they tell us we should be. Consequently a young woman’s relationship with her body can often be about everyone else but herself. You’d think the fact that women’s magazines are run by woman would help matters. Instead the women who run these magazines seem to be leading the movement that wants all women to hate their bodies. ‘Get Your Bikini Bod’ the headline screams. ‘Dump Your Love Handles’, ‘Duck Tape Your Jelly Belly’ (ok the last one was an exaggeration….). When I pick up a woman’s magazine, I’m more likely to read about how to modify the appearance of my body, not how to maintain (or increase) the health of the body I already have.

Yet funnily enough when it comes down to it, it’s health that really matters.

Sidebar: Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s dealing with a serious health issue whether they still care about cellulite or bit of back fat.

Rather than obsessing over our hip to waist ratio or whether our stomachs are flat enough, or natural ways to get bigger breasteses * hangs head *….our focus should be on what’s going on internally. The real questions we should be asking ourselves are: Am I living and eating in a way that ensures I have the best quality of life possible? and ‘How do change my lifestyle to optmisise the chances of me having a healthy body and long life span?’

Whilst it’s unlikely we’ll be able to take control of a media that insists on putting a disproportionate emphasis on body type, what we can do is take control of our health. Until we do this many of us will remain on a futile journey where we foolishly value aesthetic over our health.

The choice is yours. What do you want, a healthy body? Or a 'perfect' one?

Christiana

xxx

No Constraints

One day I woke up and realised I had changed. I didn’t notice when the changes were occurring. Change is rarely as dramatic as people make it out to be. Like ageing, it’s a subtle process. It’s happening every day but since we’re not looking out for it, we don’t spot it.

Although the changes were incremental their impact was monumental. I realised that I was going to contradict my (old) self because I no longer believed what I once held as gospel. I began blogging with caution, afraid of making bold statements about my beliefs. I didn’t have a problem with contradicting myself. I had a problem with what people would say when I contradicted myself, knowing that the likelihood was I’d be accused of hypocrisy and inconsistency. I didn’t have the time (or will) to explain to people that what they interpreted as hypocrisy and inconsistency was a sign of evolution.

For a while I plodded on, writing and living in a timid manner, then after discussing my dilemma with a friend she asked….

‘How would you live if you thought no one was paying attention?’

I was unable to articulate how exactly I’d live, but I knew wanted the sense of freedom such a life offered. I decided I'd rather live with freedom and be mocked for who I am, than conform and be embraced for who I’m not. So over the past few months I’ve been on a journey to liberate myself from those intangible constraints I'd allowed to define my life for so long.

Speaking to other people, it became apparent I wasn’t the only one who felt the impact of intangible constraints. The truth is at some point in our lives most of us have allowed what we think people will say or what they’ve actually said, to constrain our actions.

It doesn’t matter if it’s criticism or praise, what others say has the ability to sway our paths in such an insidious manner, we’re often unaware we’re being influenced. The likelihood is after hearing scathing criticism; we’ll feel discouraged, despondent and diffident. Criticism handled badly can become seeds that plant themselves in the back of our minds. If we don’t uproot them, the seeds begin to germinate. Eventually they grow into huge plants with voices of their own. They scream loudest in those moments when we’re contemplating taking a leap and making a change in our lives. In turn of us many of us give up before we've started. We convince ourselves ‘the time isn’t right’, ‘we’re not ready’ or even worse ‘I’m not good enough’. Forgetting history is littered with individuals who rose to greatness despite people telling them otherwise.

On the other hand if we’re constantly told how are amazing we are, human nature dictates we’ll start to believe our own hype.

Sidebar: The exceptions to the rule are those surrounded by people who temper the sycophants and actively seek to remain humble.

We become complacent and no longer seek to push the frontiers of our ability. Initially our growth slows, then it plateaus and eventually it diminishes.

The more I thought about how what others says has the ability to dictate our path, the more I began to question my decisions. Was I doing things because of what people said to me? Was I deliberately living in a way that pre-empted the criticism that came with standing out? Or were my actions truly authentic to who I was?Upon the discovery that too much of my life was being dictated by people that didn’t matter, I decide to rebel by becoming indifferent. Whether I heard scathing criticism or praise, I chose not to care.

Although this route immunised me against getting hurt, it had its downsides. I realised I needed to find a balance between living life the way I wanted to, not caring too much about what people think and being open to words that could change me for the better.

Eventually I found a method. It’s not perfect, but since this is the most balanced I’ve felt in years (I think the jogging and meditating helps!), I thought I’d share the steps on here.

3 Steps to Destroying Intangible Constraints

1) Figure out what matters to you and pursuit it

Want to learn how not to swayed by others? Find your purpose and run after it.

Growing up my dad told me the things that are long lasting, beneficial and able to survive after you’re gone, are those driven by a purpose. The problem was I didn’t understand what purpose was. It was such a grand and almost esoteric term, for years I didn’t bother trying to figure out what mine was. Eventually I came to define purpose for myself. I found the areas in which I wanted to achieve were the things I was passionate about. I found my ‘purpose’ in my passion and in turn my passion energised my purpose. Figuring out what you want and pursuing that wholeheartedly, gives life such meaning it drowns out all other distractions.

Sidebar: If you’ve already found what matters to you and/or your purpose, cherish and cultivate it.


2) Block out the noise

A while back I wrote a post about our mind’s being our greatest asset. See Here.The emphasis in that post was placed on us investing in our minds. However I missed the fact our investment needs to be protected.

We have to be careful what we allow to ‘live’ in our minds. Most people live a life ruled by fear and are resistant to change. As a result of this they project their fears and limits on others. Unless we learn how to guard our minds against the negativity energy, we’ll always be at risk of falling off track. Learn to block out the noise and stay focused on your task. And if you haven’t found a ‘task’ expend your energy finding one, which is healthier than meditating on negative words.

3) Decide whose opinion you value

Some of us have an intuitive ‘hierarchy’ of opinions. We already know whose words we hold in esteem and whose we take with a pinch of salt. However sometimes we forget ourselves and pay attention to the sycophants and ignore the warnings of those who love us. (Or we may amplify the curses of those who don’t know us and ignore the reassurance of those who truly care).

The bottom line is we must decide whose opinions we value and take the time to remind us ourselves. Since we’re giving these people the authority to speak into our lives, we must be careful who we give authority to. The swiftness with which old friends can become new enemies is one of life’s tragedies. However if we pick the right people, living life with intangible constraints could soon be a distant memory.


Christiana

xxx

5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back

Growing up I used to watch with awe when the women in my family debated. I marveled at their intelligence, sense of humour and ability to passionately articulate their opinions. They had a habit of debating so intensely they’d forget I was in the room. I was a precocious child so eventually I would reveal my presence by offering my view. Immediately I would be shooed out the room. Dejected, I’d sigh inwardly, knowing a loud sigh would mean being shot dirty looks. The most frightening look would be the one from my mum, which was code for ‘I’m going to deal with you when our guests go home, but if you do anything else I will twist your ears in public’.

Things are different now. I’ve crossed the invisible border, to a land where my mum no longer twists my ears and topics the matriarchs used to shield me from are now discussed in my presence.

Yesterday evening, while sitting around the dining room table with my mum, aunt and sisters, the shift in family dynamic was all the more apparent. Initially we were discussing benign topics. Suddenly we landed on a contentious topic (ironic considering the post I wrote a few days ago).

‘If a man says he’s changed, should a woman take him back?’

My mum and aunt belong to the school of redemption. They believe that if a man demonstrates that he’s attempting to change, it’s worth a woman considering giving it a shot. Especially if there are children involved.

In the words of my mother….

“The day I write off another human being, I've written off myself. Redemption is always possible. People are too easy to give up on each other nowadays. You can’t just give up at the first hurdle. Everyone deserves a second chance’"

I agreed with elements of my mum and aunt’s logic ,although I think the fact that they're mothers means they think differently from me. Mothers have the capacity to sacrifice their happiness if they think it will help their children. At present I'm far too single (and selfish) to truly empathise with this approach to life.

My main objection to their approach lies with the fact that when we discuss this matter, the sinister subtext is it is a woman's duty (rather than her right) to grant a man second chance . Apparently a woman ‘owes’ it to herself to try and make even the most toxic of relationships work. This perverse idea is a legacy of the fact that prior to the advancement of feminism, women were made to be subservient. Decades later, western women are fully emancipated yet due to external pressures, they persist in being in relationships where they're made to feel devalued.

During yesterday's debate I was pretty much overruled by the weight of wisdom and experience in the room. I'd spent the day binge eating with my goddaughter and my body was so laden with carbs I could barely think clearly. Today’s blog post is inspired by yesterday’s debate and is my attempt to make up for my poor performance.

Ideally the post would be called '5 reasons why you should take him back' unfortunately our world is far from ideal. Considering the number of women who are in toxic relationships (or have friends or family in such a situation) I think it would be borderline irresponsible to write such a post.

Someone recently commented on my Facebook status claiming my blogs are 'anti-male and anti-relationships'. I didn't dial into the debate because I knew it would generate more heat than light. So I'm aware writing this post makes me vulnerable to accusations of being anti-men.Even though my hearbeat (love you dad!) is a man and posts like this demonstrate that isn't the case, I'd just like to emphasise this post isn't an attack against men in general. This post is simply written with the hope that a woman who's settling will grasp the fact she has options and consider taking a different path.

5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back

1) You have One life

Before we make any crucial decision in life I think we must acknowledge two things we often forgot. Firstly, all of this * points around head * is temporary. Nothing is eternal and it’ll all be over before we know it. Secondly, we get one chance to experience life.Unless you succumb to fear, remembering those two things should propel you towards making the better decision.

We might as well attempt to live in the way we dreamed we could. It's better than wasting days frantically worrying and nights sleeping on pillows soaked in tears. You deserve to live the best version of your life possible. Do you really want to spend your precious time with someone that doesn’t value you?


2) You’re Worth More

The chances are you've probably read some variant of 'You're worth more' message somewhere else. You've heard it so many times you dismiss it as a banal cliche. Which is unsurprising, the amount of New-Age psychobabble women are bombarded with I do think cynicism is the intelligent reaction. However, just because a phrase is ubiquitous doesn't mean it's false. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ‘pretty’, ‘skinny’ or ‘popular’ enough. You’re worth more. Breakaway and allow yourself to find someone that agrees.

3) There's no incentive for him to change as long as you stay

If you really believe he has a good core (despite his actions demonstrating otherwise) I will trust your judgment and respect your right to be tormented. Threatening to leave will change nothing. Contrarily, stubbornly refusing to take him back is more likely to create the conditions for improvement.

4) Single and lonely > Depressed with a companion

It’s better for a woman walk alone and deal with random pangs of loneliness, than have a man and live with constant depression.

5) You Can't Change Him

If you're considering taking a man back because you believe you can change him, I’m going to be the bearer of bad news. You cannot change him. No human has the power to make someone else change. On a good day we may be able to catalyse change,but none of us can cause it. Genuine, long lasting change begins within a person and spills outwards. Not the other way round.


Christiana

xxx

Is it cheating if you're on a 'break'?

“Hi Christiana, My boyfriend cheated on me whilst we were on a break. I found out through a mutual friend of ours and when I confronted him he admitted everything. Now we both really want to get back together but I can’t forgive him for betraying me the way he did. He says because we were on break he doesn’t think it was cheating. I feel like he did because I don’t think the point of a break is to see other people. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?’

Initially when I read this email I delayed responding because I was afraid of giving the wrong advice. The politics of cheating is a rather delicate issue and diplomacy isn't my strongest point. Also my mum recently said..

‘There are crazy people out there be careful someone doesn’t sue after reading (bad) advice on your blob’

(Yes she still calls my blog a blob.)

Although my mother’s words echo in my mind every time I write (thanks mum!), I'm reassured by the words of Erica Jong

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t’

A quote I’ve personalised into….

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know what we’re going to do, but we pretend we’re open to suggestion’

Therefore I’m taking comfort in the fact that being sued is unlikely because my advice will probably be discarded.

DISCLAIMER: My ‘estate’ comprises of clothes, a few bags of emergency weave stashed in a secret place and shoes my mum thinks are only fit for low-grade prostitutes. Unless you’re a size 8, in desperate need of yaki and contemplating moonlighting as a hooker, suing me won’t bring dividends.

Do you think he was cheating?

A while go my friend and I had the ‘what is cheating?’ debate. My friend was lamenting the fact he was dating a girl who deemed ‘intense flirting and inappropriate text messages’ as cheating, as it indicated ‘the intention to cheat, which is just as bad as the deed in itself’. As extreme as her logic is, it demonstrates that the cheating line is arbitrary and relative to the individuals involved.

Since we were bored and borderline inebriated we decided to come up with a one-size-fits-all definition of what cheating is

“‘If you wouldn’t do or say it in the other person's presence, it's probably cheating or will lead to cheating”

If I crudely applied our definition to this scenario, it could be argued the guy cheated. He had violated his ‘girlfriend’s’ trust, knowing that if she were in the vicinity he wouldn’t have proceeded with his actions. If I were being brutal, I’d tell her to move on. After all there are billions of single men in the world, a significant number of them willing and able to remain celibate during ‘breaks’. Except nothing in life is that black and white, and it’s by examining the shades of grey we become enlightened.

The Grey Area

This issue isn’t her boyfriend’s decision to ‘cheat’; the real issue can be traced back to their mutual decision to go on a break. I despise breaks. Instead of having the guts to decide whether to stick at it or split, we decide to wallow in indecisiveness using a ‘break’ as a shield. In short breaks are simply a method of deferring the inevitable.

The problem is, during the deferral period no one quite knows how they’re supposed to behave. Do you act like a couple who communicate less? Or do you act like you're single? Or is a break a chance to be single when you feel like it? Due to all of these unnecessary questions I only advocate breaks if people agree to sign a binding contract outlining the terms and conditions. If the contract is violated both parties will face severe ramifications. Wait…I think they've got a name for those kinds of contracts, yes that would be marriage!

Many reading this will argue breaks can be beneficial. They may even claim a break made their relationship stronger. However the chances are you're still together in spite of the break, not because of it. Those who believe ‘breaks’ change things are a bit like the thousands of misguided educators who think suspension, detention and expulsion can reform students. They don’t. In fact they often exacerbate the underlying issues. And scenarios such as the one we’re discussing illustrate that the costs of a break going wrong far outweigh the benefits of a break going right.

Since they were on a break, technically he wasn’t cheating. However what’s technically the case is irrelevant when a woman feels hurt and betrayed. The question ‘was he cheating?’ is redundant as the damage has already been done. The real question is the one she needs to ask herself: ‘Do I think I’ll be able to get over this incident?’.

What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?

Despite my reservations with breaks one of their benefits is that they’re a chance explore yourself and find out what you really need. It’s basically like being single but you have an insurance plan if you decide to change your mind. Since you’re on a break you might as well stay on a break. It would be quixotic to think if you got back together now it could work out.

My motto is 'when in doubt wait'. Immediate action after a crisis is overrated. Take time to discover if he matches your needs and if you’re the best woman for him. Furthermore if you eventually take him back, make sure you have the capacity to trust him wholly. It wouldn’t be fair to take him back yet persist in holding on to the past.

I’ve said how I feel, now I'd love to hear your views. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think she should do? Should she take him back? Let me know!

Christiana

xxx

When Quitting Is The Better Option

I never understood those who lived their lives plagued by worrisome thoughts. I concluded they didn’t have anything better to do with their time. Why would anyone willingly feed their irrational fears with negative visions that are unlikely to come to pass? Yet in the past few months I've finally come to understand how worry can strangle your existence.

You see my car accident turned me into a worrier. The incident showed me that being a ‘good person’ doesn’t protect against the caprice of the universe. I began to worry about what was around the corner. I didn’t worry about my injuries regressing or whether I would ever recover. Instead I worried about my family and all those I loved. What if they were in a plane crash? Or worse another car accident? What if someone I loved got cancer? Or malaria? (pretty impossible when we live in London!). And on those really bleak days I found myself crying about things that hadn’t even occurred.

The most humbling aspect of my journey to overcome worry, is finally grasping that many people carry burdens in silence. These burdens, commonly known as ‘issues’, hang around our necks, weighing us down. They affect every aspect of our life, yet we’ve become so skilled in concealing them, they’re invisible to the world. Their invisibility means on the good days we fool ourselves into believing they’re no longer there. But they are.

On the surface we seem happy. "How are you?" they ask. "Great!" we answer. When in fact we're far from great. We’ve simply buried and bottled things that need to be dealt with and released. We’re being handicapped by things we don’t have the courage to share with anyone. So we limp through life perpetually misunderstood. Some of us have been called a ‘bitch’, ‘prick’, ‘asshole’, ‘idiot’, labels the world places on people whose spirits are poisoned by the puss that festers within invisible wounds.

If we live with an issue long enough, eventually we begin to suffer from a type of Stockholm Syndrome. In a tragic irony, our worst enemy becomes our best friend and the issue that enslaves us becomes the thing keeping us alive. We conclude the constant shadow of negativity over our existence proves at least there’s still light. Sadly, the ‘light’ is rarely alluring enough for us to breakaway from our current state.

Imagine…Just for a moment…. You decided to Quit holding on to the issues that make you less than you really are. Imaging you let it all go. The baggage, diffidence, eating disorder, boyfriend that treats you like crap, daddy issues, addiction, anger, self-hatred, insecurity, malice, resentment, deep dark secrets of childhood abuse, worry….. whatever it is. What if one day we all just Quit.

I’m aware quitting is contrary to everything we’re fed in a society obsessed with success. Many of us have made "Never Quit" and “Don’t Give Up’ our mantras. We courageously finish every expedition we embark on because quitting is the mark of weakness. However, has it ever crossed your mind that quitting is a sign of great strength? It takes a certain boldness to decide that the path you're walking down isn’t working, so you turn around, not caring what others say or think of you.

When we eventually turn around, we discover that most people don't care that much about what we do. Sure a few will gossip for a while, but for the most part whether we choose to live mediocre lives or great ones, people are too self-obsessed to notice. That’s why I think we should Quit living with our issues. However big or small, whatever it is, let it go. If you're scared of what people will think, don't worry. They don't care that much!

In a moment we can resolve to take the crucial first step. Quit. Let it go.

Deciding to ‘Quit’ isn’t an end in itself; it’s simply a means to an end. And the end is a place where we’re free from the things that used to bind us. Yet if we don’t take that powerful first step defeating our demons is all but a distant dream.

If/when you decide to quit, confide in someone who loves you about what you’ve been carrying and how you’ve decided to abandon it. Accountability is key in the journey to overcome our issues. When we're accountable to no one, the temptation to return to our old domicile is often impossible to fight. So tell someone who cares.

There is another option, a safer route. We can decide to stay where we’ve always been and let our issues suffocate us, leaving us with just enough air to survive. Until we exist in a space where we’re alive but not truly living, surviving, rather than thriving.

The choice is ours.

We can remain where we are or take the steps towards being where we should be. Which will you choose?

Christiana

xxx

Are expensive dates worth it?

A while back I agreed to go on a date. Considering my first interaction with the young man convinced me he posed a threat to society, it wasn’t the wisest decision to agree. However when I agreed I gave a non-binding ‘yes of course we’ll do dinner sometime….’ reply. Despite my vague response a few days later I received a text with the address of a restaurant and the date/time of a dinner reservation. I thought it was a slightly abrasive approach to dating but our mutual friend assured me that he was being ‘assertive’.

In spite of my reservations I decided it would be dishonourable to cancel the date due to ‘period pains’.

Sidebar: Period pains were the easiest way of getting out of P.E in Secondary School. 10 years later and I still use the same excuse to avoid doing things I don’t want to do. What that says about me….I don’t know.

I’d recently purchased an oversized blazer with pockets big enough to conceal a rape alarm and penknife (I’m joking about the penknife part…)(I lied that I was joking). So I concluded that as I’d be well dressed and semi-armed there was no real harm in showing up.

Just before I left my house I decided to Google the restaurant. My mouth dropped when I saw the prices.

Sidebar: According to my ‘stiletto price index’ (I peg everything against the price of shoes) the meal could pay for a few pairs of sexy shoes.

I’ve never been a fan of expensive restaurants. In light of the fact we excrete everything we consume, the food never seems to taste good enough justify the exorbitant price. I think it’s the prestige attached to dining in such establishments that attract its clientele, rather than the quality of the food itself. However I wasn’t paying, so I wasn’t complaining.

The evening started well but as soon as the food arrived the date proceeded to go downhill. I’ve never been a big fan of food and have always eaten for survival rather than enjoyment (No Anorexia). What’s even more problematic is the fact my spirit is liberal but my palate is prejudiced.

Sidebar: This prejudice extends to food from my own culture, I’m not a fan of English/Nigerian cuisine * ducks from virtual bullets *

I tried to eat up and failed. I then proceeded to shove food around my plate to make it seem like I’d eaten.Unsurprisingly, bar a text to find out if I got home ok, after that evening I never heard from the young man again.

Fast forward a few months later and I ran into our mutual friend. He asked me why I thought things had dwindled after one date. I stated I suspected his friend had incorrectly concluded I was bitch with an eating disorder and was (understandably) annoyed that I’d wasted his money. I was wrong.

It seems the main source of his annoyance was the fact I didn’t seem impressed by the restaurant. Now I vividly recall saying and texting ‘thank you for a lovely evening’, because I appreciated the effort he'd made. However I refuse to give a man points just because a restaurant is expensive. My parents taught me to receive every gift with an equal amount of gratitude, irrespective of its price. That idea has been transplanted into my dating philosophy. I don’t get hung up on the price of the date or the prestige of my surroundings; wherever I end up I’m just grateful for the effort and sacrifice made.

The problem is, the young man has bought into the myth that all women are so materialistic spending a lot of money on a date is enough to ensure a date turns out well. When in actual fact there’s little or no correlation between the price of the date and the quality/outcome of the evening. There’s a great pressure placed on men to spend a lot on dates (some bankrupting themselves in the process), however just because it costs a lot, doesn’t mean it’s going to be valuable. Ironically the elements that make dates enjoyable are free. Elements such as being able to conduct a stimulating conversation, being attentive, responsive, engaging, entertaining, witty, funny, none of which can be bought or faked.

When I expressed my stance on this topic to a friend she said......

‘Well I think if you blog about this you’re sending out the wrong message. Women are worth and deserve the best, that includes the luxury of expensive dates.”.

I was bewildered by her response. When did the worth of a woman become contingent on how much is spent on her? Does that mean if a man takes me to Nando's he thinks I’m worth less, and by accepting his offer I automatically become less? I think the ‘I deserve expensive dates because I’m worth it’ idea reinforces the perverse logic that a woman’s worth can be quantified. And the day a woman uses how much a man spends on her as the yardstick with which she measures her self-worth, she’s no longer worth much because she’s devalued herself.

My opinion is that men (or women) shouldn’t spend an excessive amount on dates because the factors that really matter are free. However it doesn't matter what I think because many will continue to bankrupt themselves unnecessarily.

Considering the nature of this post it’ll probably come as no surprise that one of the best dates I’ve ever been on cost absolutely nothing. Then again that doesn't lend further credence to my theory as it could have been a complete fluke. So what's your view? Are expensive dates worth it? Should a woman be impressed by a man who spends more? Or is it all dependent on the people involved? As ever please weigh in!

Christiana

xxx