An Army of Friends

I’ve started to see life as a battle. I developed this rather hobbesian view of life when I began to encounter issues. Not the melodramatic self-inflicted issues I thrived off in my teenage years, I’m speaking about real issues. These issues changed my outlook.I finally realised life is not easy and people rarely thrive by accident. Though some are the beneficiaries of nepotism or what the world labels as "luck" (which is often years of unseen hard work intersecting with an opportunity), most successful people have had to fight.

The fact is if you want to win in life you have to fight. ‘Fighting’ involves investing in our characters so we develop virtues like discipline, tenacity, humility etc, which in turn maximise our chance of winning. However we cannot possibly win the fight alone. We’ve got to have an army.

In theory our army should comprise of our friends and family. We can't pick our family, but we can pick our friends. The funny thing is, though we choose our friends we often do an awful job. Many of us have unwittingly surrounded ourselves with people who could cause our downfall. We don’t view our friends as an army, so we fail to regularly inspect them. Consequently in our times of need we find ourselves drawing from poor resources.

Sidebar: I’ve previously spoken about methods of ascertaining who are friends are. See –‘The Friendship Detox’

Whilst discussing the concept of ‘an army of friends' with a friend of mine, he asked a thought provoking question......

'If we could create the ideal character profiles of the friends we need in our army and those we need to cut, what would they be?’

After his question we spent the next half hour or so bouncing ideas off each other. We came up with so many ideas we concluded it was a blog post worthy topic. Here it goes.....

An Army Of Friends

The friends we need to keep.

1) The Ride or Die
They may not be very popular or particularly interesting, however they’re loyal and have a pure heart. This type of loyalty cannot be bought and should be treasured. Very few friends are ‘Ride or Die’; in fact if you find two, I’d say you’re incredibly fortunate.

2) The Truth Teller
We all need a friend who is brutally honest with us. Those bold enough to speak the truth, when others pacify us with what we want to hear, rather than what we need to hear.

3) The Left Brain
You need a strategist. Someone with enough intellect to weigh up the options and offer the best rational solution to the problems we encounter.


4) The Right Brain
Life is meaningless without creatives (I’m biased). You need a creative friend who is full of ideas. Whilst your left-brain friend instructs you on how to execute your idea, your right-brain friend infuses your ideas with that extra bit of greatness.

5) The Enthusiast
We all need someone that’s always excited about we you do. They balance the left-brain friend (who tends to border on cynical) and give us the necessary push when we want to give up.

6) The Carer
Caring friends are often kind to a fault. Their nature means they place the needs of others before their own. Most become friends with carers because they’ll be there for them in their time of need. My stance is quite different. I think it’s our duty to be friends with carers so we can be the person to take care of them.

7) The Spiritual Guru
Whatever we chose to believe (or disbelieve) in, we need a friend that shares our faith/life philosophy. Such friends are there to reinforce our values and warn us when we begin to stray.


The Friends we need to cut.

(When I use the word cut I don’t mean to eradicate person from your life.I advocate creating a healthy distance)

1) The Doubter
Whenever you vocalise a dream, they offer up a litany of reasons of why it won't work. Many of us don’t realise the power of the words we speak and the words others speak into our lives. For that reason the doubter should be kept at bay.

2) The Volcano
They have a notoriously violent temper and the capacity to be extremely poisonous with their words. Thus far you’ve only seen them blow up around other people, however one day they will erupt all over you.

3) The Shadow
You cut your hair. They cut their hair. You buy a car. They buy a car. They always seem to ‘coincidentally’ do things you planned to do months before.

Sidebar: My aunt has a theory that female ‘shadow friends’ grow up to be ‘husband thieves’.

I think anyone that needs to model their personality on another person isn’t worth knowing. Give them space to find themselves (or become someone else).

4) The User
They only call you when they need something and aren’t inclined to change because everyone enables their behaviour.

5) The Liability
They're so prone to ignorant/scandalous behaviour, they're beginning to put your repuatation in jeopardy.

6) The Gossip
If she tells you her friend’s business, she’s telling her friends your business. Don’t ever believe a gossip likes you too much to spread your business. Professional gossips don’t adhere to ethical codes.

7) The Absent Kid
Remember that kid in school who was constantly absent, but always seemed to turn up when something fun was happening, like sports or mufti day? Many of us have friends who behave in a similar manner. Those that disappear from our lives when we need them most. They shift us up and down their priorities yet expect to be treated like demigod's.

8) The Backhanded Compliment Expert

‘Well done on getting your degree after so many retakes! ’

‘Who would have thought a woman like YOU could find such a good man’

‘Nice car! Finished paying it off yet?’

Despite being a ‘friend’ they persist in complimenting us in a way that exposes our flaws and makes us feel insecure. Their comments have always irked you, but you’ve been afraid to openly express your annoyance for fear of being labeled paranoid.

9) The Ruthless Opportunist
Ambition is one thing, but being ruthlessly ambitious is another. Anyone who's so driven, they’ll drive over others on their path to success, should be avoided.

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There it is! Types of people I think should be cut from the army and those I think we should keep. The list is in no way exhaustive and I’m sure you can identify more types of people we could keep or cut. What types of people have I missed? Is there a type you don’t think belongs on either list? What do we do when we have a friend with overlap e.g. they’re loyal but a liability? As ever your input’s appreciated!

Christiana

xxx

Fashion Spotlight: Boxing Kitten

African celebrations are no ordinary affair. They're elaborate occasions overflowing with food, drink and people.Though the celebrations will vary in size and degrees of opulence, there's a common strand running through all of them. Whatever the occasion, whether it's a wedding, christening,or some 'uncle' being bestowed with a chieftaincy title for an arbitrary reason, the entire family will wear matching attire.

As a child who wanted every opportunity to express her 'uniqueness', I attempted to rebel against this tradition. I was informed I couldn't because the whole family wearing the same fabric was an outward sign of our common identity and sense of unity. I've come to realise as beautiful as that sentiment was, it's nothing more than a romantic interpretation of a simple fact. Africans love to dress up!

As I grew up and developed a greater appreciation of my culture, wearing African fabric wasn't something I was forced to do, it was something I wanted to do. However I struggled to find contemporary African designs that suited my tastes and until recently the concept of trendy ready-to-wear African influenced clothing, was a distant dream.As such, when I stumbled across a picture of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas wearing an ankara playsuit, I immediately began to investigate. I discovered it was from a label called 'Boxing Kitten'.

Created by Maya Lake, 'Boxing Kitten' is a ready to wear line that blends traditional African prints with edgy designs. In many ways 'Boxing Kitten' has become one of the leading brands in a niche that I do believe will go mainstream. By catering to the offspring of African migrants living in the diaspora, it fills a much needed gap in the market. However by sheer consequence of its mainstream appeal, it is for any woman who loves beautiful clothes made with vibrant fabrics.

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Maya and here's what she had to say.

Designer Maya Lake

Hi Maya, firstly thank you for taking the time to speak to us here at Christiana Rants. What motivated you to create Boxing Kitten?

I can't say that any one moment motivated me to create the label. It felt like a natural progression for me to start something of my own that I could share with everyone else. Creating art, and feeling inspired I guess is what keeps me motivated.

There's a definite African influence within the Boxing Kitten aesthetic, in particular the use of Ankara. What was the reason behind this?


The Textiles that are used in the collection are so vibrant, unique, beautiful, and inspiring. Initially I wanted to create an representation of what two different women, from two different generations, and movements would look like if they came together. Women involved in the Black Power movement often wore, Ankara, Khangas and Kente along with other African textiles. That's why I initially chose to use the fabric.


Boxing Kitten has been worn by celebrities such as Beyonce and Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, were you surprised by how quickly it's all taken off?

I am so grateful and equally amazed by the amount of support and love the line has garnered. Its very rewarding and humbling to see the way people respond to the clothes.




Alicia Keys & Beyonce wearing Boxing Kitten on the set for 'Put it in a love song'




Fergie wearing a Boxing Kitten 'Eartha Short'

Many of my readers are making the transition between young adulthood to building a solid career. As a young entrepreneur what advice would you give to them?

Keep moving forward. No matter what. It's easy to get stuck, feeling stagnated is never helpful for creativity. Find something that can keep you motivated and just keep moving.


Your resume is quite unique for a designer as your degree is actually in African American studies rather than a fashion related subject. Has being self taught worked to your advantage or disadvantage?


Being a self taught designer is very empowering for me. I respect people who know exactly what they want to do, and can go to school to study their craft or subject of interest. But that wasn't exactly my path. I can't say if it has served me or held me back, but I do think it makes my perspective unique.

Are there any plans to bring the latest Boxing Kitten collection to the UK?

Yes. I don't want to reveal too much, but it would be amazing to be carried internationally.

What's the inspiration behind the current collection?

The current Resort 2010 collection is specifically inspired by Josephine Baker. All the pieces are named after her movie roles, and female lovers, the most notable being Frida Kahlo; hence the Frida Jumpsuit. Her burlesque performances, sense of humor, and the way she challenged people to view sexuality all inspired the collection. This collection has a very bedroom vibe with all of the bustier elements, and it also plays with some masculine elements.

Finally, what do you see in the future for Boxing Kitten?

The future is to expand internationally and hopefully more collaborations with other artists. I also just look forward to evolving and growing the awareness of the line.

To see more & order apparel visit www.boxingkitten.com . For instant updates follow Boxing Kitten's Twitter account @BoxingKitten

Thanks to the lovely team at Boxing Kitten I have a skirt from the latest collection to give away.



Yes that fabulous skirt in the picture! It's so gorgeous my friends have been offering me very tempting bribes in exchange for it. Due to how much I love you all I've thus far managed to maintain my integrity.

Sidebar: The size being given away is a medium in order to cater to as many people as possible. The competition is open to UK residents only.

To enter, follow me on Google connect, Twitter , Blog Lovin or become a Youtube subscriber (click any of the related icons on this page and it'll direct you straight to the relevant site). If you’re none of these, do take the time to become one! Leave a comment on this post and crucially your email. The winner will be chosen at random and I’ll announce the winner in next week Friday's blog!

Christiana

xxx

300

I remember the exact moment my cousin dared me to start a blog. We were sitting around the dining table and I was passionately speaking about a topic no one else seemed to care about. Though my family are accustomed to hearing my views, it doesn’t mean they like hearing them. Therefore when my cousin suggested I write my views down for public consumption, he didn’t want me to tap into an undiscovered gift. It had more to with him searching for something to keep my mouth occupied.

However I don’t think either of us thought two years later this blog would still be keeping my mouth (kinda) occupied. If you’d told me back then that I’d be still be writing now, I wouldn’t have believed you. Simply because:

a) I tend to start things off with great enthusiasm then quit.

b) I knew I had a lot to say but I didn’t think I had this much to say.

c) I thought blogging was for sad people (ironically I’ve joined the ‘sad’ contingent I once mocked).

Yet much to my surprise I’ve managed to clutter the blogsphere with 300 posts.

Initially the blog lacked focus and direction because I didn’t think anyone was reading. I didn’t think anyone would read because I didn’t think I could write. One parents evening my A-level English teacher told my father I was ‘an average student, with sloppy syntax,who lacks the ability to communicate with clarity’. I remember crying in the car on the way home. Not because she’d informed me in a polite yet condescending manner that I couldn’t write. I cried because she predicted me a ‘C’ and I was at an all girls grammar school where ‘C’ was the official banner of mediocrity.

Sidebar: I suspect the examiner who marked my exam paper was quite familiar with hieroglyphics. He/she managed to decode my atrocious handwriting and I miraculously got an A : )

That experience means I’ve never written this blog as a ‘writer’ or someone who has confidence in her ability. The self-assuredness people presume I have is nothing more than a mixture of fearlessness and the knowledge I have nothing to lose. Irrespective of what people think (or tell me) I still don’t think I can write. This is a space where I’m learning how to write and you’re all kind enough to entertain my test runs!

Prior to my car accident I had decided that my 300th blog post would be my last. Due to a variety of reasons, this blog had become a burden rather than a source of release. Yet in the dark time after my accident, I couldn’t wait to get back to blogging. Suddenly the prospect of writing thrice a week became cathartic. It’s a shame it took an accident to rejuvenate me but if that’s the one good thing to come out of such a disaster, then so be it.

A few of you have been reading since my first post (which was a rant if there ever was one) and many of you have come on board recently. I also get a lot of emails/Facebook messages telling me to keep writing and I often receive them when I feel like doing the opposite. Thank you all!

I’d especially like to thank my little sister Odo/Joy/Joi/whatever the heck you call yourself this week, without whom there’d be no blog. She’s like a ghostwriter who doesn’t write. Love you sweetheart!

In terms of this blog and the future there’s a lot more to come. I’m just getting started. Everyday I seek to improve myself. Whether it’s as a daughter, sister, friend, human being or a ‘change agent’. Hopefully my longing to improve will become evident in my writing. Thank you for joining me on my journey thus far and I look forward to spending the next 300 posts with you.

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

P.S I’m going to get in trouble for missing someone out but I’d like to thank the following people who have said or done something that's stuck in my mind and kept me blogging. Tobi, Hamida, Kelechi, Akachi, Nii, Gavin, Alani, Wale, Wende, Yvonne,Ben,Vanessa, Ibrahim, Sayo, Femi, Aunty Pru, Rolake, Sumz, Mayne, Timz, Karen and Rachael (Odo’s friend). Love to all of you!

The Hater Myth

Hi!

It's been a few weeks since I've done a video blog so I thought I'd get my act together and post one. Today's vlog is the shortest I've done thus far. Though I wouldn't let that put you off. Length is rarely indicative of quality. My new motto is 'Say the Maximum amount with the Fewest words'.



Sidebar: My motto was inspired by George Orwell's essay 'Politics and the English Language'. If you have some spare time I do implore you to read it, especially if you're a writer. I can't remember the last time I read an essay that challenged and impacted me in such a manner.

As usual I'll refrain from expanding on the video blog and let you all make up your own minds. I'd love it if you could....

1) Share
2) Comment
3) Subscribe!!!

The chain I'm wearing in the video is from 'Miss Selfridge' and the earrings are vintage. The earrings hurt so much every time I take them off I'm afraid I've lost a bit of earlobe. The world would be a better place if wearing vintage shoes and jewelry didn't make you feel like you were undergoing an amputation. On Sunday I walked from the train station to my house barefoot because my toes could no longer take the abuse. I digress.

This week I'm the 'Fly Girl of The Week' over at Fly Blog! Click here. I'm really chuffed because it's one of my favourite blogs and in the past they've featured some incredible women.

On Monday I'll publish my 300th blog post!


Sidebar: My posts are an average of 1,000 words each. Excluding the posts that never made it, it means I've posted over 300,000 words. For those of you who've read Malcolm Gladwell's 'Outliers' you'll understand when I say I'm determined to get my '10,000 hours' : ) For those who haven't read it....Read it!

As it stands I'm at 2 years and 299 posts. I know I wouldn't have got past post 30 if it wasn't for all your support. To all those who've hopped on this roller coaster recently, welcome and thank you ! I appreciate all your comments, emails, tweets and Facebook messages. Also I rarely shout out those who read regularly but would rather not comment, thanks for reading I really appreciate it! I cannot thank you all enough because without you there wouldn't be a blog. Thanks again and stay with me : )

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and I'll be back on Monday for my 300th post!


Christiana

xxx

These are our Confessions.....

Of late I’ve developed the strange habit of praying to God on Twitter. It’s my way of verifying if he frequents social networking sites. Apparently he does and I have firm(ish) empirical proof.

Last week after I e-prayed for Bilal tickets and an iPad, a good friend of mine (love ya Karen!) got us complimentary tickets.

Sidebar: No iPad yet, team Apple if you’re reading I’m open for donations.

As a result of last week’s success, today I decided to send up another e-prayer for tickets.

Sidebar: You may be wondering why I don’t just pay for tickets. Unfortunately my friends in the music industry have spoilt me. The frequency with which I end up on guest list has turned me into a cheapskate. Furthermore free gigs always sound better.

After asking God for Damian Marley and Nas tickets, I figured I would need to confess to something in order to increase the flow of positive energy coming towards me. I tweeted the following….

“I once went to see N.E.R.D VIP @ Brixton Academy. The name I gave @ stage door was "Aleesha Dixon". Lovely old man had no idea. #ForgiveMeFather”

In hindsight, it’s not the wisest thing to publicly confess that you’re prone to committing (celebrity) identity theft. However I’m having a not-so-wise day (not that I’m ever wise). Hence why today’s blog will probably be one of those rants I’ll regret in the morning.

Confessions of a woman on behalf of (similar) women

1) We really don’t care about your ex girlfriend

The myth is women have a tendency to despise ‘the Ex’. Lies. We only care about your ex if she is

a) Equally attractive
b) Prettier
c) Beyonce

If a-c isn’t true it’s unlikely that she’ll ever cross our mind. However we’ll gladly feign jealousy in order to stroke your ego.


2) We also pretend we’re listening

I’m convinced my Dad puts my voice on mute at least 50% of the time. How do I know? Because when I ask him to repeat what I said, he’ll stammer and change the subject. Despite the fact he’s learnt how to effectively tune me out, I love my Dad because he loves me enough to pretend to listen. That’s real love.

What he doesn’t know is that my sisters and I also pretend we’re listening. Especially when he starts speaking about classic Ali fights or how he had to ‘fetch water from the stream in Nigeria and we’re so spoilt we grumble about getting water from a tap’.


Sidebar: Dad if you’re reading I’m joking about the last part (not).


3) We don’t think we’re fat

A significant proportion of women have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. It’s just that the headline ‘65% of women are content with their bodies’ will never sell newspapers (not that newspapers sell anymore).

Sidebar: Dear Rupert Murdoch, I’d just like to take the moment to state I resent the pay wall you’ve erected over at TimesOnline. Pull it down. Free content is the future.


4) Most women get on with each other.

The commonly accepted myth is women are prone to hating each other. In fact our hatred is so baseless some women hate women they’ve never met. The reality is that most women get on with each other. Sadly there are a minute percentage of us who are devious, antagonistic and tiresome. As it only takes a tiny bit of poison to make the whole body sick, this small percentage are able to obstruct our progress as a unit.

5) It seems like we’re saying what’s on our mind but we’re still hiding things.

Women are stereotypically known for their random emotional outbursts where they reveal issues they’ve harboured for months. The truth is more complicated.

In any argument, the chances are we know a lot more than we reveal. In fact I’d argue if a woman confronts a man the probability is she will only use 40% of her knowledge as ammunition. The ‘real issue’ is simply buried in our archives. Should men be afraid? I would be.

6) We don’t have Sex and The City type reunions as often as everyone thinks

The chances of all the members of a clique discussing their sex lives in a restaurant thrice a week is unlikely unless…

a) All members of the clique are unemployed
b) All members of the clique are unemployed

However it’s convenient that men believe such conferences regularly take place.

7) We don’t decide in (insert arbitrary number of seconds) whether we’ll sleep with a man

Apparently women decide in 7/9/(insert random number) seconds if they’ll sleep with a man. Nonsense. Most of the men we fall hardest for, we initially had no intention of entertaining.

When it comes to such matters there’s a positive correlation between how much effort a man puts in and what he gets out. Although women don’t like to admit it, if a man works hard and smart enough he will eventually wear her down.

Disclaimer: Wearing a woman down can take anything from 3 weeks to 300 years.


8) We don't just spy on men we like on the internet.....

We spy on the men our friend’s like too. It’s one of the implicit female friendship conventions (crazy) women adhere to.

9) Many of us hate the phone

This is a self- indulgent addition (then again many would argue by very definition a blog is self-indulgence), I hate the phone and I sincerely hope in honour of Schumpeter someone invents a device that renders the phone obsolete. Until then I'll have to keep 'missing' calls.


10) We’re not that tough

The ‘strong woman’ image, in particular the ‘strong black woman’ archetype, is one that irks me. The constant celebration of women’s apparent strength has meant that many (including women themselves) have interpreted this message as proof women have an endless supply of strength. This is far from true. Women aren’t endowed with a super human strength; it’s just that they’re reluctant to complain when their load is heavy because we want to be 'strong'.

We’re not as tough as we seem, we're just afraid of admitting it.

Christiana

xxx

Act Like A Lady & Play it Smart

I remember my last (pseudo) relationship. It was exhilarating, intense and on some days I’d never felt happier. It was also toxic. At the time I used the ‘I’m in love’ cliché as a justification for abiding with folly. In hindsight it was a lack of love for myself, not an overwhelming love for someone else, that made me stick around.

It got to a stage where my life became defined by indecisiveness. I’d constantly veer between mustering up the courage to leave and deciding to stay. Everyday I’d look into the mirror realising I was becoming a woman I didn’t like.

I remember one day I met up with one of my best friends and before I could launch into the latest melodrama he said…

‘Are we really gonna have this conversation again? You know what you need to do, you’re weak!’

As I watched his face contort into that shape men make when they feel repulsed by a woman’s behaviour, I was speechless. It wasn’t his brutal honesty that silenced me, it was the fact he was right. I had become weak.

A few months later, I admitted to my friend that his ‘weak’ comment was a catalyst in me finally ending things. Instead of graciously thanking me, he laughed and said....

‘Mate it shouldn’t have taken that to make you leave, you should have left way before that.Be careful you don’t make the same mistake thrice. You need to learn to act like a lady but think like a man’

His ‘act like a lady think like a man’ logic annoyed me. Firstly, it perpetuates the myth that there’s a vast difference in how men and women think. Secondly, it implies that the ‘masculine’ way of thinking is superior. Finally, it insults the millions of women who thrive whilst embracing their femininity. What’s worse is it’s one of those clichés women are starting to buy into.

I don’t think women find it difficult to leave destructive relationships because of how they think. In most cases there’s nothing wrong with our thought process. We know what we need to do. It’s just that after thinking clearly, we then place a disproportionate weight on our emotions. The addition of our emotions to the equation causes us to behave in a manner that’s not for our benefit. Our thinking isn’t infected, our behaviour is.

Sidebar: I’m aware there’s a link between thought and action. However in this case, I’m arguing emotional will overrides rational thought.

Most women reading this will agree that as a gender we need learn to play smarter. Our actions needs to line up with our thoughts and when necessary our heads must overrule our hearts.

There’s nothing I can write that can inoculate against the inevitability of a disastrous romance. Yet there are methods of reducing and diverting its damaging effects. Here are a few of my thoughts on how we can ‘Play it Smarter’.

Playing it Smarter

1) Don’t chase Men

If he doesn’t seem interested, he probably isn’t interested. Move on. It’s that simple.

2) Stick to your principles

If a new man causes you to challenge everything that's fundamental to you, don’t question your principles, question him. I’m aware that relationships often cause our principles to evolve. However if our principles adjust every time we’re with someone new, how will we establish our own sense of identity?

3) Keep your Power

I don't believe a woman should ever give her all her power to anyone. Keep something for yourself. You may need it. It is possible to love a man without him defining your existence. Unless his name is Jesus and he's from Nazareth, I wouldn't take the risk.

4) Demand respect

On the occasions I’ve been disrespected in a relationship it’s because I've placed myself in a situation where I could be disrespected. I've also cultivated the conditions for disrespect to flourish. In this day and age earning respect is not enough, you have to demand it and ensure it's maintained.

5) Listen to those you trust

If most of the people you trust are wary about a man you’re entertaining, I’d take it as a cue to tread carefully.

6) Avoid publicising your love life on Facebook

(This theory is based entirely on my own superstition ,rather than extensive research)

Making the Farcebook community aware of who you’re in a relationship with is the equivalent of putting a hex on your union. If a Facebook announcement hasn’t cursed your relationship I can guarantee

a) The relationship existed before one of you joined Facebook
b) You’re rarely on Facebook
c) The curse hasn’t kicked in

Keep it simple. ‘In a relationship’ ‘Married’ ‘Single’. Those who need to know who you’re with won’t need Facebook to tell them.

7) Take your time

Being constantly reminded that there are only a ‘few’ good men and pressure from family, can make women feel like the clock is ticking faster than it is. Consequently as soon as we meet someone that seems to match our criteria we rush things.

Though it feels counter-intuitive, taking our time is the best option.

8) Be wary of who and what you fight for

Unless you’re married, have kids or share assets, I don’t see why you’d fight for love if it were going to leave you maimed. In light of the fact there are billions of men in the world, if it’s about to sink, don’t try and fix it. Get off the ship before you go down with it.

9) Remember he’s not your ex

We must never punish a new man for the sins of an ex. Playing it smarter doesn’t mean regarding every man we meet with suspicion. It means we’re more cautious before we take the plunge.


10) ?

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There they are! My thoughts on how women can ‘play it smarter’. The list isn't exhaustive and as ever I want your feedback and suggestions. What's rule number 10? What have I overlooked? Which ideas do you disagree with? As ever your thoughts are appreciated!

Christiana

xxx

Brick Walls & Brick Breakers

Last month I had my mid-year review. I began to examine all the goals I’d set at the beginning of TwentyTen and evaluating my progress. To say my progress has been disappointing is an understatement. I don’t think I’ve done 30% of what I intended to.

Whilst discussing my disappointment with my friends and family, most of them told me to stop being so hard on myself. Yet the fact remained I wasn’t meeting the standards I’d set for myself and frankly that wasn’t good enough.

I tried to think about why I wasn’t achieving things that are seemingly within my grasp…..

Was it my car accident?

For about 2 months this year I was out of action recovering from a car accident. Though my injuries aren’t visible they’ve changed how I live. The psychological impact of having to work harder to live in a way that once came naturally has been tough. Yet for the sake of my sanity I’ve had to get over it. I can’t legitimately use the accident as an excuse. Yes it derailed me, but people overcome far worse and the truth is I was off mark before it happened.

Is there a conspiracy to hinder my progress?

Of course there’s no conspiracy! I don’t matter that much. No one matters that much.

Sidebar: People who think the world’s against them usually only have one enemy, themselves.

So what was the problem?

It wasn’t hard to figure out. I was the common denominator in all my failures. The problem lay with me. When I first discovered the power of setting goals and working towards making them manifest, it was a life changing revelation. However there was a crucial problem with my method. I persisted in creating my goals in a vacuum, forgetting goals are actualised in the real world. The real world is full of obstacles. Sadly my mindset didn’t allow for these obstacles. All I had was rigid goals and an inflexible strategy.

In the last 6 weeks I’ve been forced to excavate my life. I shut out the noise and began to dig those areas I’d neglected in my complacency. It has made a huge difference. Firstly, it’s finally dawned on me that goal setting and working hard are the minimum requirements for success and will never suffice. Secondly I realised that when the game changes, I’ve got to hold on to my principles but adjust my strategy.

There’s a chance you’re reading this and you’ve hit a brick wall. There’s an equal chance everything your life is going according to plan. Regardless of what space you’re in, brick walls are one of life’s certainties. It never hurts to know what someone else is using to break down their walls. Today I thought I’d share what I’m implementing in my life, I call them ‘The Brick Breakers’.

The Brick Breakers

1) Get off the seesaw

I’m usually either extremely happy or depressed. There is no in between with me. It’s a constant seesaw, bumping from extreme to extreme. If I’m happy, I’m brimming with ideas and my productivity is at its peak. When I come down, I’ll over-think myself into a state of worry and all my output is mediocre. The ‘seesaw’ was the story of my early twenties.

June taught me that if a positive outlook didn’t become my modus operandi, 2010 would end in disappointment. I had to get off the seesaw. It was monotonous, childish and I needed healthy consistency. Every day I’m training my mind to focus on empowering thoughts rather than allowing negativity to dominate.

Sidebar: A great site with tips to declutter the mind is Zen Habits

2) Learn to Network

Historically, networking hasn’t interested me. I despise those who get to know people simply for what they can gain from them. I want to get to know a person because they’re genuinely worth knowing.

In hindsight I had a myopic view of what networking is. Who says I can’t connect with people who are genuinely worth knowing and can help me with my goals? We live in a world where everyone has something to offer and everyone needs a problem solved. This means within you is the solution to someone’s problem, you just have to find them (and if you’re a capitalist sell it to them!). Anyone who isn’t trying to connect with people is doing themselves a disservice. The more influential people who are aware of what you do, the easier it is to get where you want to go.


3) Remember time is not your friend.

‘Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there."

Morpheus, The Matrix

Since my car accident I’ve developed a sense of urgency about life. In the process I’ve learnt rushing is as counterproductive as being slothful. However we must always be ruthless with time, because ultimately time is ruthless with us.


4) Be Confident

Diffidence has contributed to least 60% of my lack of goal attainment. As such I’m using my twenties to regain the raw confidence I lost somewhere along the way.

I meet a lot of successful people with mediocre minds who have fooled everyone into believing they’re brilliant. YouTube conspiracy theorists would conclude such people are in the ‘illumnati’. The only secret in the society of the successful is confidence. They believe they’re the best and couldn’t care less about who misidentifies their boldness as arrogance. After all, if you don’t believe in what you’re selling, how on earth do expect anyone else to buy it?

5) Break Big Goal’s down into little goals with specific time periods

The Long Run Goal = Marry Trey Songz → 2 years

The Medium Run Goal = Weasel your way into his inner circle → 1 year

The Short Run Goal = Get access to Trey Songz. Buy tickets to a gig. → 6 months

Sidebar: Just to assure you the Trey Songz goal isn’t a personal goal of mine. Promise : )

6) Ask for help

Pride is dangerous. Don’t wait until things fall apart to ask for help.

7) ‘Plus it’

We get it. Hustle beats talent. Yet this doesn’t mean you don’t need to be good at what you do. In fact you need to be so good they can’t ignore you. To do this you must decide to ‘plus it’.

‘Plus it’ is a concept created by Walt Disney. Any time his imagineers would create a new concept he’d tell them to go away and ‘Plus it’. He wanted to push their brilliance to its limits and by doing this he forced them to produce something remarkable.

8) Enjoy it
It’s a crazy ride. I’m slowly learning to enjoy the journey instead of constantly obsessing over when I’ll get to my destination.I recently came across this quote and it hit me so hard I stuck it on my bedroom wall.

‘Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men of talent. Genius will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan, ‘press on’ has solved and will always solve, the problems of the human race’

Calvin Coolidge.

So the final Brick Breaker is: Keep Pressing On

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx

The Drought

If engaged in a discussion with a group of single women, the chances are someone will mention the lack of good men on the market. Theoretically such conversations should have stopped a long time ago. When you take into account the number of lesbians and women who’ve decided to dedicate their lives to their cat/vibrator/career/all the above, you’d think there’d be enough good men to go around. Alas it’s not the case. Apparently like good weaves and polar bears, good men are facing extinction and it's not on the list of the U.N's priorities.

The fact I’m single and know many women who shouldn’t be single, means I should believe there’s a drought of good men. Instead I think it’s propaganda. The problem is whenever I debate this topic some antagonist will pipe up and say…..

‘Christiana if there are really loads of good men and it’s all propaganda, where are they?’

A question that irks me because the inquirant knows I have no idea where all the good men are. If I knew I’d own a hugely successful dating agency and become so rich I’d be able to blow my nose on £20 notes.

Sidebar: Alongside tugging Prince Charles’ ears, blowing my nose on £20 notes is a crude fantasy of mine.

I don’t even have enough ‘destitute woman finally finds true love’ anecdotes to share. All the stories I’m being told are evidence the only thing the average woman has to look forward to is a mediocre man with emotional baggage that rivals Lindsay Lohan’s.

Despite the fact I can’t find sufficient empirical evidence to the contrary, I still believe there are many good men out there. There is no drought. There are simply 3 factors at work that cause a lot of good men to go undetected. As this blog is a space to share theories that would otherwise bounce around my head…

Factors causing Good Men to go undetected

1) We place too many men in the ‘Just Friends’ category

Every month without fail a family member or friend will remark that a male friend of mine and I would make the perfect couple. My mum regularly walks into my bedroom and says

‘Why don’t you marry (insert name of the friend that takes her fancy that day)?’

Sidebar: Is it just my mum that leaps to talk of marriage and grandchildren forgetting that a first date hasn’t been arranged?

My aunt recently met a good friend of mine who has a girlfriend and said…

‘You mean to tell me you had that man within your reach and you let her have him? My God we need to enter serious fasting and prayer for you because you have NO sense’ * She sticks up her middle finger, gives me a dirty look, kisses her teeth and shakes her head. Simultaneously *

Sidebar: I think I need to do a blog post dedicated to my aunt.

Imagine a woman listed all the (straight) men she considers ‘just friends’ and wrote down their credentials. If she had read that list before meeting any of those men, she'd consider most of them boyfriend material. The problem isn’t the lack of good men, the problem is we’ve ‘friend zoned’ too many.


2) They’re overlooked because they’re ‘Good Men in the making’

When it comes to picking men many women have an anti-Ikea ethos. We don’t want men who we have to assemble or need to be fixed. We want a ready assembled piece of greatness. The finished article. Such an attitude isn’t selfish, it’s pragmatic. It’s cumbersome enough trying to build your own life, without picking a man that needs to be built too. However any ‘good man’ has become the man he is because someone along the way decided to invest in him.

I'm not advocating women picking men that need to be ‘fixed’. We do enough of that. What I do think is we need to be less brutal with our sieving process. There are good men out there, but too many of us are obsessed with inconsequential flaws and are unable to see them for the men they could be. We label them ‘not good enough’ rather than ‘making moves towards being good enough’.


3) There are 'too many' good women

People often say it’s the ‘hoes’ and women who lack scruple that make it hard for ‘good women’. I disagree. Good women (unintentionally) make it harder for good women. The quality and quantity of good women is so high, there isn't a real incentive for men to retire from bachelorhood. On the other hand if the general perception was good women were becoming extinct , I think the 'good men' would be more inclined to put themselves out there.

Sidebar: See ‘The Average Chick theory’ a post, which explores the idea that a woman excelling is to her detriment.

Those are the 3 factors that I think have contributed to the incorrect perception that there’s a lack of good men. What are your thoughts? Am I right? Are there any more factors? Or am I being optimistic?

Christiana xxx

Looks 'vs' Personality

Hi Christiana, I currently like this guy, he is really sweet, we have good conversations, problem = he isn't very good looking, now I wanted to know your thoughts on nice guy vs. good looks? should it matter that he isn’t good looking... I guess it is most definitely something I could answer myself! just a second opinion??

It’s the classic scenario. You meet a great guy but he has a not so great face. Since being openly superficial is frowned upon, most women bury their reservations. Yet secretly you loathe the fact you fancy him and you feel guilty that you’re considering deleting him from your phonebook due to a factor he had no hand in creating.

My response to this email should be a blog post reminding us of the virtue in looking deep inside a person. I should implore the young lady to stop being so superficial. Remind her that life is too short to get hung up on minor details like physical appearance and what should be paramount is his character not his face. That she should focus on what he looks like on the inside because that’s what will make the difference in the long run.

And it would all be true.

However it would be hypocritical of me to spread a message I’m yet to fully implement in my own life (emphasis on the word fully). You see I’m a sucker for a handsome face!

Experience has taught me handsome men are akin to a beautifully wrapped gift. Nice to hold and look at, but no proof that the gift it conceals has any value. Despite this fact (sadly) I’m still more likely to miss the call of the unattractive man with a great personality for the handsome man I can’t help but like even though he has an attitude that stinks more than a crack head.

Yet I know for a fact I’m not the only person who often lets how a person looks cloud my judgement. We don’t live in utopia, where teenagers put posters on their walls of famous people they adore because they have great personalities. We live in the real world. Dystopia. A place where looks mater and famous people tend to be pretty people.

When was the last time you heard the chat up line ‘I saw you from across the room and I knew I had to walk over to take a better look at your gorgeous….personality’. Unless you have a super power which enables you to glare deep into a persons soul, the chances are you’re initially attracted to a person’s appearance not their personality. In fact there’s nothing wrong with being drawn to a specific physical aesthetic. Preferring a particular look is no different from favouring a particular type of food. It’s simply an expression and reflection of your personal taste. However it becomes wrong when how a person looks is the sole impulse behind whether we keep them around or get rid!

In many ways we’ve been taught to view looks and personality as adversarial concepts. More often than not when we debate the two, the typical discourse runs along the ‘looks versus personality' lines. We view the two factors as parallel lines that’ll never meet. When in actual fact they tend to overlap and inform each other.

A few years ago I noticed a common thread that running through men that always seemed to get amazing women. Subtracting the men that were attractive, rich or famous, most of the men didn’t fit the mould of what's viewed as conventionally attractive. In fact many are what the world would deem as distinctively average looking (or even below average). What was the common thread? They all had a personality trait that gave them a certain magnetism. Whether it was being witty, funny, charming, audacious or sarcastic, men that wouldn’t win any beauty pageants got the best women because of their personalities.

This caused me to conclude that if you have a good enough personality it will make you (more) attractive. Contrarily no matter how beautiful you are, if your personality is ugly eventually those around you will view you as unattractive. It’s one of the universe’s balancing mechanisms. Minus the minute percentage of people that are deemed universally attractive (there are very few. The media has set the attractive bar so high, pretty people are the new average). Most ‘attractive’ people are attractive because they make an effort with their appearance and crucially radiate great energy.

Contrary to the typical discourse it’s never really a matter of looks vs. personality. They aren’t warring cousins, constantly pitted against each other; they’re more like conjoined twins who work interdependently. Chances are the people we find attractive have something inside that enhances (or detracts from) what they’re working with on the outside.

Now back to the young lady who emailed me! Even if a man’s personality is perfectly compatible with yours, if the idea of him being in bed with you makes your womb hurt, it’s probably not the best idea to pursue a relationship with him. Why? Because frankly you don't have the character necessary for such an arrangement to work. And most humans don't!

Ideally what we find attractive is a perfect blend of personality and looks. Disproportionate emphasis shouldn’t be placed on either factor .I often hear the phrase ‘beauty fades’ which is annoying because it implies that personalities/characters are immutable and on that basis they should be held in higher esteem. That's nonsense. From experience personalities/characters change (and diminish) at a far quicker rate than physical appearance. The bottom line is both factors matter and for some people they matter equally.

Or am I wrong? Is one factor more important than the other? What are your opinions on the ‘looks vs. personality’ debate? Am I correct in saying they overlap and work together? Are you a person that only likes good looking men/women?! Or is it the ‘inside’ that counts? Let me know!

Christiana xxx

How come you don't call me anymore?

Have you ever been ‘seeing’ someone you like, everything seemed to be going swimmingly well and all of a sudden they stopped being interested? To make matters worse the person didn’t come out admit they no longer liked you, instead they chose the cowards method of ending a blooming relationship. They simply stopped calling.

If your answer to that question is no, you’ve probably been the perpetrator of such acts rather than the victim. Most of us have been there, it’s just a matter of whether we were avoiding someone’s calls or our calls were being avoided! On the occasion a man has stopped calling me for reasons unknown to me, after recovering from the initial blow to my ego, I tend to forget the matter. I don’t think any woman should waste her time chasing a man who’s relegated her, when there’s another man out there waiting to adore her.

My friend on the other hand has a very different approach. She wants to know exactly why ‘he’ stopped calling. Or in her words…

‘Christiana I need closure’

In my friend’s world closure is rarely an organic process. Instead it involves her orchestrating a confrontation in which she forcibly gets an explanation.

A few weeks ago I had the honour of witnessing one of my friend’s quests for closure. We went out to a party and as the god’s would have it we spotted a man who had recently pulled a disappearing act.


Sidebar: I lied. It had nothing to do with the god’s. We were there because we knew he’d be in attendance. The life lesson? If you intend to go somewhere do not click ‘Attending’ on Facebook.

As he happened to ‘randomly’ be in her vicinity my friend (who lacks subtlety and tact) took the opportunity to ask a question that most women with an ounce of pride dare not….


‘Why the f&*$ did you stop calling me?’

Whilst watching him squirm with embarrassment and use the cliché ‘I’ve been so busy was going to call you this week’ excuse, it occurred to me that many women who had been in the same situation also wanted answers. The only difference is we aren’t crazy enough to e-stalk someone into submission to get them.

Inspired (and amused) by my friend’s brazenness I decided that I would try and find the answer to the question ‘How come you don’t call me?’. Since that day I’ve asked various men what are the usual triggers behind them going hot to cold in an instant. After promising them their responses would be published anonymously, I was given answers that made me laugh, think and shake my head. In fact I think the answers and their implications on how women should conduct themselves are a worthy book topic. However this is a blog not a book. So I thought I’d condense my ‘findings’ into a blog post and list the answers that came up most frequently.

How come you don’t call me anymore?

1)I have a girlfriend you don’t know about

According to 80% of the men I asked (made up statistic) the most probable answer is that the guy had a girlfriend/wife, was determined to cheat and then chickened out at the last minute.

2) You did something that annoyed me

We did something that turned him off, he tried to get over it but he was unable to erase it from his memory. Instead of being honest he chose the ‘noble’ route of disappearing.

Sidebar: No judgement in the final clause of the last paragraph. I’d disappear too.

3) I heard you were a bit of a ‘Samantha’

I find this addition ironic considering the post I wrote last week suggests the opposite. See here. Basically if a friend informs a man that the lady he’s entertaining has a sketchy sexual past and he’s the type of man that cares…..he will terminate what they had.


4) You liked me more when I stopped calling

For reasons too complex to unpack today ‘really nice guys’ are probably the least desired commodity on the dating market. Consequently ‘be mean keep ‘em keen’ tactics are regularly employed by men aware women suddenly become more interested when they phone less.

5) You misread the situation


One of the benefits/dangers of technology is I’m able to copy, paste and save particularly interesting BlackBerry messenger exchanges for future reference. As such I’m able to quote this theory verbatim.


‘I don’t disappear if I really like a woman. If I think a woman’s worth sticking around for I’ll stay. Chances are she misread it all. I didn’t like her as much as she thought I did. Is that so hard to understand?’

6) I got what I came for

Whilst discussing this topic with a man on the train (what is it with me and strangers on the train?) he bluntly said that most men stop calling because they only intended to have sex with a woman and got what they wanted.

Sidebar: He stressed I must mention any women who interprets this as further proof not giving it up too quickly is in her interests, is 'mistaken'. Apparently if a man has no intention of making a woman his girlfriend, sex can never be used as leverage. Women who fall in the ‘will never ever be my girlfriend’ category can never give it up too quickly or too late, as the man never intended to stick around in the first place.I know I digressed but I think this subject warrants a separate blog topic don’t you?

7) You were perfect for me and I got scared

Since this is the most unlikely option I was instructed not to ‘get women’s hopes up or feed their egos by putting this high up the list’. There is a (slim) possibility that we were the perfect woman. Sadly it was all too much for him. Behaving like a classic commitmentphobe he decided to self-sabotage and out of fear he runs away.

--------------

So there it is! A few answers to the ‘How come you don’t call me?’ question that is plaguing thousands of women all around the world whilst I type.

To my male readers! What say you? Is it accurate? When you’ve disappeared has it been for the reasons listed above? Or are there more reasons? Let us know!

Love & Light

Christiana xxx

The Money Trap

Happy Friday!

It's be a while since I last posted a video blog so I finally got myself together and filmed one. As ever I won't expand too much on the content of the video, I'll just let you watch and make up your own minds. As the title suggests it's about finance and the impulse of the vlog is my personal decision to redefine my relationship with money. I hope my decision to escape the 'money trap' is permanent and as with anything I do, I feel that publicly documenting it is a further personal incentive to maintain a higher standard.

As always it would be great if you could.......

1) Comment & Let me know your feedback (on the blog an youtube video if you can!)
2) Share & Spread the word
3) Subscribe via YouTube

By the way you will notice that I've finally got a short haircut!!! Since I've been a kid my hair's been long and my mum always warned me against cutting it. In fact most people I know would say 'Don't you ever cut your hair!' and I think it became a security blanket. Last week I finally tried something different. I never thought I'd be the kind of woman to describe a haircut as liberating but it really is! The whole front section is red but you can't see it because the camera on my mac isn't the greatest quality (annoying). Anyway enough about my hair lol!

Cosmpolitan are holding their first blog awards and although my chances of getting a nomination are slim I'd love for you guys to nominate my blog! This month it'll be two years of blogging and I often describe the decision to start this site as a 'beautiful mistake'. I didn't believe it would entail so much effort, disappointment and alter my life so radically. However all in all it truly has been one of the best decisions I ever made. If you've enjoy reading my blog and feel it deserves some sort of recognition it would be great if you could take the time out to nominate it.

www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/your-life/cosmo-blog-awards/special

Unlike most blogs the topics on this blog aren't specific to a certain category. Perhaps that's a reflection of my dislike of being pigeonholed and the fact I have a variety of interests. As such I don't think there's a category that sums up this blog perfectly. I think the best categories to nominate it for are 'Lifestyle' or 'Sex and Relationships'. Get everyone to vote! Your family, friends, church/mosque/yoga class members, weave hook up, haters....you get my drift : )

On that note, I hope you all have a splendid weekend. I'll be back on Monday and as ever thank you for your continued support!

Love & Light

Christiana

xxx