Hoes, Housewives & myths

Last week I received an email from one of my readers soliciting advice. Even though it’s a regular occurrence I’m yet to get over the fact that people value my opinion! My mother recently said…


‘Jesus is coming! You’re telling me because of that blob people tell you their problems? You young people have no secrets! ’


Sidebar: Blob is my mother’s word for blog. The phrase ‘Jesus is coming’ is her automatic response to any social or personal occurrence that she finds strange.

I'm prone to siding with my readers on issues. This is because you’re an intelligent bunch (last week someone kindly corrected me, Hegel not Marx/Lenin rejuvenated dialectic logic). And I like you guys! However for the first time in a while an email exchange with a reader revealed that we had no common ground. After agreeing to disagree, she suggested I write a blog post on the subject and you guys have the final say. As I believe a variety opinions voiced by an intelligent audience should lead to a higher solution to any problem, I agreed. Here it goes……….

Hoes, Housewives & Myths

The reader has an older brother who she cares about deeply. For years he has been a known womaniser. Much to her surprise recently he finally decided to settle down. Initially his family were pleased with his choice as his new girlfriend seemed to tick all the boxes. Unfortunately a few months ago an issue arose. According to numerous sources the seemingly perfect girlfriend has a ‘shady history’. Or to put it frankly she is/was a ‘hoe’.

The closing paragraph of the email began with the cliché…..

"You know what they say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife"

The emailer (is that a real word?) wanted advice as to how her family could go about essentially dismantling this relationship. Their words of caution have thus far fallen on deaf ears and she wanted a fresh take on what could possibly be done. Simultaneously flattered and offended that she thought I was that Machiavellian, I explained with good conscience I couldn’t offer such advice.

Before I proceed with my reasons why I came to this decision, I’d like to emphasise that I think her concerns are understandable and in many ways warranted. In fact if I were in her position I'd probably have the same reservations. But I’m not. This gives me the benefit of objectivity and the ability to analyse the situation without emotions clouding my judgment.

My Reasons

1) You cannot change your opinion on someone based solely on secondary sources

What strikes me is the young lady and her family liked the new girlfriend until other people started informing them of her past. There’s a disconnect between what the family have seen and what they’ve heard. On that basis I think the burden of proof should lie with the gossips rather than the new girlfriend having to go through the mill. We live in the world where individuals are quick to write people off based on secondary sources. Until they've seen this woman act indecently they must hold their peace. At present all they're doing is believing hearsay and potentially character assassinating an innocent woman.

2) The term "hoe"

I’ve blogged previously on this matter so I won’t go into too much detail. In short I hate the term hoe. It’s a slur that seems to be used exclusively to demean females, though logically both genders should be capable of being labeled a ‘hoe’. Moreover the ever-shifting hoe boundary means the term is rendered meaningless as it’s always relative to the person using it. Haven’t you noticed people use the term hoe only when a woman falls below their arbitrary sexual standards?

3) The idiotic hoe/housewife dichotomy

I despise the artificial hoe/housewife dichotomy that everyone’s accepted as gospel. Life is never that simple! Which authority mandated that a hoe can’t be a housewife and a housewife can’t transform into hoe? Who created this vast gulf? Surely there must be areas of overlap? Is there a definite correlation between sexual promiscuity and a woman’s character? Are we suggesting that housewives are on the whole better people? That’s like saying policemen and teachers have superior characters just because their jobs are vocations!


Sidebar: Let’s quickly address the elephant in the room touching itself. She stated her brother was a known womaniser. The less commonly used feminist cliché ‘You can’t turn a (man) hoe into a husband’ springs to mind.......

4) Even if the accusations are true….

No one in this world is so perfect they can occupy the moral high ground. My honest opinion is her brother and his girlfriend deserve the opportunity to succeed (or fail) at love as much as the next person. They should be allowed to have the chance to build a foundation without interference. Regardless of if the accusations are rumours or perfect truth, the brother should be allowed to find out by himself. If the relationship isn’t meant to be, universal law dictates it will erode without the need for meddling.

However!

Every time I pose this scenario to a friend they disagree with my stance. Am I wrong? Is my position on this issue far too ‘radical’? Does this family have the right and duty to ensure their loved one finds someone ‘better’? Should women labeled ‘hoes’ be forever avoided? Please let me know, I’m looking forward to your input!

Christiana

xxx

The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame

I recently asked a young girl what she wanted from her life. Her response?

‘I want to be famous’

This is an answer that has depressed and plagued me since I heard it. I’ve tried to rationalise her answer, put it down to her youth and conclude she’ll grow out of it. Yet the truth is her decision to pursue fame as an end in itself isn’t a silly one. Our culture has created a market for women who are famous for the sake of being famous, so why shouldn’t she cash in on it? Talent and accomplishment are no longer prerequisites of fame. Warhol’s secular prophecy has come true and in post-feminist twist, being famous for no particular reason is something many women strive for.

A conversation about this trend took an entertaining turn when my friends and I discovered our combined years of celeb voyeurism, meant we’re experts on what it takes to become famous. As a result we created ‘The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame’. Our guide has elements of hyperbole yet it contains more truth than err. It’s the latent message the media has been feeding impressionable young girls. The message is poisonous and tells any young girl that doesn’t fit the mould (or seek to) that she isn’t good enough.

The poison of celebrity culture combined with the general difficulty of growing up, means that many girls capitulate and become something they’re not. Girls who once may have been doctors, politicians, journalists, teachers or engineers pour their energy into the futile quest of being the next Kim Kardashian or better still a WAG.

Marxist Leninist logic states for every thesis there is anti-thesis. The clash of the two should lead to a higher stage of development. This means it’s up to those women with substance, drive, ambition and unafraid of individuality, to be the anti-thesis of the status quo. Perhaps I’m an idealist but I do think if this happens about 20 years from now, the pool of vapid celebrity women will have dissipated or at least pushed to the periphery. Hopefully one day we’ll have a society where young girls have role models that reflect variety and positivity rather than represent a narrow harmful stereotype. And those girls who decide they want to be famous, do so with the aim of achieving something that warrants attention and admiration.

Until then….

The Modern Woman’s Guide to Fast-Track Fame

1) You must be skinny and attractive. If you’re neither you must do whatever it takes to become both.

2) You need hair extensions. Drown yourself in them. Get a weave so voluminous and heavy it causes spinal damage.

3) You must have a sex tape and/or salacious photos plastered all over the Internet. The key is to act outraged when they mysteriously leak.

4) Go on a reality show. Act like an uber bitch, ridiculously hyper sexual or a woman with a negative I.Q. If you can manage all three the endorsements will come rolling in.

5) Make friends with someone equally untalented and fame hungry. Proceed to regularly fall out limos sans your underwear.

6) Marry a famous athlete.

7) If 6 is proving tough, the Tiger Woods saga illustrates being the mistress of an athlete is quite enough.

8) Ensure that you rid yourself of all individuality.Quick fame requires that instead of finding yourself, you must lose yourself.

9) Remember rule 8 but ironically seek to ‘Be Edgy’. However please keep in mind Daria’s definition of edginess…


'Edgy is a term created by middle-aged, middle-brow people who try to say that they're doing something really dangerous but they're really just, you know, marketing a product that came out of lots of research and meetings.' Daria

Sidebar: If MTV ever need re-commission a show, it’s Daria. Best show ever.

10) Get arrested.

11) Regularly stage photo-ops where you give food to the homeless or pretend you care about fur. Remember all acts of philanthropy or altruism exist solely to feed into your brand.

12) Stop reading. The basis of your fame is that you’re not that smart. It’s best you keep away from any resources that could give the hint of intelligence.

13) If you’ve done 1-12 and still aren’t famous, set up a Twitter account where you claim to have bedded loads of rappers then tweet their ‘phone numbers’ (Google Kat Stacks for a tutorial).

14) Go to rehab. Nothing drums up press interest like a female in (self-inflicted) distress.

15) Remember, in the pursuit of shallow fame there is no thought of consequence. Be self-destructive.

And that’s it. Follow those 15 steps. And you’ll be famous.

Christiana

xxx

The Money Issue

Today with a heavy heart I watched the budget and our ‘progressive’ coalition implement a series of condemnatory economic policies. A rise in VAT but a fall in corporation tax is just what this country needs isn’t it? * rolls eyes *

  Yet the truth is even if the budget sought to create financial conditions for young people to flourish in, unless we’re financially literate as individuals, it’s pointless. And the fact is most of us aren’t financially literate! This is due to an education system that refuses to let go of its Victorian past and insists on placing a disproportionate emphasis on theory paying less attention to practice. So we all leave school knowing the ‘what’ but not the ‘how’. Then there’s the enormous pressure of materialism that most of us succumb to, hence why many young people are living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money. Consequently there’s a whole generation of young people who live on the financial edge, in a land called overdraft propped up by stilts called credit cards.

About six months ago I was forced to take stock of my finances. The realisation I didn’t know how to budget, save and was an expert on squandering was sobering to say the least. My savings account was being constantly depleted as I viewed it as my emergency reserve to buy more clothes. It slowly dawned on me that I had to change. I would have to master fiscal prudence or I would never be financially empowered. If I didn’t do it soon, a life of full of debt and perpetual financial instability awaited me. 

As a result of this for the past few months I’ve been on a journey where I’m attempting to change my financial habits. Miraculously I’ve even started shopping less, which I hate but I know it’s for my good.

In light of the fact that I’m not the only young person who's trying to redefine their relationship with money after a reckless spell, I thought I’d do a blog post on it. I could have named this post ‘What I’ve learnt about money’ but that would suggest closure or that I’ve come full circle. Which is far from the truth! Redefining my relationship with money is a constant process. So I settled on the title ‘What I’m learning about money’ as it’s far more appropriate.

What I’m learning about money

1)The founding principle. Keep your expenditure below your income and save before you spend.

It’s blindingly obvious but you’d be shocked how many people don’t.

2) Pay yourself first

This is a rule that I first came across in the interesting (yet in hindsight simultaneously abstract and simiplistic) ‘Rich Dad Poor Dad’. The idea is as soon as you’ve been paid, you pay yourself by saving. Then you pay all your debts and/or bills.

3) Give what you can, as much as you can

Founded in the law of reciprocity, it’s the idea that by giving (whether our finances or time) we’re planting seeds of goodness that will always return to us.

4)Be honest with your friends about your financial position

If you can’t be transparent with your friends about your financial status, find new friends. Too many of us hang around with people who are only interested in fuelling their vapid lifestyles with money they don’t have. You can never ‘keep up’ with a person determined to front with their money. I'd keep away from such people; they’re financially cancerous (and more annoying than a vuvuzela on speed).

5)Learn to make do with what you already have

6) When you can do your hair at home 

As you all know I’m an advocate of weaves farmed ethically and sewn in sensibly, so it pains me to put this lesson in. However it's just hair at the end of the day and beanie hats were created to conceal bad hair days.

7) Avoid credit cards

My parents (dad especially) hate credit cards. You would think they were paedophiles melted down into plastic the way they go on about them. It has taken me witnessing the devastating of impact credit cards to share their hatred and conclude in the wrong hands they are Satan’s assistants.

8) Haggle

My mum (still) tries to haggle in Tesco so the embarrassment I endured as a child means I have no shame when it comes to asking for a discount. If you haggle constantly the accumulative positive effect it can have on your finances is astonishing! Where there’s a will, there’s a way…to haggle!

9) Be inventive

Upon the realisation there was an open wireless network in the vicinity, my friend cancelled her broadband contract and is currently using her neighbour’s wireless. I feel simultaneously proud and ashamed to know her.

10)Differentiate between your financial wants and needs, then prioritise accordingly

11)Know the difference between good debt and bad debt

About a year ago in one of his many talks my dad explained to me that all debt wasn’t necessarily bad and broke down the concept of Good debt vs. Bad debt. For once I was really listening. Good debt is any loan taken that’s an investment in your future and likely to reap some reward. For instance a student loan, a mortgage or a bank loan to finance a business. Bad debt is any debt used to fund consumption rather than investment. 

12) Discover your unique financial DNA

We’re all wired to relate to money differently, the sooner you find out your individual DNA, the better.

13) Have a financial plan

14)Reward yourself with the odd indulgence
   
15) Educate yourself about money

 I used to think learning about money was a bore. Turns out it is. However it’s a bore that benefits me. There's a blog called ‘Get Rich Slowly’

16) Seek to create passive sources of income

17) And probably the most important rule of all…. Stop caring what people think

 Much of what we spend is linked to us feeding our want to be accepted, rather than feeding a genuine need. The day you stop caring what others think of you it empowers every area of your life, including how you spend.

-----------------

That's all I've got for now! But please add your suggestions and personal lessons in the comments section. A (recovering) shopaholic like myself needs all the advice she can get…. : ) 

Christiana 

xxx

The Average Chick Theory

Before I start today’s blog post I’d like to say congratulations to Kahmila and Joanna who are the winners of the ‘Bitch is the New Black’ competition. I hope you both enjoy the book as much as I did!

Right! Today’s topic…

I must learn to stop talking to strangers. Seriously! All too often I find myself engrossed in deep conversation with people who could easily be concealing deadly weapons. We all know London isn’t  the safest place on earth so it’s not exactly wise to speak at length with just anyone. The problem is I’m a sucker for a good conversation.

For instance, the other night I went out with some of my girlfriend’s. During the course of the evening we were approached by two men that looked vaguely familiar (as in Facebook/Twitter/perhaps you were on a TV show familiar). By the time I figured out they were strangers (emphasis on the strange) it was too late to escape.

Sidebar: Technically it wasn’t too late but my friends and I had (foolishly) accepted a round of drinks. I’m trying to break myself from the bondage of being that woman that loves free things so much she  can be enticed by them. I’m failing.

Despite the men being strange(rs) we soon found we had a few things to talk about. Unfortunately despite how nice people may be they can never resist the temptation to draw conclusions on others based on a limited interaction. One of the men had the gall to turn around to my friend and say…..

‘I’d be very shocked if you’re married by 35’

At that moment my heart sank as I realised he'd uttered a statement that could potentially cost him a testicle. You see the worse thing you can tell an unhappily single woman (who’s tottering over the line between sanity and insanity) is she’s not getting married for another 7 years.

Convinced that my friend was soon going to duplicate the angry black woman stereotype the media seems enamoured with, I began looking around for an exit I could escort her through with minimal embarrassment .Yet much to my surprise all she did was laugh and say….

‘Why do you think that?’

The man then launched into what my friends and I have now dubbed ‘The Average Chick Theory’. I don’t agree with it. I despise it. I think the theory is flawed, archaic, simplistic and borderline chauvinistic. There’s something about the term ‘average’ that riles me up and I think when this man uses the word average he’s unintentionally using the wrong adjective. The word he’s looking for is docile.

Moreover I refuse to believe the majority of men are this unsophisticated and that the theory reflects their thinking. Nevertheless his theory is an interesting one and he even managed to convince a few of my friends, so I thought I’d share it here. 

The Average Chick Theory

‘Average chicks are easier for the male ego to cope with, so they’re snapped up quicker. If you all want to live happily ever after, learn to Be Average.’

That’s it.

According to this man, women don’t realise that being successful, ambitious, attractive and strong is a deadly combination. Apparently by being all these things at once women are acting as their own (long term) cock blockers. If you’re the type of woman that wants to settle down whilst your womb is usable and before you need anti-aging serum, the best bet is to ‘Be Average’. You can’t have it all or even give the impression you’re in pursuit of having it all. Why?

On a basic level there’s a cruel numbers game at work. As we know already there are more women than men. No matter what category a woman is in, whether it’s 'above average', 'average' or ‘procreate with her at your peril’, the demand for men will always outstrip the supply of men. This general numerical disadvantage is worsened when a women is above average because two things occur….

1)    The pool of available men decreases further
2)    She faces fiercer (and more unscrupulous) competition when trying to bag a man in her league

Now in light 1 + 2  you’d think for a woman who is  ‘above average’, focusing on staying that way is a good thing? Apparently not.

The man went on to use a rather crude car analogy to illustrate why this isn’t the case. Apparently women who have it all are akin to luxury cars. Every man would love one, but few men can afford to attain and maintain one. Consequently average women/cars will always be in higher demand and more likely to be purchased. A man may take a luxury car for a spin, but it doesn't mean he's buying! More problematically, the type of man that can afford a luxury car/woman is unlikely to want just one. As he can have more, human nature dictates he’s probably going to want more. Hence why rich successful men have a propensity for cheating on their seemingly perfect wives. 

Average women always win in the long term not only because they're in higher demand but crucially because they know they’re average. As such they rarely have delusions of grandeur, are more willing to compromise, set the bar lower and therefore have more options. Whereas women deemed 'above average' have a habit of setting the bar at a point most men can’t reach.

The man ended his misogynistic lecture with the words….

 ‘I mean you’re all on the right track for having a great life but just know it’s probably going to be a lonely one. Regardless of your gender success is an isolating factor. But it’s far worse for women than men. Sometimes being average isn’t so bad....’

How comforting.

Now although anecdotal evidence suggests successful women are more likely to be single, I refuse to attribute the reason to this theory. I’m even contemplating writing a rebuttal! In the meantime I want all your views (especially some male perspective). Is he right? Are women better off adopting the ‘Be Average’ mantra? Or is there some other cause behind this effect? Weigh in and let me know your thoughts!


Christiana
xxx

Part-Time Lover

At least once a month I’ll get an email from a reader that is some variant of the following dilemma…

The young lady has been ‘seeing’ Mr X for (insert number of months). From the moment they met Mr X made it clear as much as he liked her, he didn’t want a relationship. Although unsure of how it would pan out in the long term, she obliges to the unorthodox arrangement because as she persists in reminding herself and her friends ‘I’m not that into him anyway’.

Fast-forward a few months and Mr X is quite happy with the arrangement while the young lady is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with still being relegated to ‘just friends’ territory. Despite telling herself that she wouldn’t fall for him, predictably she has.

* Cue relationship status change to ‘It’s Complicated’ on Facebook *

Things are complicated further when she sits down with her friends and tries to ascertain what rights ‘seeing’ someone awards a woman. Is it cheating if they're just ‘seeing' each other? Is she allowed to be annoyed if he doesn’t call back when he says he will? And what on earth does ‘seeing someone’ even mean?

The woman finds herself in a common dilemma. She wants a relationship yet despite constantly professing how much he genuinely likes her, Mr X still doesn’t.

The email will end with a paragraph that reads as follows...

‘I love him so much and apart from he fact he doesn’t want a relationship we’re really great together. I’ve set him ultimatums quite a few times and then I’ll leave him when he doesn’t change his mind. Somehow we always end up back together. But I’m getting tired. What do you think I should do?’

Now I’m aware people rarely seek advice with the intention to implement whatever is recommended to them. Most of us seek advice in the hope that what we’re told will validate the course of action we’ve already decided to take. The truth is any woman intelligent enough to figure out how to send an email has an I.Q high enough to know what she needs to do.

Leave Him!

However when you ‘love’ someone it makes rational decisions that bit harder. The presence of love causes your body to do the otherwise physiologically impossible. Your heart swaps places with your brain and starts to dictate action. Not Good.

Via personal experience or those of friends, most women have insight into the pain being a girlfriend in substance yet being introduced as ‘a friend’ can cause. As a result if you asked your average woman who’s at fault in this situation she would probably blame the man. Historically that’s been my stance. The man in question was described as a ‘bastard’, ‘waste man’, ‘cowardly commitmentphobe’ or other terms I won’t use now since I’m trying to swear less!

However I’ve come to conclude most of the anger that’s provoked by assessing these situations is misdirected. If we had to play the blame game the blame lies squarely with us as women. I’m not condoning the actions of the men who engage in these arrangements. They know deep down that they’re exploiting another person’s emotions in order to get their way.Yet we can’t resent these men for sticking to a decision that was never a secret!

We allow ourselves to become entangled in pseudo-relationships, which don’t reflect our worth and only serve to devalue us. We allow ‘Mr X’s to gain all the benefits that come with being in a relationship yet don't demand them to have any real responsibility. We are willing participants and have the choice to leave when we want. However the bottom line is we choose to stick around!

I’m not naïve enough to believe all women that find themselves in ‘let’s be friends + benefits but I’ll tell everyone you're just my friend’ arrangements are unhappy. There are millions of women who are able to adopt the behaviour usually attributed to men and not dilute their femininity or happiness. In fact many women are at a stage of their lives where such an arrangement is desirable. Contrarily most of the women I encounter aren’t able to compartmentalise their emotions that effectively and there are some who aren't even brave enough to express the fact they’re unhappy.

For many women playing the role of proxy girlfriend is the equivalent of permanently undergoing a bikini wax. Painful! And since I feel so strongly about this topic I’m going to say this….

A woman shouldn’t have to plead, manipulate or issue ultimatums in order to get someone to commit to her. We deserve more. More than being a part time lover, the invisible other half or an accessory that’s pulled out at Mr X’s volition. Believe in yourself enough to leave and wait patiently for someone who is willing to jump thorough hurdles to be with you. Until then walk alone, it's a far superior path in the long run.

Christiana xxx

Cupcakes & The Monday Manual

Happy Monday!

Before I get into today’s blog…

It is common knowledge that I love clothes, shoes, men and cupcakes. As much as they’ve all caused me much grief, a world void of all four would be unbearable. Therefore it only makes sense that today I’m hosting a cupcake giveaway with the fabulous Gourmet Cupcake Company. If you want mouthgasms delivered to you in a box they’re my top recommendation!

Sidebar: Even though it has the potential to do horrendous damage to my midriff/hips I’m going to go on one of their baking courses. I’m currently the anti-thesis of a domestic Goddess and I’m on a mission to have at least one culinary skill!

To enter the giveaway all you have to do is retweet our tweets relating to the competition (follow @Gourmet_Cupcake ). The winner will be picked at random before 4pm and will have the cupcakes delivered to them via courier by tomorrow!

Sidebar: Apologies to all my international readers as the competition is only open to UK residents. However I have something quite special coming up that will make up for the last two competitions!

Right….Today’s post!

Whilst crossing the bridge between adolescence and adulthood I picked up a horrid habit. I mastered the art of thinking in my sleep. Thinking in your sleep isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it has got its benefits. I often wake up brimming with ideas and concepts that are handy during the day. On other hand it usually it means I wake up mentally congested before I’ve even started my day. It has also led to the personal discovery that sleep and rest, though mutually beneficial, often don’t come together.

Today was one of those days where I thought so much in my sleep I woke up feeling like it was at least Thursday. Consequently all I really wanted to do is shoot the birds singing outside my window and the last thing I felt like doing was writing a blog post for public inspection.

Hitting a rut on a Monday morning has become a frequent occurrence and the major reason why I tend not to blog on Monday’s. Today I decided that rather than wallowing in self-pity, I would write a list of things to help me get through the day. It’s called my ‘Monday Manual’ and hopefully it should help my Monday’s cease from being ‘Mournday’s’ where I’m vexed at everything from the weather to myself!

It’s a personal empowerment tool (how self help does that sound lol!) however as it was so much fun to write, I thought I’d share it on my blog. Some of the points are personal so you will probably find them useless but there are many principles that are transferable.

In hindsight, my ‘Monday Manual’ is useful on any day of the week however I think it carries greater gravitas when examined on a Monday. After all this is the day that’s supposed to represent new beginnings.

The Monday Manual

1) Prioritise. Your family and friends come first. Everything else is embellishment.

2) The Internet has turned the phrases ‘I’m hustling hard’ and ‘I’m so busy’ into annoying clichés. Working hard doesn’t necessarily mean your working smart. Be Productive.

3) Between 4pm and 7pm on Wednesday you’ll hit the inevitable mid week slump, become dejected and hit a brick wall you decide not to leap over. Don’t get so frustrated and stop being so hard on yourself. The deception is that quantum leaps in progress are likely and desirable. So shut up and stick at it.

4) Although you object to them for personal reasons, Wear a (heavily padded) bra.

5) You probably need to call/text someone back. Don’t Procrastinate. Hurry up and do it.

6) Most of your haters are imaginary and the ones that do exist aren’t even worth wasting thinking time on. The real enemy is within, concentrating on conquering her.

7) Anytime you feel low remember that day you saw that woman use her child’s coat as an umbrella to stop her weave getting wet. Laugh really hard. Then ask God for forgiveness.

8) Keep away from dream slayers and be careful who you let into your headspace.

9) Still moping? Play ‘Off the Wall’ by MJ on full blast. If you’re still not smiling, you’re just a miserable cow. Go back to 1 and start again.

10) Fill a portion of today with absolutely nothing.

11) If 1-9 isn’t working pretend it’s Saturday and you’re about to get on a flight to Barbados.

12) Tupac Shakur said it best ‘Know, people gon' hate you for whatever you do’. So you might as well Do Something Special.

13) You ramble too much. Try to respond to emails in no more than 5 sentences. Furthermore an hour of your day will be a BlackBerry free zone. Switch off that bacteria infested machine and give your thumbs a chance to rest.

14)Stop running for the train. It's either you're going to miss it or you’re only going to mess up your hair whilst catching it. Neither outcome's desirable. Try leaving your house in good time.

15) Whatever your Monday brings you must end it on a point of gratitude, at least you got to finish the day.

Christiana

xxx

Bitch is the new black

Helena Andrews is a young woman with a CV that most new graduates would contemplate exchanging a limb (or at least an ovary) for. An Ivy League graduate, she’s written for the New York Times, Marie Claire and O Magazine. All before hitting the big 3-0. As a result of her talents last year she got a book deal with Harper Collins to write her memoir. Before the book even hit the shelves it was picked up by Shonda Rhimes (creator of Grey's Anatomy and Private practice) to be turned into a movie.

The books title?

‘Bitch is the new black’

Bitch is a slur I’m no fan of. It’s a pejorative term that reflects the patriarchy still alive in our society. A bitch is generally a woman who doesn’t adhere to the behavior expected of her. Most women labeled bitches would be called an ‘alpha male’ if nature had given them a Y chromosome! So though intrigued by the book and Helena’s story, such a loaded title made me a bit wary of the books content.

Then I read the book.

And I LOVED it.

To say it’s solely about being a "bitch" or being "black" (the protagonist is the latter, but I personally wouldn't call her the former) would be an insulting simplification. Of course race and bitches do feature, but to view the book through such narrow paradigms would be misunderstanding its spirit. The book explores a plethora of topics with humour and frankness. From politics to religion, gender, identity, dating, homosexuality, abortion, suicide down to stalking your ex's new girlfriend on the internet (don't judge we've all been there!).

It’s been a while since I read book that so aptly pulls down the veil between the public personas us women project and the private person we hide.

As you guys already know, every time I feel inspired by something it normally prompts a 'blog list'. So as is my tradition.....

10 things Bitch is the new Black solidified for me

1) At some point in her life most (if not all) women will have a ‘Dexter’

A ‘Dexter’ is any man a woman keeps around due to a lack of options and a momentary lapse in judgment. Our 'Dexter' is that pivotal relationship, which teaches us that we can love a man who is wholly inappropriate for us.

Every time we break up with our Dexter we swear (well lie) to ourselves that we will never get back together. Then somehow they end up in our bedrooms. We loathe them, love them and (eventually) leave them. Yet whatever the outcome, we never forget our ‘Dexter’.

2) Every woman needs a ‘Gina’

A ‘Gina’ is our loyal, crazy, frank, lovable and permanent friend. Some friends are in it just for the ride, but Gina's? They ride, die and then somehow manage to resurrect themselves to plot another harebrained scheme involving the destruction of a member of the opposite sex. A Gina is the co-conspirator who enables our insanity but is bold enough (and loves us enough) to tell us when we’re being completely delusional.

3) Acronyms are stupid

4) The ‘Good Men Drought’ isn't limited to the UK

Estelle's "American Boy" gave me the (false) hope that whilst on my American travels I’d stumble across my American Boy who’d make all the frogs I’ve kissed before become nothing but a distant memory. Apparently not. The ‘Good Men Drought is a global phenomenon. Crap.

Sidebar: I'm Team Blackberry however Steve jobs if you're reading..... The day you folks at Apple create an iPhone that can detect all single, fully employed, attractive males (of a decent height and character) who aren’t petrified of my mother…. I will jump ship.

5) Whether we like it or not, one day one of our friend’s will die.

Death is depressing so I’d rather not expound on this point. What I will say is I’m still hoping (and praying) all of us get to grow old with our friends and then get raptured to (shoe) heaven.

6) Cultivating a good relationship with our mums is one of most fulfilling things we can ever do.

Helena's mum (her name's Frances) will probably need her own book soon. She’s the type of woman that could take a plane hostage armed with no weapons yet somehow make all the hostages on the plane fall in love with her.

7) Being in your twenties doesn't get any easier with time, but it does become funnier (in a gallows humour kind of way)

8) Having a boss that lacks emotional intelligence is a rite of passage.

9) When a woman is unafraid to embrace who she really is, the sky's the limit.

10) Life Goes on so you must move on.

After death, being made redundant (or fired), being kidnapped...Whatever life throws at you, you’ll eventually have to move on. Because even if you don’t, life will.

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So there’s my blog list, inspired by ‘Bitch is the new Black’ ! If you liked the list (and even if you didn’t) order the book : ) -→ Click here.

Sidebar: For those of you making your behinds sore by sitting on the fence about the book you can read an excerpt at Honey Magazine! Click here.

Since I love you all that much, courtesy of the lovely people at Harper Collins and LuxeLife Media we’re the first UK website to be given complimentary copies!!! I've got two copies to give away as a gift to one of you guys and it's also a way of me saying thank you for tolerating my madness.

To enter you need to either be following me on Google connect, Twitter , Blog Lovin or be a Youtube subscriber (click any of the related icons on this page and it'll direct you straight to the relevant site). If you’re none of these, please take the time to become one, it’ll take all of 3 minutes and you could potentially win a great book!

Sidebar: If you're in my family, don't you dare apply. Especially you aunty. Yes you aunty!

Leave a comment on this post (say whatever comes to mind it doesn't even have to relate to the post, heck you could write ‘Banana’s have feelings too’) and crucially your email. The two winners will be chosen at random. I’m going to keep the competition open for a week and announce the winners in next week Friday's blog!

Till next time,

Christiana

xxx


P.S I know I have a lot of readers overseas, but this competition is only open to my UK readers. I'm sorry please don't virtually punch/hex me, I have a great giveaway coming up for everyone later this month : )

Where I've gone wrong

Despite my initial reservations, I’ve come to like Twitter (for those that refuse to succumb to social pressure and join, it’s basically Facebook’s sexier cousin with less emotional baggage). You never quite know what you’re going to get when you log in.What you can generally count on is a stream of tweets where people attempt to demonstrate their wisdom in 140 characters (dubbed ‘deep tweets’). The main propagator of deep tweets is Rev Run, who’s undoubtedly the cause behind the effect. His borderline cult following (all determined to retweet him into the record books) has meant at some point every Twitter resident has become a pseudo life coach.

Sidebar: Am I the only person that’s convinced Rev Run sends all his tweets whilst in the bath?

Yesterday, after reading a deep tweet (that was so deep I couldn’t quite figure it out) my mind wandered and I thought…

‘Instead of trying to show our ‘wisdom’ why don’t we tweet (speak) more about what we don’t know or where we’ve gone wrong in life?’

Although social media has meant we’re probably the most exposed generation ever, paradoxically many of us have become experts at concealing the issues that plague us. In that sense elements of social media are nothing more than a sham. It’s all a construction. Pictures uploaded and statuses updated, all to help us project what we want people to believe our lives are like. Consequently a Twitter/Facebook page isn’t necessarily indicative of what’s going on in a person’s life.

As social media is often used to project and create alter-ego’s (I call it Beyonce Sasha syndrome), it’s sometimes difficult to stumble upon forums where people honestly discuss where they’ve gone wrong in life and their gaps in knowledge. And the only forums where this occurs seem to be those where participants are afforded anonymity.

Normally when I write a blog it’s very much a matter of fact "it’s myyyyy opinion’ post. Next month will be two years since I lost my blog virginity and in that time I haven’t written a post where I speak about where I’ve gone wrong in life. Which means I’m obviously part of the problem! Of course I’ll often allude to self-inflicted misfortune, however I’ve never written an actual post.

Sidebar: Did I tell you guys about TongGate? I really need to write a blog on why you should never just wander into hairdressers, no matter how desperate you are for a tong!

So this morning (at about 4 am!) I decided to write a post where I outline the areas where I’ve got it wrong. I’m not writing this post because it’s cathartic. I’m writing this blog in the hope that by reading about my mistakes, someone may glean something that prevents them from traveling down a path that leads to nowhere.

Where I’ve gone wrong

1) I had a sense of entitlement
For the longest time I believed I deserved to earn certain things in my lifetime. Consequently I lost a lot of crucial working time believing things would come to me simply because I 'deserved' it. Then one day it hit me. If you're privileged enough to wake up in the morning, that is the only gift that God/the Cosmos/whatever you believe in will give you that day. Anything else that comes to me will not be because I’m entitled to it, it'll only come if I work for it.

2) I’ve allowed my time to be stolen
I’ve spent way too much time worrying, engaged in pointless relationships, on Facebook, going to futile industry parties filled with vapid pretentious individuals…The list is endless. The worst thing is part of me knew I was wasting my time when I engaged in this activity, yet I persisted because I hadn’t realised how precious time is. Sadly, unlike stolen goods, stolen time can never be retrieved.

3) I didn’t learn financial discipline when I should have
When I was about 15 my dad gave a book called ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’. I didn’t read it for another 5 years. Why? Because my dad gave it to me and I was going though that phase all teenagers go through, when they believe they know everything and their parents know nothing. There is a possibility that if I’d read the book I would have developed better financial habits earlier. Instead I can honestly say my years have been spent accumulating things (well clothes really) that I don’t need, yet I’ve justified purchasing them by claiming my frivolous wants are needs.

4) I didn't speak up when I needed to
Despite the fact I talk a lot (some would say too much!) there have been too many occasions when I haven’t spoken up when it’s really counted.

5) During university I was fixated with the destination, rather than the journey
I was so caught up in the end result and the kudos that came with attaining a certain degree classification, I forgot to enjoy the journey.

6) I didn’t listen properly
When I speak about listening, I’m not referencing to the pauses we take whilst the other person speaks and we’re busy figuring out what we’re going to say next. I’m speaking about listening to those things people are not bold enough to say, but we intuitively know they want to. My decision to not ‘listen’ to the unspoken and always wanting ‘my way’, has meant I’ve selfishly overlooked the needs of others for my own satisfaction.

7) I wasn’t present in the moment
I'd become so obsessed with success, trying to "create my future" and dreaming about what would be, I missed out on what was. The combination of constantly multitasking and over-thinking meant I wasn’t present in the moment and missed out on the fullness of many experiences because my mind was elsewhere.

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So there they are, the areas of my life where I’ve gone wrong. I can’t say that now I get all those areas right, life is never that simple. But I’m on a journey where I attempt to fix them.

So since I’ve shared, I’d like to know…. Where have you gone wrong?

Christiana xxx

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Dating Inertia

In the past few weeks, I have had to politely decline going on numerous dates with men that my family and friends took it upon themselves to set me up with. Now I know they have my best interests at heart and my reluctance to be set up on dates is a bit counter-intuitive. I know I probably seem like an uppity ingrate. It’s just that I’m not a fan of blind dates! The term alone doesn’t exactly inspire confidence! Furthermore when it comes to being set up with people, my history is littered with screw-ups.

The last time I was coerced into a blind date the word disastrous doesn’t even suffice as a description for what happened. It was so awful it made me want to rip out my uterus and then become a nun. Just to ensure if I was ever overtaken by a sudden madness (or desperation) and entertained a relationship with such a man, the two of us could never be able to punish the world by procreating.

Sidebar: The date post-mortem conducted with a few friends revealed that politics, religion and finance are the three topics to avoid on a first (blind) date.

Despite the fact history demonstrates that setting me up with someone is probably not going to work, my friends and family persist in their quest to get me with someone they deem appropriate.

A few days ago my friend approached me with another ‘perfect candidate’ who managed to meet (what he perceives as) my ‘stringent’ criteria. After he plugged Mr Perfect for about 10 minutes I said …

‘Thanks but no thanks. I think I’ll pass on this one. I know you’ve already agreed on my behalf so to save face tell Mr Perfect I have swine flu. Or I’m busy because I’m going through the final surgery for my gender reassignment.’

Perplexed that I wasn’t giddy with excitement at the prospect of meeting Mr Perfect, my friend gave me the ‘stop being so picky’ speech. Unfortunately he’s completely misunderstood me. I don’t think I’m being picky. It’s just that (much to the distress of my mum and aunt) I’m going through a phase I've called ‘dating inertia’. Suddenly I’ve taken the decision to grind my dating life to a halt. Why? I just cannot be bothered....!

It’s not like I’ve ever been a dating enthusiast. Like bras, I think dates are a necessary evil. They're there to give support but rarely prove to be a good fit. However I am aware if I continue with my dating inertia, I may end up being an old bag lady with saggy tits, who sits on a sofa surrounded by newspapers and sexy stilettos, but I can’t wear the stilettos because I’ve had a double hip replacement (I’m divulging my deepest fear here guys!).

The reaction to my decision to go through a 'no dating phase' hasn't been positive.

Sidebar: My aunt (literally) fell on her knees in a very dramatic Nigerian (film) fashion and wailed ‘Jesus! How will this girl ever get married? ’. She then took the opportunity to pray to God that I would never have to have sex with a broke man (I’m being very serious).

I think part of the problem is I don’t have a great justification for my dating inertia. I’d love to be able to say I’m finding myself, that I’m on this incredible journey of self-discovery and I don’t want any interruptions. But I’d be lying. I just simply cannot be bothered.

The funny thing is, like my brief obsession with the colour pink, my dating inertia is (probably) a phase that one day I’ll look back on with a mix of horror and bewilderment. However the reaction to it is making me want to stick here for a bit longer!

What irks me is that if I was a man I probably wouldn’t be questioning my decision or be questioned for my decision! Single men are allowed to just be. Whatever they choose to do isn’t judged or inspected by their nearest and dearest. After all they have no expiry date, with age they appreciate in value. Single women? Unfortunately patriarchy means the opposite (apparently) occurs. With time we become ‘devalued’ and a less attractive commodity on the dating market place. This means single women have to deal with things that single men don’t. Constant questions about the state of their love life, the reminder that they need to ‘lower the bar’ and of course loving friends and family attempting to play matchmaker. And I think that’s part of my resistance. I don’t want to be helped from my apparent ‘helplessness’. And I definitely don’t want to conform and jump back into dating rat race.

Apparently we’ve evolved so much as a society the common belief is all single women are obsessed with not being single. And any woman who chooses not be obsessed with freeing herself from the 'chains' of singlehood is either…

a) Lying to herself
b) Abnormal
c) The kind of woman who licks car windows for a hobby e.g. a weirdo

Which can’t be true can it? Even the SATC ladies who spent many lunches speaking about men at least had another obsession…clothing!

What’s causing me to believe that I may be option a (or even option b), is that I keep running into women who are afraid to be alone and perpetuate the myth that single women are men obsessed.

So…. I have a few questions for you guys….!

Am I alone? Am I abnormal? Are there other women out there who have gone through brief phases when they couldn’t be bothered to date? (and since my aunt will kill me if I don’t ask this question) What do you think is the cure for dating inertia?

Let me know!

Christiana xxx

Why Are we friends?

‘Be intellectually and morally rigorous in your own decision making and expect that the important people in your life do the same, if they want to stay important to you’
Rachael Maddow

Last year, after a bit of soul searching and much debating with my friends and family, I recorded a video blog called ‘The Friendship Detox’.





(Feel free to watch it if you haven’t watched it already as I think it will further illuminate today’s blog post!)

Like any three-minute video that attempts to dissect a meaty topic, my video blog has many shortcomings. However it served its purpose and promoted a message I believe(d) in. We have to be cautious of who we label a friend and do our utmost to ensure we surround ourselves with the best people we can. Some would argue that having such a perspective towards friendship is elitist. Well yes, I’m an unapologetic ‘friend elitist’. I only want the best people in my life because mediocre friends are excessively emotionally, mentally (and even financially) taxing. Yeah I said it lol!

In hindsight I realise when I recorded the blog part of me was quite complacent. At the time I believed my inner circle of friends was unlikely to change. Unbeknownst to me over the next few months I’d undergo changes that meant friendships I’d presumptuously labelled eternal, were (sadly) ephemeral.

Furthermore what became apparent was….

a) A Friendship Detox wasn’t the great precautionary measure I’d once believed it was! Yes it was a useful tool, however the reality was there were unsuitable friends that would remain undetected by detox.

b) As I am the common denominator in all the failed friendships I’ve had, I was clearly doing something wrong. I would need to learn how to be a better friend!

c) Assessing and monitoring the quality of my friends (and what kind of friend I am) is not a once in a lifetime event. Believing that’s the case is like eating a healthy meal once a month, then filling our bodies with junk for the rest and thinking we’re living a healthy lifestyle. Like maintaining the health of our bodies, the maintenance of our friendships is a constant process.

Sidebar: I was going to use a ‘weave analogy’ however I’ve been told I use too many weave analogies. I promise I’ll stop. (I’m lying).

As I began to assess and monitor my friends it led me to ask myself an important question….

‘Why are we friends?’

Up until this point I hadn’t thought about why my friends were my friends. I knew how we became friends, what we did as friends but I never asked myself why we were friends because I thought it was a stupid question!

If asked a few months ago ‘Why are you and person x friends?’ I’d probably respond, ‘erm well cause I like them and they’re a good person.’ As annoying as I find a lot of the human species (I’m sure the feeling’s mutual) I actually like most of the people I encounter. And I also believe most people are good (I know it’s slightly idealistic isn’t it?). Therefore simply ‘liking’ someone and believing they’re ‘good’ isn’t really the most solid criteria for friendship. If I used this criteria 99% of the people I know would be labelled friends!

However when we seriously ask ourselves ‘why are we friends?’ we will invariably have to examine the foundation of our relationship and discover what really makes that friendship tick. And that’s why so many of us avoid the ‘why are we friends?’ question because we’re afraid of the answers we’ll get and how they may reveal underlying issues.

For example: ‘Why are we friends…?’

Is it because we have ‘history’ that binds us and although we have little in common we persist in honouring the past, though our presents have clearly diverged?

Is it because we’re a good fit and in each other have found a support system?

Is it because you put me on guest list for the right parties?

Is it because I lack self worth and allow you to put me down to make yourself feel better?

Is it because we’re similar and you understand me?

Is it because we want to advance each other’s careers through each other?

Is it because we help each other become better people?

Is it because you enables my bad behaviour and never point out my faults?

Is it because we indulge each other’s superficiality and avoid speaking about meaningful subjects?

Is it because I’m afraid of you but even more fearful of venturing out and meeting new people?

There are millions of potential answers to this question! However it's not just discovering the answer that matters, it's the actions we take afterwards that count. I know there are probably some people that think the impulse behind this post is me trying to be divisive and break up friendships. Not at all! You see after honestly asking the question ‘why are we friends?’ it may lead to one of two outcomes

1) The dissolution of pseudo-friendships
2) The strengthening of genuine friendships

Sidebar: In most cases the outcome's not that dramatic! All that’s required is a slight redefinition of the friendship and readjusting how you relate to that person, specifically what you tell them.

Whilst the friendship detox was about getting rid of the bad eggs, I want to drive home the point of asking ‘why are we friends?’ is to reveal the good friends we do have! As worthwhile friendships can withstand scrutiny, this question is a method of detecting our genuine friends so we can nurture those friendships (as opposed to finding our fake friends and getting rid of them!). Even the friendships we choose to end don't necessarily need to end on bad terms. One of my biggest mistakes in the past has been ending friendships in a flurry of drama, which in hindsight was stupid and hiked up my phone bill. Arguing and fighting with friends is childish. It’s better to let it go on a good note. Decide to establish distance yet maintain civil relations so you’re both able to look back on better times fondly.

At the end of the day we must always query our actions. Asking ourselves ‘why’ we do things is necessary. Not doing so is the quickest way to end up like (insert name of crack addict celebrity). Our friends have such a great influence on our lives, if we don’t ever query why they’re around we’re at risk of being surrounded by people who are wholly inappropriate and becoming someone we don’t want to be.

Therefore now and again we must take the time to ask ‘Why are we friends?’

Christiana

xxx