Last week, after hours (well minutes) of internally arguing with myself, I finally wrote a blog topic I’d been avoiding (click here to read ‘How to attract a man’).
As I’ve already discussed I think as women we can often be (understandably) overly preoccupied with ‘attracting’ men, when the question that really matters is ‘how to keep a man’.
Sidebar: The word ‘keep’ implies that men are animals that need to be caged and trained into submission, rather than intelligent humans who stay in relationships out of their own volition. So to phrase the question in a more sophisticated manner, I guess what needs to be asked is ‘how do I sustain a meaningful relationship with the right man’.
Despite the fact I explicitly stated that I am no authority on ‘how to keep a man’ and will (probably) never write a blog on the matter, I got countless requests to do just that. My mum’s been happily married for nearly 25 years and I doubt she’d even attempt to publish a definitive answer to that question!
The truth is I don’t believe there’s any formula to ensure one ‘keeps’ a man. In fact there seems to be no formulas to give us the things we really need in life. Things like love, happiness, fulfilment, peace of mind…..Of course there are tools we can implement to make them more likely to occur, but there is no golden rule. And if there is a formula I’m convinced it’s esoteric!
On the other hand, based on empirical observation (via my personal experiences and those of the people around me), I’d like to think of myself as a pseudo-expert on how to lose a man!. And as my tongue seems to be permanently fixed in my cheek I thought I’d do a blog entry dedicated to all my discoveries. So here it is…
How to Lose A Man
Sidebar:This list is far from exhaustive because I could literally go on forever. So do feel free to add any glaring omissions in the comments section!!
1) Talk too much (nonsense).
2)Constantly put him down: Critique is one thing but constant criticism is probably the surest way to annoy someone so much they want to throat punch you.
Sidebar: I’m not condoning violence, Chris Brown is evidence that when you’re that angry it’s wiser to just throat punch (or bite) yourself, than lose your career.
3)Act really needy. Like 20 missed calls, 9 tweets, 3 Facebook messages, calling into a radio station to dedicate a song to him needy….
4)Use sex as a weapon.
5)Make absolutely no effort with your appearance.
6)Bring up your ex at every opportune moment.
7) Have unnecessary attitude.
8) Reveal you’re crazy too early
I’m a firm believer in suppressing how crazy you are during the earlier stages of the relationship. It’s not really beneficial for a man to know we’re stalking his Facebook wall and take it upon on ourselves to investigate any (non-blood relative) female that likes his statuses/writes in his wall with what we deem to be a high frequency.
9)Reveal how crazy you’re too late
I’m not sure when it’s the optimum moment for a woman to reveal her inner crazy (every phenomenal woman is slightly crazy. Fact). But all I know is you mustn’t reveal your inner crazy too late, because then you just look. …well crazy. The best thing to do is to place little clues along the way instead of randomly having a full ‘crazy woman exposure’ meltdown. Then again this is coming from a woman who instead of honestly telling a man ‘I don’t like your clothes babes’ simply steals the most hideous items and throws them in the bin when she leaves his house.
10)Demonstrate that you have his worst interests at heart.
11)Call him crying over something really stupid (more than twice a week).
12)Use passive aggressive tactics to meet his friends/family, when deep down you both know it’s quite clear he wants you nowhere near his friends and family.
Sidebar: I recently witnessed a young man spend a lot of money (a figure that’s equal to the average UK monthly salary) by purchasing exotic weave for a woman he liked. After getting her weave sewn in she left him. How relevant is this tale? In hindsight it's not that relevant, but it’s so tragic I’ve been looking for a way to share it.
14)Constantly springing the ‘where is the relationship going?’ question and expecting a different response.
15) Allow your morally slack ‘friend’ who has a habit of sleeping with other women’s boyfriends/husband in his presence.
16) Become what you think he wants you to be, rather than being yourself.
17) Insist on texting/bbming/calling him when drunk(ish) * hangs head in shame *
18) Emasculate him.
19) Confess that the first time you met you were secretly hoping he was asking for your number on behalf of his (better looking) friend….
20) Admit you’ve already picked a wedding date.
Christiana : )