How to Lose a man!

Last week, after hours (well minutes) of internally arguing with myself, I finally wrote a blog topic I’d been avoiding (click here to read ‘How to attract a man’).

As I’ve already discussed I think as women we can often be (understandably) overly preoccupied with ‘attracting’ men, when the question that really matters is ‘how to keep a man’.

Sidebar: The word ‘keep’ implies that men are animals that need to be caged and trained into submission, rather than intelligent humans who stay in relationships out of their own volition. So to phrase the question in a more sophisticated manner, I guess what needs to be asked is ‘how do I sustain a meaningful relationship with the right man’.

Despite the fact I explicitly stated that I am no authority on ‘how to keep a man’ and will (probably) never write a blog on the matter, I got countless requests to do just that. My mum’s been happily married for nearly 25 years and I doubt she’d even attempt to publish a definitive answer to that question!

The truth is I don’t believe there’s any formula to ensure one ‘keeps’ a man. In fact there seems to be no formulas to give us the things we really need in life. Things like love, happiness, fulfilment, peace of mind…..Of course there are tools we can implement to make them more likely to occur, but there is no golden rule. And if there is a formula I’m convinced it’s esoteric!

On the other hand, based on empirical observation (via my personal experiences and those of the people around me), I’d like to think of myself as a pseudo-expert on how to lose a man!. And as my tongue seems to be permanently fixed in my cheek I thought I’d do a blog entry dedicated to all my discoveries. So here it is…

How to Lose A Man

Sidebar:This list is far from exhaustive because I could literally go on forever. So do feel free to add any glaring omissions in the comments section!!

1) Talk too much (nonsense).

2)Constantly put him down: Critique is one thing but constant criticism is probably the surest way to annoy someone so much they want to throat punch you.

Sidebar: I’m not condoning violence, Chris Brown is evidence that when you’re that angry it’s wiser to just throat punch (or bite) yourself, than lose your career.

3)Act really needy. Like 20 missed calls, 9 tweets, 3 Facebook messages, calling into a radio station to dedicate a song to him needy….

4)Use sex as a weapon.

5)Make absolutely no effort with your appearance.

6)Bring up your ex at every opportune moment.

7) Have unnecessary attitude.

8) Reveal you’re crazy too early
I’m a firm believer in suppressing how crazy you are during the earlier stages of the relationship. It’s not really beneficial for a man to know we’re stalking his Facebook wall and take it upon on ourselves to investigate any (non-blood relative) female that likes his statuses/writes in his wall with what we deem to be a high frequency.

9)Reveal how crazy you’re too late
I’m not sure when it’s the optimum moment for a woman to reveal her inner crazy (every phenomenal woman is slightly crazy. Fact). But all I know is you mustn’t reveal your inner crazy too late, because then you just look. …well crazy. The best thing to do is to place little clues along the way instead of randomly having a full ‘crazy woman exposure’ meltdown. Then again this is coming from a woman who instead of honestly telling a man ‘I don’t like your clothes babes’ simply steals the most hideous items and throws them in the bin when she leaves his house.

10)Demonstrate that you have his worst interests at heart.

11)Call him crying over something really stupid (more than twice a week).

12)Use passive aggressive tactics to meet his friends/family, when deep down you both know it’s quite clear he wants you nowhere near his friends and family.

13)Bankrupt him.

Sidebar: I recently witnessed a young man spend a lot of money (a figure that’s equal to the average UK monthly salary) by purchasing exotic weave for a woman he liked. After getting her weave sewn in she left him. How relevant is this tale? In hindsight it's not that relevant, but it’s so tragic I’ve been looking for a way to share it.

14)Constantly springing the ‘where is the relationship going?’ question and expecting a different response.

15) Allow your morally slack ‘friend’ who has a habit of sleeping with other women’s boyfriends/husband in his presence.

16) Become what you think he wants you to be, rather than being yourself.

17) Insist on texting/bbming/calling him when drunk(ish) * hangs head in shame *

18) Emasculate him.

19) Confess that the first time you met you were secretly hoping he was asking for your number on behalf of his (better looking) friend….

20) Admit you’ve already picked a wedding date.

Christiana : )

xxx

Why I don't care about Sex and the City 2

Hey guys!

Two things before I start today's blog entry

1) A massive thanks to Bossip.com for putting 'The Beauty Trick' video on their website. It's such a big website, to receive love from them is very humbling and really encouraging. So thank you Bossip!!! Oh yeah you can check it out by clicking ----> HERE!

2) I know making myself today's blog topic picture probably seems a bit narcissistic but there is good reason! On Sunday, I did a photo shoot for a feature in a magazine called WWIT. The entire shoot and interview will be in their June issue (I'll put a link up for it as soon as it comes out). As you all know I love clothes so it was a lot of fun wearing loads of hot clothes but oh so hard to let them go at the end of the day. Just want to thank the editor Dennis Lye and stylist Ivie Okhions (follow her on Twitter @MissIvieEVEY definitely one to watch!) for an amazing day.

Right! Today's topic..

As I've mentioned countless times on this blog, I love Carrie Bradshaw. I lived vicariously through Carrie and the girls throughout Secondary School. I looked at them with eyes filled with admiration and awe.

I couldn't help but look up to them (and surprisingly) it wasn't just because of their enviable closets. It was because they were the first post-feminist icons who appealed to me simply by their choice to be themselves, no matter the cost.

Sidebar: Carrie Bradshaw, Margaret Thatcher, Cassie (the protagonist in Mildred D Taylor's 'Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry' and Daria are (about 39% of) the reason why I started blogging.

Considering this week marks the release of the highly anticipated Sex and the City sequel, I should be numb with excitement. Except, I don't care. At all. I care more about whether Jedward
make a comeback, than whether Aidan and Carrie rekindle their cursed flame.

In fact if it wasn't for my best friend insisting that we honour tradition and go to see the sequel together, I'd probably never watch the film. Since no one seems to get my sudden disgust with Sex and the City (the movies, not the show) I thought I'd risk e-execution at the hands of the internet fashionista gangstas and blog about it.

10 reasons why I don't care about SATC 2

1) In the SATC movies it's like all the protagonists have suddenly fallen victim to a personality disorder.They behave in a manner their younger selves would despise and physically recoil at. For example, the strong, powerful and unapologetic Miranda morphs into a version of herself that never existed and stays with a man who cheats on her. In that scene where she meets the unbearably whiny Steve at the bridge all I could think was 'Why didn't they just leave this as a show?"

2) At least one of the fab four needs to gain weight. Did the producers write in a time vacuum? Don't they realise curves are in and the size zero thing is just...well horrific to look at.

3) Let's be honest. It's not a film. It's a glorified clothing catalogue veiled by a shoddily written (and ridiculously cliched) script. I'm used to product placement and understand why it exists in our current advertising climate (Coca Cola if you ever need me to plug you I'm up for it). However to promote the film as a genuine celebration of the modern women and their relationship with clothing is as disingenuous as the current Conservative 'coalition'. A major appeal of SATC in its earlier days was (bar Carrie's affection for Manolo's) the clothing worn was accessible and affordable for the every day working woman. Now? It's obscenely expensive and they're trying too hard to create fashion moments and they're (ironically) parodying themselves.

Sidebar: How on earth did the producers manage to forget a little global event called the credit crunch??!

4) Like the TV show Friend's, SATC somehow managed to be set in NY yet avoid casting ethnic minorities. Aware of this stain on their legacy for the first movie they casted an Oscar winner (Jennifer Hudson) and had her play an assistant who's joyous at receiving 'her first Louis Vuitton' from Carrie as a gift.

Sidebar: I couldn't help but cringe during that scene. Note to the SATC producers, there are millions of women of colour who can afford Louis Vuitton handbags all by themselves.

In the sequel (a bit like Cheryl Cole's body) the 'fill the diversity quota' assistant has vanished.

5) It recently dawned on me that these women are old enough to be my mum. And in comparison to my mother and all the mother's I look up to, frankly they're style over substance.

6) I hate the fact we're being told a bunch of women in their forties/fifties, clinging desperately onto their youth, wearing outfits that make them look ridiculous, unable to move their faces because of botox, having conversations that were taboo about 10 years ago..... are somehow representative of women everywhere. Really? Are you having a laugh?

7) I don't really like films (in general). At age 6 I remarked they were 'books for people that can't be bothered to read and use their imaginations', I was told by my uncle to shut up. 17 years later I can finally appreciate the beauty in some films, however when you take the time to carefully deconstruct a film like SATC2 it makes me think my 6 year old self may have been right.

8) Samantha has always been a controversial character. She's bold, intelligent, happily single and unafraid to speak extensively about her love of sex. She left many (both men and women) polarised as to whether a character like her was a step forward or backwards for women. The saddest thing about the films has been the lack of evolution in Samantha's character. In the final season of the show we see her bravely beat cancer and conquer an inner demon by finally allowing herself to be loved. Sadly the films haven't allowed for any further growth.

9) Mr Big is about as pleasant as thrush. There. I said it.

10) Many of us who fell in love with the show did so because it was about amazing women who wouldn't allow men to define them. The clothes, the men, the drama were just props whilst the women took centre stage. Although they lived in what for many of us was (and still is) another world, there was that common bond. Like all women they sometimes spent too much time speculating about men but at the very core of the show was their journey towards self-determination. With or without men they would get it together. And how did they do it? With their friends. And that's what I loved about it! What many missed was that it was a 6 season long 'friendship story', as opposed to a love story! Now? It's become the opposite. The clothes, the men and the drama have taken centre stage, whilst the women and their meaningful friendships with each other have become the props.

I am saddened.

So there are my reasons! I have a feeling I'm not completely alone on this one...interested to know your thoughts. Please let me know!

Christiana

xxx

The Burden of Expectation

It’s been close to a year since I graduated (my gosh time flies) and whenever I see people who I haven’t spoken to for a while, our conversation follows a predictable pattern. They ask how I am, I respond that I am well and enquire as to how they are.

Sidebar: We all know people rarely answer the question ‘How are you?” with an honest answer…so why do we still bother asking it and pretend that we believe their reponse?

Suddenly their eyes gleam with a blend of excitement and expectation, and they ask…

‘"So where do you work?"

As their minds struggle to absorb the fact that I haven't sold my soul to a FTSE 100 company for a comfortable salary and the respect such jobs automatically command, I attempt to change the subject. However as most conversations about life involve people trying to impose their life view on others, they begin their personal campaign to change my life view in 10 minutes.

They then begin to probe as to why I haven’t taken a traditional route and demand to know when I will get my ‘act together’ .You know, begin the banal routine that most of our generation will be engaged in until we retire.

Sleep,Eat,Commute,Work. Sleep, Eat, Commute, Work.

A routine built to sap the life out of people so their senses become so dulled they forget that life isn’t a rehearsal. And before we know it we’ve spent the bulk of our time on earth, dedicating our life to something we don't quite believe in, working for someone we don't like, living in a house that we may never really own.

So when having the ‘when will you get an impressive corporate job?’ conversation, I rarely argue my case.

Sidebar: Expressing your dreams out loud to people that don’t get it is the quickest way to assure them of your arrogance or insanity. I stay silent; they're kinder when they believe you’re stupid or misguided : )

I just pretend I agree and end the conversation with

‘Thank you (insert name), I’m really determined to get a job that matches my intellect now’

or

‘You’re right’.

And they smile, satisfied that they’ve done their job.

The conversations used to annoy me. Then I realized just like Jehovah Witnesses’ that have a knack for knocking on your door at the worst possible moment, their intention isn’t to annoy. Their concern is my security and since our society has associated security with a ‘9-5’ job, they want me to take the path that guarantees I'm able to accumulate all the things that will apparently demonstrate to the world that I’m a success. The mortgage, kids in private education, fancy cars, designer clothes. And it’s not that I don't want these things for myself, but the idea that they can only be attained via one path...well that sounds slightly ludicrous.

After having to constantly have variants of the same conversation, I now really understand how cumbersome it is to carry the burden of other people’s expectations. There’s actually nothing wrong in people having expectations of us, in fact they can be good for us. If set at the right level, they’re something to strive towards and even if set ‘too high’ they can empower us to perform beyond our capacity.

Contrarily, when we begin to shape our lives solely based on the expectations of others, (without defining and knowing what’s best for us) those expectations become burdens.

Sadly I’ve come to conclude that too many of us are living the version of our life that makes everyone happy but us. We observe religious rites we don’t believe in, stay in relationships with people we don’t like and do occupations we weren’t built for, all because it’s what’s ‘expected’ of us.

I guess this should be the point where I write ‘follow your heart and blaze your own trail, live your dream and no one else’s’. It would be the ‘right’ thing to write and I really do believe in it. Sadly it’s easy advice to give and much harder advice to live.Our decisions are not made in a vacuum, they impact everyone around us and without the support of friends and loved ones, the ‘unsafe option' is an even harder path to take.

Nevertheless, as idealistic as it may sound, I think being courageous and honest with oneself will always pay off. Sticking to your vision and gut instinct will always outweigh the benefits of conforming. Heck,it’s hard enough making your own dreams come true; let alone living someone else’s!

So to whoever’s reading that is going through a similar experience, I hope you keep striving, keep believing and keep making your dreams a reality. Eventually, it’ll all come together and suddenly everyone else will ‘get it’.

Christiana

xxx

How to 'Attract' A Man....?

Happy Monday!

Before I start with today’s entry, I just wanted to mention that yesterday I was featured in the ‘Blog Off’ column, in The Sunday Times’ Style Magazine! Click here for a picture or here for a link.

Good times : )

Right! Last week someone wrote this comment in the shoutbox

"xtiana do you have any advice on how as a woman I (can) get a guy I am interested in to be more than just friends. I need help haha seriously”

The question of ‘how to attract the man you want’ is one that has plagued women for decades (I’d say centuries but my History knowledge is limited). Almost weekly I get an email asking me this very question! Thus far I’ve been reluctant to attempt to write a blog entry on it because…

1) The little part of me that’s a feminist wouldn’t allow me to. I think us women spend a disproportionate amount of our time worrying about whether what we project is what people (well men) perceive as attractive. Consequently our self-esteem and sense of identity is often wrapped up in what others think of us, not what we believe about ourselves. Part of me believed that by writing a blog entry on this subject I would be perpetuating another (more serious) problem rather than solving the question being asked.

2) Writing this post would imply that I think I'm some sort of authority on attracting men. I can assure you I’m not and do not believe I am. My ‘man history’ (is that the correct term?) is littered with idiots, if anything my advice should be discarded.

3) I think it’s a myopic question. Attracting a man (whether by internal or external beauty) doesn’t mean much. It’s keeping him that matters! If I’d figured out ‘how to keep a man’ I’d be a millionaire not a (recovering) shopaholic avoiding her bank statements (Screw you Santander).

Nevertheless I am going to make a genuine attempt to answer this question.

I contemplated asking for my mother’s opinion and input on this blog post. But then I realised her advice would be far too tactless.

Sidebar: She recently said to me "All the time you’ve spend time spent blogging, if you were focused you would have found a good husband by now and moved out. I need that spare room".

Since my mum would probably only get involved in this post if I paid her (cash, phone cards, facials and doing the cooking are her currency of choice) I thought I’d attempt to write this entry by drawing inspiration from the sprit of my mother and other matriarchs I admire. I also have many friends (current and former) who manage to effortlessly attract calibre men. So I thought I’d attempt to give 5 practical steps based on what I’ve observed them do!

Sidebar: Some women desire felons whose only accessory is an electronic tag, whilst others believe a millionaire is the standard. I realise the 'calibre man' is a relative construct and we all want to attract something slightly different. Therefore I've made the post as generic as possible!

5 Ways to 'Attract' A Man....

(I’d like to reiterate this is a post about attracting, not keeping a man!)


1) Look Good

I remember years ago (I was about 10 or so) and my mum taking aside a young woman, then telling her to lose weight, take better care of herself, put on her pancake (her term for makeup) otherwise she'd never find a husband. I remember dying inside from the sheer embarrassment and thinking that she should have said nothing! In hindsight I realise my mum was right and did that woman a favour.

Taking care of how you look externally is crucial to attracting men. Having a sense of pride and confidence in ones appearance is a component of having a healthy relationship with yourself in general. I don’t even think women should do it for men; we should do it for ourselves!

The bottom line is ‘looking good’ doesn't require that much effort. It all boils down to 4 Steps…

1) Maintaining a healthy weight
2) Neat hair & eyebrows
3) Wearing nice clothes that suit your physique
4) Good hygiene

2) Be friendly and courteous

How many women miss this? Just smile for crying out loud! Even if he's not your type and looks like a cross between a donkey & iguana he's human too (I hope) and deserves respect.

In times gone past I know I’ve unintentionally radiated ‘uber bitch’. And although being an uber bitch can come in handy, when trying to attract men it's probably the worst thing you can be.

3) Be unafraid to Stand (or go out) alone

Seriously!

Women in massive groups = turn off.

Women in pairs = Gives the impression that one (or both) of the women are in a relationship and someone’s acting as a buffer.

Women standing/sitting alone = Wide open (metaphorically speaking lol!)

80% of the time I'm approached by a man, it's because I'm on my stiletto break

Sidebar: Stiletto break = Part of the night when I sit down to ensure my criminally high heels don’t put me in a wheelchair.

After realising that every time I'm alone I get chatted up I did a bit of research and it turns out a woman flying solo exudes a certain confidence and is more likely to attract men.

(I’m lying. I’ve done no research, I’m just trying to add some reliability to my theory)

That being said the type of woman fearless enough to go out alone, without back up, is the type of women unafraid to approach a man herself…. (whole other blog entry).

I digress!

Drop the clique (nights out with big groups of women always end up engulfed in petty politics anyway). Go out alone (do steps 1+2) and watch them flock.

4) Have something (but not too much) to say

I think as women we’re socialised into (overly) understating our intelligence or acting like ‘Barbie’s’ that behave in a coquettish manner. Both become boring (very quickly). A woman must be able to conduct a decent conversation. Contrarily (as I’ve been warned too many times) she mustn’t seem overbearing or unnecessarily argumentative.

5) Don’t act desperate

Desperate, needy, thirsty women who offer themselves on a plate to anyone that appears to have an XY Chromosome lose (in the short and long run). Doing 1-4 yet (ironically) being completely indifferent to whether they work is the secret ingredient that too many of us miss.

So there it is…my list!

Your thoughts please : ) Especially the men reading, anything I’ve missed?!

Christiana

xxx

The Beauty Trick

Happy Friday!

I literally cannot remember the last time I did a video blog. It feels like forever! I didn't intend to take such a long hiatus (what a formal word to describe it as!). It's just I went through a brief existential crisis where I felt I didn't have anything of substance to write or say (hence the diminishing number of blogs in general for a brief season). And then when I was about to get back into it my car accident happened, which threw an unexpected spanner in the works.........Anyway! What matters is that I'm back. And really happy to be.

As you guys know I don't really like to extrapolate on my video blogs in writing because I think that defeats the purpose of doing a vlog in the first place. What I will say is it's a message I wish I'd clocked onto a long time ago (I would have saved myself a lot of trouble) ! Nevertheless I think the day any woman decides to resist the beauty status quo and invest all her energy in internally being the best woman she can be (as defined by her), it's a brilliant thing.

I hope you all enjoy this weeks video blog, as ever I appreciate all your comments (I read all of them! ). I've found that most of the comments on this blog (whether positive,negative,constructive) always tend to be splendid brain food. I think I learn more from your comments than the process of creating the actual blog, so thank you....and keep them coming!!

Ok so that's it! I will be off now, I hope you all have a fab weekend & I'll be back blogging on Monday!

Christiana

xxx

P.S I get a lot of messages about who does my hair& what I do to my hair. Sadly I'm not one of those bloggers who can do hair care tutorials. I do nothing myself and barely keep it together between my treatments. The only reason I look presentable is due to the combination of my hairdresser and little sister (LOVE YOU ODO). My hairdresser is a woman called Amanda (huuuuge shout out) and she owns a salon called Cutting Edge based in South London. For anyone seriously considering using her email me @ christiana@christianarants.com and I'll gladly send on her details!

Is Love Enough?

Those of us on the "love search" who have realised the older you get, the more complicated it becomes (why didn’t they teach us that in school?), often look up to couples who are proof that true love exists and with a bit of patience, our waiting will not be in vain. Some couples we know personally (my parents give me hope) others we’ve never met (if the Obama’s split, I’d go into 7 days of mourning).

Yet despite the fact that most relationships fail, when a couple we’ve elevated to demi-God status split, we are all still shocked (and dare I say troubled).

When speaking about the split with friends or family, someone in the room will inevitably say

‘But they were sooo in love’

Perhaps it’s because as a child Disney films never moved me (I couldn’t comprehend why Ariel would risk being forever mute for a man or what on earth Jasmine saw in Aladdin), so I’ve never been particularly moved by (or believed in) grand illustrations of romance or love. As I’ve grown older and personally experienced what an impact believing one is in love can have on your decision making process, I understand where Ariel and Jasmine were coming from. However (as of yet) I’ve never been able to bring myself to believe in the absolute power of love and utter a hopelessly romantic statement such as….

"I’d be with him even if we had to sleep on the floor, use candles as lights and only had mice as company"

Sidebar: Why is that people (well women) think that the presence of poverty somehow validates their decision to be with someone wholly inappropriate?

I’ve been unable to make that statement not because I prefer opulence to modesty, (or my knowledge that Love can never clear your overdraft) but I think, even if I’m truly, madly, deeply in love….

“Is the sole existence of love enough to sustain a relationship?’

Before I proceed I’d like to make it clear that ideally I do believe love should be the foundation of every relationship. Without Love (such a slippery relative concept isn’t it?) life is meaningless. The absence of love in a relationship equates to misery however the presence of it doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness.

Love is the ‘heart’ of a relationship, it keeps the blood pumping. But try having a heart with no brain, liver or stomach. You’d be dead! (my scientific knowledge is limited but I’m pretty sure I’m right about this). What I’m trying to say (using an odd anatomical analogy) is love works in tandem with other factors. Therefore the decision to focus primarily on it yet neglect everything else would be hazardous to say the least.

Since I keep being dragged into the same argument where crumbing and impractical relationships are defended with the cliché

‘As long as we really love each other, that’s all that matters!’

I thought I'd write list of things that also matter! They may not matter as much as love but too often we underestimate their significance.

N.B: As a pre-emptive counter argument to the inevitable “Love makes all the below factors irrelevant” logic, I will say that love has the ability to cloud our judgement to the point we fool ourselves into believing they're irrelevant and tolerate conditions where we can’t really flourish.

6 Things that matter (nearly) as much as Love

(In no particular order…)


1) Commitment

As much as two people may love each other, if they’re not equally committed to ensuring the relationship goes the distance, it’s got as much chance of longevity as a Funky MC’s career.


2) Personality/Character Compatibility

A lot of people get a buzz out of being with people that are their opposite in terms of personality and character. * Hangs head in shame * In the short run it ensures passion,but in the long run it's more likely to cause annoyance and conflict.

3) Ideological Stances

If two people don’t fundamentally see the world in the same (or in similar) ways, eventually it’s going to be an issue. Obviously it’s near impossible to find someone that agrees with our life view on everything (how boring would that be?), but agreement on the ‘big things’ is key.

4) Money

The part of me that’s a socialist is saddened that this factor has to be on the list. But it’s the year Twenty10. Marx and his communist experiment are dead. Capitalism won and we live in a world where money matters. Too many people split up because of the fact their financial DNA's/ambitions don't match (I read that in a self-help book lol).It doesn’t mean having more money means your relationship is more likely to last. That’s folly. However there is no dignity or joy in being perpetually broke, and a prolonged season of (self-inflicted) brokeness is enough to ruin even the most 'in love' couples.


5) (Their sense of) Identity

If a person doesn’t have a strong sense of who they are and what they want before they get into a relationship, being in a relationship will only further exacerbate their issues and eventually those of whoever they're with.


6) Their Family

A legacy of being born and raised in England by foreign parents is that you often compare the culture of your parents with the culture you’re surrounded by. So I do suspect the inclusion of the family factor is a reflection of the ‘African’ values passed on by my parents.

In my mind it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to divorce a person from the family they come from. I don’t think it’s worthy of being a non-negotiable factor, but the type of family a person comes from will inevitably have some bearing on the trajctory of the relationship. This means it should always be considered and definitely matters.


So that’s my list! Agree? Disagree? Any additions? Genuinely curious on your thoughts on this topic!

Let me know!

Christiana xxx

Lessons I’ve learnt about men,from men

Late last night I tweeted the following:

“Obama election night I went to bed hoping I'd wake up to a better world. UK election & I'm going bed knowing I'll wake up to mediocrity”

I was wrong.

Instead of waking up to mediocrity, I awoke to a hung parliament (which is undoubtedly the most Googled term in the UK today). This is political chaos and it’s all very annoying.
Sidebar: Come back Tony Blair. All is forgiven.

As everyone is (understandably) speaking about the debacle of an election we’ve had, I’ve decided a blog entry non-election related is what we all need. Every now and then I do a retrospective blog post where I outline a few of the things I’ve learnt thus far. Sometimes it’s about a particular person (click here for my personal favourite) but usually it's broad and a bit random.

As we’ve spent a disproportionate amount of the day speaking about a bunch of poorly dressed men, I thought I’d continue with the theme and write about the lessons I’ve learnt about men, from the men I love (and loathe).

All these lessons are subject to change and I may disagree with them in a few years. Why? I’m evolving. I’ve concluded the whole point of these confusing years (aka my twenties) is to discover everything I thought I knew (and believed) in my teenage years isn’t quite how I envisioned it. So please humour me if you disagree with any of the below, there is a possibility within a few years I’ll disagree with myself : )

Lessons I’ve learnt about men, from men

1) It’s not a good idea to send a mocking text to a man when his football team has just lost a crucial match. Men should be allowed to grieve about sport in peace.

2) They mean what they say. For instance ‘ I don’t want a relationship’ really does mean to ‘I don’t want a relationship’, not ‘I don’t want a relationship but I will be seduced, manipulated and cajoled into one’. Any woman who sticks around when a man has made this clear only has herself to blame.

3)Unlike women their lies are much easier to detect.

4) The maxim ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ is false. Reformed (male) cheaters are a bit like reformed terrorists. They’re out there, but for obvious reasons the world would rather not broadcast their transformation.

5)Using how a man treats (or mistreats) his mother isn’t the most accurate litmus test in trying to find out how he’ll treat his girlfriend/wife.

6) They’re not the most sophisticated creatures. In fact if their basic needs are fulfilled (doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure those needs out) they’re pretty happy. However, they’re simultaneously really deep and somehow manage to conceal a plethora of emotions. In short, unlike women they successfully repress their madness and release it via sport, video games or complaining about the electricity bill.

7) They often pretend they have no idea what women are up to, when they know exactly what’s going on. The only exception to this rule are surprise birthday parties.

8) They’re the best people to tell your deepest darkest secrets to. Not because they easily forget, but simply because they weren’t listening that carefully in the first place.

9) Good men > Waste Men > Billionaire men who want to marry me

10) Men that stick by a woman after she cheats on him are about as common as barking cats.

11) They like Sex and the City but won't admit it for fear of condemnation.

12) Feminist literature is wrong. Chasing a man (rather than allow him to pursue you) is a right women should refrain from exercising.

13) If they utter the phrase ‘I’ll call you back’ it’s the equivalent of me saying ‘ Bread Zaaap Zoom’. Meaningless.

14) They’re as equally misunderstood as women. It’s just they complain less.

15) The things us women think they care about, they often couldn’t care less about.

16) Society has created massive expectations for men to fulfill. Unfortunately some can’t match up because

a) Absent fathers means many haven’t been taught how

b) They lack adequate support from the people around them to help them become the man they could be

17) Good food matters.

18) The men the world labels as ‘players’ often aren’t getting as much play as they’d like us to believe. * smirks *

19) They find (slightly) crazy women (very) sexy.

20) Men like my dad are living proof that contrary to the picture the media paint, there are many great men out there, willing to give the world for the women they love.

Christiana xxx

May 6: Make It Count

A week ago my friend Femi and I took to London’s streets (well Oxford and Carnaby Street) to ask young people what their thoughts were on tomorrow’s general election (see the video if you haven’t already). We ran into the odd Politics enthusiast but generally they were apathetic and decided they wouldn’t vote. Due to the fact I was in ‘work’ (rather than ‘debate’) mode it was an inappropriate forum for me to really engage and respectfully challenge them on their stance.

I can’t stand people that don’t/won’t vote.

They annoy me.

On my annoyance Richter scale I’d place them above women that shave off their eyebrows then draw on them back on in a manner that distresses the general public but below T Mobile’s (incompetent) customer service.

Hearing young people that have the privilege of living in a country with a relatively healthy democracy and economy, mope, moan and justify their apathy with clichés is frustrating and insulting to the millions of people fighting and dying to have the same right. I’m not blind to the shortcomings of our political system, neither am I overly impressed with any of our prospective Prime Minster’s or their policies. The reality is we’ve got a bunch of second-class politicians going for a first rate job. I’ve made it clear to anyone who will listen that when I cast my vote tomorrow I’m not endorsing any of them, I’m voting AGAINST the candidates that trouble me the most.

Yet despite the fact I have a feeling whoever I vote for will be the difference between being spat at or someone farting in your face (apologies for the crude image), I am still voting.

I am voting because it matters. There was a time (not so long ago) when it was illegal for people like me (black, female, born in the ‘wrong’ social class) to vote. If there were an attempt to go back to the times when only a select few could vote, there’d be mass outrage. Should it take us losing a right to treasure it? Of course it shouldn’t!

If you’re still on the fence about voting, shouldn’t keeping parties like the BNP out be enough of an incentive? The growth of the BNP is reliant on the apathy of your average (decent) person and the votes of ignorant maniacs on the periphery pushing their sick agenda. In a political and social climate where populist parties like the BNP are galvanising their supporter base and gaining legitimacy by having their racist MP’s walk the corridors of Westminster, now more then ever people need to get out to the polls.

I understand why people don’t like Politics/politicians. All the spin, lies, confusion, patronage, nepotism and activity that brings no change (just confusion) isn’t helpful. However none of that can justify the choice not to vote. If you don’t want to endorse anyone in particular, do what I considered doing a few years ago, soil your ballot sheet in an act of political protest. Even that’s better than not turning up at all.

It boggles my mind that I live on an island where people are willing to spend their hard earned money voting for an X Factor contestant with minimal talent and whose life has no impact on them at all, yet don’t want to walk down to their local school and vote for free in an election that impacts them directly. The irony is, it’s the people that don’t vote, who complain the most.

Sidebar: In November 2008 thousands of Brits had Obama as their profile picture on Farcebook, yet won't vote tomorrow #TragicIrony

Let me stop.

You’ve all got my point.

Tomorrow. May 6. Get involved.

Christiana xxx

p.s. I will assure you all this is my last Politics post for a while. I think it’s only my second ever, so considering it was my degree topic I’m doing ok! Next blog post, I’ll resume to the usual : )

It's not You, It's Me (Seriously)

Happy Tuesday folks : )

Hope you all had a wonderful bank holiday weekend? Mine was marred by the weather. I’m allergic to rain. It makes me melt. I jest. I’m not allergic but it disturbs my spirit greatly. Despite attempts to live my life counter ‘ethnic stereotypes’ (let’s be honest most of them are nothing to aspire to) there are two I can’t shake.

1) I often eat so excessively I become borderline paralysed and then sleep * hangs head *

2) I will cancel any excursion that I’m under no real obligation to attend if it’s raining heavily. I spend too much money my hair to allow the Universe to mess her up. And yes I personify my hair. The amount I spend and care for her means she is merely the rebellious puppy my parents (still) refuse to buy me.

So the long and short of it is there’s not much to report because I spent a disproportionate amount of my time indoors.

Back to blogging!

How many times have you ended a relationship with (or some variant of) the following line?

“It’s not you…it’s me”

When what you really meant is…

‘It’s not me. It’s sooooo you”

The disingenuous ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line is so common it’s become more cliché than Lady GaGa’s attempts at controversy.

Sidebar: Speaking of artists and contrived controversy, MIA your new video? What on earth did ginger people ever do to you? I ‘got’ the political subtext, but the song was so quantifiably crap it killed the message. Please return to jumping around in brightly coloured leggings, ‘rapping’ inaudibly and getting high like planes. Thank you.

We use the ‘it’s not you’ line to appease our soon to be ex and act like we had a genuine moment of introspection before we decided to end the relationship. When the truth is we haven’t. Our decision to terminate the relationship isn’t based upon an examination of our flaws, really it’s based on the fact that (secretly) we’ve concluded the other party is more flawed than us. Ergo we need to find an upgraded version we can tolerate.

And they probably are more flawed than us. However what we often forget during our ‘I’m breaking up with you please don’t cry because that’ll make things more awkward’ speech is…

1) Even though their flaws may overshadow ours, we are also flawed and our flaws contributed to the failure of the relationship.

2) No matter how perfect our ‘next’ is in comparison to the ‘ex’ they cannot repair our flaws or make them less apparent.

And therein lies the problem.

Recently it emerged that the ridiculously beautiful Halle Berry had split up with her model baby daddy whose name I can’t be bothered to Google. I’m trying to stay off the gossip blogs but the pseudo analysis I’ve read thus far implies that Halle Berry is so beautiful and accomplished it’s ‘harder’ for her to keep a man. * blank face * I’m yet to read an article by a journalist honest enough to write that like the rest of us mere mortals there is probably something wrong with Halle, so we can’t apportion all the blame to her exes. Sadly we live in a society (and with a media) where blaming others and refusing to hold ourselves accountable for our actions seems to be modus operandi. Ergo many of us have become blinded to the fact that ‘it’s our fault too’.

If you met a person who had a car accident annually you wouldn’t think

‘Gosh what on earth is wrong with the type of cars he buys?’

You’d think

‘Why does this idiot drive so recklessly and how can we get him off the road?’

The same logic should apply to people who are experts at crashing relationships, sadly it doesn't.

When people relationship hop very rarely do they think ‘mmm it can’t just be the other person, perhaps I’m playing some part in my unhappiness’ and it’s unlikely any of their friends or family members will be frank enough to help them figure out the glaringly obvious. Many of us live in a state of delusion where we hold onto the fantasy that Mr/Mrs Right will stumble along and it'll magically 'work out', blissfully unaware (or in denial) that the problem lies with us.

There is statistical proof (for once these are real statistics not ones I made up) that with each marriage/long term relationship a person has there is a diminishing rate of success. First marriages have a 50% success rate; second marriages 25% and third marriages have a percentage that’s not even worth mentioning (to be honest I don’t remember I was watching Dr Phil/Trisha, whilst slightly hungover). I’m assuming that whatever research sample they used, the people weren’t marrying the same person over and over again. They were marrying different people and it still didn’t work out!

Sampling errors and my own bias aside, this Dr Phil/Trisha statistic lends credence to my theory that when we say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ but really mean ‘it’s not me, it’s soooo you’, we’re actually telling the truth when we think we’re lying.

The bottom line is we are the source of much of our relationship failures. It’s one of those uncomfortable truths that they don’t mention in relationship self-help books.

Sidebar: This is because self-help books want us to feel bad enough about ourselves that we purchase the sequel but not so bad that we resent the author. That would be bad for business.

In reality all of us are in possession of some flaw that could hamper the long-term success of any relationship we embark upon. Whether it’s romantic, professional or the relationship between you and your weavologist, your flaw could potentially ruin it.

I know it’s not a very hopeful message and a tad bit fatalistic but I can’t get my Obama on this afternoon. After all, even hope is rendered hopeless if a person has no grasp of their reality.

So!

The next time any of us utter the statement ‘its not you, it’s me’ as a cop out (and since I feel like using grand poetic prose in the style of Obama)

‘Let us remember, the outcome of our relationships and how fruitful they are will pivot on whether we deal with our flaws, before the deal with us’

Till next time,

Christiana

xxx


p.s I’m aware my blogging schedule is borderline erratic (well it is erratic). I am near 100% so will be blogging more frequently. Thrice a week I promise. I’ll be back tomorrow with my election thoughts…!