Female Friendship Failure

I think our lives are held up by four crucial pillars

1) Family
2) Friends
3) Occupation (which is intrinsically linked to our "life task")
4) Spiritual*

I wish I could think of a more romantic image than pillars but I've been accused of using far too many clothes analogies. As I've decided to actually tackle my compulsive shopping problem, I thought I'd (try to) speak less about clothes. Even though a pair of Louboutin's would quicken my recovery * inside hint *

Sidebar: I'm not above using my car accident to get shoes. #DontJudgeMe #YouWouldToo

I digress.

The maintenance of these pillars should be paramount because they uphold the structure of our lives. Without paying attention to each (or those we view as necessary to maintaining our personal happiness) we find ourselves in trouble. Furthermore, personal experience has taught me that it’s never good to constantly invest in one at the expense of others as they work interdependently.

Recently I ran into an old friend and I told her about my ‘pillar’ approach to viewing my life. As we began to speak about the "friendship pillar" she confessed that a few months ago, due to the ‘drama’ we bring, she had made a conscientious choice to delete most of her female friends from her life.

I'm always slightly suspicious of women that aren't friends with other women Perhaps it’s because at heart I am a girl’s girl. So naturally I argued that the real problem wasn’t with women in general but the problem was either

1) The women she had as friends
2) Her

However after hearing her retell numerous stories, I could (on many levels) connect with what she was saying. The dramatic change in my friendship circle over the past few years demonstrates that sadly even the closest friendships can be shattered by (what in hindsight are) the most stupid reasons.

Consequently this young lady had decided to ‘give up on women’ as it were, concluding that even though being friends with a man isn’t hitch free (we all know they may have a disruptive (evil) girlfriend) they offer peace of mind.

But why do friendships between women seem to be subject to so many convulsions especially when juxtapositioned with those between men?

The most common (lazy) answer would be that we’re bitchy, emotional creatures prone to outbursts of craziness. Which is nonsense, not the fact that we’re (sometimes) bitchy, emotional and crazy, but that these traits hamper us from staying friends. Men posses these traits as well (Exhibit A: Kanye, Exhibit B: Kanye’s Ego) yet still manage to keep their friends on average 7 years longer.

Sidebar: The choice of 7 was completely arbitrary and rooted in no fact whatsoever. Please Don’t quote me : )

An answer that I rarely hear is the fact that women call each other friends too quickly. So you run into a woman a few times, she lets you use her hairbrush (or lends you a tampon), you add each other on Facebook and then you start to go out together regularly, does that make you two friends? Of course it doesn't!

Yet despite many of us having bad experiences with women, it doesn’t stop us approaching the next friendship with just as much enthusiasm. Ergo we’re too quick to bestow on others the honour of being called a friend and allow women into our fold that haven’t been properly vetted. And since (most) humans are creatures of habit, history dictates that the new friend will have the same personality disorder that the last f(r)iend had. And the vicious cycle continues.

Now it is unfortunate that my friend’s experiences have eroded her confidence in her own gender so much that her dislike of women is bordering on self-hate. However, if we all closed ourselves off from exploring new friendships and discriminated on people purely on the basis of their genders, we’d be closing ourselves to possibility rather than ‘drama’.

Sadly despite trying to convince her of otherwise, my friend remained insistent that she would maintain her ‘no more female friends’ stance.

Call me naïve but I don’t think the problem lies with women in general, but the problem lies in our selection. If we chose better, surely we'd end up with better! Moreover the benefits of having the right female friends will always outweigh the drama the not so good ones bring.

Heck where else can you find the same level of love, empathy, support, someone to shop with and tell you when (normally overpriced) weave is being sold for a humongous discount?! Learning how to cope with and understand other women is a crucial component in learning how to be a woman yourself and avoiding it only hinders our personal development.

Or am I (for once) being utopian?

Is my friend right in her anti-women stance? Do women really make bad (long term) friends? Or is gender irrelevant and character the only thing that really matters ?

What say you?

Christiana

xxx

p.s I miss Heidi and Lauren. More importantly I miss Heidi's old face.... : (

*I use the word spiritual instead of God/religion because I'm aware that some people don't believe in God or man made religious institutions used to comprehend a being that by very definition can never be fully comprehended. I use the umbrella term "spiritual" because even if a person rejects the idea there is a spiritual component to human existence, it still informs how they live their life.

I Don't

It seems that I’ve crossed that invisible line. You know the line where people think it’s perfectly legitimate to ask you intrusive questions like…

‘So when do you want to get married?’

And expect a legitimate answer (that chimes with how they envision I should live your life).

Depending on whom I’m speaking to my answer varies from

‘I dunno, I’m in no rush. Preferably somewhere between here and 30’

‘When the Lord says yes’

‘After Paris Jackson’

‘When my uterus cries out that she wants to be used’

Since none of the above answers are ‘as soon as possible, I’m one of those neurotic women whose planned her wedding down to minute detail even though there’s no man on the horizon ’, invariably the enquirer is disappointed by my response. This is because the kind of person that asks a 23 year old when she wants to get married has an obvious young bride bias.

Aghast that I’m one of ‘those women’ who’d like to spend the next few years pouring her energy into a career (yes I’m aware a career can never love me back) , inevitably I’ll be lectured on getting my ‘priorities straight’. Or as my aunty likes to put it…

‘Continue with this career stuff and see if you don’t enter injury time like (inserts name of relative who ‘should be’ married)

Sidebar: ‘Injury Time’ is a phrase coined by my aunt referring to women who are unmarried at an age she deems inappropriate and/or desperate to get married. Women in injury time are more prone to making mistakes and end up marrying ‘shorter, uglier, poorer and more useless men’. I would just like to emphasise that these views aren’t a reflection of my opinion and my aunt is a good person (really).

At around age 15 I realised that no matter what Feminism had achieved (or ruined) the misogynistic concept that (single) women reach a peak and after that time become a depreciating asset , was going nowhere. Does it bother me deeply? Not really. I haven’t allowed the myth of a woman’s sexual/physical devaluation to taint my mind (completely). Furthermore as a black lady growing up in a space where being blond and (super) thin is pushed as the epitome of beauty, I’ve learnt that if the Feminism super hero has a list of battles to fight in light of other problems, this one won’t even register.

What is worrying however is the effect the pressure to get married before your market worth depletes has on women. I know (too many) women who have succumbed to pressure from friends, family and ‘society’ and have married men who are a wasteofskin.org. And for those women who choose not to conform, the emotional turmoil they go through for sticking to their instinct (and the constant justification of their lifestyle choices) is exhausting to the point of depression. #NoHyperbole

Why should a woman be made to feel guilty for her decision to sacrifice her ovaries/‘marital bliss’ for a career? Personally I’m no proponent of any particular path. If a woman wants to get married at 20 and spew out babies for as long as her womb can cope (as long as she has no intention of living off the state) more power to her. If she decides to blend a family and a career, that is her prerogative. If a woman worships at the same temple as Samantha from SATC and chooses to remain forever single, let her.

Like the way you wear your hair or where you choose to buy your clothes, it all comes down to individual preference and what works for you in relation to what you want from your life. To impose any particular model on women is wrong! Wasn’t the whole point of the feminist movement to grant women the autonomy to define who they are as individuals? Not for some outside force to determine and dictate what path a woman should take!

Sadly imposing a ‘particular model’ of what a woman should be whilst simultaneously (and ironically) promoting liberal values seems to be the trend. Whether it’s the pressure to be rake thin, married at the ‘perfect time’ or to be a hyper-sexualised ‘sexually empowered’ object, women are being pulled in a thousand (contradictory) directions.

So....

To any woman reading this, who is constantly being asked ‘when are you getting married?’ or reminded that their ‘time is running out’. Remember! It’s your life and it’s not a dress rehearsal. It’s you (not your friends or family members) who will have to live with your decisions. Everyone else may want you to quicken destiny and say ‘I do’ but until you’re ready you retain the right to say ‘I don’t’.

Until then feel free to (politely) remind everyone that has made your business their priority that you know how to make your own decisions. If they don’t listen… your middle finger is there for a reason : )

Christiana


xxx

The Clouds Always Clear

I wasn’t quite sure what to write in my first blog entry back. It wasn’t that I lacked ideas, I’ve had hundreds of topics swirling around my head for the past fortnight or so. It was the fact I wasn’t quite sure whether or not I should (re)address my car accident.Initially I began to write a rather formal (yet heartfelt) thank you to everyone who offered their support during this experience and then dived into a completely unrelated blog topic.

But it felt contrived and disingenuous.

For most people, near death experiences instantly (and permanently) impact their character in a way few events can.Like earthquakes, they shake your landscape to its core and when the rest of the world moves on you still experience aftershocks, those random convulsions that remind you that your life is yet to settle.

Yet amidst all the madness and uncertainty of the past few weeks I’ve learnt many priceless lessons. To say I’m glad I went through the car accident in order to learn those lessons would be a lie. I wish it never happened. However it did and I have a rather sexy Harry potter-esque forehead scar to prove it.

Sidebar: My friend told me that scars are cool/sexy because men use them as a way to chat you up. Recent studies claim that ‘how did you get your scar’ is the chat up line most likely to lead to marriage (There is a chance that this study is a fabrication of my imagination)

In the past few weeks my values have been challenged, cemented and changed. In light of that, here are some of the lessons the accident taught me.

My Accident Taught me

1)Nothing in this world will ever mean as much to me as my family.

2)It’s in times of crisis your true friends and family emerge. The fakes and flakes are absent.

3)I have an incredible support unit that really I don’t deserve. I’d like to name people but there would be too many to name.

3)I have a lot of loved ones who clearly have a secret agenda to fatten me up. Never have I been sent/baked so many (cup)cakes. My heart loves you all, but my hips/midriff detest you.

4)It’s impossible to wrap your hair with one hand and on those days it's always great to have good friends and sisters who are willing to do the chore for you.

Sidebar: For those that don’t know, ‘wrapping’ your hair at night is an assimilated black woman’s hair ritual. ‘Wrapping’ is the fine art of combing hair in a circular motion until it lays flat on ones head.


5)The NHS is a lifesaver. Literally. Anyone who condemns it and complains about it has probably never been a situation when they’ve needed it desperately. Ergo they don’t realise what an invaluable resource it is.

6)Universal healthcare should be a right not a privilege.

7)I’ve stumbled upon a pill combination that could potentially make breast implants redundant. My course of antibiotics makes your breasteses grow. So much so I’m still taking them (sshhhhhhhhhhh)

8)It’s not a good idea to have a BlackBerry message exchange with someone you (kinda/maybe/sometimes) fancy when you’re on painkillers that hamper your judgement.

9)My mum loves me but she wasn’t beyond using my vulnerability to get her way. Whilst taking the painkillers that hamper your judgement, I agreed that she could have full reign on my wedding guestlist. I am now being tormented by the vision of 1,000 people I don’t know turning up at the church. The vision of the reception is far too traumatic to share.

10)I think they need to put a little bit of whatever’s in my painkillers in everybody’s tea in the morning. Everyone on the tube would be much happier.

11)In order for people to send you flowers or admit they kinda/maybe/sometimes fancy you, you’ve got to be in a car crash. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

12)When your house bound (I call it house arrest) for three weeks with your only trips being to the hospital there isn’t much to do. Hence why I’ve lived vicariously through celebs on trashy gossip blogs. Nothing you learn on a gossip blog will help you in life. Ever.

13) Since my old car is a write off (rest in pieces Monique Van Hunt, you always were a cantankerous cow) next I would love to drive a massive 4x4 that’s environmentally unfriendly. Just to make a statement. My new number plate will be ‘5URV1V0R’

14)I have a Guardian Angel, who not only protects my sisters and I but also takes care of any electronic devices and shoes in my proximity. Two BlackBerry’s and a pair of ‘oozing more sex than a stripper’ stilettos made it out the car unscathed. I think that deserves at least a hallelujah.


15) Life is too short to argue with people you need in your life.

16) Although they are mutually beneficial I will always value my health above wealth.

17)We’re all on this earth for a purpose. I call it ‘the assignment’. I’m even more determined to fulfill mine and if anyone attempts to stop me I will throat punch them.

18)People are kinder to you when you’re strapped in bandages. I think I just may wear some I have left over to my next sample sale.

19) Most of the things we worry about aren’t worth worrying about.

20) In a world filled with nihilism, atheism, agnosticism and a bunch of isms that apparently serve as proof there is no creator, never have I been more convinced that there must be someone out there holding all this *points around head * together. I don’t understand his methods and I’m still grappling with why he lets certain things happen. But he’s definitely there.

21) There are a lot of good people in the world.

22) I don’t know what MJ was thinking (God bless his soul) but bandages and plasters never compliment an outfit.

23) We’re all stronger than we think.

24) After my experience I think I’m going to grow up into a statistic and (stereotypically) force one of my kids to become a doctor.

25) Perception is more powerful than reality. If the mind is determined to hold on to the dream and refuses to be defeated, eventually…. The clouds clear : )

Love and Light,

Christiana

xxx