When things don't go to plan

I had a blog entry for today. To say I put blood, sweat and tears into it would be hyperbole, but I put a fair amount of effort into it. Then I tried to be really clever and rename/resave it (basically do something that is clearly technically beyond me). Naturally, Murphy's Law kicked in. I lost it. 800 words. Vanished. Like Jah Rule’s career, never to be recovered

Sidebar: I love Macs, but like a bad (but good looking) boyfriend, they mistreat you, and then come through at random moments. And like the silly woman I can be, I judge my Mac by her random moments, rather than her general poor performance. So I keep hanging on. Steve Jobs, I'm not your friend.

First I thought

‘What am I going to do now…? I can’t rewrite all that’

And as I speculated about how I could recreate the blog entry, my mind wandered. And I began to think about when things don't go to plan.

I think we've all experienced it. No matter how flawlessly we strategise or how hard we work, sometimes things don't fall into place in the way we hoped.

It may be getting a degree classification lower than expected.

Being made redundant.

Being dropped from your record company.

A sudden sickness.

The death of a loved one.

A relation/friendship crumbling.

A deal falling through at the last minute.

When things we planned down to the millisecond, are suddenly thrown into disarray by some unforeseen event, it's difficult to recover. The natural human response is to ask the question ‘Why me? Especially when we juxtaposition our disappointment, with the seemingly perfect lives of ‘bad people’. However, I guess we have to invert the question and ask ‘Why not me?” Are any of us so righteous we deserve to be spared from the disappointments that come with living? The reality is no.

And that’s where it becomes really hard. The painful realisation that disappointment is inevitable and contrary to what our parents taught us, bad things happen to good people. It breeds cynics and is the reason why many dreams are deferred. When things don’t go to plan, we have the right to wallow in self-pity. But being in a permanent state of self-pity never gave anyone options. When things don’t go to plan, the outcome of the situation is not defined by the scale of the tragedy, but pivots on the response of the afflicted individual.

It sounds cliché but the choice is ours.

One day we have to decide to choose not to be defeated.

To get up and go.

To stare boldly in the face of our seemingly unconquerable problem and decide it will not determine the trajectory of our lives.

We have to dig deep and pull through.

I guess this blog entry will seem like big talk coming from a twenty-two year old "What problems have you had Christiana?" And I guess you would be valid in saying that in comparison to millions, starving and going through real problems, I have lived a life of bliss. However, please don't allow my youth to detract from the general lesson.

In order to win, one day we all have to decide ….

Today I will fight. And I will keep on fighting until I emerge from this abyss

My experiences in the last six months have taught me, uttering and living such a statement, is what defines those that are considered great. Greatness isn’t about money, accolades or fame. True greatness is displayed by people who demonstrate the ability to persist when things don’t go to plan.

And when we finally emerge from the tunnel and are enveloped by the light at the end of it, suddenly, things not going to plan, all seems part of the plan.

Christiana xxx

P.S The image for today's entry is of the surfer Bethany Hamilton who has a truly inspiring story. If you get a chance, I'd urge you all to read up on her!

The Second Chance

Yesterday Cheryl Cole announced to the world that she would be separating from her husband Ashley Cole. In a painful irony, Cheryl decided to 'fight for this love' no more.

I received multiple calls, texts and tweets asking my perspective on the debacle. Generally they were requests that I write a blog applauding Cheryl for finally gaining the courage to leave. Perhaps it’s because of my penchant for contrariness and dislike of hyperbole. I just cannot bring myself to describe Cheryl’s decision as courageous. What people perceive as courage is relative, but I do think like the words ‘hero’ and ‘genius’, we bandy it about far too much. Courage is what a terminally ill cancer patient displays everyday they live to fight on. Courage is displayed by those young soldiers risking losing their lives fighting an illegal war. What Cheryl did was an act of common sense. Let’s leave the word courage on the shelf this time.

What has really bothered me about Ashley Cole's sextextgate is a trend I picked up during the Tiger woods and John Terry scandals. These men (who are not the first or last to cheat on their wives) have undergone a public crucifixion by the press. And I find it confusing and rather disturbing.

Are these men wrong? Of course they are. Should they should be called out for their behaviour? Definitely. Affairs are cowardly, a violation of sacred vows and in a society full of STI’s (and seemingly contagious bad breath), plain nasty.

But we live in a society that has rebelled against traditional values and allowed moral relativism to reign supreme. So why on earth do the press/public insist on playing the (deeply hypocritical) moral outrage game when it comes to adultery? It’s like they forget we don’t live in the ideal world. In the ideal world, there never would have been a Cheryl Cole solo album (lovely girl, heartbreakingly awful voice) and Craig David would have won a Brit that night. Except this is not the ideal world. We live in dystopia. Where men (and women) cheat, Katie Price is famous and Lauryn Hill isn’t making music.

The same press who glamorise cocaine addict models/singers and were Polanski sympathisers, believe they have the right to play moral custodians. Unfortunately they have a ready made accomplice. The public. Men and women, sit on their armchairs criticising the likes of John Terry and Ashley Cole like they’re any better. Let’s be real. We have all committed a trifling act we’re ashamed of, it’s just most of us didn’t get caught!

I can’t blame the public for their judgmental attitude. Most ‘celebrities’ nowadays are such publicity whores they're willing to open their homes (and legs) for a small fee. They sell us pictures of their tacky weddings and have the audacity to demand privacy during their divorces. The average celeb's decision to expose every single aspect of their private lives for tabloid fodder, has given the public a sense of ownership. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship. They indulge our voyeurism and we keep them relevant. That relationship only turns sour if a celebrity breaches the public’s artificial (and forever moving) morality boundary.

Personally, I believe in the distinction between the public and private sphere. What a man chooses to do in his private life is his business. Sadly the lines have been forever blurred. There is no longer a division between public and private spheres. The private is now public.

Last week we witnessed Tiger woods make an apology speech. The apology speech was his corporate sponsors attempt to appease a public wrapped up in its own moral indignation. It was excruciating to watch. He’s always been an awkward fellow but his awkwardness was magnified by his discomfort. Some argue the public apology was an appropriate punishment for all his affairs. I think the fact his children will grow up and one day discover that daddy has/had a thing for women with tacky hair extensions is punishment enough.

I’ve never been a Tiger Woods fan but watching that speech I felt sorry for Tiger. Just like a feel (a bit) sorry for John Terry and Ashley Cole.

Sidebar: My sympathy levels are capped by the fact they earn a ridiculous sum of money each week.

I feel sorry for these men because like all of us they’ve made mistakes. It’s just that their mistakes have been exposed. As a result they’re being vilified by a media/public that persist in holding people (well men) up to standards they probably don’t live by.

These men deserve a second chance. A second chance does not necessitate their wives taking them back. In my eyes a second chance means their careers/legacies should not be judged by their worst moments. They deserve the opportunity to rebuild their reputations and prove they’re capable (or incapable) of more.

Hopefully Ashley, John and Tiger are given the second chance the public gave a singer called Cheryl Tweedy when she physically assaulted a toilet attendant…. After all, we all deserve a shot at redemption.

Christiana

xxx

25 Ways to feel instantly happier!

1) Smile.

2)If you work in an office take (I prefer the term borrow for an extended period) some stationery home with you. I have a thing for staples and red biros.

3) Tip generously.

4) Get in a black cab and go the whole journey without looking at the meter. I did it once (just once) and it gave me such a sense of accomplishment.

5) Eat cake.

6) Do the migraine skank/stanky leg/macarena/(insert random dance here) whilst trying to balance a plate on your head. You will fail. However the hilarity that will ensue from trying such a task will surely brighten up your day.

7) Tell someone their baby is beautiful. Even if the baby is clearly not.

8) I think we all like to feel like we’re doing our bit, even if in the broad scheme of things we’re merely absolving ourselves of the responsibility that comes with doing something concrete. So…Donate to a worthy cause.

9)The antithesis of 5. Say No to the cake. Sometimes it’s not what you do, it’s what you don’t do.

10) Call a loved one, just to tell them.... 'I love you'. Three words we don't say enough.

11) Listen to MJ’s ‘Off the Wall’ (the single, not the album!)

12) Delete someone uber annoying from Farcebook.

13) Watch the new HeidiJadeAmelle (aka Sugababes 4.0) video. It’s so painfully awkward and utterly woeful, it will eventually make you laugh. Please don’t feel ashamed for gaining pleasure from their pain. It’s Schadenfreude. We all do it. On the other hand it could make your eyes/heart bleed for the state of music.

14) Call a friend claiming you have a deep secret to confess. Make them vow they won’t tell anyone at least 10 times. Then with all the drama you can muster, say the following words....

‘I dropped the screw in the tuna’

15) Write yourself your imaginary ‘dream cheque’, then stick it on your wall. Strangely inspiring.

16) Do something you’ve been avoiding.

17) Use a Starbuck’s toilet but don’t buy anything from Starbuck’s.

18) Google ‘Celebrities without make-up’.

19) Recollect Kanye’s shrug after he rained on Taylor Swifts parade.

20) Imagine living in a world where you owned Bernard’s watch.

21) Remember, things could be much worse. Imagine being a lace front.

22) Confess to your parents you used to steal money from them. I am presuming that you all had my childhood. Saintly children please skip to 23.

23) Tell someone ‘I believe in you’. It's a phrase we all need to hear at some point in our lives.

24) Imagine doodling on the face of whoever stepped on your foot last.

25) Remember that you're alive. That in itself is a blessing : )

Happy Monday to you all,

Christiana xxx

The Bag Lady Cure

I’ve never feared growing old and becoming a cat lady. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a fan of cats

Sidebar: The only cat I like is my imaginary white cat that doesn’t malt or meow and can use/flush the toilet itself.

What I do fear is becoming so jaded with the male gender, I morph into a Bag Lady.

Bag Lady: A concept created by Erykah Badu in a song of the same title. Using the metaphor of bags, she vividly depicts a woman destroying any hope of love in the future by her choice to hold onto baggage and inability to let go of her past.

Whilst discussing my fear of being a ‘Bag Lady’ with a friend she argued that I have nothing to worry about. Apparently the older a single woman is, the more likely she is to become bitter. As we’re relatively young, we’re immune to Bag Lady tendencies for at least 5 years.

If I’m going to be frank, I think my friend’s stance is nonsensical. The idea that being older (or perpetually single) creates Bag Lady’s is built on the faulty premise that companionship diminishes/eradicates bitterness. Furthermore there is little or no correlation between a woman’s age and bitterness. I can assure you, that right now somewhere in the world, there is a jaded 17-year-old girl listening to ‘I hate you so much right now’ whilst plotting how she will destroy her exes life!

Being a bag lady isn’t exclusive to women of a certain age, race or class. And what’s heartbreaking is the bitterness that comes with it is cancerous, contagious and insidious. I’ve witnessed women pass it onto to their daughters and spread it amongst their friends.

So in light of that…..

The Bag Lady Cure

1) Let Go

Some of us (I'm speaking to myself first!) are walking relationships historians. We’re able to recollect every single event in fine detail. Down to the time, date, location and the exact sequence of events that occurred.

Now I understand the concept of ‘forgiving and forgetting’ is a bit redundant because we cannot forget (in the cerebral sense).However! Though we can't "forget" we can choose to let go and stop talking about what ‘he did’. Choose to remember the lessons learnt rather than the pain/drama associated with the experience.


2) Keep in mind that all men are not the same.

My perspective towards men is the same I have on race. It's an accident of birth, that individuals had no hand in creating. Ergo I will not allow it to affect my treatment of a person.Unfortunately many women have decided to conclude, “all men are bastards” a stance that is clearly folly at is best.

Sidebar: In truth the statement shouldn’t be ‘all men are bastards’, what the woman are actually saying is ‘All the men I pick are bastards”. Just Saying.

We can't base all our feeling towards the male gender based on our worst (or even best) experience. Judge a man according to his own merit, rather than punishing for him for the crimes of someone else.

3) Look internally

It’s much easier to decide that the source of our problems is external, rather than dealing with the fact that many of our problems are self-inflicted. To have a succession of failed relationships yet persisting in the belief that men are the problem, makes no sense. A bit of self-evaluation can go a long way.

4) Keep away from angry songs.

Stop listening to angry ‘I hate men’ music. Believe me, it helps.

Sidebar: I’m aware that 5 is a bit much to ask. So….my recommended songs are Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know” and Destiny’s Child ‘Through With Love’ : )

5) Remember they're probably not thinking about you. So keep it moving.

My friend said to me the other day

"Christiana you realise that the amount of time women talk and obsess about their exes, I can almost guarantee the men aren’t doing the same with their boys"

* lets that statement marinate for a minute *

Contrarily, even if there are a chunk of (bitch) men who sit around obsessing about the past.…who cares? It’s not going to change what happened!


6) Keep yourself occupied

The devil (which is now interchangeable with Facebook) makes work for idle hands. Keep yourself occupied by doing something of substance (see 7) and if you can’t do that at least think happy thoughts.

Sidebar: Just please don’t create the conditions for depression.

Dark room + depressing film/music + ice cream = Bad Idea

If going through depression inducing ceremonies empowered women, I’d campaign for them to be made part of a woman’s employment package. They’d be called ‘heartbreak days’ and we’d be entitled to them and ‘period pain leave’. But they don’t, so avoid them.

7) Go and buy a Freakum Dress © Beyonce

Warning! If you're so deep retail therapy doesn't alleviate your pain skip to 8.

Buy a Freakum dress that flatters you in all the right places. Then go out (wearing the dress of course) and strut around like you’re the Queen of Sheba. It helps. After all, in the words of my uncle 'You must never allow life to cause you to forget that You are a Queen' .


8) Manage your expectations

No man is perfect. Therefore holding a man to ridiculously high standards is the surest way to ensure heartbreak. I’m not advocating that anyone necessarily reduces their expectations, I’m just saying our expectations must be tempered by the awareness that (like women) men are fallible.


9) Don’t forget: The bitterer you are, the more unattractive you become.

It doesn't matter how smart, beautiful or rich you are.

A bitter woman = Man Repellent

.

That’s all I have to say on the matter. I think Erykah Badu summed it up best when she instructed women to

‘Pack Light’

Have a great weekend,

Christiana xxx

Dodging the Friend Zone

Happy Monday!

I hope those of you in functioning healthy relationships had a great Valentine’s weekend and the single folk didn’t get too depressed. I spent part of my Valentine’s weekend with one of my besties @TobzS (twitter people dem follow her) literally fighting off shoppers at the Brick Lane thrift sale. It was manic. I managed to leave the sale with a few vintage pieces that left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. However considering I woke up at 6 am to get there, queued in the cold for an hour plus, only to enter the retail equivalent of a bomb shelter, surrounded by demented shoppers ….I’m not sure if it was worth the trip.

After retelling my traumatic experience to my nearest and dearest, the Duchess (my mum) asked ‘so what lesson have you learnt?’

I said…

‘Oestrogen + fashion diehards + cheap Vintage clothes = Hell on Earth’

Her response? ‘Hurry up and find a husband so this foolishness can stop’.

I am becoming increasingly annoyed by the fact that suddenly me + marriage has become a conversation topic. Marriage is the last thing on my agenda. The idea of being (prematurely) contractually bound to love one person forever is one that makes me shudder. Much to chagrin to my grandmother (who apparently has already decided what she will receive from the dowry), I dream of buying my own house, not wearing a white dress that costs an exorbitant sum. This stance grieves one of my aunt’s so deeply she has made it a prayer topic. * Rolls eyes *

Sidebar: Members of my family have threatened to use my Facebook pictures to send to prospective suitors (even though I’m only just 22). A few days ago my aunt said
‘Look love it won’t be hard…you were born in London so you have a British passport, many men will marry you just for that’ * clutches heart from stress *

Whilst moaning to my friend about the marriage conversations, he surprised me by his response. He wants to get married. Soon. However his ‘get married before I’m 30 and super rich’ plan has run into a few problems…

a) He hasn’t got a girlfriend
b) He refuses to let me help him pick a mail order bride
c) He always gets ‘friend zoned’

C is the root of all his problems. If every woman in your milieu sees you as ‘just a friend’, how on earth will you ever get married? My friend is a really nice guy (maybe that’s the problem??) so I took the time to give him a few pieces of advice.

Dodging the Friend Zone

1) Make it quite clear you do not want any more friends

Do you know how many problems could be circumvented by clearer communication? I think dating life would be much easier if on the first encounter the (more) interested party stated the following.

‘ I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE FRIENDS I HAVE ENOUGH’

Put the writing on the wall in glow in the dark paint (just in case they’re visually impaired). I know this means men who emotionally blackmail women into giving their number with the line….

‘I just want to be friends’

Have lost a weapon in their shoddy arsenal. But fret not. You can always tell her you’re an agent, (too many) women love men who could make them famous.


2) Now and again act like you're not (that) interested

3) Yet make it quite clear you're interested in her

2 + 3 = Mixed Signals

Mixed signals make relationships interesting. I don’t care how many women disagree with what I’m about to write, women hate relationships that are too simple. Simplicity equates a lack of excitement. Don’t believe me ? Look at what happened to Aidan.

Sidebar: Although he’s a fictional character, Aidan from Sex and the City is a lesson to us all. Being ‘too into’ a person can backfire. A bit of ambivalence can go a long way.


4) Be chivalrous, but don’t worship her.

Chivalry is a must. However do not behave like she is Helen of Troy reincarnated. You’ll immediately fall under the ‘ I like him but he’s just too nice’ category….not good.


6) Do not become her new best friend

I can't think of anything more devastating than spending a ridiculous amount of time (and money) getting to know a woman only to be told ‘you’re such a great friend’.

If you allow yourself to become a sounding board for all dilemmas, she’s not telling you because she trusts you, you've merely fallen into “straight but like a gay best friend” category.

You will soon hear the line...

“ Tim…there’s this guy I like …but I’m not sure he likes me...how do I tell him?”

Rest assured she will not be talking about you.


7) Commit to your flaw

Women often friend zone men who can’t seem to get over their ‘flaw’. We all have a flaw. However being ashamed of your flaw and unnecessarily self-depreciating is unattractive. If you’re 5”0 own it. Don’t be ashamed of the fact you’re vertically challenged. Commit to your flaw and it (almost) *becomes invisible.

*I use the word almost because she’ll eventually forget but her friend’s will notice and remind her.

8) If she alludes to seeing you as just a friend, terminate the conversation.

Women often tell the truth in hints. It's our way of saying how we really feel about a situation in order to alleviate the guilt we feel because we’ve friend zoned someone who is near perfect.

If she starts to suggest she sees you as a brother, kill that idea like it’s a tumour. Speak up for yourself and say

‘ NO. I don't see you as sister’

Then act real standoffish.

(some/most/if not all) Women find the odd random act of belligerence (very) attractive : )

9) If 8 recurs, find someone else.

Men who are attached/almost attached have an allure that single men don’t. This is simply because they are unattainable and humans love things that are difficult to attain.

If 8 keeps happening, make it clear that although she is very special, you are special too. Ergo you intend to find someone to appreciate you for the man you are.

Sidebar: Don’t lie and tell her that there’s someone else. We can always tell when you’ve made up a woman in your head.

10) Keep any friends that are potential competition at bay for the first 8 weeks

No need to extrapolate.

Christiana

xxx

Reactions to Change

Happy Friday!!!

Ok! So I'm back video blogging.... : ) I took a 'youtube sabbatical'! I know I'm giving my disappearance an unnecessarily grand term. The truth is ....well 'it's complicated'

Sidebar: Why has Facebook made the term 'it's complicated' so cliched?

The fact that I felt I had nothing substantive to say combined with a plethora of other factors, underpins my period of silence. But I'm back. Video blogging . In my room, where there are clothes strewn on the floor whilst I try and sort them out for my online sale. As always your comments, feedback and support will be appreciated. These vlogs are the results of personal thought experiments. I rarely 'share' what I'm about to vlog with anyone, as they're impulsive.

Sidebar: I get comments on why I'm so 'dressed up' in my videos. Truth is I 'dress up' even when I go to bed. More importantly I'm yet to 'dress up' (to my standards of dressing up) in any of my vlogs. Pah! Life is too short to live it wearing raggedy clothes. Keep your character pure & your clothes fly! My motto

Anyway! As I tend not to ask others opinions on my vlogs before I post them, invariably I miss something really substantial or fail to mention a valid counter-argument. Time constraints (I think long vlogs become more ineffective with each extra minute) and the fact I (still) find it a bit weird to conduct a conversation with my laptop, means the vlogs are subject to error. But from those errors and your input...I'll learn : )

Oh my gosh.

Before I forget....With a heavy heart...

I am selling these






They are a (small) Size 39, Christian Louboutin's, Leopard print, 3.5 inch heel, £200. They haven't been worn. You wouldn't believe the story behind these shoes. To cut a long story short, I cannot defy science. My feet refuse to shrink/they refuse to be expanded and they need a good home. They are currently languishing on a window pane. Desperate for a loving mother. Email me if you're interested!

On that note....I must be off. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you Monday!

Christiana

xxx

Gift Aid

I’ve moved house… My new address is….

www.christianarants.com

* does a dance to celebrate *

I am officially a member of the .com club. It’s a bit of anti-climax. Bar differing domain names, there’s no actual difference between the .com and the .blogspot sites. It’s the same content, but now you can access it from two different sources. A bit like the any two Jay Z albums. Oops did I type that aloud?

Sidebar: To Jay Z super fans that will grab that comment and run with it. That statement does not negate his genius credentials. I just find his recent work a bit one-dimensional.

I gathered telling your friends ‘the web address is Christiana with two a’s then blogspot.com’ was quite a chore. The blogspot will continue to operate but it made sense to make the transition to christianarants.com. Over the next few months there will be other changes that I hope you will all appreciate. Or you could despise them. Either way… let me know : )


Right, back to blogging.

I’m not a fan of Valentine's Day.

See here for my list of reasons why it’s a bit pointless.

The idea that we reserve one day in the whole year to celebrate our lovers shows that we are ruled by Capitalism and not by our hearts. Despite my ideological conflict with the occasion I do not believe we should cease from celebrating it. That would be futile and counter my interests. I will always be a fan of receiving gifts.

N.B: For anyone that’s interested my Valentine’s gift list = A white cat, black roses, tan Birkin and a hook up to whoever does Kim Kardashian’s weave.


A friend of mine text me this morning. The text read as follows….

‘Christiana! Long time. How are you?! Reading your blog! When you going to do one telling men how to pick good Valentine’s gifts?”

Sidebar: I’m well aware you didn’t need the whole body of text. I just love the fact that when we text people to ask a self-interested request we always ask, “how are you?” in order to ‘mask’ our self-interest. Aren’t we all so clever? : )

I text her back

‘I do not care for Valentine’s Day. However gift giving matters. I will oblige your request, if you tell me where you buy your shoes’

After much haggling a deal was eventually brokered. I agreed to a post ‘teaching men how to buy gifts’ and she told me the secret warehouse (I kid you not!) where she purchases her ‘sexual stilettos’.

Many of you reading this post are probably thinking ‘reverse sexism! Why isn’t this a post instructing people how to buy each other gifts? Why are you singling out men?”

Well it’s really simple

1) It’s easy to buy gifts for men

2) I’ve never met a man who was emotionally wounded after receiving a bad gift

3) It makes sense for men to get good practice before they buy the ultimate gift: The engagement ring.

4) My mum raised me to believe women should not make a habit of buying men gifts. (Separate blog entry).

That’s my rationale and I’m sticking to it.

After deep thought…

(it wasn’t that deep, but “shallow thought” doesn’t have the same ring to it)

I realised this advice isn’t limited to Valentine’s Day. It’s relevant across the gift-giving spectrum.

Birthday’s, the ‘6 month Anniversary’, ‘Congratulations on your new job’ day, ‘I had a bad day today and need cheering up’ …..

Whatever inconsequential event that has been turned into a gift-giving occasion, this advice should suffice.

Gift Aid

1) If it isn’t expensive,ensure it appears expensive

I don’t care how rich or poor you are (we all work within a budget constraint), I don't believe expensive gifts are what they're hyped up to be. The trick is to buy something that looks much more expensive than it actually is and cannot be (easily) priced checked.

2) The thought doesn’t count (that much)

Justifying minimal effort with a banal cliché such as ‘it’s the thought that counts’ is a cop out.

Minimum effort = Minimal results. Maximum Effort = Score.

3) Consult her friends

Do a survey and consult her friends (the real ones of course). The fake ones will deliberately (or sub consciously) urge you to purchase something mediocre. She probably would have told her friends what she wants. Right down to its colour, code and availability. It makes your job easier.

4) Be creative

If 3 doesn’t work, be creative.

However!

As creative and romantic as it is to buy a star, galaxy or planet, in someone’s honour…There’s nothing she can do with it. Nada. All she will have is a piece of paper that shows she owns a star that she can’t even view by telescope.

Be creative…but not too creative.

Sidebar: RE creativity, charity donations in someone else’s name are a grey area. I think they're a wonderful idea. However my friend told me (in deep confidence), the most painful gift she ever received was a pamphlet that showed a hut had been built in her name, in some failed state she’d never heard of.

5) Avoid gifts that can potentially offend

For example: Gym membership, a dress that’s too big, mouthwash…You get my drift.

6) Don’t buy her something you bought for her ex

She will find out. And you will suffer for it.

7) Make sure it suits her personality.

The reason I haven’t suggested gifts is because every woman is different. My perfect gift is a fat wad of cash so I can go and buy my own gift. My best friend thinks cash as a gift is impersonal and uncouth.

Whatever you buy make sure it’s catered to her personality and taste. This advice is built on the assumption you know your girlfriend/wife/mistress/friend with benefits relatively well. If you don’t, skip to 8.


8) Give your gift with confidence

I’m no psychologist but when people give gifts and they’re giving off diffident energy, the recipients will often…

1) Feel pity for the gift giver so feign happiness when they’ve opened it
2) Feel disappointed before they’ve opened it

This is not good.

Even if you suddenly realise that your gift is quantifiably crap. Believe in it and give it to her with confidence. She’ll find it harder to berate you to your face.

9) Comical gifts are usually not that funny.

Avoid gifts that require her to see the ‘funny side’. I can assure you, she probably won’t get it.

10) Some balance

In light of the fact that this blog post was essentially all about how to sustain a materialistic society, I thought I’d end it on a substantive-ish note. Any woman that makes a huge deal out of what she interprets to be sub-standard gift, is probably not the kind of woman you want to endure.

Ergo…

If you have a half decent woman who loves you enough..

Remember…

Gifts don’t matter (that much) !!!

Christiana

xxx

Henpecked the “Seer”

'Never dress down to make others feel comfortable. If they can't cope with your fabulousness, eradicate them from your milieu'

The above has nothing to with today’s post. It's how I felt this morning, tweeted it and thought I’d share it on the blog. Also, I love Audrey Hepburn...hence the picture!

Anyway…

My darling friend Henpecked and I haven’t collaborated in while. Ergo over the past few months this blog has lacked (blunt, irreverent, politically incorrect and slightly misogynistic) male input. For the 2.5 of you who are Henpecked fans, fret not. He’s back.

Although it’s been a while, little has changed since our last collaboration. I still don’t ‘get’ men and he persists in (incorrectly) believing he understands women. Henpecked is one of those people who speaks a lot but manages to say very little. I used to think it was a reflection of his negative IQ, but recently I’ve concluded it’s a Machiavellian tool he employs to underplay his intelligence.

Yesterday was one of those rare occasions when he spoke (a lot) and at least 60% of his statements managed to be substantive. A miracle in itself and further evidence that Jesus shall return soon(ish).

Sidebar: Anyone exposed to hyper-religious evangelical Christian’s will be aware that Jesus has been coming back ‘soon’ for a while. Am I the only person who used to hope he’d come before an exam? I digress…

The first thing Henpecked asked was…

‘Crazy woman! Any mascara tears recently?’

Mascara tears = (Secret) Tears women shed over men, that they later realise were not worth the cumulative cost of wasted mascara or the extreme weight gain/loss.

I assured Henpecked that TwentyTen is my year of ‘No More (man) Drama’ and he (mockingly) congratulated me. He then decided to take the time to breakdown why my next relationship would be an #EpicFail unless I remembered the following.

Henpecked the “Seer”

1) There is power in indifference

Apparently too many women make the grave mistake of nagging their men about trivial things.Nagging is unproductive. Like worrying, it can’t change anything. It’s the equivalent of travelling without moving.

Mention it once (twice if you must). If a man chooses not to change (which is his right as a human being), then become completely indifferent. In his Henpecked’s words we must learn to….

‘Act like you’re not bothered’.

His reasoning? Anytime a woman acts like she’s not bothered by something he does, he naturally stops doing it. Finally, even if a man doesn't stop, if the woman finds the habit that intolerable, the solution is simple. Leave!

2) Never Settle

Henpecked's formula: Settling = Bad
Wise Compromises = Good. *

*Separate blog entry

If you’re compromising your worth by being with him you’ll never be happy. All that will eventually occur is you’ll either end up resenting him or resenting yourself.


3) ‘Love’ is just a word and in reality it binds us to little.

Sticking around because a man says he loves you is (Henpecked’s words) ‘Stupid’ (clean version).If your rebuttal to each attack your family/friends make on your boyfriend is ‘but he loves me’, it may be time to revaluate matters.

4) You can’t trust anyone. So do not give too much of your ‘heart’ away.

The only person you can vouch for at all times is yourself.

Sidebar: If you’re keen on illegal/legal substances that hamper your memory/ability to behave with decorum, that maxim doesn’t apply to you.

Investing all your trust, emotion and energy into another human being is not in your interest. There is enough empirical data (John Terry, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods), to suggest that keeping some of your cards close to your chest isn't a bad idea.

5) Pick your battles

Not everything/everyone is worth fighting for.

6) You must NEVER act like his wife, if you’re not his wife.

I contemplated typing up Henpecked’s rationale for this lesson, however it is a blog entry in its own right. I’ll do my best to write it up at some point next week!

7) If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. Then move on.

Henpecked and I argued about this rule for about 10 minutes. It’s not that I disagree with his analysis, it’s just we all know it is easier said than done.

8) Never let a man control you

His (pretty much) exact words:

‘Your autonomy should be your priority. As soon as a woman becomes totally dependent on a man, whether emotionally or financially she’s lost, because he controls her. I don’t care how much he says he ‘loves you’, it’s in your own interest to keep your own mind..and money’

Then he said…

‘I know you’ve got some crazy commentators who are going to claim that women need to learn how to be submissive. But call me new-fashioned but I think submission needs to be mutual. And who said submission meant dependence? The best-case scenario is interdependence. That being said…Always keep your own bank account and NEVER take out a loan in his name’.

* Opens can of super-worms *


He said other things, but I have to censor him because tact is absent from his vocabulary. However, I’d love you all to weigh in. At present Rule 8/Rule 6 are my personal favourites and Rule 1 is the one I’m going to struggle with implementing!

Christiana (and Henpecked)

xxx

P.S I’d like to say thank you for all your lovely comments regarding the new layout. Glad you like it! Stay with me, there will be a lot of surprises in the coming months : ) Also a massive thank you to the site designer Anthony @ neocreatives who managed to construct my random ideas into something coherent!

What are we fighting for?

I have a confession.

I’m drawn to ignorance.

I do my best not to participate in it (I value my time too much). Sadly I don’t value my time enough to desist from observing it.

Maury Pauvich, Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle, Bad Girls Club, Flavour of Love…

Name a tacky TV show that shamelessly degrades, exploits and displays the dysfunctionalism of the underclass and I am very interested. The intellectual (or human) in me isn’t powerful enough to cause me to turn my nose up at such. Discovering if ‘Ray Ray is the father’ of a questionable looking baby that’s struggling to keep her head up, has made me late for many many meetings.

Screw liberals who tell us we should ‘know better’, watching ignorance on TV is fun.

Watching ignorance unfold in real life on the other hand?

Traumatising.

The other night I witnessed a catfight that scared me.

Sidebar: It’s the law of attraction (I think). Write enough about dysfunction and it comes closer in proximity.

When the women were arguing (really loudly) it was interesting (fun). However when they started clawing at each other’s hair and their friends started jumping in, that’s when it was terrifying to behold.

I was scared because…

1) I have an irrational fear of being arrested for a crime I didn’t commit then being shipped to Guantanamo (by the way thanks for ‘closing’ it as promised Obama). Being at the scene of a crime and watching women voluntary extract each others weaves, doesn’t help my neurosis.

2) (Mad) People fighting often turn on (silly) people watching intently.

You can imagine my disgust when I discovered that the two women were fighting each other over a man.

Yes a man.

In TwentyTen.

When the population of the world has swelled so much, they’re probably going to have to figure out a way to kill a lot of us.

When men (of albeit varying quality) are in abundance.

When there are websites specifically catered to helping people find (rich) men

Two women channelled their inner Bruce Lee, not to fight gender inequality (oh no that would make sense). Instead they chose to fight each other. Over a man.

Now I thought what I’m about to type is perfectly obvious, but apparently not. I’ve discussed this matter with too many females who disagree with my (correct) stance.

So let me put it on the blogsphere

Reasons why it isn’t worth fighting another woman (and losing some of your scalp) over a man

1) You never ‘owned him’ for her to ‘steal him’

I don’t know that much about the law. In fact the phrase ‘I know my rights’ is something I say to make me seem more informed than I actually am.However last time I checked humans are not property. Even if you’re married to someone (who you kindly gave kidney to), that doesn’t mean they’re your possession.

It is impossible for someone to ‘steal’ what you never owned. I don’t care if the man is 4”9, weighs 75 pounds and the temptress is a 6”4 body builder. She did not ‘steal’ him. He was a willing participant. If you’re going to ‘fight’ anyone, fight him.

Sidebar: I get why a severely hurt woman would bust the windows out of a man’s car. But! If we must descend into petty violence, let’s keep the punishment proportionate to the crime. You can’t smash his car and persist in verbally assassinating him for the next 5 years.

2) ‘She’ doesn’t owe you anything. (Even if she claimed to be a friend)

The days of ‘female solidarity’ are long gone (and that’s based on the faulty premise that the force of feminism was ever that powerful). Even if she called herself a friend, so what? In the age of Facebook and flakiness, the concept of friendship is loose and binds people to very little. The obligation to observe basic virtues such as fidelity and respect, ultimately rest on the shoulders of your partner, not her.


3) There are other millions of (good) men out there

No but really there are. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve even contemplated writing a blog post entitled ‘where do all the good men hang out??!’ However they are out there. Ergo preserve your decorum, reserve your anger for a kick boxing class and let love find you.

Or try.

Match.com

4) Lying Cheating Man = Not worth fighting for.

Basic relationship numeracy. No need for expansion.

5) Men don’t fight men over women

Apart from in films inaccurately portraying the ‘black urban experience’ to feed the desires of an audience enamoured with giving themselves ‘perspective’ into how black people live, men generally don’t fight(kill) each other over women. Women shouldn’t either.

6) It’s unladylike!

7) You’re probably going to go back

There have been countless independent studies that indicate, (when it comes to infidelity and trifling behaviour), women are more forgiving than men. So the probability is, you will believe him when he says ‘nothing really happened’ or ‘it happened just once’. It doesn’t make you stupid; it just makes you optimistic. However you will appear stupid if you argue with a woman but remain in a relationship with her accomplice.

8) You will gain nothing by fighting/arguing excessively with the other woman

If you engaged in civil conversation with the other woman, you could potentially gain a bit of perspective, information or ‘closure’. However screaming at each other down the phone or in public? All you’ll get is a hoarse throat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Obviously there are way more than 8 reasons as to why women need to stop fighting over men, but those were the ones that immediately sprung to mind. Please do add any (compelling) reasons I may have missed, to the comments section.

Ladies, just don’t go around fighting or arguing in public. Life’s too short for that (especially if prior to the violence, no one knew it was weave).

Let’s stop the violence : )

xxx