What You Said vs What She Heard

My (male) friend’s and I are finally in concert. We have mutually beneficial platonic relationships that should work as long as us none of us violate the unspoken rules of our arrangement.

Sidebar: The unspoken rules of inter-sex friendships is a blog post in its own right.

After years of listening (and implementing) poor advice with good intentions, from friends that shared our gender, we decided enough was enough. Want to understand a man? Consult a man. Need to decipher what the heck a woman means? Consult a woman.

Sadly, most of the men I know would rather stab themselves with a fork than told a daily update of my love life. In fact, if I could email them a (brief) quarterly summary of my relationship status, I’m sure they’d be happier.


Sidebar: This is why I don’t get why (jaded) women completely give up on having female friends. As flawed as us women are, we have our uses. Such as always being willing to listen to relationship drama, no matter how trivial. The fact that this willingness is a reflection of our love for gossip doesn’t negate this womanly virtue.

Ergo we only call/text each other when we are in a deep crises that requires a sane(ish) member of the opposite sex to shed some light. We are not naïve when we seek advice. The advisors role is to manage the conflict, rather than solve it.

Let me give you an example….

‘So what happened Christiana?’

‘Well I was like, why didn’t you call me back? And he said, I was busy. And I thought, what do you MEAN you’re busy, you couldn’t take two minutes to call or text back like you promised. Does it take THAT much effort? And you know when he says I’m busy it really means he can’t be bothered’.

I would then proceed to describe (in painful detail) how the argument moved from being a debate over ‘call me back etiquette’ to a situation that required highly trained relationship envoys.

At some point (usually whilst I’m spewing out a litany of pseudo threats*)....

* Pseudo threats = Things women say they’re going to do (to their men) that will (probably) never happen

He would say.....

‘All this over him not calling you back?’

‘Yes! He didn’t give me a reason’

‘I thought he told you he was busy’

‘SO? We both know that really means that he couldn’t be bothered’

‘Why are you so crazy? Did it cross your mind he could just be busy and perhaps forgot?’


After variations of this scenario reoccurred countless times, it finally dawned on me. The problem wasn’t what ‘he said’, the problem was what ‘I heard’. Adding my own loaded interpretations to factual statements was the surest way to cause drama. Or in the words of my friend....

‘You must adopt 'he meant what he actually said and so what' attitude, or soon he’ll leave cos your crazy’.

In response to my friend’s (powerful) advice I explained that women (like myself) often make seemingly simple statements, which (paraphrasing Churchill) are really riddles, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

For example....

‘A bit later on, we need to talk. Don’t worry it’s not a big deal’.

=

‘You upset me a week ago and for the past few days I’ve been taking longer to respond to your calls, texts and emails. I’ve been forcing myself to act nonchalant hoping for a reaction. You haven’t noticed/ignored my cry for help. So now I am going to make a very big deal’

Unfortunately we forget that men don’t do the same thing, as the outcome would be talking (arguing) on the phone for long periods of time. I have never met a man who would willingly create the conditions for an emotional draining phone conversation.

Sidebar: Beta male’s do and the Kanye West influenced breed do. But for the sake of my analysis, they don’t count.

So since I’m trying to spread more love and understanding in 2010 here is list that my friend and I put together over lunch…..

What you said vs. What she heard

Disclaimer: Many among you are hyper sensitive and highly strung. Before I proceed I would like to state this doesn’t apply to all women. However it probably does apply to your girlfriend. I’ll leave it as that. Life’s too short for disclaimers.


Why do you always ask me about her? I told you we’re just friends
=
We used to fancy each other, but it’s a secret I’m keeping.


You’ve gained weight? Really? Didn’t notice.
=
I’m avoiding answering your question.


My mum just thought it would be better if just the immediate family went to my brother’s wedding
=
My mum hates you but has instructed me not to tell you, because after I get rid of you, she’d like the pleasure of telling you herself

She’s just alright. Not my type really.
=
I so would.

Why don’t you two just make up? You’ve been friends for so long
=
I haven't really been listening ,so I don't know enough facts to affirm your belief that you're in the right.

Let me call you back
=
Not now please.

You’re not my profile picture because I don’t want everyone knowing our business
=
I haven’t told all my friends about you.


Of course I knew it was your birthday coming up
=
Thank God for Facebook


I want to get married and have kids some day
=
I want to marry someone like you.

I love you
=
I love you


Christiana xxx

I ain't saying she a Gold Digger.....

Happy Tuesday!

Firstly, sincere apologies for my (random) hiatus. The past fortnight has been rather hectic, consequently I’ve been very time poor. In a few months you’ll be able to see the evidence of the various things I’ve been working on….but until then….. : )

Over the past year or so the people within my inner (and outer) social circle has radically changed. People that used to associate/hang with me would probably claim that since the inception of this blog I’ve ‘changed’.

Sidebar: Don’t you hate it when people use stupid and simplistic analysis?

In my ‘defence’ I think my experiences over the past 18 months have cemented my belief in the ephemeral nature of friendship. The people we call friends will constantly change, because most relationships are seasonal and only a handful are eternal. As a corollary of this belief I don’t bother trying to salvage shipwrecked friendships. I just let them sink. * shrugs *

As my circle has changed, the type of people I come across has changed. The other night my friend and I were out and ran into an interesting group of women. We quickly bonded over our mutual appreciation of each other’s clothing. We live in sick sad times where it’s rare to meet (sane) women confident enough to express their appreciation via compliments. Too many women view those they should congratulate as competition and choose to give a dirty look instead. So we figured that we’d stick with our newfound ‘friends’ as it was unlikely we’d find anyone else in the room that we liked.

Mid-way though our bonding session, one of our new ‘friends’ (wearing the type of coat that makes you a PETA magnet) asked my friend…

‘So what your type?’

She (naively) responded…

‘A man with a good heart’

‘A good heart? That’s your main criteria?!’

‘Pretty much. I’m not really fussed…’

* My friend trails off realising that bar me, she doesn’t have a receptive audience *

‘Have you ever heard a man say I don’t care what my woman looks like? My woman could have an awful hip to ass ratio, ugly face and teeth that cause the general public great distress. But that doesn’t matter. I just want a woman with a good heart. Have you heard a man say that? Ever? ’.

* We both shake our heads *

‘So why on earth isn’t the health of his bank balance a priority?’

Startled by her brazenness, my friend and I looked at each other in genuine shock.

‘ What’s wrong with having a ‘money’ category on your list of priorities? A good heart (or undying love) can’t clear your overdraft, pay your bills or do anything beyond making you feel mushy inside. It’s just not enough’

‘So what you’re saying is that money is a non-negotiable factor?’

‘Yes. The absence of money means there’s no security. A life without security is death or poverty. I don’t know which is worse really. Money isn’t the only priority, but it’s high up there’.

My friend then piped up and said

‘Wait a minute, how much money are we talking about? And what if he’s on track to making money but hasn’t got much yet? Are you guys willing to wait?'

‘Well it’s all relative. I’m not like her’

* Points to friend who’s married to a premiership footballer *

‘I want comfort not opulence. And of course we’ll be with men who haven’t made it yet. Income and ambition can say a lot about character. Haven’t you met a man who’s constantly broke, talks all day about his ‘dreams’, but always seems to be in the same place? We like men who are doers with ambition, drive and purpose. Money is evidence of that.’

At that point I interjected…

‘That’s a bit of a fallacy isn’t it? You’re making a huge logical leap by assuming being wealthy is indicative of a virtuous character. Some people are great at making money and they’re assholes. And there’s many good men for who making vast sums of money isn’t a life priority…’

‘Well those of men aren’t for us’.

What was really interesting about these women is that they were successful in their own right and didn’t ‘need’ a man with money. They were quite capable of supporting their own lifestyles and all of them took great pride in the fact they paid their own way. They had no deep-seated insecurity or concern for what others thought, so rich men didn’t validate or affirm their existences. Furthermore they believed their outlook on men is one your average woman is either:

a) Fearful to strive for because she lacks the confidence
b) Fearful to openly admit to because they don’t want the ‘gold digger’ label

Amused at their crude (yet kinda true) analysis I said

‘You girls can take care of yourself! Why the obsession with men that match or surpass you financially?’

The ‘ringleaders’ response..

‘Experience has taught us that relationships rarely work if the man earns less than the woman. For our peace of mind, we only get in relationships with men that we don’t need to upgrade.’

And after that comment, we decided to close the matter because that was a separate debate within itself and it would be so much easier to talk about clothes!

After spending the evening/early morning with these women my friend and I came away realising there has been a dramatic paradigm shift in the occupational status and nature of women people would traditionally refer to as ‘gold diggers’.

To call them gold diggers would be incorrect, as they don’t want a man’s money, they just need to know he has it. Consequently a new (slightly misogynistic yet true) term is necessary. The question we’re (still) asking ourselves is…

Are these women wrong or right in their approach?

Christiana xxx

Worth the Risk?

The one thing I love (well like) about Twitter is that despite everything that’s annoying about it.....

The constant stream of shameless self-promotion

The philosophical quotes that aren’t that deep…or useful

People retweeting individuals I don’t follow for a valid reason

The fact it fosters the megalomania of artists who are quantifiably crap

The countless cowards who hide behind pseudonyms and tweet things they lack the courage to say in person

It is still a bit amazing.

And it’s (a bit) amazing because you never know what’s going to happen next. If you follow the right people (currently I think I have the right blend of creative/intellectual, sane/clearly insane) and have the right followers (all my followers have suspiciously high IQs) it’s a sphere full of the unexpected.

Whilst Facebook has become a predictable teenager who has bouts of feigned rebelliousness, Twitter is a precocious toddler. You just don’t know what it’s going to come out with next. Whereas Facebook has become increasingly intrusive, claustrophobic and riddled with people that are easily offended, Twitter hasn’t quite got that vibe…yet.

Like (most) self-employed folk, I spent part of this morning pretending to work. Part of my pretending to work routine involves me surfing twitter.

Suddenly I stumbled on part of the reason I’m a citizen of Twitterville. A friend @BigBowbeep (follow her. she’s amazing &going to be HUUUUUGE one day) tweeted an abridged version of the following…

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Mark Twain

And the quote got me thinking.

Although Mark Twain is instructing us to abandon the safe option, this quote is underpinned by a latent question.

‘How wiling are you to take risks?’

I’ve been labelled a ‘risk taker’ but I’d argue I simply have a tendency for doing stupid things. Like shopping when I can’t afford it, taking risks is my crack. I couldn’t live without it. In my eyes a life without risks is death.

Aware that I take risks like Diddy throws parties my parents attempted (and still try) to teach me ‘how to take risks’. I didn’t listen (much) because I went through a phase when I believed they were wrong (about everything) and I was right.


Sidebar: Of course I was wrong. Deadly wrong.


One thing I remember them saying (or it could have been my extreme right wing Uncle, all the lectures I heard in my teenage years are a big fuzz) is

A risk is worth taking if you will gain more than you could potentially lose.

Which I never understood at the time but now makes perfect sense.

Unfortunately the principle is limited.

It’s useful if I’m trying to buy something on the stock market, contemplating purchasing a property or considering investing in that Birkin I’ve lusted after….

Sidebar: For all those who sneered, a Birkin handbag is a sound investment. It’s one of the few accessories that appreciates with time. Even cars don’t do that, so there * sticks out tongue *

Sadly it’s utterly useless when it comes to matters of the heart. In practice, it’s helpful to refer to such a principle if/when you run into a person who is completely wrong for you and is nothing more than poison with genetal's. Unfortunately lust masquerading as love at first sight, immobilises the human ability to say ‘hell no’ when necessary. Even though the potential lover would more than qualify to be the high priest/priestess of a low cult I like to call ‘The Wasteologists’, a foolish risk suddenly seems worth it. It’s not until we come out the other side (weeks, months or even years later) we realise the person wasn’t worth the risk.

So what are we to do?

The Duchess would say ‘Pray on it’….(but she also recommended prayer when I wanted to switch hairdressers…)

Some of my closest friends recommend ‘Weighing up your options’

Others say ‘Obey how you feel’ (which is a bit stupid because our feelings can’t really be trusted)

Some say ‘Think about it before you act’ (but then you could over-think and end up in a state of inertia)


People on twitter would tell us to ‘Listen to the universe’ (not my preferred option, I don’t believe in the ‘universe’ in the way people go on about her. And if she is a force, she’s indifferent and certainly not speaking to me).

And a woman on the bus told me that ‘a man’s worth the risk if you’ll get a decent amount of money if you ever have to get divorced’


So what say you? How do we figure out if someone is worth the risk? And more importantly, is anyone worth the risk of a broken heart?!

Christiana

xxx

High Maintenance women: The Myths

I vowed in 2010

A) To debate less and meditate more
B) To behave myself.... : )

I’m failing. Woefully.

Recently, this young chap and I were debating. He spent the bulk of the time casting aspersions about the female gender. Seeing as I was not placed on this earth to defend women against every senseless accusation thrown at them, I (initially) kept silent.

Sidebar: I choose to allow radical feminists and Mary J Blige’s music to defend on my behalf.

I spent the entirety of the conversation wanting to run away. Sadly he’d bought me a drink and in accordance with my moral framework, the least I can do when someone's watered me is to listen to what they have to say. Even if they manage to be simultaneously intelligent and unintelligible.

Eventually I got sucked into the debate when he said something along the lines of ….

‘Most single women are single because they're too high maintenance’

* huge sigh *

We live in a world where (most) commentary concerning single women tends to be wholly inaccurate, almost true or just plain stupid. Heck all the TV shows about single women are clearly written by savvy (yet slightly misguided) gay men, because as much as they ‘get women’, they miss the little crucial things.

Sidebar: I can’t remember an episode of Sex and the City where any of the protagonists complained of having period pains. Fail.

Single women aren't some monolithic lump, so any (accurate) analysis would require a painstaking division into sub-sections. Which most people can’t be bothered to do. I know I couldn’t. Instead what people do is quote ‘general trends’ as the ‘norm’. And what we now have is a whole heap of people unable to distinguish the myths about single women from the facts.

It’s a bit like being the poor soul that happened to be sitting next to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab on a plane to Detroit. If that person concluded that all 'Nigerian’s are terrorists’ instead of

Radicalised religion + loads of money + idiocy = Incompetent terrorist

We’d have a bit of a problem.

Sidebar: I’m well aware that was a completely disconnected point, but I just needed to get that off my chest.

Now where was I…..?

High Maintenance women.

Personally I have no issue with high maintenance women. As long as that woman aims to maintain her high standards by working herself, (rather than find a man to maintain her), she has my full support.

What I do have a problem with is people misidentifying what high maintenance is. Understandably the whole concept of being high maintenance is relative. One man’s Primark, is another’s Prada. However there are few things I will unequivocally state are not high maintenance, they're just a woman having reasonable standards.

Considering there was a (albeit brief) phase when I was labelled a woman hater (lies) and that deranged feminist sent me that weird email, let me defend my gender concerning the "high maintenance" myth then forever hold my peace

Sidebar: well not forever, I just always wanted to blog that phrase.


A woman is not high maintenance if.....


1) A man asks her out on a date and she’d like to be taken restaurant where the food on the menu isn’t advertised using pictures.

2) She expects a man to pay, if he requested her presence and initiated the date.

3) She becomes annoyed if you didn't send her a text, tweet or call to check if she got home ok. Unless there was bereavement, he lost his mobile, there was no internet in the entire area or his fingers fell off.....There's no excuse for not trying to find out if she got home safely.

4) She asks why he didn't call her back when he promised he would.

5) She "looks" like a high maintenance woman. Don’t be deceived by a woman’s choice of attire, it doesn’t say as much about her character as people have been led to believe.

6) She doesn’t like walking.In the cold.For long periods of time.And she's hungry.

7) She doesn’t want you.

8) She has a clear idea concerning what she wants.

On the flip side....

A woman is a high maintenance crook

If she expects a lot yet inputs nothing.


And that is all.

Christiana xxx

Stuff the Duchess says

The Duchess is one of my favourite people in the world. She is beautiful, glamorous, fiercely intelligent, ambitious, incredibly funny, hard working, loving (to her detriment) and the epitome of a diva.

The Duchess is my mum.

The Duchess and I have quite an interesting relationship. In many ways it encompasses all the traits of a typical mother/daughter relationship. We love each other dearly and are as similar as we are different. If I were writing a piece for a magazine at this point I’d fill my word quota with the clichéd ‘she’s not just my mother, she's my best friend’. As true as that statement is, it doesn’t quite do us justice. She is one of my ‘best friends’ but our relationship transcends the limitations and fickleness of friendship.

She is my mum. And somehow she manages to do it perfectly.

In the year plus since I’ve had this blog, I’ve wanted to write about the classic things the Duchess says.

Things like…

‘You look really pretty today mum’

‘What do you mean I look pretty? I AM pretty?’

Or the scenario that occurs most frequently….

‘Wow. Don’t you look great’

To which she responds

‘I know!’

My mum’s effortless confidence has shown me that you must never be condescending (or disingenuously moderate) about yourself in order to make others feel comfortable. Sadly I’ve been placed under strict orders not to turn her (classic and far superior) rants into blog fodder. She regularly ends emotionally charged statements with

‘If you dare put me on that blob* of yours, you will regret your life’

* Yes she calls it a blob, not a blog.

Today I called the Duchess and informed her that I intended to write a blog entry dedicated to some of her musings. Fortunately I caught her in a good mood and she readily agreed (surprisingly she didn’t insist I pay her first).


Sidebar: When my mum’s in a good mood invariably she’ll do one of two things. Mid- conversation she may launch into a prayer of victory. Or she’ll sing one of two songs. An African Christian chorus that alludes to the fact that Jesus will beat up anyone who messes with her. Or Kanye West’s ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing’. That’s right my mother mashes up ‘ Na Na Na, Wait till I get my money right’ with ‘I have a very Big God Oh’…. * shakes head *

There is a chance that one of my mother’s spies will call to inform her that she’s made the ‘blob’. There’s also a chance that the Duchess will claim that our conversation this morning never happened and if I argue that it did she will say ….

‘Are you calling me a liar?’

A question she knows I’ll never answer because no matter how much I front, I’m a tincy wincy bit afraid of her. At that point I’ll have to yank this entry down.

Until then…

Stuff the Duchess says…

I saw your video on paying for dates. Nonsense. Any man that lets women take him out isn’t worth the money she spent on him. Even if he’s broke, let him show you he’s creative.

Marriages aren’t failing people. People fail at marriage, then they divorce, marry someone else and are shocked when they’re miserable.


My cousin and I are dressed up on our way out
‘Last time you girls went out did you meet any decent men…?’
• Awkward pause *
‘Not really’
‘Why?’
‘No one was our type!’
‘No the problem is you’re both practically half naked so there’s no mystery. Buy longer dresses’
• The Duchess cackles *

You’re better off getting on the bus with dignity, than prostituting yourself in a man’s Rolls Royce.

Even if you’re depressed put on some make up and get dressed up. The whole world doesn’t need to know your problems.

God is not your personal magician. Work hard.

You are free to live how you like. Just don’t forget you have a surname.

In response to my requests to sleep at my friend’s house as a child
Be content with your own bed.

Even if he doesn’t have much money give him a chance. No one knows tomorrow.

Be your own friend first.

Last time I went food shopping with my mum she called someone and said…
‘Matt. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. You know the deal.’
It turned out Matt is her fishmonger. She has his mobile number, gives him a Christmas card and always receives a near criminal discount.

It is an insult to invite someone to your house and then not feed them.

Ignore people that tell you money can’t make you happy. They don’t know how to shop.

To me (on a regular basis)
If you can’t cook what will your children do?
My response
‘I’ll get a maid’
Her response
‘Just make sure she’s old and not as good-looking as you. The same goes for your nanny’.


On Katie Price and Peter Andre
Peter is a good man. He would have been better marrying a woman from the village.

How she got her last upgrade
I suffer from claustrophobia. I want to sit in first class.

On every single pop star I’ve fancied
What church does he go to?

On hate crimes
Anybody that beats a man because he is (a) gay is evil and stupid.

Why waste your time explaining yourself to people that don’t get it?

On Beyonce marrying Jay-Z
I hope Beyonce’s husband has a good job, she’s worked very hard. God forbid any man messes her up * clicks her fingers to emphasise her point *

What she says to me regularly…
I love you. But hurry up and move out

When people ask her what she ‘uses’ to stay looking so young
I don't know I just look good.

Her attitude to body image
Always stay slim. There is no joy in fatness, believe me I’ve been there.

Her response to my last bust up
Friends come and go. But love God, stay close to him and you’ll be just fine.

Happy New Year!

Before I start….

Happy New Year!


Can you believe it’s a new decade? We are the generation that survived great perils. Weapons of mass destruction, Blarism, anthrax and T-Pain. Somehow we made it through all of that and much more. I’m proud of us all : )

Everyone I’ve run into so far has proclaimed with great enthusiasm ‘Christiana, this is MY year’. Due to the human propensity for self-sabotaging acts (for further evidence please go on youtube and watch Sisqo’s entrance into the Big Brother House), I have reservations concerning the veracity (and likelihood) of their proclamations. Contrarily, if a year ago you happened to be taking a stroll in some inconsequential part of Scotland and run into a woman called Susan walking her cats, I’m sure you wouldn’t have envisioned her topping the charts. Ergo I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade. If it’s your year, make it happen.

Sidebar: Just ensure you pay your taxes, don’t litter, minimise the bragging on Twitter and try not to break wind on London transport.

I have quite a few new years resolutions. Some I know intuitively, others need to be documented in order to help me execute them. The problem is I haven’t gone through the necessary/tedious task of writing them down and sticking them on my inspiration board.

I’ve avoided writing down my resolutions because deep down I know there’s no point trying to embark on any internal change, when aspects of my external environment are in disarray. It would be the equivalent of being a bit smelly and deciding to have a shower, but not washing my armpits.

Anyway.

I need to purge myself of all the relationships/ties/horrible pieces of clothing that are quantifiably crap because I don’t want 2009 drama in 2010.In order to help myself in this process (and anyone else in a similar place) here is my list of ……

Tips and Tricks to help ensure this decade is better than the last!

1) Living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money is the behaviour of wastemen. Live within your means.

2) Wash your car more. You never know who may ask you for a lift.

3) Associates, acquaintances and (even) ‘real’ friends, tend to increase the frequency of their phonecalls/emails when they need something. Do not be offended and call them out about it. It’s how the world works.

4) Invoice straight away. And if they’re stalling on giving you your money bombard them with emails/phonecalls.
5) The mockery of ‘haters’/enemies is often more useful than the counsel of friends. The key is to have easy access to both.

6) Never be too proud to scream for help when you need it.

7) Look happy at weddings and make sure you eat a massive meal before you get there. 22 years in and you’ve never gone to a wedding where you’ve made the table that gets to eat first.

8) RE Tip 8. If you’re not a close relation to the bride or groom, scrap the ceremony, head straight to the reception venue and if asked say ‘It’s been a beautiful day’.

9) If you’re not careful, shopping will be your downfall. Earn More, Spend Less and Save More. Or (see number 11).

10) If you’re not sure if you should wear it….burn it.

11) Surrender to your mum’s requests that you email her all your ‘pretty pictures’ so she can circulate them within her social network. If ‘Mr Right’ hasn’t turned up by the time you’re 29 and 6 months, relent and marry the rich Dr with the hairline that needs prayer.

12) Never leave your house without anti-bacterial hand gel.

13) Facebook is essentially a time tax. Cut the amount of time you spend within that virtual crack den and do something substantial.

14) Next time you’re stopped by a police officer for speeding, cry straight away.

15) Lay off the ibuprofen.

16) Some call it ‘quitting’ but sometimes a ‘strategic retreat’ is the best option.

17) If he doesn’t call you back when he said he would… Don’t assume or conclude anything. And DON’T send a passive aggressive bordering on insulting text message. Act like you haven’t noticed.

18) The final clause of tip 17 should be your response to the folly you’re exposed to on a weekly basis. ‘Act like you haven’t noticed’.

19) Some individuals are a living reminder that age and wisdom are as incongruous as Kanye West and humility. Do your utmost to never be like them.

20) Work really hard. With the sole aim of paying back all the money you've stolen from your mum and dad’s wallets. * Sings Usher’s ‘these are my confessions’ *

21) Take your time.


Christiana xxx