The Problem With Categories

Recently a good friend of mine promised me he’s finally ready to have a real girlfriend and I foolishly volunteered my matchmaking services. After listening to his checklist and reminding him that I don’t know Halle Berry personally, I concluded I probably knew about 2.5 women who’d be able to tolerate him without contemplating hanging themselves by their hair.

After coming up with a few names, my friend suddenly informed me of his non-negotiable requirement. He is adamant that the woman must not have a tattoo on her neck. Now none of the woman I suggested had neck tattoos. However I felt offended on behalf of my (imaginary) neck tattooed friend who was amazing yet being unfairly discriminated against for something so superficial.

It so happened that a few of our other friends were present during my ‘matchmaking consultation’ and unsurprisingly a debate ensued about the ‘neck tattoo test’ . Of course we never found common ground however as the discussion evolved I can say I learnt one thing.

Men place women into categories (too).

Well duuh, you’re probably thinking. The thing is prior to this conversation, I hadn’t given extensive thought to the categories men lump women into or if they categorise us at all. I believe a woman should discover her true identity on her terms, and paying too much attention to what she believes ‘men’ want, will inevitably stifle her self-expression. For that reason I deliberately don’t allow my mind to dwell on the topic too much.

However when I have thought about how men may categorise women, I’ve always they’re more flexible than women in their selection process. The commonly accepted idea is it’s women that have the stringent criteria and are supposedly unwilling to compromise. But I’ve changed my mind. I do think men are equally (if not more) stringent than women are. Even though us women don’t like to admit it, our ‘checklist’ is subject to change and most of us can attest to the fact we’ve fallen for a man who was once in the 'why won't he stop calling me?' category.....

On the other hand the conversation I had with my friends made it apparent to me that even though some men may not know what they want, when they know what they don’t want, they stick to it.

Fascinated by the concept of categories I asked my friends to outline them.

Sidebar: It’s too long to go into and will have to be a completely different blog entry. If we simplified matters and used broad strokes, there are women that are worthy of meeting a man’s mum and those that aren’t.Simple.

What was enlightening (and slightly frightening) was that how a woman is categorised impacts:

1) How much a man invests in a relationship
2) How long the relationship will last.

Which basically means there are millions (well thousands) of women in a relationship that they think has long term potential, completely oblivious to the fact that their men have placed them in a ‘short term’ category. Because apparently (heavy emphasis on the apparently)

‘A woman can work her way down the categories, but rarely can she work her way up’

Now I knew there was no point debating whether men should or shouldn’t categorise women, it would be hypocritical as women categorise men. Furthermore bar the neck tattoo test (which I still think is ludicrous) the traits required to be in different categories weren’t as superficial as I thought they’d be. My objection was the fact I felt my friends had missed something crucial…

‘Just because a woman appears to appropriate doesn't mean she is'

All these ‘categories’ and the various requirements necessary to fulfill them are deceptive. Why? Because people are deceptive.

Smart (well devious) women and men will project what they think will help them attract the type of person they want. In essence they can (and will) create a version of themselves, that isn’t reflective of the ‘true them’. For instance one of my friends insists he’ll only be with a woman who goes to church regularly because he wants to be with a Christian. He seems to have forgotten that that many people are churchgoers and many people call themselves Christians, but few are both. Or my other friend who insisted he likes the type of woman who frequents art galleries because it indicates she’s cultured. What about those people who go to art galleries just because it makes them seem cultured? The type that doesn’t absorb anything they observe and really don’t care about extending their minds. For such people going to art galleries is how they polish their particular brand of pretentiousness.The bottom line is people will pretend to be who they think they need to be. They may be so successful at it they fool everyone, even themselves, into believing that’s who they truly are.

Perhaps I’m playing devil’s advocate, but what if a woman gives the appearance of being "less" than she is? What if she's being placed in the wrong category and just needs someone to work alongside her? And what about the women who seem great on paper but internally there’s a she-devil plotting world domination?I’m not denying the usefulness of categorising, I’m merely highlighting how deceptive such a method can be in the long run. Furthermore by placing such a great emphasis on categories, both men and women are essentially closing themselves off to people who could be great for them.

We may not be able to fling aside our categorisations but let’s all bear in mind the only thing we can really ‘judge’ a person on is merit. Opening our horizons and considering more people than we otherwise would can’t be a bad thing…even if they have neck tattoo’s : )

Love & Light

xxx