Is it cheating if you're on a 'break'?

“Hi Christiana, My boyfriend cheated on me whilst we were on a break. I found out through a mutual friend of ours and when I confronted him he admitted everything. Now we both really want to get back together but I can’t forgive him for betraying me the way he did. He says because we were on break he doesn’t think it was cheating. I feel like he did because I don’t think the point of a break is to see other people. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?’

Initially when I read this email I delayed responding because I was afraid of giving the wrong advice. The politics of cheating is a rather delicate issue and diplomacy isn't my strongest point. Also my mum recently said..

‘There are crazy people out there be careful someone doesn’t sue after reading (bad) advice on your blob’

(Yes she still calls my blog a blob.)

Although my mother’s words echo in my mind every time I write (thanks mum!), I'm reassured by the words of Erica Jong

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t’

A quote I’ve personalised into….

‘Advice is what we ask for when we already know what we’re going to do, but we pretend we’re open to suggestion’

Therefore I’m taking comfort in the fact that being sued is unlikely because my advice will probably be discarded.

DISCLAIMER: My ‘estate’ comprises of clothes, a few bags of emergency weave stashed in a secret place and shoes my mum thinks are only fit for low-grade prostitutes. Unless you’re a size 8, in desperate need of yaki and contemplating moonlighting as a hooker, suing me won’t bring dividends.

Do you think he was cheating?

A while go my friend and I had the ‘what is cheating?’ debate. My friend was lamenting the fact he was dating a girl who deemed ‘intense flirting and inappropriate text messages’ as cheating, as it indicated ‘the intention to cheat, which is just as bad as the deed in itself’. As extreme as her logic is, it demonstrates that the cheating line is arbitrary and relative to the individuals involved.

Since we were bored and borderline inebriated we decided to come up with a one-size-fits-all definition of what cheating is

“‘If you wouldn’t do or say it in the other person's presence, it's probably cheating or will lead to cheating”

If I crudely applied our definition to this scenario, it could be argued the guy cheated. He had violated his ‘girlfriend’s’ trust, knowing that if she were in the vicinity he wouldn’t have proceeded with his actions. If I were being brutal, I’d tell her to move on. After all there are billions of single men in the world, a significant number of them willing and able to remain celibate during ‘breaks’. Except nothing in life is that black and white, and it’s by examining the shades of grey we become enlightened.

The Grey Area

This issue isn’t her boyfriend’s decision to ‘cheat’; the real issue can be traced back to their mutual decision to go on a break. I despise breaks. Instead of having the guts to decide whether to stick at it or split, we decide to wallow in indecisiveness using a ‘break’ as a shield. In short breaks are simply a method of deferring the inevitable.

The problem is, during the deferral period no one quite knows how they’re supposed to behave. Do you act like a couple who communicate less? Or do you act like you're single? Or is a break a chance to be single when you feel like it? Due to all of these unnecessary questions I only advocate breaks if people agree to sign a binding contract outlining the terms and conditions. If the contract is violated both parties will face severe ramifications. Wait…I think they've got a name for those kinds of contracts, yes that would be marriage!

Many reading this will argue breaks can be beneficial. They may even claim a break made their relationship stronger. However the chances are you're still together in spite of the break, not because of it. Those who believe ‘breaks’ change things are a bit like the thousands of misguided educators who think suspension, detention and expulsion can reform students. They don’t. In fact they often exacerbate the underlying issues. And scenarios such as the one we’re discussing illustrate that the costs of a break going wrong far outweigh the benefits of a break going right.

Since they were on a break, technically he wasn’t cheating. However what’s technically the case is irrelevant when a woman feels hurt and betrayed. The question ‘was he cheating?’ is redundant as the damage has already been done. The real question is the one she needs to ask herself: ‘Do I think I’ll be able to get over this incident?’.

What do you think I should do? Should I take him back?

Despite my reservations with breaks one of their benefits is that they’re a chance explore yourself and find out what you really need. It’s basically like being single but you have an insurance plan if you decide to change your mind. Since you’re on a break you might as well stay on a break. It would be quixotic to think if you got back together now it could work out.

My motto is 'when in doubt wait'. Immediate action after a crisis is overrated. Take time to discover if he matches your needs and if you’re the best woman for him. Furthermore if you eventually take him back, make sure you have the capacity to trust him wholly. It wouldn’t be fair to take him back yet persist in holding on to the past.

I’ve said how I feel, now I'd love to hear your views. Do you think he was cheating? What do you think she should do? Should she take him back? Let me know!

Christiana

xxx