Wednesday, 25 August 2010

The Stringent Criteria

Before I get started with today’s post I’m going to do a shameless plug. A few months ago I did a photo shoot and interview for an online magazine called ‘WWIT’. You can read the full feature here. I’d like to say a big thank you to the editor Dennis Lye and stylist Ivie for putting it together.

Right on to today’s topic!

Whilst Facebook browsing with a good friend, (browsing being an euphemism for stalking), we stumbled on a rather interesting Facebook status. In the status the young lady started off by boldly proclaiming she was through with ‘wastemen’

Sidebar: For those that don’t know a ‘wasteman’ is colloquialism for a man with little prospects and delusions of grandeur. It’s a subjective term that's often used in vain. Recent research has demonstrated that one woman’s wasteman is another woman’s demi-God. (There’s a massive possibility I’m lying about the recent research).

Despite my suspicion I was reading a status that would spark a futile internet debate (one I’d feel compelled to follow until something better cropped up), I kept reading. The young women went on to list the qualities she expects her next boyfriend to possess. In a rather brazen move, (brazen being an euphemism for stupid) she decided to specify the minimum amount she expects her next boyfriend to earn. Initially, the status generated a massive number of likes and comments, as her friends congratulated on her decision to ‘aim higher’.

Fast-forward an hour later, my friend and I are still browsing the internet (seriously we’re browsing now not stalking…) and the status update has sparked an e-conflict of Cold War proportions. A few people had taken personal offence at the salary she listed and validly pointed out how much a man earns has no direct bearing on his character. They also stated suggesting there’s a correlation between high income and character (which she later implied) would be a disservice to the millions of men who don’t earn that much but are great fathers, uncles, brothers, friends etc.

Unfortunately they didn’t quite express their points in this manner. The young lady was called a ‘gold digging bitch’ and the debate quickly descended into an exchange of insults.

Sidebar: Funnily enough I recently had a discussion with my aunt and told her I thought some of her opinions were borderline gold diggerish. Her response? * Nigerian accent * ‘What do you want me to dig for? Copper?’

The sheer tackiness of publicly stating how much you expect a man to earn aside, I had no issue with the traits the young lady listed. They were nothing more than an expression of her personal choice. If tomorrow she decides she wants a man who dresses up as power ranger on the weekends and licks car windows as a hobby, I’d feel worried about the state of her mind, but I'd defend her right to do so.

In all the madness of the debate not one person asked the question that sprung to my mind as soon as I read status…

‘So you’d like all of these traits in a man however…. what do YOU have to offer?’

It’s all well and good sitting around writing down the traits you want your ‘dream man’ to have. All the New Age ‘your love life is crap,let’s make it less crap!’ books recommend it and I do think it’s important to record in writing what you want in life. However here’s something that people miss. We attract what we are. People naturally gravitate towards people who are on the same wavelength as them. Sure they are (slight) differences, but when it comes down to the fundamentals e.g. how we view the world and choose to live our lives, there must be alignment. If you don’t possess any of the traits you desire in your ‘dream’ partner, writing your list is the equivalent of drafting your personal statement for your application to Hogwarts.

Later on in the debate someone coldly pointed out that the young woman didn’t have 50% of the things she wanted in a man. For crying out loud! If you’re going to have a stringent criteria (and publish it publicly) you must.....

a) Already meet this criteria
b) Be actively working on meeting the criteria

If a or b aren’t true, when you meet the person that does meet your stringent criteria, they’d be well within their right to overlook you for not meeting their ‘standards’. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t insist a man drives a Range Rover, if your current method of transportation is a big fat red public limo also known as a bus.

We’re all within our rights to have high standards, but if we fail to match them ourselves, cleaving to them like they’re gospel is hypocritical, arrogant and about as intelligent as Soulja Boy’s lyrics. To all those that disagree…I sincerely hope you enjoy your first term at Hogwarts.

Love & Light



  1. It's like you're reading my mind. I find it so funny for women, especially, to have a long list of must-haves for a future mate yet the possess NONE of those qualities themselves.

    You first need to reflect what you desire, before you dare to aspire to get that guy you admire. (hmmm, that rhymed. lol)

  2. love your blog!

  3. Absolutely love this. A woman on youtube, Shanel Cooper Sykes has a video call Women have unrealistic expectations which really reitterates what you are saying. I personally do have a list myself, most of the qualities I'm looking for I already have, but those which I do not have, I am working hard to attain. Cheers!

  4. youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! ;-P

    Well said pretty lady! Some people truly have over-inflated estimations of themselves.

  5. *thumbs up*

    I hope that girl read and learnt from this

  6. Most people do it in a subtle way. Some women will not date or marry a man who is a cleaner, or a dustbin man or anyone they thought was an embarrassment. Whilst i disagree with specifying a certain amount of salary on the internet, i fail to see the difference between her and the other women who do it in a different and subtle way. Besides, many women liked being looked after by men, and many men like looking after their women/girls. It is how society has shaped people. I would like to point at her but, when i put all other things in perspective, the difference is nill.

  7. I totally agree. I was catching up with someone I hadn't spoken to in a while, and of course we got onto the subject of men. To cut a long story short she stated that she won't be "checkin' for no man" unless he's got a job, his own car and his own house. This was coming someone that has neither of those.

    I have nothing against gold diggers providing they're stacking their own gold. Even those Disney princesses (apart from Cinderella) had a bit of money on the side (albeit Daddy's money).
    strut{t} mode

  8. Great post! I also think that if you have such high requirements in a partner, the least you can do is match up to all the requirements yourself!
    Please check out my blog (finally started one)when you get the chance.

  9. Fantatstic post! Had this debate many a time over dinner, and will be directing a fair few women to it!!

  10. Great post Christina!