Thursday, 12 August 2010

5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back




Growing up I used to watch with awe when the women in my family debated. I marveled at their intelligence, sense of humour and ability to passionately articulate their opinions. They had a habit of debating so intensely they’d forget I was in the room. I was a precocious child so eventually I would reveal my presence by offering my view. Immediately I would be shooed out the room. Dejected, I’d sigh inwardly, knowing a loud sigh would mean being shot dirty looks. The most frightening look would be the one from my mum, which was code for ‘I’m going to deal with you when our guests go home, but if you do anything else I will twist your ears in public’.

Things are different now. I’ve crossed the invisible border, to a land where my mum no longer twists my ears and topics the matriarchs used to shield me from are now discussed in my presence.

Yesterday evening, while sitting around the dining room table with my mum, aunt and sisters, the shift in family dynamic was all the more apparent. Initially we were discussing benign topics. Suddenly we landed on a contentious topic (ironic considering the post I wrote a few days ago).

‘If a man says he’s changed, should a woman take him back?’

My mum and aunt belong to the school of redemption. They believe that if a man demonstrates that he’s attempting to change, it’s worth a woman considering giving it a shot. Especially if there are children involved.

In the words of my mother….

“The day I write off another human being, I've written off myself. Redemption is always possible. People are too easy to give up on each other nowadays. You can’t just give up at the first hurdle. Everyone deserves a second chance’"

I agreed with elements of my mum and aunt’s logic ,although I think the fact that they're mothers means they think differently from me. Mothers have the capacity to sacrifice their happiness if they think it will help their children. At present I'm far too single (and selfish) to truly empathise with this approach to life.

My main objection to their approach lies with the fact that when we discuss this matter, the sinister subtext is it is a woman's duty (rather than her right) to grant a man second chance . Apparently a woman ‘owes’ it to herself to try and make even the most toxic of relationships work. This perverse idea is a legacy of the fact that prior to the advancement of feminism, women were made to be subservient. Decades later, western women are fully emancipated yet due to external pressures, they persist in being in relationships where they're made to feel devalued.

During yesterday's debate I was pretty much overruled by the weight of wisdom and experience in the room. I'd spent the day binge eating with my goddaughter and my body was so laden with carbs I could barely think clearly. Today’s blog post is inspired by yesterday’s debate and is my attempt to make up for my poor performance.

Ideally the post would be called '5 reasons why you should take him back' unfortunately our world is far from ideal. Considering the number of women who are in toxic relationships (or have friends or family in such a situation) I think it would be borderline irresponsible to write such a post.

Someone recently commented on my Facebook status claiming my blogs are 'anti-male and anti-relationships'. I didn't dial into the debate because I knew it would generate more heat than light. So I'm aware writing this post makes me vulnerable to accusations of being anti-men.Even though my hearbeat (love you dad!) is a man and posts like this demonstrate that isn't the case, I'd just like to emphasise this post isn't an attack against men in general. This post is simply written with the hope that a woman who's settling will grasp the fact she has options and consider taking a different path.



5 reasons why you shouldn’t take him back


1) You have One life

Before we make any crucial decision in life I think we must acknowledge two things we often forgot. Firstly, all of this * points around head * is temporary. Nothing is eternal and it’ll all be over before we know it. Secondly, we get one chance to experience life.Unless you succumb to fear, remembering those two things should propel you towards making the better decision.

We might as well attempt to live in the way we dreamed we could. It's better than wasting days frantically worrying and nights sleeping on pillows soaked in tears. You deserve to live the best version of your life possible. Do you really want to spend your precious time with someone that doesn’t value you?


2) You’re Worth More

The chances are you've probably read some variant of 'You're worth more' message somewhere else. You've heard it so many times you dismiss it as a banal cliche. Which is unsurprising, the amount of New-Age psychobabble women are bombarded with I do think cynicism is the intelligent reaction. However, just because a phrase is ubiquitous doesn't mean it's false. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ‘pretty’, ‘skinny’ or ‘popular’ enough. You’re worth more. Breakaway and allow yourself to find someone that agrees.

3) There's no incentive for him to change as long as you stay

If you really believe he has a good core (despite his actions demonstrating otherwise) I will trust your judgment and respect your right to be tormented. Threatening to leave will change nothing. Contrarily, stubbornly refusing to take him back is more likely to create the conditions for improvement.

4) Single and lonely > Depressed with a companion

It’s better for a woman walk alone and deal with random pangs of loneliness, than have a man and live with constant depression.

5) You Can't Change Him

If you're considering taking a man back because you believe you can change him, I’m going to be the bearer of bad news. You cannot change him. No human has the power to make someone else change. On a good day we may be able to catalyse change,but none of us can cause it. Genuine, long lasting change begins within a person and spills outwards. Not the other way round.


Christiana

xxx



27 comments:

  1. Ms. Christiana, you are a wonderful writer & I'm so happy to be a follower of your blog. I love this post and it is oh so true!! I've been through all 5 and I have learned from each. You're very wise to be so young.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone

      to several casters and I got no results. Until I found

      seraphintemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and

      restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did all

      that he requested of me and trusted him. He performed a spiritual

      cleansing to banish negative energies that was fighting against our

      relationship and casted a love spell. After four days, the man I missed

      dearly started to call me and told me how much he really missed me and

      that he is sorry for leaving me in the cold. Help me to say Thank

      DR SERAPHIN of SERAPHINTEMPLE his Email address seraphintemple@gmail.com

      Delete
  2. Respect the message of this blog, more women need to know 'YOU DESERVE MORE'!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would rather have a single, happy mother than a frustrated, depressed one who sometimes lets her anger over her husband get the best of her(no one forgives a cheating husband completely).

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  4. Great post xxxxxx

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  5. Man Hating Frigid Virgin

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  6. Another brilliant post and this is my favorite:

    "Single and lonely > Depressed with a companion

    It’s better for a woman walk alone and deal with random pangs of loneliness, than have a man and live with constant depression."

    I feel like so many girls out there just stay with their boyfriends for fear of being lonely. I learned the hard way and now I've been single since forever and I've actually never been happier. Sometimes people need to be lonely to know what they truly want. LOVE THIS BLOG, ALWAYS SPEAKS THE TRUTH

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  7. you seem to always talk about superficial and often irrelevant issues. its like being an airhead with a fanbase. try and broaden your horizons, You are a university graduate not a 12 year old school girl. try to put a bit of thought into your articles, you should see the comments on some of your videos on grime daily and you will see how people really view you "commentary" skills.

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  8. THESE PEOPLE MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

    There is no need to be rude when commenting on the blog and if you are going to do it, don't remain anonymous; it's cowardly.

    Joy

    P.S: Nice post btw, my fav is still the quitting one from last week; it touched a few nerves and gave me the courage to do/say some things I otherwise wouldn't have.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. you are perhaps one of the dumbest people to ever create a blog its like you have peanuts for brains. you and that rude fag called ezra are perhaps the real-life equivalent of twidle-dum and twidle-dee very stupid and highly opinionated. you however seem to use a heap of words which suggest intelligence but it seems like when the lights are on it just falls down to two HIGH UN-INTELLIGENT individuals with a dictionary at hand. I feel you need to just stop this "black kate moss" this you are a very nasty bitch as well as your friend Ezra. And I am honestly not the first of many to state this. My advice get a Life, hobby and re-evaluate your degree. because you and Ezra two very ignorant and sad individuals who have dumb opinions and ever dumber followers at bay.

    Thanks you MORON!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, u got nothing better to do but put down someone that is trying to give advice. U found this blog sooooo what up with u

      Delete
  10. Oh dear oh dear, not another one of your man-bashing blogs again.I must tell you that some of your thoughts are quite naive and self-defeating. Firstly, let's go back to 'THINKING LIKE A MAN & ACTING LIKE A WOMAN'. Please, the next time a guy asks you to lunch, if you don't want to go, for God's sake, SAY NO. If you do choose to go and the restaurant seems a bit too much and makes you feel uncomfortable, tell the guy straight away before main course is served. Shifting food around your plate is synonymous to calling the guy a LOSER for thinking so highly of you that he bothered to put some serious efforts in. Apologise for being such a pain and tell him you would prefer to go somewhere much simpler. If he really is interested in you, he will appreciate your honesty and he will feel as if he can trust you with his life already. Men will do the craziest things to impress women if they are really interested. Every time my friends & I have been on a date, we simply do a couple of extra shifts at work to cover the expenses of Jamie's italian, Heston blumenthal, il-convivio, chop house et al, all of which i have been to and believe me i only earn the national annual average wage. Men are not as creative as women so it is quite difficult to come up with something impressive and simple+romantic on a first date especially when you have no idea what sort of things your date likes, so the decent ones amongst us settle for the most sophisticated gesture they can come up with. We are also trying to show that we respect you and expect the same back from you for the fact that we made any effort.
    That said, it is very straight forward to know exactly what sort of a person a Man is within 3-4 months of dating. His schedule, his friends, his strengths, his weaknesses, his ambitions, his beliefs, his prejudices, every thing a woman needs to identify if she should hang on to him or not. This is because men know that other men will admire the same woman and they do everything possible to show all of their true colours as soon as possible. Women simply need to pay attention, lots of attention in the first 12 weeks. Ask questions, about everything. Knock out his intelligence and see how far his intellect goes and how open minded he is. The truth is women are too busy worrying about the colour of their underwear, hearstyle, makeup and outfits in the first few months such that they dont see any alarm bells early enough until they have competely become comfortable 1 year later. On the other hand, you can live in the same house with a woman for 5 years and still find it completely impossible to tell what she is thinking. 95% of the time a man cheats, the cohort, OF COURSE IT'S A WOMAN, knows that he is seeing someone else seriously. The excitement of sneaking around other people's back and knowing that someone else finds this person attractive blinds women from taking a walk. Here's an idea to all women out there including you Christiana, if you ever find out that a guy you are dating has been with another person before you and is still with the same person, do the decent thing and walk away. Not just that, help the other woman out by contacting her if you can and tell her what a slut her partner is. Of course, at first she might see you as the enemy who's trying to 'destroy her perfect relationship or ruin her life', you will be doing the feminine gender some good. After all, a man can only cheat with a nother woman if the other woman allows him to. And let's not forget that it is very easy to tell if a guy is already with someone, just keep your eyes open and look out for the signs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. wow, u might actually reach a 'russel brand' esque level of popularity soon. You are going closer to controversial than logically balanced blogger. I think you need to read you blogs and let it digest for 24 hours, you know, allow your rants to swirl around your head for a little bit before posting it. Does your Old Man know what you think about men and how you seem not to realise that men cannot be solely irresponsible? A man cheats with another woman, usually one who knows he is seeing someone seriously. The excitement of sneaking around is what drives the cheating habit and believe me women are worse cheaters than Men. You might want to do a good research on infidelity levels between the two genders in the 21st century. The male gender is rapidly evolving. More men are taking fatherhood and married life seriously than ever. Don't get stuck in the prejudices of the 19th century. My street is full of black married couples with the men very obviously present. I can't wait for schools to resume to see the sight of dads and their kids hand in hand on their way to work ans school respectively. Open your eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If you don't like her blog then DON'T read it!

    Simple as.

    Why do you guys have to sit behind your screens and attack her for voicing her opinions?

    Is it not one of our rights in this country to have freedom on speech?

    Negativity that is so unnecessary...she is trying to do something postive with her talent if you don't like it then go else where!

    *Sigh* What is this world coming to?

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  13. Sorry forgot to say great post as always Christiana... made me think about some stuff...I just need to courage to actually do what I need to do now!

    Keep it up =]


    x

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  14. Love your blog and would love for you to follow my blog http://tumoe.blogspot.com/

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  15. Please don’t let the negative comments above upset u!!!!

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  16. MY DAYS THIS GIRL IS SINGLE AND SHE'S GIVING ADVICE ON RELATIONSHIPS?! HOW STUPID ARE ALL YOU WOMEN WHO LISTEN TO HER?! SHE'S SINGLE FOR A REASON!! SUCH A BITTER NASTY BITCH WITH A CHIP ON HER SHOULDER!!

    WAKE UP LADIES AND STOP USING "SOCIAL BLOGGERS" AS A MEANS TO GUIDE YOUR LIFE!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. To all those being negative and just plain spiteful:
    Why is this getting so personal? All Christiana did was say her opinion and yes, you're entitled to yours but don't criticise and say horrible things about someone whom you probably don't even know.
    You say all her followers are stupid and morons, but surely you are for reading something you know you're not going to like?

    I liked this one Ama, my favourite point was the one where you said 'all of this *points around head* is temporary'. It's so true, we do only have one life and I think at times, people forget that. I look forward to the next one.

    Love from Rachael
    Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Like my mum always use to say if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

    With my own little spin on it...if you can't give constructive and positive criticism then why bother?

    And in reference to Anonymous (quite irony really don't you think?)

    Most people who read "soical bloggers" already know what they have to do on a situation but have to have hear it from an outside source (hence blogs, agony aunts and sadly physics) before taking the advice they have ALREADY been given by their friends and family etc.

    And have you ever thought of this...maybe she's single because she WANTS to be or just hasn't found the right person for her yet.

    Just some food for thought...think before you speak sometimes its saves you alot of trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Long time reader, first time commenting.
    there's constructive criticism and there's hate....this is the latter.
    Congratulations on your haters pretty lady, you must be doing something right. x

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow...the "brave" anonymous commentators are killing me. It would make sense to not read the blog if you really don't like what Christiana has to say..but as above you have truly made it if the haters are crawling out from under their stone.

    I agree will never look back or go back to someone I finished with/finished with me. It ended for a reason, people imo rarely change. Just move on and meet someone deserving of you. Realising this after 27 years!

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  21. You'd think someone put a gun to the heads of all the haters above to read this topic. I wonder who forced the upset haters to read this blog. I'm pretty sure the comment section is there to discuss the topic and for everyone to make their own opinion, some will agree and some won't. I was kind of expecting the hate to come with your success. The amusing thing is they are defending cheating men. Can't help but laugh at the hater who seem to think it's wrong to try to expand your vocabulary. It's a shame they stay anonymous because their blog must be suffering for them to be that jealous.

    Anyway my view on the subject is if you cheat, you deserve the misfortune that comes with it. If you take a cheater back then, well maybe you deserve the misfortune that comes with that too. Cheating is wrong and you should treat your partner right. What's the point of sticking around if there's no love in it. However the heading is '5 reasons why you shouldn't take him back' and not 'you must never take him back'. I wonder if people would come out with the same comments if it was '5 reasons to take him back'.

    Not entirely sure about reason 5 though. I think people can change, however I DON'T believe it's anyone's duty or responsibility to try to change anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Discovered your 'blob' tonight when I googled 'signs he doesn't care'. Ironically, it was another post that caught my attention - 'How to get over someone'. Going through that now. What I realize is that women always hesitate to let someone know when they're worth more. We always consider the other person's feelings, don't want to be deemed high maintenance, etc. Do we see Louboutin hesitating to sell $1200 shoes? No. The creators and designers believe their product is worth that much (or at least know that women do lol). We need to start seeing the value in ourselves and 'price' it accordingly. And the 'anonymous' hateration really doesn't need to be posted. If you moderate comments here, leave them out. You don't need to prove you're fair and will post everything. This is your space, let them complain about you on their own 'blob'.

    peace and blessings~

    ReplyDelete
  23. When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone

    to several casters and I got no results. Until I found

    seraphintemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and

    restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did all

    that he requested of me and trusted him. He performed a spiritual

    cleansing to banish negative energies that was fighting against our

    relationship and casted a love spell. After four days, the man I missed

    dearly started to call me and told me how much he really missed me and

    that he is sorry for leaving me in the cold. Help me to say Thank

    DR SERAPHIN of SERAPHINTEMPLE his Email address seraphintemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. My Name is JANE.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my wife called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to email him on ogidiganspelltemple@gmail.com I cant give out his number cos he told me he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he' will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck ogidiganspelltemple@gmail.com you can call him with this number +234-9091091598

    ReplyDelete
  25. my name is Kayla i want to tell you about my past and how blessed i am today. please i understand how it feels to be heartbroken. i have a 5years relationship with my boyfriend not until when he brought me an invitation letter that he was getting married to somebody else because i love him so much and we promise to live our lives together ever since my life have been filled with pains,heart break and i almost took my life because of him. A friend of mine told me how DR IKHINE helped her to get her husband back together after 3year,before i contacted Dr.Ikhine(agbadado@gmail.com)call number tel.+2347060552255 is the spell caster who cast a spell in two days my boyfriend and i are back together. i am so happy for what DR. IKHINE had done for me and my family too it a miracle for me, life have changed for the best. i don't need to explain it more than this but for you to contact him and your life will change for the best i promise you.

    ReplyDelete