Of late I’ve developed the strange habit of praying to God on Twitter. It’s my way of verifying if he frequents social networking sites. Apparently he does and I have firm(ish) empirical proof.
Last week after I e-prayed for Bilal tickets and an iPad, a good friend of mine (love ya Karen!) got us complimentary tickets.
Sidebar: No iPad yet, team Apple if you’re reading I’m open for donations.
As a result of last week’s success, today I decided to send up another e-prayer for tickets.
Sidebar: You may be wondering why I don’t just pay for tickets. Unfortunately my friends in the music industry have spoilt me. The frequency with which I end up on guest list has turned me into a cheapskate. Furthermore free gigs always sound better.
After asking God for Damian Marley and Nas tickets, I figured I would need to confess to something in order to increase the flow of positive energy coming towards me. I tweeted the following….
“I once went to see N.E.R.D VIP @ Brixton Academy. The name I gave @ stage door was "Aleesha Dixon". Lovely old man had no idea. #ForgiveMeFather”
In hindsight, it’s not the wisest thing to publicly confess that you’re prone to committing (celebrity) identity theft. However I’m having a not-so-wise day (not that I’m ever wise). Hence why today’s blog will probably be one of those rants I’ll regret in the morning.
Confessions of a woman on behalf of (similar) women
1) We really don’t care about your ex girlfriend
The myth is women have a tendency to despise ‘the Ex’. Lies. We only care about your ex if she is
a) Equally attractive
If a-c isn’t true it’s unlikely that she’ll ever cross our mind. However we’ll gladly feign jealousy in order to stroke your ego.
2) We also pretend we’re listening
I’m convinced my Dad puts my voice on mute at least 50% of the time. How do I know? Because when I ask him to repeat what I said, he’ll stammer and change the subject. Despite the fact he’s learnt how to effectively tune me out, I love my Dad because he loves me enough to pretend to listen. That’s real love.
What he doesn’t know is that my sisters and I also pretend we’re listening. Especially when he starts speaking about classic Ali fights or how he had to ‘fetch water from the stream in Nigeria and we’re so spoilt we grumble about getting water from a tap’.
Sidebar: Dad if you’re reading I’m joking about the last part (not).
3) We don’t think we’re fat
A significant proportion of women have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. It’s just that the headline ‘65% of women are content with their bodies’ will never sell newspapers (not that newspapers sell anymore).
Sidebar: Dear Rupert Murdoch, I’d just like to take the moment to state I resent the pay wall you’ve erected over at TimesOnline. Pull it down. Free content is the future.
4) Most women get on with each other.
The commonly accepted myth is women are prone to hating each other. In fact our hatred is so baseless some women hate women they’ve never met. The reality is that most women get on with each other. Sadly there are a minute percentage of us who are devious, antagonistic and tiresome. As it only takes a tiny bit of poison to make the whole body sick, this small percentage are able to obstruct our progress as a unit.
5) It seems like we’re saying what’s on our mind but we’re still hiding things.
Women are stereotypically known for their random emotional outbursts where they reveal issues they’ve harboured for months. The truth is more complicated.
In any argument, the chances are we know a lot more than we reveal. In fact I’d argue if a woman confronts a man the probability is she will only use 40% of her knowledge as ammunition. The ‘real issue’ is simply buried in our archives. Should men be afraid? I would be.
6) We don’t have Sex and The City type reunions as often as everyone thinks
The chances of all the members of a clique discussing their sex lives in a restaurant thrice a week is unlikely unless…
a) All members of the clique are unemployed
b) All members of the clique are unemployed
However it’s convenient that men believe such conferences regularly take place.
7) We don’t decide in (insert arbitrary number of seconds) whether we’ll sleep with a man
Apparently women decide in 7/9/(insert random number) seconds if they’ll sleep with a man. Nonsense. Most of the men we fall hardest for, we initially had no intention of entertaining.
When it comes to such matters there’s a positive correlation between how much effort a man puts in and what he gets out. Although women don’t like to admit it, if a man works hard and smart enough he will eventually wear her down.
Disclaimer: Wearing a woman down can take anything from 3 weeks to 300 years.
8) We don't just spy on men we like on the internet.....
We spy on the men our friend’s like too. It’s one of the implicit female friendship conventions (crazy) women adhere to.
9) Many of us hate the phone
This is a self- indulgent addition (then again many would argue by very definition a blog is self-indulgence), I hate the phone and I sincerely hope in honour of Schumpeter someone invents a device that renders the phone obsolete. Until then I'll have to keep 'missing' calls.
10) We’re not that tough
The ‘strong woman’ image, in particular the ‘strong black woman’ archetype, is one that irks me. The constant celebration of women’s apparent strength has meant that many (including women themselves) have interpreted this message as proof women have an endless supply of strength. This is far from true. Women aren’t endowed with a super human strength; it’s just that they’re reluctant to complain when their load is heavy because we want to be 'strong'.
We’re not as tough as we seem, we're just afraid of admitting it.