If engaged in a discussion with a group of single women, the chances are someone will mention the lack of good men on the market. Theoretically such conversations should have stopped a long time ago. When you take into account the number of lesbians and women who’ve decided to dedicate their lives to their cat/vibrator/career/all the above, you’d think there’d be enough good men to go around. Alas it’s not the case. Apparently like good weaves and polar bears, good men are facing extinction and it's not on the list of the U.N's priorities.
The fact I’m single and know many women who shouldn’t be single, means I should believe there’s a drought of good men. Instead I think it’s propaganda. The problem is whenever I debate this topic some antagonist will pipe up and say…..
‘Christiana if there are really loads of good men and it’s all propaganda, where are they?’
A question that irks me because the inquirant knows I have no idea where all the good men are. If I knew I’d own a hugely successful dating agency and become so rich I’d be able to blow my nose on £20 notes.
Sidebar: Alongside tugging Prince Charles’ ears, blowing my nose on £20 notes is a crude fantasy of mine.
I don’t even have enough ‘destitute woman finally finds true love’ anecdotes to share. All the stories I’m being told are evidence the only thing the average woman has to look forward to is a mediocre man with emotional baggage that rivals Lindsay Lohan’s.
Despite the fact I can’t find sufficient empirical evidence to the contrary, I still believe there are many good men out there. There is no drought. There are simply 3 factors at work that cause a lot of good men to go undetected. As this blog is a space to share theories that would otherwise bounce around my head…
Factors causing Good Men to go undetected
1) We place too many men in the ‘Just Friends’ category
Every month without fail a family member or friend will remark that a male friend of mine and I would make the perfect couple. My mum regularly walks into my bedroom and says
‘Why don’t you marry (insert name of the friend that takes her fancy that day)?’
Sidebar: Is it just my mum that leaps to talk of marriage and grandchildren forgetting that a first date hasn’t been arranged?
My aunt recently met a good friend of mine who has a girlfriend and said…
‘You mean to tell me you had that man within your reach and you let her have him? My God we need to enter serious fasting and prayer for you because you have NO sense’ * She sticks up her middle finger, gives me a dirty look, kisses her teeth and shakes her head. Simultaneously *
Sidebar: I think I need to do a blog post dedicated to my aunt.
Imagine a woman listed all the (straight) men she considers ‘just friends’ and wrote down their credentials. If she had read that list before meeting any of those men, she'd consider most of them boyfriend material. The problem isn’t the lack of good men, the problem is we’ve ‘friend zoned’ too many.
2) They’re overlooked because they’re ‘Good Men in the making’
When it comes to picking men many women have an anti-Ikea ethos. We don’t want men who we have to assemble or need to be fixed. We want a ready assembled piece of greatness. The finished article. Such an attitude isn’t selfish, it’s pragmatic. It’s cumbersome enough trying to build your own life, without picking a man that needs to be built too. However any ‘good man’ has become the man he is because someone along the way decided to invest in him.
I'm not advocating women picking men that need to be ‘fixed’. We do enough of that. What I do think is we need to be less brutal with our sieving process. There are good men out there, but too many of us are obsessed with inconsequential flaws and are unable to see them for the men they could be. We label them ‘not good enough’ rather than ‘making moves towards being good enough’.
3) There are 'too many' good women
People often say it’s the ‘hoes’ and women who lack scruple that make it hard for ‘good women’. I disagree. Good women (unintentionally) make it harder for good women. The quality and quantity of good women is so high, there isn't a real incentive for men to retire from bachelorhood. On the other hand if the general perception was good women were becoming extinct , I think the 'good men' would be more inclined to put themselves out there.
Sidebar: See ‘The Average Chick theory’ a post, which explores the idea that a woman excelling is to her detriment.
Those are the 3 factors that I think have contributed to the incorrect perception that there’s a lack of good men. What are your thoughts? Am I right? Are there any more factors? Or am I being optimistic?
Christiana xxx
Hmmmn.....I agree that woman put too many of their male counterparts in the 'friends' department. Though this could be that because we have seen their good and bad sides......we don't want a part of that. As a woman who only just now got into a relationship (I am 22) and never had a boyfriend. I would think that woman are too scared to go into relationships......whose to say that we haven't gone out with a 'good' guy but was too suspicious of our good luck and unintentionally sabotaged the relationship. Those are my muddled thoughts on the subject.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I had never considered that I may have 'friend-zoned' too many of the good men. I'm about to go and reanalyse their CVs lol
ReplyDeleteLOL @ 'anti-Ikea ethos'. I'm sooo using that phrase.
Lol, I've friend-zoned so many good guys its not even funny. This post made me realize that. And yes, I've also overlooked a lot of 'good men in the making.' Not because I was lazy, but because I had so much work to do on myself I didnt think I could cope with working on someone else. But now looking back, and now that I'm in a better position. I realize that the point of relationships is to help and pull along each other. And I'm up for pulling along a guy or "fixing him" if he's willing to do the same thing for me. Anyway, great post as usual. Made me think at 9 on a summer morning. No small feat.
ReplyDeleteI agree with almost everything apart from the 'too many good women' side of it. If there were too many 'good' women it would make men see that they have to be 'good' also to even stand a chance with one of these women. The 'friend zone' comes in to play here also as many of the 'good... See More women' i know are now in the zone, and as we have opened up to each other there is probably no going back. Certain things a man doesn't want to know about his other half if you know what i mean!
ReplyDeleteI think that the fact many women can list several male friends as eligible bachelors is evidence that there are good guys out there. I don’t however believe that having eligible male friends is the cause of singledom. Many women are astute enough to sooner or later consider what’s right under their noses.
ReplyDeleteMy male friends are lovely, and will be the perfect partners for certain girls out there in the big wide world. Not me though. I wouldn't friend-zone someone voluntarily, unless I'd already considered, and cast out the possibility of romance. Yes, they could be good men, but not every good man is good for you.
I'd dated wonderful men, who will make great husbands one day. But the bottom line goes beyond credentials. A man can have many wonderful, noble qualities and be seemingly perfect, but I think true love and the longevity of a relationship is made up of far more cosmic components.
Even if the world were brimming with good men and women (which it is) that’s not to say, the draught would be over. The draught is ultimately the lack of finding meaningful, lasting connections with partners that are just right…for us.
To a degree I think you can ‘work’ on someone but you should always want someone, not for what they might become (because they’re likely to never change or evolve) but exactly who they are. That’s the only way to be fuully happy with your partner. If you can take them as they are, without compromising your spirit.
Men and women wana settle down at different times really. Girls wana settle down early and tend to be unhappy without a love interest. Whereas most dudes are the opposite. Doesn't make them bad people for not wanting to be tied down
ReplyDeleteRe dating people in the friend zone: DANGER!!
this was an awesome post!!
ReplyDeleteDon't know if I can really agree with the title. I wouldn't say there is a Drought, but I do think there is a shift that seems to have the effect of less compatibility with the sexes today along with impatience and rebelliousness. I think it's based on the difference in standards for both sexes. I do think number 1 and 2 are good points as I'd imagine you do want your ideal partner to be a lover and friend(atleast I know I do), and I think the relationship is stronger if both parties have invested themselves in each other, so may not just want to walk away that easy.(If they do it's probably a good thing as they may not be worth it and are probably quick to throw in the towel, which is very risky in itself if things get really serious.) At the same time however many men can be just as guilty. It's risky though experimenting with friends however, because you are putting that relationship in danger if not ending it, but at the same time you could be with someone who knows the good, the bad, and the ugly and still wants to be there. You can be yourself and not worry about insecurities, but speaking from experience if it ends sour it could be one of the hardest relationships to get over, but I would never discourage anyone from going for it. I must agree with the 2nd Anonymous post. There are risks involved with going that route.
ReplyDeleteI don't unerstand why there is an emphasis on knowing lots of good potential partners. I was under the impression that I should be searching for 1 good woman who I'm compatible with, matches what I need (intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually) and I won't end up divorcing or driving me crazy. Now all of this won't come easily as it requires work, and you will never know until you get to know the person if they hold all these traits. (*some of the easisest people to findout all of this from are some of these 'friend zone' buddies) And if that's the case, it don't matter how many good women I know, I only need the 1.
As for working on a partner, I do believe I myself am a work in progress (a number 2) just like many men today who are desperately trying to raise their levels. But speaking as a 'good man' (I do believe I am a good man, although based on some of the stuff I read these days many will differ) I think we need support not necessarily help, but 'support'. There is a difference. I'm curious though what the the forum's definition is of a 'good man'. I think the problem is many are trying to better themselves in the areas that are really not priority.
As for point 3 I can't say I understand. Because I personally find it just as hard to find a woman that meets my standards. If it were the case that men felt there were lots of 'good women' I think some of them would settle down, unless they weren't good men to begin with. I know I wouldn't pass up on something good. Unless by good women/men, you mean attractive people, then there are and there will be plenty more to go around, but that doesn't mean there will be plenty meaningful/stable relationships. We've got to realise we live in a world where people have various starts and hangups in life so if you're waiting on the guy/woman that grew up in a stable, christian/islamic/jewish etc. home, with both parents and university degree, attractive with nice job, mortgage, car and so on and so on, then yeah you are limiting yourself, because in today's western society these people are becoming more and more uncommon, due to the levels of single parenting (and the problems that come with it), societies various and growing pressures, and the rat race for people trying to achieve these things. For me this calls a change to what some may see as a 'good' man or woman.
have we thought about women who have given these men a lot of chances. I mean we think of there's a good man in there even if his flaws are outlined clearly initially and they keep fuckin it up again and again. How a lady in this situation not gonna chill and wait for the perfect ready-made good man???
ReplyDeletemy contribution is simple just 'STANDARDS ARE SLIPPING'!.. Men are no longer willing to treat ladies as such and ladies are trying to be the modern day Marolyn Monroe (i.e katie price).
ReplyDeleteI also blame the decrease of worthy men solely on a society that have condoned 'the dawg' behaviour and willing to ostracise the female counterparts for re-enacting the same behaviours.
In this day and time - Wrong is no longer wrong but modern - In all honesty, I fear for my fellow ladies of today and women of tomorrow as the prospect of finding 'good, honest men' are slowly becoming 0 to none. And sadly good women are having to settle for less.
so, are there still good men at large?.. Yes
however, 'evil/untrustworthy/blood-seeking' men are presiding over.
I for one refuse to settle for less or lower my standards as my mother have instilled in me. In her words, 'she has created a Goddess, only fit for her Lordship'. so till then, I wait and watch -bearing in mind my Lordship is not one that is perfect, but one that is perfect for my imperfections.
It was all going so well until point 3 - at which point you lost your mind.
ReplyDeleteGood women are far from abundant. If you believe the opposite, you aren't a good women because you clearly don't know what it means to be one.
People don't know what they want. They claim they do - even listing the traits and ideals they seek. Then idiocy takes over and they make yet another stupid choice, and have the cheek to ask where all the good men/women went.
One thing I've noted over the years is that women who make poor choices are unattractive. If I see a woman with a guy that's clearly a waste of space, I don't think "if only I could sweep her off her feet and show her she doesn't have to settle for 'that'". I think "this woman is clearly an idiot - they deserve each other".
If you want to know where the good men are, start by being a good woman.
Giiiiiiiiirl *raises my hand in church-like manner*
ReplyDeleteNumber 1 hit me like a SLAP in the face. I know for a definite fact I've friend-zoned a LOT of good men in the past that could've made potentially great boyfriends.... right now however.... there are none. I'm yet to find a man who's perfect for me and seems to go hand in hand with who I am, if I ran across such a human being, then we could talk.
Number 2, I've never had a problem with, I love a good challenge of helping a man fix himself, it's lovely and it's what I do for 90% of the people I come across anyway, I'd be more than happy to do it for my man/potential man.
Lady VIP is right though, standards are seriously slipping and men are behaving like it's okay to NOT be gentlemen, NOT put in effort and care about things more than sex. Once this problem is fixed, there will be more man candidates.
xoxoxoxo
I agree with Andrewlb604, where are all the good women at? Therein lies the real question. Too often women take the moral high ground as though all the problems the face in relationships are man-inflicted and refuse to take responsibility for their failings. Questions like this so-called drought seem indicative of that to me. The reality however is that while good looking beautiful drop dead gorgeous women are pretty much a dime a dozen, good women are hard to find. Perhaps when the women decide to be good then they'll be found by good men as opposed to waste men.
ReplyDeleteThis topic gets brought up time and time again. I went to a seminar the other week "why cant successful black women find good black men"
ReplyDeleteI really am not sure if there is a "good man drought". Most women don't have any trouble meeting men whether its at work, the gym, raving, thru friends etc....However how many of the men we meet are we attracted to? That's not to say they are not attractive.
Someone may be good on paper but are they good for you/us. They could meet all your tick box criteria and you have zero chemistry..hence why they get put in the friends zone.
Perhaps men and women have unrealistic expectations, they are looking for perfection when this doesn't exist. Or list all the things they want but are not bringing anything to the table themselves.
Good is subjective maybe you could do a blog on what makes a good man/woman? :))
I agree with many of the points mentioned (ie where are the good women, nevermind men! and unrealistic expectations) but what I'm noticing is that people seem intent on pursuing relationships for primarily what they can get out of it (sex, affirmations, completion - pah! Lemme not get started on the better half bologna) - and it's those people that go through the meet-up/make-out/break-up cycle because at the core of their motive is, well, selfishness.
ReplyDeleteI believe the pursuit of a partner starts with establishing their purpose. If it's a life partner such an individual isn't produced overnight (because they'll be in it forever and day) and it's the sum total of timing + maturity (on both sides) + compatibility which will eventually equal to hooking up and being with 'The One'. Not an easy combination (or one for the impatient lol), but very possible.