If engaged in a discussion with a group of single women, the chances are someone will mention the lack of good men on the market. Theoretically such conversations should have stopped a long time ago. When you take into account the number of lesbians and women who’ve decided to dedicate their lives to their cat/vibrator/career/all the above, you’d think there’d be enough good men to go around. Alas it’s not the case. Apparently like good weaves and polar bears, good men are facing extinction and it's not on the list of the U.N's priorities.
The fact I’m single and know many women who shouldn’t be single, means I should believe there’s a drought of good men. Instead I think it’s propaganda. The problem is whenever I debate this topic some antagonist will pipe up and say…..
‘Christiana if there are really loads of good men and it’s all propaganda, where are they?’
A question that irks me because the inquirant knows I have no idea where all the good men are. If I knew I’d own a hugely successful dating agency and become so rich I’d be able to blow my nose on £20 notes.
Sidebar: Alongside tugging Prince Charles’ ears, blowing my nose on £20 notes is a crude fantasy of mine.
I don’t even have enough ‘destitute woman finally finds true love’ anecdotes to share. All the stories I’m being told are evidence the only thing the average woman has to look forward to is a mediocre man with emotional baggage that rivals Lindsay Lohan’s.
Despite the fact I can’t find sufficient empirical evidence to the contrary, I still believe there are many good men out there. There is no drought. There are simply 3 factors at work that cause a lot of good men to go undetected. As this blog is a space to share theories that would otherwise bounce around my head…
Factors causing Good Men to go undetected
1) We place too many men in the ‘Just Friends’ category
Every month without fail a family member or friend will remark that a male friend of mine and I would make the perfect couple. My mum regularly walks into my bedroom and says
‘Why don’t you marry (insert name of the friend that takes her fancy that day)?’
Sidebar: Is it just my mum that leaps to talk of marriage and grandchildren forgetting that a first date hasn’t been arranged?
My aunt recently met a good friend of mine who has a girlfriend and said…
‘You mean to tell me you had that man within your reach and you let her have him? My God we need to enter serious fasting and prayer for you because you have NO sense’ * She sticks up her middle finger, gives me a dirty look, kisses her teeth and shakes her head. Simultaneously *
Sidebar: I think I need to do a blog post dedicated to my aunt.
Imagine a woman listed all the (straight) men she considers ‘just friends’ and wrote down their credentials. If she had read that list before meeting any of those men, she'd consider most of them boyfriend material. The problem isn’t the lack of good men, the problem is we’ve ‘friend zoned’ too many.
2) They’re overlooked because they’re ‘Good Men in the making’
When it comes to picking men many women have an anti-Ikea ethos. We don’t want men who we have to assemble or need to be fixed. We want a ready assembled piece of greatness. The finished article. Such an attitude isn’t selfish, it’s pragmatic. It’s cumbersome enough trying to build your own life, without picking a man that needs to be built too. However any ‘good man’ has become the man he is because someone along the way decided to invest in him.
I'm not advocating women picking men that need to be ‘fixed’. We do enough of that. What I do think is we need to be less brutal with our sieving process. There are good men out there, but too many of us are obsessed with inconsequential flaws and are unable to see them for the men they could be. We label them ‘not good enough’ rather than ‘making moves towards being good enough’.
3) There are 'too many' good women
People often say it’s the ‘hoes’ and women who lack scruple that make it hard for ‘good women’. I disagree. Good women (unintentionally) make it harder for good women. The quality and quantity of good women is so high, there isn't a real incentive for men to retire from bachelorhood. On the other hand if the general perception was good women were becoming extinct , I think the 'good men' would be more inclined to put themselves out there.
Sidebar: See ‘The Average Chick theory’ a post, which explores the idea that a woman excelling is to her detriment.
Those are the 3 factors that I think have contributed to the incorrect perception that there’s a lack of good men. What are your thoughts? Am I right? Are there any more factors? Or am I being optimistic?