Before I start today’s blog post I’d like to say congratulations to Kahmila and Joanna who are the winners of the ‘Bitch is the New Black’ competition. I hope you both enjoy the book as much as I did!
Right! Today’s topic…
I must learn to stop talking to strangers. Seriously! All too often I find myself engrossed in deep conversation with people who could easily be concealing deadly weapons. We all know London isn’t the safest place on earth so it’s not exactly wise to speak at length with just anyone. The problem is I’m a sucker for a good conversation.
For instance, the other night I went out with some of my girlfriend’s. During the course of the evening we were approached by two men that looked vaguely familiar (as in Facebook/Twitter/perhaps you were on a TV show familiar). By the time I figured out they were strangers (emphasis on the strange) it was too late to escape.
Sidebar: Technically it wasn’t too late but my friends and I had (foolishly) accepted a round of drinks. I’m trying to break myself from the bondage of being that woman that loves free things so much she can be enticed by them. I’m failing.
Despite the men being strange(rs) we soon found we had a few things to talk about. Unfortunately despite how nice people may be they can never resist the temptation to draw conclusions on others based on a limited interaction. One of the men had the gall to turn around to my friend and say…..
‘I’d be very shocked if you’re married by 35’
At that moment my heart sank as I realised he'd uttered a statement that could potentially cost him a testicle. You see the worse thing you can tell an unhappily single woman (who’s tottering over the line between sanity and insanity) is she’s not getting married for another 7 years.
Convinced that my friend was soon going to duplicate the angry black woman stereotype the media seems enamoured with, I began looking around for an exit I could escort her through with minimal embarrassment .Yet much to my surprise all she did was laugh and say….
‘Why do you think that?’
The man then launched into what my friends and I have now dubbed ‘The Average Chick Theory’. I don’t agree with it. I despise it. I think the theory is flawed, archaic, simplistic and borderline chauvinistic. There’s something about the term ‘average’ that riles me up and I think when this man uses the word average he’s unintentionally using the wrong adjective. The word he’s looking for is docile.
Moreover I refuse to believe the majority of men are this unsophisticated and that the theory reflects their thinking. Nevertheless his theory is an interesting one and he even managed to convince a few of my friends, so I thought I’d share it here.
The Average Chick Theory
‘Average chicks are easier for the male ego to cope with, so they’re snapped up quicker. If you all want to live happily ever after, learn to Be Average.’
That’s it.
According to this man, women don’t realise that being successful, ambitious, attractive and strong is a deadly combination. Apparently by being all these things at once women are acting as their own (long term) cock blockers. If you’re the type of woman that wants to settle down whilst your womb is usable and before you need anti-aging serum, the best bet is to ‘Be Average’. You can’t have it all or even give the impression you’re in pursuit of having it all. Why?
On a basic level there’s a cruel numbers game at work. As we know already there are more women than men. No matter what category a woman is in, whether it’s 'above average', 'average' or ‘procreate with her at your peril’, the demand for men will always outstrip the supply of men. This general numerical disadvantage is worsened when a women is above average because two things occur….
1) The pool of available men decreases further
2) She faces fiercer (and more unscrupulous) competition when trying to bag a man in her league
Now in light 1 + 2 you’d think for a woman who is ‘above average’, focusing on staying that way is a good thing? Apparently not.
The man went on to use a rather crude car analogy to illustrate why this isn’t the case. Apparently women who have it all are akin to luxury cars. Every man would love one, but few men can afford to attain and maintain one. Consequently average women/cars will always be in higher demand and more likely to be purchased. A man may take a luxury car for a spin, but it doesn't mean he's buying! More problematically, the type of man that can afford a luxury car/woman is unlikely to want just one. As he can have more, human nature dictates he’s probably going to want more. Hence why rich successful men have a propensity for cheating on their seemingly perfect wives.
Average women always win in the long term not only because they're in higher demand but crucially because they know they’re average. As such they rarely have delusions of grandeur, are more willing to compromise, set the bar lower and therefore have more options. Whereas women deemed 'above average' have a habit of setting the bar at a point most men can’t reach.
The man ended his misogynistic lecture with the words….
‘I mean you’re all on the right track for having a great life but just know it’s probably going to be a lonely one. Regardless of your gender success is an isolating factor. But it’s far worse for women than men. Sometimes being average isn’t so bad....’
How comforting.
Now although anecdotal evidence suggests successful women are more likely to be single, I refuse to attribute the reason to this theory. I’m even contemplating writing a rebuttal! In the meantime I want all your views (especially some male perspective). Is he right? Are women better off adopting the ‘Be Average’ mantra? Or is there some other cause behind this effect? Weigh in and let me know your thoughts!
Christiana
xxx
I won't hasten to say that the guys you encountered had probably been a litte bit hard-done by women in the past. But really, the truth is there are many successful more-than-average women who are happily married or are with someone. I also believe there are equally many 'average' women who are still single! I think part of the problem is perception, and the problem may also be men. As soon as they perceive that a chick is a bit of a high-flyer or 'more-than-average', they automatically assume she won't make a good partner. It's a form of social conditioning; where some men (mostly those who might lack a bit of confidence, or are themselves average)almost belive that in a relationship, a man should be one step ahead of the woman! On the whole, there's no formula. Isn't it better to just assume that success will attract success? And mediocrity will attract likewise? I will admit that relationships where the woman is much more successful than her partner could possibly have more challenges - especially with some cultures.
ReplyDeleteThe premise of the 'strangers' lecture is probably flawed. Also, what is the definition of being average and/success'? Is average: quite happy to sit at hope, cook, clean and make babies? or is successs : great high flying
career, plenty of money and celebrity to boot? Depends on who you ask.
Going with Rolsx question, what exactly is average?
ReplyDeleteEverything he said is 10o% true... if you're an average guy!
ReplyDeleteEverything he said is flawed. Exceptional women attract exceptional men, and there is no shortage of men, you are probably looking in the wrong places. The weird thing is that alot of these 'successful' women aren't even dating and/or have never had a boyfriend..... and these women are in their 20s. You can't except a man to pop out from a tree and automatically become your prince charming, it starts when you are young and you have to develop these relationships as you get older.
ReplyDeleteSo what these men are saying is that successfull, beautiful, intelligent women with immaculate hygiene and social skills, should lower their standards to supposedly increase their marriage prospects?
Children of god were born to shine. Should Jesus have told less stories and performed less miracles because his greatness was intimidating??? Should Naomi Campbell wear a velour tracksuit and over-relax her hair so that she is less beautiful, and more average? Should Barack Obama have dropped out of Harvard, in case his intelligence intimidated people? Should Beyonce have put on weight to look like precious, so that her body was more average? Should I have got all D's for my GCSE and A-levels in order to increase my marriage prospects...lol....really??
I think that these guys are cock-blocking you from greatness. Men who are intimidated by beautiful, intelligent and abitious women... should step asside and let the real men take the baton. This 'average chic' theory is ghetto mentality.
Really great post, I was almost swayed by him until forcing myself to snap out of it! If his theory is true, we may aswell give up and 'settle'. Settling is another word that also begins with a 's'. I'd rather be above average, ambitious and content, not having to change/comprimise myself- and wait for the man who wants me enough to persue-the good old fashioned way. He almost had me there- but I'd be insulting men and the God who created them, if I thought all men were as small-minded as that.
ReplyDelete@SP couldn't have put it better myself
ReplyDeleteAn average chick would bore and frustrate me. Never had an average chick, never will. Why would you want 2+1 instead of 2+2? Only thing with excellent women is the assumption that when something bothers you it automatically must be down to their success, which at least for me is literally never the case... but that wears out ; D
ReplyDeleteInteresting! well I would agree with the man only at 30% of what he said. most people are asking what is average? I'll ask what is successful. if professional you are successful but still single does it really makes you successful? or does the average woman with average job or career and with a good marriage is the one who's successful!?
ReplyDeleteOften women who's successful forget that she's a woman and need to act like one instead of acting like a man (Not talking of all successful one here).
Now I'm just debating here don't hold anything against me (now a days we have to say disclaimer or people will judge you on what you saying).
Just a very rough picture of what I'm thinking.. I'm typing quick and there is no way I can explain everything I'm thinking properly without writing and essay so here it goes, I hope you get the gist..
ReplyDeleteI don't think they were being nasty, in fact I can see a point, but you will only see this if you are reasonable and to want to see it. What they were saying naively is that if a woman puts herself on a pedastal she is more likely to crush a guy's balls, and no guy wants that. I think it's important the way the woman views herself and what she projects, so I disagree in their impression that succesful women need to be bought or are even high maintenance. But what they are rightly picking up on is the extra independance, abundance and invicibility success brings to us girls- which traditionally speaking can put guys off a woman (if we are looking at this from pre-historic genotype perspective) as men are supposed to be our providers, protectors, fitter, stronger.. etc. So the part of the point they are making which I am agreeing with is that succesful women are more likely to have traits which will completely repell men within meaninful relationship (speaking from personal experience, I and my ex finished just because of the reason that he couldn't handle my competency) but where I agree with a previous post is that on the guy's part they do seem to be also relatively average to JUST ACCEPT that theory. (I give them points for coming up with it, but it doesn't take away the fact that they are just happy to keep it that way.)
I think all in all, it's important for a woman to maintain her FEMINITY which is so vulnerable to outside factors such as SUCCESS as pointed out by the guys and other factors such as SOCIAL etc. and that she (woman) CAN choose a partner above her weight ( to be on the safe side) in regards to success while remember that success is measured individually.. success is not only career.. so that she CAN be a lady and the "fragile" flower that is so cherished and looked after by her bloke.. after all don't blame me.. it's all in the genes baby.
Keep and open mind people, that's how true knowledge is gained. Don't dispel a theory without truly disecting it.
That guy you girls unfortunately spoke to is a flaming douchebag and should be shot on sight. I'm currently too angry to type anything else. I'll be back in a couple hours when I've calmed down enough to write a more intelligent comment.
ReplyDeleteI feel what he's saying is partly true, but there is no way any woman has to adapt a certain attitude in order to find a man.. the RIGHT man will love every single aspect of his woman's spectacular self.
ReplyDeleteI love ur posts Christiana...they're always brimming with perspective, thats original and interesting to boot. I agree with what Vyra and Rolsx said.Which brings to mind the wisdom behind this poem by Marianne Williamson:
ReplyDeleteOur Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
so yeah bottomline is whether ure male or female the same principle applies. Average by the way is subjective. If one is talking about looks only, there is fallacy in judging because you cannot discount personality as cliche as that may sound.
Any theory that compares a woman who is a human being of equal worth to a man with a car is already flawed and totally biased. It's the kind of view that caused feminism to be born because it is patronising and patriarchal and views women impersonally as mere objects not people.
ReplyDeleteI asked the question "what is average?" as well. What does that mean? These guys are advocating a woman should be less ambitious and less successful? Are they unaware that a totally self sufficient and successful woman is still a woman and with her feminity and is not trying to be a man?
I think the deeper issue here is in this day and age where women are more career driven, men are being forced to take a look at traditional definitions of masculinity. I mean when a woman seems to be able to do it all herself i.e be a provider etc etc it has caused men to face ourselves and possible deep-seated insecurities that lurk in the shadows.
It's a different world and men need to adjust and step up.
I agree with the last point made by Karl Nova... I think that men need to adjust to the successful over-average woman of 2010, even if she is nothing like you have experienced before.
ReplyDeleteThese days alot of guys say 'I would never wifey a girl that can't cook' lol lol lol. My response is: why should your girlfriend/wife cook for you when you bring nothing to the table? She already earns more than you and has more earning potential than you, so why will she then turn around and cook for you? Where is the motive? I certaintly won't be cooking for anyone (but myself) after a long day in the office... when I am a lawyer...lol.
This is just another tactic used to belittle women who are successful and beautiful and do not NEED a man, because they have their business taken care of.
I agree than alot of men need to step up; instead of buying a (fake?) gucci/louis vuitton hat.... why not invest in some language lessons...maybe Portugese or Mandarin? Instead of reading some trashy magazine why not the Economist/FT? Instead of popping bottles in the cluuuurrrb.... why not invest that money in shares?
So women have to be average in order to bag a man? Riight. clearly the men that came up with this theory are average men. it is a highly faulty argument. What is the definition of average? What about 'average' men? Why should women keep caressing men's egos? I think that one of reasons why these men came up with the theory is due to the fact that they have been turned down by above average women and have therefore launched an attack on them to make themselves (said men) feel better.
ReplyDeleteWomen have 'up-ed' their game. there are so many women out there who speak more than 1 language. i really can't say the same for men. you find women daring to be different, while men are comfortable with what i think is mediocrity (but they think 'gifted and talented'
ok, i'm rambling on because i feel passionate about topics such as this.
On that note, i would like to pour little liquor out for the 'above average' girl. they have killed you with their words and even girls like you have toned down their 'awesome-ness'. sigh.
I can see his point and i see it demonstrated everyday, just go to westfields or oxford street for an afternoon and you'll see the same thing, highly attractive, well groomed and well paid (well from his clothes anyway) guys with average women who is obviously not quite matching up in any departments. I do believe this is akin to guys dating younger women/girls or even finding a woman from a different cultural upbringing than those brought up in London or other western countries. It is down to the dynamic of the relationship, some guys feel the need to be the leader or the head of the relationship and this is attained by getting a woman who is average so he has the physical or fiscal advantage over her therefore it is almost a guarentee that she can't leave him as she may never get better and she is almost obliged to do anything for him to secure the relationship. I don't think he is being crass or unrealistic it is a fact that some guys think like this. this by no means suggest that there aren't guys willing to strive for better.
ReplyDeleteIts sad that guys actually do think like this. I aspire to be an above average chick. If i have to be single forever then ok. I refuse to diminish my self worth for any guy
ReplyDeletehttp://www.somepeoplehaverealproblems-vanity.blogspot.com/
Woooow! So many responses! First thanks to everyone who has commented thus far! I will admit the guys perspective is one-dimensional as the comments on this post and the tweets I've received illustrate. I'm going to do a rebuttal post within the next week, where I address all the issues you all have commented on and my own personal grievances ! Also I do think the random man may have stumbled on a couple of truths that I'm going to attempt to unpack and expound upon. So stay tuned for part two!
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
Christiana xxx
This is true...I know this...I have lived it. My advice is well...I dont have one. I think he is right though...sigh...its sad...but true...I think.
ReplyDeleteLike attracts like if you want an "average chick" then you are either average yourself or are lacking in the confidence to deal with an above average chick.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a confident self assured above average man is going to want to deal with a woman not on his level therefore he will not want an average chick, he will want to be matched in all areas. :))
Hmm, this theory IS probably true ... BUT I don't believe that you should dim yourself for anyone! If someone can't accept your success, maybe you shouldn't have them around you. We should surroud ourselves bring out the very best in us - no? If you succumb to average when you know you can be better, won't you wake up one day full of regret and resentment? I say if you can shine, they shine ... and brightly! The guy that's not blinded is the one that's worthy of you (as arrogant as that phrasing may come across)!
ReplyDelete