Before I start with today’s entry, I just wanted to mention that yesterday I was featured in the ‘Blog Off’ column, in The Sunday Times’ Style Magazine! Click here for a picture or here for a link.
Good times : )
Right! Last week someone wrote this comment in the shoutbox
"xtiana do you have any advice on how as a woman I (can) get a guy I am interested in to be more than just friends. I need help haha seriously”
The question of ‘how to attract the man you want’ is one that has plagued women for decades (I’d say centuries but my History knowledge is limited). Almost weekly I get an email asking me this very question! Thus far I’ve been reluctant to attempt to write a blog entry on it because…
1) The little part of me that’s a feminist wouldn’t allow me to. I think us women spend a disproportionate amount of our time worrying about whether what we project is what people (well men) perceive as attractive. Consequently our self-esteem and sense of identity is often wrapped up in what others think of us, not what we believe about ourselves. Part of me believed that by writing a blog entry on this subject I would be perpetuating another (more serious) problem rather than solving the question being asked.
2) Writing this post would imply that I think I'm some sort of authority on attracting men. I can assure you I’m not and do not believe I am. My ‘man history’ (is that the correct term?) is littered with idiots, if anything my advice should be discarded.
3) I think it’s a myopic question. Attracting a man (whether by internal or external beauty) doesn’t mean much. It’s keeping him that matters! If I’d figured out ‘how to keep a man’ I’d be a millionaire not a (recovering) shopaholic avoiding her bank statements (Screw you Santander).
Nevertheless I am going to make a genuine attempt to answer this question.
I contemplated asking for my mother’s opinion and input on this blog post. But then I realised her advice would be far too tactless.
Sidebar: She recently said to me "All the time you’ve spend time spent blogging, if you were focused you would have found a good husband by now and moved out. I need that spare room".
Since my mum would probably only get involved in this post if I paid her (cash, phone cards, facials and doing the cooking are her currency of choice) I thought I’d attempt to write this entry by drawing inspiration from the sprit of my mother and other matriarchs I admire. I also have many friends (current and former) who manage to effortlessly attract calibre men. So I thought I’d attempt to give 5 practical steps based on what I’ve observed them do!
Sidebar: Some women desire felons whose only accessory is an electronic tag, whilst others believe a millionaire is the standard. I realise the 'calibre man' is a relative construct and we all want to attract something slightly different. Therefore I've made the post as generic as possible!
5 Ways to 'Attract' A Man....
(I’d like to reiterate this is a post about attracting, not keeping a man!)
1) Look Good
I remember years ago (I was about 10 or so) and my mum taking aside a young woman, then telling her to lose weight, take better care of herself, put on her pancake (her term for makeup) otherwise she'd never find a husband. I remember dying inside from the sheer embarrassment and thinking that she should have said nothing! In hindsight I realise my mum was right and did that woman a favour.
Taking care of how you look externally is crucial to attracting men. Having a sense of pride and confidence in ones appearance is a component of having a healthy relationship with yourself in general. I don’t even think women should do it for men; we should do it for ourselves!
The bottom line is ‘looking good’ doesn't require that much effort. It all boils down to 4 Steps…
1) Maintaining a healthy weight
2) Neat hair & eyebrows
3) Wearing nice clothes that suit your physique
4) Good hygiene
2) Be friendly and courteous
How many women miss this? Just smile for crying out loud! Even if he's not your type and looks like a cross between a donkey & iguana he's human too (I hope) and deserves respect.
In times gone past I know I’ve unintentionally radiated ‘uber bitch’. And although being an uber bitch can come in handy, when trying to attract men it's probably the worst thing you can be.
3) Be unafraid to Stand (or go out) alone
Women in massive groups = turn off.
Women in pairs = Gives the impression that one (or both) of the women are in a relationship and someone’s acting as a buffer.
Women standing/sitting alone = Wide open (metaphorically speaking lol!)
80% of the time I'm approached by a man, it's because I'm on my stiletto break
Sidebar: Stiletto break = Part of the night when I sit down to ensure my criminally high heels don’t put me in a wheelchair.
After realising that every time I'm alone I get chatted up I did a bit of research and it turns out a woman flying solo exudes a certain confidence and is more likely to attract men.
(I’m lying. I’ve done no research, I’m just trying to add some reliability to my theory)
That being said the type of woman fearless enough to go out alone, without back up, is the type of women unafraid to approach a man herself…. (whole other blog entry).
Drop the clique (nights out with big groups of women always end up engulfed in petty politics anyway). Go out alone (do steps 1+2) and watch them flock.
4) Have something (but not too much) to say
I think as women we’re socialised into (overly) understating our intelligence or acting like ‘Barbie’s’ that behave in a coquettish manner. Both become boring (very quickly). A woman must be able to conduct a decent conversation. Contrarily (as I’ve been warned too many times) she mustn’t seem overbearing or unnecessarily argumentative.
5) Don’t act desperate
Desperate, needy, thirsty women who offer themselves on a plate to anyone that appears to have an XY Chromosome lose (in the short and long run). Doing 1-4 yet (ironically) being completely indifferent to whether they work is the secret ingredient that too many of us miss.
So there it is…my list!
Your thoughts please : ) Especially the men reading, anything I’ve missed?!