Monday, 17 May 2010

How to 'Attract' A Man....?

Happy Monday!

Before I start with today’s entry, I just wanted to mention that yesterday I was featured in the ‘Blog Off’ column, in The Sunday Times’ Style Magazine! Click here for a picture or here for a link.

Good times : )

Right! Last week someone wrote this comment in the shoutbox
"xtiana do you have any advice on how as a woman I (can) get a guy I am interested in to be more than just friends. I need help haha seriously”

The question of ‘how to attract the man you want’ is one that has plagued women for decades (I’d say centuries but my History knowledge is limited). Almost weekly I get an email asking me this very question! Thus far I’ve been reluctant to attempt to write a blog entry on it because…

1) The little part of me that’s a feminist wouldn’t allow me to. I think us women spend a disproportionate amount of our time worrying about whether what we project is what people (well men) perceive as attractive. Consequently our self-esteem and sense of identity is often wrapped up in what others think of us, not what we believe about ourselves. Part of me believed that by writing a blog entry on this subject I would be perpetuating another (more serious) problem rather than solving the question being asked.

2) Writing this post would imply that I think I'm some sort of authority on attracting men. I can assure you I’m not and do not believe I am. My ‘man history’ (is that the correct term?) is littered with idiots, if anything my advice should be discarded.

3) I think it’s a myopic question. Attracting a man (whether by internal or external beauty) doesn’t mean much. It’s keeping him that matters! If I’d figured out ‘how to keep a man’ I’d be a millionaire not a (recovering) shopaholic avoiding her bank statements (Screw you Santander).

Nevertheless I am going to make a genuine attempt to answer this question.

I contemplated asking for my mother’s opinion and input on this blog post. But then I realised her advice would be far too tactless.

Sidebar: She recently said to me "All the time you’ve spend time spent blogging, if you were focused you would have found a good husband by now and moved out. I need that spare room".

Since my mum would probably only get involved in this post if I paid her (cash, phone cards, facials and doing the cooking are her currency of choice) I thought I’d attempt to write this entry by drawing inspiration from the sprit of my mother and other matriarchs I admire. I also have many friends (current and former) who manage to effortlessly attract calibre men. So I thought I’d attempt to give 5 practical steps based on what I’ve observed them do!

Sidebar: Some women desire felons whose only accessory is an electronic tag, whilst others believe a millionaire is the standard. I realise the 'calibre man' is a relative construct and we all want to attract something slightly different. Therefore I've made the post as generic as possible!

5 Ways to 'Attract' A Man....

(I’d like to reiterate this is a post about attracting, not keeping a man!)

1) Look Good

I remember years ago (I was about 10 or so) and my mum taking aside a young woman, then telling her to lose weight, take better care of herself, put on her pancake (her term for makeup) otherwise she'd never find a husband. I remember dying inside from the sheer embarrassment and thinking that she should have said nothing! In hindsight I realise my mum was right and did that woman a favour.

Taking care of how you look externally is crucial to attracting men. Having a sense of pride and confidence in ones appearance is a component of having a healthy relationship with yourself in general. I don’t even think women should do it for men; we should do it for ourselves!

The bottom line is ‘looking good’ doesn't require that much effort. It all boils down to 4 Steps…

1) Maintaining a healthy weight
2) Neat hair & eyebrows
3) Wearing nice clothes that suit your physique
4) Good hygiene

2) Be friendly and courteous

How many women miss this? Just smile for crying out loud! Even if he's not your type and looks like a cross between a donkey & iguana he's human too (I hope) and deserves respect.

In times gone past I know I’ve unintentionally radiated ‘uber bitch’. And although being an uber bitch can come in handy, when trying to attract men it's probably the worst thing you can be.

3) Be unafraid to Stand (or go out) alone


Women in massive groups = turn off.

Women in pairs = Gives the impression that one (or both) of the women are in a relationship and someone’s acting as a buffer.

Women standing/sitting alone = Wide open (metaphorically speaking lol!)

80% of the time I'm approached by a man, it's because I'm on my stiletto break

Sidebar: Stiletto break = Part of the night when I sit down to ensure my criminally high heels don’t put me in a wheelchair.

After realising that every time I'm alone I get chatted up I did a bit of research and it turns out a woman flying solo exudes a certain confidence and is more likely to attract men.

(I’m lying. I’ve done no research, I’m just trying to add some reliability to my theory)

That being said the type of woman fearless enough to go out alone, without back up, is the type of women unafraid to approach a man herself…. (whole other blog entry).

I digress!

Drop the clique (nights out with big groups of women always end up engulfed in petty politics anyway). Go out alone (do steps 1+2) and watch them flock.

4) Have something (but not too much) to say

I think as women we’re socialised into (overly) understating our intelligence or acting like ‘Barbie’s’ that behave in a coquettish manner. Both become boring (very quickly). A woman must be able to conduct a decent conversation. Contrarily (as I’ve been warned too many times) she mustn’t seem overbearing or unnecessarily argumentative.

5) Don’t act desperate

Desperate, needy, thirsty women who offer themselves on a plate to anyone that appears to have an XY Chromosome lose (in the short and long run). Doing 1-4 yet (ironically) being completely indifferent to whether they work is the secret ingredient that too many of us miss.

So there it is…my list!

Your thoughts please : ) Especially the men reading, anything I’ve missed?!




  1. I thoroughly enjoyed this post! You made some very good points and that sidebar about your mum wanting the spare room...I DIED reading that LMFAO! I agree that looking good is important and maintaining a 'healthy weight', but what about naturally bigger women? This isn't a dig at your post but in society in general. I personally find it frustrating that in today's society, we have to look and weigh a certain way in order to attract men. *packs bags to relocate back to Ghana where everything makes sense*. LOL. What are your thoughts on this?

  2. After realising that every time I'm alone I get chatted up I did a bit of research and it turns out a woman flying solo exudes a certain confidence and is more likely to attract men.

    (I’m lying. I’ve done no research, I’m just trying to add some reliability to my theory)

    ********HAHAHAHAHA, this made me laugh out loud for a few minutes... ok seconds.... but damn it was funny******

    That being said the type of woman fearless enough to go out alone, without back up, is the type of women unafraid to approach a man herself…. (whole other blog entry).

    ***Oh my garrsshh... soooo true... I can go out alone confidently but I have never in my life (I'm 20) approachd a man... to like chat him up\ask him out/flirt whatever the term is. Nooooo, he has to approach me first.. yes yes yes write a blog about a beautiful, intelligent, second year law student (like moi) who is scared to walk up to a guy who is equally as good looking... I think it's because, mee, being the geek I was at school, rejected all the boys who approached me in my teens who I thought was 'waste', now somee of these sae boys have grown into intelligent young men... and I'm now scared of being rejected by them as some kind of... revenge... I have made this post all about meee...! I love your blog nonetheless, but let your love for Louboutins goooo... it's unhealthy. OHHH ANY EVERYBODY PRAY FOR ME I AM A LAW STUDENT IN NEED OF JESUS! thankyou xoxoxoxox

  3. And wear glitter. Men love glitter:-)

  4. AutomaticTLC17 May 2010 18:13

    I laughed hysterically at every single sidebar in this blog post.

    Anyway, I particularly agree with #3. Not only does it show you have the confidence to stand alone, but it also eliminates the awkwardness of someone interrupting you having a good time (or discussing petty politics) with your group of friends.

    In one episode of the Tyra show, Crazy Ass Banks said she goes out alone all the time. Especially to eat. We all see the beautiful confidence level in her.

  5. Well written and made a good read! Thank You!

    I guess it's just right that you blog on "how to keep a man"

    Will be patiently waiting :)

  6. Echoing Chioma,

    This is spot on and needs no further additional points...

    From a male perspective though, I think the TOP tip (after looking good in the first place!) is definitely "The flying solo siren". Im not sure about going out alone completely because then I may just think you're a "hype girl" that knows so many people that she can just roll out alone and link up whoever... me, a woman that knows too many people, and places on the social playing field for whatever reason, even if work related, isn't attractive... dudes don't like playing with the statistical "did he hit?" odds and ratios when a woman knows 80% of guys (and girls) in the club...

    "HIII HOW ARE YOU!?!?" (*KMT!!)

    ..but yea, that moment when you go to the bar by
    yourself, or sit down for a bit, is what most guys are waiting for. So if he's watching you all night and you're wondering, in between your battalion of five girlfriends why he hasnt approached you...thats probably why.

    I wanna point out that its not about a lack of confidence a guy doesnt want to break a set of five girls (although it takes alot), its just that it means you have to charm and woo FIVE girls at once and sometimes, you spend so much time impressing the friends, you lose focus and end up with the wrong number!!! (Dudes, I KNOW you can relate) ;-)

    Anyway, i'm sure ill have ALOT more to say about the "How to keep a man" post....

    Love the blog.


  7. women that dont seem like they are after a man are more attractive.

    Gota be on your own shit. I meet so many spineless women whos sole existence is to please a man. How sad

  8. Congrats on the Sunday Times mention Christiana! keep doing your thing girl. I always enjoy your posts because even though they are the same sort of convos I sometimes have with my friends, it's just refreshing to get a completely different perspective.

    As for this post, it's always gonna be a controversial topic, but I think u summarised it all well. #1 probs has to be the most important in my opinion because it's just amazing how a lot of guys' opinions are based on 'visual' stimuli. Dressing in clothes that accentuate our individual features will help attract the right sort of men. So I think as long as us women have that base covered, we should be in with a good chance :)

    I think the issue of confidence really comes down to being comfortable in your own skin. So it does necessarily have to come down to you being as skin as can be. Even 'naturally bigger' women mentioned by Stephanie above can attract a man over slimmer friends given the confidence factor! And even in cases of rejection, you can always comfort yourself with the fact that u took a chance and the experience should make u stronger in future situations.

    ahh! soz for the essay :| ... cant wait for the next post!

    Miss Mich

  9. Sister now you know I had to comment on this.
    First of all LMAO @ the "be friendly/courteous" point, for the simple fact that sometimes I forget to do this. Before the guy has even said hello my face is in "screwface" mode, this is usually accidental but I find it happens ESPECIALLY if I don't want them to approach me, however, more often than not once the "hello" is out I'll be more than friendly :o)
    Now, the not being afraid to fly solo bit, I completely agree. This is something I've had to learn to come to terms with and I have in fact found that I enjoy my own company, carrying a nice book to starbucks to sit and read on my own nowadays is a great afternoon for me...however even the thought of going to approach a guy takes me COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago even, there was a dude I seriously had my eye on as in all forms of common sense flew out the window. Instead of me to just go and talk to him and ask him a few questions, I, like the moron I am let everybody & their brother know I was interested, but I didn't say much to him myself except the odd joke here & there, a few comments and a few questions and that was where it ended. This is completely not who I am, me who finds it so easy to talk rubbish to ANYONE couldn't successfully form sentences around this guy...oh Lord *clicks my fingers 3 times around my head* but I sha digress.
    I personally believe, as long as a woman is not borderline obese or standardly sitting on the obese scale... then if she wears clothes that compliments herself and is at home in her own body [assuming because of a medical condition she's naturally boned] then what is the problem ?
    Confidence is the fragrance that males love to smell, if a lady loves herself that's where it starts. Dreams, self worth, intelligence and strong personality follows & all this is a big turn on for men.
    I'm a big believer in things being natural, once things become forced then it should be left alone in my opinion..if you're going through hellfire and back just to get someone's attention in the first place [especially the ladies] then I think you should just call it a day mate.
    This has been another thought poking blog post m'dear, as you know I love & I can't wait for the next one.

    This comment is turning into an essay

  10. Great blog post, even though I agree with what you said, I feel I am way too shy to approach a guy and if I do I would probably start speaking in french! I do also find that men approach me more when I am in my natural state I.e no make up and wearing laid back clothes....something to think about maybe... Xx

  11. My gudness this blog is well said, i totally agree with you...

  12. ama, Im going to have to boycott reading yr blogs at work!! I keep laughing and looking mad :(

    Keep it up though!