Thursday, 4 March 2010

He's Perfect....but

Whenever I speak to my female friends, acquaintances or even random strangers and they say ‘I’ve met someone’, naturally I’ve become accustomed to anticipate them saying….

‘He’s perfect…but…..’

And then comes some variant of the following statements….

He’s perfect….but he hasn’t worked for 4 years and lives in a shoe.

He’s perfect…but he has 7 kids with 4 women and quadruplets on the way.

He's perfect....but he's not really right for me

He’s perfect…. but he’s a conspicuous consumer has a land rover, but owns no land and lives a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money

He’s perfect …..but he’s married.

Ordinarily a man being married would be legitimate ground for the termination of a relationship. Even a sugar high toddler has the ability to decipher the relationship has as much chance of success as a Jedward neo-soul album. Sadly love/lust/great sex has the ability to inhibit sense.

So when I ask…..

‘Why are you staying when there are so many other/better men?’

Almost instinctively she will launch into a lengthy justification explaining how the relationship can potentially work. Even though deep down we both know she’s not trying to convince me, she’s trying to convince herself.

I don’t judge such women, because I have been that woman. In fact I genuinely believe most women over the age of 18 have been in a relationship where they have ignored their instincts and persisted, believing it can somehow work out. Yet in the end all they’ve done is capitulated, exchanging their self-esteem for a man that wasn’t good enough.

It seems too many women are tolerant towards the intolerable, yet intolerant towards the tolerable. How many of us have a strict height requirement? Or only go for men who look a certain way? Or drive a certain car? Yet the same level of pickiness rarely applies when examining a man’s character or values.

The frequency with which I come across amazing woman with men ‘who are perfect but… (insert reason that would normally be a deal breaker)’ is terrifying. What’s interesting is that there isn’t a ‘type’ of woman that’s attracted to ‘broken men’. You can’t stratify this phenomenon. It cuts across every boundary man uses to carve us up, whether it’s social class, race, education or level of income. Women all around the world are in situations where they are lying to themselves saying ‘he’s perfect…but…’

So why do we persist in inviting such men into our lives? The fact is if we took the time and looked carefully enough, we’d all discover contrary to the rumour there isn’t a ‘good men drought’. There are good men in abundance.

What’s even more bewildering is that women don’t seem to be talking about this issue. Sure we’ll berate men in open forums, jest about our habit for picking up ‘losers’ and sing man-hating R&B anthems at the top of our lungs. However we rarely probe what drives us to settle for less in the first place. And if we don’t probe the issue, how will we ever solve it?

In this era of post feminism, where we speak freely about bikini waxes and orgasms, it seems our freedom of speech is limited to the superficial. Despite our reputation for being emotional creatures, the need to be perceived as strong, means we’re unwilling to excavate emotions that make us seem vulnerable. Therefore a woman making a public admission of being attracted to broken men is rare.

So we continue to speak extensively about the minor things (weaves, make-up, clothes) but we skirt around life changing discussions.

Yet the truth is women that appear to have it all often don’t and are plagued with an ailment, that isn’t easy to cure. Admitting one has a thing for toxic men is an uncomfortable truth and in the short run it’s easier to avoid it. However this isn’t the movies, where women who persistently pick bad men, are suddenly swept off their feet by Prince Charming and live happily ever after.

This is real life.

Where the universe dictates that unless we decide to become captains of our own ship, things won’t magically change. Refusal to acknowledge or deal with the problem, means the cycle will only continue. And it’s a cycle Cupid can’t break; we have to do it for ourselves.



p.s If any of you are free on Friday evening and in London, come support a friend of mine Jay Brown. She’s a really talented singer/songwriter/musician, playing at a night called 'Bangers & Mash', at the Legion, 348 Old Street, Shoreditch. She’s on at 9pm and it’s £5 on the door. Please show your support and come down!!!


  1. No one is perfect, cause if he is perfect there will always be the word 'if and but', so for these reason there is NO PERFECTION NOWHERE. But the main thing we shouldn't rely on any of them. The 1 and only perfect is GOD and no one else!
    Great words btw!

    Bidemi xxxXXXXXxxxxx!

  2. I agree with Bidemi. No one is perfect...but there's sha someone thats perfect for US out there.
    I've also fallen into this category your talking about of "he's perfect...but..." and found reasons to make it work & hold on when my own peace of mind was on the line...of course it ended badly, but I learned what to know and avoid for the future.
    You're right, women do need to talk about this more, in doing so they can avoid falling into the same time every woman has to be burned by her "hes perfect...but" at some point, it's necessary, and unless the guy really is perfect for the person in question then she needs to find out what is a definite no-no so in future she stays away.


  3. I gotta say that your blog is definitely one of my favs to read. I really like your input on different topics. I think this one definitely hit home with me. Just wanted to say thanks for your inspirational writing. It's in a way a breath of fresh air.

    p.s. future topic: can guys and girls really be "just friends"

  4. Hey!

    @ Bidemi and @ Pookie thanks for your continued comments/support it's much appreciated!

    @Trouble, welcome aboard! Glad you enjoy my writing, thank you! I've actually covered that topic a while back! Here's the post

    Love and Light


  5. a personal favourite! xxx