Stuff the Duchess says

The Duchess is one of my favourite people in the world. She is beautiful, glamorous, fiercely intelligent, ambitious, incredibly funny, hard working, loving (to her detriment) and the epitome of a diva.

The Duchess is my mum.

The Duchess and I have quite an interesting relationship. In many ways it encompasses all the traits of a typical mother/daughter relationship. We love each other dearly and are as similar as we are different. If I were writing a piece for a magazine at this point I’d fill my word quota with the clichéd ‘she’s not just my mother, she's my best friend’. As true as that statement is, it doesn’t quite do us justice. She is one of my ‘best friends’ but our relationship transcends the limitations and fickleness of friendship.

She is my mum. And somehow she manages to do it perfectly.

In the year plus since I’ve had this blog, I’ve wanted to write about the classic things the Duchess says.

Things like…

‘You look really pretty today mum’

‘What do you mean I look pretty? I AM pretty?’

Or the scenario that occurs most frequently….

‘Wow. Don’t you look great’

To which she responds

‘I know!’

My mum’s effortless confidence has shown me that you must never be condescending (or disingenuously moderate) about yourself in order to make others feel comfortable. Sadly I’ve been placed under strict orders not to turn her (classic and far superior) rants into blog fodder. She regularly ends emotionally charged statements with

‘If you dare put me on that blob* of yours, you will regret your life’

* Yes she calls it a blob, not a blog.

Today I called the Duchess and informed her that I intended to write a blog entry dedicated to some of her musings. Fortunately I caught her in a good mood and she readily agreed (surprisingly she didn’t insist I pay her first).


Sidebar: When my mum’s in a good mood invariably she’ll do one of two things. Mid- conversation she may launch into a prayer of victory. Or she’ll sing one of two songs. An African Christian chorus that alludes to the fact that Jesus will beat up anyone who messes with her. Or Kanye West’s ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing’. That’s right my mother mashes up ‘ Na Na Na, Wait till I get my money right’ with ‘I have a very Big God Oh’…. * shakes head *

There is a chance that one of my mother’s spies will call to inform her that she’s made the ‘blob’. There’s also a chance that the Duchess will claim that our conversation this morning never happened and if I argue that it did she will say ….

‘Are you calling me a liar?’

A question she knows I’ll never answer because no matter how much I front, I’m a tincy wincy bit afraid of her. At that point I’ll have to yank this entry down.

Until then…

Stuff the Duchess says…

I saw your video on paying for dates. Nonsense. Any man that lets women take him out isn’t worth the money she spent on him. Even if he’s broke, let him show you he’s creative.

Marriages aren’t failing people. People fail at marriage, then they divorce, marry someone else and are shocked when they’re miserable.


My cousin and I are dressed up on our way out
‘Last time you girls went out did you meet any decent men…?’
• Awkward pause *
‘Not really’
‘Why?’
‘No one was our type!’
‘No the problem is you’re both practically half naked so there’s no mystery. Buy longer dresses’
• The Duchess cackles *

You’re better off getting on the bus with dignity, than prostituting yourself in a man’s Rolls Royce.

Even if you’re depressed put on some make up and get dressed up. The whole world doesn’t need to know your problems.

God is not your personal magician. Work hard.

You are free to live how you like. Just don’t forget you have a surname.

In response to my requests to sleep at my friend’s house as a child
Be content with your own bed.

Even if he doesn’t have much money give him a chance. No one knows tomorrow.

Be your own friend first.

Last time I went food shopping with my mum she called someone and said…
‘Matt. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. You know the deal.’
It turned out Matt is her fishmonger. She has his mobile number, gives him a Christmas card and always receives a near criminal discount.

It is an insult to invite someone to your house and then not feed them.

Ignore people that tell you money can’t make you happy. They don’t know how to shop.

To me (on a regular basis)
If you can’t cook what will your children do?
My response
‘I’ll get a maid’
Her response
‘Just make sure she’s old and not as good-looking as you. The same goes for your nanny’.


On Katie Price and Peter Andre
Peter is a good man. He would have been better marrying a woman from the village.

How she got her last upgrade
I suffer from claustrophobia. I want to sit in first class.

On every single pop star I’ve fancied
What church does he go to?

On hate crimes
Anybody that beats a man because he is (a) gay is evil and stupid.

Why waste your time explaining yourself to people that don’t get it?

On Beyonce marrying Jay-Z
I hope Beyonce’s husband has a good job, she’s worked very hard. God forbid any man messes her up * clicks her fingers to emphasise her point *

What she says to me regularly…
I love you. But hurry up and move out

When people ask her what she ‘uses’ to stay looking so young
I don't know I just look good.

Her attitude to body image
Always stay slim. There is no joy in fatness, believe me I’ve been there.

Her response to my last bust up
Friends come and go. But love God, stay close to him and you’ll be just fine.