Escaping 'Category C'!

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog entry called ‘Closing The Gap’. Read here.

Whilst reading the comments, one left by ggpoos aka Gracie, stuck out.

‘Okay, so I like steps in which to keep OUT of category C but any tips for those in Category c?? They're trying, but it just aint working....’

The moment I read Gracie’s comment, it got me thinking. What about category c?

A few days later a conversation with my mum (LOVE YOU DUCCHESS!) made me realise I had to write today’s post.

Our convo went a bit like this….

‘So in that blog post you wrote nothing to encourage people that are underachieving?’

‘Yeah cos there’s no point really, they’re going to stay how they are’

‘Who told you there’s no point? Who are you to believe that their destiny is hopeless? Even your friend’s crackhead uncle, who is to say his life can’t be changed? Didn’t we raise you to never give up on anyone? ’

At the time, I debated with my mum and defended my post. However much later (following an internal dialogue) I realised that my elitism had hindered me from writing a post that could potentially help those ‘category c’. More importantly, I remembered that on some level, we are all underachievers. The only thing that varies is the intensity of our underachievement.

So here it is, my tips for those in category c. When formulating these points, I found them personally useful because I’m (finally) taking steps to deal with my reckless spending. Maybe in 2010, I’ll finally be able to actually open my bank statements…… : )

Escaping Category C

1) Using ‘issues’ as a justification for under- achieving, has an expiration date. No one cares. There are thousands of people who have been through, ten times worse but dug deep and made something of themselves. Whatever ‘it’ is. Get over it. You must not be a slave to your past.

2) Learn to conquer yourself.

3)If you’re an uber wasteman/wastewoman very few people believe you will change. Ergo you must choose to believe in what no one else can see. Then make it a reality.

Things change when you care enough to grab whatever you love and give it everything.
Amanda Burr

4) We attract and are surrounded by people who are similar to us. If you’re waste, you’re friends are probably/most likely/definitely waste. You’re only as great as the resources you draw from: So Change your friends.


5) We often underachieve or fail, because we focus on our fears/past failures and attribute to them more power than they deserve. Fear is paralysing and if ruled by it, we will become stuck in state of inertia. Treat fear like the enemy.

6) It’s unlikely many have expectations of you. Set expectations for yourself.

If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else."
Yogi Berra

7) Relationships are the infrastructure of our lives, without them we are nothing. You’ve probably exploded more bridges than Al-Qaeda, so make an effort to repair and cultivate the relationships you’ve neglected.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

8) The word worry finds its root in the Middle English word “wyrgan”, which means to strangle. And that’s worries do, strangle us until we’re immobile. Try not to worry. It’s a wasteoftime.org.

9) Your many imperfections (and the awareness you possess them) is your secret weapon. There are so many successful people with limited self-awareness and an ability to acknowledge their shortcomings. You’re already a step ahead of them.

Lincoln: 'I've long since come to realise that a man with few vices has few virtues.

9) It sounds counter-intuitive but sometimes the ‘vision’ or our desired result can serve as distraction and hamper our drive if we feel we’re too far away. When you focus on the beauty the process, rather than the grandness of the vision, the results will come easier.


10) Never aim for a monetary figure. There are tons of underachieving rich folk. A big bank account means you’ll probably leave a huge inheritance. You’re trying to leave a legacy.

11) Every day look in the mirror and choose to see the person you will be and are becoming. It’s corny, in the way all those movies that push ‘clean’ American values are, but it’s a brilliant impulse for action.

Inside every block of stone or marble dwells a beautiful statue: one need only remove the excess material to reveal the work of art within
Michelangelo

12) Never forget. Although you have much to prove, you have even more to give.

"Come to the edge," He said. They said, "We are afraid." "Come to the edge," He said. They came. He pushed them...and they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire

13) Life is the accumulation of small decisions. One small, but powerful decision is to vow to love your weeds as much as your unblossomed roses.

14) Refuse to accept inconsequentiality and when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

15) Finally, always remember: ‘The secret of success is you simply outlast your critics’

Peace, Love and Process

The Understanding Movement

Happy Friday!

Firstly, apologies for my week long hiatus. I never intended to be ‘away’ for this long but issues I should have dealt with ages ago, all seemed to pop up at the same time! This fortnight I learnt that avoiding your problems is the best way of creating more problems. So if there’s anything you need to deal with, do it a.s.a.p or get a therapist!

On a slightly lighter note…today’s blog entry : )


If an individual’s success in the realm of friendship is judged according to their number of friends, I have failed woefully. I don’t have many friends. However, if success is judged according to the quality of friends, I’d come first in the Friend Olympics. I value each of my friends deeply. Without them, my life would be hollow and I’d be a frightful human being.

Of late my (female) friends and I have been doing a lot of self-examination. Not in the narcissistic and individualistic ‘me me me’ way that our culture shamelessly promotes. But in a ‘how can I be a better me to in order to help those I love most and do something substantial?’ way.

We're planning towards the next decade.

This involves writing down a clear vision (and then fleshing it out with step-by-step goals).

We’re also looking back at the past year.

Figuring out where we went wrong, what we did right and crucially how we can ensure the ignant stuff doesn’t repeat itself : )

Some of us have been examining a completely different dimension of our lives. Our love lives.


Sidebar: 'Love life' is a dated and annoying phrase, but I can’t think of an appropriate substitute. I’m convinced whoever coined it, was the type of person that licked car windows as a hobby.

All of my (female) friends have had an experience with a man that they wish they could delete from their memories (or delete him from the planet but we settled on Facebook). Traditionally when we recollected the demon-tale ‘he’ did everything wrong.

It’s typical relationship blame game politics. Many ‘cryptic’ Farcebook statuses are dedicated to this game…

‘Even though I gave u my heart u never appreciated it because u weren’t man enough for woman like me. But I’m glad I know how much of a boy you were, cos now I’m free and I know my strength’

Profound…. Not. It’s bat shit masquerading as philosophy.

The fact is, although it doesn’t fit the agenda the media like to promote and will never be the premise of a romantic comedy, women are as much to blame as men, for the failure of relationships.

Why? Well many of the conflicts women have with men, often emerge and are exacerbated because (to put it bluntly) most women don't understand men.

You might argue that the same logic applies to men. Of course it does. The crucial difference is, 90% of the men I know admit, they don’t understand women. Cue the phrase ‘she’s crazy’

But too many of the women I know ‘think they know but they have no idea’.

Sidebar: Maybe it’s the women I know. Apologies to the women who’ve taken the green/red/turquoise pill (I don’t watch films, hence the shoddy Matrix reference) and know better.

At a very basic level, both men and women, acknowledge that gender influences our behavior and perspective. Unfortunately, both genders, just leave it as an acknowledgement ,never bothering to attempt to really discover how the other gender thinks.

However! Because women are (naturally) insightful and have high(er) emotional intelligence (yes another generalisation, but qualifications would add another 1,000 words to this blog post) we often think our insight stretches to men.

This is problematic, because thinking you understand someone, when you actually haven’t got a clue is the quickest way to end up (eventually) hating them.

The idea that ‘women need to understand men more’ (and men need to understand women more) is not rocket science. Sadly, it’s the things that are staring us in the face, that we often spend the longest time searching for.

Missing the ‘obvious’ things makes the road to resolving a relationship conflict impossible. Heck it’s the equivalent of stepping on broken glass, after spending the whole night wearing 5inch heels, that eventually snapped!

FURIOUS SIDEBAR: That's right Zara I warned you I was going to call you out on my blog. The shoddy architecture of your shoe almost caused my paralysis and you had the audacity to offer me a £10 refund for shoes that cost me €85?! Screw you!

Apologies. I digressed slightly

Until recently, the idea that the way I gave advice to ‘him’, was emasculating rather than empowering, was a foreign concept. Then a (male) friend said ….

‘Christiana…You know if you keep speaking to men like that you’ll never get to use your ovaries’

After my annoyance subsided, I asked him to explain why. By the end of our conversation, I came away understanding the mechanics of how men thought in a way I never had before.

I didn’t really heed to my friend’s ‘stern’ talk until my dad’s reaction to the heelsgate incident reminded me.

I told my dad the story of the heels (obviously very distressed, I loved those shoes, they were my main bitches) and he responded with a grunt. Then in response to my * annoyed face * he said…

‘That’s why you should walk carefully and stop buying those tacky shoes’

Then he looked straight back at the TV and turned up the volume, in the way he always does when he wants me to shut up. I almost launched into a tirade (well tantrum) about his insensitivity and him not caring about the things that mattered to me.

Then I remembered.

My dad is not a woman. He is a man! Ergo I need to undergo a paradigm shift when relating to him!

The purpose of this blog post was never to attack women or suggest that we’re 100% to blame. I’m not into propaganda or ‘error’ as my late Grandfather (Rest in Peace) liked to put it.

I’m merely saying, that amidst all the advice/noise that is given to young women via self-help books, bitter mothers and wacky magazine columnists. Perhaps it’s time us women examined where we are going wrong. After all, all we ever seem to speak about are men’s shortcomings.

I think it would be great to be part of a movement that rejected the idea that men need to be ‘fixed’ by women.

They don’t need to be fixed. They just need to be understood.

Peace, Love and J

xxx

Closing The Gap

I am surrounded by people who have great minds and enviable talent. If I had to be as crude as the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact and divide them up, they would broadly fall into one of three categories.

Those who are…

a) Successful

And when I use the word successful I’m not referring to the vapid Drakian definition ‘money, cars, clothes, hoes’. I consider these friends/family members successful because, they’ve attained the ‘typical’ indicators of success, gone beyond the norm and they’re actively using their success to help others.

Sidebar: I was raised by a man who is a socialist to the core. Although he’s deeply disappointed that my love for luxury means I’m a self-proclaimed believer in ‘benevolent Capitalism’ the one thing I’ve pulled from his Marxist outbursts, is this. The pursuit of wealth must be coupled with a desire to use that wealth to create equality of opportunity. If you don’t believe this, you’re a bit of a devil * shrugs and smiles *

b) On the road towards success

Myself, most of my friends (and dare I say most people reading this) occupy this category. We’re in a rather exhausting transition period, where we’re attempting to dig the foundations to ensure future success. We are a work in progress, doing what we can to hopefully achieve something worthwhile.

c) Underachievers

We all know (at least) one underachiever. No real need to expound on this category. Just think of that person who blames everyone but themselves for their failings.

* Moves swiftly on *

After speaking to a friend about my observation he said…

‘Christiana unless there’s some sort of miracle those in category c, will stay there forever. They’re like my crack head uncle. Doomed’

Sidebar: He really does have a crack head uncle…. don’t laugh!

‘The peeps we know in category a, are so determined and focused, unless they start using crack, get a Kanye ego or marry a person that takes them to the cleaners. They’ll probably stay successful. The real question is…’

‘How do people like us in category b avoid slipping downwards into category c ?’

So we brainstormed. Asked around. Read a few biographies. Heck we even used Souljaboytellem as a case study.

After a while we realised what we were actually researching was what traits those in category a possessed, that the people in category c lacked and those in category b weren’t tapping into. We were researching 'how to close the gap'!

Here’s what we came up with.

Sidebar: As this list is in no way exhaustive, in the comments section your contributions to the list would be really appreciated!

How to move up to category a and avoid becoming a crack head uncle/aunty

1) If you believe your talent is all you need to make it, well you may as well as give up now. In the broad scheme of things, talent is inconsequential. No matter how brilliant you are,in the crazy race that's life, hard work always beats talent. Lesson: Develop the work ethic and hustle of a starving economic migrant.

The only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work hard for them.
Michelle Obama

2) Do not get distracted by your ‘competition’. Stay in your own lane and become a master of what you do.

The late Arthur Ashe put it this way…

You are never really playing an opponent. You are playing yourself, your own highest standards, and when you reach your limits, that is real joy’

3) Be Good to People. People go on about the ‘power of networking’ and it being all about ‘who you know’. Well duh! But be nice. No one voluntarily gives an asshole their big break. Treat everyone with respect and genuine kindness. If someone helps you out, make sure you return the favour or pay the favour forward.

4) Be relentless and persistent.

Continuous effort- not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential
Winston Churchill

5) Be habitually excellent. Like the first three Eminem albums. Not the fourth one, that was (relatively) crap. Or in the words of Aristotle

‘We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit’.

6) Don’t believe the hype. Quiet Confidence > Noise about hustling

7) Find a mentor in the field you seek to excel in. I don’t care how brilliant you are, we all need guidance and inspiration.

8) Believe in yourself. Small-minded people will call you arrogant and people with small dreams will call you bonkers. But so what?

You have to believe in the impossible
Will Smith

9) Be prepared to sacrifice but never sacrifice what you believe in. Opportunists, who sacrifice their values in order to achieve their dream, end up miserable.

10) Be fearless.

11) Surround yourself with people equally (if not more) determined than you are. In the words of a good friend, 'there are Angels and there are Waste Men’. However you rarely catch the two groups hanging around each other.

12) Be prepared to be criticised.

13) Don’t take yourself too seriously. An ironic addition considering the ‘seriousness’ of this post, but life is so unfair if you take yourself too seriously you may just jump off a building out of frustration. JustSaying.

14) Stay Positive.

15) Avoid Crack.


See you all Monday.

Peace, Love and Currency

xx

Bow Ties and Forgiveness

This morning someone called me from a private number. As you all know, unless it’s business, I try not to pick up (or use) my mobile phone. This fact has deeply vexed many of my nearest and dearest who have accused me of being anti-social. My response is to stop being so melodramatic. If phone calls are socialising, then Facebook poking is obviously heavy petting.

Although I’m not a fan of phone calls, in recent times I have come to like calls from private number. Simply because:

a) You avoid those awkward situations that arise when you’ve deleted (or never saved) someone’s number, they call you and you say ‘Sorry, who’s this?’

b) I love the fact it winds people up if I drop the phone, when they try and play the ‘guess who it is’ game. Life’s too short for guessing games (and guitar solos).

c) They tend to be from someone inviting me to a lastminute.com party. Fact of Life: lastminute.com parties tend to be million times better than those hyped up for months.


Anyway, to my surprise (and pleasure) on the other side of the line, was a long lost friend. Not the type of long lost friend, who happens to be so long, you deliberately lost them. No, the kind of friend that if you found out they were dead, had been incarcerated for weave trafficking or decided to become a Tory MP, you would be filled with deep feelings of regret and wish you’d done things differently.

Sidebar: Before I proceed I’d like to mention my long lost friend specifically requested I blog about him. And because I love him (nearly) as much as Nicholas Kirkwood shoes and the overpriced handbags I hide from my father, I obliged.

So we’re talking for about 45 minutes and suddenly he says…

‘Well I guessed you heard then..?’

‘Heard what?’

I respond, genuinely confused.com.

‘Oh don’t play silly, I know you must know. Everyone’s heard!’

At this point I had to give my friend a quick de-brief. In the last 2 years or so I’ve become uninterested in the personal lives of people that don’t concern me. Or as I said to my mum the last time she told me someone I haven’t see or spoken to for 15 years is pregnant ‘I really don’t care’. Some would argue my behaviour is symptomatic of the individualism rampant in our generation, I argue that I don’t want to fill my mind with information that doesn’t concern/better myself or my loved ones.

Apparently I’m caught up in my ‘own world’….

Sidebar: Whose world should I be caught up in, Beyonce’s??? The accusation that you’re caught up in your own world, is normally used by people who didn’t care how you were doing for years (and made no effort to inquire) then they got wind of some gossip and suddenly they are very interested in your well being.

Honestly? I’m trying (trying being the operative word!) to keep away from gossip and people that gossip because I don’t like what either bring out of my character.

Gossip makes people do very weird things. I can bet you a million pounds that there are people (women) that would rather trade an ovary, than never hear another word of gossip.

I digress.

My long lost friend is the talk of the town because (to cut a long story short) he effed up. Big time. He’ll have to deal with the implications of his actions and the effects they’ve had on those he loves for at least a decade (no hyperbole).

After he told me what he did, I will admit I screamed ‘YOU IDIOT’ (there was another word between you and idiot, but my mum has figured out how to find my blog unaided…Love you mum!) After speaking about the issue extensively and trying to offer some crisis PR tips, I reminded him that this whole debacle didn’t alter how much love I have for him. * Cringes at sappy moment *

Sadly, in aftermath of my friend’s Watergate, he has been abandoned by many of his family and friends. Heck people don’t even ‘Like’ his status on Facebook anymore. I think he feels a bit like Chris Brown or even worse, that spotted bow tie Chris Brown wore on Larry King Live * simultaneously shudders and weeps concerning crimes against the fashion community *

Granted, my friend is in the wrong. Kanye West ‘Ima let you finish’ wrong. Clinton and Lewinsky wrong. However I think everyone deserting him is drastic and hypocritical.

We’re weird things humans. Bottom line is every single person reading this has done something they are deeply ashamed of and if they could go back in time they’d change it. We all make mistakes and some of us have made a sequence of very big mistakes (code phrase for an illicit affair/series of bank robberies).

It’s very easy to wake up and find yourself in a situation where you think
‘How the HELL did I get here?’

And then you think to yourself when you’re back there two weeks later….

‘What the HELL am I still doing here?’

Fortunately enough for most of us, when we made our big mistakes we didn’t get caught. So no one knows. Apart from us, the other person and a Sony Handycam.

Yet despite the fact we’ve all got something to hide/we’re all hiding something from someone (if the last statement doesn’t apply to you have the right to start your own cult) we’re all a bit unforgiving. Actually let me speak for myself. I can say, hand on heart if I forgave 50% of the people I have issues with and really let go of what they did to me, it would make our road to recovery that bit simpler.

Sidebar: The other 50% are demented buffoons who would take issue with the fact I’d forgiven them.

A conversation with a broken friend, who needs the help of his loved ones to put him back together has made me realise that sometimes, granting forgiveness rather seeking retribution is the healthier option. Of course, it’s easier said than done. But we’re all so fundamentally effed up, who are we to demonise and punish anyone if they fall short of the expectations we set for them?

Or have lapsed out of my cynicism and become a sappy idealist?

What say you?

Peace, Love and Stitches

P.S The final paragraph does not apply to people that have committed actual crimes. Regarding criminal behaviour, I’m a Thatcherite to the core. Crime = Punishment.

And in the ideal western democracy.

Crime = Public Flogging + Harsh Labour whilst wearing giraffe print velour

22 Things I wish I understood before I hit 22…….

Good Afternoon!

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend. I’d love to document mine…but it’s not that kind of blog!

Today I realised that next year the first set of 80s babies will turn the big 3-0. Which is mental because 80s babies aren’t supposed to grow up…not this quickly anyway.

Since I connect everything to a social event and an opportunity to buy an outfit for that social event, I’ve had the foresight to realise I’m going to spend the next decade attending a whole heap of 30th birthday parties. And shopping for those birthday parties.

Even though my next best friend to turn 30 does so in 4 years time, my 30th won’t be until 2017 and my age range still haven’t hit 25. …..

I couldn’t help but think…

We’re actually growing up!

As I’ve documented on this blog, I’m not enjoying growing up, because ‘grown up’ experiences aren’t as glamorous as I thought they would be.

Between 16 and 17, I couldn’t wait to drive. Today there is no joy in driving because petrol is so expensive I spend half the time looking at the gauge wondering where the hell my petrol has gone!

I remember when I couldn’t wait to wear heels like my mum. Now I’ve worn heels so much I was referred to a podiatrist who recommended I wear flats all the time. She also gave me two ‘foot lifts’ to insert in my comfortable shoes, which would ensure that when I grow old I’ll be able walk comfortably.

Sidebar: I wore the foot lifts once and never went to see her again. Heels till I die.* throws up fist *

Growing up is wholly overrated. All it means is that now I have to work (and get taxed) for the things I took for granted as a child. I’m not going to complain too much because it’s either getting older or death. I know what option I prefer.

Since I’m going through a phase where my posts are more self-reflective (I normally use the term self-indulgent, but one of you guys left a lovely comment and gave me the correct term) I decided to mix it up a bit today.

I haven’t done a ‘list’ post in a while, so I thought I’d blend a list with my self reflective phase and write down a few practical things I wish I fully comprehended before I turned 22.

22 Things I wish I understood before I hit 22…….

1) Never ask a man the same question (repeatedly) and expect a nice response when he finally gives you a different answer.

2) If you can get something for free, don’t pay for it.

3) If you’re good at something, don’t do it for free. ‘Exposure’ with all its apparent benefits never cleared anyone's overdraft. If they think you’ll earn them a profit, yet still refuse to pay you…tell them to go kill themselves.

4) Let love find you. It’s the best way as chasing it rarely works out.

5) All humans are annoying. Humans are everywhere. There are annoying human everywhere. (Syllogism). The trick is to pretend really annoying people are invisible.

6) Don’t tell people your plans. The fun is in executing your dreams and watching people trying to figure out how you made them happen.

7) Always inconvenience yourself for your family and friends.

8) The easiest way to chat a man up (but give the impression you’re not chatting him up) is to compliment him on something he’s wearing.

9) Picking a side when two friends are fighting is the equivalent of shaving off your eyebrows then drawing them back on. Bad move.

10) If you lose a friend after a viscous argument, don’t go around telling people how badly it ended. Just as you should never speak ill of the dead, never speak ill of dead friendships. Let all dead friendships rest in peace, that way they can’t come back to haunt you.

11) No matter what you do some people just won’t like you, don’t you dare spend time trying to change their minds.

12) Just because someone wants what’s best for you, doesn’t mean they know what’s best for you. Stick to your instincts.

13) Rejection is as inevitable as bad weaves in South London. It’s how you react to it that matters.

14) Save before you spend.

15) People who constantly refer to themselves in the third person have lost touch with reality. Avoid them.

16) Quit moaning, some people have real problems.

17) Emotional outbursts just make you look crazy.

18) Before you harp on about ‘being true to yourself’ figure out who you really are. It’ll help things in the long run.

19) You have the right to get dressed up whenever you see fit. Ergo never contemplate not wearing something because you’re worried about how people will perceive you. Every day in life is a fashion opportunity.

20) Enjoy secondary school, sixth form and university. Compared to the real world, all three are a walk in the park.

21) You’ll renege on your vow never to join a private members club. Stop making vows in front of audiences, it’s just stupid!

22) You’ll cry when Michael Jackson dies…don’t be so hard on him. We all have issues.


Peace, Love and Billie Jean

xxx

The Benefits of Critique

I often find myself getting in trouble for the things I don’t think I should get in trouble for. For example…

a) (Over) Spending on clothes
b) Not returning people’s calls when I didn’t give them my number in the first place.
c) Going to wedding receptions (rather than the ceremony) then leaving after I’ve eaten.
d) Refusing to lie to people and giving my honest opinion

d = bane of my existence.

I’m never rude when I give my opinion. Honestly….(well I don’t think I’m being rude, but then again it’s all relative, one man's human hair is another man's synthetic) I’m just honest. A good friend of mine claims I’m yet to embrace tact. I disagree; I’m yet to embrace being a sycophant.

Sadly refusing to lie to people has caused so many near ‘arms house to your mums house’ situations, to preserve my sanity, in Twenty Oh Nine I had to change. Now my typical response to 90% of the so-called ‘dialogues’ I have with people about their goals is either ‘Do you’, ‘Whatever makes you happy’ or * tries to depress sarcasm * ‘All the best with that’. I’m no dream slayer. And I definitely won’t slay a dream when the person dreaming is yet to wake up, face reality and figure out how they’re going to make things happen.

The truth of the matter is, a lot of people enjoy being lied to. In fact they want to be lied to. Deep down they know they’re being fed lies, but because so many of their friends/family members lie to them, eventually they start to believe what they know to be a lie as the truth. Think Cheryl Cole and her singing ability.

Sidebar: I love Cheryl Cole. Dearly. But excellent singer she is not. If you disagree watch this, just so you know what I consider the benchmark of excellent singers.

The problem is when someone does these people the ultimate favour and tells them the truth they get offended. The ‘truth bearers’ are labelled as mean, bitter or even worse a ‘hater’.

Sidebar: Since when did honest objective critique become hating? And is it possible to have haters when (honestly and objectively speaking) you are yet to accumulate anything to hate on? There’s nothing worse than defending oneself against a charge of ‘hating’ when the claimant is deluded. Pointless.com #Justsayin

The ubiquity of the phrase ‘oh stop hating on me’ has caused the few people who were once beacons of truth, to snuff out their light in order to appease (and further delude) the masses.

Evidence of the silence of the ‘truth bearers’ is found in the countless souls currently embarking on (obviously futile) rap careers after being reassured by many that they are indeed the next Jigga. Never mind the fact the highlight of their ‘highly anticipated’ mix tape was……well none of it.

There are all those pseudo entrepreneurs setting up businesses even though they’re yet to learn the rudiments of financial management

And how can I forget the abundance of people, (many deluded self-propagandists) who have set up Facebook fan pages for themselves even though beyond a music video cameo or a blog that people only frequent by accident, there is the strange absence of concrete achievement that would normally warrant a fan page. Back in the day e.g. circa 2005, people would achieve something then their management/fans would create their fan pages as a way to connect supporters to the product.

Recently I was invited to become a fan of a new t-shirt line that admittedly had great designs, but a key thing was missing. You couldn’t buy the t-shirts. Astounded by the audacity/stupidity/futility I thought to myself, ‘did no one tell these kids there is no point advertising a product if the product doesn’t exist? Then it hit me. * Hits forehead *

We are the hypersensitive generation. The combination of spending our formative years during a continuous economic boom, hip-hop culture and the absence of mentors means we are so entitled and convinced of our greatness, we don’t need critique. We’re so blind we misidentify critique as hating and fail to take on lessons that would help us.

* Rejects a fan page request from the same individual for the 50th time *.

What really worries me is that since we’re all so sensitive (want evidence of this sensitivity? Look at the swiftness of celebrities that block people on twitter who criticise them) how will we ever improve?

Without objective critique, we are nothing. Encouragement is great, but critique is what fine-tunes us to ensure excellence rather than mediocrity. Without accepting critique we could easily become aimless narcissists who believe our own (self-generated) hype to the detriment of our well being.

We all have blind spots and it’s the people around us who will help us see them. Instead of dismissing the things we don’t want to hear but need to hear as ‘hating, perhaps it’s high time we actually paid a bit of attention to the so-called ‘haters’. Heck even a broken clock is right twice a day.

None of us is perfect. And if we’re going to make anything happen and ensure our success is sustainable, we must acknowledge the areas where we fall short.

So let’s not be afraid of criticism, to presume it’s hating is stupidity.

Embrace the truth.

I heard somewhere it’ll set you free.

Peace, Love and Roses

Our bodies are Perfect.

Recently I spoke to a young girl who hated her stomach. In an attempt to get her to embrace herself, I told her how a few years ago I decided to banish scales from my life.

Sidebar: I don’t do scales. In my eyes they belong in the doctor’s office or in the kitchen if you like to bake.

After my (admittedly poor) advice she responded….

‘You’re skinny you wouldn’t understand’.

To which I responded ‘darling, skinny women are just as miserable !”

Despite the range in women I’ve met, I have met very few women who are completely happy with their bodies. In fact amongst a lot of the women I meet, body image issues seems to the common strand.

I’m not generalising and claiming all women are insecure about their bodies. There are many women who are extremely confident and don’t feel the need to suck in their stomachs for Farcebook profile pictures. However in a world where women are constantly bombarded with images of bodily perfection, those women are few and far between.

Not many women are willing to openly admit that they dislike a part of their body. We’re supposed to be the super-confident generation. Women who rise to the top of the corporate ladder wearing Loboutin’s and carrying Birkin’s. There’s no room to have a body hang up when you’re living proof it’s possible to be simultaneously fashionable, smart, beautiful and sexy. But screw it! The truth is most women are affected by an insecurity when it comes to the their bodies and it doesn’t matter what dress size they are. Size 6 or size 26, we face the same issues.

I meet women with damn near ‘perfect’ bodies, drowning their curves in black baggy attire. Then there are women who via stringent diets, painful gym schedules and a bit of surgery, have managed to meet the ridiculous body type the media project. Yet they’re miserable because it’s exhausting attaining and maintaining such a physique!

In extreme cases we find women plagued by eating disorders that they feel ashamed to own up to. In the middle spectrum there’s that woman who wears so much make up she needs to use a chisel to get it off. Then on the lower end of the spectrum you'll find women like myself who refuse to wear certain items of clothing because it doesn't 'suit' them.

Women are placed under (and place themselves under) an immense pressure to look a certain way because of the fear of the scathing commentary they’d receive for not conforming.

Sidebar: I’m aware that men are under a similar amount of pressure regarding their bodies. The explosion in the gym and ‘getting hench’ culture is evidence of this. But I’m not really in a position to write about it because I’m a woman!

Whilst speaking to the young girl, an older woman joined our conversation and offered a completely different perspective. With an enviable confidence she said to us ‘Well I think my body is perfect’.

What was fascinating to me was this woman had a body that will never be considered FHM or Vogue worthy (unless she wakes up as Beth Ditto). Yet in spite of the awareness that her body was the type diet pill manufacturers use in the ‘Before’ shot, she believed her body was perfect. So perfect her stomach roll was positioned in a way it hid her caesarean scar (her words not mine!).

Intrigued (and rather inspired) by her confidence I asked her how she’d come to believe she was perfect the way she is and she kindly told us her story. She told us how throughout her teens and twenties she was practically crippled by her insecurities. Her hatred of her body caused her to make bad choices. Her friends were awful, her boyfriend was waste to the nth power and she wouldn’t apply to certain firms because she believed they would never employ someone that ‘looked like her’.

I’m not a fan of ‘from victim to victor’ stories. I’m far too cynical to find them moving. However what struck me about this woman was that one day she woke up and decided ‘Eff you world. I’m sexy!’. And she stuck with that attitude until there was no way you could leave her presence without agreeing with her.

I don’t know how on earth she got there but I’m on a mission to join her.

I’m aware that believing your body is perfect is regarded as a symptom of egomania and the surest way to make people feel uncomfortable. But so what! I think believing your body is perfect is the only antidote to the poison we’ve been fed. In this situation don’t pursue balance because balance normally means you’ll conclude ‘My body’s great but I could always have smaller thighs/bigger hips/a JLO bum’.

Ergo I’m embracing the radical stance on this one.

Eff the world and regardless of your size, believe your body is perfect!

Maybe we’ll start a movement : )

Peace, Love and Red Velvet Cupcakes set you free

xxx

Invest in Your Mind Pt2

Happy Friday!

The title of today's blog post is a bit deceptive. It's not really invest in your mind part two, it's basically the blog entry in video form (but tweaked slightly). This video was filmed after much persuasion from friends and family members who felt it was the type of topic I needed to tackle.

I was reluctant to film it just because I'm not trying to build a career as a life coach/motivational speaker. In fact I find the plethora of life coaches/motivational coaches that exist (online and in 'real life') annoying. Simply because often when you probe them, their list of concrete personal achievements are very few and their credentials are shady. Moreover I've been raised by two very wise people who have never charged people for the wisdom or help they've given them.

My issues with 'life coaches/motivational speakers' aside I did this video because it was something I needed to say. And it will probably be the last video I do like it. I may change my mind...but probably not!

So watch the vid...as usual your constructive feedback is much appreciated.

As per usual (what you thought I'd do this without a shameless plug?)

a) Subscribe
b) Share
c) Comment

By the way I just want to say I really appreciate the content of you guys' comments. Heck, some of you need to start your own blogs! Even when you're clearly disagreeing with everything I've written I always come away enlightened. So thank you for commenting. Just because I don't always comment back (I'm sorry I procrastinate far too much and asos.com /netaporter.com are very distracting) doesn't mean I haven't read the comment or appreciate it.

Speaking about comments a while back someone wrote a really mean comment, talking about my apparent shallow content, how my work was vicarious at best and that I should quit blogging because my blog had become....well crap.

I'm glad I didn't listen to that person. If their comment had succeeded in its intentions (I'm presuming the intention was to shatter my apparent 'confidence', fill me with diffidence and stop me doing what I love) I wouldn't be about to embark on the most exciting phase of my life!

So....I guess since today's content is more 'inspirational' as usual, I will take the chance to say....

When people start raining on your parade extra hard....it usually means something incredible is around the corner. So don't stop believing!

Sidebar: The above is a bit cheesy right? Could be the lyrics of an S Club 7 (RIP) song!

Right!

Since people tend to ask about my clothes...

In the video I'm wearing a mini dress (not a top as some people have assumed). It's from New Look but the shoulders were customised by myself. Since I can't afford Balmain (yet)...I just ripped some shoulder pads out of one of my blazers (I have about 20 so it's not a big deal)....pulled the padding out of one of my push up bras (sssshhhh). Placed them on top of each other (fused them using a blend of glue and thread), covered it with some black fabric I had left over from a T Shirt I cut up, then sewed it underneath the shoulder area. Then I pulled the edge of the shoulders outwards to give it a more dramatic effect. Since I like showing my legs (judge me I dare you lol!) the dress is now a lot shorter than it was when I bought it. My mum isn't to happy about it and my dad will never see it!

Have a fabulous weekend and I'll see you on Monday!

Peace,Love and Broadcast Messages on BBM should be BANNED!

xxx

P.S No but seriously if you have my BlackBerry PIN and you insist on sending generic broadcasts..... Whether it's an unfunny joke, rave that I will never go to,an opportunity to buy something I don't want to buy, you begging for money, you promoting something that shouldn't be promoted or even worse some sort of message that proves how much you love Jesus/Mohammed/Prada/Cocaine and I apparently need to forward to prove how much I love Jesus/Mohammed/Prada/Cocaine. I will delete you from my contacts and sleep better know I've done it!

If....

Before I start today’s blog I’d like to say

1) Hiiiiiiyyyyyaaa! To all the people who have started reading my blog recently. There’s been a surge in my hits and greater activity in the comments section. Thank you for hopping on board!

2) A massive shout out to all of the people who actively support what I do. Whether it’s posting my blogs/vlogs on Farcebook/Twitter or emailing my stuff to your friends/haters it’s much very much appreciated. I’d like to say a special thank you to all of you guys, because without you…. well this site would be kinda dry! Stay with me, it’s going to be a crazy ride!

Right! Pseudo-Oscar speech moment done : )

I think (my) iTunes has magical powers. For some bizarre reason it has the ability to play the song I need to hear just at the right moment. A song that has the ability to perfectly encapsulate how I’m feeling.

‘If I don’t pick up the phone like I used to…. don’t you take it personal. If I don’t do all things that I used to do ….I ain’t mad at you’
If, Destiny's Child

The above are words from a Destiny’s Child song that has grown on me because they refuse to get back together and produce another (decent) album * gives a dirty look to the ‘Destiny’s fulfilled’ album that failed to fulfill her expectations *

My issues with the ‘Destiny’s Fulfilled’ LP aside, Destiny’s Child are women that moulded me (without being present) during the early phases of my adolescence. It sounds dramatic but like Jessi Ramsey in the Babysitter’s club novels, Destiny’s child 'virtually' shaped me because they showed me that my race+gender would never be the ‘social handicap’ that cynics suggested it could be.

Some people say they’re DC fans * rolls eyes * but I am a real fan. 2001, London Arena, age 14, my first ‘big gig’ ever, they storm out belting ‘So Good’….* rolls eyes at ‘Destiny’s Child/Beyonce’ ‘fans’ that don’t know that song * …I almost fainted with joy.

I digress.

When ‘If’ came on my iTunes this afternoon it somehow got me (over) thinking about the state of my relationships. Although ‘If’ is a quintessential ‘Screw you, I’m leaving’ R&B ladies anthem and is broadly directly at waste men that should be castrated before their demented offspring run wild, it got me thinking about my friendships.

You see the line…

‘If I don’t pick up the phone like I used to….don’t you take it personal’

Has become my standard response to the numerous ‘friends’ that are suddenly upset at my apparent ‘lack’ of communication.
Sidebar: It’s funny when people run into you and say in accusatory manner ‘Why don’t you call me anymore?” when they’ve made no corresponding effort to call you either? * Cues Twitter trending topic * #JustSayinPeopleAreStupid

2009 has been a strange (and wonderful) year for me. I’ve gone through a number of transitions. The biggest? Moving from being an undergraduate to a graduate. This meant that I’ve gone from dependence on an allowance from my parents, to a life of ‘financial independence’ (it sucks).

During my ‘year of transition’ I’ve gained friends who will probably be seasonal, found friends who I pray stick around and lost friends that I thought I’d have a for lifetime. It’s been exhilarating, exhausting, frightening, painful and beautiful.

Consequently I’ve learnt a timely lesson that I know I’ll carry forever.
True friends are rare. And when I say true friends I’m talking about people that are willing to put your needs before their own. People that constantly demonstrate that true love is sacrificial and never selfish. Those that seek to hide your wounds rather than expose them. Beautiful men and women who by allowing us to be part of their lives have deposited within us a gift that money cannot buy.

Those friends!

If you’re so blessed to find them, invest in those relationships with as much strength as you can. I’m far from getting the balance right. I’m busy and so are my friends. Ergo we have to make a greater effort to connect and when we do, the time is treasured. And despite the ups and downs my friends and I have been through as individuals and a ‘collective’, somehow we’re still standing.

As I go through this rather awkward transition where I’m time poor and hustling for my ‘gig’. To those who feel my lack of communication demonstrates I don’t care or to anyone who feels that a ‘friend’ no longer has time for them….

In the words of DC

‘If I don’t pick up the phone like I used to….don’t you take it personal’

Or in my words…

Things change. ‘Life happens’. Relationships evolve. Sometimes they develop, other times they disintegrate. Either way life’s too short to become offended when a relationship changes. Don’t allow things to descend into acrimony, when they don’t need too. It’s better to be able to see an old friend and say hi, instead of walking past them in the street like they're a stranger, not saying a word.

OK!

That has to be the most self-indulgent blog post I’ve written in a long time. However blogging’s cheaper than therapy!

Peace, Love and Where’s Latavia?

P.S Today’s a year since Barack Obama was elected. For some interesting analysis from two different perspectives, check this commentary in the NYT.

The Girl with Samantha Syndrome

Happy Monday!

I’m back. Last week I blogged only once which is disgraceful, my sincere apologies! As you probably have deciphered my life is random.com. I actually intended to blog more last week but things kept coming up (I know excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothingness).

Some of you may or may not know but I’m actually a musician. Late last week I got a call to play piano for Tulisa from N Dubz as she was doing a solo performance at the Royal Albert Hall. I spent the bulk of Friday and some of Saturday rehearsing and the gig was yesterday. It was a surreal moment, me on the keys and her singing…..good times! I’ve worked with numerous artists but she was an absolute pleasure to work with and her performance was excellent.

Anyway! Back to work…..Blogging lol!

In my last blog entry I discussed my friend’s theory about the apparent ‘disservice’ women do to themselves when they approach men first. The reaction to the blog post left me quite surprised. People were either in firm agreement or violently disagreed. The debate bled from the comment section into my personal life. I received phone calls from family members, friends, people I wish would lose my number * cough * all offering their opinions on the blog post.

As I thought more about my friend’s theory I realised what irked me about what he said was the fact he believed that the deed shouldn’t be done solely because he didn’t believe it was a woman’s place. I’m no feminist but the idea that a woman shouldn’t do something just because she’s female is as perverse as the idea as an individual shouldn’t do something because of their race. How can we penalise a person for a factor they had no hand in creating? None of us chose our gender, race or original social class, so like John Rawls advocates a ‘veil of ignorance’ part of me believes a woman should be allowed to express herself without paying attention to the rules that a male dominated society has created for her.

BUT!

If a woman is going to do down the ‘I don’t care if I’m a woman I’m going to do me’ road she needs to be aware of the implications such a path can have on the perceptions people have of her.

Let me give you an example.

Years ago Henpecked and I had (note the use of the past tense) a loose (emphasis on loose) acquaintance who was (well still is I think) what Henpecked would call ‘a dirty hoe and if my daughter ever turned out like that I’d order her honour killing then shoot myself for failing as her father’

Sidebar: Dramatic but it’s Henpecked’s worst nightmare that he breeds a promiscuous daughter. By the way he has this wacky theory that ‘hoes’ only exist because of bad fathers * rolls eyes * A whole other blog entry.

As you all know I hate the term hoe, refuse to use it, ban its use in my presence and believe it’s misogynistic term that only exists because of the fact women are held to higher sexual standards than men.

Henpecked and I have had countless debates over this term and his typical response is….

‘Stop intellectualising s*&* that doesn’t need to be intellectualised. You can ban the term all you want, won’t make a scrap of difference. That’s like prohibiting the use of the word gonorrhea and thinking you’ll reduce STI rates. Hoes exist and that’s why you would never let certain women around your man’

‘No I’m not over-intellectualising things I’m just saying hoe’s a stupid term because a man can live the same way and no one would ever dream of calling him a hoe. Why is it used to insult only women?’

‘Why is Jay-Z still making albums? Why is Boris Johnson mayor? Why did Matilda’s fat brother not get to live with Miss Honey too? Cos life ain’t fair…!’

I digress. Back to the story.

Henpecked’s acquaintance has a bit of a reputation. There’s no point outlining why she has a reputation, everyone reading this knows a woman who has a reputation for being sexually promiscuous. So for the purposes of this thought experiment just use the ‘hoe’ you know CV as a reference point if necessary.

The peculiar thing about Henpecked’s friend (I threw the F word in there to wind him up) is that she’s actually a pretty open about her escapades.

Or in Henpecked’s words

‘That woman is the complete opposite of a lady. She looks great, but when she opens her mouth…. filth’ * he shakes his head in disgust *

‘Christiana we’ve all done something pretty questionable. I’ve got skeletons the size of Free Willy in my closet. But come on…be discreet…!’

‘Wait so what your saying is this. A woman is free to engage in behaviour that if exposed she’d be considered a ‘hoe’ but if she keeps it under wraps it’s ok?’

‘Precisely’ * looks smug *

Sidebar: I’ll leave you all to ponder on the idiocy of Henpecked's logic relating to this issue.

• We all Ponder *

Right!

When Henpecked’s friend is questioned about her lifestyle her argument is pretty much that’s it’s because she can and if she were a man no one would blink. She insists she doesn't care that she has been labelled a 'hoe', because she's just ‘doing her’.

For a while, I bought her argument and admired her honesty, boldness and the fact she didn’t give a damn what anyone thought of her. Indeed if she had testicles the worst word associated with her lifestyle would be ‘player’.

Then I got thinking and remembered at the end of the day, whether she wanted to acknowledge it, she’s still a woman! There are huge differences between what men and women are ‘permitted’ to do. When it gets really hot men can brazenly walk around the street topless, but a woman doing the same would be arrested for indecent exposure! The bottom line is there are certain unspoken rules/societal conventions that it is in a woman’s favour to observe.

Despite the solidification of feminist ideals there are still certain perceptions that linger. One of the many perceptions is the belief that a woman has no business living like Samantha from SATC and if a woman chooses to take that path she must be prepared to end up like Samantha. 50, unmarried, with a ton of clothes and no children. Or in the case of Henpecked’s friend a woman who can’t get/keep a decent man because people believe her sexual lifestyle indicates she has no substance, which is very far from the truth.

Perhaps I’m taking the conservative road on this debate….

Should I be challenging status quo and argue that it’s high time women are held to the same sexual standards as men?

Or am I right in thinking that would be a futile cause. A better option is women striving to keep their reputations intact and heads held high?

What say you?

Peace, Love and Carrie

P.S I haven’t forgotten about ‘The Task’ I will complete it : )