First Move Politics

A few weeks ago I accompanied a friend of mine to a party.

Sidebar: He’s too lazy to invest in a girlfriend so he regularly exploits his massive pool of female friends when he needs a date. Apparently it’s more cost efficient than having a single companion.

Unbeknownst to me I was attending a party filled with people who know they’re ‘cool’ but if you asked them they would list reasons why they are not cool but do so whilst name dropping 10 people that are the epitome of cool.

So we spent the evening having conversations with people who were either

a) Downplaying whatever ‘huge project’ they're currently doing
b) Exaggerating about how many ‘huge projects’ they're doing
c) Like us, there to exploit the free tab.

Suddenly, stage left. We spot a very attractive woman (wearing incredibly fierce shoes) walk up to a man…..

She proceeds to start chatting him up (or maybe she was selling drugs…. you never know these days)

Anyway…

My friend and I at this point aren’t really being entertained by the ‘entertainment’.

Sidebar: I would say who was performing. But they’re in the charts at the moment and have an almost cult-like following. Mentioning that having a hysterectomy is probably a more pleasurable experience than listening to them live would only give me more hate mail than it's worth….

As the ‘entertainment’ screeches an ‘exclusive album cut’ in the background, we decided to re-direct our focus on the woman with the fierce shoes. She was clearly interested in the young man and he seemed (almost) equally interested.

At the end of the conversation she brought out her BlackBerry and we concluded/assumed/speculated that she suggested they stay in touch. So she took his details and looked very pleased with herself.

‘Silly Woman’ said my friend

‘Silly Woman?’ I responded.

‘Yes silly woman’.

‘What has she done wrong? She saw him. Had the confidence to talk to him and got his number. Is that a crime?’

My friend looked at me stone faced…

Then he started to rant. And rant. And rant.

What was the crux of his rant?

Well…..

My friend has a very interesting theory. In fact the more I think about his theory, the more plausible it becomes. My friend is what you would describe as a typical alpha male (hence why he stated that any man that disagreed with his theory is a Beta Bitch who needs to grow a vertebrae).

My friend believes that by the woman with the fierce shoes approaching the man first she took herself 10 steps backwards. And if their (future) relationship was a game of monopoly, she was already in Jail with no properties.

Why? Well apparently if a man is really interested, he’ll approach a woman first.

What about men who are painfully shy and need a bit of a push? I retorted.

‘Who told you that shy men can’t approach women? I bet you read that in a women’s magazine, in some article written by a (single) woman, telling women how to understand men. Or you read it in one of those weird self-help relationship books that your friend lent you ? Are you telling me shy men can’t get girlfriends independently? They’re shy not mentally incapacitated!'

* I look at him in annoyance *

‘So are you saying a woman should never walk up to a man and chat him up?’

‘Oh don’t try and trap me Christiana. I’m not telling women what to do. I’m just saying that a woman should know that by approaching a man first she does herself a disservice?’

‘How? It doesn’t make her look desperate does it?’

‘No not at all. But first of all it indicates that she’s interested. As a man, when a woman is blatantly trying to get with me, I instantly think to myself, I have to put in minimum effort with this one because it’s already in the bag. There’s no chase is there? And we both know the fun's in the chase’

‘So you’re saying by a woman being honest and not playing games (because I know you men hate the games we apparently play) we’re creating problems for ourselves?’

* Appears vexed *

‘Stop twisting my words. I’m saying this. In the first few weeks or months or whatever, it won’t hurt you to act like you’re unattainable. Come like Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys…Make yourself a mystery…’

* At this point I laugh out loud at the Nancy Drew reference *

‘Christiana here’s the real problem. That woman with the shoes you want has set a rather dangerous precedent. She’s going to go home and call the man up. If they keep talking she’ll probably be the one who initiates text banter or always calls first. If they go on a date, it’ll probably be at her suggestion. He may like her…but not because he wants to. But because it’s convenient…

* I’m silent, because I’m listening rather than interrupting. He’s blatantly weirded out by this but continues *

‘Eventually when they start going out (because like all you women she'll push for a label on their arrangement so she doesn't feel like it's just sex) She’ll probably be the active one and he’ll be the passive one. Eventually 6-18 months later, she’ll leave frustrated because of his lack of interest, however by acting (over)interested in the beginning she never let him put in the work! ’

* I overhear someone ordering food and realise the tab covers food and drink. Since I love freeness…. I leave to order some food even though I’m not even hungry…. … *

* I return *

‘ So what you’re saying is that most relationships that fail do so because the woman chatted the man up first?’

‘Why are you such a drama queen? Course I’m not saying that. I’m stating that as a woman you have to be aware that it’s in your long term interests to let the man make the first move and even when he does…. act like you’re not that bothered.’

So! Since this is being fiercely debated within my circle and my bum’s sore from sitting on the fence…

What do you guys think? Is a woman chatting up a man first a big no no? Or is the whole idea that it’s wrong rooted in misogyny and outdated gender roles?

What say you?

Peace, Love and Adam

xxx

Embrace Being Alone!

Happy Friday!

For those of you that read this blog and live in the UK, yesterday evening you probably watched Nick Griffin receive free publicity at the tax payer's expense on Question Time. I considered doing a blog entry outlining my opinion on the entire debacle, then I remembered I don't promote bigots. I just do my utmost to live a way that demonstrates their ideas are ludicrous.

What I do have to say is.....

1) Please support organisations such as 'Unite Against Fascism', groups that not only maintain the health of our democracy but actively attempt to prevent bigotry from bleeding into mainstream society.

2) I know it's early but next General Election I urge you all to vote. I don't care how 'boring' you think British politics is. The current economic climate means that fringe parties such as the BNP could potentially tap into vulnerable segments of the electorate. If you're not yet registered to vote, register now. Your Vote is Your Voice. If you choose not to exercise it, you have no right to complain when the new government doesn't execute its mandate or parties with a fascist agenda gain a seat in parliament.

Sidebar: Considering I did a Politics degree and behind music,media and fashion it's one of my biggest interests, I'm surprised I don't blog about politics more.....

Ok. Enough of all the politics.

Today's video is pretty much inspired by my ongoing conversations with my uncle. As usual I'm just going to let you all watch and make up your own minds.

Of late these videos and blogs have become cathartic. I guess it's cheaper than proper therapy right? All my friend's that are in/have done therapy always go on about its benefits...while I say they could save themselves the $ , blog and buy more shoes instead. * shrugs if you're a psychotherapist appalled by that statement *

Anyhoooow : ) I'm going to be off....

As usual

a) Share
b) Subscribe
c) Comment

Oh gosh! Since people tend to ask......

Clothing in the video:

Oversized Cardigan: Purchased from a Charity Shop, it's by 'Country Casuals'
Earrings: Vintage, From Bang Bang on Goodge St, London
Gold Cuff: Marc Jacobs
Nail Polish: Barry M, Black Colour 47

Peace, Love and WHITNEY!

xxx

9 Rumours....

I woke up this morning and as is my custom I proceed to check all the reputable news outlets.

I logged into Farcebook.

As usual there was a slew of the same not that funny link everyone has posted to show how on trend they are.

Then I logged into Twitter.

Sidebar: I distinctively remember writing a rant where I pleaded with the people that created Facebook to do to Twitter what Bush administration did to Iraq. I’m so glad they didn’t take my advice and spark the world’s first social networking war. Twitter is to social networking what Drake is to Hip-Hop. All of a sudden everyone’s talking about them, the opinion on the quality is polarised (ranging from ‘crap’ to ‘amazing’) and deep down we all know it’ll either end really well or really badly. Either way I like both.

This morning’s leading Twitter trending topic was:

#RIP Kanye West

As celebrities are always ‘dying’ on Twitter (often it’s a metaphorical career death caused by a single idiot tweet) my heart didn’t start to race like it usually does when people I’ve never met, have never given me a penny but happen to be famous are rumoured to be dead.

Furthermore ‘#Long Live Yeezy’ was also a trending topic, ahead of #beat cancer mind you (I’m glad our generation has its priorities in order) indicating that Mr West’s fan base had put their tweet to good use believing that tweets can increase mortality.

Anyway! The Kanye resurrection (well you know that’s what he’ll probably label it when he writes a caps lock riddled blog entry confirming he is indeed alive) got me thinking about the power of rumours.

Most people would rather hear a really interesting, juicy and completely fictitious rumour, than hear the truth. There have been countless occasions when I’ve listened to someone tell me a story about themselves knowing full well they were embellishing just because I knew their real life story would put me to sleep. Rumours are entertaining! Furthermore we’re a generation of self-propagandists (my dad’s words) so starting a rumour about yourself is as powerful tool as a Facebook Fan page.

Sidebar: Is it just me that finds it weird that on Facebook you can be a fan of someone who has a real fan base e.g. someone famous that’s accomplished something, a person you know personally and ‘lying in bed on a Sunday’?

However rumours become less entertaining and more problematic when people start spreading rumours about us. Damaging rumours that not only hurt us but hurt those connected to us.

On a basic intellectual level we all know that people generally start rumours because

a) We have attained something they seek or are en route to attaining what they seek.

b) There is something about us that makes them feel less secure about themselves

c) We’re horrible people

That doesn't negate the pain rumours cause BUT....With the omission of c, rumours are indicators that we’re doing something right. And as I’ve said in a blog entry before, if there are 5 rumours about you, work so hard and be so great that by the end of the year there are 25.

Since I’ve had a rather complex few days (long story, I’ll blog about it at a future date. At the moment I haven’t decided on my next course of action) I thought I’d end today’s blog on a lighter note….

So in aid of that cause…

9 Rumours you shouldn’t mind being spread about you in 2010………

1) You’re rich/richer than you are
A rumour that you have more money than you really have can never be a bad thing can it?

2) You beat someone up a long time ago. And they lived (barely).
I’ve realised that people that used to beat up people in the past then repented, don’t get beaten up in the present.

3) You know Anna Wintour personally
Need I explain?

4) You’re related to Barrack Obama
Since he’s the free world’s first bi-racial president, the beautiful thing about this rumour is that both black and white people can use it for their personal benefit. See how Obama continues to bring people together?

5) You can get people on the Guest List for everywhere that matters

6) You have shares in Facebook

7) You have World Cup final tickets

8) You’ve managed to persuade P Diddy never to release another album

9) You’re aware of a petrol station where the pump stays at £10.00 no matter how much you fill your tank

Peace, Love and Control

xxx

The Scenarios

Happy Monday!

I know I’m supposed to be continuing the series of blog posts inspired by words from my uncle but I woke up this morning and I didn’t want to. I hate routine and love flexibility, so with the aim of being true to myself I’m going to pick up ‘The Task’ at a later date. It may be tomorrow, it could be next week…. I will definitely complete it. However when I write with a sense of obligation, rather than passion I’m never pleased with my work. Ergo I’m going to wait until I know what I write is the best I can do.

The Scenarios

Let me just give you a few examples of what happens to me (and millions of other females, yes I said millions) regularly

Scenario 1

‘So can I have your number then?’

* Thinks frantically for an excuse *

‘ Oh no, I’d rather not’

‘Why?’

* Because I would rather transport myself back in time and enslave myself than ever give you access to my 11 digits. But I can’t say that so…*

‘Don’t take it personally...’

* Take it very very personally *

‘…We had a really nice conversation….’

* I only spent the last 8 minutes thinking of ways to create a diversion *

‘…But I think our communication should end here….’

* I stop talking and start looking around the bar, silently praying one of my girlfriends will rescue me *

‘…. Come on. Give me your number we can be friends’

* Friends? Friends? You make me feel as comfortable as those feral children who release fireworks on the bus *

* I laugh awkwardly *

‘Oh, I have enough friends I don’t need anymore’

* I smile and try and tip toe away *

The conversation continues for approximately 2 more minutes. Becoming more awkward with each plea for some sort of continued contact.

Scenario 2

In an attempt to genuinely ‘get to know us’ here are some of the Facebook messages young men have sent my friends and I.

‘Hey. Thought I’d add you. What’s your msn?’

‘You’re kinda sexy. We should meet up. Send me your number’ ‘You got a boyfriend?’

Or even

‘You wanna send me some pics?’

Or the creative ones

‘I’m sure I’ve met you somewhere before. What’s your BB PIN again? I lost all my contacts.’

Which is really code for…

‘Are you gonna bang doe?’

Sidebar: For those that read this blog and live overseas/have a limited exposure to Funky House (a genre that will probably be irrelevant in 20 months), the phrase ‘Are you gonna bang doe’ was popularised by a recent Funky House anthem that is basically the continuous repetition of a phrase that you must never (seriously) say to a woman. If I were a radical feminist I would probably find the song offensive. However I can’t stand radical feminists. I love the song because the sheer audacity of it makes me laugh. * Reloads the track on Youtube *

Scenario 3

At the end of an above average conversation

‘So when am I going to take you out’

‘Erm let me have a look in my diary’

* I begin to flick through BlackBerry genuinely trying to find a date *

* Man is perplexed that woman refuses to instantly make him her highest priority *

‘ What are you too busy for me? I’m hot property . You know how many women would love to go on a date with me…’

* I put my BlackBerry back in my clutch and shake my head, wondering how another heterosexual man bitch with an ego the size of third world debt crossed my path. *

‘One minute, I’ll be right back, just need to go to the bathroom’

* I avoid him for the rest of the night *

Recently I met a young gentleman who wanted to know why some women are slightly standoffish during their first interaction with men who are strangers.Normally I’m known for being ‘harsh’ on women but I took it upon myself to explain that he had to learn to empathise with women.

You see men who are strangers, sometimes turn out to be strange men. And because of the frequency that women experience scenarios 1-3, it’s embedded in the female psyche that (slower/seedier/unnecessarily arrogant) men will misinterpret friendliness as genuine interest.

In order to avoid situations where you have to politely decline a person’s request for your number, the only other real alternative is either to be unfriendly, run away really quickly or pretending to be mute. None of which are ideal alternatives, hence why some women wear their ‘Please Do Not Approach Me’ face at all times.

In response to my explanation the young man made a valid point.

‘ don't women take into account the amount of courage it takes for some guys to approach a girl? Especially when so many women are rude....’

To which I responded that I’m not Obama so I wouldn’t pretend to have any of the answers to his problem.

Sidebar: Before anyone interprets the last statement as anti-Obama. I am not anti-Obama. I’m still a fan of what he represents and will let him complete at least 50% of his term before I make my final judgement. It's just that thus far I’m disappointed with his failure to close Guantanemo Bay. His continuation of the proxy war in the Middle East. His lack of progress with climate change.He has reneged regarding tackling the bonus culture in the banking sector and so far demonstrated an inability to show strength in areas that matter. I do fear he may be the American Tony Blair. However part of me still believes his campaign words weren’t rhetoric, so I’m still hopeful…

What I did have to say to the young man is this.

I will never defend a woman who is rude…

But!

If you’re a man….

The next time you encounter a woman and she seems slightly standoffish....

Remember Scenarios 1-3.

Remember that women never want to be perceived as being over-friendly aka desperate.

That woman probably has approximately 10 men saved in her phone as ‘Don’t Pick Up’.

She has been in numerous situations where she felt afraid to say to a man 'no you can't have my number'

Finally, if she's wearing heels....

Her shoes are probably KILLING her....

So please don't judge her too harshly : )


Peace, John and Edward.

P.S I can’t remember ever omitting the word Love from one of my send-offs. But the X Factor twins are so special…I just had to!

The Task:Step 1

My mother is a poem. I'll never be able to write, though everything I write is a poem to my mother. Sharon Doubiago

First of all I’d like to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful mum. She is part of my soul. One of the few people that gets me and lets me be me. Duchess I love you! I know she’s not reading so I’m free to say that when I get to her age I hope to have a stomach as flat, cleavage that heavenly and be able to go to the supermarket dressed to the nines in heels without caring what anyone thinks!

So….

Happy Friday!

Usually when I claim I’m going to turn a blog entry into a series I get distracted and it doesn’t happen.

Exhibit A: The Roald Dahl ‘Series’

Sidebar: 99% of my school reports contained the phrase ‘bright but talkative and easily distracted’.

Due to the overwhelming responses I received concerning yesterday’s blog entry (emails, texts, Facebook messages, family members trying to figure which ‘uncle’ I’m writing about) I thought it would be stupid not to continue.

By the way if you’re yet to read yesterday’s blog entry now would be a good time or the rest of today’s blog will make as much sense to you as Obama’s Nobel Prize win made to anyone that knows an ounce about politics.

Moving on swiftly…


Who is the task for?

Everyone. I think the last post gave a lot of people the impression that the task is exclusively for women or people that jump around from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship (i.e. women). My uncle said that if more men did this task the world would be a better place. Well he actually said there would be less kids running around shooting each other and launched into another random speech, but that’s another blog entry.

What is the task meant to achieve?

Clarity.

My friends and I were bombarding our uncle with questions. We wanted to know his take on our relationships, his perspective on how men really think, his thinking on how women should behave…. we had countless questions. However mid-way through our discussion he made an extremely profound point. He stated that his opinions would only further compound our various ‘issues’ (i.e. things we’d blown out of proportion) because we lacked clarity in the first place.

As such the task is a way of helping people examine their relationship history from more of a scientific/rational rather than emotional viewpoint. Initially we argued against the omission of emotions from the equation simply because in real life scenarios it’s often emotions that dictate our actions not reason. Contrarily he argued that by making the task less about our emotions it would be more beneficial.

Or in his words.......

‘The moment you ladies get into a relationship and/or fall for someone you lose most if not all perspective. I know you like to think you don’t but you do. If you do this task properly before your next relationship or even during your current relationship(s) you’ll be able to read back what you know about yourself from the task.’

I guess at this point I’ll have to stress the task involves you writing things down. My friends and I are thinking about doing a ‘task gathering’ for step 2 with the assistance of our dear friends, Jack, Daniel’s, Malibu and Coke…. just because it’s going to be hilarious.com

‘The task should decrease the risk of you getting into situations which make you unhappy.If done properly at the end you’ll have your own personal study which should be your reference point when you want to figure out if you’re still on track’

So in short the task is a way of giving us clarity regarding what we really want. And our uncle said if we paid him $1,000,000 he’d tell us all how to get what we want.

The Task

I warned you this entire task would be exhausting, time consuming and require (painful) self-examination…hence my reluctance to write about it.

But here it goes and I do hope some of you guys join my friends and I in doing it!

Step 1: Examine Your History

Where you’ve been?

1) First write down the name of every single person you’ve liked for a significant period of time. Use a few words to describe the key character/personality traits of each person. Then write what you liked and disliked about each.

Sidebar: I know this is a more serious blog than usual, but you don’t know how many times I’ve LOLed in embarrassment whilst doing this….if I could go back in time and happy slap myself for liking someone….I would! * hangs head in shame *


2) Write down the name of every person you’ve had a relationship with. Write down they key character/personality traits of each. Then write what you liked and disliked about each of them. Finally write down why you (honestly) think the relationship ended. If you’re still in a relationship, write down the most likely reason you’ll split up.


* At this point, you should/may be able to spot a pattern emerging in their characters/personalities *

I believe (as does my uncle) that there is one relationship that defines the paradigms within which you view all your other romantic relationship. We call it the ‘defining relationship’. For some people it’s their first relationship ever, others it’s the first person they loved, for some it’s the person they lost their virginity to however for most people it’s the person that hurt them most. Generally it’s the person your friends still mention or avoid mentioning because you’ve banned them from doing so......

3) How has your ‘defining relationship’ impacted your current behaviour?

4) Ask 3 of your closest friends/family members to describe you in a few words. Do any of those words correspond or conflict with the traits that cropped up most frequently in your exes?

5) If you could pick one relationship/person to delete which would it be and why?

We all tried to answer no one because we don’t regret anything, but our uncle said that was an idiotic answer

Ok so that’s step 1 of the task!

Step 2 will be up on Monday and Step 3 later in the week.

Until then,

Peace, Love and NY

The Task: Prologue

The trouble with dating back to front

Happy Thursday,

Happy it’s nearly Friday,

Happy (another) Day where you’ll pretend you’re working in front of your boss,

Below I’ve done my best to transcript a conversation that occurred a few weeks back between a few friends and our uncle. Not our real uncle. Just a man who has absolutely no relation to us but we insist on calling uncle because of the sick sad fact that despite being in our twenties, we’re all afraid our parents would (literally) twist our ears if they caught us calling him by his government name.

Anyway! Here it goes!

The conversation that occurred between myself + Friends with our ‘Uncle’ that (probably) changed the course of our twenties

‘The problem is you’re all going about dating and relationships back to front’ he said

‘Back to front?’ I answered

‘Yes back to front. You’re all getting into relationships without knowing what you really want in a person. Then you get annoyed with the man for being who he is, when the truth is you didn’t know what you suited you initially. How can you resent a man for being himself when he was never compatible with you?’

‘Yeah but isn’t part of discovering what you want in a man/woman going out there and dating, and getting in relationships with people you think are worth your time. Inevitably some of those relationships will fail but if they do at least you know what you want more than before that relationship. So when you get into the next one…. you have so much more
knowledge and experience….’

* I falter as I realise how weak my line of argument is *

‘Yes of course when you get in the next relationship you’ll have more knowledge. But you know what else you’ll have? BAGGAGE! Christiana, what you and your friends are basically telling me is that in order for you to discover what type of men you do like, you basically try all the men you don’t! Would you try out different types of poisons to find out which would kill you quickest? I agree part of finding out what you want involves a bit of trial and error but don’t you want to do a bit of research into yourself first? Know your likes and dislikes, what drives you, what makes you miserable? You just don’t go and try anything out.’

My other friend interjects in our defence….

‘Yes….no….kind of, uncle you’re making us sound like we don’t know what we want at all! First of all we don’t have baggage! We’re cautious and we’re not idiots! It’s just happens because of the type of women we are i.e. successful, hardworking, ambitious, fiercely independent etc the quality and quantity of available GOOD men dwindles by the minute. So sometimes we’re kind of forced to get with men who aren’t that good for us but…'

* Her voice dwindles and she begins to mutter as she realises she’s about to make a point contrary to her argument *

* Uncle shakes his head and sighs, worrying for his ‘nieces’ *

‘Ok so when was the last time you guys were single? And when I say single I mean really single. Single in the sense you weren’t seeing anyone, you didn’t have an ex on speed dial just in case you ‘needed’ them and you weren’t worrying about not being in a relationship? When was the last time you all just focused on yourselves and bettering who you are as women without worrying about a man period?’

* All the ladies present look slightly embarrassed/uncomfortable *

‘What I’m going to conclude is that since you all started being man obsessed, at let’s say the average age of about 15, you haven’t really stopped to take time, regroup and assess your relationship history. All you’ve done is jump from failed relationship to failed relationship, horrible date to even more horrible date without trying to figure out not only where you’re going wrong, but what you actually want.’

* We all sit glancing at everyone but at him as an awkward silence envelopes the room *

As the awkward silence lingered our uncle took the opportunity to launch into a speech, where he channelled all the great speakers of our time. Obama, Thatcher, Ricki Lake. It was epic. The speech was about life, love, sex and a random bit about migrating if Cameron ever comes into power. We were silent for the most part and the speech was only interrupted by random bursts of applause and laughter.

What did he say exactly? Well I can’t tell you that! I’m stealing 90% of it to put in my book. What I will tell you is at the end of the speech our uncle set us a task. I’ve been procrastinating about embarking on this task because it requires a huge amount of effort and a process of self-examination that could be quite painful. However my thinking is that by blogging about the task it will force my friends and I into starting.

Due to the breadth and depth of the task and what it seeks to accomplish I’m going to have to write about it over a couple of blog entries. But if you’re anything like me I’m sure my uncle’s words will have given you something to ponder on….

So until tomorrow

Peace, Love and Shoreditch

xxx

The Cure for Clinginess

Happy Tuesday!

I didn’t blog yesterday….if you follow me on Twitter you’d know why, if you don’t….well start lol!

But yes here I am on this lovely (well cold) Tuesday afternoon with so many topics to blog about I honestly don’t know where to start. But I’ll do my best to try….

Of late I’ve implemented a rather radical rule in the interactions with my male friends. As a consequence of my blog, I’ve evolved from the adopted little sister who they advise, to the little sister they still advise but are more willing to (grudgingly) take advice from.

The problem is going back to your girlfriend and saying ‘Christiana said…’

Only creates an unnecessary tension between myself and their various girlfriends/jump offs/women around for a reason no one can figure out. Furthermore I can’t be bothered to thrash out a bilateral peace treaty with a girlfriend whose relationship life span will probably equal that of a tamagotchi.

Sidebar: As a general rule, I only become friends with my male friends girlfriends if I believe they’re going to be around for a significant period of time or they trap them with an ‘unexpected’ pregnancy.

Consequently it seems that despite my intention to help, there are between 1-100 women in the world who are bitter because apparently the demise of their relationship was my fault. It had nothing to do with their lack of contentment, paranoia, gaining 5 stones or using their boyfriend Facebook statuses/wall as the litmus test for the health of their relationship.

No it’s because I had conversation where I stated, that statistically most human relationships are bound to fail and ‘if you’re having this many problems 6 months in she’ll probably amputate your leg 6 years in’.

As a consequence of being on the receiving end of forced smiles simultaneously accompanied by evil stares everywhere from Church to the queue in Selfridges….

Sidebar: Why is it that the people that don’t like you most make the greatest effort to pretend they do like you?

I only give my advice if I remain anonymous

(This is going somewhere but the cold weather has left me discombobulated so my mental process is even more random than usual)

…The other day I got a text from a friend who’s is actually a good guy but he always seems to attract women who start off nice but then become the real versions of themselves quicker than most people do in a relationship.It’s not just the speed with which they transform into the real them that’s the problem. It’s the type of woman they transform into that’s problematic.

So he sent me a text trying to be cryptic.....

‘Christiana some advice. I’ve got a friend that… ’ As I have no time for hypothetical scenarios about yourself that you lie and say are about other people to preserve your dignity, I stopped reading the text, text him back and asked him to call me.

You know when someone’s already made a decision but they’re calling you to validate their decision, but they insult your intelligent by posing their decision as a dilemma? Well that was our conversation.

It turns out he’s with a woman who is really clingy. Weirdly clingy. Like so clingy she’s nearly fought women for even looking at him!Normally I would advocate a termination of such relationships. But she seems like a wonderful woman in all other areas. Moreover the great Cheryl Cole has advised us to ‘fight fight fight fight fight for this love’ and since she’s my new role model….here’s a toned down/abridged version of the advice I gave my friend.

7 Ways to stop your girlfriend/boyfriend/family member who wants to borrow some money, from being so clingy

1) Become equally clingy.

2) Buy them a ‘gift’ that’s time-consuming and mentally/physically taxing. Random ideas include: A pitbull, a bungee jump instructor course or sign them up for the London Marathon.

3) Pretend you’re broke. Use your FB status to announce to the world you’ve maxed out the overdraft on your overdraft. It’s in our times of financial deficit that ‘friends’ suddenly become unavailable.

4) If 3 doesn’t work, pretend you’re broke + ask to borrow money from the person clinging to you. Asking for a loan is the surest way to get someone to stop returning your calls/take significantly longer to return your calls. Ensure the figure you ask for is something they can
afford but would rather not lend. Basically make it as awkward as possible for them to say no.

5) Advise them to go on a ‘Friendship Detox’.

6) Tell them they’re so clingy it’s affecting your mental health. Straightforwardness isn’t always effective but it’s cathartic.

7) If 1-6 don't work, lose your phone, move house, deliberately ignore them and become more active on Facebook. I know staying on Facebook seems counter the cause however increasing your Facebook activity whilst decreasing your interaction with a person is the surest way to ensure that relationships demise.

Peace, Love and Grazia

xxx

Don't chase relationships!

Happy Friday!

This is probably the latest I've posted a blog entry in ages but I just filmed this and thought I'd put it up as this evening instead of Monday morning. I'll let you guys watch and make up your own minds about the content....I guess the real point isn't forming a general consensus (although if there is any video I'd like a consensus on it would be this one) but perhaps to get us to think more about how we value ourselves and how that impacts the way we allow people to treat us....

Anyway! Watch it and as ever your feedback is desired....

As per usual....

a) Subscribe
b)Share
c) Comment


Hope you all have a fab weekend and I'll see you Monday!

Peace, Love and Wings

xxx

Invest in Your Mind

Good Afternoon!

I’m blogging whilst babysitting my two little cousins (one’s a baby, the other a very intelligent toddler). They’re very well behaved however today’s experience has given me a new appreciation of mothers and fathers in general. So before I proceed further I’d like to salute all (good) parents!

Oooh by the way before I start yesterday morning I woke up and my CrackBerry was going crazy. Loads of email, BBM’s etc. It turned out the very fabulous Jamelia had tweeted my ‘The Friendship Detox’ video and given me a shout out on her Twitter page. I was SO surprised and really chuffed

Here’s what she tweeted @ me later …..

JameliaTweeties @Christiana1987 Girl!! I watched all your blogs...and loved them....esp. 'friendship detox' n 'pay your part of the bill'!! Keep It Up x J x.

* Massive Smile *

I hate mornings so it was a great way to start what turned out to be a long but productive day. So thank you Jamelia!

Anyway today’s blog is slightly different. I’m in a contemplative mood…so here it goes……

There are certain people in my life who opinion wise, often occupy the position opposing mine and do their utmost to push my mind to my limits. I call them my intellectual sparing partners. Some of them are friends (shout out Professor Nemesis), others are people I’ve become acquainted with over the www but most of them are my family members.

My chief intellectual sparing partner is my dad (love you Guvna!). Alongside my mother (love you Duchess), my dad is the person who has effectively shaped who I am the most.

Ever since I could speak our relationship has been characterised by intense love coupled with constant debate.

I was obsessed with Thatcher but he believed Neil Kinnock had all the answers.

Weekly he took me to piano lessons; I later revolted and took up the flute.

I later quietly quit the flute and returned to the Piano

I love luxury. He embraces frugality.

Ideologically we’re complete opposites. But character wise we’re similar.

Correction: I hope to one day have the amazing character of my father. I’m not even 2% of the way there. However as much as I HATE to admit it, we are eerily similar.

I’m in this transition phase of my life. I’ve graduated and I’m entering a new world where my actions from this point onwards will determine the trajectory of my twenties. As such I’ve been thinking really hard about what I’m going to do next.

And what do you know? All those ‘ramblings’ of the Guvna have a higher utility than I ever thought they would.It turns out all those lessons he drilled into me as child are actually useful.

Sidebar: Until the age of about 16, I was only allowed to watch TV on Saturday’s and Sunday’s. Since TV was banned my sisters and I occupied ourselves by playing instruments, reading books, writing stories, building mansions out of cardboard boxes that we accidentally set on fire and like most children of ambitious African migrants…..revising till our eyes bled. The rest of the time was spent talking to our parents and listening to their stories...*shudders as she recollects another Anansi tale*

At the moment, my favourite lesson from my lovely dad (who yesterday told me to put on my coat when I asked him to turn on the heating)

‘ Many people confuse money as their main currency. Money isn't currency. It is merely a product of your level of creativity. This means your real currency and power lies in the ideas you create. Ideas spring forth from your mind. Therefore your mind is your greatest asset. Invest in your mind and you’ll always be wealthy'

* Said as he gesticulates in a very Tony Blair-esque manner *

Sidebar: The above is paraphrased, condensed and unpacked so it’s easier to understand. My dad has a really flowery vocabulary. Half the time my sisters and I don’t know what the heck he’s saying.

And it’s the final clause....

‘Your mind is your greatest asset. Invest in your mind and you’ll always be wealthy’

That’s been on my mind the most.

Because if the substance of our minds determines our actions….

And our eventual destiny is nothing more than an accumulation of prior actions.

Following that logic….

If I sort my mind out e.g. get rid of negativity, embrace positivity and set out a list of goals to work towards…

I can potentially create a better destiny for myself than I would have had at a lower level of thinking.

Sidebar: Some of you will be thinking ‘duh’. And I know it’s ‘obvious’ but it’s often the obvious things that we miss.

I spoke to my dad this morning and I let him know (in the most discreet manner) that I would be jacking one of his ideas for my blog. He looked flattered (discreetly of course). However the only reason I spoke to him about this blog was because I needed to pick his mind.

And my question was this….

‘Dad how on earth do I invest in my mind?'

And he said (Right off the top of his head)

‘Very simple. Five things’

1) Reading
2) Listening
3) Watching
4) Acting
5) Experimenting

Then he walked off.

As I stood in the kitchen waiting for the water for my coffee to finish boiling I thought…

‘Shoot, Christiana, when last did you read a book that actually enhanced your existence instead of picking up a magazine that only you made lust after clothing/shoes/men you can’t afford (yet)”

‘You talk a lot…maybe it’s high time you adjust your listening to talking ratio…’

‘You’re never going to like films (I don’t get the fuss) but why don’t you spend more time observing people, rather than critiquing them….’

‘You act a lot so why not act smarter?’

‘What was the name of that inventor that tried to invent that thing like 400 times and only succeeded on the 401st try? You need to be like that dead man. You need to innovate/experiment more. Winners never play it safe ’

Apologies for walking you through my cognitive process but those thoughts inspired me to write down a step-by-step plan concerning how I intend to invest in my mind in order for me to ensure I become wealthy.

And for those of you that are in the same boat as me e.g. people with dreams that need the tools to get there….I’d love it if you’d join me.

Peace, Love and Chichebe

xxx

BT, Dating and Henpecked

Happy Monday!

BT are still being utterlyuseless.com. If you’re following me on Twitter you will be aware that BT somehow picked up the constant stream of (justified) abuse I sent their way all Friday and @BTCare started following me on Twitter. Corporate Bullies.

I’m uploading this rant sitting in my car (which is ‘parked’ further up the road than usual) jacking my neighbour’s wireless. Good times.

Sidebar: One perk of illegal internet is that it’s free. One downside is that your neighbours keep peeking out their windows and ‘popping’ out of their houses trying to figure out why a woman in a bathrobe and headscarf is parked outside their house.

I love this blog. I really do. She’s my baby. But like all children she often gets me in awkward situations and keeping her has come with a number of implications.

I have friend/associates/acquaintances who are all slightly offended that I haven’t given them a pseudonym and blogged about them.

My mother believes that this blog will be the one thing that prevents me from getting married. Apparently a few years from now my future mother-in-law will Google my name stumble upon this site and be appalled that her son's marrying a woman with (too many) opinions.

My 3 sisters (who are my best friends and alongside my parents my heartbeat) always ask why I don’t give them shout outs when their input and critique is crucial to this sites maintenance. Love you girls : )

One of my closest friends in the whole universe refuses to read the blog (which strangely enough hurt more than offended me, but I respect her reasons) and one of my videos caused us to have an argument. Awkward.

I can no longer deny that I have a shopping addiction.

Finally …….

The quality of my dates has diminished so much the last time I went out with a guy I was convinced that MTV had re-commissioned Punked and Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out and put me out of my misery.

Alas Ashton didn’t appear.

The date ended (disastrously) and later that evening I received a text that read….

‘You’re not gonna blog about this are you?’

* sigh *

The fact that I’ve been on many dates that have left me wanting to stab myself with my fork could indicate something about my character. Is the problem with me? Or is it just that all my suitors are moist?

So I conducted some independent research a.k.a sent message sent to a few of my BlackBerry messenger contacts. All the women seemed to have on average five dating horror stories. One of my contacts went out with a guy who spoke about himself the entire night. Apparently he plans to be Britain’s first Obama/Richard Branson hybrid * rolls eyes *. After spending the evening demonstrating that Kanye’s ego isn’t that big, he ended the date with the words…

‘Wow I’ve had such an amazing night, to think I was tryna talk to your friend. You want to come to my place?’

On the flip side the men had fewer horror stories but the fact they had to pay for the company of a woman as dry as toast, meant their horror stories carried a financial burden that made it even more painful to recollect.

So my independent research proved it’s not me! There is just an abundance of moist men/women that are causing good people to contemplate giving up dating forever. Forever? For-ever ever, for-ever ever.

I do hope when the Tories get into power and make a further mess of New Labour’s mess, Cameron’s first move will be to add ‘How to Behave on a Date’ to the school curriculum. But that’s probably not going to happen.

As Henpecked’s been absent for a while I thought I’d call him and we’d collaborate on a blog entry.

HOW TO BEHAVE ON A DATE – ESPECIALLY IF IT’S THE FIRST ONE

CHRISTIANA AND HENPECKED’S DATING POLICY THAT EXISTS IN THEIR IMAGINARY AUTHORITARIAN STATE THAT THEY RUN WITH THEIR CLOSEST AMIGOS

1) The point of a date is to get to know the other person. Getting to know a person involves Googling them and stalking their Facebook page. However getting to know a person in real life means you need to have a conversation. Think dialogue, not a monologue. You ask a question, listen to their answer and respond appropriately. If they’re as boring as this years X Factor Top 12 just do my dating on autopilot routine a.k.a SNLQ’

‘Smile, Nod, Laugh, ask a Question’

Never fails.

2) Some people (men) struggle with having conversations with someone they kinda/maybe/probably/sometimes/almost like.

Here are a few topics you can never go wrong with.

‘Obama’ ‘Her’ ‘Music’ ‘Gok Wan’ ‘The New SATC movie’

Be careful with Gok Wan/SATC you need to find a creative way about speaking about them so she doesn’t question your sexuality

Avoid topics of a sensitive nature. e.g. ‘Abortion’.

3) You are on a date. Not at a therapy session. Don’t tell them about all your exes. No one likes anyone with a lot of baggage.

4) If you’re not paying for the food, exercising your right to complain about it will make you look spoilt.

5) Don’t get drunk.

6) We’re aware we live in modern times where people have done away with traditional moral values because they desire to have the freedom to express themselves. But ladies if there’s anything you take from this policy, Never sleep with a man after the first date. Why? Because it is not in your long-term interests.

7) This is the post-feminist era, so forget the feminists and their issues with subjects that normal women never cared about. Men! Behave in a chivalrous manner. It will only put you in stead. This extends to your behaviour after the date. If you don’t drop her home, ensure you send her a text/call checking she got home safely.

8) Make sure you smell good.

9) Ladies! Unless he pulls a Polanski manoeuvre e.g. tries to molest you, make sure you’re as polite as possible. Men get nervous too and sometimes their nerves make them do stupid things. Act like you’re enjoying yourself, it helps.

10) Lipstick on teeth. Never Good. Stick to lip gloss if you often have incidents that make you look like you’re a vampire.

11) Approach each date with the tabula rasa mentality. Act like you’ve never had a bad experience. Be a dating Virgin. It’s unfair to try the person sitting opposite you for another man/woman’s crime. Make sure you turn up with the intention of having a great time and a great attitude.

12) Turn your mobile off *

* There was massive disagreement about this rule. I don’t want this in simply because I keep my phone on in case I need to text my friends/family for help. It’s a safety issue. However Henpecked thinks keeping my phone on means I’m not following rule 11. Personally I think all the women reading this know switching one phones off could be potentially stupid, I advocate putting it on silent.

13) As much as all these rules are helpful, some of them may be redundant when applied to your individual scenarios. In that case make use of the ultimate rule – Pay Attention.


Peace, Love and Twitter.com/Christiana1987

Blame it on British Telecom

I hate excuses. They're simply tools of the incompetent to build monuments of nothingness.

However, the blog entry I intended to upload today can't be....and I'm livid.

I woke up this morning, in order to upload the piece I had written and BT Broadband decided to act like one of those absentee fathers on Maury Povich. It just refused to work.

I tried to play IT Tech support and fix the internet myself.

Epic Fail.

I despise calling customer service departments. I'm convinced all the corporations have had a secret meeting where they colluded and decided to instruct their support departments to frustrate the consumer to the point they contemplate punching a wall.

But I had to call someone......

So I did.....

And it was a wasteoftime.com

I was on the phone for over 45 minutes only to be told that I won't have internet access for 48 Hours.

So I'm slightly irate to put it best. It's not just the fact that I'm going to be cut off from e-humanity for two days.

It's also the fact that.....

1) For a chunk of the 45 mins I "spoke" to an automated voice that kept asking me stupid questions that required me to press a number, to take another inconsequential step
towards speaking to someone who had failed to take the class "People Skills 101"

2) I had to unscrew that white box that you plug your phone line into in order for them to do a test that we failed because I still don't have the internet.

3) When I finally did get through to someone I don't believe they had a firm enough grasp of the English language to give me a decent service. I don't ask for great because that would be too much to ask. I ask for decent and I didn't get that.

I don't really care about companies offshoring their labour, since I don't intend to do the kind of job that can be offshored (individualistic, I know but today the socialist in me is too annoyed to rear her head). But if you're going to offshore labour make sure your relentless pursuit of economic profit does not erode your levels of efficiency and the relationship your brand has with its customer.

4) They had the audacity to ask me if I wanted an email sent "outlining the steps we'd just taken in case the problem happens again". I responded that would be nonsensical and waste of my time because the steps didn't work. Why would I re-do a process that failed? To amuse myself?

Upon hearing that my mum (who was sitting next to me) shook and her head in a kind of "my daughter is bonkers Jesus please save her" way that she often does. The man on the other end sounded like he was contemplating hexing me.

Now I feel like bringing arms house to BT's Mums house.

* exhales *

So that's it, I can't upload my rant but hopefully I'll get the internet fixed in the next couple of days. I'm here furiously typing on my BlackBerry, watching "The Hills" which is oddly quite calming. These girls are funny.

Sidebar: What on earth does Heidi see in Spencer?

Ok! On a more positive note. Tomorrow is Saturday. And Saturday's are always great just because they're not Monday's.

Have a fabulous weekend.

Fingers crossed, I'll be back on Monday.

Peace, Love and Tweets