So I Tweet....

I've got a confession

www.twitter.com/Christiana1987

I know

* hangs head *

I gave in.

Despite all of my ethical objections with everything that Twitter represents. I joined. I am one of the many twits, that regularly tweets because apparently our lives are that interesting.

Why did I give in? Well broadly for two reasons.

a)It makes sense considering what I do and what I'm trying to do
b) I was a victim of peer pressure

I am disappointed in myself. I've always had this thing about rejecting or at least questioning the status quo. My decision to comply to this entertainment industry norm obviously destroys any revolutionary credentials I could have claimed to have. * sighs and takes down Trotsky poster *

* So I tweet yeaaahhhh * (sung in the melody of the TLC song 'Creep') and at this point I've been tweeting for just over 12 hours. I still don't completely get it, but I like it. I thought I'd hate it but I don't. I remain completely baffled by the interface, enraged that my DemonBerry won't download uber twitter, perplexed that 800,000 people care what Sarah Brown does in her spare time and further convinced that George Orwell was a prophet. However I think I'm going to ride this twitter thing out. Well until the next social utility comes along that's floated on the stock market at an over inflated value and thousands of sheep sorry people proceed to sign up daily giving Big Brother less work to do.

The draconian word limit means that I'm exposed to less idiocy than Twitters older brother (Facebook). That can only be a good thing. I am sure you can all testify to the fact that in the last 6 months Facebook has become the online version of that Secondary/High School your parents would rather die than let you attend. So perhaps it was time I transferred to an instuition where logging in didn't mean I was exposed to countless meaningless quizzes promoting soft pornography and bad music.

I like Twitter, but I still thinks it's a bit weird. Yesterday I made an off the cuff comment during a BBM debate with a friend as to whether Blackberry's were male or female. In defence of my thesis I stated...

'Blackberry's are blatantly female! We touch and fondle them 24/7, but only appreciate them when ish happens and we desperately need access'.

Before I knew it, he'd copied and pasted it, tweeted it and as far as I know it's still making the rounds being 'retweeted'. Strange but funny.

So that's it, I not only have a Facebook, Youtube, MySpace (not really, Myspace was cremated by Twitter), Blogspot account, but now I've joined Twitter.

Follow me. It should be fun : )

I was supposed to blog for much longer today, but something came up. I'll definitely be back tomorrow (believe me the occurrences over the past few weeks mean I've got a lot to say) in the interim period.....I guess you can just follow me for 'mini-rants' ?!

Peace, Love and Peer Pressure

22 and a half....

Last week I turned 22 and a half. Not quite a milestone but I technically don’t need a real occasion for a celebration ergo I took the liberty to treat myself to a ‘It’s 6 months to your birthday!’ present.

Sidebar: I would tell you what I bought but you know when you buy something and it appears so opulent, you’re compelled to tell people it’s a gift just so you don’t look self-indulgent and insensitive to the recession? Yes it was that sort of gift.

I’m aware some of you are shaking your heads because I buy gifts for myself but my friend read a book and the woman who wrote it (who is now divorced so I’m not sure she’s the best authority on relationships….) claimed that women should reward themselves with small gifts for small victories in life.

Which is obviously nonsense but I use it as an excuse because 9/10 people buy it.

Sidebar: Buying small gifts for yourself for doing things you should be doing already only reinforces the ‘me, me, me, I deserve it’ mentality that breeds narcissism and eventually causes credit crunches. Logical leap? Of course, but you get my drift.

The truth is I bought the gift because I wanted it. However but the fact I’m writing a blog about my age is a small victory.

Up until a few months ago I was in denial I was even in my twenties.

I loved being 19. I honestly believe for a woman 19, 21 (and 40) are the sexiest ages to say/claim you are......

‘So how old are you again?’

Says (significantly) older gentlemen aware the answer could have potentially huge ramifications.

’19’

Answers precocious teen with a naughty smirk.

Significantly older gentlemen looks slightly embarrassed, but he’s more embarrassed that precocious teen can see the naughty thoughts flashing thorough his mind.

But telling someone you’re 22? No fun.

Apart from the fact it’s the same number when reversed (and the next time I’ll be a mirror age is 33) there’s nothing great about it.

Now despite the fact I intend to be 22 until I turn 25, I have truly embraced the fact that I’m getting older. And unless you’re a waste man/woman with no prospects, ambition or focus, with age comes responsibility.

In the last few years I’ve passed that pleasant stage of life where my conversations revolved solely around

a) The next party

b) Some guy who I was absolutely infatuated with but I was too blind to see would rather fork stab himself than be with me

c) What I was going to buy next

Not that I don’t still talk about what I’m going to buy next. I’ve chronicled my (deliberate) failure to overcome my shopping addiction extensively. However the Guvna’s decision (love you dad!) to (permanently) severe my allowance post graduation has not only left a huge void in my current account but also meant I’ve had to think about some serious questions.

Questions like…..

1) I know money matters, but is the fact I’d rather do what I love and be poor, then do what I hate and be a millionaire, madness?

2) Since saving/budgeting/thinking before spending has been a foreign concept for my whole life, is there some sort of government sponsored initiative that teaches these principles?

3) After reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad (for the second time and failing to finish it because I wanted to know exactly how the rich dad made his money, not some abstract vague moralistic tale with the omission of hard facts, figures and crucially evidence…)

Apparently I’m supposed to make my money work for me and not work for money surely my shoe/clothing allowance can be placed in the investment column?

4) I come from three generations of women who have worked (three hurrahs for Nigerian feminists). Since my childhood my parents have drilled into me that I have no option but to work harder than my peers, showing discipline and diligence all the time. The whole WAG mentality e.g. marry a rich man and spending the day spending his money, is a lifestyle diametrically opposed to everything my parents have taught me. The idea of sitting at home and having out babies intermittently is my nightmare.

Sidebar: No offence to housewives, but I’ve only been exposed to women who are housewives and bring in an income.

Consequently I’m very career driven. In fact my career (after my family/relationships) is my only priority. However if I continue to make my career my boyfriend am I at risk of ending up with a beautiful closet, successful career, shrivelled ovaries, 20 vibrators but no one to share my life with?

5) On the other hand, the idea that a woman cannot be extremely successful and have healthy relationships a fallacy that many women have wrongly bought into?

6) I went out to dinner the other day and the girls present couldn’t stop talking about having children in a few years and the witches made me feel bad because in a few years I’d rather buy a house and have a career. Therefore when I eventually decide to lose my figure and forgo vaginal tightness for maternal duties at least my children will be in a financially stable environment…. does that make too much sense?

7) If God were a woman, would people stop worshiping him?

8) Will I get to an age when people will stop making comments about my (admittedly fluctuating) weight?

9) Bar my parents (and a few exceptions) I don’t know many couples that make me want to get married. Sadly I think a successful marriage is pretty unfeasible in a modern context. According to statistics by age 40, half of my peer group will be divorced or miserable. Did Samantha have the right idea?

Sidebar: Of course Samantha didn’t have the right idea. Being 50 and bed hoping is just plain nassssty.

10) Most friendships are ephemeral but what do you do when can see/feel you’re losing a friend you hoped you’d have for life? Do you hold on or let go?

11) It’s my dream in life to one day track down Lauryn Hill and persuade her to make more music. Is there someone out there who has the passion to track down 80% of the singers in the charts and persuade them to do the opposite?

12) MJ’s passing has made me realise that we don’t treasure the things we have until we lose them. So maybe I should just enjoy being 22…and leave it as that? * smile *

….

So yes, those are some of the questions that have been passing through my mind. Some of them will be answered eventually, but I’m coming to think it’s not so much about getting an answer, the real beauty is in lessons I will learn during the journey.

Peace, Love and Learning Curves.

Pay fo yo Food!

Happy Friday!

Apologies for the spelling 'errors' in the post title....I just felt like using ebonics. I've got a(nother) job interview * sighs * . I'm a South Londoner who often drops consonants ergo I'm getting it out my system before I have my interview.

Sidebar: Did I mention to you guys that I did get that internship in the end? But then it got cancelled because of the recession? Long story, whole different blog entry!

Enjoy the video, as usual, Subscribe, Share, Comment!

For all the women reading (and men who want assistance in shopping for their girlfriend's) I want to shamelessly promote a site that I know is going to be absolutely huge and you'll all be able to say you heard it here first. It's called Find Me A Dress and is basically a website that scours the high street for you to find that perfect dress. All you have to do is input your size, style preferences, the occasion, your price range and then voila, you're presented with everything (decent) the high street has to offer.

I'm actually shocked that this is the first site of its kind and I'm promoting it because not only is it a brilliant idea but the founder is a friend called Yvette Snowden.

Sidebar: She's only 22! Fabulous, fierce and entrepreneurial.

The site literally just launched and she would like 500 sign up's for the newsletter by the end of this weekend. I think we can manage that can't we? No? Need an incentive? Sign up for the newsletter and you automatically get entered into a draw to win an A/W Gucci handbag. Don't act like you don't love some freenesss * grins *

www.find-me-a-dress.com

Anyhow! Let me stop! I actually can't see through this new fringe and yep you guessed it, I'm running late.

My gosh! Before I forget! I'm going to be on BBC 1xtra this Saturday at some point between 3-5 pm. It's a show called UTakeover and the hosts are Ben Benjamin (one of the smartest and most impressive women I've come across in a long time) and DJ Semtex. I don't know what the whole show is about but I know they grill PM Gordon Brown. Then at some point you'll hear me giving my opinions on the education system . LOL! It'll probably be for only like 20 seconds but I just thought I'd let you all know.

Ok! I'm really going to stop!

Have a fab weekend, till Monday.

Peace, Love and Balmain

xxx

The (suprisingly) Pleasant Reunion

I got invited to a cocktail party the other night and ran into a woman with whom I have a bit of an uneven history with. Actually let me be really honest, prior to the other night, we couldn't stand each other. Our dislike goes back to circa 2005 when she happened to go out with an old friend of mine. Back then I was convinced she was allergic to common sense and she was convinced I didn't like her (I didn't) and so she in turn disliked me.

Since happenchance chose to allow our paths and I've grown up a lot since 2005 I figured I’d approach her and say hello.

Sidebar: Just by consequence of who I am and more importantly used to be (one of you guys wrote a comment a while back comparing me to marmite lol) I've burnt/exploded quite a few bridges in the past. Having enemies is overrated. I'm at a stage of my life where even if we can’t be friends I’d prefer us to have some sort of civil relations. A bit like Egypt and Israel….except I have no intention of ending up like Sadat.

So I approached her, she was surprisingly warm and then proceeded to compliment/congratulate me on my blog.

Sidebar: Like all women I'm a sucker for compliments.

Astounded she reads literature that isn't accompanied/explained by pictures I decided to continue the conversation.

We then got talking and somehow we got onto the topic of exes. When I asked her why she split up with my friend and she said something simple yet in all its simplicity it resonated with me.

'Christiana sometimes you have to walk away, even if it's harder than staying'

Astounded. For the second time.

At that point I wasn't completely convinced that she’d changed and concluded even a broken clock is right twice a day.

But we kept talking. Then she was so kind to buy me a mojito. One mojito, two mojitos, three mojitos, four.

Sidebar: In these dark economic times please get your drank on if that’s what it takes to prevent you jumping in front of my train and disrupting my journey. Keep in mind that the Jamie Foxx alibi will only give you so much leverage. You cannot blame everything on the alcohol.

Around mojito numero dos (I think) we began speaking about the fact that many women (and men) stay in relationships/bizarre arrangements even though they know they're undervaluing themselves by being there. Sometimes they’re undervaluing themselves because the other person isn't good enough. Sometimes the other person genuinely can’t handle the rights and responsibilities that come with a relationship. But most of the time it’s because both parties need to learn how to be single, happy and secure within themselves before they get in a relationship.

I then began to tell her about the countless emails I get from people about their relationships and despite the diversity in ages, classes and races there is an overall pattern in occurrences.

One of the most popular phrases that people use to conclude their relationship post mortem is…..

"The signs were there early on but I ignored them"

Or

"Looking back there were clues that he/she was (insert insult of choice)"

As the cocktail party was as dead as the new ‘Sugababes’ line-ups chances of success.......*

We decided to cement our newfound friendship by typing (on my deranged Blackberry,which spontaneously presses the '0' and '7' key) the Top 10 signs people notice but choose to ignore.

Now I'm aware that the reconciliation of myself and a former foe suggests that all things are possible. However there are some relationships that have as much as chance of winning as me running against Ussain Bolt.

The Top 10 signs you need to leave a relationship.....unless you want it to end disastrously....!

1) They tell you they don't want to commit

2) They tell you they don't want a relationship

3) All your closest friends and family have concluded they're the anti-christ.

4) You're tired of trying to change them

5) You're trying to change them

6) They told you they're not ready

7) You have massive doubts that you channel by biting your nails and screaming at the homeless

8) Women:- They make you cry (weekly)
Men: - They cause you utter the words "I hate me" (daily)

9) You've split up/made up so many times everyone (including you) is confused with your relationship status. A bit like the Sugababes.

10) You know it’s going nowhere

Peace, Love and Reunions

Xxx

*I’d like to take the chance to wish Keisha Buchannen all the best with her solo career hopefully she gets the success she deserves. By the way to the management who made this brilliant decision, please stop taking the liberties. Disband the current line up or rename them ‘Revolving Doors’.

What is Cheating?

Happy Monday!

Hope you all had a good weekend! Mine was pretty uneventful until….

Last night I got a phone call from an old friend (who I'll call Madame Meddler) that blatantly makes no effort to maintain the health of our relationship. I only hear from her if …….

a) There's a party
b) It's one of our birthdays
c) There's drama.

That's it! However I have a lot of love for her and we go waaaaaayyy back, so I forgive her trifling behaviour.

So what did she want? Well she wanted my advice as to whether she needed to stage an 'intervention'. Basically a friend of hers who isn't a friend of mine but I know of (the power of Facebook) has a boyfriend who is apparently cheating. Apparently being the operative word! Madame Meddler wanted to know how she should go about breaking the news.

Personally I would rather relax my own hair in a sauna whilst suffering from thrush * shudders * than inform someone that their partner is cheating. I don't know which is worse, telling someone that their partner's cheating or informing them that their body odour is the reason no one wants to go on holiday with them….. I digress.

Informing someone that their partner is cheating is one thing but if it emerges that the accusation was inaccurate, it is the surest way to ensure someone brings arms house to your mum's house.

So I asked her the following questions.....

1) Have you got photographic/textual/video evidence?
2) Do you have at least three eyewitness accounts from individuals that have never been incarcerated, caught trafficking weave or promised you guest list then fallen through? *
3) Are you sure this isn't one of those things you made up or stories you've embellished for dramatic effect?

* Random litmus test, but believe me it works.


And then she dropped the bombshell.

He technically hadn't cheated yet!

I almost spat out my food.

'So you're telling me that I've been offering counsel when this is all in the hypothetical realm?'

At this point I realised why we don't speak more often. It's her illogical tendencies.

I've realised that individuals labelled as illogical are illogical according to the rules of normal humans who enable the world to operate. People like Madame Meddler (though I love her dearly) use a completely different kind of logic (what we would call illogic or nonsense).

So I asked her to slowly take me through the mental process that led to the conclusion that this man was 'cheating even though he hasn't cheated yet'.

Her response (at this point she was shrieking)

'CHRISTIANA technically he hasn't cheated, but he has all the intents and movements of a cheater. Yeah they haven't had sex BUT he's practically having an emotional affair'

So then I asked her how 'practically having an emotional affair' (emphasis on the word practically) is tantamount to actual cheating


Sidebar: You may have ascertained that Madame Meddler is a drama queen. Anyone familiar with this breed of human will realise there's nothing worse than making a drama queen believe that she's being dramatic. For your (long run) peace of mind you often have to humour drama queens.

According to her extensive research nothing physical has occurred between the two parties (so technically the 'culprit' is in the clear) but the 'cheater' speaks to his 'other woman' on the phone every day. Furthermore they've been on numerous dates and he's made a number of suggestive statements alluding to the idea that he would dump his girlfriend if he needed to.

How does Madame Meddler know all of this? It's a small world and errrbody knows errrrbody.

Has the guy in question cheated?

Well I do think cheating is anything you can't do freely and openly in front of your partner. So if he were my boyfriend there would be an issue. However the whole 'cheating' line is pretty arbitrary and more crucially relative to the people involved. Some people deem flirting as cheating whilst others view cheating as any form of sexual contact. If we all used Madame Meddler's logic, you could call someone a cheat simply on the basis of their thoughts or intentions. We don't live in a world where we penalise people for what they intended to do, were about to do or what they thought about doing. We penalise them for what they actually did!

Personally I think the guy is going through one of those 'stupid phases' that many men and women in relationships go through when they momentarily entertain somebody else because they fail to fully appreciate the person they have. Like 90% of the people that go through stupid phases, he'll soon get over it. He'll realise he's got a great woman already, delete this new chick from his mind and they'll live happily ever after (until they split up).

Contrary to Madame Meddler's accusation I'm not trying to absolve this young man of any blame. Although he hasn't cheated he has clearly violated two other relationship norms that I think come hand in hand. Transparency and Honesty. In that case, instead of telling her friend that her boyfriend is cheating, she should have a conversation where she lists her findings and suggests to her friend that she 'check her man'.

Or (my preferred option) she should mind her own damn business and see how it pans out!

However she disagrees. She's adamant he's a cheater and wants to spill the beans * rolls eyes *

I think that if she bulldozes in with such an accusation she's going to blow a minor (or potentially major) situation out of proportion and she could be the catalyst in allowing a man to be tried for a crime he's yet to commit.

As we were unable to resolve this issue bilaterally we thought we'd get you guys to weigh in.

So what say you?


Peace, Love and Habeas Corpus

xxx

Be Careful Who You Tell Your Secrets To!

Happy Friday!

I actually wasn't going to do a video today but I literally just filmed this after receiving a rather shocking Facebook message, which made me think 'What the hell is wrong with people * cough women cough* nowadays?' I won't spoil the content just check it and let me know what you think!

I'm going to see Jay-Z supporting Coldplay this weekend (ooooohhh-weeee) it should be a pretty crazy gig. I'm yet to see either act live so I want to see if their material stands in a stadium setting, I have a feeling it will!

Right now, I've got about a million things to but before I go I need you all to do me a favour.

I'm really grateful for all the support you have shown me thus far with the written blogs and the continued support as a migrated into videos. At the moment I'm in talks (I hate the term 'talks' it sounds so industry/pretentious) to take it to the next level. So what I need from you all is to demonstrate to the powers that be that you want to see all this * points around head * on your tv, listen to my show on your radio and would buy 'Christiana Rants' the book. *

* I've completed a chunk of the book, I'll put a chapter up in the coming weeks, so you guys can give me your opinion. It's like the blog...but better lol (I would say that wouldn't I??lol). Then again it could be atrocious, hence why I'd appreciate your input : )

So....what I'll need is for you to

a) Keep spreading the word. e.g emailing my posts/videos.
b) Subscribe/Rate/Comment on Youtube. Then get your friends, cousins, aunties, uncles, enemies and exes to do the same.
c) Follow the blog via Google Connect. Then get your friends, cousins, aunties, uncles, enemies and exes to do the same.

At the moment things are going well, but I need to demonstrate that all this *points around head* is sustainable and crucially profitable. So basically I just need all your support as I make my dream happen (how Pageant Queen was that last sentence?)!

Anyway! I need to jet, as usual I'm running late * hangs head * See you all on Monday!

Peace, Love and Light

xxx

Irony or Coincidence? Things that just happen

Good Afternoon!

I have a tendency of leaving things to the lastminute.com. Ergo I’m always in a rush even though two hours prior I had more than enough time. For example right now I’m (supposed to be) on my way to meet one of my closest friends for lunch and I’m probably going to be late even though I shouldn’t be!

However I’ve concluded that I’m (kinda) blameless for my persistent lateness. Why? Well I’m starting to believe that life works in such a way that there are certain things that will always be followed by a ‘coincidental/ironic’ event.

Sidebar: I’ve never bothered to distinguish between irony and coincidence. I often (incorrectly) use them interchangeably, it would make sense to check for the purpose of this blog…but I’m running late. If they’re any of my future employers reading this, I am never late if my presence will help generate income.

What’s brought on this rather fatalistic belief? Yesterday night I had an extremely long yet enjoyable phone conversation with a good friend.

Enjoyable conversation = I wasn’t paying so I took pleasure in knowing Torturous-Mobile gained no sterling from my entertainment.

During the course of our phone conversation we discussed everything from bra inflation to unnecessarily noisy/scary weaves (I think a strawberry blonde weave with blue highlights in the vein of Lil Kim pre-imprisonment is unnecessarily noisy). Then we began to speak about her ex-boyfriend, who behind Judas, Bernie Madoff and Lady Gaga’s ‘stylist’, probably ranks as one of the most fraudulent characters to have lived on PlanetEarth.

My friend’s ex was such a head case a rant wouldn’t suffice. He needs a book. But after spending years terrorising the female gender (so much one of his victims converted to lesbianism), he’s finally got his. Apparently he fell in love with some model and proposed. She then left him for his (now ex) best friend….after he’d bought her a car and a Cartier engagement ring.


Sidebar: I guess this lends credence to Henpecked and Pac Man’s (horrible) theory that a man should never buy anything valuable (i.e things that may appreciate or retain enough of their a value for her to profit if she chooses to sell it when you dump her) for a woman unless she’s been around for nearly 5 years. Here the math. You met her at (insert random age). That random age + 5 makes her less desirable to the outside (male) world. Her awareness of this fact means she’ll stay put and a man won't lose his hard earned cash.

So apparently what comes around goes around. The devilish ex got his comeuppance and by that logic, that woman who stole my seat on the Victoria line, will get bunions.

Some people would attribute such ‘coincidental/ironic’ occurrences to the universe. I disagree. The universe is indifferent. And even if the universe were interested in anything, it would be arrogant to assume it would give a flying French Connection United Kingdom about humans.

So why do such things happen? Well some things just happen. And I know that explanation won’t suffice for many of you because us humans need proper explanations to stop us worrying. But explanations are generally speculative and when humans speculate they’re normally dead ass wrong.

And speculation + typing + trying to apply eye shadow in rush = nonsense.

So I’m going to take the easy way out and choose not to 'explain' this phenomenon….

Some things just happen. Here’s my list of personal fav’s.


1) The moment a woman begins to truly enjoy being single someone suddenly comes along that causes her to change her Facebook relationship status and dispose of her solar powered vibrator.

2) You bought a very expensive item at full-price. The next week it was marked down by 60%.

3) A (once unappealing, unattractive and uninteresting) man gets in a relationship with a (surprisingly good looking) woman who can speak coherently. He instantly becomes appealing, attractive, interesting and his value rockets. Suddenly every single unattached woman in his social milieu is very interested.

4) Your friend who never celebrates their birthday decides this year they’re going to have a massive party. A family member decides to have a wedding, in another city, on the same day.

5) You gave something (you thought was worthless) away…. then you find out it was worth a lot of money.

6) You kept defending a friend in spite of their habit of disgracing themselves. Whilst mid-stream a defence statement, you get a text about something else they’ve said…. about you.

7) They claim they’re not ready for a relationship and a year later they’re engaged to someone else.

8) You lost a lot of weight…but then you need to buy new clothes unfortunately now you’re slim ……but broke.

9) You cursed someone out to a random for about 10 minutes and they turn around and say ‘You know that’s my cousin right?’

10) You bought tickets to see a legend in concert and then they…. (Oops I forgot it’s too early for MJ references, let me give it another year).


Honourable Mention

11) You see a gorgeous individual across the room, you’re making eye-contact all evening. Then you’re finally approached….by their friend who looks like their parents must be siblings.


Peace, Love and Smile : )

xxx

Oh Kanye......

Happy Monday!

I woke up this morning and after meditating, I did my ‘internet run’ *

* Yes you read correctly, I meditate! It has a calming effect, I’d be unbearable if I didn’t.

My internet run consists of reading my favourite newspapers (The Guardian, The Times, The Independent (don’t laugh!), The NY Times), checking my favourite blogs, checking/responding/deleting emails and then for the grand finale I log onto Farcebook.

Today my Facebook homepage was unusually busy and my news feed was clogged up with the same clip of Mr Kanye West behaving like a complete and utter idiot.

For those of you that haven’t seen it, click here.

Inevitably I’ve had numerous discussions about the latest addition to the ‘Kanye Omari West acting like a ignoramus’ archive. These discussions have ranged from hilarious (and very un-PC) BBM exchanges to a Facebook status that has sparked a debate which has bled into my inbox

So what’s my opinion?

I’m a cynic. So if I’m completely honest, I think the stunt was (partly) engineered. I don’t think Taylor Swift or Beyonce’s people had anything to do with it but I think someone connected to Kanye probably encouraged (an already inebriated) Mr West. It’s the music industry, 90% of what’s projected is a carefully scripted creation.

On the other hand the culprit was Kanye West. A man who once compared himself to a deity. Therefore I wouldn’t be surprised if it was engineered solely by Kanye West and his accomplice was his ever-expanding ego.

Sidebar: I am (still) a Kanye West fan. I’m a fan of his art and work-ethic. But I am not a fan of his antics.

Regardless, whether the debacle was engineered or occurred by chance Kanye clearly has a few issues. As chronicled in his (genius but unfortunately auto tune riddled) album 808’s and Heartbreak, in a brief time period Kanye lost the love of his life and his mother died. I don’t believe those events were the cause of his most recent outburst. The public justly believed Kanye was a megalomaniac with no self-control mechanism long before his annus horribilis. If anything his recent personal tragedies only compounded his pre-existing issues and tendency for acting a fool in the name of being passionate about his art.

So I’m sure we’ll agree when I again state that Kanye has a few issues. However as good friend of mine likes to say ‘Please! Everyone’s got issues’. And I agree.

We’ve all got issues and some people’s issues are bigger than others. However the bottom line is using 'issues' or tragedy as a justification for idiocy and mistakes that damage other people has an expiry date. There comes a point in one’s adult life when we have to divorce ourselves from the pain of past, transform our negative experiences into positive lessons, stop making other’s culpable for our behaviour and become personally accountable for our actions.

My parents often complain that people in the West are so coddled and infantilised they think their ‘trivial issues’ are problems and we live in a society where people are so individualistic inconsequential occurrences are blown out of proportion.

Sidebar: If you ever need a reality check about your ‘issues’ (I need them daily!) speak to someone that has survived near-starvation during a civil war and witnessed their loved ones being raped and murdered. It puts it all in perspective.

So Kanye! Get some therapy, put your ego in check and realise you’re only where you are because your fans put you there. So start showing some humility, grace and gratitude!

Anyway!

I guess we can learn all learn a broader lesson from the events at last night’s VMA’s.

Lesson: If you’re ever confronted with a result you’re displeased with ask yourself ‘What Would Kanye Do?’ Then do the exact opposite.

Peace, Love and A Minor.

Preferences and Prerequisites

Happy Friday!

I honestly can't remember the last time I've been this happy to reach the end of a week. * breathes sigh of relief * Anyway! I hope you're all well and all that good stuff.......

The Jazmine Sullivan gig last night was breathtaking. She is the best R&B singer in the game right now.Period. No one can compete. She sings like an incredible electric guitarist. Seriously. Her riffs are mind blowing. That gig will probably rank as one of my Top 5 gigs ever. And I've been to a ton of gigs!

As it's Friday and I'm actually give the blog some structure, here is my vlog for the week! I won't spoil it.....just watch innit lol.

Sidebar: innit was my favourite word as a child but my parents prohibited its use . Now it's my little way of showing my rebellious side. I know pitiful! lol

Since I seem to get more questions about what I'm wearing rather than what I'm saying....The black mini dress I'm wearing in the vid is what I wore to the Jazmine Sullivan gig. It's from H&M, it's their Black Label and part of their mid-season range. It should still be in the shops but they have a very high turnover and each store seems to sell a different stock, so if you want it I'd hurry up! The earrings are vintage and since I often get asked to recommend vintage shops, my recommendation for this week is Marshmallow Mountain, on Kingly Court off Carnaby Street.

Sidebar: I really should stop doing videos when I'm on my way out it only makes me later than I already am.

Hope you all enjoy the video. As ever your constructive feedback is appreciated, spread the word and if you're on Youtube, Subscribe!!!

Peace, Love and VMA's

VV Vintage Entry

Ahhhhhh it's almost Friday. Thank God! This week has been very uneven. Massive highs, big lows and very few moments of in-betweeness. I feel like I've been on a rickety rollercoaster. Regardless it's slowly all coming together and I'm in a good mood because I'm going to see Jazmine Sullivan in concert this evening. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit of a fan. Any woman who is a proponent of busting windows out of cars, is a friend of mine. Her music is therapy, she sings like an angel and I honestly feel she was sent to comfort Lauryn Hill fans i.e real music lovers, whilst they're being tormented by the nonsense that's modern day commercial music.

I haven't paid to attend a gig in.....well ever but I love this girls voice so much I actually paid for a ticket (rather than hustle for guestlist) and the gig is standing only!

As you guys know I write for the incredibly fierce VV Brown's online vintage shop and literally just uploaded by latest entry.

Sidebar: By the way is it just me or is it weird and pretty outrageous that she wasn't nominated for a single MOBO? *rolls eyes at incredibly stupid oversight *

Here's the link.

www.vvvintage.com/blog/2009/09/i-have-nothing-to-wear/

Peace, Love and J * Davey

Listen and Watch!

Sorry I didn’t blog yesterday. It was an absolutely manic day. I took my youngest sister to her first day at Secondary School (I felt like I was leading a lamb to the slaughter, all secondary schools are basically institutions constructed to rob a child of their innocence). Then I ran in five-inch heels to catch my train for a job interview. Consequently I have bleeding blisters.

The interview went well until the numerical test. Let’s just put it this way, the only (4) questions I could answer were those that read along the lines

‘If an item costs £26.50 at sale price and was marked down by 40% what was its original price’

Let’s move on swiftly!

Yesterday Henpecked called me to ask why I’ve ‘stopped writing those rants that help women act less insane and help men feel like the world is a safer place’. After scrolling through the past few entries and realising it has been a while, in honour of my dear friend Henpecked I thought I'd write today's entry.

The life- transforming lesson.

I’ll never be an expert on the male gender but in the last few months I’ve learnt a life-transforming lesson. Seriously, life-transforming. This lesson is bigger than Obama + Carrie Bradshaw + The New Whitney album to the power of infinity.

Hyperbole? Obviously, but you get my point.

Since I’m you’re all tense from anticipation (sure…) let me reveal what I’ve learnt.

I have learnt that unless a woman is dealing with a psycho man-bitch with a multiple personality disorder that couldn’t be honest if the health of his hairline depended on it, most men’s true intentions can be deciphered by employing a dual strategy.

Strategy 1: Listen to what he says.

Strategy 2: Watch how he behaves.

That’s it. I could end the rant right there. No need to expound further. Those two lines were perfect. Tight. As perfectly tight as Brandy’s braids circa ’96 (ouch).

But since my sister complained my rants are too short, I’ll keep it going….

Strategy 1: Listen to what he says.

Recently I was having a conversation with a close friend of mine where I was picking his brains in order for him to help me solve a dilemma relating to the male species.

Sidebar: It’s funny how we often pose problems to our friends in order for them to ‘help’ us solve them but we’ve already made a decision about what we’re going to do, all we want them to do is validate it?

Prior to our conversation I was convinced that I was dealing with a man whose words were permanently at odds with his actions. By the end of our conversation I had changed my mind. There was no mismatch between words and action, I simply wasn’t listening to what the dude was saying! Well I was listening, but instead of taking things at face value, I was interpreting what he said according to what I believed he ‘really' meant.

Stupid.

Most (if not all) women have used this erroneous methodology at some point. Why? Anyone with a decent IQ level will be aware that about 50% of the statements that come out of a woman’s mouth are not only loaded but motivated by some ulterior agenda/campaign completely disconnected from the statement being made. Women often mean one thing but deliberately say something else.

For example woman’s friend asks ‘so do you like him or not? ’

She responds ‘He’s alrite’

She means ‘I think I love him, I’m on his Facebook profile thrice an hour and I have to bite my hand to stop myself from calling him first’
Unfortunately some women presume men do the same thing.

But they don’t. *

* Some do. But they're man bitches (in unison) 'man bitches don't count'.

‘I’m hungry’ = ‘I’m hungry’

‘I don’t want a relationship’ = ‘I don’t want a relationship’

‘I don’t want to do something for my birthday’ = ‘I don’t want to do something for my birthday and I don’t want you to organise a surprise for me either’

The truth is (honest) men aren’t complex if women listen and refrain from interpreting.

Don’t read between, under or around the lines. That’s the surest way to create problems for self and fall asleep crying listening to depressing R&B music. If he said it, he probably meant it.

Some of you disagree. I empathise. I’m cynic who instinctively doubts what people say so adopting (well believing) this strategy has taken reprogramming.

Strategy 2: Watch how he behaves.

Since ‘watching’ is a relative concept, everyone will interpret watching differently. As you all know in the past I have been a spying (but no prying) advocate. I stand by this stance. But watching isn’t spying. And it definitely isn’t stalking.

Watching is simply paying careful attention to how someone behaves to ascertain if their walk matches up to their talk. Simple.

In conclusion….

If all women and men (I felt like being a bit sensationalist this morning so I thought I’d throw men in at the lastminute.com) used this strategy the world would be a better place. Less heartache, less ‘does he love me drama’ and fewer maths equations like this.

However as easy as this dual strategy is to read and grasp, it’s difficult to apply. I know I’ll be accused of making a crude generalisation but most women (guilty as charged) would rather talk and participate, than listen and watch.

What say you?

Peace, Love and buy this months issue of i-D magazine!

xxx

P.S Thanks for all the graduation congratulation messages. Touching…and I don’t really do touched. Thanks again! For those of you who asked the dress is from asos. Here’s the link for those interested.

I Graduate today......

Today is my graduation. Three years of blood, sweat and tears (well actually none of them really but it just sounds dramatic) will be condensed into a 45 minute ceremony, where people clap intermittently, yawn (a lot), check their mobiles (discreetly) and I wear a gown that covers my dress.

If I had my way I wouldn't be attending my graduation ceremony. I don't like ceremonies. I think they're boring formalities people use to mark occasions that in the grand scheme of things aren't that big a deal. Yesterday I discovered that the scroll they give me will mean nothing and I'll get my real certificate in the post in six months time. It's a bit like when all those artists pick up their Grammy, thank God (even though their music is profane) and their AA sponsor,ramble for two more minutes, then when they go backstage and a runner takes the award off them because they have to give it to the next over-paid, under-talented singer. It's basically certificate fraud. I digress.

I'm only going to my graduation because.....

a) My uni friends (isn't it weird how we refer to them as uni friends, even though now they're our proper friends?) guilted/peer pressured me into considering it.

b) There are some decisions the offspring of ambitious African migrants living in the Western hemisphere will never have a say in influencing. These decisions can vary from their choice of career to choice of spouse. It's really dependent on how much their parents choose to assimilate. Things are changing, but they haven't changed that much. There is a valid reason 99% of Nigerian children living in the UK would never dream of telling their parents to shut up.

Sidebar: The reason is the high risk of premature death caused by a sudden and heavy blow to the head.

I was far too rebellious to ever heed to career advice (my mum's still disappointed I didn't become a doctor whilst my father is holding on to the dream that I'll one day run an investment bank) and my parents don't care who I marry as long as they're a trinitarian with a regular source of income. However there are some battles I value my sanity/life too much to fight. Attending my graduation was one of them.


c) Diversity tip of the month. In (nearly) every single (truly) African household in this country there is a picture hanging on the wall of someone at their graduation ceremony. I don't get why. I don't really care why. All I know is once I went to a house and there was a whole wall filled with graduation pictures (they had 6 unreasonably unattractive kids, who all had undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. Did I mention the parents were PhD holders who also had pictures of them collecting all three of their degrees?)

I'm the first child, so by not turning up to my own graduation I would be essentially robbing my parents of authentic visual evidence that demonstrates to visitors that their kid is clearly smarter. My mother wasn't impressed with my suggestion of wearing one of the church choir robes and taking a picture with a rolled up tea stained A4 sheet of paper as a substitute.

d) Although I was furious to discover I would have to pay to attend my own graduation ceremony, it doesn't really make sense refusing to do something because it conflicts with your 'socialist values' when you're wearing clothes that the proleteriat in some deprived low income nation slaved to make.

e) I often do things that I later realise weren't really a good idea.

f) It was an excuse to buy a new outfit *

* The less said about this new 'outfit' the better, let's just hope the Guvna (love you dad!) doesn't notice that the new shoes I bought for graduation aren't being worn. And the new dress......well I already had it.

Anyway! As much as I'd like to write all day, I'm in a rush and as usual running late. I haven't been up this early in months. I don't function well in the morning and for some reason everything I need has gone missing.

In less than 4 hours I'll be UCL alumni and officially a graduate. I know it should be a 'well done me' moment but I'm just ready to embark on the next phase of my life, so the sooner it's over the better.

I guess today marks the closing of one chapter and the opening of another. Accompanied by 14 guests. Yes you read right. 14 people are coming with me to my graduation.

And you wonder why I rant for a living? Lol

Peace, Love and Robes

Edited to include actual graduation pic....just in case you were interested lol!

The Difficult Woman

Happy Tuesday!

I hope you all had a great bank holiday weekend, I didn’t rant yesterday…because well I don’t write on bank holidays!

Of late I’ve become a bit of a matchmaker. Well not really a matchmaker, I don’t think I deserve that term yet. What actually occurs is that one of my male friends phones me and says….

‘Oi Christiana you’ve got nice friends, why don’t you hook me up’ and if I’m bored, I’ll probably advertise/offer my girlfriend’s services without her knowledge (or permission) using her Facebook page as her dating profile.

Since none of the gentlemen in my life are that deep, they rarely have a character/personality specification and all I’m given is a (rather crude) physical assets checklist. Despite gently reminding them that those living in glass apartments shouldn’t throw bricks they insist I find a woman who match their (ridiculously high) requirements.

Sidebar: If you’re reading, you’re female and one of my Facebook friends I apologise because I’ve probably had some part in your objectification.

Since profile pictures are rarely an accurate representation of a woman’s likeness (don’t gasp you know I’m right) I usually show them tagged photos or photos uploaded when they first join facebook (before they knew that people actually inspected others photos).

A few days ago I was playing ‘Pimp your Facebook girlfriend’ and after meeting my friend’s stringent criteria and narrowing the search down to 5 women *

* His criteria included: No one above 5”6 or below 5”0’
No one who changes their profile picture more than 5 times a day (apparently that’s a sign that a woman’s mentally unstable)
No one with a made up Facebook name e.g. Jane I’mtoosexyforamiddlename Givens

I showed him the first three candidates that made the shortlist. He (rudely) declined them all. Apparently they were the type of woman that only women think are attractive e.g. women like Kate Moss

Then I showed him candidate numero cuatro, but since it’s a very small world he’d already been acquainted with her. When I showed him her picture he grimaced then said….

‘Oh hell no. Not her, she’s far too difficult’

* I make a baffled, disgusted, annoyed and shocked face *

‘Don’t make your face like that, you know what I mean, she’s nearly as bad as you’

I’m used to the constant stream of abuse I receive from my family and friends (they have all made it their personal mandate to keep me in check) so the fact he described her as being nearly as bad as me didn’t bother me at all. What bothered me is the fact that being a ‘difficult’ woman is a bad thing, when personally I think in this day and age being perceived as difficult is something women should strive for.

From personal experience I’ve realised that women labelled as difficult are generally women with their own mind who refuse to conform to misogynistic stereotypes of what women ‘should’ behave like, in order to make anyone happy. ‘Difficult’ women don’t necessarily equate constant headache. Instead they tend to be women who have high expectations of themselves and high expectations of those around them. Consequently they despise mediocrity and are high achievers. However despite advancements in how people perceive gender roles, it seems the world is still only comfortable with alpha-males possessing such traits.

On the other hand due to a myriad of social factors (that I can’t be bothered to outline) there are countless women who are afraid to say no, make demands of men, voice their opinion or question authority. Such women come in various manifestations. In her extreme form she’s the girl that will sleep with anyone (even if she’s not sure she wants to) or in other cases she’s that woman so crippled by insecurity she only hangs around with witches that use her. When you juxtaposition apparently ‘difficult’ women against women with absolutely no social filter or expectations, it makes them look even more difficult than they are, even if their demands are reasonable. In fact in this day and age women are being labelled difficult simply because they have standards.

Now I’m not trying to portray difficult women as misunderstood creatures struggling to be themselves amidst rampant gender bias. Difficult women are hard work. In fact strong, (overly) opinionated women with perfectionist streaks can be as easy to handle as a hungry pit bull whilst wearing mittens made out of steak.

But I believe that difficult women are worth the effort. Why? Well an encounter with an easy woman could leave you with an STI and moderate women, well I guess they’d be the golden mean but they mess up my analysis!

All the men I consider great were raised by difficult (or damn near impossible) women. In fact if all so called difficult women decided to become the easy-going, docile, stepford wife stereotype that weaker vessels are enamoured with, we would have never have had Harriet Tubman, Margaret Thatcher, Oprah, Angela Merkel, Beyonce, Peggy from Eastenders, Golda Meir, Whitney (pre and post crack) or Mariah Carey.

Sidebar: Apologies for the rather schizophrenic selection, all the women listed are personal heroes.

Difficult women make the world go around.

So what’s my point?

Being considered a ‘difficult’ women isn’t necessarily bad thing. If you disagree I don’t care (I forgot to mention difficult women rarely care what other people think of them).

There are so many unattainable images being thrown at women informing them how they should be.

This is beauty * points to cosmetically enhanced actress who can’t remember the last time she ate *

This is the ideal weight * points to an emaciated model with such bizarre physical proportions she can’t be having periods *

This is how you should dress * points to whatever ‘It girl’ the fashion editors are enamoured with *

Consequently all women (regardless of how ‘difficult’ people perceive them) have a difficult game to play. A game that involves grappling with questions of self-acceptance and self-worth whilst being constantly exposed to images that cause you to question whether you’re a contribution.

So! If you happen to come across the ‘difficult’ kind, don’t run a mile. Just remember she’s trying to carve a place in a world where many perceive her greatest strength as her greatest weakness.

Peace, Love and Just Jack.