Buy drinks with caution!

A few months back I wrote a blog entry about witnessing a young man buy a woman a drink and what occurred afterwards inspired me to come up with 'The Drink Policy'. Funnily enough 6 months later women are still drinking then ducking, so whilst up late last night I decided to do a video blog about it. Then after video blogging I washed my face, tied my headscarf and went to bed. I know very glam.

Anyway I hope you like it! As ever constructive feedback is more than welcome. Feel free to agree, disagree, make your gluteus maximus sore from sitting on the fence... it's yo thang, do what you gotta do! Keep spreading the word/subscribing....it's all getting very exciting and I can't wait for the next phase of my 'blogger life' to kick off.

Thanks for all the support by the way! Been inundated with emails which has given me an ego of Movadoian proportions. * sings * 'I'm so special, so special, so special'. I jest. But really thank-you! All the love's much appreciated.

Right! I need to go. I need to find a graduation dress (I tracked down some shoes already, but since they were such a bargain I thought I'd buy another pair....) and I need to buy like 4 birthday gifts. So I'm going to spend the day shopping and I've got a party every single day until Tuesday....so technically I need to find some more clothes.....I'm not a shopaholic....just someone that's doing her bit to bring us out of the recession.

Sidebar: Random fashion tip (sorry guys just for the ladies) for when you can't afford a new outfit but need one. Go out and buy a plain black boob tube that's two dresses sizes above your normal dress size. For example if you're a size 8 buy a size 12 boob tube. Then instead of wearing it as a boob tube, wear it as skirt (H&M do great boob tubes and they're never more than a fiver). It'll be nice and tight and make your bum look pert (black has that effect). Then buy an large white vest in the mens section (will cost you next to nothing). Then go home cut it around the neck section so you get rid of its neckline and across the bottom, so it shows sufficent boobage (but not to much we don't want any Janet Jackson wadrobe malfunctions) and allows people to see you (rather short) boob tube skirt. And by cutting it up you give it a vintage edgy feel. Then put on a ton of bangles, a massive gold chain (hopefully you have one), your blazer and some killer heels. Then slap on some statement lipstick, wear your hair as you please and you're good to go!

Anyway! I need to go!!!!

Peace, Love and Wale!

xxx

p.s sorry for any typos, I wrote this in a rush!!!

Never Steal Clothes.....

I have a man friend. I like him. Actually I like him a lot.

But I don’t like his clothes.

I’m all for expressions of sartorial individuality, however I think we will all agree there are some lines we should do our utmost not to cross.

I’m trying to formulate a concise ideological framework within which I live my life. One of the rules in my personal constitution is that I don’t believe in trying to change people to fit my standards. But we all know there is a permanent disconnect between our ideals and how we end up behaving.

Initially I would subtly and tactfully drop hints.

‘Babes look at this * points to man in GQ immaculately dressed * you’d look great in it, don’t you think?’

His response? A grunt.

When being subtle didn’t work I reverted to my natural disposition, bluntness. I sent web links attached to emails with subject lines that read ‘BUY THIS NOW’

He ignored my emails. All 25 of them.

Then I tried to blend tact and bluntness

‘Babes, you know what I’ve got a great idea, let’s go shopping for you…together’

His response?

‘No Way! You wouldn’t know a budget if it kicked you in the face. I’ll leave Oxford Street with my pockets bleeding’.

Since nothing was working I decided to employ some drastic measures.

‘Babes I love your earring let me see it’*

* I hated the earring. Normally only a hippie on crack would ever entertain such a hideous accessory.

Touched by my ‘genuine’ approval of something he was wearing he handed it over. Instinctively I walked up to a window and threw it into his next-door neighbours garden.

Unfortunately it had slipped my mind that earrings are bought in pairs. Since my man friend takes pleasure in not letting me get my way, the hoops bastard twin lives on.

Then I started to take (stealing is a harsh term) his clothes that I didn’t like and throw them away. I’d wait till he left the room, hide the item in my tote and throw them in bin later on.

I’ve been doing this for the past 3 months.

Yesterday I confessed.

Actually I was caught. I wanted to deny it, but you know when you get so blatantly caught to deny the deed would make you look even more insane than you already seem? Yes that’s how caught I was.

After I confessed (well really I justified my behaviour claiming destroying the worst jeans that Wrangler ever produced was for the greater good) he told me he know all along.

* Shocked silence *

So basically I was trying to outsmart someone and was outsmarted myself.

* Still in a shocked silence *

Not only was it humbling (someone laughing in your face whilst you splutter ‘how on earth did you know all this time and not say anything?) but it taught me a broader lesson.

I could make this a lesson exclusively for women like me. As much as I attempt to divorce myself from the silly (yet funny) things (crazy) women do, I’m just as guilty as the next woman who got her friend to send her regular text updates when she spotted her boyfriend at a club.

Yet the truth is we are all guilty of doing something radical (and potentially illegal) because we really like someone.

Sidebar: For those that the above statement doesn’t apply to, you probably haven’t met someone you like enough. Or maybe you just behave in an ethical manner even when emotionally charged. If you’re the latter, I admire you!

Whether it’s throwing away clothes out of love and kindness.

Deliberately forgetting to tell your girlfriend when her (male) friend (that you don’t like, don’t trust and know wants to be with her) phones her.

Or when questioned halving then subtracting 5 from the number of people you’ve slept with.

Like, lust, love (or in the worst case scenario an intense combination of all three) has the ability to have us saying, thinking and doing things we never believed we were capable of.

Now this should be a rant where I urge you all to learn from my mistakes. Then implore you all to flee from duplitiousness and embrace complete honesty.

However I’m aware that I live in an urban dystopia of which many of you are citizens.

So keep doing what you need to do.

Just don’t get caught!

* Big smile *

Peace, Love and New Boyz!

Xxx

P.S I wish I didn’t have to write this because 95% of you reading this rant got it. But after receiving a 1,000-word email (yes 1,000 words) about how my ideas were poisoning the minds of men I just would like to state this is a blog. It’s not gospel or an attempt to undermine whichever holy book (or holy catalogue) you chose to adhere to. It's not a diktat. It’s just my opinion lol! Mwah xxx

The Type

Yesterday evening a friend called me for relationship advice. Now I do my utmost to avoid arbitrating relationship issues when I know (and like) both individuals involved. People can’t help but lie/embellish/see things solely from their tainted perspective ergo when I’m told a problem I’m getting half-truths + unnecessary details, at best. And since being accountable for your own actions has gone out of style, people turn and blame their source of advice when it starts to go a bit tits up.

After hearing his relationships dilemma and offering as much objective advice as you can when you prefer your friend’s girlfriend to your friend, I went back to looking for a graduation dress online.

Sidebar: I’ve been told that a strapless dress (it comes just above the knee) paired with (very respectable) black stripper-ish platforms is inappropriate for a graduation? True? I’ve never learnt how to dress appropriately; I was raised by a woman who (still) wears 4-inch heels and full African attire to the supermarket.

Recollecting our conversation this morning I realised it was worth blogging about. So here it goes!

The Type

I’m regularly asked (by women trying to make small talk and men trying to figure out if I’m really interested or just being kind) ‘What’s your type Christiana?’ And usually I say ‘You know what I don’t have a type’

Truth is I’m lying. * I have a type.

* I lie less now than I did say two years ago. Just because now I realise when I tell the truth often it annoys people that I find annoying.

We all have a type. We just don’t believe it’s anyone else’s concern but our own so instead of saying what we want to say e.g. ‘mind your own business, unless you’re a magician and can make my type magically appear’, we lie and claim we don’t have a type.

Or since my dad has been complaining about my ‘shoddy and appalling use of the English language’ ……….

Everyone who lives on Planet Earth has a type. You live on Planet Earth. You have a type. Syllogism.

The problem is we often don’t end up with our type. I have a friend who loves millionaires but she’s never been with one. Another friend who likes women who look like Beyonce but only gets with people who act like Sasha. It’s like we never seem to end up with our type.

We may be with someone who’s almost our type, but if you could give me a penny for every time I get an email from someone love struck and depressed that reads…..

‘thing about it Christiana is that he/she is not even my type. When we met it was all a joke because I thought I could never love someone like that’

I’d be a thousandaire. Truism.

(Most) humans can’t seem to attract/keep their type. Don’t believe me? Let’s do an experiment….

Think about your ideal type.

Then think about your last 5 girlfriends/boyfriends/flings/individuals you pretend you never slept with

Mentally list their traits and see how they match against your type.

(You don’t actually have to do this exercise, but I’m trying to make the blog more interactive….)

Now the chances are the last 5 individuals weren’t really your ideal type and they embodied (at the very most) 60% of your desired traits. In fact the probability is there is one person on your list who is diametrically opposed to everything on your checklist.

There are exceptions to the rule. There are some people so blessed and fortunate to find that person that fits them like a glove and was everything they ever dreamed of. However they screw up my analysis so I’m not going to talk about them. For those kind of love stories you’d need to go to a happy blog, such as sodellusionalwedon’tliveinreality.blogspot.com (I made that blog up)

Since I like playing pseudo-psychologist/therapist, after hearing all my friend had to say I told him the real reason he disliked his girlfriend wasn’t because of her tendency to have weave malfunctions at the most awkward times. He didn’t like his girlfriend because his sub-conscious/conscious resented her because she wasn’t his type.

Since it’s the afternoon after the night before, I think my analysis about the source of his resentment was completely wrong, so I’m going to call him (eventually) and let him know. However! I don’t think this renders my theory about people not ending up with their type void.

Now there are number of possible reasons for this phenomena

a) We don’t really know what we want. We just think we know what we want. So when we find someone we actually want, we realise our original type wasn’t what we needed, just what we fooled ourselves into believing we wanted. Confused.com yet? I am…lol

b) Many of us are settling because we don’t value ourselves enough to be with the best (plausible, but a bit depressing so not my preferred choice)

c) We can’t be bothered to be with our real type because if they’re that great, that’s a lot of work

d) No-one’s type actually exists.

e) Our type is already taken

f) We've met our type. But we screwed around for so long, they eventually left us. Now we're with our almost type.

Now normally I end a rant passionately defending my stance on whatever random issue that I chose to write about. But I can’t figure out why on earth people (usually) don’t end up with their type. Is it because of a-f ? Have the God's conspired against us because we haven't united in an effort to stop Madonna gyrating whilst revealing her (unusually muscular) crotch area? Or is there some other reason?

What say you?

Peace, Love and Will Demps

xxx

Bringing Back Real Interactions!

Over the past few months I've been (over)thinking about the substance of my relationships. I'm trying to be a better daughter, sister, friend, cousin, niece, woman (you get my drift). This thought process led to this and today's video blog. As usual I'm not going to expand on the video content, I'll just let you all watch and make up your own minds.

I have a tradition of uploading the videos on Facebook first to test the waters and yesterday quite a few people sent me messages asking me where I got my dress from. For those that want to know I bought the dress from Urban Outfitters and it's by the UK designer 'Johann'. It didn't come with the blue moc croc belt, I bought that at a charity shop.

Anyhoooow! I've got to go, busy day ahead. But! Before I go, if you could please...

a) Subscribe to my youtube channel - it's www.youtube.com/Xiana87
b) Follow my blog! I finally figured out how to add the 'follow' button lol!
c) Spread the word.....and have a fab weekend!

Peace, Love and Star in The Hood

P.S Please support the Tinchy Stryder album and help it get the number one spot. At the moment it's pretty close between him and Calvin Harris. I think they're both incredible artists but I've been a Tinchy fan for years (much to the annoyance/embarrassment of my friends) so I'm rooting for him!!!!

xxx

16 Classic Songs that sound better in the summer

Whilst listening to SWV’s ‘Anything’ on loop all morning I became further convinced that there are certain songs that sound better when the sun is shining. I have no scientific evidence to prove this theory, but I sent BlackBerry messages to a few of my contacts and they all agreed, so it must be a bit true.

Considering I’m a musician before a writer (not that I think I’m a writer, but enough people think I am that I need to deny their assertion or state their assertion then qualify myself) I should really write about music more. However music’s in such a pitiful state, it’s no exaggeration to say it grieves my heart thinking about it.

This could be a rant where I outline what’s wrong with the music industry, but I’m trying to give up stating the obvious and making it seem profound. Ergo I won’t write a rant trying to convince you all that the mainstream music industry is about as healthy as a cancer patient.

Sidebar: On the flip side the UK underground music scene is thriving and full of incredible talent. I could reel off about 20 UK acts that I know personally who are amazing. At the moment I’m heavily endorsing (in no particular order) Jessie, Vula, Tawiah, Tafari Rose, Cherri V, Clement Marfo and the Frontline and The Pangs.

However, what I will do is list 16 classic songs that according to my biased and unsubstantiated research findings sound better that bit better when played on a sunny day.

16 Classic Songs that sound better in the summer

Note: The songs are in no particular order and my list is in no way exhaustive. There are so many other songs I’d love to include, so feel free to make your additions in the shout box/comment section.


1)Skee-Lo ‘I wish’

I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl if I did I would call her….

Need I say more?

2)Lauryn Hill ‘Doo Wop that thing’

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is my favourite album of all time. This isn’t even my favourite track on the album (I’m still torn between ‘Tell Him’ and ‘Miseducation) but I listened to it about two minutes ago and it just felt like musical perfect.

3) Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff ‘Summertime’

Do I really need to explain why this is included?

4) Backstreet Boys ‘Everybody’

I still have a thing for AJ…….

5) Shalamar ‘A night to remember’

Sheer 80s genius!

6) Hanson ‘Mmmmbop’

I still cannot get over how brilliant this song is. A pop masterpiece. Anyone that disagrees try and write a chorus that so cleverly blends onomatopoeia and melody.

7) Sugababes ‘Overload’

In my eyes the Sugababes can do no wrong and it’s because of this song they will always hold a special place in my life.

8)Avril Lavigne ‘Sk8r boi’

I love privileged teenagers who are angry and tormented for no apparent reason

9) Goapele ‘Closer’

Goapele is an underrated singer that most people reading this will probably have never heard of. I stumbled across her music whilst in LA a couple summers back and have had her album ‘Change It All’ on loop ever since.

10) Jill Scott ‘Golden’

Jill Scott is another underrated musical genius. I pray it doesn’t take her death/losing half her body weight and wearing next to no clothing for the world to wake up and really acknowledge the depth of her talent.

11) Nat King Cole ‘Love’

Nat King Cole = Flawless.

12) Stevie Wonder ‘All I do’

I couldn’t compile a list of songs that sound better in the summer and exclude this Stevie joint. Ironically today is actually ‘Hotter than July’, good times.

13) High School Musical ‘We’re all in this together’

I love Disney, I love pop, and I love cheesy dance routines and more than anything I love films that shamelessly promote traditional American values that no one beyond the Bible belt believes in.

14) Jay Z ‘H to the Izzo’

This song contains my favourite Jay Z lines ever …..‘I do this for my culture..’.

Sadly since the Blueprint Jay-Z is yet to release a body of work that even comes close. I heard ‘Kingdom Come’ LP and died a little. ‘American Gangster’ was unable to rectify the damage done to my soul. Nevertheless, crank this joint and reminisce. * Pours some liquor for all the great rappers who have gone astray *

15)Whitney Houston ‘I wanna dance with somebody’

In my head Whitney never met Bobby or did that infamous Diane Sawyer interview. In fact the only thing Whitney did in the last decade that I choose to remember is the ‘My Love is Your Love’ album, in my head she’ll always be perfect.

16) Bunny Mack 'My Sweetie'

African disco classic that reminds me of my childhood!

Honourable Mentions


S Club 'S Club Party'

Michael Jackson 'Off the Wall'

Mary J Blige ‘Real Love’

Oasis 'Wonderwall'


Peace, Love and Sloane

xxx

The Facebook Wall

I recently read a (nother) pointless study, conducted by a bunch of (bored) University professors so they could state the obvious. Not that I mind people stating the blindingly obvious, it’s fun and if you’re getting paid to do so, it’s even more fun. Apparently Facebook increases the level of jealousy in relationships and a lot of this is linked to wall-to-wall stalking. Since most of us have wall-to-wall/status update/photo stalked at some point (tell the truth and shame Lucifer) there’s no real need to explain how we use a legal tool for illegal activity.

Sidebar: I’m not making this study up. Granted I have imaginationed (that’s my new word) a few studies/statistics to lend credence to a far out theory, but this study is real.

Although the research forgot to mention this fact, I’m going to presumptuously expound on their research and state that wall-to-wall stalking isn’t the only source of jealousy. Status updates play a huge part also. Everyone reading this technically cannot stand someone they’ve probably never met because an individual with suspect intentions perpetually clicks ‘Like’ or is compelled to comment on every single one of their significant others/significant others in their head status updates.

Sidebar: All you serial likers, who ‘Like’ every single status update and posted link in order to get to ‘know’ people (in the biblical sense) throat punch yourselves.

I’ve concluded the only way we can purge our generations of its voyeurism and curb relationship jealousy is to do to the Facebook wall what they did to the Berlin Wall. Destroy it. That’s right Mark Zuckerberg must use his power and rid us of the Facebook wall. *

* If you join this campaign (which if successful will contribute to the health of our virtual democracy and mean Facebook goes from being a virtual totalitarian state, to a virtual totalitarian state that sometimes responds to the requests of its citizens) please send an email and in the P.S section please copy and paste the following.

‘ Mark could you please implement a system where (annoying) people are limited to a certain number of status updates per day? Finally if it’s not too much to ask, can we have a ‘Dislike’ button?’

If I’m going to be honest I must admit that I don’t care that much about the Facebook wall causing jealousy in relationships. Any relationship that suffers from frequent convulsions because of Facebook was in trouble long before Sarah wrote on Jimmy’s wall at 4.02 am ‘Jimmy !! SOOOOOOO good to see you tonight. And boy can you still move…hehehe. Hope you got home ok, we should have never had that last drink! Mwah xxx’

Facebook isn’t the cause of relationship friction and jealousy it’s an effect. Or maybe this isn’t a causality argument I’ve never really been able to figure out the whole causality thing. What I am saying is that relationship paranoia, isn’t necessarily caused by Facebook but the jealous person uses Facebook as a tool to validate their pre-existing feelings of insecurity. Facebook exacerbates the problem and because there’s virtual proof, the jealously manifests itself more violently and poof ‘Jimmy and Shelia are no longer in a relationship’. Or in other words Shelia let some innocent wall-to-wall banter destroy a relationship because she was already a bit psycho.

Contrarily I did just receive an email from a young lady who was engaged, shat out two of her fiancé’s children and had what she described as ‘the perfect relationship. We were the couple all our friends wanted to be’. * Long story short, he’s tagged in some pictures with a woman (who I’m guessing was prettier than her or there would have been no need for further investigation). Subsequently she studies their wall-to-wall behaviour pattern and gets enraged. She then manages to figure out his password (men get your password game up) and it turns out that the lady in the picture was his girlfriend. I still can’t get over the fact that in a recession there is a man out there who can afford to maintain a fiancé, a girlfriend and two kids. Although this woman’s situation doesn’t have that much to do with the general thrust of this blog entry…I thought I’d throw this in because it is definitely one of my top 10 shocking emails of the day.

* Relationships 101- never believe your own relationship hype. No couple exists to ensure others believe in true eternal love. That's why we have Obama and Michelle/ Louis and Vuitton. Always keep in mind the John Legend philosophy. You’re just ordinary people. No one has the perfect relationship, so never believe you do…or you’re doomed.

The real reason I want to have the Facebook wall banned is because recently my news feed has been getting clogged up with an unusual amount of unnecessary traffic. I still haven’t gotten to grips with the new Facebook layout, ergo I can’t figure out how to eternally ban wall-to-wall small talk (and stupid quizzes) popping up on my feed. But if I said that at the beginning I knew I wouldn’t be able to get as many people on board. So I thought I’d give my ‘ban the Facebook wall’ campaign an angle that made it seem genuinely altruistic.

So that’s it. Let’s ban the Facebook wall. It causes jealously in relationships, jealously in relationships causes silly arguments. Silly arguments sometimes cause violence. Violence is bad and we need to eradicate it from its root. And according to that logic, the Facebook wall (and Hip-Hop) can cause violence. Since I like Hip-Hop lets pour all our energy into banning the Wall and hope for a time when all small talk/flirting/e-beef stays in the inbox.

Peace, Love and Basic Vocab

xxx

Because Good Men Matter Too!

Hiya!

Hope you're all fab and all that good stuff. I've had a rather hectic week hence the rather sporadic blogging pattern. As a rule, I do my best to blog thrice a week; Monday, Wednesday and Friday. At present it looks like it'll be two written entries and a vlog. However I'm probably going to make the vlog's fortnightly. I do believe there is such a thing as blogging too much and I'm not trying to reach my saturation point before there's some concrete accomplishment on my side!

I have a habit of uploading my videos the night before on Farcebook and the response to this one has been rather interesting. I'll leave you all to decide what you think about the video and oh yes, if you're on youtube, subscribe to my videos, leave a comment, rate, forward! As always your constructive feedback is really appreciated.

I have done my best to gesticulate less, but I've realised I enjoy gesticulating and feel weird when I don't! I think it's the South London in me * clicks fingers and twists head * ...I jest. I gesticulate because there's a part of me that's a drama queen and all drama queen's gesticulate!!!

Alright! I'm going to be off now. I'm babysitting (yes how glamourous) but actually it's relaxing in comparison to what's going to be a hectic weekend. I've always had what some would describe as a 'busy' social calender. And since the blog has started to grow I get invited to a ton of glamorous parties/events/shows. I went to a party a few weeks ago and I kept running into singers/rappers/models, that I'm a fan of. It's all a bit fun, surreal and scary at the same time.

I would love to blog about the celebrities I get to meet because the interactions are normally really entertaining and interesting. The thing is I don't want to be accused of name-dropping. Furthermore I don't want anyone to ever believe that I'm capitalising on the fame of friends (who happen to be in the public eye) to build my blog. More importantly I'm not sure if you guys would necessarily want to read about these bizarre interactions!

Anyway! Let me stop!

Have a beautiful weekend and I'll see you all on Monday.


Peace, Love and theGame

xxx

P.S To everyone that has sent me messages on Facebook/emails and I'm yet to respond please don't be offended. I've got a few 'oooooh so you think you're to big to respond' messages in the last few days. It's just that I get a lot of messages and like to reply properly as opposed to responding in a rather cliched and pretentious manner. I really appreciate anyone that takes out the time to send me a message so please forgive me for the delay, it's not an intentional snub at all!

I Just Wanna Be Successful.....

I’m sorry guys, I haven’t blogged since Monday. You’re all aware I despise excuses but I genuinely couldn’t. Yesterday I had a job interview and I spent a lot of Tuesday prepping for it. Anyhow I’m back now! So here it goes.

‘I don’t want the glow, I want the glory’
Dwayne Carter

My favourite Hip-Hop song of twenty oh nine has to be Drake’s ‘Successful’. The moment I heard the first chord of the song, I fell in love with it. The beat’s haunting, the hunger behind the lyrics is enthralling and the song is layered with contradictions. The song is simultaneously ironic, tragic and inspiring. But that’s why I love the song so much, because just like many others who love this song, I get it.

My only major problem with the song is the crux of the chorus. Apparently acquiring ‘money, cars, clothes, hoes’ equates success. Bat shit. Anyone that truly believes the acquirement of money, cars, clothes and hoes, signifies success or fulfilment is an idiot.

I’ve said this on numerous occasions but I truly believe that the measure of success must never be relative to how much wealth a person acquires whilst they’re on earth. Instead success should be measured by how much a person invests in helping those that need it. In my opinion real success means sacrifice and putting others first. Having material things doesn’t mean you’re a success. It just means you’re either….

a) Wealthy
b) Rich
c) Neither of the above, but up to your eyeballs in debt trying to project to the world you’re a or b.

Wealth and success are distinct entities and the possession of one does not necessarily mean you have the other. Society’s greatest successes aren’t the celebrities whose images we’re bombarded with on a daily basis. The real pictures of success are the silent heroes, who labour quietly and are often poorly paid and rarely acknowledged. The grandmothers who step in and raise their grandchildren rather than see them in foster care. That nurse who reassured you before your operation. Schoolteachers who with encouraging words prevent a child’s future from being marred by tragedy to one crowned with achievement.

In light of my redefinition of success if we examine the content of the song carefully, what the Drake song should say is…..

‘Money, cars, clothes hoes….I just wanna be, I just wanna be, accepted’.

Because that’s what the song is really about: the human need for acceptance. It’s the need for acceptance that drives many in their journey towards worldly success.

On some level we have all imbibed the perverse messages about success that the media, society and some of our parents taught us. Our vision is so tainted and blurred, that we celebrate people with ‘success’ without even questioning whether they acquired their money ethically or have any intention of making a difference with their spoils.

In fact in this day and age, it’s not really about concrete success but being perceived as successful. Sub-prime mortgages, wardrobes full of clothes bought on credit/store cards, driveways of McMansion's filled with SUV’s bought on hired purchase all part of doing all we can, so people view us as a success. Despite the lessons that could have been learned from the credit crunch, many of us are still on a futile hustle. Ever striving to make it and buy that status symbol which will prove to the world that we have indeed arrived.

I’m not anti-ambition I know the positive impact that entrepreneurship and wealth creation has on communities. I don’t mind people wanting nice things and being driven, directed and hard working in order to get them. I’m simply anti-materialism and the message that material things validate a person’s existence.

This isn’t a blog entry written from the moral high ground. I’m just as infected. At 21 I vowed to own a Birkin. Yet considering the fact I’m only here because my parents were one of the fortunate children to survive the brutal Biafran Civil war, you’d think I’d pour my energy into genocide prevention. But I don’t. I shop instead.

So when ‘Successful’ popped up on my play list this morning, it sparked a thought process. I began to think about the false messages that people have imbibed and led them down roads that have proven hazardous to their well being.

Ironically the things we’re told give us value bring us misery rather than happiness (didn’t the late great BIG say mo’ money, mo’ problems?) yet since we’re too afraid to question the status quo, things are unlikely to change.

So what’s the point of this entry?

Since my ‘turning 22 existential crisis’, I’m on this journey where I attempt to purge myself of the various falsehoods that I once accepted as gospel. So I’m thinking that maybe it’s time we begin to question and actively challenge what we’ve been told is success, beauty and happiness. And after we’ve cleansed our minds of jacked up ideals, we carve our own paths and make our dreams a reality. Our way.


Peace, Love and Persistence


xxx

The Phone Rules

Happy Monday!

My phone is (again) being molested. It’s being molested by individuals I gave my number to due to pity, embarrassment, shock and the influence of my dear friends Malibu and Coke (don’t gasp, you know you’ve done it a few times yourself).Consequently, I’m actually avoiding my phone because every time I pick it up 40% of the time there’s some idiocy afoot.

I should really change my mobile number. However T-Mobile (I hate them) take great pleasure in making my life a misery. Therefore I suspect whatever demon controls their call centre would ensure that something as simple as changing 11 digits goes disastrously wrong.

In the last few months, I’ve been doing this new exercise where I set myself a personal goal which if attained will not only serve to improve my character but help my loved ones, dislike me less.

The target I put on my vision board for July was to ‘stop complaining’. And my August goal is pretty much an extension of that idea, above my vision board it reads......

‘Bitch! Stop bitching! Create and Implement a workable solution!!!!’.

So as a part of my campaign against phone molestation and other crimes committed against humans via mobiles I thought I’d come up with some ‘phone rules’ that would undoubtedly help humanity if ever enshrined in human rights law.

Sidebar: A few months back I formulated the rules for texting, if you haven’t read it already click here!

The Phone Rules

1) If it is not your mobile number you have no right to give it out. Only give a mobile number if you have expressed permission from the owner.

2) Ceteris Paribus…

1 missed call, no response = they’re busy.

2-5 missed calls no response = they’re extremely busy

5 missed calls no response = they don’t care how urgent it is, they just don’t like you. Stop phoning.


3) Don’t ever drop the phone on anyone. That is the height of rudeness. If your way of expressing how annoyed (and immature) you are and 'winning' an argument, is to drop the phone whilst the other individual is still speaking, lose your mobile.

4) I don’t care how long you’ve been friends for, if your friend of the opposite sex is now in a relationship, no calls after 1 am. *

* Unless someone has died, overdosed or urgently requires a kidney.

5) If a text will suffice, no phone calls after midnight.

6) If you’re one of those individuals that only 'flashes' and never pays for phonecalls yet has the audacity to become annoyed when people don’t call you back when you want them to. Punch yourself.

7) If another call is that important, rather than making a person feel unimportant by placing them on hold , politely inform them that you’ll call them back.

8) I know claiming you’ll call someone back makes you feel less bad when you’re trying to get someone off the phone prematurely, however not delivering on promises is insulting. Word is bond, so if you have no intention of calling back, don’t promise you will.

9) However! If you have a ‘bugaboo’ who you’ve been trying to get rid of for a long time but they persist in calling you all the time, 8 does not apply to you. Furthermore whenever they call you, pick up the phone, speak for 30 seconds, then place them on hold every 2 minutes just for fun.

10) Voicemails should be brief. Name, reason for calling, level of urgency and contact details.

11) If there is beef leaving an abusive voicemail only serves to negate any valid points you may have, make you sound crazy and cause a tense situation to escalate. If someone enrages you so much you're tempted to verbally assassinate them via their mailbox, go to sleep. Life is not a dress rehearsal; ergo don’t waste your time/minutes on conflicts that don’t really matter in the broad scheme of things.

12) Sadly any genuine social interactions and memories our generation could have had are being killed by technology. Social networking sites have only exacerbated the problem. It's to the point that we're unaware we've neglected interacting with people in real environments and are failing to create meaningful memories. So instead of speaking on the phone for excessive amounts of time, try meeting up with people….like in real life!

13) Men! Just because a woman speaks to you on the phone for more than an hour and a half, doesn’t mean she likes you. Therefore don’t take a long phone conversation as your cue to ask......

‘So what are you wearing?’

14) Ladies! There is no point in changing your mobile number as part of purging your ex out of your life, then giving him your new number a few days later.

15) If you’re single, bored, broke and vulnerable, switch off your phone at midnight.

16) Once a week do your best to phone a friend that with whom you have allowed communication to become reduced to a series of Facebook wall posts/the odd text. At the risk of showing my human side, I will say that hearing the voice of a friend can brighten the dreariest day.

Peace, Love and 079

The Appropriate Approach and Response

Happy Friday!

Hope you've all had a good week and are looking forward to the weekend.

Today's video was filmed a few days ago when I was on my way out and I had a sudden burst of inspiration, so I thought 'I've got my war paint on, I'm dressed....might as well make a video!". So here it is!

I'd love to write for longer about the video but I've got a wedding tomorrow. For some reason I completely forgot to book an appointment with my physician aka hairdresser. Now it's too late and I need to find something to conceal the sinful state of my hair. Hence why I'm about to embark on a search for a pink/royal green fascinator with a veil. Personally I prefer shopping for the sake of it, as whenever I'm shopping for something I really need, I can never find it!

Before I forget, yesterday I got a ton of Facebook messages asking me where I purchased the various items I'm wearing in the video. The earrings were a gift from one of my best friends (luv ya Hamdizzle!) and are by Butler and Wilson. The ring is H&M and the dress is a throwback Topshop number. It's a few seasons old but still does its job. And to the woman with the absolutely killer eye, the Union Jack-eque clutch on top of my chest of drawers is one of a kind. I bought it at 'Beyond Retro' on Great Marlborough Street, which in my opinion is one of the best vintage shops in London.

Anyway, let me stop promoting brands that aren't paying me to do so.

Enjoy the video and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

Peace, Love and Tamia

P.S If you could all do me a favour and vote for my good friends JcX and Slick as they've been nominated as 'Best Newcomers' at the Black Tie Comedy Awards. Due to the fact most comedians wouldn't know a good joke if it molested them, I don't do comedy shows. However these two genuinely make me laugh and on top of that they're great people!

So if you don't mind please click here and for Best Newcomer click 'JcX and Slick'. Don't worry about voting for the rest of them, I don't care...so neither should you. Or you could do what I did and just vote in the other categories using which name made you laugh the most as the deciding factor.

Don't cheapen yourself....

I recently received an email from an old friend who’s so freaking fabulous, I had to honour her rant request. I could have summarised the email exchange, but since I’m having a lazy day, I just copied and pasted.

“Right I have a special request for your next blog, its a man thing of course. im involved and have been for 6 months with a guy who has a gf of 4 years! When i started i didnt know but now i do and im feeling guilty but just too involved to stop it! I need cold truth from you ahaha its like hes out of sight out of mind! Help me”

To which I replied

“Ok I will rant but first a few questions
1) Did you know he had a girlfriend from the get go?
2) Has he said he's going to leave his girlfriend?
3) Do you love him?
4) Does he say he love you?
5) I presume you're having sex?
That's all I need! Mwah xxx

To which she responded

“Hey love, right no i didnt have a clue, yea he sed hes breaking up with her, i am in love with him, dnt know about him n yea are sleeping together for almost 6 months god im in trouble xx”

My friend is precisely the kind of woman who shouldn’t be in such a dysfunctional arrangement. She’s smart, beautiful, in possession of two functioning ovaries and a genuinely lovely person. I’m sure there is a significant proportion of you reading who would like met to inform her how disgusting her actions are. However since the only thing I’m perfect at is being imperfect, I’m in no position to write a rant of condemnation.

It’s easy to speak about our values and things we would apparently never do or say. However until those values are tested, they are nothing more than ideals we believe we can live up to. Sometimes we find ourselves in circumstances doing things so disconnected from the person we believed we were, we begin to have an identity crisis. Our various failings are what make us human. So unless you’ve walked on water, cured cancer and brought peace between Brixton and Peckham, refrain from making judgmental comments.

* Steps of soapbox wearing 6 inch stilettos *

At the same time, I'm not going to divorce my friend from her wrongdoing. Being ‘in love’ (or believing you’re in love) isn’t a justification for maintaining a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. She is clearly in the wrong. In fact she’s as wrong as a blue weave paired with zebra print head band. In theory the moment she discovered he had a girlfriend it should have resulted in a "to the left to the left" moment. But I’m assuming she decided in her head to leave him and then she started making decisions with her heart. Consequently her resolve was weakened by her reliance on emotions (rather than intellect) as a guide to action. * sad face *

I did contemplate recruiting one of my male homies for this rant but then I realised they weren’t going to tell me anything particularly enlightening. So I thought I’d ride solo!

My advice

Personally I think my friend should leave for 3 reasons.

1) As much as sharing and other acts of altruism are what ensure that this sick sad world doesn’t fall apart, there are some things women shouldn’t share. Things such as underwear, toothbrushes, eyelash extensions and MEN! Why? Because it’s nasty, that’s why. At this point I should reel off some terrifying STI statistics, but that would require research and one of the by-products of recently writing a 10,000-word dissertation is that you hate anything that requires research.

2) Murphy’s Law indicates that at some point my friend is going to get caught. Apparently this couple has been together for 4 years (since this guy’s a liar I suspect it’s more like 7 years and he’s probably going to propose soon). Any woman that can hold onto man for that long is probably slightly crazy. Crazy in a nice way but crazy nonetheless. And even if she isn’t crazy, discovering that her boyfriend of 4-7 years is cheating on her with a woman who knew about her, will probably turn her crazy. Ergo when she discovers their sordid secret she will probably want to find my friend and cut her. And if she chooses to buss the windows out of his car and decides to use my friend’s head as her preferred instrument………I don't condone violence… but I would completely understand.

3) Even if he does leave his girlfriend (which he probably won’t) statistically the relationship is pretty much doomed. Relationships founded on deceit tend to unravel quickly. I once read (or I could be making this up I'm not entirely sure) that people that have affairs and then become a couple, only have a 5% chance of their relationship surviving beyond 5 years. 5% isn't much. I wouldn't buy something if it only had 5% off it. Personally I think my friend deserves better. Or as my lovely mother always says "don't cheapen yourself".

This perverse relationship arrangement isn’t really about the fact that my friend loves this man so much she’s stays, but that she doesn’t love herself enough to leave. At some point in our lives we have all been guilty of not realising our true value and settling for less. Whether it’s a job, relationship or friendship we have all been in circumstances where our diffidence has caused us to accept less than the best. Ultimately to overcome these situations we need to dig deep and believe wholeheartedly that not only do we deserve better but by stepping out eventually we’ll find better. It takes strength, conviction and fearlessness to do so, but we all have the capacity to do it, we just need to tap into it!

So what I’m really saying is leave him! And when you leave take all that passion and energy you poured into loving him, into loving yourself. It’s not going to be easy but there are 6 billion people in this world and a lot of them are on Facebook. So meeting someone else won’t be a problem. Go on a Facebook friend request spree. Shoot, I just remembered you're actually my friend. Send me your specification list. I may be able to hook you up!

Peace, Love and Self-Affirmation

xxx

Let's all get along.....

“Technically I can’t stand the bitch but I put up with her just because I have too”

The above statement is what an associate of mine said to me regarding her best friend. Her best friend! Bar this woman’s blatant disregard for the sanctity of friendship she is what I would ordinarily describe as a nice girl. Consequently I was rather taken aback by her statement.

I went to an all girls convent school, so I more than get the complexities of female friendships. Women often have issues with other women because they have issues with themselves. And the issues with themselves were often caused by other women. It’s a vicious circle/chicken- egg scenario and since I’ve never been able to figure out issues of causality, I’m not going to attempt to hit this issue at its core. I'm on my way out....and you guessed it....I'm running late!

All I know is that female self-hatred has resulted in a situation where your average female clique, is essentially a bunch of women getting therapy from women who also need therapy and don't like each other. Bad news.

Following my conversation with the 'best friend hater' I took a jog down memory lane and began recollecting all my failed friendships. As I began to think carefully, I spotted common personality traits running through all the women who had once been part of my life. In fact I realised these women could all be slotted into categories and the worst type of women managed to occupy multiple categories simultaneously.

For example….

a) The serial liar.
b) The woman who’s always copying somebody.
c) The woman who suddenly becomes miserable to get attention.
d) The woman who always has something negative to say about someone else’s boyfriend.
e) The hyper drama queen .
f) The woman who hates men.
g) The woman who abandons her friends whenever she gets a boyfriend.
h) The woman who tries to overcome her insecurity by being mean about others

Sidebar: There are so many categories of women I would have to create new letters of the alphabet to list them all. So I thought I’d stop at h just because I could. * shrugs *

Women in categories a-h are people that I would rather simultaneously have root canal, a bikini wax, botox injected in my armpits and my hair relaxed , than stay friends with.

However I’ve decided to use the latter phase of twenty o nine to deal with my trust issues concerning the female gender. As Gandhi (or someone else who was a pacifist, but is now dead and great) said (I’m paraphrasing shoddily)

“ If you want to see change, be the change you want to see”

Or in the words of my (frank) parents ……

‘ Miss Mbakwe, you’re the problem, not them’.

As it’s my fault (rather than the fault of women who need a few sessions on Oprah’s couch) that the average life span of my friendships with female is about 22 months and 75% of my male friends don’t trust (most) women I decided to write down the things I could do to increase the life expectancy of my next friendship.

And since this blog is officially my second favourite therapeutic outlet, I figured I might as well put my ideas on the world wide.


1) Never ever tell a woman someone else’s secret

2) Unless you’re at least 75% sure of her character and have heard at 5 (solid) references from her long term friends, do not introduce a woman to your family/friends.

3) Never engage in a conversation where you speak derogatorily about anyone. Especially with a woman that has a broadcasting power that equals CNN.

4) If she does not ask, do not offer your opinion.
Since I was born giving my opinion, this is a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. Unless someone specifically asks for your input refrain from giving it. Unfortunately not everyone can handle the truth and some people would much rather pretend they’re living an urban fairytale. So let them.

5) Do not lend anything that you can’t afford to lose.

6) Don’t argue when angry.
Don’t say a thing! Staple your lips if necessary.

7) Never ignore your gut instinct. If you have a feeling that she’s not a good friend/girlfriend she probably isn’t.

8) Do not argue with someone simply because your female friend has a grievance with them. Like British government discovered post-Iraq, you will also learn it’s a bad idea to assist people in conflicts that don't concern you.

9) Always call/text/facebook back, as soon as you can.

10) If you upload a picture of a woman on Facebook and she detags it, take that as your cue to delete it.

11) Always attempt to resuscitate a waning friendship if you believe it is worth saving. But if the other party is resistant, don't spend precious time arguing about how great a friend you were, instead spend that energy appreciating the (sane) friends you do have.

12) Women + Alcohol + Confessions = About as wise as having a bath with your toaster. Ergo, don't do it.

13) Always remember most friendship's are ephemeral, few will be eternal.


Peace, Love and ‘Buy Out Da Bar’

I’d like to send my love and prayers to the family and friends of Carl Beatson aka Charmz who was cruelly taken from this world in an act of senseless violence. I know many of his friends, all of whom are deeply saddened by his death. I pray that his death will not be in vain and the light he radiated in life, shines brighter in his death.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

Rest in Peace.