How to deal with Haters!

Morning!

Hope you're all having a decent enough start to your Thursday and if you're not tomorrow's Friday.....that should help things look up.

If I had to sum up the past few months in my life in a single word it would have to be 'bizarre'. Nevertheless, I've learnt a whole heap of things about myself and other people. Part of which pretty much inspired this video. It's on 'How to deal with the Haters'. Now if I had done this video say 6 months ago, it would have been completely different. I would have outlined the top 10 ways to ensure their ruination and listed the various methods. I would have informed you all that the starting point would be to recruit a small army of troops (sourcing mercenaries if necessary) who would do everything in their power to ensure that individual regretted the day they allowed your name to pass their lips. But I've realised that fighting fire with fire often means you also get burned and harm people in way you will one day regret.

Hence the method I promote in this video. So! Take a look at the video and let me know what you think. You know the drill, feel free to agree, disagree, place a fatwa on my head, whatever makes you happy. Thanks for the support and the constructive criticism, it's much appreciated.

And for those of you that use the shoutbox/my inbox/comments section as a way deal with your childhood issues and are quite vicious with your 'critique'. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!

Oh yes and to the person that asked where I got my earrings from. They're vintage (surprise surprise) and I bought them from 'Bang Bang' a vintage shop on Goodge Street in Central London. The earrings were £4.50 (shhhhhhh) so the shop is definitely one I'd recommend despite the questionable customer service.

Sidebar: Is it just me or is the customer service in English shops sub par especially when compared to American shop assistants?

Anyway! I've got to rush off, I had no intention to write for this long * word vomit * but I did lol! Have a fab day and if it starts to go tits up.....smile, it makes it all feel better!

Peace, Love and Rhythm Nation!

P.S I like this video because I was in an unusually calm mood when I made it, like weird calm, as in my voice hasn't been that quiet in erm.....ever. Usually my voice is either a screech or a bark. It's a good sign, maybe I'm finally growing up....Yeah right!

VV Vintage!

Afternoon!

For some bizarre reason, my (deranged) laptop would not let log into blogger.com all morning. I'm starting to detest her, but like that boyfriend/girlfriend that you hold onto even though everyone knows they're not good enough, I keep her. We have history....and honestly I don't have the money to replace her!

Not being able to log in was mighty frustrating simply because unlike times gone past when I was jacking my neighbour's wireless, my internet connection is actually legit. Nevertheless I'm here now so let me quit moaning : )

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was going to start writing for the very fabulous pop singer VV Brown's online vintage store. I will say I was really touched when she approached me, because never in a zillion years did I think she'd like my blog and like it enough to let me write on her site. Like Lil Kim's weave/new face....it's all a bit unbelievable!

Anyway, here's the piece I wrote for the site

http://www.vvvintage.com/blog/2009/07/finding-vintage/

I really hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.....and if you don't. Meh

lol

Peace, Love and Positvity

xxx

p.s By the way, make sure you browse the online store and if you really like something, in aid of killing the recession by spending.....buy it!!!!

Blogging on the Berry

I'm literally blogging on the go. I'm going to have Sushi for lunch and attempting to blog on the Berry. This could go absolutely disastrously or really really well. Either way I'm kind of meh about it.

Personal experience has taught me that BlackBerry's have the capacity to behave ignorantly at the most inconvenient time. So my apologies in advance for any errors that may make this rant impossible to read (I would say sincere apologies, but truth is I'm not being sincere I'm being PC) don't blame me, blame BlackBerry RIM's planned obsolescence strategy.

(By the way Happy Monday...!)

Since I'm no where near my deranged laptop, I can't upload today's intended rant, however being on the train means random questions pass through my mind at a higher rate than usual. So I thought I might as well blog about it and share my thoughts with you all.

Random questions inspired by London Transport

Why don't they have a holding cell for these children during the summer?

Who told Drake the 'Best I ever had' video was a good idea?

Does Sienna Miller still make films?

Why do you have to take a driving test to drive a car but there's no test to have children?

It's July.....why is it raining?

Why is it that religious fanatics are quick to preach at people but slow to pray for people?

Why don't women like each other?

Who the hell is Lil Kim's stylist and can we have them arrested?

Why do we run into our ex's that day we chose not to make an effort?

How come everyone is quick to judge Chris Brown in spite of the fact that if their darkest deed was exposed they would have no leg to stand on?

Where is Chris Brown?

Is it true that there's some man somewhere in the world that sounds just like Tupac and he's been the one making all of the 'secret material' 'Tupac' has released posthumously?

Since we're talking about dead rappers, how come all the awful ones live?

Where the hell is Ricki Lake?

And Ricky Martin?

Why do we always have a 'friend' that insists on copying everything we do?

How many of you felt socially pressured into purchasing a BlackBerry even though you barely use push email?

What's the fuss about all those iPhone applications?

Are you a MAC or a PC?

In light of the fact the expenses row has revealed that a disproporitionate number of the members of the house of commons are fraudsters, don't you think there needs to be an election?

Is it just me or was Aaliyah's death one of the saddest things to happen to R&B?

What on earth happened to R&B?

Has Asher Roth negated all the work Eminem did in the last decade?

Why on earth is the government willing and able to spend excessive amounts on savvy campaign's and spin doctors but debate on whether schools need bigger budgets?

Why do people think charity can solve poverty?

Considering there's a recession do you think a positive effect will be the sales this summer will be the best ever?

Peace, Love and Victoria

xxx

Who pays on a date?

So it's official Thursday has become video blog/rant day! Last week I recommended people go on a friendship detox and I'd like to say thank-you for the overwhelming response. I'm still trying to catch up on Facebook messages, emails etc so bear with me!

As ever I'll just let you watch the video and make up your own minds. The point of the clip is to provoke debate with your friends, family, haters, bailiffs and that person that you sit opposite to on the train everyday but you still haven't said hello to!

I have some ideas about the next few videos but then again they could be absolutely crap. Ergo I'd love to hear your ideas, so email me, Facebook me, write a comment, scream in the shoutbox....you get my drift!

Peace, Love and Jill


xxx

The iChat diaries

A few evenings ago Henpecked and I were on iChat the other evening and he made the (outrageous) claim that if I wasn’t careful my blog would resemble a ‘feminist empowerment blog’ . In order to retain within the gender balance Christiana rants community , apparently I need to write more rants that either …..

a) Help in the universal effort to actively reduce the number of crazy women
b) Help men avoid crazy women

Sidebar: Someone once wrote a comment where they stated how unintelligent they believed Henpecked to be. Henpecked is a young man that when filling out forms, in the religious orientation section, crosses out all the mainstream faiths and creates his own box called ‘Tupac Philosophy’….everyone knows he’s not that bright.

After a few minutes of insulting banter he took it upon himself to invite a friend of his into our iChat conversation. Three-way video conferencing is a lot more fun when there is absolutely no need for the conference however it’s a bit less fun when someone starts to talk about their life issues. Henpecked’s friend was in a bit of a pickle and after consulting Henpecked had only caused the situation to escalate, he decided to try his last resort. Me.

I agreed to offer my advice in exchange for the right to rant about it. As he’s as desperate as a crack head, he agreed.

So here it goes!


The Dilemma (abridged)

1) Henpecked’s good friend has a girlfriend.

2) His girlfriend is (a bit) crazy. *


* Crazy = Mysteriously ‘turning up’ where he is, suggesting a joint bank account 6 weeks into their relationship, tattooing his initials on her derrière 6 months later, at least 3 Facebook status updates a day declaring her undying love for him and being (repeatedly) caught trying to figure out his email password. Upon hearing about this woman’s antics I asked ‘Why on earth are you two still together?’ To which Henpecked responded ‘He says he loves her but I think it’s witchcraft.

3) Despite the fact she’s a bit crazy and by tolerating her folly this guy has morphed into a man-bitch (Henpecked’s appraisal not mine) they are happy couple most of the time. And when I say most of the time, I mean Monday through Thursday.*

* According to Henpecked this woman deliberately engineers fights on Thursday evenings so his friend spends all day Friday trying to negotiate a ceasefire and an inevitable clause of their peace treaty means they have to spend Saturday together to ‘reconnect’. Coincidentally it means he’s rarely available to go out with the boys on a Saturday night because he’s trying to ensure the peace treaty doesn’t collapse. If this is indeed true, unlike Henpecked I do not believe this is proof ‘that women are very evil’ but lends credence to my belief that if women put their mind to it, they can do anything!


4) No matter what they fight about on a Thursday evening (the cause of the arguments ranges from a whether OJ did it, who had the remote control last, to whether those are really MJ’s children) it always seems to stem back to the same issue. She hates his best friend, who not only happens to be a female but his ex-girlfriend.

At this point I almost shut my laptop out of shock at his stupidity. On a purely intellectual basis I understand that honesty is the best policy and lies by omission are just as bad as other lies. However admitting to an insane girlfriend that you used to regularly see your female best friend naked, means you have a death wish.

But apparently former alpha males who are now man bitches (sorry sensitive and caring), don’t hide things from their women. * shrugs *

What made me laugh was the fact he kept saying ‘but Christiana she said she was ok with it in the beginning’.

Well of course she was ok! Women will often act secure about matters they’re blatantly insecure about because before they reveal their insecurity they intend in launching a full-blown investigation into the matter. *

*Full blown investigation = Aided by her three closest female friends they will exploit their network and find out as much as they can about the enemy.

Now what is apparent is that after their (in all probability slightly illegal and unethical) investigation the CSI:South London team discovered a few pieces of information that made the girlfriend feel uncomfortable about her boyfriend’s female best friend who also happens to be his ex.

As a result last week his girlfriend issued him an ultimatum saying ‘it’s her or me’ and this poor guy (who seemed genuinely torn) wanted me to tell him my view on his dilemma.

* Henpecked thinks the solution to this problem is very simple. His friend should get rid of both women. Apparently the girlfriend is so crazy even if his friend gets rid of his best friend she’s just going to find something else to act crazy about. Contrarily if he gets rid of his girlfriend, he’s only going to run into this issue again because the only type of woman that wouldn’t feel a bit uncomfortable with her boyfriend calling his ex his best friend is a transvestite.

In my eyes it’s a woman’s prerogative to openly dislike (or pretend to like but secretly dislike) her boyfriend’s (extremely attractive) female friends. But! No one has the right to inform their boyfriend (or their girlfriend) who they can and cannot associate with. Of course people are free to express their preferences, but to attempt to impose a diktat is stepping over the line.

However we eventually figured out the girlfriend’s real issue. The real issue wasn’t the omnipresent female best friend. The issue was the fact this omnipresent female was single! And single women are…….well a bit dangerous. They’re even more dangerous when someone they once had history with becomes attached. Because upon the discovery that he’s now attached, not only does his level of attractiveness multiply by about a million percent but they also get very offended that he’s no longer pining after them. The intersection of these factors leads to a weird process that causes the single ex to believe a man they once discarded is now the love of their life.

After explaining the mechanics of the female psyche and how women’s awareness of how low some members of their gender will stoop in order to trap an attached man (did you guys ever watch Sunset Beach?) he began to understand how his girlfriend’s ‘paranoia’ was justified.

But since she’s a bit crazy, normal advice wouldn’t really suffice, so together (in a rather moving collaborative effort) we devised the following solutions.


Henpecked, Christiana and Mr iChat’s solutions

1) He should tell his girlfriend that he has dumped his best friend but keep her around. If (or when) his girlfriend discovers they’re still friends he will defend himself on a technicality. His girlfriend’s grievance is with the fact they are best friends, not the fact they’re friends. If caught all he needs to do is feign stupidity and state is he demoted her to friend status, just as he ‘believed’ she requested.

2) Arrange a meeting (a bit like Camp David) where the rivals meet, pretend they genuinely seek peace and everyone acts like they’ve made up. Obviously his girlfriend and best friend will both call him after and say ‘I still don’t like her, but I’m tolerating her for you’ but at least it buys him some time (and peace).

3) Pimp his best friend on Facebook and find her a new boyfriend.

4) If 3 fails (which would be a tragedy) if his best friend hasn’t done so already he could create an imaginary love interest.

5) Go on Jeremy Kyle.


Peace, Love and Previouscats

Excuses, Excuses!

An excuse is worse than a lie, for an excuse is a lie, guarded
Alexander Pope

I almost didn't rant today. My lap top's still holding me hostage (iHate her) and a number of other inconvenient things just kept popping up. This is all compounded by the fact yesterday evening I felt so physically weak I was convinced I had Swine flu. I contemplated going to my doctor but then again I can prescribe paracetamol, resting and drinking lots of water to myself.

I was writing a rant full of excuses full as to precisely why I couldn't rant when I remembered a saying I recently stumbled across....

'Excuses are the tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothingness. Those who use them seldom amount to anything'

As true as this saying is and as I work towards applying it into my every day existence, I still believe that excuses are incredibly useful things. Especially when they're utilised by the competent.

In fact excuses have saved my skin on numerous occasions. Now my Pastor/life coach/therapist would probably label my excuses (white) lies. Whereas I call them excuses that could be interpreted as lies if placed under a microscope and thoroughly investigated. But in this age of self-absorption, materialism and summer sales (woop woop) we're all to busy to investigate the lies sorry excuses people tell us.

So as I thought instead of writing my excuses, I'd just list a bunch of commonly used excuses and what I think people want to say when they use them.

Excuses, Excuses

1) I'm sorry I didn't call you back I've run out of credit/free talk time/battery

When did it become illegal not to call someone back when you didn't want to speak to them in the first place?


2) I just feel like I'm not ready...

Being in a serious relationship with you makes me feel uneasy and slightly nauseous.

3)I don't normally get this drunk

I'm an alcoholic because drinking gives me a personality.

4) Oh we drifted apart, you know how things are. There's no issue, it's still all love.

It's none of your business why I don't talk to my ex-friend, you're only going to go away and retell what I've revealed to people that don't need to know.

5) Oh I lost all my numbers that's why you haven't heard from me

I did lose all my numbers, however I didn't particularly mind/notice losing yours. Unfortunately to save face now I'm compelled to ask for your number and send you a mandatory 'Hey! Great seeing you today, glad we're back in touch' text. I hate my life.

6) I've been really unwell that's why I couldn't make it.

I'm 100% fit, I just didn't want to come but I like you too much to tell you.


7) oooh so sorry I forgot!

I remembered, then pushed it right to the back of my mind where I thought it belonged.

8) I'll have a look in my diary and let you know

I'm just telling you I'm going to look in my diary to make you feel like I'm contemplating turning up. But the truth is even if the day is as free as a bird on ecstasy, I wouldn't turn up by mistake.

9) I really do love you but I think we need space

I love you, but I don't think I like being in your presence.

10) I don't really check my Facebook you know

I'm so addicted to Facebook that the 'pop' sound that occurs every time you get a notification is permanently ingrained in my brain. So I did see your 3 wall posts,7 chain messages and 5 million quiz requests but I don't care!

11) I'm sorry I really did think you were the father.

Oops I got caught!

12) I'm sorry, forgive me, you know those other girls mean nothing.
I'm selfish twit and the prospect of losing you has made me realise I actually like you more than I thought.

13) She/he looked better from afar

I was desperate and depressed

14) BRB got to do something for my mum

Leave me alone you're making me hate msn.

15) If I knew it was a secret I wouldn't have told her

I knew it was a secret but I love to gossip....and really it's not that big a deal

16) Oh so sorry I thought I invited you....my bad

It was a tight guestlist and considering that every one's being fed and watered at my expense and we don't even speak on a regular basis, I figured that I could get away with not inviting you. Obviously not.

17) Ah don't be offended it was a last minute thing

I planned it months ago but I presumed that we would have 'drifted apart'.

18) I thought I took the pill

Ha! I've trapped you!!!

19) It's not you, it's me.
It's you. Believe me, it's you. But I value my sanity and don't want to prolong this awkward break up conversation any longer than necessary, therefore I'll take the blame.

20) Don't worry I'll pay you back. I had the money last week, it's just I've kept forgetting to call you.

There is a greater chance of Goldman Sachs clearing third world debt than you getting even 10% of the money you lent me.


Peace, Love and TTYL

xxx

The Friendship Detox

Hiya Guys!

Yesterday evening I decided to upload a video on Facebook about my views on friendship and a concept known as the 'friendship detox'. Much to my surprise, people actually really liked the video and the overall thrust of its message seems to have resonated quite strongly with many. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks friendship detox's are a healthy way of living!

So since you guys are pretty much accustomed to my rants, I thought I'd mix it up a bit and upload it on here.

Feel free to agree, disagree, curse me out (I see you e-bitches!), forward to your mamas, papas, friends and foes.....!

As a consequence of this clip, I've engaged in numerous e-debates/e-beef's but it's all in good fun. I'm not going to justify/qualify any parts of the video, life is too short for constantly qualifying and justifying what you say!

But to the young lady that asked where my blazer is from, it's from a shop called Peekaboo vintage, which is swiftly becoming one of my favourite vintage stores.

Ok let me stop this has jumped from detox's to fashion.

I'm on my way out, I'm running very late and despite the fact my closet is literally bursting with clothes I'm having one of those days when I feel like I have no clothes. Unfortunately I'm on a self-imposed clothes fast, so I only buy things if I really really really need it. And when I say really really really need it, that generally means that I want it a lot and use perverse logic to justify me purchasing it! But in the last few months I've come a long way....believe me : )

I've promised myself that I won't buy any more clothes for the next 8 weeks....

Pah! Like that can work!

Peace, Love and Youtube

xxx

Shades of Grey

Yesterday I received an email about a female clique's beef. Amongst the many things I try not to entertain on a daily basis ( following velour and white shoes) beef and female cliques rank highly.

All the women involved in this matter read my blog and according to the women at the centre of the drama one of the clique members suggested emailing me so I could rant and offer a neutral perspective. Or perhaps she sent the email knowing full well it would annoy a few of the clique members . I don't know.

All I know is that diplomacy isn't my forte and mediating beef is one thing I know for a fact God did not put me on this earth to do. But I'll do my best.


A (very) long email in 3 brief points

1) The young lady who sent the email is best friends with another female. They happen to be best friends with a whole heap of other girls and they hang around together. A few months ago on a night out she met a man that she took a liking to. They exchanged numbers and I read between the lines and figured out that he called her a few times, they went on a couple dates but he didn't like her that much.

2) She assumed that he was shy. So she kept texting him, phoning him and Facebook stalking him (again me reading in between the lines).

3) All the while she is blissfully unaware that her best friend and him were also texting, phoning, Facebook poking and they're now a couple. She found out and now it's evolving into beef of Tupac/Biggie proportions, splitting their clique down the middle.

As I pretty much live by Occam's razor, I like things to be black and white. I try not to deal with shades of grey or I simply turn shades of grey into black. But as a toyed with the issue in my mind and get my Judge Judy on by deciding who was right and who was dead ass wrong, I realised that too much of the scenario is essentially a shade of grey.

If I wanted to occupy the moral high ground and simplify the debate I can argue the young lady has every right to be offended. Her friend hurt her by 'stealing' a man that she was aware that her friend liked.

Indeed one of the unwritten, unspoken yet well known commandments of female friendships is

Thou shalt never entertain, pursue or engage in dialogue with a man your friends likes or secretly likes and pretends she doesn't.

Unfortunately I hear a lot about women fighting over men because someone has contravened this unspoken rule. Funnily enough I don't hear much about men fighting over women.
I figure it's because men would much rather fight over something that could get them more women like money.

Then again men probably don't bicker over women because they don't really need to. The number of women in the world clearly outnumber men so as special as a woman is, there is always going to be another one, no woman is worth going to jail for.

Whereas (as I've stated on prior occasions) women suffer from a numerical deficit when it comes to the number of available men. So if I recklessly apply Darwinian logic, I suppose I get why women fight over men. In this cruel dating game, it's survival of the fittest. When inner animal instincts kick in, women start pulling out each other's weave and slapping off fake tan because they feel they have no other choice.

Sidebar: I lied, I don't get it. Fight for democracy, fight for 'period pain leave' to become a mandatory part of every woman's employment package, fight for the right to taser rude noisy children on the bus but please do not (publicly) fight another woman over a man.*

* Unless the fight is over him or him. If that's the case, I fully understand.


Personally I would never entertain a man that a friend likes/liked. As soon as a friend utters the words 'ooooh I think he's nice', at that point that man becomes as desirable to me as simultaneously contracting swine flu and getting a bad weave.

But my personal position aside, it's quite possible that the woman's ex-friend and new enemy has technically done nothing wrong.

Firstly!

Just because a woman sees a man and expresses the fact she wants him, doesn't mean he wants her. Indeed even if he takes her number and entertains her, it still doesn't mean he wants her. Now I'm not coming to the defence of the friend that stole a guy that was never going to be her friend's boyfriend. I'm just stating that the emailers arrangement with her crush was so fluid it can't even be viewed as a legitimate arrangement. Her email suggested that the guy they're fighting over had never expressed the fact he liked her beyond accepting her number. And if we're going to keep it real in this day and age, accepting/giving a mobile number, then engaging in a few flirtatious textual exchanges means absolutely nothing.

Secondly!

When many women (and when I say many I mean approximately 1 in 5) like someone it often means their recollections of their interactions with these men are wholly inaccurate. Basically their emotions clouds the accuracy of their memories. Subsequently they often unintentionally concoct elaborate romantic scenarios in their heads and think they're true.

Every single person reading this rant has at least one female friend who consistently tells stories of a romantic nature and when a routine fact check occurs everyone realises the story was free of facts. Some people call such souls liars, I call them romance drama queens.

Due to the prevalence of romance drama queens if a friend accidentally on purpose 'steals' a man another friend is seeing, am I wrong in thinking it's not that bad if the romance only existed in her friend's head?

Furthermore the bottom line is her friend didn't steal her boyfriend, she stole someone she dreamed was going to be on her boyfriend. So her friend killed/stole a dream, not a burgeoning romance. Last time I checked it's only theft if someone owns it. So although she violated an unspoken ethical code, if we're going to be legalistic, though her friend is clearly Machiavellian (or she has fallen so deep in lust she can't be bothered to observe unspoken conventions) she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

But since I'm trying to improve my conflict resolution skills and I think now is the time I attempt to come up with a workable solution.

To resolve the conflict the following can be done:-

• An arm wrestle. Whoever wins get to keep him.
  
• Learn the 'Single Ladies' dance routine whoever gets the most youtube views in 7 days, gets to keep him.
  
• Make new friends who don't have a similar taste in men
  
• Play make believe and act like it's 7 months later and you've made up.
  
• Realise that somewhere in the world there's a woman who's starving AND her best friend just stole her husband....it could be worse....!
  

Peace, Love and Ari Gold Rocks!!!!

Club Comment

Today's rant almost didn't happen.In fact the original rant I wrote has disappeared forever. Sydney Angel (my macbook) decided today was the day she would she would go absolutely schizo on me and delete files just because she could. One of those files happened to be today's rant.

Sentiment (and finances) has meant that I've held on to her for longer than most would have, but instead of buying a particular handbag (I'm not telling you what bag, because I fear some of you will judge me) I'm just going to have to go to the Apple Store sooner than I intended.

Anyway!

Recently I was sitting in a swine flu carriage (aka a London train) and I randomly started talking to a young man.

Sidebar: Is it just me or since MJ died have you had a ton of conversations with people you otherwise wouldn't speak to?

After we had spoken about every MJ conspiracy theory possible somehow we started talking about the shift in partying/nightclub/raving culture. We then spent the duration of the train journey exchanging anecdotes about the folly we had witnessed in nightclubs.

At the end of the conversation the young man proceeded to ask for my number. Despite the fact we got on very well I kindly refused his request. Earlier in the conversation he had said 'I hate funky house'. In my heart I knew we could never be friends because in my eyes hating funky house is as nonsensical as hating your own child.

Despite his heretical musical opinions (anyone that cannot grasp the sheer genius of the migraine skank is a heretic) this guy had incredible insight into how people (well Londoners really) behave in clubs.

I've done my best to remember what I could of our conversation and added a few of my own!

Club Comment

1) Females that look like clones of each other
I don't know when this particular trend emerged but all of a sudden every time I go out I seem to run into a groups of women who are literally clones of each other. They will all wear a similar inoffensive strapless dress (but in different colours), have the same hair cut, eerily similar make-up and when they take pictures they even pose alike. When did it become fashionable to rid ourselves of individuality ?

2) Women waiting on a drink
I'm aware there's a recession so people haven't got money (loans) to burn like they used to. However although the recession has eroded our bank accounts it doesn't need to erode our sense of dignity. As the young man on the train observed, suddenly there's an explosion of dehydrated women hovering at the bar waiting, hoping and praying for someone to buy them a drink. Frankly it's embarrassing to witness a woman who is dressed beautifully but behaving like one of Pavlov's dogs. The solution is quite simple, if you're penniless stay at home. However considering the fact that a disproportionate number of people in clubs are projecting the false illusion that they have money, I'm not trying to kill the entire nightclub industry with sensible advice.

3) Men that act aggressive when a woman won't give her number
The last time I checked it was a woman's right to choose who she gives her mobile number to. Unfortunately there is a certain breed of man who believes it is his birthright to be given every single mobile number he requests and if a woman refuses he begins to act aggressively. That's stupid. You can't coerce a woman into giving you her number. If she says no, buy yourself a drink, cheer up and find another women. Just make sure you head to an area of the club with better (or worse) lighting.

Sidebar: By the way to all my UK readers, if you value your privacy please ensure your mobile phone number is ex-directory before the mobile phone directory is made public later this week. We are living in an Orwellian age where the powers that be no longer feel compelled to respect our civil liberties. Protect your privacy, your Facebook stalker does not need your mobile number as well! Here's the link www.118800.co.uk


4) Men refusing to buy women drinks!
The 'Miss Independent' image that many woman embrace and strive to emulate comes with a number of costs and benefits. One of the obvious benefits is autonomy and self-sufficiency. One of the massive costs (apart from being a miserable singleton) is that many men now believe 'you want to be independent? Buy your own drinks'. This is problematic because as much as I love the notion of independence, I really don't like purchasing my own drinks. That's right I want to have my cake, eat it and I want it to contain zero calories.

In my whole life I've probably only bought myself a drink twice. However I've met countless women who are rarely given the pleasure of someone else buying them a drink. I know chivalry is dead (because feminism killed it) but fellas can we reach a compromise here?

5) Men dancing in big groups...with each other
We all know that nightclubs are nothing more than glorified hook-up spots with poor lighting, poor ventilation and pretentious decor. On that basis, if you're a (straight) man I'm presuming that you've come to (appropriately) dance with at least one woman and hopefully get her number. Please don't spend the night doing 'spontaneous' choreography with the boys.

6) Texting/taking pictures excessively on the dance floor
I'm guilty. I text all the time. And I take a lot of pictures. Ergo I leave this one alone...lol

8) DJ's that can't DJ
Most DJ's are DJ's in name rather than substance. The new generation of DJ's are nothing more than iPod DJ's who can't mix, blend, scratch and are essentially experts in how to clear a dance floor.

In order to rid us of these atrocious iPod DJ's I believe it should be law (yes law) that if you go on a night out and the crowd are visibly displeased with the quality of the music, each person is entitled to a full refund *

*This law would exclude London nightclubs because Londoners are impossible to please and take great pleasure in being nonchalant even if they're having an incredible time.

9) Women that get offended when a man approaches them
I'm astonished at the number of women who become unnecessarily aloof and border on the offensive when a man attempts to spark up a conversation. You are a in a nightclub, not a church and you are wearing a mini-dress not burka. On that basis even if he's not your type, be courteous and happy somebody wants you!

10) Clubs that feel like saunas
Over the last couple of years I've discovered that nightclubs have become unusually hot. Call me a conspiracy theorist but I suspect that the bar owners deliberately switch off the air conditioning/switch on the heaters, to make us sweat so much we need to buy more drinks.

I went out a couple weeks ago and left after an hour. Why? The club was so hot my hair began to revert and I took a look around me and realised that the party wasn't worth me sweating out my relaxer for.

* For those that don't know what sweating out my relaxer/hair reverting refers to, at the risk of over simplifying the complexities of a black woman's hair, I'll just say if an event is not worth me 'sweating out my relaxer', it just means it's not worth a premature journey to the hairdressers.

11) Individuals that don't dance
If you're not going to dance. Stay at home.

12) Individuals that dance....but watch
There are some individuals that refuse to dance and there is another creepy type of person (well woman really) that dance but are dancing whilst (unsuccessfully) disguising the fact they're watching other people. Weird. Stay at home also.

13) Taking pictures of people without their consent
I love taking pictures....but I love taking pictures consentually. I shouldn't have to dance shielding my face with my hand because random flashes indicate that the morning after the night before will be spent Facebook de-tagging myself in photos that are compromising/unflattering. Can we bring back the days when we took pictures with permission?


Peace, Love and Numbers

xxx

P.S VV Brown's album is out today!! Please support her : )

One year later

A year ago tomorrow my favourite cousin* and I were sitting in the dining room having a rather heated debate. After we’d finish debating my cousin turned around and said

‘You know what Ama, you should start a blog’

And I went ‘Why not?’

* My favourite cousin lives all the way in LA and I don’t see him as much as I would like to. However he is one of the most beautiful and pure spirited human beings I have ever had the fortune of meeting and I hope that as I grow older I get to see him more than I do.

Little did I know that a year later my musings or ‘rants’ would snowball into this * waves hands around her head in the virtual sphere *

I’m shocked I’m still ranting and not because I thought I’d run out of things to say (is that really possible) but just because I get bored easily. But setting up this site has had the most bizarre (and fun) implications on my life and if I’m going to be real blogging is a bit like crack. Dangerously addictive.

I’m well aware that some of you may not agree with some of the things I write. But that’s ok, the point of the site is to promote dialogue beyond the realms of the internet and perhaps get you to see a different facet to a debate. I never did expect a broad consensus to revolve around my opinions but from all your comments and (sometimes) scathing criticisms, I’ve learnt so much. The comments (whether in the forms of encouragement or criticisms) have caused me to revaluate some of my opinions, tweak my stance and have actually affected how I live my life.

Moreover I’ve had a massive personal evolution over the past year and reading over some old entries, I found in some areas I actually don’t agree with myself : )
Sidebar: I’m well aware that my friends are going to use the above line against me in debate, so there is a possibility I’ll delete it for my own peace of mind!

In the last year I’ve witnessed many personal landmarks. There are too many to mention but one that I’d like to highlight is that despite the crazy (or foolish as my parents put it) amount of effort I’ve put into this blog I still managed to somehow get a 2:1 in my degree, so I guess that makes me Christiana Rants BA (Hons)!

So moving on from here, I think the blog will probably broaden and deepen a bit. I spent the last three years of my life studying Political Science and as much as the various nuances of human relationships fascinate me, Politics (along with Music and Fashion) is one of the things that interest me most. Writing this blog has finally helped me value the freedoms that people in the ‘west’ often take for granted, especially the freedom of speech. There are nations where even the ‘right to blog’ is censored by virtual police who scour the net clamping down on anyone that is perceived as a voice of dissent or attempting tamper with the status quo.

So blogging has helped me appreciate my civil liberties, discover that I love writing and convinced 90% of the people in my life that I’m off the wall!

As you all know I don’t really like creating Oprah moments but I’d like to personally thank my three little sisters who are always on hand to tell me exactly what they think of the latest rant. Also I’d like to thank my parents for embracing my creativity and (surprisingly) not hectoring me for some of my more controversial entries. Finally I’d like to thank my special friends who don’t need a mention because they know who they are!

Finally I would like to say a massive massive thank-you to everyone that’s supported this blog is some way over the last year. Whether it’s a comment, emails of support (and criticism), forwarding the link to your friends, a shout on your Facebook status, all of it! You basically have caused this site to grow into something bigger than what I intended when I created it. To you all I will say (as my mother always says when she wishes people well) “ Oga diri gi nma” *

* Oga diri gi nma is Ibgo for ‘it will be well with you’


So again thank-you.

Some random bits and bobs…

The site will be moving very soon and blogspot.com will no longer be where I rant. The new website is in the process of being built, hopefully you’ll like it, it’s a bit more interactive, much more cleaner layout and there will be 90% less pictures of me along the top lol

I’d like you guys to email me (or write in the shout box) your suggestions about how you think the site could be made better and what subjects you want to read about.

I’ve got numerous other things going on but I’ve realised I’ve got to go! I have a wedding to attend which starts in approximately three hours and I’m still nowhere near dressed. And I still haven’t figured which one out of these two clearly inappropriate dresses I’m going to wear!

Love you all and I’ll be back on Monday.


Peace, Love and Hope

xxx

In honour of my July resolution....

Yesterday a friend of mine specifically requested that I write a rant where I inform the ‘deluded Sex and the City generation’ how to keep a man happy. Just before I began my research a thought struck me. Why on earth was I contemplating writing a rant about how the ‘deluded Sex and the City generation’ can keep a man happy, before I’d written a rant on how the equally deluded man-bitch, metrosexual garment wearing, excessive concentration of waste men generation can stop making women so miserable?

So as my July resolution is to bring female solidarity back in fashion, I thought I’d write a rant outlining what men can do to ensure their girlfriends don’t put a hex on them when they eventually split up.

I’ve excluded the three most obvious rules….

1) Don’t cheat
2) Don’t lie
3) Don’t steal/turn out to be a cross-dresser that steals shoes

How the equally deluded man-bitch, metrosexual garment wearing, excessive concentration of waste men generation can stop making women so miserable.

1) Let her know exactly where she stands

I have a number of close male friends willing to be more than frank with me about how men really think. Therefore I’m aware most men won’t tell a woman….

‘To be honest I like the sex not you’

‘This isn’t really a long term thing’

‘I was kinda trying to hook up with your friend, but I landed you’

‘You’re my girlfriend because it’s convenient and I don’t have to go hunting for food and sex’

In order to curb the madness that occurs when a woman feels insecure in a relationship I will advise you to be (tactfully) frank with a woman and let her know exactly where she stands.

For those that need further clarification this means you can’t tell a woman you want to be ‘just friends’ yet persist in calling her at 2am in the morning and treating her like she’s your girlfriend. Your contradictory behaviour will inevitably lead to her acting slightly schizophrenic and she just may smash your BlackBerry to smithereens as revenge.

Decide how you see her, let her know and stick with it.


2) Beware of the L Word

If you don’t love a woman don’t tell her you do. In fact if you don’t love her, don’t even act like you love her (you know how women like draw conclusions based on prior assumptions).

If you don’t remember anything else I write today, please remember that the moment you tell a woman you love her when you don’t, when she discovers your duplitiousness the drama that will inevitably follow will make you want to kill yourself.


3) Listen to her

I know women have a tendency to talk a lot and recollecting some of the conversations I’ve had in the last 24 hours, I know most of the things women say are completely irrelevant to everything that has ever been relevant, but I don’t care. Listen. And when you get bored of listening, listen more. Because it’s in the moments when you don’t listen that she will actually say something that you will need to remember.

4) Compliment her

Do not assume your girlfriend knows how great you think she is. You must inform her. Daily.

I do understand that many believe that constant compliments will result in a woman not taking them seriously or getting big headed. I disagree. If your compliments are grounded in fact e.g. telling your girlfriend that she’s smart and pretty when she has a decent IQ and pleasant face, you’re simply reinforcing a fact she probably doesn’t remember enough. There are some days when she won’t feel smart or pretty. Words echo, so make sure when she’s having an awful moment and you're absent, your positive affirmations are what keep her going.

If you choose not to compliment a woman eventually she will choose to get her compliments elsewhere.


5) Delete all other women (bar family members or unattractive platonic friends) from your life

The moment you enter a relationship you are obliged to sever ties with-

a) Any female that you have had any sort of sexual or romantic relationship with.
b) Any female that you were contemplating embarking on a sexual/romantic relationship with.
c) That undiscerning female that has been trying to ensnare you since you met but you never got that desperate/that drunk.

You must delete the women in categories a-c from your life. Delete them from your brain and above all delete them from your phonebook. Social networking sites means we now have a new phenomenon commonly known as ‘MySpace/Facebook hoes’ (I call them e-harlots), so delete them from your Facebook friends list as well.

6) Buy her shoes/whatever her favourite accessory is

Feminists like to argue that women can’t be bought. Of course women can’t be bought, trading humans is illegal. However though women can’t be bought, they can be bribed.

Some women love shoes, some love handbags others have a bangles fetish. But all women are joined in their common love for accessories.

But just like women don’t like to admit they slightly enjoy being objectified as they walk down the street (any woman who claims she doesn’t like getting (inappropriate) appreciative comments from random men is a liar) women don’t like to admit that when a man does something wrong, a new pair shoes can make it all go away. *

* Don’t try this if you broke any of the rules in the preamble.


7) Get on with her friends

When 70% of the people a woman knows get on it makes her feel all warm and mushy inside.

Sidebar: Anything over 70% would mean there would be no drama or petty arguments. Women love petty arguments, hence why 90% of the women reading this rant are: a) Not speaking to a former friend
b) In an ongoing drama with a current (but soon to be former) friend
c) Recently made up with a woman they swore they would never speak to again
d) Deliberately has no female friends to avoid a-c

So as much as you don’t like her best friend (or any of her friends for that matter) pretend you do.

8) Try and figure her out

As I’m still trying to sort work through my own existential crisis I have no advice on how exactly to figure women out. However here are a few pointers…

• Discard half of the things she told you in the first 3 months after you met. It was probably a lie or at best a half-truth
• Take anything said on the phone between the hours of 12 and 4 am as gospel. Late night phone calls weaken a woman’s lying ability.
• Remember if she keeps telling you stories about a ‘friend’ yet has never mentioned their name it’s probably her ex.


Peace, Love and Doug

8 ways to avoid a therapist

Naturally I’m unsympathetic when people use a lack of self-esteem as justification for their idiocy. I just believe the sooner we all stop complaining about inconsequential flaws that don’t hamper our quality of life and understand we’re incredibly fortunate to be alive, the better things will become.

Yet despite the fact we’re not one of those unfortunate starving individuals photographed for Oxfam campaigns many of us aren’t happy with who we are.

Since I’m anti self-help books (they don’t help, I own at least 15 and still over-shop, under-save and all my friends think I’m crazy), I’m anti self-help rants. Nevertheless every now and again I try and blog about something semi-uplifting.

So this is my anti-self help self help, self esteem rant.

Feel free to agree, disagree, make your gluteus maxmimus sore from sitting on the fence or forward to your hater. I will state that I’m annoyed this rant will use the word ‘self’ excessively. I will assure you that ideologically I’m anti individualism. However healthy communities can only emerge when individuals aren’t insane in the membrane.

8 ways to avoid a therapist

1) Be your own best friend
The only person who will be with you forever is yourself. On that basis, the relationship you have with yourself needs to be a good one. You need to be one of your favourite people in the world, because since you will always have to be with yourself, you’re going to have to figure out a way to enjoy it. Neediness is tiring, learn to be autonomous and love your own company.


Sidebar: Some of you will need musical assistance for this rule, I recommend the ultimate self-help anthem, Mariah Carey’s Hero.


2) Create a core
Since people will always let you down, you will inevitably let yourself down. In turn you will need a core group of real friends to help you when you slip up. When I speak of real friends, I’m talking about people that would take a bullet for you (and not the type of people that take a bullet because they enjoy doing ghetto shit). I’m speaking about people that will uphold you when you’re suffering from a bout of diffidence and those willing to be associated with you even when you’re not worthy of association.

Being your own best friend is about embracing self-sufficiency, but creating (and valuing) your core means being accountable and loved by people who want what’s best for you.

Then again you may be the kind of person that’s so needy you don’t care about the quality of people in your inner circle, on that basis skip to 4.

3) The mass consensus is irrelevant but the core consensus is crucial
Whatever the masses think about you should be irrelevant. Simply because

a) The masses are stupid. The voted for George W Bush (twice) and put Mr Blobby at the top of the charts.
b) The masses don’t know/understand you
c) The masses have a tendency to gossip so their opinion of you is generally them speculating about speculation.

The fact that the mass consensus is irrelevant is tempered by a core circle that care enough to correct you and ensure you don’t develop an ego of Kanye West proportions.


4) Plastic surgery/weight loss can’t change how you THINK about yourself
I have witnessed a number of overweight people embark on crash fad diets, lose all the weight and then gain it all back + 5 Kg a couple years later. I don’t really want to over-simplify weight issues, but because it’s my blog I will.

You see people that are miserable when they are fat, aren’t really miserable because they’re fat, they’re just miserable people who happen to be fat. So they lose the weight and become even more miserable when they realise they’re skinnier, still miserable and can’t eat as much. So they eat and get fat again. * Shrugs if you disagree with her analysis *

Our issues with our physical appearance are rarely the cause of self-esteem issues, instead they simply exacerbate pre-existing problems, but we misidentify them as the issue. The entire cosmetics and diet industry is built on the false premise that if we can change the physical attributes we despise, we’ll be happier. Nonsense. Finding self-esteem means transcending our physical shells and dealing with all the craziness in our heads.

5) Being imperfect is your single perfection
In light of number 4 I will state that you’re only going to do one thing perfectly and that is being imperfect.

We are all perfectly imperfect. Embrace it!

6) Don’t make self-depreciating comments about yourself
We live in a sick sad world where there are plenty of people who will take great pleasure in putting us down; it does not mean we should join them.

We all have the right to believe we are pretty great.

It’s not narcissism or arrogance, it’s realising that there is only one you in the world.
Since there is no one else in the world exactly like you, this means that you’re pretty special. *Leaves room to throw up, appalled at such chessiness *


7) Stop blaming them...
As we are an accumulation of our experiences naturally there are numerous people that have shaped our lives, some for good and others for bad. Yet despite the fact that people may have said and done things that hindered us, there comes a time when we have to take personal responsibility for who we are.

Now I’m aware it’s much easier to apportion blame to others, however the sooner we realise that we (not the people that did us wrong) are the source of many of our own problems, the sooner we realise that within us lies the solution to our problems.

8) If your self-esteem is linked to your success, redefine success
We have been told that the measure of success is relative to how much we achieve. Often these achievements are interpreted solely within a financial framework. Batshit.

Success isn’t about possessing the things the world covets or climbing the corporate ladder. Success is about the good we do for other people during our life journey and is underpinned by sacrifice rather than selfish ambition.

Doing good isn’t narcissistic philanthropic acts or generosity to show people how much we possess. The good we do for other people is about going that extra ten miles and actually lowering ourselves in our hierarchy of priorities. This is a rule I’m far from perfecting.

Ironically healthy self-esteem means we recognise that not everything is about us. Others matter just as much.


Peace, Love and New York

P.S Happy Birthday Dad!

Summer Summer Summertime!

a href="">




I’m pretty convinced that if each of you chronicled your ‘what was I thinking’ moments, a sizeable portion of them would have occurred in the time between June and September. Summer makes even the most sensible characters make ‘doing stupid shit’ their main hobby.

Now the most practical solution to the summer stupidity problem would for us all to make an oath to self that summer ’09 will be different. However after pondering on this idea for about 15 seconds I realised that this is not a viable option because it’s the ‘what was I thinking’ moments that make summer worthwhile.

As such I’ve decided that instead of actively trying to reduce the number of ‘what was I thinking’ moments, I’ll simply formulate guidelines to ensure that the consequences of these actions don’t cause excessive damage.

18 ways to ensure you don’t spend September-December with a cloud of regret hanging over your head.

1) Always keep in mind that your summer fling will be half as good looking by September 1st. Bright weather combined with minimal breeze has the ability to make people’s (well women’s) good-looking ranking increase at a scary rate. When your summer romance has died and you realise that the focus of affections face makes a bit of vomit fling itself up your oesophagus do not resent them for it, I warned you.

2) If you hook up with someone in a foreign territory, technically it doesn’t contribute to your numbers. * However if you chose to continue your dalliance when you return to your country of residence you only have yourself to blame when it goes tits up.

* I will justify this nonsensical theory at a later date.

3) Unfortunately the recession hasn’t depleted funds to the point that people can’t afford to throw unnecessarily extravagant summer weddings. Weddings fall into three categories; farcical, semi-farcical and the real deal. I’d skip the real deal occasions, as they’re no fun. When attending farcical/semi-farcical occasions keep any suspect information you know about the groom to yourself. Frankness isn’t appropriate when 150-300 people are engaging in a mass charade.

4) Even though I’ve warned you on countless occasions not to go on holiday with more than 4 friends I’m pretty certain at least 60% of you have booked a group holiday. So I will warn that one of your friends has the hygiene level of a poorly reared piglet and being in a foreign country will cause every single word that comes out of their mouth to drive you up the wall. Accept this fact before you board the plane.

5) You’re inevitably going to do something so embarrassing it’ll make you hate yourself a little bit more every time you think about it. Do not tell a single soul. If fact I would advise everyone to use the month of July to create an alter ego. Talk about your alter ego with such conviction that everyone in your milieu soon believes it’s a distinct entity. Therefore if your misdeed is ever discovered if anyone asks, you can blame it on Sasha/Simeon.

6) If you don’t like getting wet, don’t engage in a water fight. This may seem obvious but you would not believe the sheer stupidity I’ve witnessed due to water fights gone wrong.

7) Anyone can hold a barbeque, but not everyone is capable of throwing a good barbeque. If a person who has a habit of throwing lame parties/funerals or generally screwing up any occasion for a celebration, proceeds to invite you to their barbeque don’t go. You will either meet someone you one day wish you hadn’t or you’ll eat something that will give you the runs.

8) Don’t go shopping specifically for the summer. I can guarantee that within 7 months you will hate/won’t be able to find 90% of what you buy.

9) Don’t get a ‘new look’ for the summer because for most females this is simply code for getting a new haircut. A new haircut just means your hair is shorter and you still haven’t gotten over your ex.

10) You will bump into an ex and if you’re single just for the sheer heck of it you’ll probably rekindle your relationship. Don’t. They left your life for a valid reason. Allow transient people to remain distant memories and never let old baggage to weigh down your future.

11) The past few summers have been void of a summer anthem. However this year the summer anthem will makes its victorious comeback. I’m predicting it will be Drake’s ‘Best I Ever Had’. I am fully aware the song has been around for months but the mainstream takes pleasure in being late. Ergo unless someone decides to outdo Katy Perry and kiss one-armed Siamese twins and like it, I’m predicting it will soon be so ubiquitous, most of you won’t like Drake by October. Warning to men telling a woman ‘you the f%^&$%£ best’ will not work as a chat up line.


12) If you insist on drinking and driving, kill yourself first.

13) Since capitalism is built on making people feeling so inadequate they misidentify luxuries as necessities and then purchase stuff they don’t need, most of you probably hate your bodies a bit. As the summer makes all of our bulges more apparent many of you will start going to the gym. Instead of shelling out on an expensive gym membership, convince 5 friends that they also need to ‘get fit’ so you guys can work out as a team. When all 5 of your friends have joined a gym exploit their guest passes on a rotational basis.


14) Don’t accept a Facebook friend request from the people you met on holiday.

15) If you have a Facebook friend that insists on complaining about how hot it is promptly delete them. Such souls are never happy and will only dampen your Facebook summer experience by their incessant moaning. Life’s too short to entertain e-bitches!

16) If you’re risk averse keep living vicariously through those around you. Just don’t start blaming those you live through for your issues.

17) At the end of the summer change your mobile number.

18) Do your utmost to ensure that summer 2009 is a summer filled with as many beautiful memories as possible. If change is forced upon you, embrace it, facing forwards rather than backwards. Remember

‘Have the courage to live. Anyone can die’ Robert Cody

Peace, Love and Sunscreen

Xxx

P.S.

The fabulous and extremely talented pop singer VV Brown (buy her album!!!) has set up an online vintage store called VV Vintage. Take a gander at the site and if you really like something, buy it lol! I also write a column for the website which is different but kinda the same thing as what I do on here, however it’s all about fashion. My column should be up this time tomorrow.

www.vvvintage.com/blog

I’m also writing for other websites and magazines however I’m notoriously bad with admin stuff so in about a month I’ll write a blog telling you as much as I can about what’s going on with me.

I’d also like to say a massive thank you for all your support. In a few weeks this site will be a year old and in that short time I’ve received thousands upon thousands of hits all around the world, a ton of opportunities and it’s all been down to you guys. Again a massive thank you and God bless xxx