Liar Liar ?

Less than a week into the post-MJ era I’ve realised there’s no real incentive for us to be remotely nice to people whilst we’re on Planet Earth. Regardless of what we do when we’re alive, when we die everyone’s going to be really nice about us, even/especially people that didn’t like us when we were alive. So when we all die, people will tell more (nice) lies about us to make themselves feel better about the (mean) lies they told about us when we were alive. Fun stuff.

I’m not annoyed about the nice lies people will say about me when I die, the fact is everyone lies. The early stages of most human relationships are built on lies! That’s why approximately 13 months and 26 days into any relationship, the woman (or man bitch) will scream/text
‘I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore!!!’

That’s because the very foundation of their relationship was built on both parties being the person they wish they were. Telling lies/half-truths/claiming that the hair on your head is yours when it was bought on the hair weave black market is what people do. It’s not right, but neither is the fact that electronic pink velour is still in mass production * shrugs * life sucks.

I’ve concluded that in this post MJ era people lie for one of three reasons: *

a) To protect themselves.
b) To protect someone else
c) Just because

* I hope this sentence demonstrates how meaningless the concept of a post MJ era is. I heard a music critic use it over the weekend and in honour of taking up ‘stupid activity because it’s summer’ I thought throwing around this phrase at any given opportunity would be a good start.

‘Just because’ lies are the lies that stupid screwed up people tell. The lies are so nonsensical we actually begin to contemplate whether they’re truths because nobody tells lies that outrageous. People that tell type c lies I don’t care for. And it’s pretty obvious why a person would tell a type a lie. However type b lies are a lot more complex.

A good friend of mine (who I can only describe as a self-denying player) recently called me semi-bothered about a dilemma.


Sidebar: Self-denying players are men that play women, but because all the women they have sex with/ refuse to elevate to official status/trick into falling in love with them, are aware that they’re not the only women that they call at 1 am in the morning, they use this as a justification for their behaviour. Apparently the fact women willingly enter these arrangements with prior knowledge of the man’s reluctance to commit, negates any wrongdoing on the players part. I think despite their denial such men are players, just players that should have been lawyers.

Now I love my friend deeply, but as a woman I don’t like him much. He is the kind of man that inspires and ensures the survival of the music genre known as ‘mediocre bitter R&B Pop ladies anthems’. He’s a good guy that does bad things. Things so bad women that don’t have a musical bone in their body, pick up the guitar and write songs about heartbreak, handbags and lost innocence.

So my friend called me to tell me that he had (kinda) cheated * on a woman then lied about it.

* Due to the sheer complexity of his love life and the fact all of his arrangements are simply friends with benefits/glorified friends with benefits we’re still trying to figure out if what he did was cheating or an act of betrayal. I’d love to rant about this and illustrate how the pitiful state of his love life proves there is a distinction between cheating and a betrayal. Unfortunately he has a thing for ‘crazy bitches that stalk me and add my female friends on Facebook’. So we do suspect at least 3 of these women read my blog.

What bothered my friend wasn’t the fact that he had ‘cheated’ but the fact he felt compelled to lie to a woman because he actually cared how the truth would make her feel, rather than the implications it would have on himself. And he didn’t think he cared that much about. It seems that among the women he’s associated with (who in his words range from ‘hoes to potential housewives’) she had managed to catapult herself into a realm where he was contemplating treating her with the dignity women deserve.

Following this personal breakthrough my friend decided I needed to rant about his new theory:

‘The moment a man is willing to lie to protect how a woman feels (rather than himself) that is when a man is on the road towards falling in love’

Because it’s the post-MJ era, my tolerance for idiocy and excuses has depleted further. Therefore to his ludicrous theory I replied, ‘Dog if I was you I would kill my self’ (words of the very alive Kanye West). You see as much as I know life issues aren’t black and white, with subjects like this I chose not to acknowledge shades of grey. If you care about someone as much as you claim to, you will do your utmost to live in such a way that you won’t find yourself in situations where you have to tell lies in aid of their ‘protection’.

However in a random poll of our BlackBerry messenger contacts, 14 out of 22 men either strongly agreed or agreed with the theory. Apparently any man that goes to great lengths to conceal his cheating ways, on some perverse level really cares about the woman he cheated on. It’s the men that cheat recklessly and admit straight away that are the real devils.

We tried to send more messages so our survey could have some sort of weight but then we started getting clocks (only members of the self-righteous BlackBerry brigade will understand the frustration that getting clocks can produce).

Perhaps our survey results are just a reflection of the fact that:

a) People that have BlackBerry’s have issues.
b) People sad enough to formulate surveys in their leisure time to prove/disprove a theory are a bit weird and are likely to have friends that are bit weird as well.
c) 14 out of 22 men are idiots.

Sadly I am now beginning to believe there is a genuine possibility that 14 out of 22 men lie more to women that they (nearly) love than those they (definitely) dislike.

And if our independent survey (which shows the sad effects of the intersection of hot weather and boredom) is accurate this means 14 out of 22 of relationships are about as stable as a morbidly obese stripper doing a tribal skank striptease on a three-legged stool.

It’s too hot for me to figure this out by myself.

What say you?


Peace, Love and Smile : )

Michael Jackson - 1958-2009, A tribute

Naturally I’m a cynic. I’m supposed to be scorn mass outpourings of grief.

This should be a rant where I mock people for being so upset saying their behaviour is symbolic of the vapidity and hypocrisy of human beings. I’d write that we need to stop mourning a man who tainted his legacy by consistently making questionable and erratic decisions whilst the world justified his behaviour because of the depth of his musical talent. I would end by saying we should get our act together, children are starving in Africa, there is a fight for democracy in Iran and instead of crying for someone we never met we should show love to those we actually know.

But I can’t.

I’m gutted. Absolutely gutted. I cried yesterday when I heard the news and again this morning when I realised it wasn’t a dream.

I’m actually shocked at how sad I am. If you’ve ever read my blog before you’ll know I’m not the type of person to romanticise things. I don’t do romance, I deal with harsh reality.

In fact I have always been a sharp critic of people attempting to normalise the behaviour that was characteristic of Michael Jackson in his later years. I was born in 1987, so unlike my parents and elders, I didn’t have the opportunity to witness his ascendancy to being the biggest pop icon ever or watch him at his greatest. My childhood memories are of a man that was ethnically ambiguous, sexually androgynous and childlike in all but appearance.

I’ve always held that his musical relevance stems from (what are arguably two of the greatest modern musical works ever) Off the Wall and Thriller. On that basis the past two decades have been people indulging a man based on feelings of nostalgia rather than concrete achievement. My tolerance for Michael Jackson’s antics was non-existent.

Despite this I have never been so moved by the death of a celebrity. Perhaps it’s because the soundtrack to the memories of the people I love most is filled with MJ tunes. My dad teaching me the lyrics to ‘Rockin Robin’ and ‘Blame it on the Boogie’ as a child, my best friend blaring MJ whilst cleaning our flat or attending Nigerian wedding receptions in the 90s and watching with glee as the aunties and uncles stormed the dance floor when the DJ played ‘Remember the time’ or ‘Gottta be Starting Something’. MJ songs are embedded in many of the precious memories of my journey on earth so far.

I’ve heard television commentators say that we should focus on the music not the man. But it’s impossible to divorce the man from his music. They were intertwined in a complex web and eventually merged to the point where stage fantasies became an unsettling reality.

It’s funny earlier on in the year I’d written a rant about how the absence of Michael Jackson from President Obama’s inauguration festivities had distressed me and what lessons I had learnt as a result of this observation. I remember calling my best friend rambling/ranting telling her how much it had upset me, ending with ‘babes don’t you realise he was the first black man that the entire world allowed in their homes, he’s done a lot for us. He’s a pioneer’. To which she responded that I was crazy and think far too much, so in the end I didn’t upload the rant.

The emotional reaction to Obama’s election demonstrated that despite elements of progress since the civil rights movement, many in the black community still grapple with feelings of diffidence. The structural inequalities that still remain in society have led many to accept the false ideology there are certain things that they will never be able to achieve. This is not because they lack the capacity, but because for some the suffocating barriers of institutional racism are so overwhelming they don’t even try to confront them.

Before Michael Jackson black people couldn’t be icons. The thought of a black artist breaking racial divides by selling out stadiums containing every race and demographic possible didn’t cross people’s minds. In a time when the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Malcom X were still an open wound, if you had posited the concept of a ‘Michael Jackson’ to anyone they would have told you the world wasn’t ready. Racism was to powerful a force . A black man would never be the face of brand like Pepsi and certainly couldn’t sell 65 million records with a single album.

Yet in his glory years Michael Jackson's achievements managed to alter the perception of what millions of black people believed that they could be. Michael Jackson gave people of all races the courage to believe that they could perhaps also achieve the impossible! Sadly when we examine the trajectory of his life it’s impossible not to feel disappointment and defeat. Indeed as shocking as his death feels, it was inevitable that he wouldn’t grow old.

Watching Jackson Five performances online all I could think was that it wasn’t supposed to end like this. A child from Indiana with a gift so great we still can’t comprehend it, somehow became the embodiment of broken dreams and unfulfilled potential.

The world is crying for a little boy with beautiful shining brown eyes, a voice with the power to make angels weep and a talent that should have been protected. Instead he was exploited in order to line pockets and feed the world’s desire to be entertained.

I’m crying because he never fully grasped the beauty that the world saw in his angelic face. In a tragic act of self-hatred he modified himself beyond recognition and chose to become the exploiter. He died a frail man, shrouded in controversy and a prisoner of his gift.

He was a man full of contradictions, ironies and paradoxes.

He died loved by many but he never loved himself.

He had millions of adoring fans yet felt alone.

He made music that brought people happiness, but the happiness he bestowed, eluded him.

He was a tragic reminder of the truth that freedom is greater than riches.

And I sincerely hope in death he has finally found the peace he so clearly craved in life.

Michael Joseph Jackson may your soul rest in peace.

My verdict on the Chris Brown verdict

Yesterday evening I received a ridiculous amount of messages expressing outrage with the Chris Brown verdict. Considering I didn’t receive a single message expressing outrage about the death of Neda Soltani, I think this demonstrates that we’re a generation with our priorities skewed. So sadly this will be a rant about Chris Brown, not a woman who died fighting for the civil liberties and rights many of us take for granted.

* Gets off high horse *


I do recollect writing a rant immediately after the Chrihanna scandal but bar the odd inappropriate cultural reference about the biggest pop scandal of the decade, I’ve pretty much kept away from blogging about it.

However because of the sheer number of requests I thought I might as well get my Google on and discover what’s good in Chris Brown’s hood. As completing my dissertation has left me research averse this took a humongous amount of effort.

After tracing images of what Rihanna wore to court (yes I’m that fickle) I eventually discovered what the world and his insane wife were so outraged about. According to reputable news outlets after pleading guilty, Chris Brown received 5 years probation, six months of community service and the judge imposed a stay-away order that demands that the two singers (Rihanna’s vocal predicament means the word singer is used in its loosest sense) must stay away from each other. As Chris Brown is now a convicted felon he loses the right to vote and carry a firearm.

My knowledge of the American judicial process is minimal at best and to state whether Chris received a harsh or lenient sentence would require research. Honestly I don’t care that much. I’m a blogger, not an investigative journalist. I don’t know how Chris will manage five years probation trouble free. Since most celebrities are simply attractive stupid people with a bigger need for validation than your average homosapien , they’re experts at doing stupid things to feed their insatiable desire for publicity. Therefore unless there’s a divine intervention or he gets a better lawyer for his next criminal case, I suspect Chris Brown will violate his probation and end up in jail at some point.

More unfortunately Chris Brown has lost his right to vote. As a self-confessed politics nerd, the thought of not being able to express which party is most deserving of my mandate is very distressing. Your vote is your voice and to be stripped of it is probably one of the biggest legal acts of dehumanisation. Some of you may argue this is a perfectly acceptable punishment considering the dehumanising experience he put Rihanna through. However I guess this depends what you believe what the judicial system is there for. Is it there to offer retribution for the victims or rehabilitation for the perpetrators? Personally I believe ideally it should be a blend of both, however most people lean towards the former.

Following months of media coverage that has tilted firmly in Rihanna’s favour, I have decided on my own interpretation of events. I honestly believe that Chris didn’t beat Rihanna up. I suspect they were both engaged in a physical fight, where using umbrellas (I’m a blogger it’s my constitutional right to embellish for comedic effect) they ripped the shreds out of each other. Basically they beat each other up.

Indeed it’s my suspicion that they probably had/have one of those crazy intense toxic destructive relationships where they ‘love’ each other so much when they fight they behave like beasts on ecstasy.

And I believe this for two reasons….

1) The Missing Mug shot

Before I wrote this rant I decided that the most appropriate accompanying picture would be Chris Brown’s mug shot. Funnily enough I could not find the Chris Brown mug shot anywhere. Considering the mug shot is the first thing leaked whenever celebrities do stupid things in their effort to making the kids also do stupid things, I found it bizarre that I couldn’t find Chris Beaver Brown’s (oh don’t act like you didn’t see the beaver resemblance!).

Now I do believe the mysterious absence of Chris Brown’s mug shot is a result of a self-imposed press blackout and lends credence to my theory that they had a physical fight. A Chris Brown mug shot where he has a face full of lacerations doesn’t fit the narrative the press have built. A situation where two misguided, hormonally charged, love struck, young celebrities beat each other up certainly wouldn’t sell any magazines. Hence the missing mug shot.

2) The Missing Bodyguard(s)

I find it hard to believe that two of the biggest stars in R&B were driving recklessly around LA without a bodyguard. Artists of their status and their bodyguards, assistants, entourage and ass kissers/wipers are practically fused to the hip. On that basis there is a very high probability that one of their bodyguards was driving behind them and saw the events unfold. This also lends credence to my theory that they fight regularly hence why the altercation wasn’t broken up. This wasn’t a random occurrence, this is what the two of them do/did. So the bodyguard thought he’d let them do their thing and in the morning they’d be back to being the lovebirds their publicists set them up to be. Unfortunately this time the events were in the public rather than the private sphere and a concerned citizen called the 50. And we all know what happened next.

Does this justify Chris Brown’s behaviour? Of course not, I’m trying to become a pacifist, so I (kinda) believe violence of all kinds is unacceptable. Nevertheless a situation where two adults are physically violent towards each other is not the same as one person beating the other with an umbrella (ok I’ll stop). Then again I could be wrong, he pleaded guilty after all, maybe he’s a violent thug however I’m not convinced.

Unfortunately for Chris Brown he doesn’t make music the type of music where being a convicted felon and engaging in random acts of ignorance instantly boost your popularity * cough commercial Hip-Hop *. A few months ago Beaver Brown was basically a black Jonas brother sans the virgin status. Sadly today at just age 20, he is a picture of the perverse misconception pushed by the media that young black men are more prone to violent/criminal activity. And despite having fame and fortune , he’s become an unfortunate statistic.

I doubt he’ll ever be able to recover from this. Then again in the world of pop, anything is permissible and all things are possible.

Peace, Love and Freeze

xxx

It’s her fault too…..!

As you all know I detest friendship cliques. They stifle individuality and mean that people blame/offload the issues they have with themselves on other people. When you have a clique that comprises solely of women, the issues multiply exponentially. As my bat shit threshold is non-existent, I refuse to join a female clique.

Despite this on Saturday some of my favourite female friends came together and I was temporary member of a clique. As all my friends are slightly insane, by the end of the night (well at approximately 4 am in the morning) we were attempting to defuse a conflict of Yom Kippur War proportions, book a cab, track a recorded phone conversation, cancel two cabs, buy food, locate an industrial estate, dodge a group of pimps and at one stage of the night we somehow found ourselves in a part of London that rhymes with Beckham.

All this whilst I’m wearing a peach tutu and more gold chains than Mr T.

Madness.

The night was so bizarre it necessitated us all to reconvene on Sunday afternoon so we could dissect the events and plan our next course of action. Due to security reasons I cannot divulge the exact nature of events. However as ever I’ll attempt to extrapolate a lesson that can be of wider use to us all.

It’s her fault too…..!

It’s a funny thing engaging in a debate about why men cheat. For some reason the spotlight is solely directed on men.

Whilst I don’t believe the ‘most men cheat’ myth, I do believe on occasions when men do cheat, none of these men are cheating alone. So why on earth is the debate conducted like men are off dates alone , buying fancy lingere for women that don't exist and booking into fancy hotels to pleasure themselves?

They’re not. They’re cheating with three types of people…

a) Other men
b) Innocent women who aren’t aware that these men are in relationships
c) Unscrupulous women who will not hesitate to pursue/entertain/seduce/tempt a man with the prior knowledge that he’s already in a relationship

I don’t really care about people type a and b. It’s the type c women that I detest.

What on earth happened to the concept of female solidarity? The one good thing (well third good thing if you include the right to vote and right to wear denim) that the feminists brought to women has been cast aside. On the other women cleave to everything that’s wrong about feminism- unnecessary defiance, chip on the shoulderism and bad haircuts.

I jest. This isn’t about feminism, this is about the fact that a lot of the mistrust and insecurity that some women feel when they’re in a relationship isn’t necessarily because of the man they’re with, but because they know how some women refuse to respect the boundaries of other people’s relationships.

Men bashing culture has meant that we now divorce the women that cheat with cheating men from any form of personal responsibility. Apparently the woman who ‘cheats with’ owes other women nothing. I get the logic behind such individualist thinking as ultimately it’s the responsibility of the two people in any monogamous relationship to remain committed to staying miserable.

However! Whilst discussing this topic with some random women who were new recruits to the ‘we hate men because we can’t keep men’ brigade, I attempted to explain to them that although men were a huge part of the problem, their type c accomplices deserved to receive a good flogging also. Why? The methods that these women use are so underhanded and manipulative only a certain type of person would be able to resist them.

As they needed further convincing I used a(nother) shoe analogy to demonstrate my point

Sidebar: I reduce most things to shoe/fashion analogies. I recently explained the Cuban Missile Crisis to a friend using Manolo’s and Choo’s as a reference point.

A(nother) Shoe Analogy

At the moment I’m in a monogamous relationship with the most beautiful pair of shoes. I love her and she loves me.
(The honeymoon stage of a relationship)

However within a couple of years she’ll be really familiar and I won’t pay her as much attention. In fact I don’t even take her out as much as I used to and neglect her. I still love my shoes, it’s just the novelty has worn off .
(The current state of 75% of relationships in the world)

Despite the fact she needs to be re-heeled and doesn’t look like she used to, I keep my shoes because she’s loyal.
(Marriage/A Partnership)

One day I’m minding my own business and a pair of new season Manolo’s are delivered to my house. They’re in my size, my type and just cheaper than my old ones. However they’re newer. Note! I didn’t even order these shoes; they turned up unannounced and uninvited.
(The She D’vil makes her first move on someone else’s boyfriend/husband)

Shocked that netaporter would deliver shoes for free; I do my good deed as a citizen and return them.
(The man says an emphatic no)

I go upstairs and look at my original shoes and after the phantom shoe delivery, her flaws are more apparent. The next day the shoes are delivered again. I return them. This continues for months. Soon the shoes start being delivered to my work place and seem to ‘turn up’ everywhere I am.
(The deranged She D’vil intensifies her campaign)

After a year, the shoes are still being delivered. And since no woman can resist free new shoes for that long, eventually I give in.
(The She D’vil wins)

Of course this isn’t an attempt to absolve cheating men of their duplitiousness. I’m just illustrating that often you can be tempted beyond your limits. Indeed after my analogy, all the women present admitted that after the first shoe delivery they would have given in.

However I will say the fact that the shoes were delivered persistently yet at no point did I ever have to pay a thing, is my way of saying that women who 'cheat with' are generally cheap and as we all know cheap women are like cheap shoes; no value for your money and they don’t hold well under pressure.

Anyway! There is a possibility that I’m wrong and regardless of the surrounding circumstances if the man’s in a relationship, if he cheats you can only blame him. What say you?

Before I go a quick memo for the She D’vils. Not only is karma a bitch but she’s an obese bitch with halitosis. Tread carefully.


Peace, Love and Superdrug

xxx

Some things just aren't a good idea....

Apologies for the blog deficit this week, I've been (ineffectively) juggling 4 other writing projects at once. I'm back and I do hope the editors waiting on my work do not check my site today or I'm screwed.

After 22 years 2 months and (can't be bothered to figure out the number) days on earth I am finally starting to figure out what is and what isn't a good idea. I have learnt countless invaluable lessons that I hope to one day to pass on to my offspring.

Sidebar: That's is if the world still exists in the next decade. Between the axis of evil, climate change and bad governance I am convinced the world will implode and all that will be left is cockroaches, Jacko's SARS mask and a Chanel 2.55.

Since I've managed to defy Home Office statistics I'm yet to be "baby mamafied" ergo I have no children to bless with my tidbits. So I’ll just burden you guys.

10 Things that aren't a good idea

1) Correcting feral children on London Transport

Since we're a generation defined by a sense of entitlement without a corresponding sense of responsibility, the children are wicked and evil. Not all of the children, but enough of them to mean I avoid public transport between 3.15 and 5.00 pm in the afternoon when they’re released from their holding cells. Some of you may disagree but then you probably have never got on the bus 436, which when filled with school children becomes the Gaza Strip on wheels. A word of advice, never attempt to correct the feral children. Just hide behind your newspaper and pray the kid sitting next to you hasn't got a weapon of mass destruction hidden in their Transformers lunchbox.

2) Eating just before you sleep

I don't know why and I'm sure there's some scientific explanation* but every time I eat a lot then sleep immediately after I dream weird things. The other day I dreamt Rihanna and Madonna were singing "Let it be" in harmony. Complete and utter Sonic torture.

* My scientific knowledge is very limited. Blame Hip-Hop.

3) Being someone’s only (insert your race/sexual preference/that thing that makes you different) friend

From experience when you're a person’s only (insert your race/sexual preference/that thing that makes you different) friend, you end up being asked questions that you would rather not answer. After a while you get tired of answering such questions with a forced smile when in your head you’re thinking ‘are you serious?’ On that basis, it makes sense if the person has another (insert your race/sexual preference/that thing that makes you different) friend before you, just so they would have directed all their nonsensical questions at them first.

4) Lying to cover up a lie

I don’t agree with lies but because we have an instinctive desire for our self-preservation, I get why people tell them. But lying to cover up a lie just makes life too complicated. Stick with the truth it’s a lot easier to remember.

5) Getting a Blackberry

BlackBerry’s are these pretentious little devices that help us project the façade of importance and connect us with people that we don't actually want to be connected to.

That being said I am a CrackBerry whore and will one day check into rehab for my addiction.
SideBar: I firmly believe 99% of emails are letters that otherwise never would have been sent.

6) Deactivating your Facebook account

You’re only going to reactivate it a week later!

7) Eating fast food on a regular basis

I'm convinced fast food restaurants are a method of population control. They ensure the masses are too physically unfit to gain any consciousness and even if they do they'll be too fat to revolt against the bourgeoisie. KFC eaters unite! *

*In light of number 7, just letting you all know I'm on a mission to get sued by a multinational corporation. It’s on my list of " things to do before I contemplate getting a face lift". That and finding out who the hell shaved off Craig David's china bumps, a sad day in music because they unwittingly triggered the Samson effect and ridded him of his musical powers.

8) Hating on Drake

At the moment my friends are split into two musical camps; people that love Drake and people can’t stand Drake. Some of you may not even be aware of who Drake is, so I would suggest you do your youtube/Wackapedia research.

One friend described Drake as ‘embodying everything that Kanye West and Lil Wayne do worst plus no swagger’. Despite this I’m a HUGE Drake fan . And even though ‘you da f^&*() best’ is a statement I ordinarily wouldn’t respond positively to, for some reason I think this is probably one of the most endearing/romantic Hip-Hop statements of the decade (I think that says more about state of Hip-Hop and society than me).

Cease from Drake hating, because just like the Hip-Hop purists that die that bit more every time they hear a Soulja Boy song, the probability is that he is soon to become so ubiquitous it will only serve to shave about 2 months off your life expectancy.

9) Asking a woman if she's pregnant

10) Defending oneself

People are going to believe what they’re going to believe about you. Ergo ‘never defend yourself, your enemies won’t believe it and your friends don’t need it’. Moreover the chances are if you’ve been accused of being something more than 5 times, you probably are it and just don’t know it. It’s not character assassination it’s just an accurate character appraisal by insecure people who feel the need to put you in your place.


Peace, Love and Happy Fathers Day

P.S Especially my dad. Guvna you are my heartbeat and I’m everything I am because of you! Love You!!!

The A Team Reunite

Henpecked, Pac-Man and I were talking about the fact that our generation seem incapable of conducting relationships that don’t collapse within 36 months. Whilst speculating about the major causes of this trend (video games, Oftsed Inspections, Hip-Hop, foul parents, reality TV) we decided it would be fun to formulate some relationship rules.

We can never claim to be any authority on how to conduct a healthy relationship, however we are seasoned experts on how not to conduct a relationship. On that basis, we believe that it is our calling in life to teach the pickney dem, how not to do it.

Feel free to agree/disagree/forward to friends/feel uncomfortable/wonder how we know all the stuff you do wrong….



1) If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself the below information won’t help you. So our first rule is in order to have a great relationship with anyone you first need to have a great relationship with yourself. We’re technically anti Oprah/Dr Phil self-help, as we believe it only serves to make screwed up narcissists believe they’re less narcissistic and screwed up than they really are. However we realise that self-hatred is an insidious force that causes 90% of relationship break ups. So get to know yourself and trying loving yourself. If you’re anti-love, try liking self, it’s a good start.

2) Don’t go partying with your partner. It serves no constructive purpose and is usually a recipe for disaster. The purpose for which parties were constructed is diametrically opposed to the values of a monogamous relationship. Unless you’re celebrating one of your birthdays or the birthday of mutual friend, party separately.

3) Avoid having mutual friends. Mutual friends make things unnecessarily complicated, e.g. when you guys eventually split up, we have to pick a side. If you’re one of those couples that have the same circle, today one of you must make the decision to stop speaking to your friends and find some new ones. Don’t worry about your friends being offended that you stopped speaking to them, they’ll get over it.

4) There is such a thing an idiotic expression of love. Women, do not ever get a tattoo of your boyfriend’s name on your body. That is unconstitutional, unbiblical, unnecessary and tacky. Any man that derives pleasure from you branding your body with his government name is in Henpecked’s words ‘a loser’.

5) Do not merge your lives to the point you can’t even envision going to the toilet without them being present. Making another human being ‘your world’ to the point ‘you can’t live/function without them’ is folly. For those that disagree, skip back to 1.

6) Every couple needs to have ‘a song’. If you don’t have an anthem…..* shrugs * you probably won’t last that long.

7) Couples that don’t argue, are couples we’re not interested in associating with. Permanent consensus is for people with no backbone, too unintelligent to posses a personal opinion and liberals whose privileged upbringing means they feel obliged to agree with the masses. The odd conflict is the litmus test for a healthy relationship and couples that never argue will probably never achieve anything of substance. Civil arguments are good. Violent arguments are poisonous. See here.

8) If you’re not sure you can handle the answer, don’t ask the question.

9) This is a rather controversial addition, because Pac-Man and Henpecked disagree. However I firmly believe spying is good and a sign of a healthy relationship. A woman who chooses to spy does so not because she doesn’t trust her boyfriends, but because she doesn’t trust other women. If a woman doesn’t feel even feel slightly tempted to spy on her partner it means

a) She’s with a specimen so worthless there’s no point spying.
b) She’s cheating
c) a + b + She’s on her way out


10) Spy but don’t pry. Henpecked and Pac-Man think they’re the same, I believe they're different. Prying = Looking through his phone when he leaves the room. That’s unconstitutional and unblical. Spying = Befriending one of his friends to the point they unwittingly become your informant. That's wisdom.

11) Don’t spend too much time together. The more time you spend with him/her, the more their idiosyncrasies (that you once found endearing) will begin to irritate the hell out of you. The truth is absence makes the heart grow fonder.

12) We are convinced that unless you were married 5 years prior to the inception of Facebook, if you put you’re in a relationship and pair with the person on that addictive site, you’ve cursed your union forever. For those of you that disagree with me, read this post in 10 years and I can assure you that you’ll no longer be with your partner.


13) Just because women do stupid things, does not make women stupid. In fact women are incredibly intelligent creatures, unfortunately we fall short at the executing great plans because we allow our emotions to cloud our judgement and action. But as a general rule, men must never underestimate their opponent. Women are a lot smarter than they will have you believe.

14) Due to rule 7 + 11, I’ve been coerced into writing the following. If your girlfriend always uses the ‘don’t worry I’ll pay’ test even though you both know she doesn’t want to pay and is just doing it ‘because it’s one of those sick twisted double standards tricks women use’, next time she offers, accept her request.

15) Stop complaining.

16) A lot of people * cough men * are in relationships with people (women) they don’t like that much, because they were worn down/tricked into the relationship. The woman then gets wound up/distressed/cries for hours on end because their boyfriend is inattentive. This isn’t actually a rule, just an observation of what people will tolerate because they’re afraid of being alone and embracing themselves. It also lends further weight to our theory that people are a bit stupid and the creator of 90% of their own problems.

17) For some reason people agree to get into a relationship, then one party decides that’s the appropriate time to start acting nonchalant. That’s not wise. You like each other, stop fronting.

18) If you did rule 1 you will know what you want and what you deserve from your propspective partner. However the probability is you didn’t. So you probably don’t know what you want or what you deserve. There’s no shame in that, most people don’t know what they want. HOWEVER if in a relationship and you begin to discover what you want/deserve and the person does not match your requirements, please don’t try and change them. You don’t have superpowers, people will only change if they have the desire, will and drive to do so. You cannot cause that. You may inspire a change, but it’ll probably be inspired by your absence not your nagging presence. There are 6 billion souls in this world, move on find someone else and stop trying to be their personal Messiah.

19) Never act after taking advice from a single bitter friend.

20) If you got into a relationship with a person by pretending to be a better version of yourself e.g. behaving nothing like yourself, we would advise you to keep pretending. It makes things much easier.


Peace, Love and 2:1’s

xxx

Face Fraud was the Case

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with some girlfriends and one described the following incident.

She went out to a club and whilst slightly inebriated she was approached by a young gentlemen. Have you ever randomly met someone in a club then latched on for them for the rest of the night? I haven’t (my mother taught me that strangers tend to be strange) but this is what she proceeded to do. At the end of the night they exchanged numbers and for the next few weeks they embarked on a whirlwind textual and phone call romance. *

*You know the deal, incessant texting and phone calls at hours that only vampires and children with bad parents frequent.

Due to the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol my friend couldn’t remember what this man looked like. Nevertheless they continued their phone romance because when she asked him to remind her what kind of facial aesthetics he was working with he gave the impression he looked like this.

After nearly a month met and in her words

“ I couldn’t believe my eyes, he was hideous”

The 25 minute rule * meant my friend was soon saved from her misery. She apologised, gathered her belongings and has declined/diverted/dropped all his calls ever since.


* The 25-minute rule is a dating rescue tactic my friends and I use. 25 minutes into a date the designated friend will make a phone call and if they don’t pick up we know it’s going swimmingly. If they pick up the phone we have a conversation where we act like there’s some emergency, so they can make a swift exit. This tactic is reason number 2,456 why Henpecked will never trust women.


In my eyes, this is more than a story it’s a parable. In fact it’s such a precious parable I’m considering releasing it in mixtape form, just so the youths can hear it (because you know they don’t really read anymore) and glean from it. But instead of us discussing the parable and how we could apply its lessons into our own lives to, a certain member of our party had obviously taken her ‘self-righteous’ medication that morning. In turn she insisted on lecturing my friend about how superficial her decision was. Furthermore the fact that they had great phone conversations indicated that that their future relationship could have been grounded on something deep rather than something as ‘meaningless’ as physical appearance.

I cannot defend my friend’s decision to end the date so abruptly (I think he deserved at least an hour of her time) but the bottom line is being physically attracted to a person matters a great deal. Anyone that says looks don’t matter in their selection of a partner is either…..

a) A liar
b) A liar
c) A naive person with honesty issues

Now I don’t feel particularly sorry for this guy because he had deliberately drawn out their speaking on the phone period with the awareness that women are too quick to fall in phone love. As such he sought to use phone love as collateral against his face. Furthermore the fact that he picked a drunk, pretty (and not very bright) girl, deceived her for weeks with his sweet talk suggests to me that he’s a face fraud expert.

Technological innovation and the explosion of people using the internet to hook up means that Face Fraud is rampant. In fact we all know at least 20 people that via there
Facebook pictures are duping people with regards to what they look like. Some of them will be successful in their fraudulent activity, as many a internet romance based on photo shopped profile pictures, have blossomed into the toxic, self-destructive relationships that most normal people are engaged in. Face fraud isn’t a moral issue, it’s just a tool the myspace generation use to enhance their chances of meeting someone of the opposite sex.

Yet as I attempted explain to the self-righteous dinner guest the concept of face fraud, its implications she got incredibly offended (maybe it was because I articulated my opinions offensively, she was annoying). Anyway just as I thought she would throw sushi at my face I had a bit of an epiphany.

We live in a world that insists on creating, projecting and pushing a narrow image of beauty that the average person can’t attain. As such the ‘looks debate’ is a highly sensitive area because nobody meets the standards set. That’s because they’re imaginary creations that take hours of make-up, styling and airbrushing to fabricate. In essence what we believe to be beautiful is a big fat lie. Consequently the benchmark by which we measure ‘good lookiness’ against is so skewed and perverse at least 80% of us need to be reprogrammed.

But for the 20% of us that have taken the red pill (or is it blue pill? I don’t like films so that Matrix reference is probably incorrect) and have dissociated our preferences from skewed beauty expectations, we will have discovered what we personally find attractive. And since everyone has different preferences, it means that no matter what someone looks like, as long as they have a decent level of hygiene, they will get picked up because someone amongst the 20% will find them attractive.

If you don’t agree * shrugs* Migraine Skank…it’ll make you feel better.

Anyone with an iota of sense will be aware you cannot base a relationship solely on how attractive you find a person. In fact relationship chemistry/success is attained due to the interaction of a plethora of variables relative to the individuals involved. These variables may range from attractiveness, common interests/values to how much money the other person makes! Yet even the most virtuous variable e.g. honesty cannot be pursued in isolation. I would rather be single forever than be with a man who was honest but lacked ambition.

I understand why my friend did what she did because looks matter. And for her they matter an awful lot. At the same time it’s not wise to over-emphasise looks or any other variable when screening prospective partners.

Now there is a possibility that by dismissing a man because he looked like a person only two siblings could conceive, my friend missed out on the love of her life. However I sincerely doubt it, he wore Bandanna print trainers.

* Goes off to pour liquor for those that have been led astray *

Peace, Love and Brandy

xxx

The Good Men Crisis

I recently had a discussion with Bag Lady and a friend of ours named X and we were discussing the fact that countless women believe there are no good men left.

In the course of that conversation we managed to ascertain a number of crucial things about the apparent good men crisis.

• There is no universal authority/definition by which we can measure good men against. In fact the whole notion of a good man is relative to the perspective of the females around him. For Danielle a good man may be a man who cheats less than he used to, only hits her when he’s drunk but always pays the bills. Whilst for Sally a good man may be a guy who can buy her Gucci and attends church regularly. The good men parameters are so wide the very concept of a good man is entirely redundant.

• Our pedantic preoccupation with definitions aside, we all know good men exist. However there's a recession and women are no longer dumping men for trivial reasons. As such the apparent good men crisis is being exacerbated by the economic crisis and like the housing market the good man market is crashing. Women are holding on harder to their men and good men who are single are aware that the fiscal costs of a relationship means they’re better off alone.

• Both good and bad women hound good men. In fact the quest to find (trap) a good man, will often turn an otherwise good woman very nasty. The level of digustiness that women reduce themselves in order to get a good man, it’s no wonder why some women believe that good men no longer exist. It’s because they're busy hiding away from crazy women!

Suddenly X made an incredibly powerful and profound statement. In fact it was so deep we didn’t speak over him for the next 3 seconds. And if you know Bag Lady and I personally, you will be aware that is an incredible achievement


SideBar: X is the friend that everyone thought was stupid until you started to listening to what they said and watching what they did. And then everyone realised that they’re not only smart but quite dangerous. Despite this when X has his ‘smart moments’ we’re all still shocked because we still forget his IQ isn’t negative.

X said and I quote

"It’s not that there aren't any good men. It's just that good men often do bad things, and women wrongly believe they’re bad men”

* Can we please have a moment of silence? *

Now as we processed that statement, we asked X to explain himself properly and here is an abridged version of his argument…

• Society has created a role for men, that most men can't match as they lack the capacity to do so. Men have never had a revolution akin to the feminist revolution where they could question the unrealistic expectations that women place on them. These unrealistic expectations are compounded by the fact that many women don’t support their men, because they don’t realise men need support.

• There are millions of men trying to be good men but they fail daily because they don’t have magazines, Oprah and family members teaching them how to handle the opposite sex. Women get this advice daily from about the age of 12.

• Therefore many men fail at being good men because it’s the equivalent of making a blind man do an eye test.

At this point we completely agreed with everything X had said. X then proceeded to give us various examples of how good men are incorrectly framed as bad men because women fail to understand the idiosyncrasies of the male gender.

For example if a man doesn’t call a woman back, it’s often interpreted as an act of spite. Yet X argues unless a man is a man bitch, the spite gene is absent from his DNA. The truth is most men just don’t like talking on the phone for excessive periods of time.

The only reason a man would willingly speak on the phone for hours is if it’s at the inception of a relationship. This is because all men are aware that unless you’re dealing with a less discerning woman (he used the word hoe), you’re going to have to put in some phone conversation time to get to your desired outcome.

But then X put his foot in it by saying…

‘A good man could cheat on his woman, it wouldn’t make him a bad man'

At this point we were completely appalled/disgusted/unsurprised so we asked X to justify himself. His argument followed the typical ‘men don’t associate sex with emotions like women do’, ‘sex for men is just not that deep’, ‘just because he cheated on her doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her’ line.

In response to his vacuous justification Bag Lady asked….

‘If your girlfriend cheated on you, would she still be a good woman?’

X replied
‘The way girls are raised means and the way women are means that women that cheat are either conniving social deviants or too damaged to even bother with. A lot of men that cheat do so because they’re good but weak. Women that cheat are being evil.’


At this point I realised there was no point continuing the conversation as X had decided that his sole aim in life was to wind us up and be an ignoramus. However what bothered me most was that despite some questionable views X is what I would still call a good guy. He holds down a job, loves his mum, pays his taxes, if he has a girlfriend she’s fed/watered sufficiently and he would probably help a stray cat.
.
So we turned to X and asked…

How bad have things got that the good guy bar is so low, specimens like you are considered good guys?

Furthermore where on earth did we go wrong and who do we blame?

Is it women for allowing good guy to get away with bad guy behaviour simply because they were good guys?

Or good guys aware of the fact they were rare commodities and so they took advantage of their good guy status?

We couldn’t solve this one.

What say you?


Peace, Love and Houses

xxx

Henpecked and I 'help' a nice guy

Happy Monday!

A few days ago I received an email from one of my readers asking Henpecked and I for advice. I would love to screen dump (or whatever the terminology is) but I’m useless with that stuff so here’s my summary….

This guy has been with his girlfriend for close to a year now. He really likes her, believes she may be ‘the one’ (this was the point where Henpecked started to think he wasn’t all there) but there is only one problem. Sadly like bad hair weaves and South London’s female residents, his girlfriend and her male best friend are joint at the hip and refuse to part. He has always been rather uncomfortable with their relationship but accepted it because they’ve been best friends since Secondary School. However the other night (Copied and pasted) ‘She slept round his house, in his bed and didn’t think anything was the matter. When I told her I didn’t like it she got angry, dropped the phone and we haven’t really been speaking since’.

Henpecked and I inferred/assumed/concluded that his girlfriend’s best friend is taller, better looking and possibly richer than him. So basically this guy lost.

Henpecked wanted to title this rant ‘The Grave Implications of being a Man Bitch and How to get your Y Chromosome Back’, however I am aware this is real life, so we must handle this issue sensitively.

First and foremost we honestly believe that men and women can be just friends. Unfortunately we live in a hyper-sexualised society so many people cannot interpret a relationship between a male and female within a non-sexual framework. However such relationships do exist. We’re not trying to blow our own trumpet, but Henpecked and I are a shining example of a platonic friendship between a man and a woman.

However we didn’t know that people of the opposite sex, who are apparently just friend did sleepovers for fun. Heck we didn’t know adults still did sleepovers. Are we missing a new trend? Last time we both checked, sleeping in another man’s bed when you have a boyfriend was inappropriate behaviour. On the other hand we’re aware that we live in a society where most people are not only stupid but morally bankrupt, so perhaps this is another thing that deranged Liberals think is ok.

Due to the nature of my childhood, I’ve never had any inclination towards sleeping in the same bed as Henpecked. As I haven’t done my ‘monthly diversity tip’ in the effort towards racial harmony, I’ll let you know another anecdotal fact about ‘ethnic minorities’ (I hate that term). African children raised in western societies between 1970-1995 rarely held or attended sleepovers. Let’s just say our parent’s were/are a bit superstitious and they feared that we would come home telling them to shut up like the kids on Eastenders. Ergo I’m a bed fascist. I only like my bed, because other beds are inferior. Furthermore I know for a fact that if Henpecked’s girlfriend ever found me in his bed, I’d be on a blog hiatus recovering from severe injuries to the head.

In Henpecked eyes the ‘sleepover’ was the ‘ultimate disrespect’ and he doesn’t understand why any man in his right mind would even entertain a conversation talking about such a blatant act of rudeness. As such Henpecked believes in order to preserve the little that’s left of his masculinity this guy must get rid of his girlfriend.

Or as he put it….
“You sound like a nice guy. As you’re a nice guy I’m guessing this is a trend in your life, because women are evilest to the nice ones, and nice to the evil ones. You’re one of those nice guys who looks after kids that aren’t yours, drives evil pretty women and their ugly friends around even though none of them have any intention of sleeping with you and I can bet about 6 of your friends owe you money. You have nice guy syndrome. Stop being so nice, hit the gym and believe in your head that you’re in a relationship with Halle Berry. It will completely change your outlook on life”.

I completely agree with Henpecked, this guy should get rid of his girlfriend because she’s clearly not that in to him! When women get into a new relationship (if they’re truly besotted) for the first 0-18 months they have a tendency to neglect all their other relationships. Some of you may disagree with me….* shrugs * but that’s how women are. As soon as they get in a relationship, they speak to their friends less. And the only friends that get offended are the single ones, because they’re lonely.

Social fact of the day: The only women that still spend excessive time on the phone with their girlfriends are single women complaining about the lack of men and women in relationships so toxic they need constant counsel.

Therefore the fact she’s in a relationship with him yet has somehow managed to maintain the same level of intensity she has with her male best friend, suggests that the massive hole many women are trying to fill because of daddy issues/insecurity/magazines/plain madness is not being filled by her current boyfriend.

To put it quite simply, she doesn’t think he’s good enough but he’s not that bad, she likes him a lot but not that much, ergo she’s biding her time until someone better comes along.

So I know it’s childish but my advice is to dump her before she dumps you.

Peace, Love and iMac

xxx

The Top 10 things that offend women that (most) men don’t care about

I’m really bad at staying in touch. And it’s not because I don’t care about the people in my life. I care deeply about them. I just don’t care for speaking on the phone. As such I avoid phone calls and 80% of the time I accidentally on purpose forget to retrieve my voicemail.

Rather than engaging in a 45-minute phone call where my mobile near singes my cheek, I would much rather meet up and actually interact. But meeting up requires a phone call to arrange a meeting.

And so a vicious cycle ensues.

As a consequence of my phonehomophobia I’ve lost quite a few female friends. And since men don’t care to keep track of who phoned who last, I now have about 2 male friends to every female .

Sidebar: I’ve probably lost my female friends for a plethora of reasons (my bluntness, intolerance for stupidity, elitism, hatred of bad weaves) however my reckless application of Occam’s razor means I’m sticking with phonehomophobia.

The fact that I am officially ‘that girl with all the male friends’ I’ve realised there are certain things in life that offend women deeply but most men don’t care about.

The Top 10 things that offend women that (most) men don’t care about

1) Someone not calling them back
The preamble to this rant means the next sentence will reek of hypocrisy, but like every woman in the universe (any woman that disagrees is a hermaphrodite and doesn’t know it) I hate it when a man I like doesn’t call me back .

In fact if done persistently it probably ranks as one of the top 5 reasons that I would contemplate if ‘I'll bring arms house to your mums house’
* ‘I'll bring arms house to your mums house’ is Grime for an ignorant futile altercation that escalates into violence for no apparent reason. It finds its root in a song called POW! which can only be described as the best grime song. Ever.

2) Not texting/emailing/skyping/facebooking/(insert oversaturated form of communication) back


3) Forgetting Birthday’s
If you forget a woman’s birthday you are on her X List. I’ll rant about the X List at a later date, but even without expounding on this construct I’m certain 90% of the women reading have an idea what it is.

4) Their friend’s new boyfriend that they don’t like
Do I really need to expand?

5) A woman that occupies an opposing position to her in the Beyonce debate.

If I had to be really crude I’d separate women into three chunks
a) Beyonce haters
b) Beyonce worshipers
c) Women that for the purpose of this debate don’t matter because they screw up my analysis.

Girl 1 “Beyonce’s sooooo overrated, she can’t sing and she’s not that pretty. Kelly’s so much better she just never got a chance”

Appalled that ignorance of such greatness still exists in twenty oh nine, Girl 2 says “Stop hating” Then launches into a less than compelling argument in defence of Beyonce Sasha-Fierce Knowles-Carter.

By the end of the discussion both women will not only be offended but dislike each other, all because of Beyonce.

6) A woman that lies about her dress size

Social fact for the day: Every clique has a member who is a liar.

If you don’t agree with the above
a) You’re probably the liar and haven’t come to terms with it
b) You’re the naïve member of the clique

In the male clique the liar is the guy that is always talking about how much money he’s making but everyone knows he’s broke. He stunts with a bottle of Belvedere in the club knowing full well there’s no water coming out the tap at his house.

In the female clique the liar is the girl that insists she’s two dress sizes smaller than she actually is. Her delusion causes her to buy clothes that don’t fit. Most women find such women offensive, because they tend to be the type of woman that like to steal boyfriends and is always copying someone’s clothes.

Does a man care if a woman’s a size 12 but she says she’s an 8? Of course not. Well unless he’s a Beta Male. And Beta Males don’t count.

7) Criticising Primark/whatever their favourite shop is

The fact that I still receive hate mail concerning this has taught me two things

1) Primark is legal (fabric) crack
2) If you critique a woman’s favourite shop she will be offended.

Whereas men don’t care enough to take it personally if you critique their favourite clothing brand. Unless they’re Beta Males *cough Kanye * and as we know (all together now) Beta Males don’t count.

8)Borrowing clothes and not returning them/returning them in substandard condition

I should have put this higher up because after someone stealing their boyfriend and feeling unappreciated, it’s one of the top 3 reasons for the premature demise of female friendships.

9)Men that cheat

Women hate men that cheat. The only things that women despise more than men that cheat are women who knowingly cheat with them and men like Chris ‘I hit girls’ Brown.

On the other hand cheating men don’t offend men because according to Nameless men get it. And they get it, not because they’re all cheats, but men understand that you can be a good guy and do bad things.

10)Pretty women who don’t want to be their friend
I know many women for whom this doesn’t apply, but I know a significant chunk that it does. So it’s made my top 10.

The perverse messages being fed to women by the media combined with the unrealistic beauty standards that they’re expected to match are basically a cocktail for craziness. Ergo many women get slightly unnerved/curious/jealous when a woman of superior/equal attractiveness enters the room. They’ll never admit it but they do.

Now if this woman is attractive and aloof they will be offended. And they will; express their offence by criticising the woman’s attire/appearance when all they really want is to be friends.

And a non-Beta Male will never be offended by a pretty woman who doesn’t want to be his friend, he’ll only see it as a challenge.

Peace, Love and Conner Reeves

xxx

Henpecked and the Friend Card

Now before I rant if you all could be so kind to please.....

Vote for my friend Femi Oyeniran (Kidulthood/Adulthood) short film ‘Fresh off the boat’ it’s his directorial debut. You can view and vote at

http://www.filmlondon.org.uk/film_productions_details.asp?FilmID=2

And….

Buy Bashy’s debut album Catch Me If You Can it came out yesterday, I don’t generally do recommendations but I heard it, it’s pretty fantastic. Support UK music!


Right let’s go!!!

A few days ago I had a rather intense debate with Henpecked regarding the infamous ‘friend card’. You know when one of the participants in a friendship likes the other but they patronisingly respond with ‘oh you’re great, in fact you’re nearly perfect but I see you as just a friend’, yes that card!

According to Henpecked the ‘friend card’ is another reason why many men believe that at least 80% of women are either

a) Crazy
Or
b) Shady

The only point of consensus of the debate was the belief that women rarely get shown the friend card. In fact, Henpecked claims the only women who regularly get shown the friend card are…

a) Women with faces as attractive as feet (in Henpecked’s eyes the only thing uglier than feet is a mutant toddler flying around in an imaginary sick sad world where Lil John and Lil Wayne cross bred with Venus Williams)

Or

b) Women with inappropriate tattoos*

*In Henpecked’s world a woman with inappropriate tattoos (for example a tattoo on her neck of a giant dove with fangs with the words Free Killa/R.I.P Tupac written underneath in italic) should be avoided at all costs, as she has passed the visual litmus test for hoeness, ghetto activity and ignorance with flying colours. Such women only get shown the friend card.


Why men get shown the friend card…..

According to Henpecked when a man meets a woman, after appraising her physical appearance (and level of hygiene) he places her in one of two categories.

The ‘yeah of course I would’ box

And

The ‘never in a million years not even if I’m high, drunk, morbidly obese and crippled’ box.

And if a man places a woman in the ‘yeah of course I would’ category, as we established last week, he makes her his latest project.

On the other hand a woman’s process of categorisation is more complex. On a very basic level women have the ‘yeah of course I would’ box and ‘never in a million years not even if I’m high, drunk, morbidly obese and crippled’ box.

But women also have a ‘yeah of course I would but I don’t like his clothes/nose/(insert arbitrary flaw)’ box

A ‘yeah of course I would but I prefer his friend’ box

A ‘yeah of course I would but he reminds me a bit of my ex’ box

A ‘yeah of course I would but I’m just not sure’ box

A ‘never in a million years but I’ll let you take me out to dinner’ box

Women have countless boxes.

Consequently dating is never black and white and pulling the friend card is what women often end up doing.

And it’s not because we’re ‘unscrupulous, manipulative, without a clue about what we really want’ (Henpecked’s words). It’s simply because for women getting to know a man is a genuine process of discovery, and sometimes in that process we don’t like what we discover, ergo we pull the friend card.

Despite this Henpecked believes that telling a man he’s ‘just a friend’ after he has gone on multiple dates, driven a woman to and from numerous places, wasted his hard earned free minutes, pretended to open up and lied that he’s never met a woman as special as her (basically done all the necessary things to get a woman in bed) should be an illegal offence. Furthermore he says that if any woman did that to him he would

‘Get back everything I gave. I’d invoice her, swear down’

So since Henpecked thinks that this blog needs to help men more, out of the goodness of his hollow heart he formulated three rules that all men must implement in order to never have the friend card waved in their faces.

Sidebar: Can I just state that the rules are all predicated on Henpecked's life philosophy. Part of which is that being ‘nice’ to a woman a man gets nowhere. We’re going to rant about this theory at some point this week.

The 3 Rules

1) Tell her you’re seeing someone….even if you’re not

If you’re attached women want you a million times more. This is because women love wanting things that other women have. So if you tell her there’s another girl in the picture, she’ll want you more, even if she didn’t want you in the first place

2) Don’t buy her anything

Unless you know she’s trying to get with you, don’t buy her anything. Anything. Don’t even offer her chewing gum

3) Don’t call her…regularly

Don’t bombard her with your swagger. Call her infrequently, but call her enough for her to wonder why you don’t call her more. It’s better to have her bitching to her friends about how much you don’t call her, than how much you do call her.


Peace, Love and Christopher Kane

xxx

20 Fashion Tips for Men and Women

A few days ago a good friend of mine asked me to be his personal stylist and take him shopping as he’s off to Napa/Malia/Ibiza/(insert ubiquitous holiday location where you’ll definitely run into someone you don’t want to see)

The shopping trip was rather hilarious and after 6 hours of arguing about why I was right and he was wrong he turned around to me and said

“You know what Christiana you’re a bit brutal at times and after today I like you a lot less but I think should do a rant where you tell people the shopping advice you’ve given me. But in a polite way….”



1) You name the price
When you see a garment that you like before you verify its price decide in your mind what you believe it’s worth.

If your price is above its actual price and it looks good on, buy it.

If your price is below its actual price by more than 10%, leave it on the hanger.


2) The higher it costs the more wary you should be

The fact that some brands get away with charging consumers exorbitant amounts for distinctively average clothing is a reflection of our generation’s vapidity and obsession with wearing designer clothing. The price of a garment isn’t indicative of quality or beauty. Just because it’s by a ‘big name’ designer does not make it worth your money.

3) Velour is rarely appropriate or flattering.

4) Zebra print doesn’t even look good on Zebras. Keep away.

5) Buy two
Most people have a staple item in their closet that they wear at least twice a week. For me it’s a white/black vest. Other people have a favourite pair of jeans. My advice, the day you’re shopping and happen to stumble across the perfect ‘staple item’, buy two. You’ll never regret it.

6) Make sure it fits.
A very basic rule, but the overwhelming number of thongs I see on a daily basis demonstrates that it’s very easily forgotten. Even if you’re going for the Johnny Bravo/Jessica Rabbit look, remember there is such a thing as an item being too tight.

7) Sales wisdom
Sales sections are often an assortment of items that were too ugly to sell when they were full price. Remember, just because an item is discounted does not mean you’re getting value for your money.

8) Take magazine recommendations with a pinch of salt.

The magazines tell us that Hareem pants are in and 'coincidentally' they can name us 15 shops that are all selling Hareem pants. Despite the fact that Harem pants didn't suit Aladdin (let alone the female physique) suddenly every single woman is wearing Harem pants. Now I’m not anti Harem pants, I’m just anti magazine editors manipulating consumers into buying unflattering garments because of their business relationships with certain brands. Now considering the fact fashion editors are supposed to act in the interest of the consumer not their pals at various fashion houses, I'm surprised there hasn't been a movement against the dispproportionate amount of power magazine editors have in dictating the fashion status quo.

But whatever... ! Next time you see a 'fashion must have' just remember it's more about making someone money, than making you look good!


9) Sunglasses

www.giantvintage.com

Sssshhhh don’t tell anyone!

10) Receipts

Try and keep your receipt however if you lose it really doesn’t matter.

Receipts aren’t a legal requirement of in-store transitions, shops simply issue receipts because they make sense. Just remember receipts do not place an onus on you the consumer. Any manger that refuses to refund you because you have no receipt is in breach of the Sales of Goods Act 1979. The only scenario in which you’re not entitled to a refund (without a receipt) is if you were made aware of a fault before purchase.

The ’28 days no refund’ rule shops try to pull is just an arbitrary line they set so they don’t have to give refunds. The Sales of Goods Act 1979 requires the consumer to return the item in ‘reasonable time’, there are no strict parameters and a trader can be liable up until 6 years after you purchased an item.

Furthermore all those ‘it’s on sale so no refund/exchange’ polices are also illegal.
Again just ask to see the manager and start your sentence with ‘Under the Sales and Goods Act 1979…’ and believe me you will get your refund. This is probably one of my favourite things to do in life....seriously!

11) Shop window rule
If an item is in a shop window or on a mannequin inside the shop, I would advise you to resist from purchasing it. This is because it’s more likely to be trendy rather than stylish meaning in about 8 months you won’t like it. There's a recession....let's spend wisely!

12) If you don’t have time to try it on….
You should ALWAYS try before you buy. But sometimes circumstances won’t allow it. I learnt this randomly but it works for men and women
The Jeans Rule- Pick up the jeans at the top and try fit it around the circumference of your neck (make sure it's buttoned/zipped up). If it’s a nice snug fit, with a bit of movement buy. If it can’t fit round your neck. Don’t buy.

Seriously it works….!

13) White
Bar white t-shirt/vests, white is probably one of the most difficult colours to pull off. Tread carefully and if you can keep away from white shoes…

14) Buy it with conviction
If you feel even slightly diffident about buying something put it back on the rack, straight away! The key to great outfits isn’t necessarily about the beauty of the garment but more to do with the confidence of the person wearing it. You bring life to the clothing, not the other way around. Therefore, only buy clothes you believe in!

15) Celebrity trends
As most female celebrities have the physiques of pre-pubescent boys living in a famine ridden land and the men are on average about 5”4 , people should emulate celebrity trends with great caution.

16) Men don’t be afraid to accessorise
Whilst most women have realised that beautiful accessories are the icing on the cake, sadly many men are afraid to accessorise.

Men, embrace the accesorisation! Contrary to the opinion of a few narrow-minded folk, wearing nice accessories is not a subliminal form of coming out of the closet. It just means you have great style.

17) Abandon the homogenised high street and shop at charity/vintage shops

18) Never be afraid to ask for a discount
This doesn’t work on the high street, but often in small independent shops if you buy a lot of clothes and ask quite nicely they’ll give you a discount (this is my other favourite thing to do).

19) If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. There are only two debts worth having; a student loan and a mortgage.

20)Never ask the sales assistant
Sales assistants are there for one thing and one thing only, to sell you things. Don’t ask their opinion, because the probability is they’re going to lie. Leave the changing room and ask a random person of the opposite sex for their honest opinion. Or shop with a trusted friend.

Peace, Love and Diversity!!!!

xxx