Men and the Two Outcomes

In light of the fact recent events have convinced me I understand men less than I thought, I decided to write part two of this rant in conjunction with a good friend of mine, who shall be called MC Nameless.

I decided to make Nameless an official Christiana Rants contributor, when he said to me…

“Christiana why the f&*( do you keep asking your female friends advice on men when most of them aren’t in decent relationships? I told you stop following their advice, it’s all based on R&B music anyway”

In that moment, I realised I had to get him on board.

There is a huge possibility that Nameless is the worst type of man possible and his opinions aren’t an accurate reflection of the behaviour/thought process of the wider male population. However as much as it pains me, my hunch is that Nameless is completely right.

'Men focus purely on their intended outcome’

Now anyone that’s worked or been in an educational institution will have had to undertake some type of project. As we’re all aware projects vary in depth, length, nature and intensity. But the connecting feature of all projects is that they all have an aim/outcome that is determined before the project starts. And that’s how men view women.

Because when a man meets a woman she becomes (to put it crudely) a project.

Between the ages of 17-29 (29 is arbitrary cut off point that we decided your average man may be more willing to settle down), most men’s desired outcome is sex. Nothing more, nothing less. The late night phone calls, dates, emails, facebook messages, BlackBerry messenger conversations are all in aid of this cause. All the effort made trying to get to know a woman (which is a euphemism for trying to have sex) are just different innovations used to get a woman in bed.

Then some men (men that aren’t like Nameless/Henpecked and over 29) see a girl and decide their desired outcome is to make that woman his wifey.

Therfore as a general rule there are two outcomes that dictate every single thing a man does…

1) Make her a jump off (short-term outcome)

2) Make her a wifey (long-term outcome).

That’s it. It’s probably the simplest thing to understand about men. They view women through one of two lenses, short run or long run.

BUT!

The outcome isn’t necessarily fixed because according to Nameless


‘If a girl’s game is tight she can get a man to switch up the whole agenda. Like there was this one girl who I thought was straight jump off material. But then we had a conversation and I was like wow you actually have brains. And for a moment I was actually considering making her a long-run project. But then I slept with her and then there was no point trying to get to know her at that point. But she came close to changing my preferred outcome. Not many women can do it, but girls with tight game are the masters. Thing is not that many girls have tight game ’

* Blank Face *

Furthermore contrary to popular opinion, men can multi-task. Exceptionally well. As MC Nameless claims

‘Your average single man will be juggling multiple projects at the same time’

I respond

‘You mean he’s trying to tap multiple women and he’s pursuing me and loads of other chicks simultaneously?”

He says

‘Exactly’

Me (appalled at this point)

‘That’s disgusting’

Nameless:


‘That’s why you’re a woman, you just don’t get it. We’re not being mean it’s just pursuing multiple projects simultaneously is relationship insurance’.

After receiving the news that to most men I’m nothing more than a project, Nameless and I had a debate over what was the most important tool men use to get their desired outcome.

MC Nameless’ view

Money

Nameless seems to think the more money a man has, the easier/quicker it is to get his desired outcome. Money makes the road to the outcome that bit smoother because…

" Women love money. And the only thing they love more than money, is a man with money willing to spend it on them"


Consequently Nameless believes that if you stripped Jay Z of money, you'd instantly strip him of Beyonce. Apparently in real life men that look like Jay Z, don't get women like Beyonce *

* I disagree. Men that aren’t deemed attractive are aware of the fact that the pool of women available to them is smaller than say him or him. Therefore from an early age they learn to work that bit harder. This means they're normally funny, witty or have a personality trait that’s so brilliant it acts as an invisibility cloak for their worst physical feature. So in real life the beast often bags a beauty.

My view

Flattery

As young girls most women are programmed into mastering the art of not giving other girls compliments, even though they deserve it. I don’t get it, but girls grow up believing complimenting another girl is an expression of weakness. So they often mask their insecurity by saying something bitchy when they really want to give a compliment. Moreover many women refuse to compliment their men because in their heads that would be giving them way too much power.

Basically women don’t know how to compliment.

Whereas men are experts at giving compliments. And do you know why?
Because they know how far flattery can go!

Men have mastered the art of saying all the right compliments, at all the right times, so when a woman’s contemplating leaving them she thinks ……

"Well he isn't that good looking, doesn't want to commit, rarely takes me out, didn't get me a gift for my birthday, cheats and isn't bringing anything spectacular to the table. BUT he tells me I'm beautiful all the time"

And flattery makes her stay.

Peace, Love and Musiq


xxx

Women- All Tactics, No Strategy

You know the Battle of Sexes? Women are losing.

And it’s not like they're losing 2-1 and it’s halftime.

They’re losing 5 nil, it’s stoppage time and they’ve had a player sent off the pitch.

Whilst revising I spent most of my ‘mind drifting moments’ thinking of rant ideas and I realised why women are losing the Battle of the Sexes.

Women are all tactics no strategy, whilst men focus purely on their desired outcome

Shoot I could end the rant right there but since you guys are just as cynical as me I’m going to have to expound upon my theory. Since it’s a lot to deal with I’m going to split the sentence into two clauses and deal with each clause over the next two days.

‘Women are all tactics no strategy’

Do you know why some men think all women are crazy? Because of women’s tendency to act out randomly.

What most men don’t know is that many of these random antics/acts of madness aren’t that random at all, in fact many women plan this stuff way ahead of time.

Let me demonstrate by listing 5 of the most commonly used tactics women use in the attempt to extract something from a man/cause a reaction….


1) Deliberately ignoring a man’s phone calls by letting the phone over-ring/diverting the call to voicemail.

2) Taking an unusually long time to respond to text messages.

3) Starting an argument over a trivial event because they want to argue about something that annoyed them earlier.

4) Plotting with their (often deranged, jaded and misinformed) female friends about the next thing to do and together they inevitably decided on a reaction that will make things a million times worse.

5) Withholding sex.

SideBar: Not all women use the above tactics. Some women are completely reasonable, don’t play mind games, despise relationship politics and refuse to use sex as a weapon. Personally I’m yet to meet such a righteous woman, but in honour of political correctness I will say that she does exist…..in heaven.


Now the common strand running through all these tactics is that they’re all reactionary. This means they’re done in response to a man’s action. As such they’re often rooted in a sense of insecurity and executed following/during an argument.

ERROR!

Relationships are a game and no one ever won a game by being purely reactionary. If you want to win a game you must act proactively. Unfortunately far too many women base their actions solely on the behaviour of their opponent, which is stupid. Because men are a lot smarter than the average women realises. Using that logic it means that most men have their women right where they want them and their women don’t even know it!

In my opinion there is actually nothing inherently wrong with approaching a relationship from a tactical perspective. Life/a relationship without tactics is aimless. However tactics implemented with the absence of a strategy, is the equivalent of buying weave for your headpiece forgetting the bonding glue/thread and when you eventually manage to track some down, you start applying the hair with no idea what style you want at the end. Do you know what you get when that happens? A hot mess!

What’s an even bigger issue is that too many women use tactics excessively. This means even a man with the IQ of a goldfish on crack can figure out when a woman is having a ‘tactics moment’. Consequently, when a woman takes 4 hours rather than 2 minutes to call a man back, he can usually tell she’s pulling a stunt and he’ll ignore her. When the man doesn’t bother to inquire why the woman didn’t call him back 4 hours earlier, this compounds the woman’s paranoia by like a million percent. And you guessed it, they have a massive argument because he doesn’t care that she didn’t call him back when she should have.

Again. That’s stupid. (Stupid is my word of the week).

However! If the art of not calling back (yes knowing how ‘not to call him back’ is an art) was informed by a strategy, it wouldn’t matter what the man’s reaction was because that’s not the point. The point is it’s all part of the long-run strategy, not a juvenile act to extract a short-run gain!

Now some of you may be reading this disgusted with my crudeness as you believe that relationships aren’t about tactics or strategy, they’re all about finding love…..PAH! Relationships are as much as about love as politics is about honesty and the sooner we all embrace that fact the better.

Anyway! I’m off, feel free to disagree, agree or make your behinds sore by sitting on the fence…. whatever! Tomorrow I’ll be back dealing with the second clause of my theory.

Peace, Love and Drake

xxx

P.S Is Drake not the best thing to happen to Hip-Hop since Kanye?!

I'm Back!!!!

Whoooohooooo!

I'm free! Yesterday marked my final exam as an undergraduate and I'm glad to say that I shall no longer have to spend my time writing about methodology, transitology and other ‘ology’s’ that make you seem intellectual rather than extend your actual intellectual capacity. The only thing I will miss is the amazing people I met at UCL especially the brilliant minds on my course : (

Anyway!


Over my exams I was offered an interview with a PR company. Now I only found out about the interview the day before and this was quite problematic because I don’t own any smart clothes. None at all. I own stripper heels, oversized blazers, ostentatious accessories and dresses that my parent’s claim are for ‘harlots’. If you had to summarise my wardrobe in a sentence it would be ‘party attire/attire that you could wear to a party if you wore heels instead of converses’.

This meant for the first time in about 5 years I had a genuine excuse to go shopping and I eventually stumbled upon a dress that made me feel like a fraud but look employable.

I asked my sister what she thought of the dress and she said…

‘It’s not you but you look great’

I asked my mother…

‘Beautiful grey is your colour, why don’t you wear clothes like this more often?'

Then I went into the study and asked my favourite man in the universe, my dad a.k.a Guvna.

And he turned from his desk, GRIMACED and then said

‘How horrid, you look like you’ve been poured into it’ *

* If my father says you’ve been poured into a dress/item it simply means that it’s too tight, doesn’t fit and the only way you could have possibly got into it is if you did an Alex Mack and magically transformed yourself into liquid form first.

Following my fathers insensitive comment (which he refused to apologise for) my sister and I proceeded to rant at him, whilst he looked bemused at our fury.

Now there are things you need to understand about my home

1) My father has four daughters. So on an average day the ratio of women to men is 5:1. However my home generally has at least ten people in it, therefore if my dad is having a good day the female to male ratio will be 15:3.
2) Despite being married to the same woman for 23 years (I think that deserves a round of applause), only being surrounded by women for the best part of his adult life and being one of the finest living embodiments of what a good, honourable, dignified, brilliant and loving man is, my fathers comment demonstrated something that I only understood on that day…

MEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMEN

Never.

Part of the reason is that women are complex and men are that bit simpler. Beyond that most men can’t/won’t/don’t spend their time over-thinking/over-analysing things they can’t change. Whilst for many women, this is their main extracurricular activity.

So since Henpecked got to do his 'gift for women everywhere' I think it's my turn....!

My gift to men everywhere (especially those that live in South London)

1) Always pay attention to what a woman says. But! Even more importantly pay attention to what she does. Women can conceivably say one thing, mean something else then do something completely different. Some people say it’s because we’re crazy, I think we’re just complex. Therefore look at what she does and listen to what she says (just in case).

2) If you don’t intend to call her back. Don’t say you will. It’ll only cause conflict.

3) You know your female best friend? Yeah that friend. We don’t like her. At all. We may say we do, but we don’t. And if she’s single, we can’t stand her. *So on that basis I would advise that you speak about her as little as possible or say she’s your cousin.

4) There are numerous superpowers that God has endowed women with that men don’t have and aren’t aware we have. One of them is our inbuilt Bullshit Detection Device (BDD). This device means we are fully aware when you lie to cover up your folly. Word of advice, don’t ever try and sell a woman bullshit, because (in the words of the legendary Sean Carter) ‘ you can’t sell us bullshit because we know the prices’.

5) Brutal honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes you just need to get your acting skills on, play ‘make believe’ and make her believe you love something she’s wearing, even if you hate it.

6) Never, never, never, never to the power of infinity plus 10, take a woman for granted. Don’t do it. As well as the BDD, women have this other device comparable to a ticking time bomb. It’s called the Just You Wait Clock. So you could have cheated on her and put her through all kinds of drama for 5 years and mistakenly believed she would be around forever. But then suddenly after 5 years, 1 day, 6 hours and 40 minutes, the JYWC will explode, she will realise her foolishness and finally get the memo she can do better. And in a moment, she will decide to leave you…for good. She may also slash your tyres on the way out. Therefore! Always treat a woman with respect and never take her for granted.

7) If you’re a dog, tell her you’re a dog. If you’re a pimp, tell her you’re a pimp. But if you’re truly a prince, be a prince. That way everyone manages their expectations and there are no surprises.

8) You know the effort you made in the first 3 months of the relationship? Keep that up.

9) If you’re with a woman and she constantly says vicious things about her ‘best friends’ behind their backs. LEAVE. NOW. Those women (along with gold diggers) are the worst type of women.

10) There are only two people you need on side. A parent and her best friend. If you get them on your team, you won.



* Only exception to this rule if your female best friend is a size 30 or over. It may sound fattist * shrugs* but that’s how women work.

Peace, Love and Black Kate Moss

xxx

21 Things to do whilst I'm on my exam holiday...

Salutations!

Most of you will be aware that I normally write a rant three times a week. However over the past week my blog posts have been increasingly sporadic. This is because I handed in my dissertation a week ago and now I have three exams to study for in…10 days! HA!

I’m not really trying to bore you guys with my sob story because I’m sure you have all done lastminute.com revision before. This time it’s a bit different because it’s my final year, so I need to buckle down. My dad (LOVE YOU GUVNA) is not spending his hard earned money for me to get a mediocre degree classification and live off him for another year then make him pay for a Masters because I’m unemployable.

Hell to the N-O.

Karmarically, recent events mean I actually have a whole heap to rant about, so when I get back it should be rather interesting. But until then * so long farewell auf Wiedersehen, adieu * and I’ll be back on the 22nd of May.

In the meantime, all of you beautiful people take care and here’s a list of 21 things you can do whilst I’m on my exam holiday


1) Write a mediocre funky house song, make up a skank (for those that don’t know skank = dance), film a budget video, upload it on youtube and taddaaa you have a song that peaks at number 99 on the charts. I will upload my ‘Bloggin Skank’ when I return.

2) Catch Swine flu. Apologies for my Swine Flu irreverance, but in my eyes Swine Flu is a bit like the 'war on terror'. Simply another media propaganda tool used to retain the climate of fear that western society has been enveloped in since the Cold War. More people died from malaria yesterday than Swine flu. I don't see you people running out taking malaria tablets. GET A GRIP!

3) Get rid of your friend with benefits

4) Join Twitter *

5) Start some Facebook beef. For those of you who don’t know beef is colloquialism for ignorant conflict that often descends into violence.

6) Read vintage ‘Christiana Rants’ entries and forward them to 10 friends. (What you really think I’d write this without a shameless plug?)

7) I am aware there is a recession but go out and shop. If life’s going badly shopping won’t make things better, but it’ll make you feel better, even if it’s just for a moment. It’s perverse therapy. Conspicuous consumers unite!

8) Launch a search of ‘missing child’ proportions for the following artists: Mark Morrison, Daphne & Celeste, City High, 3T, Lou Bega and the VengaBoy that wasn’t a boy.

9) Start a campaign to help women realise that a waist belt does not have magic powers. It makes nothing invisible. So if your stomach sits on your lap when you sit down, a waist belt will only ensure this happens twice. Put the belt down.

10) Since 9 has made me seem fattist to prevent the morality/self-help police bombarding me with emails I will say. Women look in the mirror every single day and say ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’ and Men look in the mirror and say ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER I LOOK GOOD AS LONG AS I GET RICH’

11) Pray to whatever God you worship that Manchester United make Arsenal weep at the Emirates this evening.

12) Google ‘Chantal Biya, First Lady of Cameroon’ (she’s my new hero).

13) Figure out who killed Hip-Hop. And Grime. And Garage. Screw it figure out who has ensured that listening to modern day music is the equivalent of pouring piss down your ears whilst stabbing yourself in the cheek.

14) Do your annual friend audit. Crude and slightly Machiavellian, but one must surround themselves with good people.

15) Watch Jeremy Kyle and feel smug.

16) Listen to that ‘No Air’ song without inhaling and see how long you can last.

17) Help me figure out why Chris Brown is probably going to end up working in KFC while a suspected child molester who has a face like a budget Halloween mask has just sold out the O2 arena.

18) Get a ‘unique’ tattoo. You could have stars down your back, your government name in bold across the small of your back, a classy rose on your arm that will ensure that you’ll probably never make CEO or Cantonese words branded on the inside on your wrist. Go for it, just remember, you are different!

19) Teach yourself an instrument. I’ve taken up the triangle.

20) Tell people you’re getting ‘fit’ for summer…. then don’t.

21) Realise that life is never simple or easy. And despite the words of those who attempt to discourage us, with enough effort and self-belief dreams do come true. So keep smiling, keep hoping, keep believing, keep striving and make it happen.



Peace, Love and Focus

xxx




* Don’t you dare join Twitter, it’s for twits who need constant validation so they bombard us with incessant updates on their incredibly boring lives. It’s blogging for people in the ‘slow class’.

Henpecked’s gift to women everywhere

A few days ago Henpecked called me and he was very disturbed. He had just run into a good friend from secondary school (an absolutely splendid woman in every way possible) and despite all that is great about her, she is in a destructive relationship with a man that Henpecked hopes contracts Swine Flu.

After hearing this woman re-tell every single thing this man had done to her, Henpecked was terrified.

Why was Henpecked terrified? Well remember my term ‘karmarically’ *? Well Henpecked has many karmarically occurrences coming his way because Henpecked has an awful track record when it comes to his treatment of women

* Karmarically occurs when paradox, irony and karma collide.

As a result of his misdeeds Henpecked is aware that the universe shall repay him at some point. Ergo he does not want daughters. Henpecked is even prepared to use modern science to ensure that he only produces sons. This decision breaks Henpecked’s heart. As Henpecked would love nothing more than to have a little princess that he can indulge. However he does not want his future daughter to pay for the sins of her father

I am not the friend to call if you want to hear things are better than they are and everything is going to work out fine. Because life is not that great and things probably won’t work out. So I informed Henpecked that the probability is that his daughter’s love life will resemble an episode of Sunset Beach.

Following my damning appraisal of his daughter’s future, Henpecked and I decided all we could really do is raise her believing that he had installed a micro-chip in the back of her head which means he knows everything she does. It’s no crueller than religious indoctrination and just like being indoctrinated it’ll probably work until she’s 15.

Anyway! Henpecked wants to put some positive energy in the universe and reduce the amount of karma that’s going to fly his way circa 2030. Therefore he asked that I share with the Christiana Rants female community, some of the words of wisdom he tells me on a regular basis. He also asked that I appeal to the male readers to forward the below to their sisters, friends and crazy- ex’s, in order to reduce the amount of karmarically stuff that’s coming their way too.

I would like to apologise for the crudeness of the below information…. it’s Henpecked.


Henpecked’s gift to women everywhere

1) There is a crucial difference between meeting a man's mother and being introduced to his mother. If you and his mother happened to be in the same place e.g. his mothers house, and he says ‘Mum this is Christiana, Christiana this is my mum’ and then he promptly takes you to his bedroom, you have not been introduced, you met his mother by happenchance. Now if he specifically invites you to his house and says ‘Mum this is Christiana that I’ve been telling you about’ and his mother responds by being overly cold/warm , entertains a conversation AND then feeds you. You have been introduced. So many women, who met my mum leaving my bedroom ‘the morning after the night before’ have confused this as an introduction. DON’T.

If you have been in a relationship with a man, for more than 9 months and have neither met or been introduced to his mum…that dear girl is not a relationship.

2) Your pussy is your prize and second to your mind it’s one of your most valuable assets. Don’t devalue it.

3) Men aren’t like women. So they don’t have an insatiable desire to articulate every thought that passes through their mind. You must understand just because a man doesn’t SAY how he feels about you it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.

4) It is never wise to tell a man EVERYTHING you are thinking. Part of the reason he is with you is because you intrigue him. So speak less.

5) Bitchiness is not an attractive trait. Bitches always finish last.

6) Stop listening to Beyonce songs and applying that shit into your every day life. She is beautiful talented millionaire who is already MARRIED to a man that could purchase you and your whole clique.

7) Women who are always single are normally too opinionated (Christiana), too picky (Bag Lady) or too quiet (God’s punishing me so unfortunately I don’t know any quiet women). I will tell you all what I tell Christiana- No man wants a woman who is too smart and Bag Lady - Your ovaries will only work for so long whilst men produce sperm forever.

8) Never call a man crying and saying ‘I can’t live without you’. Not only have you made yourself seem a bit psycho but you have freely (and foolishly) given him the knowledge that no matter how he behaves you will stick around. Basically you’ve destroyed any incentive he may have had to treat you with respect. If you’re in a relationship where you do this on a regular basis you’re clearly with a dick and need some self-esteem. Listen to some Beyonce.

9) Contrary to Sex and the City, Destiny’s Child and all that feminist propaganda you’ve exposed yourself to, there are some good men out there. But as long as you believe good men don’t exist, I can assure you, you will never find one.

10) Stop reading magazines. All they do is tell you you’re fat and ugly. If you lot stopped reading magazines, it would solve at least half of your problems.

Peace Out
Henpecked