More than Like, Less than Love

A few days ago I received a phone call from a friend that calls me approximately every 5 months. His name is Mr User.

Despite the fact Mr User is a user (not the drug addict type, but the type of trifling acquaintance that only calls you when they need something) I still pick up his phone calls. Simply because whenever he calls I know there’s some entertaining idiocy afoot. Last time he called me he needed an alibi….I refused

Anyway!

This is what Mr User called me to say….

‘I think I’m in love’

A few minutes into the conversation I ascertained that Mr User wasn’t in love and informed him that the worst thing he could possibly do was tell his girlfriend he loved her when this wasn’t the case

Unfortunately Mr User is about as discerning as a high crack head, so following our conversation he promptly informed his girlfriend that he doesn’t love her, but he really cares…

* huge sigh *


Now I wasn’t attempting to destroy Mr User’s relationship and if I am indeed really the source his relationship’s ruination I will say I was merely the catalyst rather than the cause. But considering I’ve added anther one of my friend’s girlfriends to my ‘Former Facebook Friends’ collection, I’ve decided to share with the Christiana Rants community, what I shared with Mr User.


More than Like, Less than Love (MLLL)

Disclaimer: - The below information is not based on extensive research, scientific evidence or survey of any kind. It all comes from my head. I have been living on a diet of Red Bull, Coffee and Cookie Dough ice cream so it doesn’t come from the healthiest place. However at the time of writing it seemed pretty plausible.

We are taught that most relationships will go through the following cycle….

You meet them. You like them. You love them. Then you hate them.

That’s life. The average person will go through this cycle at least 3 times in their lifetime. Of course there are some people that get stuck at one stage of the cycle.
I have a friend that’s perpetually stuck in the ‘meeting’ stage and I also know a girl who has been in the ‘hate’ stage since we left Secondary School (yeah I know she needs to get a life).

However bar these anomalies most people will pass through this cycle enough times to learn that life isn’t perfect, people are flawed and to find love you have to love yourself first.

But!

There is a stage in this (generally) futile cycle that people often forget. And that’s because most people don’t actually realise that they’re in this stage. It’s the stage between like and love. You more than like them, but you less than love them.

Am I making any sense?

Probably not, let me demonstrate.

When you like someone it’s not that big a deal, there’s nothing dramatic about being in the state of ‘like’. Heck you can like 5 people at the same time and not feel any guilt. And if a person that you like doesn’t call you back, sure you may care but you’re not going to lose any sleep over it.

However, when you love someone (define love as you see fit, it’s a complex relative construct) it’s a big deal.

Yet there is an emotional state between like and love (kind of like a relationship purgatory) that many individuals get trapped in. Now because it’s more sophisticated and mature than infatuation people often misidentify it as love.

And that’s because it’s equally addictive, counter-intuitive, self-destructive, thrilling and fulfilling. But it’s not love.

You just more than like them. But you don’t love them.

Unfortunately humans are idiots and most are all too hasty to be in love.

So there are millions of people who are unequivocally in the MLLL state but have professed their undying love for their partner. And therein lies the conflict.

If you express the ‘fact’ that you love someone to a person you’re not in love with, their expectations will soar but you will inevitably disappoint them. This is because no matter how hard you try there will be a persistent disconnect between your actions and words. You lack the capacity to demonstrate love effectively not because you’re ‘an evil bastard/sick bitch’ but simply because you are in MLLL not love. Unfortunately because you unknowingly lied, you’re now in a position that’s just as uncomfortable as watching Jacko rock those sickly prepubescent boys on his lap.

Now some of you may vehemently disagree with everything I’ve written and I would love to further expand on this concept in order to convince you. However there is far too much to say and Soviet foreign policy revision awaits. Ergo I’ll leave you all to ponder on the veracity of my theory and at some point I’ll try and type up......

‘The ten signs you’re in MLLL not LOVE’

Peace, Love and Conversations

xxx

Race....can't we all get along?

Apologies for the rant deficit this week, I’ve been completing my dissertation and the only thing that’s been on my mind has been Russian foreign policy not formulating another relationship rant. Funnily enough today’s rant isn’t about relationships . Karmarically since I’ve started giving pseudo-advice about how to conduct relationships my ‘relationship’ status has deteriorated. * I would love to do a rant about it and give you guys the details but…

a) ‘He’ is probably reading and there is no need to add fuel to fire
b) Henpecked and I intend to collaborate on this situation in a few weeks time but pretend it’s a thought experiment or an email from one of youuuuuuuuu (soulja boy voice) guys.

*Karmarically is a word I made up the root of which is karma. It’s basically when karma collides with paradox and irony.

Instead I’m using today to rant about an issue that I usually avoid - race. Now there are many reasons why I avoid ranting about ‘racial issues’ and the major reason is this. As most people are too easily offended, most people will be offended by opinions. Not because they are inherently offensive or incorrect, but because they simply won’t get it and when people don't get something they get offended.

However, looking at the world map of where my hits were coming from I realised that the Christiana Rants community is very diverse. And that makes me incredibly happy. If people from Beirut, Brixton, Berlin and Brooklyn can all enjoy/despise my rants enough to read, comment and send me an email why the hell is there racism?Well we know why there’s racism. It’s because most people are stupid.

Anyway! As this blog needs to be a vehicle for more than Henpecked’s perverse opinions, I thought I’d take a risk and state a few of my views on race…. And since Barrack and Michelle mean being black is apparently the ‘thing’ to be and radical Islam means the world is now targeting another ethnic group …. I think I’ll just about get away with it.

Here it goes….

1) The only people who really care about racism are those affected by it. Sure there are a few people who aren’t ‘minorities’ who get impassioned because they watched Malcolm X/listen to Hip-Hop/have a minority friend who they like a lot, but generally the only people that think about racism a lot are people of colour. Other people don’t care that much because they don’t need to care. It’s like going to a gay rights rally and expecting a ton of heterosexuals. Sure there will be a few but not that many. It’s all about proximity. If it doesn’t effect you, you probably won’t care that much. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you couldn’t get to sleep because of the children starving in Africa? I rest my case.

2) Having a white/black/arab/asian/(insert race) friend does not mean you’re not racist, it just means you like your friend.

3) Individuals that say things like ‘I don’t see race, I just see the person’ are the annoying type of people that I cant stand because they’re either stuck in Utopia or haven’t grasped the fact that acknowledging a persons race does not make you racist, judging them according to it does.

4) There are some people who are hypersensitive about race and as a result interpret even the most banal acts as having a racist undertone. Such people also annoy me because by constantly accusing state bodies/work colleagues/the automated voice on the other side of the phone/Chihuahua’s of racism they are belittling a grave issue.

5) Government sponsored diversity forums where black/brown/white/yellow/purple people congregate in order to have ‘frank discussions’ about race are a complete waste of time. The curse of political correctness means that everyone in the room is afraid of offending each other so they refrain from speaking their mind and simply spend 2 hours skirting around the issue.

6) I hate it when I read newspaper articles and race is used as a prefix alongside an occupation. For example Obama = Black President.

7) I hate racial stereotypes because 99% of them are false and rooted in societies prejudices. However there is one that I believe to be true with all my heart. Never unexpectedly wet a black girls hair and expect her to laugh about it.

8) I don’t believe the BNP should be banned or ignored because neither would solve the problem but only exacerbate it. Human nature means that censorship would instantly make the BNP more appealing and ignoring the BNP ensures they can spread their hateful propaganda without opposition.

9) Being asked random yet inquisitive questions about "black culture" that not only require my intelligent analysis but for the enquirer to go away feeling like they're culturally aware get tiresome after awhile. As I always state I am not Black Google or a walking diversity consultant. And no, you may not touch my hair.

10) Perhaps it’s a result of reading ‘The Communist Manifesto’ but I do believe people often misidentify racial issues with class issues. Regardless, I wish we lived in a world where neither mattered.

Peace, Love and Progress


xxx

The top 5 reasons that make women settle

The other day I got a message from a male reader saying...

“Hey Christiana. You seem to write a lot about women being too picky but aren’t the majority quick to settle with someone who isn’t good enough for them?”

And he’s right. However ‘settling’ is not the sole practice of the females, men settle too, crucially the difference is found in how men and women behave after they settle.

When a man settles he will justify his choice by claming it is a short run measure. For example Pac-Man’s ex-girlfriend was stupid*. Everyone knew she was stupid. She didn’t know she was but Pac-Man knew she was and he was ok with that. Because even though he isn’t the most valuable male on the market he still knows his market worth and her IQ was too low (even for him). Therefore he knew the day would come when he would get rid of her and (hopefully) upgrade.

* Anyone that is over the age of 13 yet believes that Africa is a state not a beautiful continent and enquires if my parents ‘speak African’ to me at home….is a stupid idiot.

On the other hand when a woman settles she will justify her choice by claiming
a) We just don’t understand ‘him’ and he’s a good person really
b) That he’s going to change

As a result when this woman’s mother, siblings and closest friends (justifiably) express their frustration and anger over her choice of partner she will probably dump them and not him.

I would love to be one of those women that has a blog where she attempts to empower the female populace. But this blog is for men, women and transgndered folk alike. Furthermore I am fully aware that when a woman is determined to settle nothing (that includes cheating, violence and mental abuse) will change her mind until she comes to the personal realisation that she deserves more.

So since I’m observing rather than trying to solve the problem, I thought I’d enlighten my male readers to the top 5 reasons that cause women to settle.

Top 5 reasons that cause women to settle

1) It’s a numbers game

As there are more women than men in the world inevitably we have a situation where there is an excessive demand for good men but a limited supply.

As such a woman who is attractive, educated, intelligent, employed actually depletes the number of men available to her. And it’s not because there aren’t enough men that embody these traits but it’s one of the cruel facts of life that the more successful a woman is the more bat shit she attracts. Don’t believe me? Two words. Halle Berry.

So it’s all in the numbers. Most of the good men have already been snapped up or have the awareness that they are rare commodities and are unwilling to be tied down.

Therefore if you ever attend a wedding where a beautiful 5”11 woman who works for a FTSE 100 company marries a 5”2 ‘entrepreneur’ with no steady income, a missing tooth and thinks PATENT WHITE LEATHER LOAFERS WITH ORANGE TASSELS are appropriate footwear for a wedding.......you’ll understand that it’s all down to a tragic numbers game


2) She likes the drama

Perfect/good/normal men are boring. And there’s nothing wrong with being boring. Boring is a good thing. I like the fact that my blood pressure is boringly normal, some things just don’t need to be exciting. However some women love excitement and drama. Therefore they’d rather settle and be in a toxic relationship than be in a functional (boring) partnership.


3) The Messiah Complex

Just as many men are attracted to crazy women, many women are attracted to damaged men. Whilst I have never met a man who has tried to rehabilitate a crazy woman, I have met countless women who engage in the Sisyphean task of trying to change a damaged man. Some say it’s because such women are naturally altruistic but I think it’s because they have Messiah complexes. Memo to the women who like to ‘save the day’- save yourself first.


4) Insecurity

I actually wasn’t going to include this factor because it’s so cliché. You know how it is, the overweight, overpaid, overstupid American talk show host says to an overweight, unemployed and equally stupid guest

‘Girl you need to love yourself can’t you see you’re beautiful? Stop being so insecure you can do better than him girl!’

Unfortunately insecure women are more prone to settling whereas insecure men become 50 Cent.

5) The (bitter) single friend/relative

Let me give you a social fact. In every single family and female clique there is a woman who is perpetually single and very bitter about it. If you don’t believe me then the chances are you are that woman or too closely related to that woman to recognise her plight.

Becoming ‘that’ single woman is every woman’s nightmare. And it’s not that women are afraid of being single….but they’re afraid of being labelled the bitter single one. Ergo even if he cheats, steals and has a weed habit that means he finishes all the food in the fridge she’ll stick around because ‘at least I’m not Chardonnay’.


Peace, Love and biros


xxx

The Price

* Flashback a few months ago *

Bag Lady and I are at the bar and we both mysteriously get sent glasses of Champagne. Our love for anything free means we didn't question where the Champagne came from, but for insurance we each said a prayer to our God (I worship Jesus, Bag Lady prays to Prada) and drank.

At the end of the night a random fellow approached us and admitted he was the phantom beverage donator. He then switched his attention to chatting Bag Lady up. At the end of the conversation the following occurred….

Man: So can I have your number?
Bag Lady: No
Man: How come, I bought you a drink?
Bag Lady: (Laughs out Loud) So?
Man: Stop being silly. Why wouldn’t you?
Bag Lady: I have HIV*
Man: So do I…(Laughs out Loud)
* Bag Lady impressed that she found a man with an equally twisted sense of humour*
Bag Lady: It’s 079…(proceeds to giver her real number)


* ‘I have HIV’ is the standard excuse Bag Lady and I give when we want to get rid of a men that we don’t have the energy to entertain. It’s tasteless, tacky and completely un-PC but we don’t care. If you lived in South London you would understand why we have to resort to such crude measures.

Fast-forward to today and Bag Lady and the Man are now in a miserable self-destructive relationship that makes them both happy. And the moral of the story is (drum roll please) perseverance pays.

No not really….. The real moral of the story is my theory for the day….

“In the initial stages of a relationship, if a man buys a woman things…it helps”

Despite constantly lambasting feminist methods (not the ideals) there is a part of me that is a feminist. So the tiny part of me that is a feminist is offended by the fact I would propagate such a gender biased theory.

But!

Women are human. And humans like things. And most normal humans really like free things a.k.a gifts. Especially when they’re given because a person thinks you're exceptionally attractive/clever/interesting/(insert whatever random feeble excuse people give when they’re trying sleep with you), AND there happens to be a recession.


When I proposed my theory to Bag Lady she proceeded to rant about how encouraging men to embrace chivalry was futile because ‘these idioooot men don’t want to pay for jack. Remember Mr £3.50? That is men Christiana. That is men.”

Side Bar: Mr £3.50 is Bag Lady’s legendary ex-boyfriend who made them split a £7 bill at Tesco by saying to her ‘bruv you owe me £3.50’ (yes he called her bruv).

I would just like to establish that I’m not proposing men giving women things in return for sexual favours – that’s not dating, that’s prostitution. I’m simply saying that a man paying for dinner and buying a woman some flowers is a nice gesture that will help create a solid foundation for a relationship that is probably destined to fail. However when it does fail at least they will both have better quality memories.

Now this rant was meant to be collaboration with Bag Lady but due to her excessive materialism (her mantra is ‘there is no romance without finance’) I fired her and replaced her with Pac-Man. But before I fired her she asked that I let the men in community know that any willing to buy her this should drop me an email and she’ll ‘holla’.

Now I’ve finished pimping my friend…I’ll proceed.

Christiana and Pac-Man’s rules on how to buy ‘things’

We both truly believe that men should bear the majority of the financial cost during the ‘getting to know each other’ period. Why? Because historically this is how things have been done. History isn’t always the best guide to action but society has been fiddled with enough,so in this case let’s stick to ‘archaic’ gender roles.

Nevertheless we are aware that two things complicate this belief.

1) The recession
2) The existence of countless unscrupulous women who will entertain multiple men simultaneously so they can get as many gifts as they can *cough Bag lady * .

With that in mind here are five quick rules men should follow when it comes to gift purchasing/donation.


1) Ensure it’s something that has a short life span/relevance period and costs under £9.99

We decided on £9.99 because it’s such an inoffensive sum and considering the man may not recoup on his investment, we figured a tenner is the amount most people are ok with losing. Anything above that and you usually want to punch someone in the neck.
Gift ideas = Flowers, Gold Fish, chocolate, strawberries, a Beyonce single, a chunk of the moon. Whatever.

2) Never give the same gift twice but if 4 occurs don't be afraid to recycle.


3) Keep your receipt.


4) Never forget you have the right to ask for it back if she screws up. (Pac-Man’s rule)



5) Keep a record of every gift as part of your defence in future arguments.


Peace, Love and Motions

Breaking the code

Pac-Man called me yesterday asking for advice. After explaining the only reason he was asking my advice was because none of his other female friends were picking up their phones (I wonder why) he asked me to explain why he hadn’t heard from a particular young lady.

So I asked him to describe their last interaction so I could attempt to decipher what he had done wrong……

Pac-Man: That thing you invited me to I can’t make it *
Lady friend: Ah ok. That’s a bit annoying. How come?
Pac-Man: Not really my kinda thing. Aside from that I think me and the boys are doing something that day
Lady friend: Oh I see, that’s cool
Pac-Man: Safe
*After 3 minutes of a stony silence *
Pac-Man: You ok?
Lady friend: Yeah I’m fine

* That thing = either her parents wedding or their wedding anniversary party. Pac Man still can’t remember.

After interpreting what this young lady really meant and explaining why she’s been off with him for the past month he said ...(ladies please don’t judge him too harshly, this is a man that lists ‘Resident Evil 2’ as his religion on Facebook)

‘Crazy woman, what you’re basically telling me is that you women are liars?’

Of course that wasn’t what I was saying. Women seem to lie more, because we often lie about the little trivial things. For example my last lie

Dad I bought it on sale it was really good value for money and I haven’t bought anything for ages.

When in fact I bought it at full price and the item could feed an Oxfam child every week for about a year.

Whereas men lie about the massive life-changing things. For example Bag Lady’s ex-boyfriend kept saying

I swear down I’m not the father!

And yep you guessed it he was the father.

Anyway!

Now I am aware many men believe that there is a constant disconnect between what a woman says and what she means. As a result some men have concluded that we’re all crazy liars. When in fact that’s not the case.
Women aren’t lying when they say what they don’t mean, they’re just speaking in code.

So in honour of Michelle Obama’s Azzedine Alaïa belt, I thought I’d enlighten men that refuse to read between the lies.

The Code – What women really mean

You’re a really nice guy. But It’s just that I see you as a friend. Maybe one day= You’re a really nice guy and I did entertain ‘us’ for a moment, however you’re just a bit too nice and that means there’s no challenge, so that makes you boring. Furthermore you have an inconsequential flaw that I can’t overcome but if I tell you the truth you’ll think I’m shallow. So I’m pulling the friend card.

"You’re a really nice guy” + I have a boyfriend = The above explanation + I don’t have a boyfriend but I just want to make sure you got the message that our union is about as likely Gary Coleman becoming president.

You know what? Do what you want = I have told you what I think you should do but you’re still arguing with my superior logic. If you do what you want, it probably will go wrong. So don’t, do what I want.

I’m fine = I don’t know why you’re asking me such a senseless question when we’ve just had an argument and I’m clearly upset. However since you’ve asked a stupid question I’ve decided to answer with an equally stupid response.


Nothing’s wrong with me = you know what’s wrong with me? You.


Oh wow…. interesting = It’s not that interesting but I just want you to hurry up so I can tell you about my day.


I don’t need a man = I really want a man

Oh I don’t mind what I get for my birthday = I do mind because if you get me something hideous, I’ll never use/wear it. And when I eventually run out of excuses for why it has never seen the light of day you’ll think I’m an ingrate. So don’t try and be creative just ask my best friend and I’ll collude with her so you buy me something I want.


Leave me alone = Leave me alone

Peace, Love and Ikea

The Mash Potato Theory

I am an incredibly picky eater. I am the friend that absolutely refuses to eat many things for no apparent reason and if they do give a reason it’s completely irrational. I am the friend that takes ages to order at a restaurant and asks the waiter a plethora of probing questions. And my picky eating is the inspiration behind today’s rant.

A few years ago under duress my best friend/flat mate made me to eat mash potato. In the 1990s Lambeth Council seemed to believe they were feeding swine not children so my childhood is filled with traumatic school dinner experiences. I was forced to eat watery instant mash by the ‘dinner lady spies police’ because the school authorities had put me on the ‘danger list’ due to my ‘near malnourished frame’. * So up until that day I hated mash potato with a deep passion.

*As a child my picky eating meant that I resembled a human toothpick with braids. My mother still hasn’t forgiven me for having her summoned to my school.

After I tried my friend’s mash, I was converted and now eat mash potato once a year.
The moral of the story should be ‘Christiana finally grew up and from that day forward she was more receptive to different types of cuisine’

Alas! I’m still picky, but there is another lesson.


The Mash Potato Theory


When asked the question ‘what’s your type’, most people are reluctant and rather careful when answering. This is because we’re aware in answering that question we exposes our prejudices and how fickle we are.

So I say
‘I don’t really have a type you know. As long as their honest, hardworking, determined, (insert random virtue) I’m happy’.

Which is a load of bull. I have a type. You have a type. We all have a type. Only sexually liberated folk (Henpecked calls them hoes and man-hoes) who had traumatic childhood’s don’t have a type….and if they could have a type they would!

Now we may not know how to articulate our types without offending people but we all definitely have a type.

But there are a number of problems with having a metal prototype. The major problem is that we set our standards so high we don’t ever meet anyone that fits our model and end up old, miserable and single (prototype paralysis)**.

**Prototype paralysis occurs when the imaginary prototype inhibits an individuals reasoning faculties and causes them to dismiss real people with great potential and they end up in the same place for years.


Solving the problem of ‘prototype paralysis’ is pretty simple. We all need to give ourselves accurate self-assessment, downgrade our prototypes and we’d probably end up with someone who has been right under our noses the whole time. But that won’t happen; we’re a far too aspirational/greedy/shallow generation.

Despite its flaws having a prototype is incredibly useful dating tool. Since most humans don’t know what they want, a prototype not only allows people to dream but also acts as a compass, giving people a sense of direction. Without a prototype, most of us would be even more aimless and confused than we already are.

The mash potato theory aims to straddle the middle ground between the ‘damaged hoes and man-hoes’ with no discretion and those that have an unreasonable standards.

The Mash Potato theory
“We all have a type of person we claim we don’t like even though we’ve never experienced this type. If for a moment we put aside our prejudices we would discover that this type actually suits us. Even if the relationship ended in disaster we would have widened our criteria and increased the likelihood of us eventually ending up happy’.

Put simply, the mash potato theory is us allowing our prototypes to become less fixed and more flexible, without lowering our standards. And it's all for the greater good.

Therefore we must all be willing to
1) To try something new
2) Deviate from our prototype
3) Change our prototype

When discussing this rant with a close friend of mine she said
‘Does this mean I’d have to get rid of my 6” minimum height requirement’
The fact that she’s reasonably intelligent and asked such a nonsensical question demonstrated that I would have to explain factors that no longer can be considered if implementing the ‘mash potato theory’.

But it would take far too long and it’s a bank holiday. So I’ll leave you all to ponder on the validity of my theory and I’ll write about the ‘banned factors’ next time.


Peace, Love and Poker Face

xxx

Textual Conduct

Text messaging
“A technological innovation that means we’re constantly in touch with people but not genuinely connected to them. An unfortunate by-product of capitalism it has served to reduce (rather than enhance) the quality of Generation Y’s relationships, communication and social interaction”.

As I keep being bombarded with texts promoting everything from Brazilian hair weave to church revivals (I kid you not) I thought I’d put together my 15 ‘text rules’ to ensure that textual relations are hitch free.

Textual Conduct

1) Keep it short

2) It seems everyone is insisting on throwing a ‘party for profit’. Though I applaud entrepreneurialism, receiving 10 messages in 7 days, each ending with “get your tickets quick!!! Only (insert random digit in) left”, suggests that I’m not the only person who’s planning not to show up.

If you’re throwing a party only 3 texts are necessary. The invitation, a reminder and a ‘thank you for coming’.

3) If you send an ‘official wedding invitation text’ you may not be offended if my wedding gift is £10 credit.

4) If you’ve procreated successfully all we need to know is the child’s gender, weight, and name. Sign off with the customary ‘mother and baby are doing well’. No prophecies about them playing for Arsenal, it’s probably not going to happen.

5) You don’t text if someone is dead/in hospital/considering suicide. Let’s keep some things sacred.

6) Arguments conducted via text escalate far too rapidly because text is open to interpretation and people get a whole heap of courage when ‘text cussing’. Avoid text wars, you’ll only regret it in the morning.

7) Since I’m currently the victim of textual molestation by a deranged T mobile customer, I have something to say. Just because you have 1000 free texts doesn’t mean you need to send 1000 texts!

8) Do not text someone ‘CALL ME!’ when you have nothing of relevance to say.
Depending on my mood I now respond to such messages with ‘Why?’ ‘No!” or ‘Sausages!’.

I’m sick of paying for phone calls because some people…..
a) Act like it’s against their religion to buy credit
b) Are over the age of 18 yet still can’t manage their minutes/credit


8) Doesn’t it make you sick when you get a ‘tx dat is impos 2rd/undastand cos of xcess use of slang n numbz n rndom tings lyk : D !!!’

Text messages should not require translation or careful study. Please don’t text in code.

Sidebar: Isn’t it ironic that 90% of the time when we write lol, we haven’t actually laughed out loud?

Typically lol actually means, “I’m probably not laughing at all but this is the appropriate response”

And LMAO means = That was probably slightly funnier than an lol moment but if you could see me you’d realise I’m still not laughing

9) If a message ends with a full stop, ‘take care’ or ‘BYE’ take it that the text exchange is over. Do not ask another question. There is nothing more tiresome than someone who keeps texting back when you were through 6 messages ago.

10) Do not text ‘omg I miss you soooooo much. We gt2 catch up soon. Luv ya xxx’ to try and appease a friend that you’ve neglected or make yourself feel better. You’re a bad friend. That text only serves as a reminder.

11) Passive aggressive messages such as…..

“So you don’t know how to call me?”

“Is there are a problem?”

“Wow….so we’ve come to this now, I find out you (insert random occurrence) on Facebook”

Require the recipient to lie by texting back ‘Sorry. Jst bin rlly busy I’ll call you later promise’. They’re not that busy, they won’t call you and you haven’t heard from them for a valid reason.


12) I believe in freedom of religious expression, so whatever the religious festival you choose to celebrate feel free to text away. But please do not use it as an opportunity to text me a pious sermon. Because of crazy ‘text evangelists’ I have thrown my BlackBerry on the floor so much, social services are considering taking her away from me.

It is highly unlikely that a judgmental text message is going to spark a conversion or a ‘revival’. Especially if the senders life is the antithesis of every holy book ever written.


13) IF YOU TEXT ME IN CAPITAL LETTERS FOR EMPHASIS IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU’RE SHOUTING AT ME. SHOUTING ISN’T VERY NICE. SO DON’T DO IT.

14) Needy texts that say things like “I can’t live without you ” only make the recipient feel freaked out. If you ever feel tempted to send such, look in the mirror and say ‘I am special’ ten times. If that doesn’t work, Facebook stalk.

15) Texts + Emotions = Disaster.

Texts + Emotions + Alcohol = Bigger disaster

Therefore if you intend on going out and getting drunk, heavily bandage both your thumbs before you leave the house.

Peace, Love and Armadillos

xxx

Hate Mail and Henpecked

Yesterday I received an email from a woman expressing her disgust with the ‘Christiana Rants ft Henpecked’ series. Amused I called Henpecked and told him to check his email.

After reading for approximately 10 seconds he said and I quote:

"Well this girl clearly needs a good shag"

As Henpecked and I aren't ones to shy from controversy we're well aware that there are countless people who know us personally who would have loved to send that email and probably had something to do with it. Do we care? No, because in Henpecked's words "most people are pretty *beeping*stupid. And even if we aren't that smart, we're definitely smarter than the masses. So they can (ends with a phrase teenage boys say to be shocking)"

Henpecked concluded…

“No one forces that judgmental *beep* to read the blog. If she doesn't like it she should start her own blog that no one will read because she clearly hasn't got a clue "

However! I believe that voices of dissent are a necessary part of maintaining the health of my blogdemocracy. Just because an opinion doesn’t align with what we believe doesn’t invalidate it. So random hate mailer, I welcome you to the Christiana Rants community with open arms. Henpecked says he would ‘extend a fist’ but he isn’t Chris Brown.

As the newest member of the ‘Christiana Rants’ community all we ask is that you refrain from: -

1) Making personal attacks about our characters, value systems and right to life when you claim your issue is with our opinions and methodology.
2) Cutting and pasting random quotes then re-working them to support a rather baseless argument.
3) Linking Henpecked’s opinions to his insecurity about his ‘minute manhood’.

Actually scrap 3 I’ve only included it because Henpecked insisted. I loved the pseudo-Freudian analysis and when I forwarded the email that line was enlarged to size 22 font for dramatic effect.

I do apologise for not responding personally but I generally don't explain myself because it's time consuming and as you so beautifully wrote I'm 'a smug bitch'. As we all know smug bitches (a.k.a women who have an informed opinion and state it intelligently, confidently with no apologies), never retort. They just smile, click their Louboutin's and strut off.

As Henpecked thinks you’re going to "recur like genital warts" we thought we'd inform you and the other members of the community (who we love and cherish) of some more of our ‘twisted views on women’.

Our mantra: We're not anti-woman. We're anti foolishness.

Christiana and Henpecked’s ‘twisted views’


1) Societal pressure means women spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about their physical flaws. If a man has a flaw he accepts it the first day someone points it out. Take Mr. Improvement. He has an unsightly head. So he makes like Ne-Yo and always wears a hat.

The lesson: Accept the flaw, conceal the flaw and get on with life.

2) Since most women are insecure, having a group of friends solely compromised of women can potentially ruin your life. Insecure women in groups do evil things like character assassinate the missing clique member, make the fat one in the group feel fatter or they may fatten her up further. Men in groups play video games, watch sport or laugh about porn (gospel according to Henpecked).

3) Henpecked believes that the high crime rate in South London is a direct consequence of the high concentration of gold digging women.

Here’s his logic in two steps.

Step 1: The average South London comprehensive is essentially a hybrid of a jungle and mental institution. Most men that come out of such institutions are unemployable or destined to having a low paying job with no long-term career prospects

Step 2: Aware that not being able to project the illusion of wealth will cut the amount of women they attract by at least 60% men become criminals to get girls.

Henpecked has globalised this theory and now believes that female gold diggers are the reason for everything from the Columbian drug trade to John Terry's mum shoplifting (I know I don't get it either).I don’t agree with Henpecked’s theory, clearly high crime isn’t linked to ‘gold digging women’ it’s linked to poor education. But what I do know is that far too many women focus on a man's income rather than his potential.

4) Most women would rather say nothing or feigned dislike than compliment another woman’s appearance.

5) If you ask a woman about her ‘ex’ she will rant passionately for about 15 minutes. In that time she will fail to mention that she was warned about him on countless occasions. Women have selective memories.

6) There is radical strand of independent women who have bought the myth they ‘don’t need men’ and can simultaneously be a mum and dad to their children. That’s like being a hand and a foot. Impossible.

7) Fake tanning and bleaching culture is not only destroying countless girls natural beauty but it makes Henpecked ‘physically sick’.

8) REAL women should rule the world but 1-7 means it will probably never happen.


Peace, Love and Gmail

xxx

Henpecked and I play 'agony aunt'......!

Last week I received an email wondering if Henpecked and I could help solve a relationship dilemma. When I informed Henpecked he immediately questioned the sanity of any woman that believes that we (and when he said we he pointed at me) have the answer to her questions.

Here’s the email condensed into three points.

1) This woman caught her boyfriend of 4 years cheating with her best friend of 15 years.
2) Each of the soulless devils is blaming the other person and she doesn’t know whom to believe.
3) She also doesn’t know who to forgive.

Monsieur Henpecked and Christiana’s advice to the young lady who should get some new friends and a new boyfriend

Dilemma 1: Who should she believe?

There are a number of solutions to this problem

a) Going on Jeremy Kyle and getting a lie detector test.
b) Sparing oneself the embarrassment of a and getting a lie detector test done privately. Click here for more info.
c) Realising that both of them are lying swine.


Dilemma 2: Who should she forgive?

Both.

Forgiveness disarms those who do you wrong and means they no longer have any power over your emotions or mental health. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you delete what they did from your memory. Forgiveness means you erase any negative feelings you may harbour. It’s empowering, pious and freeing.

Dilemma 3: Who should she dump?

Henpecked’s ‘advice’

“She’s not your friend, she’s a whore. You’re better off with no friends than a friend like that. Yeah everyone makes mistakes but mistakes are things like loosing clothes, forgetting birthdays and all that other stupid shit you women cry over. She’s Satan in human form. Why would anyone want to be friends with Satan? ”

After ranting for about 2 minutes about how the woman who emailed us is further evidence that woman can’t get enough of people who treat them like dirt, he ended with the words

“ You thought that evil show would have taught women about how friendships should work. Even the old hoe never did anything that bad”

By the way that evil show = Sex and the City. The old hoe = Samantha.


My opinion

I cannot condone Henpecked’s flippant use of the word hoe/whore but I do agree with the main thrust of his argument. This ‘friend’ needs to go.

Life expectancy is eighty-odd. This means you have plenty of time to make new friends. It also means if you keep her in your life it will give her plenty of time to cause you more drama and she sounds like the kind of troll that would snatch your Zimmer frame from under you. Wish her well and move on.


My 'boyfriend' advice

Your boyfriend clearly suffers from Benet Syndrome, a sad, incurable mental disorder that men get because they can’t be content. Such men are a complete and utter waste of skin. *

* Benet Syndrome occurs when a man over-estimates his market value and under-values his partners. Named in honour of R&B singer Eric Benet, who despite being wholly mediocre still managed to snag Halle Berry as a spouse. Not realising that he had hit the jackpot, he cheated with a far inferior specimen. He now lives on an island called obscurity.

Change your number, get a new haircut and suppress all your emotions by acting like you don’t care. Suppression (rather than expression) is the key because when a woman is cheated on and immediately deals with her emotions this often involves having a conversation with the man that caused the drama.

Since conversations where a man pretends he feels guilty and women scream things like ‘how could you, I can never trust you again’ are unproductive, toxic and a waste of free talk time, it’s better to pent up all your emotions and deal with them at a later date. If you don’t there’s a 95% chance that after about 5 conversations he will have convinced you he’s changed and you will end up staying with him.

Henpecked’s advice

“Christiana seems to think you’re actually considering leaving his boy, but since you sent the email I think it means you’re planning on sticking about. I know people like to say things aren’t black and white, but some things are. There are two kinds of men in the world. Men that cheat and men that don’t. That’s it. You are with a man that cheats. He may tell you he won’t do it again but he will. That’s because he’s done it before but you just don’t know about it. As you’re staying with him all I will say is don’t have any kids with him. Having his kid won’t make him love you anymore. There’s enough dysfunctional kids in world as it is…….”

* Then proceeds to rant about the abundance of devious woman who ‘trap’ men in order to keep them *

Peace, Love and Drake

xxx

3 signs a woman is about to dump you

A few weeks back I ran into one of Henpecked's best friends who we will call Mr. Improvement. Improvement and I have a somewhat mixed history and for the bulk of the time that we’ve known each other, we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye. He used to call me “that crazy black female addicted to retail” and I called him and his then girlfriend “the Muppet and the Maid”.

A combination of the Obama victory and the fact that I now realise that Improvement is a great person means in the last year we have come a long way.

Sidebar: I know we’re in the ‘post-racial’ era but for those of you that don’t know the Obama campaign and victory had the power to make people of colour who ordinarily couldn’t stand each other have meaningful (and rather touching) conversations. Scrap that, it had us all talking to each other. I’m not Black Google or anything, that's just my ‘diversity observation’ for the month.

During our conversation, Improvement questioned why Henpecked & Co had been featured on the blog but he was absent. So in aid of solidifying our newfound friendship today’s rant is loosely based on Mr. Improvement.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

About a year ago I barged into Henpecked house and find Improvement sitting playing Pro Evolution *

*According to Henpecked Pro Evolution isn’t a video game, it’s a lifestyle. The fact that this man and his friends truly believe this and all manage to remain fully employed terrifies me.

A major part of Improvement and I expressing our mutual dislike was a ceremony where we would insult each other. He would insult my country of origin and I would make jabs about the shape of his head. But for some reason, on this particular day Improvement wouldn’t engage in our unfriendly banter.

So I said…….

"What's wrong the Maid leave you?"

Henpecked then gave me a ‘look’ with his eyes that suggested he wanted me to shut up but he couldn’t say it out loud because that would make an awkward moment even more awkward and highlight the fact I was saying that should be left unsaid.

After Henpecked convinced Improvement that he hadn’t told me, I proceeded to tell him how I knew that the Maid was about to get rid of him. And from that day on we were friends.

And the moral of the story is….well there is no moral really. But Henpecked & Pac-Man claim I need to do more rants to help men. So here it is…..


3 signs a woman is about to dump you

1) She doesn't pick up her phone around you

If you have been around any woman for an extensive period of time you will be aware that most women are yet to grasp/formulate the proper etiquette when it comes to picking up phone calls in the presence of other people. The fact is having company will not deter a woman from having an overdrawn phone conversation.
.
Therefore! If all of a sudden your girlfriend doesn’t pick up phone calls around you or her phone calls are mysteriously shorter, if your birthday’s not coming up, she’s probably about to get rid of you.

Why?
When a man dates a woman he also dates the three people closest to her. Those three people are consulted on almost every single decision she makes and are told everything the man does. The reason she’s not picking up is because she doesn’t want you to overhear her friend asking in an accusatory whisper "have you don’t it yet?!”

2) She won't argue with you

When a woman stops arguing it means one of two things:

a) She doesn’t care
b) She has given up

Non-vicious arguments are the litmus test for a healthy relationship. The moment a woman stops questioning you, lets you take the lead on every decision and no longer offers her input, it means she has decided to leave you.

As there is nothing a woman hates more than watching another woman reaping the dividends of her hard earned work, by not arguing she’s showing you she has decided to terminate her investment.


3) She makes a new ‘friend’

It generally takes between 6-12 months for a man to hear about/meet most of his girlfriend’s friends. As most women argue with one of their friends at least once a quarter, her inner circle will be subject to change.
But!

If all of a sudden she makes a new female friend who she always seems to be with.

If this friend has a generic name and she’s sketchy about how they met.

And if you’ve ever wondered about the fact you’re yet to meet this friend or even see a photograph.

She’s leaving you.

She is also cheating on you and has simply given her suitor a female pseudonym.

Peace, Love and Earl Grey

10 Questions to ask yourself before you turn up

Due to the fact Henpecked, Pac-Man and I grew up together and have a similar circle of friends we often get invited/uninvited to the same events. Due to the recession a few weeks ago we attempted to filter our social calendar. Events on our ‘maybe list' included.

1) The wedding of childhood fiend who is so annoying we call him Mould.
Whilst Mould invited me to the wedding ‘after party’, Henpecked only got an invite to the church. Neither of us got reception invites. Mould was never the brightest child so we’re rather shocked that he strategically kept us apart on his big day

The only reason we’re actually contemplating going is because Henpecked bet me £50 that Mould would bolt at the church. I think he’s spineless so I suspect he’ll bolt in about 3 years when Mrs Mould has had two kids and gained 4 stone

2) Pac-Man’s Congolese next-door neighbour (who happens to be a cab driver, seamstress and DJ) is having a 50th birthday party. Everyone knows she’s 54.

3) About 10 industry parties where we'll be surrounded by women that ‘model’ and men that ‘rap’.

The conversation was rather hilarious, so I’m going to do my best to re-conceptualise it and turn it into a rant.

10 Questions Pac-Man, Henpecked and Christiana believe you should ask yourself before you go to ‘that’ event.


1) Do I like the celebrant?
If the answer is no, stay indoors.

2) Do I have to bring a gift?
Since Mould felt we were only worthy of being invited to a third of his wedding, I believe he only deserves a third of a gift. Henpecked suggested we volunteer him for pioneering brain transplant surgery.

Basically if the answer to 1 is ‘not much’ and you’re socially obliged to bring a gift, don’t go.

Men skip to question 4.

3) Is it worth a dress/outfit?
Facebook tagging means an outfit is rendered useless after a single appearance. Women must think carefully as to whether the occasion is worth a dress or worth buying a new one.

4) Is it worth the travel costs?
If it’s not, go to your local newsagents, buy some Jack Daniel's and entertain yourself by watching a weird Japanese game show online.

5) Am I a floor filler?
Floor Fillers = People invited to keep numbers up and prevent the event becoming a numerical flop.

3 signs you’re a floor filler
1) You were invited 72 hours or less before the event.
2) You only got a Facebook invite. Everyone else got a Facebook invite + text/phone call.
3) You don’t know the celebrant personally but you got an invite.

6) Is it free/am I on the guest list?
Our motto = no Guest List, no show. It’s not that we’re cheap it’s just that we know the truth. House parties are the best parties. A (free) night indoors with real friends will always beat a (pricey) night out dancing in the dark with people who sweat, smell and step on your shoes.

7) What is the likelihood of ignorant violence?
I’m aware that social profiling is politically incorrect but we all know the parties/events that have an increased chance of descending into violence. Since I wear shoes that I can barely walk (let alone run) in, I will stay at home if I suspect an event will end up on ‘Crimewatch’.

Henpecked disagrees. There is nothing he finds more entertaining than witnessing random acts of violence/ghetto behaviour and living to re-tell the tale in vivid detail. Therefore if he thinks there’s going to be a fight, even if he’s not on guest list he will definitely show.


8) What is the idiot concentration level?
Henpecked is from an irrelevant part of London and I’m from South London. Since his car was stolen he has come to believe that my part of town has the highest idiot/crime concentration known to man.

According to Henpecked….

“If an event is in South London and you value your life, sanity and wallet…don’t go”.

I completely disagree, idiot concentration levels have nothing to do with location, it’s all about the people.

9) Who will I run into?
We all have people we try to avoid on nights out.

I avoid men trying to marry a woman solely to gain UK citizenship.

Pac-Man hates groups of girls that think it makes them all look good if they all wear the same colour.

Henpecked is still avoiding his ex ex-girlfriend Myra that he dumped via text. *

* Myra isn’t her name but due to her terrifying eyes and acts of madness, Pac-Man christened her after Myra Hindley.

10) Will it be live?
For those of you that don’t know, live is urban speak for an experience so fantastic it’s emotional.

Our logic. Even if 1-9 isn’t working in the events favour, if it’s going to be live, show up.

Peace, Love and Do we really need more Club Promoters?

xxx