Daughter. Sister. Friend. Believer. Warrior. Writer. Voracious reader. Shoe Lover. Car Accident Survivor. Quasi philosopher. Prone to circumlocution. Beyonce stan. Retired cynic. On a quest to make a dent in the universe. Impossible to summarise in a few words.
A friend of mine was recently telling me about drama that some mutual associates were going through. Long story short, they used to be best of friends now they hate each other. Sad but entertaining. There is nothing funnier than watching grown women delete photos of each other on Facebook and write cryptic yet obvious status updates about each other. Actually there is something funnier, when women go through the same routine but the character assassination target is an ex-boyfriend.
So in honour of *insert whatever religious/non religious festival that coincides with today* I have decided to make a list of things that we should all do help us maintain healthy friendships.
Ten Tips to help you staying friends with the friends you actually like
1) Don’t live together Moving in with a friend is the surest way to guarantee that you will eternally despise them. Only the pre-destined friendships can overcome this trial. I know you think moving in with your friend will work out because ‘I know them so well already’, but the truth is you think you know them but you don’t. They’re probably messy, unreliable and very soon the sound of them slamming the door will annoy you.
The only things we’re meant to live with are our immediate family and domestic pets. If you bring anyone else into your domestic orbit I can assure you that nothing good will come from it.*
2) Don’t lend them money Since most humans are experts in the art of letting people down/taking the liberties, it’s generally not a good idea to give friends money. You are a human. Not a bank.
However if you really want to help, then only give them what you can afford to lose. So if they need £1,000 you may choose to put £250 towards their cause , because that’s what you can afford.
But to avoid ‘give me back my money bitch/you bastard’ drama, if they’re that desperate for a loan, help them write a proposal for their local bank manager.
3) Don’t lend them anything I know it sounds harsh, but don’t lend your friend anything if it has sentimental value. Clothes, cars, jewellery, underwear….whatever….let’s all learn to be content with what we have. I have lost one too many friends over dresses that were a size 8 when lent and a size 12 and a different colour when returned. I’ll say no more.
4) Don’t go on holiday together It is better for you to go on holiday with a complete group of strangers, than a group of your friends. For some reason, it takes a three thousand mile journey for people to realise that one person in the clique is a complete and utter twit. To avoid being that twit, if more than 4 friends plan a holiday, stay at home.
5) Don’t let them use your address Perhaps it’s the Nigerian in me, but I’m suspicious even when my University administrator asks me for my address. If a friend asks you to use your address to further whatever cause floats their boat, refuse. Just because they’re your friend does not mean they’re above using your abode for their fraudulent purposes.
6) Don’t make friends with their friends One of three things may occur when you make friends with your friend’s friend.
a) You discover you like your friend’s friend more than your original friend and they become your new best friend. b) You still like your friend more than your new friend but your original friend feels unsettled by your relationship with their friend. c) You all start gossiping about each other and become a perverse clique.
Each circumstance is undesirable.
7) Don’t go out with their friends If you make the choice to embark on a relationship with your friend’s friend and then you split up, it will be messy.
There are 6 billion souls on this wretched universe, 10 million in London and 1.2 million in South London alone. My point…..there isn’t a lack of potential partners outside your friendship circle.
8) Don’t have sex with them. Duh!
9) No presents If you have a formal agreement not to give each other presents, no one will be offended when they don’t receive a gift on whatever random day they’ve elevated into a massive occasion.
10) Don’t tell them anything that could potentially destroy your reputation. I’ve never understood why people get offended when they confide in someone and they then reveal their secret. If your own secret was so burdensome you couldn’t keep it to yourself, how on earth can you expect someone else to do the same? Resist from telling people your secrets.
If you have an urge to ‘come clean’ then do a Beyonce. Create an alter ego, look in the mirror and tell yourself.
Peace, Love and John Mayer
*Ironically I lived with one of my best friend in the universe for two years, I now consider her a sister. However, she has the patience of a saint and considering I speak to none of my former flatmates, I will conclude our friendship is an anomaly.
On a recent night out I witnessed what I can only describe as an act of injustice. I saw a man (out of the goodness of his heart) buy a young lady a drink. He then attempted to strike up a conversation. She then had the audacity to look offended and walk away with the drink in hand.
Now if I happened to be that man I would have probably done one of three things
a) Gone Chris Brown on her b) Tripped her up in the hope the drink splattered on her dress c) Asked for my drink back
Ok I will admit a and b are unacceptable behavior, especially since I’m giving up being a realist and trying to be a pacifist for lent. But c is completely reasonable. Why? By accepting the offer of a drink, the woman gives the man a single basic entitlement. A conversation. Accepting a drink yet shunning conversation is completely uncouth. If you’re a woman who disagrees the solution is very simple. Buy your own drinks.
You see, when a man buys a woman a drink it’s not a gift, it’s an investment. Now depending on the type of woman he buys the drink for, the return on the investment could vary from a nice conversation to a freaky night he may come to regret. I’m not here to make value judgments, so I’ll choose not to dwell on the latter option. I just think a conversation is the least a person can do if a perfect stranger buys them a drink of their choice.
Now I am aware that some men believe just because they bought a woman a drink they have sole ownership of her for the duration of that evening. This is probably one of the most annoying ‘club conventions’ that many men have allowed to remain in their ‘how to pick up women’ pamphlet. Clubs are not conducive to conversations. There’s only so many times you can shout, “sorry, I didn’t hear what you said” over blaring music without wanting to punch yourself in the neck.
The length of the conversation must equal the value of the beverage
So! If the drink costs £2.50 a man is entitled to 2 minutes and 50 seconds of conversation. If within that time if he fails to get the ladies real mobile number, then he’ll have to continue his mission elsewhere. Now I know some women have a " I like outrageous costing cocktails that look prettier than they taste" habit, which does complicate my formula. However I do think the recession will ensure that any man with an iota of sense will refuse such requests and find a lady wearing cheaper shoes.
Sidebar : I had a discussion with a close friend and we decided that handbags and shoes are two fantastic indicators in trying to understand a woman’s personality. It’s not a foolproof method, as you can never gather the true essence of a person’s character based solely on their appearance. But! Girls in cheap shoes generally like cheap drinks. I will rant about this at a later date.
Whilst this ghastly recession means the act of buying a woman a drink is no mean feat, this does not give men the leverage to ask inappropriate questions or make crude comments about a woman’s anatomy. Although there are some women who don't mind being spoken to like cattle I do believe I speak for most when I state that lewd comments about our physical assets are demeaning and disrespectful. There's a big difference between kindly complimenting a woman's appearance and making a vile reference to her gluteus maximus and what you intend to do with it.
My conversation advice to my male friends is what I like to call the BBWW method. And so far it has had a 100% success rate.
Keep it…Basic but not Banal, Witty not Weird.
Now some of you may be wondering why I’ve stuck to typical gender roles and not described a scenario where a woman approaches a man then offers to buy him a drink. Well quite simply I’m yet to understand the psyche of women who do such. Is it an expression of independence or desperation? Perhaps I’m too traditional, but I do believe there are some things that shouldn’t be tampered with.
Yesterday evening during a discussion with TinTin (for history on TinTin click here) he had the audacity to say.
“All women are crazy”
Now if you read this blog regularly you’ll be aware I’m the biggest anti-feminist feminist of all time (I know a dichotomy). When I hear aspersions about my gender I rarely get wound up. Why? There’s not much point. I happen to be black woman and after a while it gets tiring defending both groups. I just try to live in a way that runs counter to the negative stereotypes concerning both.
But! I actually have an issue with TinTin’s assertion. The statement should read.
“Most women are sane. If a sane woman exhibits crazy behavior, she was provoked. However there are some women who live in a permanent state of madness”
Last week we thought TinTin’s jump off’s behavior was because he had strung her along. A recent turn in events made us both realize that this particular young lady is actually the type that lives “in permanent state of madness”. She is what I like to call a ‘Progress Inhibitor” (PI).
Progress Inhibitor(PI) A woman who behaves like a child yet demands and feels entitled to be respected and treated like an adult.
PI’s are the reason that many men believe ‘all women are crazy’ and some women decide not to have female friends.
PI’s are part of the reason I will never condemn myself to being part of a female clique.
PI’s are why women don’t run the world.
PI’s are sneaky creatures that can conceal their negative side and before you know it you’re sucked into their cycle of drama. So I’ve come up with a definitive list of PI indicators.
This rant serves a dual purpose. It helps men avoid hooking up with a woman that could potentially make their life a living hell. It also helps the ladies avoid befriending a woman who’s an identity fraud expert. You know that girl that copies everything you wear and then tries to steal your boyfriend? Yes her.
Clues that she just may be a PI
1) She speaks about her friends behind their back One moment she’s exposing all of her friend’s sordid secrets, saying how much she hates her and the next she’s on the phone to her planning a holiday. Anyone that can be that two-faced is someone that should be avoided at all costs.
2) Within the first month she states that she “can't live without you” Is an explanation really necessary?
3) She contradicts herself in an argument then justifies her contradictions She dislikes logic and enjoys lying. In my books that makes her a politician. Why on earth would you get into a relationship with a politician?
4) She just "turns up" People only “bump into each other” in romantic comedies and on unfortunate days when they’re dressed so awfully they try to pretend they didn’t see each other. Truth is avoiding people is awkward, but doable.
So if within the first few months of knowing her you wonder why “she just always seems to turn up where I am” it’s not a coincidence. You are being stalked via Facebook. Stop clicking “Attending”.
5) She told you If a woman states, "I'm crazy you know" don't doubt her, think it’s a joke or choose to ignore it. Take it as gospel and run for your life.
6) She adds your friends on Facebook Adding perfect strangers on Facebook is a bizarre practice of the needy, undersexed and unemployed. If she adds women she has never met solely because they wrote on your wall, beware. She’s nothing more than a deranged Nancy Drew.
7) She went to an all girls school I attended an all girls convent school (yes it explains a lot) so I consider myself an expert on the costs/benefits of single sex institutions.
Think of all the crazy women you know……Right I can bet you that 9/10 went to an all girls schools. Although they’re the best environments for developing an adolescent girls intellect they are toxic to her character development. Enrolling your daughter in an all-girls school is the equivalent sending her on an extended crash course in bitchiness, body dysmorphia, insecurity and self-hatred.
It follows! If in her formative years she spent hours surrounded by females…I would tread carefully.
8) Your sister/mum/bff doesn't like her If the woman closest to you proclaims her dislike for the suspected PI and her reason is based solely on a “feeling”, please do not despise women’s intuition. If she has ticked at least two of the above boxes, take it as your final sign.
I love Roald Dahl. Why? Well in Roald Dahl books are clues to the meaning to life. Each novel (apart from “The Witches” the church in me won’t allow me to condone witchcraft) contains a piece of the puzzle that will help us decipher what on earth we’re doing here.
Over the next couple weeks, I will take the crux of a Roald Dahl book and transpose it into a workable theory that will radically transform your existence. Well it probably won’t, I’m just prone to exaggerating things for dramatic effect.
Now all the rants will be written presuming a basic level of understanding of the greatness that is Dahlism. Now if you have never read a Roald Dahl book or watched any of those shoddy Americanised filmbooks…..
1)What kind of childhood did you have? 2)Amazon.co.uk 3)If you can’t be bothered with 2 Wikipeda the fountain of all (slightly incorrect) knowledge should get you up to speed.
By the way I would like to say that for this rant I am indebted to Mr RJ, a real Golden Ticket.
The Willy Wonka Theory
“We will all get our Golden Ticket, it’s how we behave afterwards that determines if we will ever own the factory”
In this tiresome dating/relationship game we are all Charlie Bucket’s hoping that one day we will be so privileged to stumble upon the Golden Ticket. Now the Golden Ticket isn’t the perfect partner, but simply an individual that possesses the potential to fulfil your needs/wants by 80%.
Side Bar: Yes 80% is arbitrary, but I figured anything above this is impossible and anything below is the equivalent of white gold. It looks like silver so there really isn’t much to brag about.
And like Charlie, when we least expect it we will clinch the Golden Ticket much to the envy of many around us (ladies in a recession failure to guard your Golden Ticket is naïve and foolish). In fact there is a high probability that most of us have encountered our ‘Golden Ticket’ but it’s fallen apart because of one of the following reasons.
1) Augustus Glop Syndrome This syndrome affects men and woman equally. They have the Golden Ticket but get greedy. Men’s eyes and hands start to wander (usually with a woman who’s about 36%) and women decide they want 90%. Eventually they get so greedy their Golden Ticket decides to kick them in the chocolate river.
2) Veruca Salt Virus VSV generally affects women who have over-estimated their market worth. In spite of getting their Golden Ticket being spoilt and blind to the abundance of potential means they’re unwilling to appreciate what they have and eventually lose it.
3) Mike Teavee Disease Most cases of MTD are found in men between the ages of 18 -88. Despite finding their Golden Ticket they refuse to grow up and remain preoccupied with childish obsessions that hinder the progress of their relationship.
However! If you find your ticket and behave like Charlie did e.g. sweet, appreciative, humble, willing to learn etc eventually you’ll own the factory and it’s a happy ending.
But just because I find great pleasure in being polemic….
Factors that could potentially render the Willy Wonker Theory void
1) There are more women in the world than men. Therefore men have an unfair numerical advantage.
2) Factor 1 causes some men to realise that they're short in supply but in high demand. Those with perverse philosophical logic will cite the combination of this fact and the apparent unnaturalness of monogamy as a reason to have as many Golden Tickets as their hands can handle.
3) Factor 2 means many women have long given up the hope of finding the Golden Ticket and would be happy with a bar of chocolate that didn’t evolve into rhino shit after 6 months.
4) Life is full of disappointments; it is quite possible your Golden Ticket is the equivalent of an Argos 9ct friendship ring.
5) Happy endings don’t mean the absence of complications. After being granted ownership of the factory Charlie had to live in a wretched Glass Elevator. When you eventually win the factory you will end up feeling trapped and claustrophobic. Cue the line that covers all evils “It’s not you, it’s me”.
I recently noticed something. Whilst the number of male friends in my life has stayed constant or increased with time, the number of female friends always fluctuates. The reason for this phenomenon?
1) Men don’t argue as a recreational activity. Women do. 2) Men don’t ask to borrow clothing then return it soiled, noticeably damaged or accidentally on purpose forget to give it back. Women do. 3) Men don’t take pleasure in speaking about people behind their backs. Women do.
Regardless I love my female friends. They inject the right amount of crazy into my life whilst my male friends give me enough balance to ensure I don’t tip over the edge.
Nevertheless! After extensive research and numerous surveys I have discovered that (platonic) mixed-gender friendships work best. Therefore working from that logic, all women’s lives would be much simpler if all their friends were men.
When I proposed this theory to a friend she claimed my theory was flawed due to a “law of the universe”.
Apparently….“Men and women can NEVER be just friends”
Well I haven’t received the memo that the impossibility of platonic friendships is enshrined in natural law. Men and women can indeed be ‘just friends’. I will admit it’s often those that constantly claim they are ‘just friends’ who are normally doing freaky things behind closed doors. BUT! Those deceivers aside, it possible for men and women to be just friends…under certain conditions.
The "Just Friends" Conditions
1) They’re related
Incest is illegal. No further expansion necessary.
2) They’re practically related
It is an African social convention to call anyone that is older than you by 8 years or more, aunty or uncle. I’ve never understood why, but I’ve never been stupid enough to challenge this bizarre practice. So perhaps “it’s a black thing” (apologies for the crude racial soundbite) but I have tons of “cousins” who aren’t really cousins, “brothers” who aren’t brothers and I grew up calling my Portuguese next-door neighbour Granddad.
Therefore if you’re “practically family” it is possible to be "just friends".
3) They met between the ages of 36 months and 11 years
If you’re a normal child (not a hyper-sexualised miniature nympho) and you meet someone of the opposite sex during this window of time, they will probably annoy you. The annoyance and the repulsion you felt as a child will never be forgotten, making it damn near impossible to see them as anything but a friend when you become adults.
4) The woman has decided the man has no chance
Most men are arrogant creatures who believe that given the right context, any woman is within their reach. So if sufficiently inebriated, bored or both, the male may attempt to become friends with benefits. But! If the woman has long decided that she’d rather compliment her ex-boyfriends new girlfriend then hook up with her friend, they will continue to be just friends.
5) They got it out their system
If a prior attempt at a relationship failed or both parties have got any sexual tension they may have out of their systems, from that time onwards they can be ‘just friends’.
6) The possession of an irredeemable flaw
Irredeemable flaws are relative concepts. For some people it’s a physical feature (I know men that would never be with a woman with a flat behind) for others it’s a character trait (I know women that don’t like men who are “too nice”).
All that’s necessary is for one person (if not both) to posses a flaw that that the other is unwilling to overlook and this will ensure they remain comfortably in the friend zone.
7) They’re afraid
You know your two friends that people constantly tell, “you two make the perfect couple, you should get together” and they issue an awkward denial ? Well the truth is on some level they are fully aware that they would make the perfect couple. In fact, if they did get together they’d be one of the few couples that manage to defy the statistics and actually last.
Unfortunately we’re often driven by our fears rather than our dreams. Therefore their mutual fear of the possibility of being in a functional fulfilling relationship means that they will decide that the risk of ‘messing up a really good friendship’ outweighs the possibility of happiness.
99.9% of the time such people stay ‘just friends” and simply end up being miserable with other people.
So one of my best friends in the world (let’s call him Tintin) is telling me his latest "woman dilemma”. After hearing his side of the story I said and I quote.
“ Tintin you’re part of the reason that millions of women hate men. If within the next 30 days, you don't make a decision about your jump off/link/friend with benefits, your life will be intolerable for the next 30 weeks”
Side Bar: 30 weeks is the average amount of time it takes for a scorned female to stop sending evil thoughts and negative energy.
Basically Tintin had strung his jump off/link/friend with benefits along for so long this female had started acting like she had lost her mind. Now we both learnt much during our meaningful and dare I say life-transforming discourse. Seriously! We wished we videotaped it, this conversation contained Oprah's sofa level revelations.
For far too long many women (myself included) have held the belief that men maliciously allow us to wallow in no mans land. That they enjoy playing with our minds and allowing us to constantly wonder "will he or won't he". And sometimes this is the case. There are many wicked men who exploit vulnerable (and sometimes stupid) women for their sexual benefit.
Nevertheless. There is a significant segment of the male population who are oblivious when a woman is acting out because she desires status. And it’s not because they lack emotional intelligence, but it's because they're happy/comfortable with the current arrangement and assume she is also.
So as we grappled with this issue further Tintin concluded that I would have to write a rant stating what I believe is obvious. The only reason I agreed is because as Tintin believes he 'inspired' this rant, it's a good deed that will help deflect the negative energy this woman has sent his way and as a result (hopefully) the mechanic will give him good news about his car tomorrow.
Men, take heed. This information could save your life. Or at the very least 6 months of random prank calls.
10 clues she will very soon hate you forever and you will pretty much deserve it, unless you love her or leave her alone.
1) Mood swings She’s really happy with you one minute and then on some days she acts like you don't exist. She's not only angry with you but furious with herself for allowing you to still be in her life.
2) The cryptic Facebook status update "Gina Redmond is thinking things are about to change" Which really means “Gina Redmond is so sprung that in spite of my best intentions I’ll still call him this evening"
3) Her friends are standoffish If her friends stare when they meet you, don’t say hello and only give you a curt nod when saying goodbye, she has told them everything you've done and they hate you for it. They only reason they’re staring is because they’re trying to figure out what she sees in you.
4) You made her cry without being present It's one thing to make a woman cry. But if you make a woman cry in your absence (basically the thought of you brings her to tears) and she informs you of this at a later date, you my friend are treading on thin ice.
5) Emotionally charged phone calls If you get off the phone and you feel like you've just attended a funeral and that woman isn't your girlfriend …….you must make a decision before she calls you back.
6) Random dudes If she nonchalantly mentions a random male that is apparently interested in her and then suggests she is contemplating entertaining this man. This is a code orange situation and your reaction is crucial to how things evolve from this point onwards. Quite simply, the question "do you mind me seeing *******?" is the jump offs litmus test. Answer with caution.
Note! She doesn't like this random man and there is a huge possibility he doesn't even exist.
7) She told you If she expressed the fact she wants more than your current arrangement but for whatever reason you chose not to act. I have no advice for you and frankly I'm confused as to why you read 1-6.
8)She asks if you’re "seeing" someone else.
9) She told you she hates you.
10) I haven’t got any more clues. What say you?
Peace, Love and Everybody Hates Chris (Brown) xxx
Disclaimer: The above clues are based on true-life events. No jump offs were harmed in their formulation. I would like to formally extend an apology to any who are offended by their publication. Indeed it’s for the benefit of wider humanity and to ensure the emancipation of millions of women from the chains of being "almost" a girlfriend.
There are certain things that I will always dislike.
Being on the train at rush hour.
Being called on private number.
Being asked random yet inquisitive questions about "black culture" that not only require my intelligent analysis but for the enquirer to go away feeling like they're culturally aware.
Memo to the world. I am not "Black Google" or a walking diversity consultant. Any probing questions you may have about black people or any other apparently "challenging" ethnic group, I don't hold the answer.
Side Bar: - This is not a jab at people who are genuinely interested in black culture and truly want to know how I manage to get my hair to do ‘that’. It’s a jab at anyone that thinks a conversation will solve the world's dilemma.
What I really dislike are trends. Trend spotters, trend starters, trend followers.
Trends my dear friends are destroying any sense of individuality we may have had. Ensuring by the end of this decade we will all become a boring monolithic lump.
Oh we'll be a skinny jeans, bright anorak, PLO scarf, Che Guevara/whatever murderer is in fashion t-shirt, Converse-wearing lump. We’ll all act like we’re unique in our endeavors to be different, with a random tattoo in Cantonese on our back/ stars down our neck. But when it boils down to it, we’ll all be the same.
But you know what specific trend I'm sick of?
It’s not the waist belt.
Or those underfed celebrities wearing that ubiquitous Herve Leger dress.
It’s not the fact that people with 20/20 vision insist on wearing oversized nerdish glasses (that trend has grown on me big time).
Or the fact that every woman that cut her hair in a Rihanna inspired moment is now going through that awkward ‘my haircut is growing out but I don’t know what the hell to do’ phase.
You know what trend I despise the most?
Choice abuse The act of dictating to oneself how one lives without reference to reason or wisdom. Deliberately embracing the most foolish option and justifying it by the maxim ‘It’s my life’.
We are a generation who are all guilty "choice abuse". Foolish decision, after foolish decision all in the name of freedom.
But wait there’s another maxim to justify a series of unnecessary blunders.
‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’.
Oh yes that makes complete sense. You’ve just made a decision that’s the equivalent of drinking a pint of bleach whilst high on crack, but don’t worry the fact you ‘lived through it’ makes it ok, after all you’re stronger.
Unfortunately the media is reinforcing the message that it’s ‘trendy’ to make reckless choices and put yourself through a self-inflicted ordeal. It seems that every single person in the tabloids is either in rehab, on their way to rehab or has just come out of rehab.
And now choice abuse has become society’s greatest curse.
Don’t believe me?
What about that woman who deliberately gets impregnated by a man she knows doesn’t want a relationship (let alone offspring) and justifies her selfishness by somehow coming to the genius conclusion that she can be a mum and a dad.
Well last time I checked, that’s like saying you can be a hand and a foot. Not possible.
Or the man who blames his lack of employment on immigrants flooding the country, despite the fact he’s yet to fill out a single job application.
And when you question their behavior how do they justify it? You guessed it, ‘it’s my choice, mind your own business’.
Which is a completely valid point.
Except choices aren’t made in a vacuum.
We’re all connected somehow. Our bad choices don’t just affect us, they affect everyone around us.
And that is why I will always despise trends. Because when stupidity catches on, it’s almost impossible to stop. . Peace, Love and Y’all are Rockstars!
1) St Valentine is dead. So he really won’t know if you choose not to celebrate his ‘dead day’. Furthermore if heaven is what they say it is, he probably doesn’t care.
2) We’re not even sure if he existed. St Valentine is probably about 2-4 martyr stories blended into one. So it’s the equivalent of spending money on a day which honours Cinderella, Rapunzel and Snow White.
3) If St Valentine did exist, he did not wear a nappy, strap wings to his back and carry a bow. Cupid is Roman mythology, St Valentine is Catholicism, last time I checked, they didn’t mix.
4) Until 1969 the Roman Catholic Church formally recognised 11 Valentine’s days. Therefore if you pay no attention to excessive advertising and are dim enough to forget it’s Valentine’s Day, you could escape punishment on a technicality.
5) You’re probably not that religious, you forget all the other Saint’s days (well apart from St Patrick, that’s an excuse to have a drink) why remember this one? And if you’re that religious shouldn’t you technically go to church instead of a restaurant?
6) If you’re really ‘creative’ and plan to propose on Valentine’s Day there really is no point if you’re just going to get divorced a few years later. St Valentine (if he did exist) definitely does not want that.
7) If you think celebrating Valentine’s Day is a chore, be very grateful that Hugo Chavez is not your president. Since there’s a referendum on February 15, he’s decided to have a ‘week of love’ starting on February 16. I must admit that my source for this fact is Wikipedia, it’s decent website for mediocre essays, but I do have a feeling they take great pleasure in propagating false information.
8) Legend has it that people used to believe that the first unmarried person of the opposite sex you met on the morning of St. Valentine's Day would become your spouse. Since I live in South London, I intend to blindfold myself for the entire day.
9) Men spend on average twice as much as women on Valentine’s Day. We are clearly a long way away from equal rights.
10) According to the Ipsos-Insight for the American Floral Endowment's Consumer Tracking Study (2004), when a woman buys flowers on Valentine's Day she is most likely to be buying them for herself. Why am I not shocked?
11) Hallmark claim that only one-third of Valentine’s days cards are accompanied by gifts. Unless there is a fat wad of cash in 66.66% of cards, that is a travesty. And no it’s not the thought that counts, if it was I would think my way to being a size 6 and a 32FF.
12) In the Simpson’s episode “The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons” Apu pretended to be married to Marge to avoid an arranged marriage. That makes Homer Simpson the best friend you could ever have, but the worst husband.
13) As we’re currently in the biggest recession since the Great Depression, if there ever was a year to rebel against a festival in the name of anti-materialism, this is it.
14) The best love gift ever is the Taj Mahal. It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his wife. Considering she died giving birth to their 14th child, I do think it was the least he could do.
15) In the days when George Michael and Elton John pretended they were straight, Elton took it to another level and married his girlfriend on you guessed it, February 14th.
Unless you're part of some bizarre cult, which prohibits you from paying attention to celebrity culture, you will be aware of the nasty twist that has occurred in the romance of Chris Brown and Rihanna.
Allegedly, Chris Brown went Bruce Lee on Rihanna. His weapon of choice ? An umbrella. I'm joking. About the umbrella part that is, but wouldn't it be oh so ironic?
Anyway!No more jokes. There's nothing funny about domestic violence.
Well unless it involves two midgets and the woman’s chasing the man with a miniature golf club.........That image will forever put a smile on my face.
If the allegations are true and Chris Brown believes it’s justifiable to hit a woman, I honestly don’t think he should go to prison. My idea is to slice off his right heel. That's right, a nice diagonal chop so he can teach his children Pythagoras’s theorem with his foot and a floorboard.
Side Bar: I advocate this punishment for every single man (and woman) that thinks they have the right to terrorise their loved ones with violence.
This means when he makes his eventual comeback (if Robert Kelly can have hit records after child molestation charges, anything is possible) it will be absolutely hilarious watching him attempt to keep his balance whilst performing "Run it" on the "Chris Brown Redemption" tour.
Macabre crime and punishment systems aside, this incident raises a number of probing questions.
1) When on earth did Chris Brown become the violent type? 2) Does this mean that Riana’s next album will be entitled "Screw Umbrellas carry a Pistol”? * I’m sorry that's my last crude joke* 3) Aren't we all slightly disappointed we probably won't get to see their tone deaf yet absolutely beautiful offspring? 4) Is Michael Phelps thanking God that there’s another fallen angel to demonise? 5) When will Rihanna take him back?
And 5 my friends, is the real question. Note my use of the word when not If. You see, regardless of the verity of the allegations or the outcome of events the likelihood is that Rihanna (or Robyn Fenty according to the police report) will once again be joint at the hip to a man who (hopefully) has two feet but one heel.
Now this is not one of those rants where I lament about the irrational behavior of my gender. Rihanna won't take Chris back because she's a woman. And it won’t be for the publicity. Haircuts and dominatrix outfits seem to be doing the trick already.
Rihanna will take the (alleged) scumbag back because she’s human.
We all possess a self-destructive streak. We just manifest it in different ways or choose to channel it into something relatively positive. Some of us smoke. Others shop excessively . But most of us manifest our self-destructive streak by the relationships we engage in. Heck I’m sure at least 75% of you have a friend that you should have got cut off at least 3 years ago but you keep holding on! Toxic relationships have a powerful addictive quality. And there is nothing more thrilling than a soul-destroying courtship.
Secondly! Even though I suspect a publicist concocted this relationship, the probability is that Rihanna is in love. Love is one of those fluid relative concepts that’s impossible to define and understand. Love (not hate) is one of the most powerful and dangerous human emotions. Don’t believe me? Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by someone that loves you/or you love, than someone that hates you or a perfect stranger.
My weird facts aside, all I know is that love often makes people do stupid things. Like forgetting the fact that it’s better for someone to demonstrate his or her love to you than proclaim it.
So although I do hope we don’t have another Whitney and Bobby on our hands, I give it 6 months before they reunite and torment us with a Sonny and Cheresque duet.
So everyone on Facebook is doing this whole ‘25 things about me that you didn’t know…’. I refuse to do one, as there is a valid reason why the world doesn’t know these 25 things already. Regardless reading other people’s 25 things got me thinking………. 25 ways to ensure you have a happy-ish relationship.
1) A ridiculous number of relationships fall apart over sterling. Don’t lend each other money. You’re not the IMF or a bailout plan with genetalia. If they need a loan and can prove they will be able to generate the income necessary to insure speedy repayment, they won’t have any trouble convincing their local bank manager. If that fails……..get them to sell their hair.
2) Keep being the person you pretended to be when you first met. Yes it’s tiresome, but when you do slip up and act like the real you at least you can claim your behaviour was ‘out of character’.
3) Don’t point out other people you think they may be attracted to. It reeks of insecurity and could potentially backfire.
4) Every time you have the urge to start an argument for the sake of it, scratch your cornea.
5) Only tell your secrets if they tell you theirs first. Furthermore never tell disclose a Class A secret to someone who keeps giving you Class C information. Therefore if (or when) it falls apart, it’s mutual assured destruction if anyone chooses to breech the others confidence.
6) Never leave your phone unaccompanied.
7) Never ever mention the ‘ex’ as a conversation starter. Unless your informing your partner of their sudden death, it is unlikely that anything positive will come from that conversation.
8) Dress as well as you did when you were single.
9) Separate your partner’s friends/family members into two categories. ‘Help’ and ‘hindrance’. Make every attempt to win over people that fall into the ‘hindrance’ category.
10) If the hindrance happens to be their mother, migrate.
11) Don’t compare yourself to other couples.
12) Pretend to the listen to mundane stories you would rather not hear. All you have to say is ‘really, wow, never, is it?, you don’t say?’ on loop and tune out.
13) Don’t develop your own special vocabulary that makes people look at you curiously. Couples that feel the need to make additions to the English dictionary rarely last.
14) Passwords come up as ********* when typed for a valid reason. This reason doesn’t vanish when you’re in a relationship. Don’t ever let them know what your ********** is.
15) Only confess if you get caught.
16) Avoid doing things you need to confess.
17) Never have a close friend who is the same gender as you, who looks just like you, acts just like you and technically is an extension of yourself. Nothing good can come from it.
18) Don’t broadcast your issues on Facebook. Contrary to popular opinion, status updates aren’t magic, they can’t solve problems. Dialogue does.
19) Always remember that violence is never the answer. But throwing things certainly helps.
20) If you ever feel slightly depressed about who you’ve ended up with Google ‘Ike Turner’ or ‘ Lorena Bobbitt’. This will place things in perspective.
21) Every now and again allow the other to believe they won an argument. They feel smug because they were ‘right’, you feel smug because you know they were wrong but they think they were right. Everyone wins.
22) Equality is for communists and people who don’t have the slightest chance of being at the top. Therefore, someone in the relationship must assume the position of the leader. Ever seen two people drive a car at the same time? Exactly! So between you pick a captain and roll with it.
23) If they need a kidney and you happen to be the only match, give it to them if they agree that if you ever split up, you get their liver.
24) Don’t try and change people. It’s not fair. You want change? Youtube an Obama speech.
25) Never follow your heart. Kelly Clarkson’s last album is evidence that the heart is often not the best source of guidance. The grey matter within your cranium was placed there for a purpose, so use your head. If you’re still unsure, buy an 8 ball.
Right-wing news commentator “A recent study has shown a disproportionate level of criminal activity among children born in socially compromised conditions, educated in sub-standard institutions and ostracised by wider society”.
And whom does that commentator blame? Well Hip-Hop of course. Hip-Hop dear friends, is the root of all evil. The reason why feral children conceal machetes in their High School Musical lunchboxes.
So! In honour of stupidity, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon filled with people who blame music for our social ills. However, I have decided that if we are going to blame any genre, it’s not Hip Hop, it’s R&B.
5 modern R&B songs which have ensured that the gullible one’s will never have functioning relationships.
NOTE: Each of these songs is an undeniable tune. In fact I do consider them modern R&B classics. But the message of these songs in the wrong hands is more destructive than Hip-Hop can ever hope to be.
1) TLC – Creep
T-Boz’s practically inaudible vocal aside, the message of this song is clear. You cheat on me, I cheat on you. The problem is 15 years later it seems we’re still dealing with the consequences. The sheer number of paternity tests on Jeremy Kyle/Maury Pauvich are undeniable proof that sexual liberation has been taken a step too far. The irony, most men still haven’t realised that women ‘creep’ just as much as them.
2) TLC – No Scrubs
Bar one point “ if you have a shortie (child) but you don’t show love”the criterion for a man to be considered a scrub was completely perverse. Why? It was based solely on his financial resources.
“Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride” Well what if his car is at the mechanic?
“If you don't have a car and you're walking .Oh yes son I'm talking to you” What if he’s chosen to save for a car instead of fronting with a rental? (Hire purchase crew, I see you). Actually, so what if he can’t afford a car? Since when was it wrong to live within your means!
"Wanna get with me with no money oh no I don't want no scrub" That line has screwed many women (and men) up for good. Unfortunately it is the perfect reflection of the selfish and materialistic mentality that a frightening number of women posses. The word money should really be substituted with “character, values, ambition, morals, prospects’. But no that would make too much sense.
Unfortunately, nearly 10 years later not a single mediocre male R&B artist is yet to release a response record. My suggested title ‘Bitch get your own money’.
3) Destiny’s Child- Bills, Bills, Bills.
The same materialist message as ‘No Scrubs’. The same bunch of gold digging females bought into it and made it their maxim. Unfortunately by the time Destiny’s Child saw the light and decided to become ‘Independent Women’ it was far too late. Their target audience had spent the time between ‘The Writing’s On The Wall’ and ‘Survivor’ leeching off various men. So they’re now a bunch of ‘co-dependent’ women who can’t even afford to speak their minds, for fear of being cut off.
4) Jagged Edge – Let’s get married
It’s great hearing a record that promotes the institution of marriage. Unfortunately, it follows that if a Jagged Edge song is the sole impetus behind a marriage proposal, the relationship is pretty much doomed.
More to the point it’s basically the anthem for all the exhausted players. It’s not that he’s found true love; he just can’t be bothered to chase anyone else. The real title should be ‘We might as well get married’.
5) Beyonce - Irreplaceable
I do know listening to the same song over and over to mend a broken heart is cheaper than therapy and more classy than arson.
I’m aware that most female empowerment songs aren’t driven by logic. So the line “I can find another you in a minute, matter fact he’ll be here in a minute”, makes sense even though if applied literally, a woman will simply end up with a different version of her cheating boyfriend.
But ‘Irreplaceable’ is dangerously deceptive for two reasons…..
1) If they had written a verse three, the woman would have proceeded to recant, stated that her trifling boyfriend is indeed irreplaceable and due to the combination of her low self esteem and the lack of decent men on the market, she’s decided to take him back.
2) Most women look nothing like Beyonce. So poor average Keisha from Brixton/Brooklyn/Beirut truly believes in a song that technically doesn’t apply to her.
I was quite reluctant to write this ‘rant’. Just because I don’t want this blog to be pigeonholed as being for ‘women only’. This is a blog for men, women, transgendered, confused and jaded folk alike.
However! Two things made me change my mind.
1) A request from Danna (hiya!!!) which I took as a sign from the universe 2) My own selfish reasons
Normally when I write a rant I’m pretty much 95% convinced about my hypothesis. Well this time, I’m not at all sure. I’m actually only about 60% sure. This is because I still haven’t been able to fully comprehend the male species. Moreover the rise of the ‘heterosexual man bitch’ (a whole other rant) has meant that my signs could possibly be completely inaccurate.
This is where my own selfish intentions come into the equation. I would like men (and women) to comment on any signs that I may have missed out.
10 signs he’d rather punch himself in the neck than be with you….
1) He never phones you/ calls you back
I think this is pretty self-explanatory. However common sense is now extinct so I’ll have to expand on this point. If he never phones you and always ‘forgets’ to call you back. He doesn’t like you. In fact when your name flashes up on his phone, he grimaces then puts his phone right back in his pocket.
Please don’t think for a moment that when he does pick up your calls it is a sign of hope. No my dear, he only picked up because in that moment he forgot how much he dislikes you.
By the way, I haven’t included texts because if he doesn’t like you, he won’t even bother to type a sentence in your honour.
2) Name Trouble
If he has forgotten your name on more than 2 occasions and hasn’t made the effort to find out your surname…you’re about as desirable to him as a used toothpick.
3) He won’t be provoked
Women enjoy arguing, men don’t. However if a man likes a woman enough, he’ll entertain her antics. So if a woman is constantly trying to spark a passionate argument and a man looks amused as best. He couldn’t care less.
4) You haven’t met a single friend
If you’ve been talking/with a guy for more than 3 months and you haven’t met a single one of his friends, he doesn’t like you. The chances are, behind your back he calls you Batgirl. And not in the sexy superhero sense. Girl, he thinks you look like a bat.
5) It seems like he’s not listening
If you have ever had to say to a friend ‘it’s like he’s not listening to me’, it’s because he’s not. In fact he’s so repelled by your presence, his body radiates an invisible shield that blocks sound waves that come from your mouth
6) Complete lack of concern
If you call him and say “ oh my gosh you wouldn’t believe my day”, tell him a truly tragic story, end your story with the line “but thank God it’s not cancer” and all he says is “erm, so…”
It’s not that he has trouble expressing deep emotions or showing that he cares. He doesn’t like you. Furthermore he is silently cursing himself for forgetting to save your number as “DON’T PICK UP”.
7) He’s only paid for ONE thing
Ok I may be wrong about this one (men do correct me if I am) but I have got the impression that (most) men like to spoil women they like. So even if their net worth is 500 pence, they will do all they can to project the illusion of wealth. Basically his budget is ShoeExpress but he will front like it’s Jimmy Choo.
It follows, that if he has only paid for one thing. It could be a penny sweet or it could be Nando’s quarter chicken with two sides……. If he’s only paid for one thing, chances are he wishes you would evaporate.
Now if the one thing was a cab. And it happened to be when you were at his house and for some reason he was very anxious for you to get this cab as soon as possible, so anxious he offered to pay for it. You my dear are his bit on the side, his girlfriend was on the way.
8) He doesn’t know when your birthday is
Never in my life have I met a grown man who clapped with glee/seemed visibly moved after being presented with a birthday cake. So I am aware that men don’t attach the deep significance to birthdays that women do.
But! If a man isn’t even aware of the month in which your earth day falls. It is time for you to start playing mediocre R&B songs that make you feel like everything will be ok * cue Irreplaceable *
9) He never makes a move
If to do anything of sexual nature, you have to near molest him, it’s not because he’s shy or tired. I do suspect it’s because he finds you repulsive.
10) He speaks to ‘her’ in front of you
As women enjoy disliking other women for the sake of it, the chances are there are at least 3 women in his life that you’re plotting to get rid of. You have also made him aware that you pray daily for these women to be deported to Baghdad.
Now ‘her’ could be anyone.
His female ‘best friend’ that makes you sick.
The ex girlfriend that you’re ashamed he’s associated with.
‘Her’ is just code for the enemy.
So! If he speaks to ‘her’ on the phone when you’re in the room, not only does he not like you, but ‘her’ has ensured soon you will be history.
To my readers outside the UK, here in London it’s snowing. And not cute Ugg type snow, that makes you feel nostalgic. Treacherous snow that prevents you from getting your blasted car out of first gear and up the hill.
Sidebar: isn’t this proof that our country is becoming frighteningly inefficient? Despite days of projections and warnings they didn’t put a single measure in place to prevent this nonsense.
Anyway! Since so many of us are literally snowed in……..
21 things you can do when you’re snowed in.
1) Watch the latest film online. I’m currently downloading ‘Notorious’. I do apologise to the beneficiaries of the Christopher Wallace estate, but I’d rather not pay to watch Lil Kim's whorish antics, Puffy/Diddy/Sean’s narcissistic tendencies, and one of the greatest rappers of all time die at 25. I’ll buy ‘Ready to die’ next week.
2) Surf gossip blogs and figure out which celebrity has been under the knife. So far I’ve figured out that a certain songstress has clearly had at least two boob jobs, a face lift and I’m now convinced she’s bleaching her skin.
3) Stalk whoever you fancy on Facebook. You don’t technically need the snow to do this BUT today the likelihood is their status update will state their exact location. “James Yarde couldn’t get to work so is in his bedroom just chilling”. All you stalkerettes today is your lucky day!
4) Do some actual work. Some like me have a dissertation to write whilst the rebellious amongst you may have a testimony to prepare for that court date. Who am I kidding? Screw work, on to number 5.
5) Get rid of a tiresome friend. Seriously….call the friend you like the least/dislike the most and if they have a tragic ‘snow story’ i.e. I couldn’t get to work because I twisted my ankle in my driveway. Be completely unsympathetic and deliberately spark an argument. Tomorrow you will have one less pointless friendship to maintain.
6) Call your local cab office asking for a cab. If they say “no, we don’t have any today” keep calling back asking the same question, using different accents…fun
7) Go into your garden and write ‘HELP ME’ in tomato ketchup.
8) Start a petition to get rid off whichever artist is annoying you the most. I wish Lady Gaga wouldn’t make music videos, I do think she looks like a mummified, transvestite Christina Aguilera.
9) Youtube “Rihanna singing hero”…..it will make your day. *Caution, your ears will bleed *
10) Write a letter of compliant to “Juicy Couture” for making grown women believe that wearing pink velour is acceptable behaviour.
11) Think really hard about something in your life you’re not happy with, blow it out of proportion and decide you need a therapist.
12) Google “Amy Winehouse” then try and count her ribs.
13) Take pictures in the snow. I’m of African descent, therefore genetically I cannot tolerate the snow. Anglo-Saxons amongst you, please take lovely pictures on my behalf.
14) Run outside in your underwear saying “Yes We Can”. Do it for democracy and to demonstrate that in hindsight that three-word phrase was the most meaningless, contrived and brilliant political statements of all time.
15) Pierce your own nose.
16) Bid for clothes on eBay you don’t intend on buying. I’m doing it right now. For some reason I get a strange kick out of knowing someone in cyberspace is going to spend at least £5.50 more on a garment that will make them look like a crack head leprechaun.
17) Figure out who killed Tupuc.
18) Have a really deep discussion about the fact that snow in February is a reminder of the damage we have inflicted on the environment.
19) Skip 18 and leave your tap running for 10 minutes in celebration of the fact that we really don’t care because we’ll all be dead, in about 100 years when the universe implodes.
20) Build a snowman. Then deface it and write a banner saying ‘Racist scum’. Take a picture then send it to the Daily Mail. Claim you’re an old lady from the Cotswolds who just built a snowman with her grandson, but the ‘migrant coloured family’ across the road screamed that it was racist. The Daily Mail will love it. There is nothing they like more than pandering to stupidity and writing about immigrants. Headline “Now even a white snow man is offensive to immigrants”.
21) Play a game where you try and figure out your partners email password. Start with their ex.