She's not that into you......!

So I’m having a discussion with my friend and he tells me about some girl he’s going to take out to dinner. After he gave me a brief synopsis of their ‘relationship’ so far, I tell him to save himself the £ and buy himself some kicks instead. Why? Well I could tell she didn’t really like him but was stringing him along for some free Italian and whatever else she intended to use him for.

My friend is stubborn (and arrogant) so he was only convinced she wasn’t in love with him when I broke down in minute detail how I knew she was about to commit love fraud.

When I finished, he said and I quote “Babes, I’ve never heard this before. This is some deep shit, men need to know this”.

So despite the fact it’s gender betrayal and I know that one day I’m going to regret writing this rant, in honour of my dear friend and to save men a whole heap of £ in this recession. I present…


10 signals that she’s not that into you


1) She’s very very nice to you
She’s too nice. She treats you like her younger cousin with the thick glasses and a mental disability. If she’s that kind of nice, she doesn’t like you. I’m not saying women are mean to people they like. But if she’s not being even a little bit aloof, she just wants you for free dinners or whatever else she can get.

2) What about Shelia?
If you fancy a woman but she is constantly mentioning her ‘attractive’ friends, saying things like “what about Shelia, she’s pretty, or even Ella, she’s gorgeous”. She isn’t trying to gauge your type and it isn’t a subliminal tactic to get you to declare your undying love for her. No! She senses you like her a bit too much and feels two emotions. Pity and annoyance. Therefore she’s simply trying to offload you onto the unattractive friend she likes the least.

3) She tells you everything
Any woman that tells you everything is either:-

a) Insane
b) Come to the conclusion you’re gay, so she wants you to be her new gay friend.
c) Aware you’re straight but women can never have enough platonic male friends to run ‘man issues’ by.

She’s not telling you her secrets because she likes you that much. It’s because she likes to talk that much.

4) The Car
This will seem like a sexist generalisation but as you know I’m not really a fan of political correctness. Women don’t enjoy driving. In fact we prefer to be driven. So if you have a car, every time she invites you out will be when her and her girls needs a lift home. You’re not her future boyfriend. You my friend are nothing but a glorified cab driver.

5) The Cackle
If anytime you mention having a relationship with her /having sex, she laughs (a laugh akin to a witch’s cackle), you were relegated to being ‘just a friend’ long ago.

Furthermore she is going to go back to every single one of her friends and together they will laugh (even harder), about what you said.

6) She never calls you
This should be self-explanatory but I’ll take a moment nonetheless.

I know the word is women like to play hard to get and play all these sick games. But the truth is, when a woman really likes a man, willpower (and reason) become redundant. All those self-help books are forgotten and the counter-intuitive behaviour begins. So if she never calls you, it’s not some underhanded tactic. She can’t stand you.

7) ‘Maybe one day…but right now’
If you tell a woman you like her and she says (with all the ‘emotion’ she can muster) ‘maybe one day, but right now I don’t think so’. She is really saying ‘never, ever ever ever. Not even by mistake. The only way I will ever end up with you is if I become a failure and suddenly lose sight of all that is good about myself’. Seriously…that’s what she’s really saying.

8) She told you she doesn’t like you
This is one of the few statements a woman makes that you must take at face value. If she says ‘I don’t like you’, she doesn’t.

9) How’s Daniel?
If every single time she speaks to you she manages to bring up or ask about a friend of yours and if it happens to be the same friend every time…she’s not that into you.
She’s into your friend.

10) She never complains about you
You think she’s the perfect woman because she hasn’t uttered a single word of complaint about you. Sorry to break this to you, but the truth is she has chosen not to invest her complaints in you.

Peace, Love and Lily Allen

xxx

Women cheat just as much as men?

I was recently engaged in a rather heated debate with one of my closest friends over the following statement.

Men cheat more than women.

She believes that “men lack emotional intelligence and self control therefore they’re unable to sustain monogamous relationships unless they’re with a woman who knows how to use a gun”. On the other hand, I believe women cheat just as much as men but because women are deceptive creatures and society doesn’t expect them to cheat, they rarely get caught.

We argued for about 45 minutes, and then concluded that I would have to ‘rant’ about this topic. The agreement was that I would write an unbiased and objective post, then ask you all to weigh in and decide who is right. But this is my blog. My sincerest apologies to my lovely friend, but we’ll just have to ‘imagine’ your arguments.

Why men get caught (and women don’t)

1) Men don’t lie (very well)

Our materialistic and vapid society means that women are esteemed according to how good they look. Therefore I can guarantee that any woman reading this rant is lying about at least one of the following things: -

Her height – Heels
Her weight – She bought a size too small and can’t eat/breathe too much because the zip will burst.
Her breasts - Padded bra or for the painfully insecure breast implants.
Her face– No matter how bad this recession gets MAC cosmetics will always turnover a profit.
Her hair – You may have caught her shaving the hair off that poor Brazilian child’s head but she will swear blind that her hair is not a weave.

My point? Women lie without even uttering a word. So when they need to ‘speak a lie’, they lie with such conviction and honesty, they even fool themselves into believing it’s the truth. Only women (and children under 7) have the ability to lie without thinking.

Men on the other hand………
When a man needs to lie, he stutters, darts his eyes around, his body language changes markedly, his tone of voice shifts and he ‘mmms and aaahs’ so much, he eventually gives up and tells the truth.

And therein lies the major reason why men get caught.

They can’t lie well enough.

2) Men don’t hide things (very well).

Sometimes when I go shopping and I want to buy something, e.g a top, but I’m still unsure, I’ll go to another shop. But! Before I leave, I will very carefully hide the top I’m considering purchasing. Unfortunately most shops only have a 24hr hold policy and heaven forbid some other woman gets her greasy paws on my top. And although it’s (another) shopping anecdote, it is a lesson about another ‘thing’ my gender do, just because they can . Women hide things. Extraordinarily well.
Side Bar: I normally hide clothing in the ‘bargain bins’ or if the store has a sofa I place it underneath the cushions. Just thought I’d give you all that tip so I can tick off my good deed for the day.

However men never get so emotionally attached to clothing. Not only do they not realise the art of hiding clothes is a survival mechanism, but they can’t use this (very necessary) skill in other circumstances.

Since women start keeping secrets around age 8 and hiding clothes at 11, they have far more ‘hiding experience’ than their male counterparts. This makes detecting a cheating woman near impossible.


3) The Consequences

Let me keep this one brief.

A man would rather drink his own spit for life than stay with a woman who cheated on him.

If a man cheats, 95% of the time the women takes him back.

If a woman cheats, 95% of time, the man kicks her to the curb.

So since (in the long term) men face little consequence for cheating, they cheat in the most reckless fashion. Whereas women have a lot more to lose, so they do their utmost to keep it on the down low.

Or have I got it completely wrong?

Peace, Love and Twisted Logic

xxx

The curse of pretty men

Warning! This rant will contain a number of generalisations. We all know that by very definition generalisations can never be true. But for this rant, please bear with me.

Pretty Men.

They are beyond handsome. Men with enviable eyelashes, perfect skin, Adonis proportions. Walking perfection advertisements. I have decided that not only are pretty men incredibly dangerous they tend to be incredibly stupid.

Now I’m not being contrary for the sake of it. I’m fully aware that it’s pretty women that are supposed to be stupid. However my own independent research has discovered that there are many many stupid women who look like monkeys in wigs. The truth is stupid women don’t tend to be pretty; the only common trait all stupid women share is laziness.

We are a world defined by conflict and division. There aren’t many issues in which the whole world can unite. However with pretty men, men and women all around the globe must unite and identify this common threat to humanity’s sanity. Now let me explain why pretty men are a ‘common threat’ (my God I sound like a republican).

As a society we treat pretty people better. Like how we coo over cute babies and offer to baby-sit but grimace when we come across a child with an unsightly head and claim we’re ‘just so busy’. Unfortunately we’re a fickle bunch. This means attractive people have an in-built advantage that others may not possess, a rule that applies to both men and women. However with pretty men, it often has dire consequences.

Most attractive women quickly cotton on to the fact, that the older they get the less desirable they become. This means they must either find some other avenue to validate themselves. Like having kids, a successful career or marrying rich and getting lots of plastic surgery.

For pretty men the opposite occurs. Our society is constructed in such a way we believe that as men age their sex appeal increases. Whereas with women…well let’s just say I don’t ever envision sagging breasts becoming the ultimate fashion statement.

And this is precisely why pretty men are dangerous. Although stupid, they are smart enough to realise that as a rare commodity whose value appreciates with time, there is really no need to work on their character/personality. Why on earth strive to be someone who can conduct an engaging conversation when women are spellbound by your looks?

Moreover, in spite of their feeble characters women will overlook a man’s overwhelming number of flaws and make him their boyfriend (or baby father) just because he’s pretty. A decision they eventually come to regret. Whilst men who aren’t as pretty yet have much more to offer, are often overlooked. Because of this they all kill themselves. I’m joking!

Jokes aside, just can’t go on. We must restore a sense of justice in our society and get rid of the pretty boy allowance.

I will admit pretty men perform a necessary social good. They bring other couples together. You see every male clique has a designated pretty boy. He is an essential tool, whose sole function is to act as a women magnet. We all know when there’s a pretty boy around, women swarm like locusts (even though they all think they’re being discreet). And as women are conniving creatures they will be exceptionally kind to other members of the clique, all in aid of getting that bit closer to the pretty boy.

However before most women know it, the pretty boy is nowhere to be found and 6 months later they realise they are in a relationship with ‘the guy with the funny head’.

So perhaps getting rid of the pretty boy allowance is not such a good idea?


Peace, Love and Firefox

Switch it off at midnight

I have a theory.

The changes in methods of communication have caused a number of phenomena.

Firstly.
We are ‘in touch’ with people all the time. In fact we communicate so much we get annoyed when our mobile rings and ignore the 84 notifications we have when we log onto Facebook. I call it communication saturation.

Secondly.
Although there has been an increase in the methods of communication there has been a simultaneous decrease in the quality of our conversations and in turn the substance of our relationships. We don’t say ‘I love you’ we text it. We email instead of writing a heartfelt letter. We Facebook long lost friends that we should really make an effort to see. Ironically the explosion in methods of communication has effectively depersonalised it and made it hollow.

Finally.
The fact that the devices we communicate with come with memory cards, hard drives, video/audio-recording capabilities, cameras, editing suites and other random things, we are all walking spies.

What does this mean?
Well in times gone past, when relationships fell apart, there was no hard proof of our moments of weakness. But those days are no more. Text messages can be eternally stored on SIM cards, voicemails are ripped from mobiles onto PC’s (well Mac’s since usually only Mac users can do such wickedly useful acts) and X-Rated photographs can go global at the click of a button.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem. Now there is evidence. Irrefutable evidence

So what’s the solution?
Switch it ALL off at midnight. Because for some reason, when the clock strikes twelve, the likelihood of doing something you’ll one day regret, multiplies. .

Think of the last text you wish you could ‘unsend’.

Or the last confession/statement you made over the phone, that when you woke up the morning after you wondered if you ‘really said that’.

Or the last time you called the person you vowed you would never speak to again.

I can almost guarantee that each time technology enabled folly, it occurred after midnight and before 4 am. And I’m not sure why.

For a brief moment I thought boredom caused our reasoning faculties to deplete at midnight. But let’s face it, that’s not a good enough reason, we’re bored all the time. Heck we’re so bored we spend more time posing for pictures on nights out than dancing…..I digress.

Now the thing is I’m not denying that communicating after midnight has its uses. In fact late night conversations are probably one of the most crucial development stages in a relationship. You see, although we’re using methods of communication that eventually erode the quality of our relationships, in the short run they enhance the nature (and entertainment value) of our conversations.

It’s funny what you’ll type/say, late at night when you can’t physically see someone (well unless you’re using iChat). We become brazen and broach subjects we otherwise wouldn’t. This applies to men and women equally. Late night conversations virtual and audio are a fantastic means of getting to know a persons dirty little secrets. And this is all well and good if you end up marrying the person and living happily ever after.

Unfortunately 99.9% of the time this doesn’t occur. And an individual you no longer like that much, has access to texts, emails, Facebook/MSN messages, photographs, video footage etc that you’d like to forget even happened.

Side bar: BlackBerry Messenger users beware. The ‘copy history’ function could one day be use against you. PING!!! with caution.

Now it’s not that I believe that your ex will use the information against you. But the fact is every now and again you will feel random pangs of worry when you simply remember. And I don’t want my readers worrying.

Therefore.

Unless you’re dating a celebrity that could help you blow up if your ‘private’ goes ‘public’. If you’re ‘seeing’ someone and you’re not sure.

Switch off at midnight.


Peace, Love and Patrice Rushen

Xxx

P.S I know the picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post. But Kimberly was always my favourite. And I’ve always said if all else fails I’ll just become a power ranger.

Why men rule the world

Before I start ‘ranting’ I will first apologise for my five-day hiatus (issues, issues, issues) and secondly congratulate President Barrack Obama on doing the impossible and looking effortlessly relaxed whilst doing so. All the best Mr President.

Right! Back to business……..

My question for the day. Why do men rule the world?

Radical feminists blame patriarchy. The social structure in which we live in, where gender inequality and prejudice has been institutionalised to the point the only solution is a complete overhaul of the system. However, I have reason to believe that women don’t rule the world for a much simpler reason.

Women don’t like each other.

They really don’t.

Ask any woman right now how many people she has a problem with and I can guarantee that everyone on her hit list is female (bar a few ex-boyfriends).

Ask a man (straight man, that is) and it is likely he’ll say ‘no one’ or if pushed he’ll name a rival football team.

Now it’s not that men don’t dislike each other. It’s just they can rarely be bothered to express their grievances or launch CIA type character assassination campaigns. This means they never consume themselves with things they shouldn’t and concern themselves with how they will continue to rule the world.

I thought about outlining examples of how women around the world show their (often unjustified) contempt of each other and how this impedes the progress of my gender. Then I decided against it. The evidence is so overwhelming that if you haven’t noticed it or need me to convince you, you must be too visually impaired to even read this blog.

But then I thought of five observations, so striking, they deserved honourable mentions….

1) The fact there is not a single female celebrity under the age of 40 that any group of women on this earth could universally agree is beautiful, without pointing out at least 5 inconsequential flaws. Inconsequential flaws include an overbite, nose job, hair weave, bowlegs, love handles and breast implants.

2) If there is a case of infidelity and a woman’s boyfriend/husband cheats with her best friend it is likely she will dump her best friend and keep her partner.

3) A reincarnated Helen of Troy could walk into a room full of women and at least one would comment “I mean I guess she’s pretty but she’s just too perfect”.

4) Despite Beyonce Knowles Carter embodying all that is great and good about post-feminism some people (99% of them female) believe she is ‘just not all that’.

5) Female solidarity is now a redundant concept. Many of us are fascinated by ‘Brangelina’ and their journeys with their UN kids clan; Jennifer Aniston is now a distant memory.

Now because of excessive hateration (I couldn’t think of a better term) I’ve met countless women who choose not to have female friends. An extreme stance, but one I am increasingly able to empathise with. The fact is having female friends can be quite taxing on your self-esteem.

For example…

When a man meets another man for the first time it’s pretty much tabula rasa (I knew Latin GCSE would come in handy one day……. ). He judges him on the basis of how much they have in common. If they have a lot in common, all things being equal they stay friends for life.

Whereas when a woman meets another woman for the first time she has inspected, analysed and evaluated her by her hair, shoes, eyebrows, outfit and make up…All before the other lady has opened her mouth. These two women will become friends if they don’t regard each other as a threat. But as fear is often rooted in perception rather than reality, both women will do their utmost to ensure their friend never becomes a threat. Their best weapon – destroying their self-esteem.

Now I can’t pinpoint why most women choose to pull each other down as opposed to building each other up. It actually takes a lot of energy and an intense level of thought to unpack social issues (yes I consider women’s self hatred a social issue) and simultaneously posit a workable solution.

I guess part of the solution would be an empowering paragraph about women loving themselves, embracing their flaws and putting a stop to projecting their shortcomings on those around them. Then all women of the earth would live in perfect harmony and work together to lobby their respective governments for a stiletto subsidy.

But screw it, I can’t be bothered and despite my opinion that a stiletto subsidy is a necessary part of the government budget I doubt any legitimate authority would put it in place.

So what was the point of this rant?

Well I’ve noticed the new trend is man bashing. The process where groups of women get together and blame all of their self-inflicted issues on the men they allow to become part of their lives. I’ve been to a number of sessions myself and I will admit that they’re not only entertaining but cathartic. But are they helpful? Definitely not.

Woman bashing on the other hand -the process where groups of women come together and realise they’re their own worst enemies and decide to make an immediate change. That would be helpful for us all!

Peace, Love and We Major
xxx

Don't get involved!

Friends and family will always fight. If you ever find yourself tempted to defuse an argument…….don’t!

Five Reasons you just don’t get involved!

1) There is always a temptation to take a side because generally one person is in the wrong. However when you pick a side, you choose to move from the periphery to the centre of the conflict. Therefore when the original actors make up YOU will be the odd one out.

Furthermore it is also almost impossible to stay neutral. If you do manage to stay neutral, both parties will regard your neutrality with suspicion and incorrectly conclude you’ve decided to side with the other person. If you pick a side you’re doomed, if you remain neutral you’re doomed. There is no golden mean. Just don’t get involved.


2) Resolving family/friendship conflicts is often a costly affair. There are fuel costs (driving to and fro), you’ll probably triple your phone bill and if your nearest and dearest are the violent type you may damage clothing in the process of splitting up a fight. You won’t be able to invoice anyone for the costs incurred.

If you’re somehow immune to the recession and money doesn’t matter, this may not be enough of a deterrent. Nevertheless you won’t be able to regain wasted time or sue anyone for the damage their mess caused on the rest of your life. I do acknowledge that there is something valiant and honourable about playing the peacemaker. But if people are determined to fight to the death, let them rip each other’s eyes out if necessary.

3) You may not be aware of this, but many people thrive on drama. For some it’s because they crave attention for others it’s a way to alleviate boredom. For most it’s a leisure activity. It’s like Facebook. Once you start ‘using’ it, you can’t stop even though you don’t like it that much.

So you may not originally enjoy resolving conflicts but soon you’ll get used to your role and begin to relish it. And before you know it, you’ll start creating drama yourself.

4) Now this is probably going to seem rather sexist and I am trying to stop making crude generalisations but………there is a crucial difference in what causes men and women to argue. Men often have concrete and legitimate qualms, whilst (most) women argue about petty things. Petty arguments quickly become irrational arguments, which eventually morph into vicious conflicts. Don’t believe me? Ask any woman why she isn’t speaking to her ex- best friend and she will say, “it’s a long story”. That is code for “when I retell the story out loud I realise how utterly stupid we both are”. In essence there is nothing you will really gain when trying to mediate an argument between two women.

Unless….!
a) You like hearing vicious gossip and biased narratives
b) You think shrieking is a turn on
c) You intend to work for the United Nations. Therefore you’ll already know what it is to be powerless.

5) There is nothing people like more than having an argument, making up and then claiming they’re “closer than they have ever been”. The process of rebuilding the friendship often involves exchanging notes on who said what when they weren’t talking. Note, they won’t disclose what they said about each other (that would be awkward), just what other people said. The former foes are now so close, they refuse to believe they caused the argument themselves and soon conclude that their hatred must have been caused by an external factor.

I can assure you, if you got involved, you will be blamed.

Peace, Love and Asher Roth


xxx

Ten lessons they should teach in school

If the world became a truly horrible place and people like me were allowed around children and then I somehow made it to Head Teacher……..These are ten lessons I would teach my year 7 students in their first assembly.

Ten Lessons
1) You will attend thousands of classes on a variety of subjects. In the grand scheme of things these lessons are completely futile. In actual fact it’s the lessons you learn outside the classroom that are far more important. It’s fine if you never quite grasp how to deconstruct a text. What is really important is that you learn people. Especially the people you dislike. Learn how people behave and crucially why they behave in the way they do. It may seem like an enormous task but you will quickly realise that people are more similar than you think.

2) You will make many, many friends. But by the time you are 21 it is highly unlikely that you will speak to any more than 3 of these people on a regular basis. Keep this in mind when you get into petty fights, that you will inevitably allow to consume your school careers. Also keep it in mind when you are contemplating revealing a deep secret.

3) 99% of you will perfect the art of procrastination. You will revise at the last minute and rush things that you previously had sufficient time to complete. It may not be to your detriment now and you may get away with it. However this 5-year habit will follow you into adult life and will be near impossible to break.

Procrastinators and lazy folk are destined for mediocrity. My advice? Do every single piece of homework within 48 hours of receiving it. I can assure you that if you can do this for 5 years straight it is highly unlikely you will end up a failure. The most successful people often are those who work the hardest and smartest.

You know that kid that claims they never revise yet always comes top of the class? They're a liar. Another lesson, people lie.

4) You will quickly discover that the most popular individuals aren’t necessarily the kindest people; in fact they are often quite the opposite. They will be one of three things. Incredibly talented, incredibly good looking or simply have an older sibling that has used their good looks/talent to ensure their juniors siblings passage is an easy one. That is life. Unfortunately nepotism and favouritism towards the pretty/talented is what we do. Don’t be disheartened and attempt to become part of the most popular clique. Conformity (another art we perfect in school) is destructive. In ten years time you will realise that the prettiest girl isn’t actually that pretty (you were all just that awkward) and even the most talented boy couldn’t make the Premiership.

5) You will have a sex education lesson. Government senselessness means the class will be void of a normative content. My only piece of advice is to never use sex to affirm who you are.

6) You will come across a few good teachers and many appalling teachers. Some of these appalling teachers will also be horrid individuals. They may choose to be horrid to you. Be grateful to this teacher as they are unknowingly helping you. If you can manage to flourish under corrupt authority, not only will you gain strength of character but your experience will hopefully ensure you never inflict such on another. There is no long-term value in being the teacher’s pet.

7) The world is run by people who aren’t that smart. They simply have the ability to make enough people believe that they’re smart (that’s why lesson 1 is so important). They are people with ‘style and no substance’. However if you have no style you’ll never get to the top and if you lack substance you’ll never stay at the top. In the next 5 years you have the perfect opportunity to learn how to blend both……at the governments expense.

8) For the final two years of your secondary school education you will profess your hatred for this institution. And you will probably mean it. However 10 years from now, the probability is you will hate your office more than you could ever hate your school building. Your boss, more than you will ever hate your teachers. And will probably hate your life a lot more. The only difference is now you’re being paid to hate yourself. So try and enjoy this experience as much as you can. At least you don’t have to pay taxes.

9) You will probably fall in love. It is better to leave your childhood sweetheart, in your childhood.

10) Many of you have been told you should make all your mistakes when you’re young. Nonsense. Life expectancy is now 80+. This means you could conceivably spend 65+ years paying for the idiocy of your teenage years. Have fun but stay smart.

Peace, Love and Biff and Kipper

xxx

The 'One'

Sometimes dreams and whimsical intentions diffuse from the minds of those out of touch with reality and embed themselves in the common consciousness. Sometimes it reaches the point that these thoughts become so pervasive people take them as a truism.

So now everyone believes that they’re entitled to happiness, destined to be the next Barrack Obama and deserve to be rich.

Folly.

However there is one new age belief that is so annoying and patronising, I have decided to rant about it. The concept of the ‘one’.

Apparently for each every one of us there is one person in the world that was pre-destined to be our life partner. Therefore we should all wait patiently for that fateful day, when we finally meet and stay together forever.

Despite the fact millions have married the ‘one’ and promptly got divorced we persist on holding on to the dream. In fact, many of you reading this firmly believe you’re currently in a relationship with the ‘one’. Yes they probably are ‘the one’. The one person who bothered to do a bit of cost/benefit analysis and realised that sticking around makes more sense than the futile dating game.

My view. The ‘one’ doesn’t exist. There are 6 billion souls on this wretched universe. How on earth does it add up that there is only one person that is the ‘perfect fit’? Why not 2 or 3 or 9 people? But I guess the ‘two’ or the ‘three’ doesn’t have the same ring to it as ‘How to meet the two’ would be a difficult book to market to desperate women. I digress.

The ‘one’ is the same as saying there are only one pair of shoes/trainers that will ever be able to fit and you may have to wait 15-25 years before you find them. Heaven forbid.

Am I saying picking a life partner is akin to buying a pair of shoes? Pretty much.

You see a pair of shoes in the shop window and are instantly attracted to them.
(Lust at first sight)

What do you do? Ask for your size. If they look good on you, you buy them and take them home.
(First date)

Some get home, decide they don’t like the shoes that much, so they return them.
(The serial dater with commitment issues)

Anyone that knows anything about shoes will be fully aware that spinning around in the shop mirror for 3 minutes will never suffice. Nor will wearing them around the house, imagining you’re out. You have to wear them to an occasion for approximately 6 hours.
(The equivalent of the first month of a relationship)

By the end of the 6 hours you’re in excruciating pain as breaking into shoes is agony. (Relationship growing pains)

Some of you retire home early and swear never to wear the shoes again
(The short-lived relationship)

The tenacious ones survive the ‘breaking in’ period and wear the shoes for a few months or even a few years.
(Serious relationship)

Others come to despise the shoes but also love them. So you keep wearing them. They’re faithful, stylish rather than trendy and you can’t be bothered to buy another pair. So you re-heel them constantly even though they’re old and tired.
(Marriage)

That’s it. Finding the ‘one’ is simply a glorified and extended shoe purchase.

And if that doesn’t convince you……

Have you noticed people often find the ‘one’ after being in a damaging relationship with an absolute devil? It’s got nothing to do with destiny. It’s simply because they decided to stop trying to find someone who fits their criteria and selected someone who ticks the one box that matters. Reliability. But no one likes to admit they settled so most wedding ceremonies are occasions where people pretend they didn’t marry their second choice.

On the other hand, the concept of the ‘one’ is a method people (well women really, but I’m trying to be inclusive) use to console themselves that something better will come along. Well it probably won’t. Especially if you believe the universe is going to drop ‘Mr/Mrs Right’ on your lap.

But let me tell you about the ‘one’ that really exists. The ‘one’ that 99.9% of adults will encounter.

Most people will fall deeply in ‘love’ with someone and not end up spending their life with them. That is the person they make all their mistakes with and have the most intense, passionate, indescribable relationship with that no one else will ever be able to comprehend. This individual inevitably breaks their heart. Now when they leave the troll, love is supplanted with hatred, indifference or pity.

That person is the ‘one’. After them, we love more cautiously, with less freedom and crucially with an ounce of wisdom. They teach us that life will never be a musical. And even if there is a happy ending, the journey getting there is full of complications.


My point. Life hinges on choice. Fatalism is for losers. Stop worrying about whether the ‘one’ will come your way and concentrate on bettering the one person you can count on.

Yourself.

Peace, Love and July

xxx

The Friend Ranking System

Discovering a former friend is actually a python in human form can be a distressing experience. I’m not trying to get Dr Phil on you, but it does hurt, the kind of hurt that scars the soul. But it’s not the hurt I’m concerned with, the South London in me means I don’t dwell on such.

Sidebar- I am actually in the process of writing a rant which posits the theory that children raised in South London (in particular the boroughs of Lambeth, Wandsworth and Southwark) due to the intersection of unique factors found nowhere else, work within a completely different set of paradigms from the rest of mankind. We are such unique specimens our behaviour is often interpreted as irrational or worst still erratic. My bias aside, I conclude that contrary to general consensus residents of South London are in fact brilliant. Unfortunately our brilliance extends to criminal behaviour.

What I do care about is your business being ‘all up in the atmosphere’.

There is nothing worse than realising a friend has divulged to the world and his deranged wife, your personal affairs. No one (not even the swine that invented velour) deserves their deepest secrets to become information available for mass consumption.

I have the solution.

Well not the solution, but a manageable, workable alternative.

The real solution is having no friends at all which is a miserable existence. As much as bad friends (I know an oxymoron) cause us much pain and hurt, finding a real friend is one of those priceless experiences that makes worthwhile. So if in the journey of meaningless, contrived, pseudo friendships we encounter 20 devilish trolls and only manage to come away with 2 real friends, I know it doesn’t make mathematical sense, but those 2 friends are worth every disappointment and physical assault charge.

Anyway back to my solution.

Now I know this will irk the socialists among you and disgust those who believe humans are innately good, but the rest of you may come to see I am on to something.

Note: -This is in no way endorsing treating friends badly. Everybody (whether we like them or not) deserves a basic level of respect. On the other hand, though I respect you, it doesn’t mean I trust you. Respect is a basic human right whilst trust must be earned.


The Friendship Maxim: We must never regard or treat our friends equally.


Each and every one of us must come to realise that like our 5 fingers, none of our friends are equal; therefore we must rank them accordingly. Think of it as a ‘friend ranking system’. This means that not all of our friends should be privy to all the inner workings of our lives or reap the benefits of being on the ‘A list’. Yes ranking people isn’t nice but I can assure you there is infinite utility in this callous and rather crude system.

I don’t have the time to conceptualise the system for you, but it doesn’t take much to come up with a ranking system that works and should sieve out the rats.
I will say, that if you do choose to rank your friends, you mustn’t gauge them by superficial factors like thier looks or how much money they have. If you pick your friends on such baseless features, you deserve all that comes your way.

The only things that must be taken into consideration are their character traits/virtues. Honesty, integrity, kindness, discipline, humour…...you get my drift. The weight you place on each factor is your call, it really comes down to personal preference.

Conceive a friendship hierarchy and respect it.

You will soon discover that…….

D List friends must never be privy to highly confidential information.

Some friends should never be allowed to come to your home.

Some (after passing the mandatory probation period) may be allowed to briefly meet your parents.

Others are people you only take pictures with for public show (Facebook is the best platform for friendship propaganda).

Indeed if we engaged our minds and used the strictest definition of friendship, there would be no need to filter friends via a ranking system. In reality no one has any more than 6 friends. Why 6? Because it’s bigger than 5 and smaller than 7. No seriously, I’m just trying to demonstrate that true friends are few and far between. Unfortunately we’re all obsessed with external validation and have a need for company. So until the end of time many of you will be burnt like a perm, by so called friends. The ranking system is a method to ensure there are fewer ‘leaks’ or letdowns.

I’m sure many of you will be appalled, as Brits are obsessed with egalitarianism. I actually love this country’s commitment to the ‘common good’, but all these ideals floating around have dire consequences when it comes to reality.

Let me be clear. Equality of opportunity is common sense. Equality under the law is necessary. Equality of outcome, the devils work.

Equality of friends? Complete and utter nonsense.

So get ranking , it’ll save you a whole heap of grief.

Peace, Love and My mum thinks this blog is husband repellent

xxx

When it's ok-ish to cheat....

Now I am in no way advocating or condoning cheating. I believe cheating is completely deplorable and the height of cowardice. In my imaginary authoritarian democracy (I know an oxymoron) of which I am the head of state, first time cheaters are forced to pay an increased rate of tax whilst routine offenders have ‘cheat’ branded on their forehead.

So I’m not saying cheating can ever be justified, but in some circumstances it’s not that it’s right, but it’s ok-ish. In other words the cheater may be wrong, but I understand.

When it’s ok-ish to cheat

1) If you’re dealing with stolen property

If a person pursues and seduces (I don’t really believe in seduction I’m just using the term to be sensationalist) an individual despite the knowledge that they are attached, if after ‘stealing’ someone else’s partner they end up in a relationship, I think it’s ok if they are cheated on. No actually I think it serves them right. Home wreckers deserve everything that comes their way, including being cheated on themselves.

Screw it I hope both individuals get abducted by aliens and transported to a planet where they can’t breathe, can’t die, need to go the toilet but their urethras have been eternally blocked.

2) If they were a cheat when you met them/they constantly cheat and you ‘stick by them’

If you knowingly marry a thief and they steal from you, you don’t deserve any sympathy.

Just like if you marry a drug dealer and they start getting high on their own supply, you have no right to request that taxpayer’s money is used to fund their spell in rehab

It follows that if you get into a relationship with someone that is a known philanderer, if they cheat on you, you don’t have a right to complain.

If you’re on of those people with a self-destructive streak who always finds themselves in a relationship where you’re playing ‘superhero’ e.g. trying to save some hapless individual from the path of destruction, chaotic relationships are what you do. Indeed you find your partner more appealing, because they’re known for cheating.

On the other hand you may be the idealistic type who always sees the good in people. So you believed that they had ‘changed’ and since ‘everyone deserves a second chance’, you decided to play Mother Teresa and rehabilitate the doomed. It’s always comforting (and slightly bemusing) to meet people who have such faith in humanity.Indeed people can change, because everyone has the capacity to change. However in reality, people rarely change that much.

So if you’re with someone who is a known cheat or have stayed with someone who has cheated on multiple occasions, being with them is co-signing their antics. Their behaviour is not justified, but I do understand when they cheat on you. The only thing that has deterred me from slashing my exes tyres is the fact that it a criminal offence that could land me in prison. What am I saying? The only real deterrence for humans doing plain bullshit/other stupid selfish acts is the threat of punishment. Therefore if there is no consequence for disgraceful behaviour there is no impetus to change. So if someone continually cheats but their partner sticks around, it’s not right, but you can’t really blame the cheat, can you?

3) If the other person is an idiot

The idiot – an individual void of substance and merit.

I know it’s not the PC thing to say but some people are idiots. In my lifetime I have met nearly every type of idiot. I’ve met the democratically elected idiot (politicians), celebrity idiot, God ordained idiot (televangelists) you name it and I’ve met them. I’m sure you’ve met a few yourselves.

So if you happen to be in a relationship with an idiot it either means you’re an idiot yourself or very unfortunate. Since you’re reading my blog I’ll take it as the latter. Therefore if you cheat on an idiot…it’s not justified, but from the bottom of my heart, I do understand.

4) If they cheated first

Yes I know we’re adults and tit for tat behaviour is reserved for children. However if we all examine our childhoods carefully we realise that everything, (especially the social hierarchy in the school playground) was a precursor to the folly that occurs in adult life. The only difference is we’re taller, the playground is the office and now we get paid to be spoken down to.

So it follows, if someone cheated first, I don’t necessarily agree with the decision to ‘cheat back’, but I understand. Furthermore as you're both cheats it means if you decide to make a ‘fresh start’ (like all couples do when both parties have pondered and realised they can’t do any better) at least neither party will be able to occupy the moral high ground in future conflicts.

5) If they undergo a radical transformation

If when you met a woman she had dreadlocks, wore a headscarf, burns incense and 3 years later she has a 20” blonde weave, wears green contact lenses and believes Beyonce’s stage costumes are suitable attire for a wedding, it is likely you will view her ‘makeover’ in a negative light.

Or if when you first met your partner they cited Trotsky as their hero but now they believe that David Cameron is competent enough to be prime minister, it is unlikely you will be happy with their shift from the far left to senselessness on the political spectrum.

If after persistent requests for the individual to revert to their original self and they continuously refuse, if their partner decides to cheat, yes I know it’s not justified, but I empathise.

Peace, Love and Jazmine Sullivan


xxx

20 steps to less drama in 2009

I’m back! Happy New Year! As you all may have gathered I was indeed among Philistines. No internet access for my entire holiday. Absolute agony. I did consider punching myself in the neck to divert my attention away from the nagging pain I felt in the pit of my heart due to the lack of wireless, but I resisted. Anyway! Enough of my hyperbole. Let’s rant!

This year I will turn 22. Ironically, the older I get, the drama I am privy to and at times enveloped in, has become more juvenile in content. The characters involved may legally be considered adults, but they seem to have the IQ’s of mentally impaired baby gerbils. Frankly I’m sick of it. Let’s all (myself included) pull our socks up. Stop all the petty ‘beef’ or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. 2009 must be the year where we all avoid idiotic conflicts that take up time that could be better spent elsewhere.

Unfortunately many of us know people who deliberately engineer drama for the sake of it. I wish I had the power to deport such souls to some far away vicinity where the indigenous people have a thing for cannibalism. Unfortunately I lack that authority. But what I do have is this blog.

So I will do my bit for the universe and help us all avoid plain stupidity occurring in 2009.

Our Resolutions…

1) If a group of friends organise an excursion everyone will endeavour to be on time. The friend that is prone to violence will be left at home until they realise 2009 is the year to leave your blasted fists in your pocket.

2) Friends will refrain from gossiping about each other. Issues will be confronted face to face in a civil manner. If a mediator is required I will lend my services for a small fee.

3) If your friend gets a new job, please wait until they settle into their new place of work before you request a discount. Moreover do not be offended if they refuse to authorise your discount if the first time you called them in months was with the sole aim of discount exploitation.

4) Please do not speak of a legitimate ‘discount hook up’ that is more than three persons removed from you. There is no point getting the cliques hopes up then falling at the final hurdle.

5) Do not use Facebook status updates as a tool to insult your ex, enemies or work colleagues. For those that use updates as a ‘cry for help’, please just stop. You’re right ‘no one cares’.

6) We will all attempt to finally leave Crackbook and find a new social networking site where we can fish for compliments and pry on people we couldn’t care less about.

7) It is a woman’s constitutional right to wear her hair as she pleases. However, do not blame your unemployment on the recession if your weave contains more colours than a pack of Skittles. If you don’t do it for yourself do it for the kids. Weave responsibility in 2009.

8) We will all do our best to eradicate all our ‘links’, ‘Semi-Hater/Free Rider’ friends, flakes and other people who bring nothing but negative energy.

9) Black people will not make Obama’s job any harder than it is going to be and white people will not use Obama as the final proof that ‘racism no longer exists’. Apologies for the crude racial divide, but for this resolution, I felt it was necessary.

10) Whatever the new clothing trend is, we will all first acknowledge our body structure and make a critical decision as to whether that item will suit us. If it doesn’t we will resist wearing unflattering apparel in the quest to fit in.

11) Focus will shift from man bashing to calling out the growing number of females prone to bouts of senselessness.

12) There is a recession. Nando’s/ ‘let me invite you to dinner but not pay for you even though it’s my occasion’ birthday parties will be a thing of the past. We will cook our own chicken, buy Perri Perri sauce from the supermarket and act like it’s 1998 again when we were content having parties in our houses*.

13) If you’re invited to an ‘event’ by a friend e.g. a moneymaking scheme cloaked as a party, you are that person’s guest. Guests deserve to be on the guest list. It’s simple logic. If someone deems you unworthy of their guest list, their event is unworthy of your presence. Let’s put an end to these pseudo-entrepreneurs making money off our backs with their shoddy raves. No guest list, no show.

14) Waist belts will only be worn to accentuate the waist or create the illusion of having one. Not to separate over spilling bosom from a falling gut. Or make a dreadful outfit semi-dreadful.

15) If any media outlet has the audacity to blame hip-hop (rather than parents or the perpetrators) for gun/knife crime we will boycott it until they issue a retraction.

16) We will campaign for Maury Pauvich and/or Jeremy Kyle to be made an integral part of the school curriculum to demonstrate to these feral children what the future holds for them if they refuse to take heed.

17) We won’t patronise celebrity neo-colonialists who attempt to ‘Save Africa’ or ‘Save the Planet’ via some propagandist show veiled as an all-star charity fundraising gig. Instead we will all try and actively contribute to being the change we want to see.

18) Let’s readjust and correct our spending practices. They will never make planned obsolescence strategies illegal. However what we can do is cut the profit margins of these corporate devils that deliberately sell us goods that will fall apart. Let’s all live within our means. Call me elitist but I’m sick of seeing men driving Land Cruiser’s when they don’t own any land..…….

19) We will try and restore a sense of respect in our society. Let’s make good manners the ultimate fashion statement.

20) I will endeavour to be more positive





Peace, Love and HAPPY NEW YEAR

xxx


* For my American readers Nando’s is like IHOP. Difference, it only serves grilled chicken and there’s no need for tips. You have to get your cutlery yourself. I kid you not.