Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Out of his control




Happy Wednesday,

This blog was supposed to be posted a lot earlier, however if you follow me on Twitter you will be aware that I literally got home at 5.30 in the morning. Currently it feels like a bunch of drunken fairies are holding a funky rave in my skull. * Pops ibuprofen *

A few days ago I got an email, that intrigued me so much I began to write a lengthy reply straight away.

Sidebar: Straight away = 2 days later

My laptop is about as reliable as the national airline of a third world state.Mid-way through my reply she crashed.I honestly believe my laptop (actually all electronic devices) has some sort of personal problem with me. The glorified piece of plastic vexed me so greatly, I contemplated writing a blog post about ‘The Apple Macintosh’s Superiority Myth’. However over the summer , I started watching conspiracy DVD’s. After watching a few DVD’s I started visiting those conspiracy websites that people with wild imaginations (and undiagnosed mild schizophrenia), set up for the ‘greater good’. Although I’ve concluded that most of the conspiracy theories contain as much veracity as a full head of weave, you can never be too careful. I’m really not trying to beef with Steve Jobs.

I digress.

Back to the email! Let me break it down in a few points

1) Twenty something year old man
2) He’s single
3) In his words he has ‘a lot of potential’
4) Sadly, he can never seem to get women’s numbers
5) And if he does get a woman’s number either
a) She’s aesthetically challenged
b) He didn’t want her number that much.


The rather heartbreaking question asked at the end of the email was…

‘Christiana what am I doing wrong?’

Immediately I concluded that either he has

a)Halitosis so severe it’s life-threatening to those exposed to it

b)Offensive body odour

Contrarily there are millions of people with bad breath/bad body odour who are married with kids. Such things aren’t the impediment that (sanitary) people believe them to be.

So I thought….

What is he doing wrong?

A friend of mine (who believes he’s too sexy for a pseudonym) said to me…


‘Christiana there’s nothing to figure out. He’s aiming too high. He’s probably a 4 and on a good day a 5.5. I bet all the women he aims for are 10s. I recommend you tell him to aim lower. Best thing for his self-esteem. Or make a lot of money so his face/personality/poor taste in clothes doesn’t matter….’

After having a debate revolving around the above statement, my friend (grudgingly) came to the conclusion that more money = more problems -→ Exhibit A: Cheetah sorry Tiger Woods.

Money would exacerbate the young fellows problems, not solve them.

Then my friend said….


‘Christiana, unless it’s business I rarely see you handing your number out. But most of the guys that approach you are of a decent calibre. Why do you say no to them?’

So I told him the reasons why I usually choose to keep my eleven digits sacred. After my list we realised that there are specific variables, that if thrown into a situation, make it impossible for a man to get a woman’s number. It doesn’t really matter what a man says or does, because these exogenous factors have the real control of the situation.

So here’s our

Top 10 Factors out of your control, stopping you getting her number


1) She just got out of a relationship
Coming out of a (pretty awful) relationship normally catalyses the ‘anti-men’ phase all women go through at some point. When you approached her you had no idea that her hatred runs so deep she’s contemplating taking up political lesbianism.

2) Her shoes hurt
Never underestimate the power of poorly built stilettos. They have the unique ability to simultaneously destroy the spine, cause feet to bleed and make the things people say sound really annoying.

3) She thinks you’re too nice.
There is a big difference between actually being too nice and a woman having the perception that you are too nice. I had the misfortune of being in the same lift as a woman who just turned down a date because the guy being discussed was too nice. When her friend asked how nice, she said (and I quote) ‘He says please and thank you a lot’.

4) She likes your friend
When you approached her, her heart sank to the pits of her stomach. Unfortunately, she wasn’t staring at you; she was staring at your friend.

5) She recognises your face from Farcebook
There are many people that we feel we know, but don’t actually know because they are always tagged in albums we feel compelled to browse. We browse these albums even though by picture 45 of 121 we think ‘boring’. No one likes to give their number to anyone that they recognise, but they’re not a celebrity. My recommendation: hide all tagged photos.

6) She heard ‘about you’ from people
Most women have at some point met a man and pretended that he’s an absolute stranger. I use the word pretend, because the truth is she knows his entire life story. Even though London’s a big city, somehow we always run into people we’ve heard about. And their character references aren’t glowing.

7) They just played ‘her song’.
Everyone has a song that when played in a club, conversation immediately ceases. You’ll drop your drink, rush out the toilet and even return to a club if you hear ‘your song’.

You + Your song = Straight to the dancefloor

If you’re speaking to her and they play ‘her song’, it’s pretty difficult to approach her again, rebuild your rapport and then get her number.

8) Her friend saw you first and said she liked you
Every clique has a female member who always manages to spot good-looking men first and (pre-emptively) verbally express her interest to her friends. It's a classic power move that women that only hang around with women use.

If this has occurred, the codes and conventions of female friendship mean she must kindly decline to take your number.

9) You remind her of her ex
It’s not your fault you bear the facial characteristics/personality traits of someone that once made her cry daily. Life’s unfair.

10) She just doesn’t want to give it to you

Peace, Love and QG


P.S It’s highly unlikely that our mailer is so unlucky that he always finds himself in such a predicament. We suspect that he needs to work on his game or find some way of stopping his palms sweat so much.

Sidebar: There is a definite link between having really sweaty palms and poor game. I have absolutely no evidence supporting my theory. However I’m sure eventually a suspect university will do a study and it’ll get published in The Independent.

1 comment:

  1. well of course there's a link! u dnt need an article of suspect uni X's study in the independent to tell u that :D
    First of all, sweaty palms r unnatractive to normal pple looking at them n they also make their owner anxious, and anxiety doesn't exactly = smoothness of game>>>~summary of my abstract of study titled: 'high anxiety equals poor game'---special thanks to:...Person X...Christiana Ama...lecturer Y....

    There's probably nothing wrong with your friend. Some pple r just unlucky n there's nothing they can do abt it (out of his control as u say). The unlikeliest of pple find their 'soulmates', so there's hope...but if he doesn't think so, there's always objectophilia---objects dnt have a choice :)

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