Let's all get along.....

“Technically I can’t stand the bitch but I put up with her just because I have too”

The above statement is what an associate of mine said to me regarding her best friend. Her best friend! Bar this woman’s blatant disregard for the sanctity of friendship she is what I would ordinarily describe as a nice girl. Consequently I was rather taken aback by her statement.

I went to an all girls convent school, so I more than get the complexities of female friendships. Women often have issues with other women because they have issues with themselves. And the issues with themselves were often caused by other women. It’s a vicious circle/chicken- egg scenario and since I’ve never been able to figure out issues of causality, I’m not going to attempt to hit this issue at its core. I'm on my way out....and you guessed it....I'm running late!

All I know is that female self-hatred has resulted in a situation where your average female clique, is essentially a bunch of women getting therapy from women who also need therapy and don't like each other. Bad news.

Following my conversation with the 'best friend hater' I took a jog down memory lane and began recollecting all my failed friendships. As I began to think carefully, I spotted common personality traits running through all the women who had once been part of my life. In fact I realised these women could all be slotted into categories and the worst type of women managed to occupy multiple categories simultaneously.

For example….

a) The serial liar.
b) The woman who’s always copying somebody.
c) The woman who suddenly becomes miserable to get attention.
d) The woman who always has something negative to say about someone else’s boyfriend.
e) The hyper drama queen .
f) The woman who hates men.
g) The woman who abandons her friends whenever she gets a boyfriend.
h) The woman who tries to overcome her insecurity by being mean about others

Sidebar: There are so many categories of women I would have to create new letters of the alphabet to list them all. So I thought I’d stop at h just because I could. * shrugs *

Women in categories a-h are people that I would rather simultaneously have root canal, a bikini wax, botox injected in my armpits and my hair relaxed , than stay friends with.

However I’ve decided to use the latter phase of twenty o nine to deal with my trust issues concerning the female gender. As Gandhi (or someone else who was a pacifist, but is now dead and great) said (I’m paraphrasing shoddily)

“ If you want to see change, be the change you want to see”

Or in the words of my (frank) parents ……

‘ Miss Mbakwe, you’re the problem, not them’.

As it’s my fault (rather than the fault of women who need a few sessions on Oprah’s couch) that the average life span of my friendships with female is about 22 months and 75% of my male friends don’t trust (most) women I decided to write down the things I could do to increase the life expectancy of my next friendship.

And since this blog is officially my second favourite therapeutic outlet, I figured I might as well put my ideas on the world wide.


1) Never ever tell a woman someone else’s secret

2) Unless you’re at least 75% sure of her character and have heard at 5 (solid) references from her long term friends, do not introduce a woman to your family/friends.

3) Never engage in a conversation where you speak derogatorily about anyone. Especially with a woman that has a broadcasting power that equals CNN.

4) If she does not ask, do not offer your opinion.
Since I was born giving my opinion, this is a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. Unless someone specifically asks for your input refrain from giving it. Unfortunately not everyone can handle the truth and some people would much rather pretend they’re living an urban fairytale. So let them.

5) Do not lend anything that you can’t afford to lose.

6) Don’t argue when angry.
Don’t say a thing! Staple your lips if necessary.

7) Never ignore your gut instinct. If you have a feeling that she’s not a good friend/girlfriend she probably isn’t.

8) Do not argue with someone simply because your female friend has a grievance with them. Like British government discovered post-Iraq, you will also learn it’s a bad idea to assist people in conflicts that don't concern you.

9) Always call/text/facebook back, as soon as you can.

10) If you upload a picture of a woman on Facebook and she detags it, take that as your cue to delete it.

11) Always attempt to resuscitate a waning friendship if you believe it is worth saving. But if the other party is resistant, don't spend precious time arguing about how great a friend you were, instead spend that energy appreciating the (sane) friends you do have.

12) Women + Alcohol + Confessions = About as wise as having a bath with your toaster. Ergo, don't do it.

13) Always remember most friendship's are ephemeral, few will be eternal.


Peace, Love and ‘Buy Out Da Bar’

I’d like to send my love and prayers to the family and friends of Carl Beatson aka Charmz who was cruelly taken from this world in an act of senseless violence. I know many of his friends, all of whom are deeply saddened by his death. I pray that his death will not be in vain and the light he radiated in life, shines brighter in his death.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

Rest in Peace.