I recently had a discussion with Bag Lady and a friend of ours named X and we were discussing the fact that countless women believe there are no good men left.
In the course of that conversation we managed to ascertain a number of crucial things about the apparent good men crisis.
- There is no universal authority/definition by which we can measure good men against. In fact the whole notion of a good man is relative to the perspective of the females around him. For Danielle a good man may be a man who cheats less than he used to, only hits her when he’s drunk but always pays the bills. Whilst for Sally a good man may be a guy who can buy her Gucci and attends church regularly. The good men parameters are so wide the very concept of a good man is entirely redundant.
- Our pedantic preoccupation with definitions aside, we all know good men exist. However there's a recession and women are no longer dumping men for trivial reasons. As such the apparent good men crisis is being exacerbated by the economic crisis and like the housing market the good man market is crashing. Women are holding on harder to their men and good men who are single are aware that the fiscal costs of a relationship means they’re better off alone.
- Both good and bad women hound good men. In fact the quest to find (trap) a good man, will often turn an otherwise good woman very nasty. The level of digustiness that women reduce themselves in order to get a good man, it’s no wonder why some women believe that good men no longer exist. It’s because they're busy hiding away from crazy women!
Suddenly X made an incredibly powerful and profound statement. In fact it was so deep we didn’t speak over him for the next 3 seconds. And if you know Bag Lady and I personally, you will be aware that is an incredible achievement
SideBar: X is the friend that everyone thought was stupid until you started to listening to what they said and watching what they did. And then everyone realised that they’re not only smart but quite dangerous. Despite this when X has his ‘smart moments’ we’re all still shocked because we still forget his IQ isn’t negative.
X said and I quote
"It’s not that there aren't any good men. It's just that good men often do bad things, and women wrongly believe they’re bad men”
* Can we please have a moment of silence? *
Now as we processed that statement, we asked X to explain himself properly and here is an abridged version of his argument…
- Society has created a role for men, that most men can't match as they lack the capacity to do so. Men have never had a revolution akin to the feminist revolution where they could question the unrealistic expectations that women place on them. These unrealistic expectations are compounded by the fact that many women don’t support their men, because they don’t realise men need support.
- There are millions of men trying to be good men but they fail daily because they don’t have magazines, Oprah and family members teaching them how to handle the opposite sex. Women get this advice daily from about the age of 12.
- Therefore many men fail at being good men because it’s the equivalent of making a blind man do an eye test.
At this point we completely agreed with everything X had said. X then proceeded to give us various examples of how good men are incorrectly framed as bad men because women fail to understand the idiosyncrasies of the male gender.
For example if a man doesn’t call a woman back, it’s often interpreted as an act of spite. Yet X argues unless a man is a man bitch, the spite gene is absent from his DNA. The truth is most men just don’t like talking on the phone for excessive periods of time.
The only reason a man would willingly speak on the phone for hours is if it’s at the inception of a relationship. This is because all men are aware that unless you’re dealing with a less discerning woman (he used the word hoe), you’re going to have to put in some phone conversation time to get to your desired outcome.
But then X put his foot in it by saying…
‘A good man could cheat on his woman, it wouldn’t make him a bad man'
At this point we were completely appalled/disgusted/unsurprised so we asked X to justify himself. His argument followed the typical ‘men don’t associate sex with emotions like women do’, ‘sex for men is just not that deep’, ‘just because he cheated on her doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her’ line.
In response to his vacuous justification Bag Lady asked….
‘If your girlfriend cheated on you, would she still be a good woman?’
X replied
‘The way girls are raised means and the way women are means that women that cheat are either conniving social deviants or too damaged to even bother with. A lot of men that cheat do so because they’re good but weak. Women that cheat are being evil.’
At this point I realised there was no point continuing the conversation as X had decided that his sole aim in life was to wind us up and be an ignoramus. However what bothered me most was that despite some questionable views X is what I would still call a good guy. He holds down a job, loves his mum, pays his taxes, if he has a girlfriend she’s fed/watered sufficiently and he would probably help a stray cat.
.
So we turned to X and asked…
How bad have things got that the good guy bar is so low, specimens like you are considered good guys?
Furthermore where on earth did we go wrong and who do we blame?
Is it women for allowing good guy to get away with bad guy behaviour simply because they were good guys?
Or good guys aware of the fact they were rare commodities and so they took advantage of their good guy status?
We couldn’t solve this one.
What say you?
Peace, Love and Houses
xxx
great blog, really great blog. I identify with it. I'd like to think of myself as a good man but then like X said, I sometimes do bad things. My exes would probably describe me as a bad guy, but that's not really the point, it seems that to be viewed as a good man you have to be perfect. but perfection is impossible to get to.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I'd say that men and women are equally to blame in all of this. Most men aren't prepared to allow their girlfriends to believe they're something they're not. So when the truth comes out it makes them out to be bad guys. on the flipside most women wouldn't get with the dude if he was upfront in the first place. So what's a man to do?
I could go on about this subject forever. keep ranting.
First off. I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!
ReplyDeleteX= Is out of order so wrong. If you cheat you're a bad man, bottom line.
Who's to blame? Women, they put up with such fooolishness if they just put their foot down there would be less madness going around. I also disagree with X on this point men are spiteful to!!!!!
Me and my friends are hooked on your blog and we often have convos about what you wrote! funnily enough we spoke about this the other day. There is a crisis of good men but as you guys pointed out women aren't really helping themselves out in the matter. What I'd really like is to read you and Henpecked rant about the whole 'men can love a woman but cheat' issue. I've heard this line so many times a few of my friends believe it to be true and are with men that often cheat on them.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is right, those women who say "oh there arent any good men" are the ones who always turn down a good man!!! These woman do not want a good man, nor deserves one!
ReplyDeleteThese are the women who continuously go out with thugged out hood rats who cant contrstruct a full sentance together, but because they're "bad" they find that attractive.
There are good men out there, and good women find them, those who don't just arent looking hard enough.
bonkers.
"He holds down a job, loves his mum, pays his taxes, if he has a girlfriend she’s fed/watered sufficiently and he would probably help a stray cat."...LOL at the definition of a good man.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree that the man who cheats may not necesarily be evil but may be a good but weak man. Not always easy for women to accept but often true, in my humble opinion.
I agree with Wendelyn and X on the whole good men cheat but are just weak. Men are different from women and I'm starting to belive that for them monogamy is very difficult. Not that it's impossible but very hard.
ReplyDeleteTo Bonkers I will say there are many women who don't like hood rats but just can't find a good man and they're looking really hard as well!
Lena no way, good men walk down the street everyday, I see it. I see the way women work and operate, they don't give a second glance at the maybe average looking guy, but when that dude with the what you call it "Swagger" they get all heated up and excited.
ReplyDeleteThose are the women who cheated on because they go for dudes that are or were players thinking they can change them. These are women who always scream "fuck all men", "men are bastards" yap yap yap I don't care.
As a woman I will tell you you've missed the point. At a certain age women aren't looking for swagger cos they know it's overrated, they just want someone decent. But as Christiana said in her rant 'good guys aware of the fact they were rare commodities and so they took advantage of their good guy status'. There's no incentive for good guys to stay that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm also rather curious as to how a man sees good men everyday. Please show them to me and my friends! lol!
Well I guess if your talking about like older women then that does apply. And yea I know what you mean, I know a few good guys turned bad myself.
ReplyDeleteYou can just tell when you look at someone it's obvious, it's like when you look at women, you can tell between the stuck up bitches and the good women.
This blog was very interesting. I think it is fair to say that good men can do bad things, but I think it is important to realise when a once good man has completed the transition to a bad man.
ReplyDeleteJust because a man comes out as above average does not make him a good man. Coming out above average makes you 'relatively good' which can still mean 'objectively bad'. What women need to do is to establish an objective standard of 'good' to measure men against, as opposed to comparing them to the rest of their failing peers. This way we will stop accepting men who do bad things just because they aren't 'quite as bad as the rest...'
Also, 'relatively good men' can be weak and cheat...but I don't want a weak man in that regard...I want a good man...and good men have the capacity to control their supposedly 'uncontrollable urges'.
Once again you've managed to capture my attention and fully engage me in another rant. I completely agree with Mr Bonkers, there are plenty of good men out there, but im pretty sure that Christiana has mentioned in one of her rants that due to the realisation that in comparison to women, good men are rare, they've upped their criteria of women to date, or aren't looking for a relationship, period. But nevertheless good men still do exist its just harder to snag one.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with those who mentioned that good men that cheat are weak men. However, once a man cheats, just because he is weak doesn't mean his actions are excusable. Personally, if I were in a situation where my partner, bf, lover, call it what you may, cheated on me this would trigger the spiteful syndrome that most women have. Don't get mad, get even. Although many females chose to forgive their men without making them realise the implications of their actions.
In saying that however I haven't been in a situation that has had to warrant me use the spiteful syndrome as an excuse to get even. However, once a man cheats it signifies that he has obviously taken for granted his girl, and regardless whether or not sex and emotions go hand in hand, for a man not to feel remorse or any form on guilt is completely wrong and just proves he was never a good man at all, just a man who painted himself as good.
Well thats all i have to say for now =)
p.s. Still waiting for the Roal Dahl series continuation
Well,
ReplyDeleteSimple fact: Men are effort averse.
For a man to be a good man, one of two things must happen. Both is preferable.
1. He decides that because of respect for God and/or his mother he will maintain a high level of effort even when it is not deserved/needed. (Chivalry)
2. He falls for a girl who makes him bring out his A-game. (Ladies respecting themselves).
Now as you can see the breakdown is both the fault of men and women. Men feel less of a need to put in effort where its not needed especially when there's "money to be making" and women no longer need our help.
Secondly, there are a decreasing number of girls who are worth bettering yourself for. Ladies, you know that feeling you get when you really love a new item of clothing you just purchased; but then you find out your friend got it on sale? Yeah, that's how most guys feel when they're interested but find out you've had a one night stand before.
So explain to a guy why he should bother putting effort in with one female who keeps saying she would sleep with Morris Chestnut just because of who he is. Surely it makes sense to his narrowed mind to just get rich and famous so you can sleep with all the women you want. Right?
If the bad guys are getting with, and having more sex with both good and bad girls alike, what incentive is there for a guy to be a good guy?
Hello everyone I thought I'd step in here and give my twopence!
ReplyDeleteRight first and foremost 'The Good Men' Crisis is in no way a myth, I can testify, that bar my father, uncles and certain friends, the landscape for good men isn't something to get excited about.
However! I will agree with Bonkers and Ola in saying that unfortunately many women have their priorities skewed and would rather get with someone on a superficial basis and miss out on decent men. Furthermore at the risk of seeming anti-women, the number of women who have absolutely no decorum nowadays is frightening. I'm not trying to turn this into a moral debate, but in their quickness to drop their knickers, despite not knowing a guys surname, some women aren't helping themselves.
Anon 21.25 hit the nail on the head when they wrote 'What women need to do is to establish an objective standard of 'good' to measure men against, as opposed to comparing them to the rest of their failing peers'. Unfortunately many women (and men) forget that.
I'm hearing what Wendyln and Lena are saying about 'good men being weak men' however I will have to side with Ruth and say this is not a justification for nonsense. We all have flaws, the point is to overcome them and not use them as leavrage when we fall short of the expectations people have of us. In my eyes cheating (like lying) is completely inexcusable and as my best friend and I always say 'if you want to cheat on me, LEAVE ME first'!
And Ruth, my sincere apologies, I will get my act together and finish the Roald Dahl series!
Christiana
xxx
i just stumbled on your blog via a friend's facebook and i have to say it is well thought out and the views you express are not only articulate but show that thought and reasoning go into your writing. very good job!!!
ReplyDeletei loved this article