How to tell if a man's full of (insert expletitive)

So this is part deux of the last rant. If you didn’t read it click here for background.

Now I'm always reluctant to do these types of rants because:

a) This is not and will never be a blog exclusively for women.

b) I don't want to come across as a man basher. If you placed a gun to my head and told me to survive that I had to pick one gender to spend the rest of my existence with I would pick men. In a heartbeat. Some call it self-hatred; I call it preserving my sanity.

Now the men amongst you may be wondering what you'll gain from reading this rant. Well firstly you can strive to be the antithesis. Secondly, you can spend a few moments feeling smug about not being full of scheisse. And finally you can press forward and email this to your sister, mum, grandma, female friends, cousins, exes, that girl you're thinking about doing but not sure because of her lazy eye (you get my drift). Make like Tesco. Every little helps.

Unlike the last rant, my experiences (combined with those of my friends) mean I can legitimately claim that I am an authority on spotting men that are full of scheisse. Technically I should be a man hater. Fortunately a series of devilish suitors aren't combined with "absent dad" issues. My dad happens to be one of my favourite people in the world (love you Guvna!).

Yeah I said it!

Absent/neglectful father + series of evil ex boyfriends = Man Hater

Now I’m not saying all man haters have absent fathers and evil ex-boyfriends. There are some women who choose to hate men because they can. However it is a fact of life that if a father engages in his daughter’s life and makes her feel she is a beautiful when it matters most, it cuts the chances of her growing up into a bitter woman by at least 50%. If you don't agree, I'm contemplating setting up a complaints department, so in due course you will be able to vent to your hearts content.

After a lengthy discussion with my friends where we reminisced about our worst experiences, we somehow managed to condense the signs a man is full of scheisse down to following…..

3 Signs that a man is full of scheisse

1) The Disconnect

If there is a permanent disconnect between a man’s statements and actions. If he persistently says one thing and does another. If he justifies his contradictory behavior by claiming despite his constant failings it’s his intentions that matter. He is full of scheisse.

This may sound harsh but forget intentions, focus on outcomes. If you got shot in the face you wouldn't care that the sniper intended to shoot the girl next to you. Intentions are great but if a man screws up on a regular basis, they are wholly irrelevant.

Men that have perfected the art of pretending they aren’t full of that German word I love to say but I’m sick of copying and pasting always say….

"I'm just having a bad year"/ I'm just in a really bad place at the moment"

Now I'm not denying this could indeed be the case. But! If a man has been in the same bad year since 2004 and stuck in the same bad place since 2005, that is not bad luck. That is bad decision making.


2) He's never been in love or claims he doesn't want to be in love

Any man over the age of 22, that claims they have never been in love, like not even a LITTLE bit... is full of scheisse. That's like a woman claiming she's never been to the hairdresser. Weird and tragic.

My issue with men who claim they have never been in love or don't desire to be in love is this. Love a dog, love a cat, love your wretched XBOX but don't say you've loved nothing at all.

3) His best friend

The saying is "show me your friends and I'll show you who you are", my motto is "show me his best friend and that's who he is". Men aren't like women who have a best friend who is their complete opposite or similar in an opposite way. A man’s best friend is almost always just like him. So if his best friend is full of scheisse the probability is he is to.


And there it is.

Peace, Love and Pancakes

xxx


P.S I'm in no way making a value judgement on the Chris Brown/Rihanna fiasco, I just thought his photograph would be the most appropriate image since he is the new face of Ike Turner clothing.