Daughter. Sister. Friend. Believer. Warrior. Writer. Voracious reader. Shoe Lover. Car Accident Survivor. Quasi philosopher. Prone to circumlocution. Beyonce stan. Retired cynic. On a quest to make a dent in the universe. Impossible to summarise in a few words.
Since Henpecked’s girlfriend has put him under house arrest I thought I’d let you meet our best friend Pac-Man. In order for you guys not to judge Pac-Man too harshly you must understand a number of things about him.
1)Pac-Man was an absolutely hideous child/adolescent and was teased mercilessly by everyone around him (Henpecked was the ringleader, I followed). Due to being rejected by his social milieu he found solace in video games. As a result Pac-Man now believes all the greatest lessons in life are contained in video games.
2)Pac-Man is living evidence that with enough prayer, hard work and a gym membership, it is possible to transform oneself from being the boy that girls would cry if they discovered he fancied them, into a man that has to “beat unscrupulous she-devils off with a stick” (his words not mine).
3)Pac-Man doesn’t trust women.
Last night Pac-Man was reading my blog and came across the ‘What Women Want’ rant. He then proceeded to call me, demanding to know why I had started writing feminist propaganda that was “empowering crazy women ” (female readers please don’t take it personally, Pac-Man believes all women are crazy).
According to Pac-Man there are numerous things that men want to tell women but because they can’t be bothered to deal with the ‘verbal backlash, tears and shit’ they choose to dump them and move on to a woman who causes them less stress. In Pac-Man’s case this usually equates to moving on with a woman with a lower IQ but bigger breasts.
So we decided to write a rant outlining the things men want to tell women but don’t. Considering the last time I used Pac-Man as counsel the core of his advice revolved around a DOOM episode, I’m not sure if he is the wisest source for such a rant. Regardless, I’m sure the men will appreciate his brutal honesty and all women can benefit from his insight.
Things men want to tell women but don’t
Lesson 1: Do not go on about your ex-boyfriends
According to Pac-Man ‘every single time a woman adds another ex to the long list of men who have broken her heart, I like her less because there’s probably a valid reason they all did her wrong”
Although I disagree with Pac-Man’s logic (there are some women who are unlucky in love), I will admit there is nothing more tiring than stumbling across a woman who insists on going on about how many men have ‘done her wrong’.
It’s not in a woman’s favour to make her ex’s the focal point of her conversation or the yardstick by which judges her current boyfriend.
Or in other words….
“As long as she hasn’t experimented with any animals and she’s STI free, I really couldn’t care less’
Lesson 2: Stop (over) thinking about the future
It is common knowledge that most women are the high priestesses of over-analysing and over-thinking things that aren’t that important. As a result many women work themselves into a frenzy about things they can’t change. And when a woman can’t control something….she starts an argument.
It follows that if the ‘over-thinking type’ woman simply stopped wondering about the ‘future’ and focused on the present, she would argue with her boyfriend less and end up happier.
Lesson 3: You are not my mum
Since this particular lesson is a personal revelation I thought it would work better if I simply if I quote Pac-Man verbatim.
“Do you know how many women I’ve met that believe that my relationship with my mother is an indication of how I’ll treat them in the future. What arrogant (beeps). My mumsie gave me life of course I’m gonna treat her like a queen. ”
In more polite words, what Pac-Man trying to say is the myth that women can somehow extrapolate the quality of a relationship they will have with their boyfriend by watching his relationship with his mother is false. Most men place their mother in a category that no woman will ever be able to compete with. So if you’re measuring yourself against his mum, prepare to be disappointed.
Lesson 4: Stop trying to figure me out
Last time I tried to get Pac-Man to help me psycho-analyse a man I liked he said the following….
“Miss Opinionated, let me break something down for you real quick. In my life I have met many women who torture themselves trying to figure men out. But I ain't met one that's figured out how to get dressed in 15 minutes flat. If you can't even figure out how to dress yourself quick, why are you bothering trying to figure out your man?"