Daughter. Sister. Friend. Believer. Warrior. Writer. Voracious reader. Shoe Lover. Car Accident Survivor. Quasi philosopher. Prone to circumlocution. Beyonce stan. Retired cynic. On a quest to make a dent in the universe. Impossible to summarise in a few words.
I’m back! Happy New Year! As you all may have gathered I was indeed among Philistines. No internet access for my entire holiday. Absolute agony. I did consider punching myself in the neck to divert my attention away from the nagging pain I felt in the pit of my heart due to the lack of wireless, but I resisted. Anyway! Enough of my hyperbole. Let’s rant!
This year I will turn 22. Ironically, the older I get, the drama I am privy to and at times enveloped in, has become more juvenile in content. The characters involved may legally be considered adults, but they seem to have the IQ’s of mentally impaired baby gerbils. Frankly I’m sick of it. Let’s all (myself included) pull our socks up. Stop all the petty ‘beef’ or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. 2009 must be the year where we all avoid idiotic conflicts that take up time that could be better spent elsewhere.
Unfortunately many of us know people who deliberately engineer drama for the sake of it. I wish I had the power to deport such souls to some far away vicinity where the indigenous people have a thing for cannibalism. Unfortunately I lack that authority. But what I do have is this blog.
So I will do my bit for the universe and help us all avoid plain stupidity occurring in 2009.
1) If a group of friends organise an excursion everyone will endeavour to be on time. The friend that is prone to violence will be left at home until they realise 2009 is the year to leave your blasted fists in your pocket.
2) Friends will refrain from gossiping about each other. Issues will be confronted face to face in a civil manner. If a mediator is required I will lend my services for a small fee.
3) If your friend gets a new job, please wait until they settle into their new place of work before you request a discount. Moreover do not be offended if they refuse to authorise your discount if the first time you called them in months was with the sole aim of discount exploitation.
4) Please do not speak of a legitimate ‘discount hook up’ that is more than three persons removed from you. There is no point getting the cliques hopes up then falling at the final hurdle.
5) Do not use Facebook status updates as a tool to insult your ex, enemies or work colleagues. For those that use updates as a ‘cry for help’, please just stop. You’re right ‘no one cares’.
6) We will all attempt to finally leave Crackbook and find a new social networking site where we can fish for compliments and pry on people we couldn’t care less about.
7) It is a woman’s constitutional right to wear her hair as she pleases. However, do not blame your unemployment on the recession if your weave contains more colours than a pack of Skittles. If you don’t do it for yourself do it for the kids. Weave responsibility in 2009.
9) Black people will not make Obama’s job any harder than it is going to be and white people will not use Obama as the final proof that ‘racism no longer exists’. Apologies for the crude racial divide, but for this resolution, I felt it was necessary.
10) Whatever the new clothing trend is, we will all first acknowledge our body structure and make a critical decision as to whether that item will suit us. If it doesn’t we will resist wearing unflattering apparel in the quest to fit in.
11) Focus will shift from man bashing to calling out the growing number of females prone to bouts of senselessness.
12) There is a recession. Nando’s/ ‘let me invite you to dinner but not pay for you even though it’s my occasion’ birthday parties will be a thing of the past. We will cook our own chicken, buy Perri Perri sauce from the supermarket and act like it’s 1998 again when we were content having parties in our houses*.
13) If you’re invited to an ‘event’ by a friend e.g. a moneymaking scheme cloaked as a party, you are that person’s guest. Guests deserve to be on the guest list. It’s simple logic. If someone deems you unworthy of their guest list, their event is unworthy of your presence. Let’s put an end to these pseudo-entrepreneurs making money off our backs with their shoddy raves. No guest list, no show.
14) Waist belts will only be worn to accentuate the waist or create the illusion of having one. Not to separate over spilling bosom from a falling gut. Or make a dreadful outfit semi-dreadful.
15) If any media outlet has the audacity to blame hip-hop (rather than parents or the perpetrators) for gun/knife crime we will boycott it until they issue a retraction.
16) We will campaign for Maury Pauvich and/or Jeremy Kyle to be made an integral part of the school curriculum to demonstrate to these feral children what the future holds for them if they refuse to take heed.
17) We won’t patronise celebrity neo-colonialists who attempt to ‘Save Africa’ or ‘Save the Planet’ via some propagandist show veiled as an all-star charity fundraising gig. Instead we will all try and actively contribute to being the change we want to see.
18) Let’s readjust and correct our spending practices. They will never make planned obsolescence strategies illegal. However what we can do is cut the profit margins of these corporate devils that deliberately sell us goods that will fall apart. Let’s all live within our means. Call me elitist but I’m sick of seeing men driving Land Cruiser’s when they don’t own any land..…….
19) We will try and restore a sense of respect in our society. Let’s make good manners the ultimate fashion statement.
20) I will endeavour to be more positive
Peace, Love and HAPPY NEW YEAR
* For my American readers Nando’s is like IHOP. Difference, it only serves grilled chicken and there’s no need for tips. You have to get your cutlery yourself. I kid you not.