He Woke You Up This Morning....

I’m on a blog hiatus till the New Year so I’ll keep this brief.

I was ‘raised’ around church folks. Every Sunday in an atmosphere where people clap, cried, screamed, prayed, fainted, bellowed and sang all in adoration of a force that seems so far away yet in those moments tinged with emotional hysteria it could feel like he was staring right at you, daring you not to do the same.

Anyone exposed to institutionalised religion will undoubtedly understand that it can tinge your perceptions and leave you slightly jaded. However as I’ve grown I’ve realised that our perceptions of God are relative to how we see him.

So now some of us doubt his existence.

Some believe he is encompassed within the Universe itself and as a result truth is found within intuitive universal law.

And others choose to acknowledge a creator but not adhere to any particular religion.

The beauty of life is choice.

However let me indulge you with a phrase that rings from my childhood.

‘He woke you up this morning’.

“He woke you up this morning” is a phrase that is said from pulpits every single Sunday all around the world. A reminder that life is fragile and to be here is a privilege not a right. The idea the threads of our lives are in the hands of a benign creator who in his loving kindness has allowed us to see another day. An axiom used to provoke gratitude.

Some of you will despise me referencing to God as a ‘he’ arguing it is reflective of the inherent sexism in all religions. This is not a forum for me to defend any type of theology or religion. Theology is the attempt of fallible humans to understand a being, which by very definition is impossible to define. Beyond that if God is who people says he is, his truth and power radiates beyond the rituals religious authorities use to be push their own agendas.

So I don’t bother.

But,

Although we all have different beliefs and we are all on our own paths.

We should all take a moment,

A moment to acknowledge that there is something holding all of this together.

Even amidst the recession and a world increasingly characterised by conflict, schism and division.There is something that keeps us going, believing, hoping, daring and enabling us to live another day.

Indeed when we look at it carefully, contrary to what ‘they’ suggest, all of us

Black, White, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Gay, Straight and Not to Sure…

Have more in common that the petty issues we allow to drive us apart.

All of us,

Theist, atheists, agnostic,

Will admit the fabric of our lives isn’t really held by us, but the beautiful people, families and friends who make it worth living.

Those people are a gift.

And if for a moment we examined the superficial, baseless ‘issues’ we allow to consume us

We will realise that the ‘gift’ we are already in possession of, is all that really matters.

So whatever kind of 2008 you had.

For the past 365 days, you woke up.

You’re still here.

You may have lost someone and some things on the way.

But you’re still here.

That alone is something to be grateful for.

I hope you have an amazing 2009.

Love always

Christiana xxx

Resolutions

If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else
Yogi Berra

Around 5 years ago I decided that new year resolutions were a waste of time. A waste of time because people never kept them and nothing magical occurs when we move from one year to another. However in rebelling against what I believed to be a meaningless social tradition, I lost more than I gained.

New years resolutions have value. But only if we understand that they aren’t an end in themselves, but they act as a bridge. They link the past, the present and act as the necessary stepping-stones towards who we eventually want to be.

‘I resolve to give up smoking in 2009’

Will never suffice.

However writing…..

‘I resolve to give up smoking in 2009 because my five year habit has crippled my finances, made me a slave to nicotine and been to the detriment of my health. If I do give up in 2009 it means not only do I save myself £x per year but it cuts the damage I have done to my health and demonstrates that I have more self-control than I thought. If I don’t give up smoking I could possibly die from lung cancer and will continue diverting my finances to a futile self-destructive habit. Furthermore I will undoubtedly age prematurely and have to spend excessive amounts on botox’

By the way apologies to the smokers it’s not personal the above paragraph is actually about my hip-destructive love affair with a man named Cake. Wherever you see smoking insert cake, nicotine is sugar, lung cancer is obesity and botox is liposuction.

The crux of both resolutions is the same, but one places the resolution in the context of your life. It’s not a disconnected lofty idea but cements the resolution into your reality and shows what will happen if you make the choice to fail. You may be wondering why I’m in ‘life coach’ mode. Well I’m currently sticking pictures and quotes on my inspiration board (ironic for someone who detests self-help) and I thought instead of being typically cynical and annoyed about issues that don’t concern me, I’d write something……well hopefully inspiring.

I think there is something incredibly powerful about visualising what we might be, determining that is what we will be and setting things in place to make that happen. Then as we act in accordance with our aim we watch our intentions manifest . It’s like magic except there are no shortcuts or deceit. In the years I stopped making and keeping ‘resolutions’ I deprived myself of discovering how my resolve could transform my existence. The point is if we don’t resolve at the start of every year, every month and every single day to achieve something we will allow our lives to lack direction and our destines will inevitably be void of focus and substance. Yes I know I’m veering into Obamaesque rhetoric, but it doesn’t reduce what I’m saying.

One of my best friends and I have endless conversations about the meaning of life and how we should ‘run the race’. The main point of tension in our discussions is this. She believes we should all be allowed to run the race how we choose, and no matter how we finish we gain purpose by 'living'. Whereas I think what should be paramount is that we make sure we ‘win’ the race in spite of what life throws at us. I despise people who don’t live life to win. When I speak of ‘winning’ it’s not because your competing with everyone around you, the moment you start racing others, you will get off track because we all have our own unique path. Meaning is found when we realise that we are our own opponents and each day is a constant battle to surpass self. The race isn’t about speed or even talent it’s about being relentless and grasping what once seemed out of my reach.That’s why I can’t tolerate people satisfied with mediocrity. What on earth is the point of settling with what you know you can attain with ease?

That’s why I like resolutions. They challenge us to be the people we would like to be.

So as we all stand on the brink of 2009. I challenge us all (myself included) to venture into the universe of possibility and dazzle the heck out of the haters. Work hard, hustle smarter, determine to succeed and do everything within our power to win. Above all let’s never stop dreaming. Remember, success is inevitable when failure ceases to be an option.

Anyway! I’m off on holiday and I have no idea if the villa we’re renting has wireless. If it doesn’t I do fear I’ll have a heart attack. So pray that when I flip open Sydney Angel ( the name of my darling laptop on which I type on my ‘rants’) there is AirPort signal.

In case I can’t steal the neighbours wireless, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and New Year filled with your wildest dreams and fulfilled expectations.

So I’ll see you (well not see you really) in the New Year. Unless my holiday destination has indigenous folk that are all idiots. Then I will find an internet café and rant.

I would also like to take the time to say a massive thank you to all of you who read my blog, spread the word and have caused a mass of opportunities to come my way. Because of you 2009 is looking manic (in the greatest way possible), so thank you.


Peace, Love and Charles Hamilton

xxx

P.S I track my figures obsessively so I know how many of you come on this site so……… COMMENT!!!! LOL

Women should 'break up' like men

In my 21 years I have never met a man that has allowed a ‘break-up’ cloud his vision and focus so much that he has done ANY of the following:

Preamble:-In aid of shaving 15 minutes off my next therapy session I will admit that numbers 5 and 6 were my fortes in time gone past.

1)Loose/gain a tremendous amount of weight
2)Listen to the same song repeatedly whilst crying in the dark*
3)Leave the country for an extended period
4)Lock themselves in a room and refuse to come out
5)Promise never to call the ‘ex’ again yet always do the exact opposite
6)Burn things
7)Claim at the start of every day ‘no today, really I’m over him’ yet still manage to burst into tears at random intervals
8)Return/throw away gifts*
9)Write a break-up song/poem or make their Facebook status a cry for help
10)Do all of the above yet still pine after the person who is the source of their misery and be willing to take them back at the drop of a hat.


Never, in my life have I met a man that has done any of these acts of madness. But I meet a woman who has done at least one of the above, every single day. Perhaps it’s because a man would never be willing to admit it but I suspect it’s because such men just don’t exist.

I refuse to believe in any fatalistic scientific theory that claims oestrogen renders me unable to have some sense of pride or behave with decorum during a break-up. It’s not nature it’s nurture. Men are reared to treat break-ups in a transactional manner so they recover quicker and act smarter.

On the other hand, from about age of 14 most women will enter the vicious of cycle of unnecessarily dramatic break-ups because they believe it’s the thing to be done. I blame Hollywood. Perverse romantic comedies and teen movies constantly push the agenda that it’s part of a woman’s rite of passage to act like a bawling buffoon during a break-up.

Women all over the world have bought into the ‘break-up routine’ and assist each other in the futile process. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll meet Mr Right just when you least expect’ they say. No you won’t because ‘Mr Right’ doesn’t exist. ‘Mr Right’ is a concept constructed by money hungry new-age publishing companies to sell books to hapless women. He’s like Santa Claus, you can wait by the fireplace all you want but he’s not going to turn up. What does exist is ‘Mr Almost Right’ but Mr Right is about as tangible as a genie.

I’m not writing this rant because I despise my gender to be honest I dislike both genders equally. I simply believe, in the realm of dealing with a break-up, men have got it right. I’m not belittling the fact that break-up’s can be ‘traumatic’ but let’s keep things in perspective. No one has died or lost a limb, so women should stop acting like it.

You see I have never met a man who by not doing 1-9 has been any worse off. Yet I have met countless women who have done 1-9 for so long they’ve got stuck in a rut and become jaded man- haters. So in the short term doing 1-9 may feel cathartic but in the long term it’s potentially damaging.

To the women that insist on allowing a man (who ironically is usually completely undeserving of their affection) to drive them half crazy, I have formulated a rule regarding your ‘getting over him’ period. For every month you were together you are allowed a single day of madness/mourning. So if you were together 6 months, that’s 6 days. If you were together 25 years then he ran off with the young secretary you have 300 days and an extra day of grace which I call the cleansing day, when you can burn all his clothes.

Someday I hope to have children and I pray my little girls have a good head on their shoulders and don’t make the silly mistakes that their mum and her friends made whilst growing up. I would love to raise girls who brushed the dirt of their shoulders and forgot their exes because they know they’re Queens and can do much better. Moreover I would love them to value themselves so much they never settled for less in the first place.

But if that can’t happen, I just hope that they can be like men. Pretend they don’t care and then move on.

Peace, Love and ‘Robocop'

xxx





* Ladies this behaviour grieves me the most. Please never throw away or return gifts because you split up, even if he broke up your engagement the day before the wedding. One word. EBay.

3 relationship types bound to fail!

I don’t know how to write this without coming across smug, arrogant or both.
But! I can always spot relationships bound to fail. Well 95% of the time anyway.
I realised I had this gift at around age 6.

My parents are Nigerian and attend church. Now if you know anything about either demographic you will be aware that both groups love weddings. Church folk often get married in an awfully rushed manner to avoid fornicating and other sexual deeds that they fear will lead to eternal damnation. Nigerians on the other hand don’t really need an occasion for a celebration. Nigerian weddings are simply a forum where anyone (60% of guests at Nigerian weddings are technically gate crashers) can eat an obscene amount of food at the expense of the bride’s family who normally suffer from delusions of grandeur.

I’ve been to more weddings than the average person to the power of 10. I’ve seen Tope marry Monisola, Will marry Grace and Leroy marry Lydia. Since the age of 6, I have played a perverse game with self and made predictions on how long these marriages will last. 95% of the time I have been right.

I have now realised there are 3 types of relationships that are bound to fail.

Take heed!


1)Rebellious Relationships

They’re chalk and cheese. Nothing alike and so diametrically opposed to each other you wonder how their paths crossed. When asked ‘what on earth do you see in each other?’ they respond ‘opposites attract’.

What a load of nonsense. We don’t like people different from us, we like people similar to us but who manifest their similarities in different ways. The opposite of me is not someone I want to be with, it’s someone I dislike. That’s because I like how I live and arrogantly believe that I’m getting it right. If you don’t think the same about your lifestyle this means you don’t like how you live and you think you’re getting it wrong e.g. you’re irrational and self destructive.

So it follows, if your value system is the anti-thesis of everything your partner stands for. You’re union is doomed. The funny thing about these ‘rebellious relationships’ is that the people involved know it’s on the road to nowhere, but because everyone around them warned that they were making a mistake they persist in projecting the façade of happiness. That’s why I call them ‘rebellious relationships’ their rooted in pride and ‘proving people wrong’ when really everyone else is right.

Rebellion is overrated. If you’re in a rebellious relationship, you have two options.
1)Keep on smiling and suffering with someone you wish would evaporate
2)Find someone that actually suits you and isn’t a social statement.


2)We’re sooooooo in love

I’ve always had an inherent suspicion of any couple that needs to constantly remind me about how in love they are. Firstly, I don’t really care how in love you are with your partner because that won’t pay my phone bill and secondly I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. When people are really in love, we don’t need to be told, we can tell. Real love is one of those wonderful emotions that when we are so privileged to behold it, we can’t help but marvel at the power it has to make people radiate happiness. If it’s real love you won’t need to say it, I’ll see it.

The truth is, couples that need to affirm their undying commitment to each other at every chance they get, are usually miserable. Or one of them is having an affair. I’ve never studied psychology so I can’t formulate a convincing theory into why they do it (their insecure) but trust me on this one. How many times have you heard about the couple ‘so in love’ but somehow managed to split? Yes I know too many to count.

So to the couple on Facebook with the contrived profile picture, pushing the acceptable limits of PDA (yawns). I’ll play along.

3)The Maid/Waiter

This is the only couple type I actually feel some feel some pity for, well the victim anyway. Ever seen a couple where one waits on the other hand and foot? Or one seems terrified of the other? Or one takes great pleasure in smugly putting the other down in public? Of course you have because we humans are cruel.

Some people are bullies. Not only do they like to dominate but they have this sense of entitlement where they’re on a pedal stool and we live in servitude. For some reason these people manage to get into relationships.

Now here’s the funny thing, according to trashy women’s magazines women are often the victims in these relationships. But I’ve only seen more relationships where women talk down to men and treat them like crap. Maybe it’s a new social phenomenon, women deliberately finding men they know they can dominate. Or maybe I know too many crazy black women….yeah I said it!

Anyway! These relationships normally fail, not because the victim gains a sudden sense of self-worth (don’t get it twisted such men actually enjoy being emasculated) but the men in question just get bored.

Peace, Love and HarperCollins

xxx

Please Just Stop!

THINGS THAT NEED TO STOP!



1. Over-sized or Under-Sized apparel

I don’t want to see your boxers neither do I need to know you're wearing a red G- string. I know decencies overrated in this day and age and call me a prude but there is something rather vile about putting your undergarments on public display. Let's all strive to purchase clothes that fit.

2. Street Dance Redemptive Movies

I call this the curse of ‘Save the Last Dance’. Ever since that film came out every year we are tormented by at least two movies that demonstrates the redemptive power of street dance for black youths (or youths that are surrounded by so many black people so much they count themselves as black).

Frankly I’ve had enough of being tormented by television adverts promoting a film that only has unnecessarily extravagant choreography to overshadow dreadful acting.

Memo to Hollywood directors most black people ‘save their lives’ like everyone else, through a freaking education and hard work. Not pirouetting in bandannas.


3. Men wearing make-up

I can tolerate a man who grooms excessively. However! A man wearing ‘guy liner’ or concealer makes me feel uncomfortable. If that makes me hyper-metro sexual phobic, then so be it.

The only exception to my discomfort is if it’s for professional purposes e.g. you're a drag queen, clown, mediocre TV presenter with horrendous skin or an actor. I was born a Thatcherite so if your job depends on you wearing make-up, you have my full support.

4. Breaking up "virtually"

Breaking up with someone via any recent technological innovation that actually makes our lives unbearable rather than easier (text, email, Facebook) is completely uncouth. Some things should be done face to face. Let’s restore some sense of respect and rid our generation of cowardice.

I will make an exception if your ex cheated or did you wrong. This website is for you.

www.liarscheatsandbastards.com

5. Laughing at jokes that aren't funny

I recently attended a comedy show where I didn’t laugh at a single joke. Then I realised the sudden explosion of comedians in name rather than substance is a reflection of the fact we're all a bunch sycophants that laugh at everything.

Therefore some people (usually men who already have egomaniacal tendencies) believe they’re so much funnier than the rest of us they must bless the world with their ‘gift’.

To rid the world of hysterically awful comics and spare me from anymore dire comedy shows, if you’re in the presence of a person that tells a joke and it isn’t funny, please don't laugh. Grimace.

6. Tagging unattractive photos of people on Facebook

I don’t know what it is, but the more time people spend on Facebook the less intelligent they become. Or perhaps Facebook isn’t the ‘causal factor’ its that people who spend excessive time on Facebook are likely to be less intelligent in the first place. Screw it! I haven’t got the energy to articulate this theory properly.

Let me explain something that many of you haven’t managed to figure out. If I de-tag a photo on Facebook it means I dislike it. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s beautiful, I dislike it and if it is an image of me, I think I have some right to say what should be done with it.

Some of you aren't bright enough to realise that if I de-tag a photograph I want the image banished from cyberspace completely. Due to watching cartoons and playing video games instead of reading books many of us struggle with processing information that requires real thought. So I’ll put this in a way you can remember.

I detag, you delete.

7.Long Voicemails

Name, reason for phone call, level of urgency and a contact number. That is the voicemail etiquette and all I really need to know.

Don't leave me your life story. I really don't care. More to the point, T Mobile shafted me in my upgrade so I no longer have free voicemail. Keep it short or I will press ‘7’.

8.Littering

If you throw rubbish on the floor you're a lazy, selfish Philistine. Nothing more, nothing less. If you stick chewing gum beneath chairs, I wish I had the right to deport you to a totalitarian state where you lose limbs for such idiocy.

9.Splitting the Bill and there's an obese alcoholic at the table

I refuse to "split the bill" at a restaurant if you ate twice as much as me and drank like a horse at a stream. I don’t care if it’s the thing to be done; there is nothing egalitarian about me covering a cost I didn’t incur, that is an injustice.

I know many of you can testify of having to pay £50 for a meal when your spending reached £15. This has got to stop.

Next time you go out with anyone and they expect you to pay for their gluttonous behavior, this is all you have to do. Just before the bill arrives, claim you forgot to switch your car lights off, pick up your belongings and go home.

10. ???

I haven’t got anything else. What do you guys think? What needs to stop?!



Peace, Love and Thursdays Rock!

xxx

Never tell a third party!

So you’re friends then all of a sudden, out of nowhere the dynamic changes. Perhaps they call less, can’t look you in the eye or start ignoring your phone calls. For those of you like myself who believe confrontation (not retreat) solves problems you will approach the individual. They deny there’s a problem and proceed to reel off a list of implausible excuses. So you’ve come to the end of the road (*sung*) and your ex-friend doesn’t see fit to explain to you the real reason why they’re cutting you off.

Now I’m an adult (I used to claim I was twenteen, that statement is a huge step), I am aware that 85% of friendships are ephemeral. I think there would be less petty ‘friendship/relationship’ conflict if the world accepted that most people that come into our lives are intended for a season. Very few people are meant to be around for your lifetime. If someone wants to get rid of you, let them go. Let me stop philosophising, philosophy is for old men afraid of hard work.

So! Recently a ‘friend’ cut me off, told the world and his loose mistress but conveniently forgot to let me know. One of the cornerstones of our botched system is freedom of expression so that was their right. However let me tell you why if you have an issue with someone you should exercise the freedom not to express it to the masses!

3 reasons why should only express your ‘beef’ with the person you have ‘beef’ with!

1)People are idiots

Have you ever been in the process of telling a story but halfway realised the story isn’t as entertaining as you thought, so you embellish it ever so slightly? Of course you have. That’s what we humans do, we sensationalise things we shouldn’t and ignore the things we should sensationalise. That’s why when civil unrest broke out in Congo the British press thought that a story about two of the most overrated comedians in British history prank calling a pensioner was more worthy of media coverage. We humans are idiots.

Therefore when you express your issue with a person to a third party, they will tell someone else who will also tell someone else. Along this chain there will be an even bigger idiot than either of us. They will sensationalise the story to its utmost and eventually it will get back to the person you should have gone to first. Then you will have a bigger issue than what you started with.

2)You’re not perfect

I’m yet to meet a person that is 50% perfect. Since none of us are even at the half way mark on the journey to human perfection, we should be wary of pointing the finger. Better still, even if the problem apparently lies elsewhere we should still point the finger at ourselves. The middle one at that.

You see after much self-examination I realised that the issues I had with other people actually lay with me. When I changed behaviour, they would cease to act in a manner that annoyed me. All of a sudden there was no ‘issue’. It was like magic, except it wasn’t. It was common sense.

Admittedly this method only works with superficial issues but next time you want to publicly assassinate a ‘friend’s’ character in their absence, examine self first. You may just shut up.


3)Honesty is the best policy

I hate clichés but heck this one is so true… sometimes. Honesty may not be the best policy if you’re life is on the line, in those cases, plead the fifth. But! If you’re bearing a grudge against a friend it’s often better to come clean. If they are a true friend I can guarantee one of three things:

1)They had no idea ‘that’ was the issue
2)It wasn’t intentional
3)They will apologise (even if 1 and 2 aren’t true)

Peace, Love and was ‘2008’ on fast-forward ?
xxx

My 'paranoia' is justified!

I generally don’t take issue with the perverse ideologies the world believes about women. Why? Well I’m a black woman and when ethnicity intersects with race, it gets really complicated. You know the angry black woman stereotype? Well I’m trying not to become that. So I just keep away from nonsense that claims by default of my gender and race I’m socially handicapped.

However! After a conversation with a certain somebody that ended with the phrase ‘Why are you women so paranoid?’ (Hapless man drops phone). I will speak for ‘paranoid’ women all around this wretched universe.

Now when I use the phrase ‘paranoia’ I’m not referring to genuine paranoia that causes mentally ill individuals to crawl up onto their roofs to escape ‘the aliens’. No, paranoia in its loosest (and healthy) sense.

You know….

‘I’m paranoid I’m getting fat’ (Says the skinny girl who couldn’t get fat by accident),

‘I’m paranoid I’m going to lose my job’ (Says the employee who has been stealing office supplies and skiving for the past four years).

That kind of paranoia.

So……

Have you ever been to a restaurant ordered your meal and when it arrived looked around the table and been disappointed by your choice? Furthermore have you started looking at the food on other tables and wanting what’s on their plates?

Or

Have you ever liked what someone else is wearing so much you have gone out and purchased something ‘similar’ a few weeks later?

Better still…

Have you ever liked someone but you only admitted it to yourself when they’ve hooked up with someone else? And did you like them a million times more when you discovered they were unavailable?

I suspect the answer is yes to at least one of the above. What am I saying?

Humans covet. We perpetually desire what others have. Moreover if what another person has is ‘forbidden’ we want it even more. If we were all content Capitalism would cease to exist.

The moment a man becomes attached he becomes ten times more attractive. Fact. This theory even applies to useless men. Watch Maury or any trashy talk show and you will see multiple women who claim they have had a child for a married man who hasn’t even got a job.

The psychology is as there is a shortage of men in general if someone has snapped up a good one and I haven’t found myself one, I’m going to take yours. Not all women think like this, just an increasing number of unscrupulous witches who don’t respect the institution of marriage or have a sense of female solidarity.

Now working from that logic, my ‘paranoia’ is not irrational. It is justified.

Ladies,

If you owned a pair of limited edition Louboutin’s would you take them off at a Thai restaurant? No you wouldn’t. You keep them as close to you as possible and keep a close eye on that broad across the room that has been watching you (and your shoes) all night.

With that in mind, guard your men. We are in hard times. This recession means even ‘independent women’ are looking for a good man who can cover their utilities. Just make sure it’s not yours! I do understand that a man who is going to cheat is a man who is going to cheat. But I also know I would never hand a bottle of Champagne to a recovering alcoholic. Let’s use wisdom.

Men,

If your girlfriend/wife isn’t ‘paranoid’ or is yet to display symptoms of paranoia it is because of one of two reasons:

a)They don’t care about you THAT much
b)They don’t think you’re worth guarding

Simple.

So if we seem paranoid, it’s only because we care.

For all of you women that believe ‘paranoia’ will get you ‘nowhere’ if we had to conceptualise us in international relations terms, you would be a ‘liberal’ and I would be a ‘realist’.

To put that really simply, you believe in diplomacy and negotiating with ‘threats’ until one day they seize your territory. Whereas I invade threats pre-emptively and never negotiate with terrorists.

I destroy them.

Peace, Love and Bring back ‘Daria’.

xxx

The 'Link' Phenomenon

Americans call them elevators……… We call them lifts.

They call them pants…We call them trousers.

They call it gas ……..We call it petrol.

They call it good customer service……….we call it harassment from a sycophant in dead end job.

They call them a ‘jump off’ ……..We call them a ‘link’.


Link (noun)
A person of romantic interest with who you have a mutually beneficial arrangement but they are yet to prove themselves enough to warrant a title of merit.

Or for those of you find my definition just as confusing as the ‘urban terminology’ (note all ‘urban’ references are dripping with sarcasm I despise that term). A link is basically a friend with benefits.

So what’s the difference between linking someone and seeing someone you may be asking?

I don’t know, what’s the difference between lye and no-lye hair relaxer?

And who cares as long as your hair ends up straight?

I’m joking. There is a difference

A link is someone whose company you prefer when the sun sets as you are far too embarrassed to be seen with them during the day. If you’re ‘seeing’ someone you’re in that awkward middle ground that all couples that eventually become ‘official’ occupy for a brief season.

Essentially a ‘link’ is a substitute. The person we egotistical, self-interested humans use to (ahem) fulfill other needs until someone better comes along.
This is not a rant advocating ‘link’/’friends with benefits’ arrangements. Someone always becomes more attached, forgets the terms and conditions of the link contract, begins to crave status and gets hurt. It’s usually the female, but the sudden explosion of men in a permanent emotional state (I’m really sorry but that’s a whole other rant) means this may not always be the case.

I’m not trying to create an ‘Oprah moment’ but I hope you all come to a place of loving yourselves enough not to become anyone’s link. The success rates for ‘link arrangements’ are incredibly low and more importantly in this harsh economic climate neither party would reap the rewards they would have this time last year.

What people don’t realize is that all links (yes I generalised) have this uncanny ability to wriggle their way into your life, take root and grow like weeds.
What’s my point? Well my rants don’t really have some deep eternal purpose, it’s a blog after all…. it’s not that serious.

However after observing a situation where a link became the father of a (very very distant) associate’s child, I concluded that when a links stick around for too long it’s tantamount to buying a TV from a crackhead. You’re asking for trouble.

So I thought I’d do my bit for the universe and help deplete the numbers of dysfunctional ‘link’ offspring causing carnage in a couple decades.

For those of you currently engaged in a link agreement I decided to give you five clear indicators that the contract should be terminated.


Five signs it’s time to get rid of your link!

1) You don’t know ANYTHING about them but they’re ALWAYS with you
2) You know their mobile number off by heart
3) You used to think they were ugly…now they’re beautiful
4) You’re actually starting to like them BUT you don’t want to
5) You’re considering inviting them around for Christmas dinner


My fellow ranters,

To avoid being labelled as a ‘dog’

To circumvent being called a ‘hoe’

To save yourself potential heartache

For my safety

And crucially

To prevent hood rats becoming your baby mothers/fathers…

Break the Link.


Peace, Love and ‘I do this for my culture’


xxx

P.S To my readers across the pond please don’t take the advice too literally. It would be tragic if this rant caused supply to dry up for Maury Pauvich paternity suit episodes.

Think