The Hip-Hop Resurrectors

In 2006, Nassir Jones proclaimed that ‘Hip-Hop is dead’ and I do fear he may have been correct. In recent years, Hip-Hop seems to have lost its way. It’s saying nothing, pushing the same twisted ideals and as a result most artists are shifting ringtones rather than records.There is a difference between Hip-Hop (the art form) and commercial Hip-Hop, its mass-produced and mass-consumed bastard cousin. Unfortunately when the family name is tainted, it diffuses from member to member, irrespective of involvement.

The music industry is built on the following premise. If we can project a fantasy as reality and make enough people buy into it, we’ll make money. Simple. In commercial Hip-Hop the images projected are dark.The drug dealer. The Pimp. The Video Vixen. There is nothing glamorous about these professions, but these negative stereotypes have been pushed to death, with millions buying into and the line between fantasy nd reality becoming increasingly blurred.

As the 'urban music buying public' has become enamored with Hip-Hop culture it seems its life line has become the celebration of misogyny, violence, hyper-sexuality, hyper-masculinity, self-hatred and the glamorisation of otherwise derided professions. Let’s be clear. Hip-Hop is not the cause of these things and does not perpetuate them to the degree segments of the mainstream media would have us believe.However it has become an industry that unashamedly parades social issues that politicians and society at large like to pretend don't exist unless it hits them in the faces. Instead of becoming a vehicle that speaks out against distressing social ills (the role it played in its infant stages), many within the Hip-Hop industry have chosen to pledge their allegiance to Capitalism rather than the communities they claim to represent.


The images of women and in particular women of colour are completely unbalanced. As with most industries, men occupy most stations of power and dictate the status quo. Watch your next music video carefully. Examine and define the relationship between the male and female characters. I can guarantee it will be one that projects male domination and female submission. Personally I'm bewildered as to when it became socially acceptable to have men surrounded by semi-naked women in cages. To all the filth-merchants sorry video directors, who may read this and call me a feminist. I’m not. I just dislike any form of inequality.Anyone with even the slightest knowledge of the historical images of women of colour will know this stereotype finds its roots in slavery and now its somehow found a place in our music videos.

The images of women in TV/Film often fit narrow stereotypes; regardless of race or class, images of ethnic minorities fit into even narrower stereotypes. If she's Latina, she must be a sex siren. If she's Asian, she's good at karate. And if she's black well the likelihood is she's in a Hip-Hop video. So what’s the problem you ask?

Television is an incredibly powerful medium. It not only has the power to affect how we perceive ourselves but how others perceive us. There are people all across the world, whose only exposure to women of colour are from music videos. Their view of what is reality is being influenced by a hypersexual fantasy. Even scarier is the fact that the biggest consumers of Hip-Hop aren't the people it claims to portray.

I do admit there are commercial Hip-Hop artists who make good music. They continue to push the envelope, their creative limits and produce fantastic art with depth and colour. But there are countless others who will probably never gain the recognition they deserve (Producer J Dilla (RIP), Jean Grae, Black Thought) because they do not propagate the twisted ideals that quenches the thirst of the Hip-Hop consumer.

Truth is I have no authority to chastise the commercial Hip-Hop industry, however as a citizen of the earth it is my right to question, challenge and perhaps spark change. So my message to commercial Hip-Hop is this. Find yourself. Revert to what made you the voice of a generation. I'm not asking for censorship, I’m asking for variety.

This is not an attack on rappers, consumers or record company executives. In reality it is impossible to lay a finger of blame. This is a circle of responsibility, each and every one of us has a part to play and therefore is part of the solution and problem. Therefore as I challenge you, I challenge myself.

But first, a message to the brilliant men and women who lay pen to paper and have a voice. Open your minds. There are things going on that the world needs to hear about. Let me give you one word to start. Darfur.

Inspire me. Inspire somebody. For crying out loud inspire yourself!

Then one day, just maybe, we'll look back and tell our children we were the generation that resurrected Hip-Hop.

Peace, love and progress

The Semi-Hater Friend

Every friendship circle has the one person who is the Semi-Hater Friend. They weren't always that way but they've become that way. This particular type of friend is to common to every culture, race, class and gender.

I am so fortunate that I do not have a Semi-Hater Friend. The reasons are twofold. I have no clique and as I have increased in age and stature my tolerance for bullshit has disappeared. However some of you are alot more patient, kind and put up with things I can't.

This goes out to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Soulja boy voice).

My use of the terminology Semi-Hater Friend is key in you understanding this particular specimen. They're not a straight Hater or straight Hater-Friend. Everyone who is doing something of significance with their life has a Hater and/or a Hater-Friend. If you do not, you are officially irrelevant. Make it your goal by the end of this year to become so fabulous that you have at least 10 people that can fit into either of these categories.

The Hater and Hater-Friend is necessary for our personal progression. They keep us on our toes. We keep making movements and they keep hating, fantastic. Most of us are aware of some of our Haters/Hater-Friends. You can never know all your Haters, therefore pay them no mind. Hidden Hater-Friends can be problematic. So we must all pray to whichever God we so choose to worship that they are exposed, soon, before its too late.

The Semi-Hater friend is a more dangerous phenomenon.


The Semi-Hater Friend - Profile

You made friends in secondary school/high school and never drifted apart. Years later the reality is you've outgrown each other but you can't tell them their friendship visa has expired. The only thing keeping you together is your history. The fact that you've outgrown them means there is a constant point of tension in the relationship. They're stuck in the year 2000 whilst your striving towards what you'll be in 2015. Get it?


Before you go out they say things like 'What are you wearing?','Are you sure you want to wear that?', when you tell them a plan that will make you even flyer they always respond 'Mmmmmm I'm not sure. You sure you'll be able to do that'.Always in the most innocent voice possible.

They dislike all your boyfriends/girlfriends.

You know they talk about you, but you haven't gathered enough concrete evidence to confront them.

They secretly fancy your boyfriend/girlfriend

They always seek to be the center of attention.

They always make snide comments.

You gained 4 stones and they didn't blink or say a word.

You bought a car .......they bought a car.

You bought some shoes/trainers.....they bought the same shoes/trainers.

You got shot.........they got shot.... (I'm joking lol!)

However when your just about to break their trifling ass off........they redeem themselves. That's the difference between them and the straight Hater-Friend, those seasons of kindness and them coming through for you when you need them.

Anyway their contradictory borderline schizophrenic behaviour is a reflection of the fact that they like you alot, but hate you secretly. It's not that they necessarily want to be you, it's just they haven't figured themselves out.

You can try talking to a Semi-Hater Friend, but unlike Haters/Hater-Friend they're not officially riding with Team Satan,they've only completed the enrollment form and are waiting to complete training. Therefore when you do speak to them they'll deny everything and have an explanation for every situation. As I said, my bullshit threshold is non-existent. Wish them well and cut them off!

Why cut them off? Well at the risk of sounding slightly new age, do you really want that kind of energy around you? Clean up your friends. If you want to win surround yourself with other winners and people who want you to win. Life's tough enough without having your own friend trying to jack you up.

Furthermore during their seasons of kindness you'll forget their Semi-Hater tendencies, divulge information that makes you vulnerable and Murphy's law dictates that will be the day they completed their training, pick up their AK-47 and aim straight for your back.

If you are the Semi-Hater Friend. I have a word of advice. You have two options. Continue with your quest to bring others down using tacit and devious methods. Or! Start liking yourself, finding what makes you special, change your situation and start collecting you own Haters and Hater-Friends!


Peace, Love and good posture

xxx

P.S I am fully aware that the term Hater-Friend is an oxymoron but life is that twisted.

Amy, Amy, Amy

I despise vocoders, meaningless collaborations and dance breakdowns in music videos.

I find manufactured angst tiresome.

I love real artists with real pain.

I am an Amy Winehouse fan.

A big Amy fan. I bought 'Frank' the moment I heard of her. I played the album till it was scratched. I tried to learn ‘You sent me flying’ on my piano for so long she started screaming ‘LEAVE ME ALONE’ . Anyway you get it, I’m a fan.

It would be very easy to make this post a self-righteous monologue about Amy 'wasting her talent' ,'being a bad example' ' rebellion gone to far' etc. I'm not belittling these perspectives but the fact that I'm writing a post about Amy Winehouse says alot. There are bigger and more frightening issues that actually deserve outrage, condemnation and moral superiority. One word. Darfur.

However let me say may piece and leave you on your merry way.

Amy Winehouse is not the first or last person to have her issues. Let's do a survey. Hands up anyone who knows a girl with an eating disorder? Right that's 50% of you. Hands anyone who knows someone that is a problem drinker/alcoholic but can't admit it? Fantastic 90% of you. Finally, hands up anyone that know people that use drugs for recreational purposes? Right......You get my point.

At the risk of sounding like a pseudo sociologist , Amy Winehouse's life is a mirror of issues that people around the world are wrestling with as I type. Issues that are dismissed, demonised and more often than not ignored. Some people overcome them, others don't. Unfortunately Amy has to work out her issues in front of the free world. I think she deserves a break, don't you?

I have a theory. The best traits in an individual are often linked to the worst thing about them. The gift and the curse. Artistic people are often spontaneous. A great trait, things never get boring, they take risks and create brilliant things. However it often means they're unreliable. A horrible trait if your ever need of their help. It's life, good and bad will always co-exist.
I'm not saying Amy's talent justifies her choices however it helps it make a bit more sense.

What is scary is watching this spiralling process. She's become this cult figure, almost a caricature of herself and it's as if the machine are waiting to martyr her and release 8 albums posthumously. Maybe were all sick for watching. Music's littered with artists who seem just as visible in death as they did in life- Tupuc, Biggie, Kurt Cobain, Elvis the list goes on.

I'm not at all sure how Amy Winehouse's story will end. I'm no prophet. I do sincerely hope it's not marred by tragedy.

So to Amy, get better. I’m not going to judge you, your brave. You wear your pain for all to see, unlike many who hide behind masks.

Love

xxx

Shopping my Golden Rule

First stage - Admittance.

My name is Christiana Ama Mbakwe and I have a problem. I am a shopaholic.

Five reasons which made me realise I may need help.

1) Shop assistants knowing my name.

2) Half a suitcase worth of clothing with tags still on them.

3) On countless occasions being told to open a vintage shop.

4) When being asked where I bought an item, not actually remembering the item in question.

5) Every single person I value has told me that I should seek professional help.

The five reasons why I shall not seek help

1) You can never ever have enough clothes

Let me quickly expand on this point. Clothing is technically not a necessity. The truth is we have become socialised into believing it is a requirement . Furthermore capitalism means we desire variety and surplus even though they do not enhance our standard of living. Therefore any line you set on the 'limit' of clothing is arbitrary. In short, I can never have too many or too few clothes. My, I love capitalism.

2) Life is dull without accessories.

3) My independent research shows shopping increases life expectancy.

4) If I don't shop the credit crunch will be even worse. I'm giving back.

5) Christiana's Golden Rule

'If your rate of spending is below your income and you always match your rate of consumption with an equal/double level of saving and/or investment. You may shop yourself to the ground'

Isn't that the perfect blend of prudence and indulgence? I have just given you the keys to financial freedom and the liberty to shop as you please. And I've charged at least $5,000 less than Robert Kiyosaki. If you don't follow this rule and shop as recklessly as I do your future is not orange but red. Frivolous debt is not a good look.

Never ever buy clothing on credit cards. Clothing can never really be an investment. I like to look at it as a visually appealing sunk cost. If you purchase on credit, your making a loss. The value gained from that item will never ever match the interest you have to re-pay. By the way if you have a store card, cut it up.

Shoppers of the world unite!! Shop all you want, IF you follow the golden rule.

Love

xxx

How to deal with bigots

I couldn't have put it any better myself. Therefore no further comment is necessary!

2008 the year the Summer anthem died

I realised something today. 2008 has no summer anthem. That ubiquitous song you have a love-hate relationship with. It's played on every radio station, at every club and on 8 music channels at the same time. By September it makes you sick but when you hear it in years to come you sing along as it takes you to a place that you thought you'd forgotten.

In 2007, we had Rhianna's 'Umbrella' (genius) and Sean Kingston 'Beautiful Girls' (which made me want to slit my wrists).

In 2006 Cassie's 'Me & U' proved with autotune and a gorgeous face all things are possible. Justin also brought 'Sexy Back' .

In 2005 the Pussycat Doll's brought whoring back with 'Dont Cha' .

In 2004 Fat Joe decided to finally start exercising and made us 'Lean Back'.

In 2003 there were 3. Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love', Outkast's 'Hey Ya' and another frightful vocal but this time they didn't even bother to tune it, Lumidee's 'Never Leave You'.

I'll admit Ne-yo's 'Closer' is a pop masterpiece but it hasn't been a smash has it?

In 2008 we have nothing. This is undeniable proof that Jesus is coming. Soon.

Introducing.........VV Brown!

Singer, songwriter, musician and producer VV Brown is coming to a screen near you. I'm not even going to attempt label her sound. It's far too complex and the truth is she really can't be pigeonholed. However. Here's my music thought experiment.


Imagine if Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu had a girl. She grows up and runs off with the round dude from Gnarls Barkley. On their travels they bump into Kate Nash, decide to tweak her sound and do it properly. Reckless living takes it toll, they have a quick spell in rehab and run into Amy (I said it was a quick spell). They fund their lifestyle busking and only listen to Ruth Brown and Ella Fitzgerald. Eventually she would have undoubtedly become VV Brown.

Definitely one to watch for 2009. Absolutely genius. If I was you, I'd try and catch her live before she blows.

www.myspace.com/vvbrown

The Gimmick Issue

So today I went to Border's and bought Italian Vogue's 'Black Issue'. After careful deliberation I have decided that the issue was a waste of a precious tree. A nice gimmick to boost sales, but certainly not worth £6.80.

I don't read Italian so can't comment on the articles but in terms of the pictures all the women featured were beautiful. Thank God, there were no catdog scary looking females, twisted modelling scouts 'discover' in the valleys of Africa. To be honest bar Naomi's shoot, nothing really popped out. Miss Campbell again proved why she is allowed to throw blackberry's and beat up BA staff. I don't care. She is a legend.

What I really don't get is people saying this issue is groundbreaking. On what basis? A magazine featuring all black models is not groundbreaking, pick up 'Ovation'. I jest. What would have made this issue significant and not a thinly guised marketing ploy, would be the editors of Vogue putting their creative control to good use and forcing the fashion houses to feature models of colour in their adverts!

Some girl in Border's bought two as she claimed it was a collectors item. Whatever. I fully intend to give back to the universe and put mine in the recycling pile.

Let me stop bitching. Girls that otherwise don't even get called to the casting were featured in Vogue. I just hope they got a decent fee.

Flakes

Flakes. Everyone has one in their life. You know that person who is unreliable, selfish, always has an excuse and for some reason is still your friend? Yes that's a Flake. I had about ten and had to cut them all off one by one. Snip, Snip, Snip.

One Flake in particular had me irate because they had the audacity to be a Flake with a sense of entitlement. Let me let you in on a little secret. I don't care who you are, the world owes you nothing. You could cure cancer, solve the oil crisis and make Jeremy Kyle disappear, all in one day. You would still be owed nothing.

Whilst ranting to my aunt about this Flake I had a light bulb moment. Everything about their track record showed they're a complete and utter waste of skin. The real problem was me enabling their stupidity.

My advice to you all. Cut all the Flakes in your life off. They will only cause you drama and life's far too short to spend it with people who don't appreciate you and unless there is divine intervention,will probably never get their act together. They'll marry someone equally flaky and have flaky kids.

Now some of you may be saying, what about speaking to them and helping them out with their flakiness? Another secret. Nothing you can say or do will change a Flake. Your working within different paradigms. They don't/can't/won't see what you see. Therefore anything you say won't make sense. I'm not saying Flakes are hopeless as in everyone lies the capacity for greatness. Flakes however, want someone else to make them great.

Each Flake has to have a moment where they realise that they are a failure.

If you are so unfortunate that the flake is a member of your immediate family. Migrate.

Four thousand and fifty moments.......and counting

My Macbook is probably the slowest in the universe. Today, whilst I attempted to load it up, an annoying colorful disk spun on my desktop. For those that don't know this is Mac's universal symbol for 'I'm not doing much', Windows has the rotating egg timer. I was informed by the computer ghosts that unless I rebuild my thumbnail cache my iphoto will die a slow and painful death. I have no idea what 'rebuilding a thumbnail cache' is so I just clicked 'rebuild now' and waited for my Mac to explode.

Anyway I look across the bottom of my screen and discover between December 29 2006 and July 22 2008 I have taken four thousand and fifty photographs. Let that marinate for a moment.

Now growing up I remember taking a photograph being associated with an event. We were actually recording something of significance. Birthdays, weddings, Christmas, school plays etc. Obviously digital camera's have changed all that and 2 GB memory cards mean we take photos of anything and everything. My iphoto library demonstrates this perfectly. Are each of the four thousand and fifty items clogging up my laptop precious memories? No. I have generally chronicled a load of crap.

Let me break it down.

The really meaningful moments that have occurred over this time period, some that have even altered the course of my life, have not been photographed. For example, I have made new friends, lost old ones, had genius moments and really stupid ones. Bar some exceptions (my fathers birthday, holiday to Sydney etc) anything of real substance is strangely absent. I'm now convinced that as most photos are staged in reality what your capturing is not a memory but a contrived version of one. Therefore we should all get rich and hire helps to follow us around with video cameras if we want the real deal.

Around 25% of the photos are pictures of clothes/accessories I intend to find in a vintage store/looks I will rock before the years out. Vain and in the broad scheme of things futile.

Too many of the photos are taken at parties that were apparently so entertaining myself and my girls couldn't stop taking photos of ourselves! Furthermore there's an eerie number of pictures of myself, taken by myself, at an awkward angle attempting to disguise the fact I took it myself....hilarious.

Finally any photos that are an accurate portrayal of events are deleted before they're uploaded.

However in saying that, if my Macbook committed suicide and I lost my photos I would be gutted. They still tell a story. An inaccurate slightly skewed version, but a story nonetheless. A good enough number act as a trigger to memories long buried.They make me smile, laugh and think. Three things the whole world should be doing alot more off. Therefore I will not stop taking photos.

So, to the girls in the club shooing the toilet attendant out of the way whilst you take a pic in front of fancy mirrors........Keep Snapping.

To insecure men showing they have 'money' by posing with an expensive bottle of champagne, though we know your fronting..............Keep Snapping.

The sober ones setting up their drunken friends for facebok embarrassment.......Keep Snapping.

Japanese Tourists............Keep Snapping.


To the whole western world and beyond.........Keep Snapping.



xxx

Why I quit the gym

So around the back end of last year I decided to 'get fit' and had the bright idea of joining my local gym. Let me correct that. I joined a 'Fitness First' there is nothing 'local' about them. They are a devilish franchise whose true wickedness manifested itself when I attempted leave. I digress. Anyway, joining the gym was a completely spontaneous decision and one I quickly came to regret.

Why I Quit


1) Lack of visual inspiration

People at the gym normally fall into one of two categories. Fat people trying to get skinny. Super-toned trying to stay super-toned. Neither are particularly inspiring images. I looked around me and nothing was appealing. TV/Movies suggest gorgeous men frequent gyms.They don't.

2) Rowing machines ruin your knees

I discovered this 3 months too late.

3) You actually have to work to loose weight

I thought 'gym' was the magic word. That if I said it enough and believed I would reach my ideal weight (which I've discovered doesn't exist). The truth is, gym is a word simply short for gymnasium. Nothing more, nothing less. If you want to loose weight/look toned/be healthy on a permanent basis you need to make massive changes in the way you live. I don't care that much! In short saying 'Oh I'm off to the gym' to as many people as you can doesn't do a darn thing. If it did, I would be Mary Kate Olsen.


4) The giant green ball myth


You see that giant green exercise ball they sell you on satellite TV really late at night? That apparently will give you abs of steel? Its a con. The biggest lie ever sold (along with the 2003 invasion of Iraq). First of all it's a glorified beach ball. Secondly it's agony to use. Finally you look like an absolute plonker whilst doing it.



5) The cheaper option - Starving

I know. It is not the politically correct thing to say and it borders on the unethical. I am aware of the size zero debate and the fact eating disorders only exist in nations where there is a surplus of food.


However if you want to save yourself £40 a month, stress on your precious body and want a 100% guaranteed outcome. The best way to loose weight is not the gym it's to starve yourself. Yes I said it. Just don't eat for a week. You may be very light headed, but you will be lighter.

Before you feminists start, I'm not advocating eating disorders. I think they are overrated and make otherwise attractive women look like gaunt adolescent boys in wigs. I'm simply saying with my option you'll probably loose a pound a day and end up with less body hang ups than if you joined Fitness First.

Starving - cheaper and always works


By the way I have a sneaky feeling the more people read this blog the increased likelihood I will find myself at the center of some sort of civil litigation. Therefore there is a disclaimer at the bottom of this rant.


Happy Monday People!

xxx


Though Christina Ama Mbakwe makes every attempt to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information contained in her rants, this information should not be relied upon as a substitute for formal psychological advice from your therapist/life coach/priest or all the above.

Christiana Ama Mbakwe will not be responsible for any loss, however arising, from the use of, or reliance on this information.

Crocs..... evidence most people are very stupid

When I first spotted people wearing crocs, I concluded that they were a free give away at the airport. I was soon appalled to discover that people actually paid for them.

Question. If God, in all his abundant love, has so blessed you with the ability to walk unaided. Why the heck would you wear such an unattractive accessory? Croc wearers, enlighten me, please. I believe crocs are further evidence that capitalism/materiliasm stunts mankind's ability to think for himself. All it takes is one person and the descent into fashion foolery begins.

Why am I writing this post? I read this morning the woman who invented this plastic pile of crap has so far made in excess of $20 million. This proves anything is possible. Just believe. Heck were about to have a black president.

Shalom out homies!

Jill Scott......Truly Golden

I have a mantra. 'Unless your a new/struggling artist I will NOT pay to see your gig'. I know, its bad. I should support the artist, but it really makes no sense. I know far too many people that means purchasing a ticket is unnecessary. Furthermore most gigs aren't worth paying for. And I love feeling smug when I go to a fantastic gig for free.....yeah I said it ! So really if its not guest list your unlikely to see me (how pretentious I must sound?!!) On the flip side this generally means that when I do go to a gig its lastminute.com. Yesterday was no different.

Last night I went to see Jill Scott at the Brixton Academy, as my friend happened to be on drums. I would really love to do a concise review. But the set was two hours long and I don't remember huge chunks of it........you see I drift easily. The show was a bit indulgent for my taste even from a musicians perspective. However I must say the level of musicianship was amazing, even if I am slightly biased! There was musical freedom on the stage in abundance, they tore up the rule book, nice to see. All in all she was absolutely amazing and the crowd were an eclectic bunch.

My only real issue was with my feet. They were killing me!! I always wear inappropriate shoes to concerts. It's a classic catch 22. If I wear flats I look like a lesbian and I can't see the stage. If I wear heels, I see about half of the set then throw them on the floor. Yesterday I chose the latter and the inevitable occured.

By the way it was really nice seeing budding filmmakers getting their 'youtube' on with their phones/cameras even though the security kept saying 'No Flash Photography'. Civil disobedience, love it!

Jill Scott is one of those artists who is really underrated. Hopefully one day she'll get the recognition and sales she deserves. I mean if Lil Wayne can go platinum in a week (and I'm not hating on his talent) Jill needs to be doing a bit more than Gold!!! Come on people buy her stuff!

I must say she's absolutely gorgeous in the flesh . Jill, keep doing your thing!

Short Men........SIGHS

Yes I know. They're such an easy target but after seeing the above I was inspired.

Reasons why I don't mess with short men

1) We can't take pictures

When in heels sheer idioacy like the above will inevitably occur. This means that every single time I get tagged with you in a picture on facebook I will have to de-tag it out of sheer shame. Unless were both sitting down. I'm a vain woman and I really like full lenghth pictures.....sorry. It could never work.

2) Short Mans Syndrome

Symptoms include overt-aggression, false swagger, insecurity, need to be constantly humorous, defensive, self-depreciating yet arrogant and clothes that don't fit.

3) Robin Syndrome

Have you noticed that every single short man that roams the face of the earth seeking whom he might annoy, does it accompanied by a man who is much much taller (and better looking )than him?

Everyone around them wonders what Batman sees in Robin. The truth is Batman is fully aware that Robin makes his 6"4 frame that bit more appealing . And Robin hopes that one day he'll grow into Batman. Personally I can't deal with sidekicks.

4) They jump on sofas

Well that was just Tom Cruise. But he is a sign that within each short man is a psycho just waiting to get out. Let's hope yours doesn't have his moment on national TV.

5) They can't defend themselves in a fight (from me)

When words fail me. I throw things. Anything. It can be sharp, blunt, big, small. It doesn't matter. Its all about proximity and utility. If your a short man the chances are in a fight I will tear your ass apart. I'm a strong woman, the man in my life needs to scare me (just a little bit). If your not taller than me, the day you decide to confront me about me spending our childrens school fees on two limited edition handbags and scream 'Let me tell you something woman' I will laugh in your face. HARD! Why? Short angry men resemble cartoon characters.

I need to be kept in check and if your short you really won't be able to do that.


I still don't get why Estelle wrote a SONG about a dude thats 5"7??? Have I missed something?!

LOL!

I HATE UNRULY KIDS.......

Ok,

I'm on fire confirmed. As I type I am surrounded by unruly children. Not in the cute, slighlty precocious, animated way. But minature sugar-high demons with the single purpose to drive me up the wall.

Now I don't blame the kids. I blame their parents. I hate feral children. They make me sick. But I despise their parents even more. How on earth can you come to someone elses house, run up and down the stairs and make a whole heap of noise??!??!?!?! When I was a child all my mother would have to do was LOOK at me and I would freeze on the spot. I simply lost the ability to move. This was what happened in my own house! When we visited someone I was glued to her side.

When the hostess would say 'Christiana/Ama what would you like to eat/drink?' I would first look at my mother. If she gave me the sideye I KNEW that I couldn't inhale sharply let alone eat. And woe betide me if in a moment of madness I took a sweet or went to the toilet without asking. I would later be dealt with......safely out of view of the general public of course.

Words really cannot express how much I dislike badly behaved children. My reasons are very simple. Logically they SHOULD NOT EXIST (unless the child has a diagnosed behavioural problem).

Between the ages of 0-7 the parent dictates the status quo. You set the rules of the game. You decide what the child eats, wears, how they speak. I don't care about theories about 'inate personhood' basically you create your child! Therefore parents have a DUTY to create an environment in which the children have a chance in hell of being good human beings. Why? Well its a wicked world and they didn't ask to be born!

I hate it when I meet parents who justify their toddlers blatant rudeness as a display of 'spunk'/ 'personality'. No love your raising a demon child. Forget personal expression, they have the whole of their adult life for that. Your child needs to toe the line!

I've always said that any person under the age of 16 that commits a serious crime should be flogged then thrown in jail along with their parents. We are all products of our upbringing. Let me give you a stat that I made up but believe is true. If you raise your kids right, 95% of the time all things being equal, they will turn out right.

If your child is 14 and stabbing someone. The chances are one of the parents cocked up. Big Time. Throwing you all in a cell will force you into following the first rule of good parenting.

COMMUNICATION!

Peace, love and civil obedience

xxx

You are Special.......!

Right

Now don’t start thinking this is some kind of self-help blog. I think self-help encourages individualism and self-glorification. However I have a few things to say.

We live in a world in which most people define themselves by the things they own. Forget about this war against Islam oops sorry terror what we really need to be fighting is the beast of Materialism.

We have kids walking around believing if they wear certain things, drive certain cars or even look a certain way that gives them value. They will eventually grow up into egotistical, insecure adults and feel they have either failed or succeeded. Most people will wallow in mediocrity. Either way everyone discovers that life generally is a bit crap. So people blame their spouses for their inability to find happiness, get divorced, meet someone else, leave them. A cycle ensues.

We are truly a messed up generation.

So in light of the impending credit crunch, before you jump off a building or in front of my train I have a few words.

You are special. Oh yes you are! I don’t particularly care if some jaded teacher told you in year 3 that you’d amount to nothing or your boyfriend said you were a fat cow or your mum said your useless. Your special.

Why? Well let’s put it this way. What the heck are the chances of you landing bump on planet earth for no particular reason? My estimates say none. So that means you have a purpose. You’re not a bleeding accident. You’re here for a reason. So find that reason. And when you discover it pursue it with everything within you.

A lot of my friends are graduating and going into jobs that will pay them a hefty sum. Some of them don’t care if that job will make them happy as long as it pays well. I’m the complete opposite and for that reason I’ve decided I must be slightly insane. This is what I believe. And I do hope you will follow my piece of advice even though I am of absolutely no moral/social authority.

Your job is linked to your life task. Let me give that to you again. Your JOB is linked to your LIFE TASK. Why you were put here! For me a job should be where PASSION intersects with PURPOSE. Spend your life pursuing both and believe me you will find some fulfilment.

And you know what? No one will have the power to affirm you. If they can’t affirm you they can’t make you feel bad about yourself either. Why? You KNOW your doing what you’re supposed to be. When such a mindset dictates your decisions anyone that disagrees can well and truly screw themselves. (By the way this is not a post encouraging rebellion or moral relativism both are highly overrated and sheer folly in my opinion)

So to the girl who has been told she’s too fat.

The boy on steroids convinced he’s too skinny.

The undergraduate worried because they have no job offers.

Or simply anyone whose been told they aren’t good enough.

This is just a message to let you know despite others say your special and were sent here for a reason.

Love

xxx

The Kanye Effect

See the above. That is T.I's album cover for his latest LP 'Paper Trail' due Sept 9. Apparently its a picture of the rapper if he was formed of scraps of paper. HA! It looks good though.

What an example of the Kanye Effect. What is the Kanye effect? The phenomenon of members of the general public trying to pull off the stuff he does.

Like all these rappers who used to wear wife beaters and saggy jeans suddenly wearing graphic tees, skinny jeans, high top sneakers and a PLO scarf (Yasser Arafat must be turning in his grave).

Middle class kids making beats......

Black kids across the diaspora embracing their inner nerd.

People wearing 'stronger' sunglasses, up and down the high street. You know you can't actually see when you wear those shades? I tried on a pair the other day and couldn't even bring myself to purchase them. As amazing as they look they're really impractical lol!

Metrosexuals multiplying by the minute.

Record companies actually caring about an Urban artists artwork for their album. Pigs not only fly......but they're flying first class.

For the record I LOVE KANYE! His music, style, swagger, attitude.....I could go on forever. He is a breath of fresh air. He makes me laugh, cringe and scream all at the same time!

You know when I say 'Be you. But if being you is that crap be someone else'. Well BE KANYE! LOOOOOOL!

Black Kate Moss

xxx



'Made a mill myself, and I'm still myself
And Ima look in the mirror if I need some help
Now I'll speak from the heart, you all fronting
Everybody feel a way about K but at least you all feel something'

Kanye West

Coco Chanel.......I LOVE YOU!

“Fashion fades, only style remains the same" The Great Coco Chanel


The Classic Chanel 2.55 is the embodiment of this statement. The noughties has been the decade of WAGS, celebrities with no talent and 'It bags'. The stam, the speedy, the paddington etc.

In the battle of the 'It bags' in my humble yet informed opinion the 2.55 wins hands down! The Birkin comes a close second.

Why do I love the 2.55? The quilting makes it feminine, the shape sexy and colour gives it edge. I love her lol!

When the world ends there will be cockroches, Cher and a Chanel 2.55.

Open Letter to Boris

Dear Boris,

Though I didn't vote for you (my vote went to Sian Berry) you were my second preference. I am sure that counts for something. Despite our difference I do hope you will consider and grant the following humble requests.

1) Air Conditioning on the Tube

Yes I am fully aware it is only hot maybe 30 days in the year but those days matter. Yes they do. And I'm not asking for air conditioning because my body gets hot. No Boris this is about my HAIR! I don't like it when my hair sweats out, its not a good look and it means I have to take a trip to my hairdresser sooner than I intended.

2) Ban everyone between the ages of 11-18 from using public transportation

Apparently we have a gun/knife crime epidemic on our hands.

Forget banning knives and guns. BAN THE KIDS. Yes those devils that roam around hopping on free transportation. Remove their means of travel. How the heck is the boy going to stab someone if he has to walk an hour to get there? Believe me you would see violent crime plummet, teenagers are lazy, the matters they're killing each over are trivial so they simply wont bother when they work out the opportunity cost.

And we can screw Jamie Oliver and finally get chips back in schools where they belong. The kids will be walking so much they can eat all the junk they like.

3) Ban selling mixtapes/charity on Oxford Street

I am really tired of people trying to shove demos down my throat. I really don't want to buy it and I don't care what their myspace is.

And to the people in funny couloured t-shirts ironically selling charity. You make me sick.

4) The 'Londonder Subsidy'

This city is expensive. Its ridiculous. France has the CAP. Londoners need a subsidy. Weighted according to your borough and your income.

5) Get rid of roundabouts

They serve no purpose.



Thank you

Oh Bobby, why oh why?

I love this song! You can't help but dance. And you notice how you start moving your shoulders first, up, down, side to side. I would do an online tutorial but I'm no dancer. The Britney version was a sound effort but I won't post video, no more than one fallen idol per post I'm not trying to depress myself.

Anyway this is living proof The Verve were right, the drugs don't work!!

iphone's are toast.......Crackberry's rule!

Apparently the launch of the iphone 3G didn't go as planned. That's a shame. I love everything that Steve Jobs and his crew come up with . My mac is my best friend and I spend crazy money on itunes music store. However the iphone takes it too far. I don't need my phone and ipod as one, just because you can put something in a mobile phone doesn't mean you should. My mum's phone has an application called 'stopwatch' yes you heard it a stopwatch. My mum doesn't even jog briskly, let alone run. Furthermore I doubt she will ever need to time anything and need detail to the millisecond. I digress.

Crackberry's are the truth. They may look like squashed remote controls but one day of push email and worthless banter with someone your not sure you really even like via blackberry messenger will change your life. For the better.

iPhone users of the world unite! Emancipate yourselves......join the crackberry squad.

P.S. God Bless Canada. RIM Blackberry, Celine Dion and Avril Lavigne. Three reasons why I will never ever support any form of military invasion by a hegemonic power if you ever strike oil.

Mr Jesse Jackson, crawl under a rock....until the end of November ...at least

Oh Mr Jesse Jackson? Being on the balcony with the great Martin Luther King Jnr has meant that TV stations insist on welcoming you on their shows to air your opinions because apparently you are the voice of Black America. The Voice of Black People Globally. Heck your the voice of the Universe.....Not.

Now I am in no way dismissing your merciless campaigning for black people. You are one of the most selfless 'leaders' and you don't do it because your a megalomaniac with aspirations above your station. You do it because you care. So thank-you.

Now your comments about Obama were stupid. Thats the only word I can come up with now .......I'll think of an intellectual one later. Here's my thing. Jealousy will make a person do strange things. Mr Jackson you are a cleaver guy and bar a few glitches here and there have remained the master in utilising the media to your advantage. So you knew the mic was on. Oh yes you did. You knew they would pick on your ignorant comments and run with it. So congratulations you have got the attention you desired. The spotlight is no longer on Mr Obama, the guy who actually clinched the nomination. You have extended your balcony fame for another decade......at least.


Personally I prefer Al.......

Selma......I saltute you

I could not name you one Selma Blair tv show/movie, because I don't know who on earth she is, I'm simply aware she's some sort of actress. However I do know she is a trend setter. Every single time I see a picture of this woman she is doing something fashion-wise I wish I thought of first.

This outfit is bold, unapologetic and lacks colour so much that it stands out. Genius. Well not genius.......genius would be inventing something we need the cure for like dumbass politicians......but you get my drift.

Anyway I love the short hair. She's not wearing it in the new 'Oh look at me I really am edgy' way that all starlets have suddenly adopted. But it seems quite natural. The V neck is low enough to be sexy but nowhere near trashy. The hair clip is a cute touch. Moreover she doesn't look like she spends most of the day with her hands down her throat and head hung over a toilet seat. Fantastic......She eats.

I'm probably wrong and the above is the manifestation of the efforts of an overpaid stylist and bitchy publicist. But just for today I'm going to be an optimist and believe that Selma Blair's style is hers........all hers.......!

So Selma .....I salute you!

xxx

What on earth is wrong with being in 2008??!?

What on earth is going on in Music, Fashion/Life?

All of a sudden no one wants to be in 2008 anymore. Like 2008 is a bad thing. Were all to cool to be current. Oh no lets force retro, vintage, classic..........

Talk to your average Londoner wannabe ask them to describe their style. 'Oh I'm really throwback you know, 80s urban mixed with the 50s, a few 40s items and this is a genuine scarf from the French revolution' Erm how pretentious do you sound??!??!?!?

(Yes I wear vintage clothes, but that’s because the High Street makes me heave. If you ask me to describe my style I scream its 'TODAY' because there is a big possibility I'll despise the item next year...I digress.)

Or

Look at the bleeding charts, is no one current??? Duffy, Amy, Leona (erm think Vintage Mariah) as great as they are. Why are they TRYING to make me feel nostalgia? Don't annoy me!!!!! BE YOU, BE BLOODY CURRENT!


Whatever happened to just wearing clothes and listening to normal music? You know like Jeans and A top? Or songs with real chords and simple progressions...Like is being normal that overrated? So we must all walk around like were going to a fancy dress party. Why is 'different' the new thing? I will scream the next time I switch on my TV and see some fat transsexual who went to public school singing in a mockney accent and playing the guitar whilst wearing a tutu, gladiator sandals and a fedora. GIVE ME STRENGTH!


So to the annoying middle class prats walking around dressed like orphans from a Charles Dickens book. STOP, or I will punch you...No I'll just look at you real hard and make you feel quite uncomfortable.

Now the crux of the issue is this. No one knows how to create anymore. Since schools, colleges, universities have becoming churning grounds for homogenised human robots, people who would have been 'creative', don’t know how. So they’re tying to be 'different'. Here's the thing if they smashed their paradigms for just a minute, they would embrace who they are and that is someone normal...yet somewhat interesting. And before some cleaver twit responds 'But what is normal’...sighs...I don't know never seen it...but like the wind I know it exists.

So my advice...

Well I don't have any advice for you. Be You. But if being you is that crap be someone else.

But please, too all you nimwits stop trying to be 'different'. It’s really tiresome and frankly is doing my head in.

EMBRACE 2008!