"Hoes" don't exist!

In an earlier rant (see ‘Friends we all have’) I asserted that each and everyone one of us has a friend who is considered a ‘hoe’. I don’t regret the rant but for reasons I will explore I wish to apologise publicly for my use of the term ‘hoe”.

I have decided to banish the term ‘hoe’ from my vocabulary and the sooner we all do the better. This is a life changing decision (I’m being dramatic, but speaking about life changing my American readers I do implore you to vote Obama) that hinges solely on the basis that the combination of two factors has rendered the term (in my books) null and void.

1)Problem with definition – What is a hoe?

I hate relative concepts. I work with absolutes. Dogs, cats, thieves, liars, I know what they are but ‘hoes’ I can’t think of a watertight definition of what a hoe is. So I attempted definition by the nihilistic method and I concluded (and I’m sure many of you will disagree)

A hoe is NOT…

‘A woman who deliberately and with cruel intent steals another woman’s husband/boyfriend’

Contrary to popular opinion such a specimen is not a hoe. Such women are unscrupulous witches who shouldn’t be allowed to procreate until they endure 90 hours of therapy, 40 hours of community service and 10 hours of hard labour. (I despise home wreckers).

‘A woman whose number sexual partners in a year exceed their numbers of fingers + toes’

At this risk of sounding cliché, if such women exist and sleeping with men is not her profession (I refuse to get entangled in a debate about the legalisation of prostitution) then I will conclude that is not a hoe but a woman who is searching. It may be for love, fulfilment, validation, the perfect orgasm I have not got a clue and this rant is not attempting to create Oprah moments and push ‘self-worth’ down anyone’s throat (see ‘Be Audacious’/’You are Special).

‘A woman that dresses unnecessarily provocatively’
That is not a hoe that is an attention seeker. Garments are just that garments and aren't necessarily indicative of lifestyle choices. Furthermore I love attention seekers, they make the world go round.

So I did a quick opinion poll of those I know on ‘what a hoe is’ but my circle of associates range from evangelical Christians convinced mundane events are further evidence of the ongoing battle between the Satan and God to care free escort girls. So as you may have already gathered I didn’t get a step closer to an unequivocal definition of what a ‘hoe’ is.


Then I had my 'eureka' moment. I realised for an individual to relegate another to being a citizen of ‘hoedom’ it’s a numbers game. An individual is viewed as hoe if they have exceeded the number of sexual partners you have had to the power of two. So if a person has had 3 sexual partners they will deem a person who has had 9 sexual partners or more a hoe. My theory and I’m sticking with it, is the ‘imaginary/arbitrary hoe line’ is set at the point that we believe we will never cross or in formulaic terms (Nsp^2). I tried to do a formula which took age into account but I hate maths and don’t care that much.

Anyway! I have been in numerous situations where I have witnessed a woman who is universally (and when I say universe I mean within her social milieu) viewed as a hoe, deliberately spark a discussion about another female (that most view as being equally 'hoeish') and labels this female as a hoe. (HUGH SIGH)

The conversation usually runs along these lines. ‘I can’t stand that girl she’s such a hoe’. The lady in question then proceeds to articulate with unnecessary detail tales about her comrade that she has heard through the grapevine. She then pre-empts the obvious challenge that she does the same herself so she ends her character assasination by stating ‘you see I’m different all the guys I sleep with are (insert arbitrary justification)’. This may range from ‘rich’ ‘employed’ ‘friends’ ‘someone I know quite well’.

Yes I am aware the female in question is projecting her own character flaw on another in the hope it perhaps negates her flaw or makes her acts seem less noticeable. We all project. However with such confusion and relatively surrounding a term I’m convinced I’m better off not using it at all.


2)Gender Stereotyping

Slut, whore, slapper harlot, nympho, slag, jezzy, gunge, skank.....

All various synonyms in the urban dictionary for a hoe. These terms have one thing in common. And it’s not the fact they all have the ability to spark a fight in a millisecond. No, it’s the fact that these terms are only used to describe women. For some reason society has evolved to the point we believe that being a ‘hoe’ is a lifestyle choice unique to the female gender. However practically speaking ‘hoeish behaviour’ is impossible to do alone so why on earth are derogatory terms for individuals we believe behave in a manner that is sexually abhorrent solely restricted to females?

Now I’m not a feminist but for this rant I may have to side with them and conclude that terms such as hoe, slut, jezzy etc are evidence of rampant patriarchy. Therefore the concept of a hoe is an axiom that as a woman I refuse to accept. If men were referenced to as hoes as much as women, perhaps I could re-consider slotting the term back in my lexicon but that’s not going to happen is it?

Even if I had to keep on calling people ‘hoes’ most of the people I would label hoes would be male (sorry guys!). Let’s take Hugh Hefner. This is a man that has built an entire empire (heck he even built a house) whose main selling point pivots on his sexual exploits. I have never read a single article in the mainstream media referring to him as a hoe. Quite the opposite! Hugh Hefner is not only admired but celebrated for the commoditisation of deeds that a female would be hung, drawn and quartered for*.



For those of you that will jump on my back and claim that hoes are ‘nasty’ and clearly exist I’m just merely pointing out the term ‘hoe’ is not only ridiculously subjective but steeped in gender prejudice. Even if this was not the case and Webster came up with a term that all you lovers of democracy approved of that encompassed males, females and transgendered folk it wouldn’t be enough. Unfortunately it seems my childhood dreams of becoming a black Cruella D’vil (she’s just so fierce) are fading rapidly because I am thawing. I cry watching ‘Scrubs’ and complain about people selling me charity on the street because I can’t help but give them money. Truth is I think the term is really hurtful and one we should not direct at anyone regardless of our opinions of their lifestyle.

Although I’m an authoritarian to the core (anyone that advocates castration for convicted paedophiles and fines for the parents of young offenders clearly is) but as much as I despise Mill there are certain aspects of his harm theory that I agree with. The beauty (and part of the curse) of this world is choice. If someone makes a choice that doesn’t actually effect us we have absolutely no right to label them, treat them badly, or make them feel less than equal on the basis of this choice. That would be wrong. For some reason some human’s relish occupying the high ground morally but the reality is no one is perfect and we have all done things that we would rather not have in the public domain. So for all of you ghastly people currently terrorising some female, saying the cruelest things about her and in particular calling her a ‘hoe’, please leave her alone.

I’m not necessarily advocating ‘hoe acceptance’, the church in me won’t allow me to go that far and I’m no liberal. However I’m advocating ‘hoe tolerance’.........I think. I may have to get back to you guys on this one.

Despite issues with where I actually fall ideologically on the ‘hoe issue’ I am no fool. Even though I will now refrain from calling people hoes there are certain women that as long as I can control it, will not even be allowed to share the same airspace as my boyfriend.

Peace, Love and Boris Kodjoe


xxx


* Memo to E! Could you kindly cancel that utterly senseless show that glamorises stupid women living in a tacky edifice and commission more episodes of Kimora’s ‘Life in the Fab Lane’. Thank you please.