Guarantees

Growing up my parents always said ‘work hard because there are no guarantees in life’. As much as I believe that hard work is a must, I will have to disagree with the second clause. Truth is what my parents really meant to say (but were too kind to tell me) was ‘ work hard because there are no guarantees life……except for many things to go absolutely tits up’.


Things that are almost guaranteed to happen

Your friend puts you on ‘guest list’ but there’s a mix up at the door…..you end up paying to get into the club. The party is awful.

You’re torn as to whether to give up your seat to the woman standing in front of you on the train, because you can’t figure out whether she’s pregnant or overweight.

The girl that always used to be skinny will get very fat…….very quickly.

A friend you trusted morphs into Judas.

Your aunty and uncle/close family friends who are clearly miserable will insist on keeping up appearances and refuse to get a divorce.

You give way to car turning into your road and the ingrate doesn’t even flash his lights to say thank-you. You’re so enraged you spend the next 5 minutes trying to get back in front of them.

They have always run out of your size in the sale. But there is an entire rack of the same item a size too big.

The ‘good girl’ hooks up with a ‘bad guy’ (yawns, isn’t this manoeuvre so predictable and tired?)

They end up getting married even though EVERYONE knows he cheats.

The song you hate ends up at number 1.

Your favourite singer gets hooked on crack, cough syrup or some illicit substance.

You’re at the train platform at the right time every single day but your train is always delayed. The day you’re delayed, the train’s on time.

You will run into someone from secondary school on the day you decided to make absolutely no effort with your appearance.

You join the gym but never go and then can’t be bothered to make the journey down to the gym to cancel your membership.

You will go back to that restaurant in spite of the fact that their service is atrocious, the staff incompetent and the food isn’t fit for cats.

You give a guy your number/take a girl’s number then immediately wonder ‘what was I thinking?’

You meet a celebrity and they turn out to be a foot shorter than you envisioned, half as good-looking yet have a massive ego.

The person you genuinely like is indifferent towards you, whilst the person you couldn’t care less about is stalking you and would give you a kidney……

Your parents push their hand luggage entitlement to the limit and will be offended when informed that they cannot take four extra cases on board (sorry to be indulgent but this is only a guarantee if you’re of African descent)


Peace, Love and Ban Autotune


xxx