The Things We Do

There are things in life that we’d rather not do, but do anyway because apparently it’s the ‘thing to be done’.

1) Recycle

We all know an annoying ‘environmentalist’/twit that drives a hybrid, only buys fair trade and insists on preaching about how the worlds about to explode. Their constant nagging means we take up recycling, even though most of us won’t be here when things fall apart.

We really don’t care about the earth that much. But it’s a chore we do. Just in case.

2)Allow pregnant women to have our seats on the train/tube.

When I see a pregnant woman unable to find a seat I feel compelled to give mine up. There are some days when I’m tired and frankly I don’t want to. Yes I know it’s selfish, but I still matter!

Boris if your reading, could you please dedicate the first two carriages to women with child and civilians with kids. This is more than necessary in the summer when the whole world seems to be pregnant and they release the demon children from their holding cells. I can finally get through my London Lite in peace and not have to play musical chairs.


3) Eat healthy

Every few months I’ll read a newspaper article about something else that 'causes' cancer or watch a documentary about a half-ton dad, that scares me. I become righteous and decide I’m going to eat "healthy". It starts off well but a few months in I fall off the wagon…at McDonalds. Each bite is such a profound deeply spiritual experience, I forget being healthy. Until the next TV show.

4)Pretend we can distinguish between The Killers, The Kooks, The Fratelli’s, The Enemy and The (insert stupid adjective/noun).

Indie Music aka Coma Music is currently taking the world hostage and to avoid looking like a complete Philistine we have to pretend that we like it. Furthermore we have to pretend it doesn’t all sound the same, when the truth is it does.


5)Pay Taxes

In theory we know why we should. But when you look at your payslip and take a look at society, it makes no sense at all.

6)Become a ‘fan’ of an underrated artist,

Everyone is a fan of an artist who is underrated and yet to truly blow up. However a few albums deep you just want to give up. Artists include Mos Def, Howie Day, The Magic Numbers and Regina Spektor.


7) Tell people we think their newborn babies are beautiful

Children are a gift from above but for the first 3 months most babies aren’t that attractive. If you’re very fortunate, your child’s face is pleasant at best. There are very few beautiful babies. I flout this universal law by simply smiling and saying ‘Congratulations.....you must be so happy’.


8)Secret Santa

I hate Secret Santa because I don’t like to be surprised and the fact that I have to buy someone else a gift means I’m technically paying to be surprised

We don’t like the people we work with that much, heck most of us don’t like our extended family that much. Next time the workplace busybody comes by with a polystyrene bag insisting that you pick a name, smile and say ‘Oh haven’t you heard…I’m a Jehovah’s Witness now’.

9)Speak to Taxi drivers

They complain - alot. However they’re ferrying you to your destination and have therefore earned the right to tell you their conspiracy theories on why the twin towers fell or why the price of petrol is rising.

To overcome this I simply nod the whole time and say the following words/phrases very dramatically when they pause for air. ‘No………Really………. Your joking…….Well I never’. Say that out loud on loop, getting increasingly louder at each phrase and quiet/subdued at ‘Well I never’. They think you’ve actually listened and your not forced to engage. Everyone’s happy.


10) Read lists like the above